Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 8

04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Rob Riggle…..Leviticus
Brad Scheinwald…..Seth Meyers
Abe Scheinwald…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: and I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, an investigation began probing into ethnical breeches committed by former Homeland Security Secretary nominee Bernard Kerik. In addition to employee an illegal nanny, there are reports of extra marital liaisons, ties to the mob, and unpaid condo fees. Wow! All that and bald with a mustache! Sign me up!

It was reported that while at the White House Christmas party, first daughter Barbara Bush smashed her head on the dance floor when a friend she was dancing with dipped her too low. That friend, Captain Morgan. (Captain Morgan is added to the picture of Barbara Bush as well as a red mustache and beard to Barbara’s face)

Tina Fey: Beginning in January, Senator Zell Miller will be a contributor to programs on Fox News Channel by day (in a creepy voice) and an assassin for hire by night! Thank you, sir.

At his annual physical Sunday, President Bush found out he’s gained six pounds since last year and he’s pledged to lose the weight as soon as possible. So finding Osama Bin Laden will get pushed even further down on the Presidents to-do list. (A ‘To-Do List’ is shown that says ‘1. Lose 6 Pounds; 2. Fight Iran; 3. Find Bin-Laden’)

Amy Poehler: Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets and turning their backs on his motorcade. But you know that’s not gonna work cuz he’s just gonna get out to see what they’re all looking at.

Tina Fey: A new book The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln claims that Lincoln was gay. The most compelling evidence, a recently discovered, early draft of the Gettysburg Address that starts (Tina snaps her fingers once after she says each word) “Listen up, bitches.” So excited about the snapping!

Amy Poehler: The issue of religion in the work place has become an increasingly contentious one. Here to discuss it is Weekend Update’s favorite street prophet, Leviticus.

Leviticus: Thank you very much, Tina. Thank you, Amy. I’d like you all now to join me in a quick prayer.

(Tina and Amy oblige as he stands up and begins to literally scream his prayer)

LORD!! Hear me now! Help me to crush the wicked into a fine powder! Allow my hands to become some sort of, I don’t know, stabbing weapon, or slicing weapon so that I may destroy these legions of evil! At least give me the power of flight Jesus, or the ability to become invisible so that I may sneak up on the demons and snap their reptilian necks! LORD!! Help me to help you! WOOOOOH! Ah man! That felt good! Yes!

Tina Fey: Thank you Leviticus, but you know, that right there might be why people are a little uncomfortable with religion in the work place.

Leviticus: Point taken, Ms. Fey. Allow me to try again.

(He stands up and puts one of his feet on the desk with his elbow on that knee and a Bible in that hand. He starts screaming again)

LORD!! Hear me know! Help me to deliver your message to ALL the people of the world whether they be man, woman, child, black, white, green, yellow, striped or polka-dotted. And that message is this… You’re all gonna die! Think about that! (He takes his foot off the desk and just stands) I’m talking the lake of fire! (Opens the Bible) According to the Book of Jobs, chapter 12, verse 200 and he spake, “And the wicked shall backstroke in the fiery depths of hell!” WOOOOOH! *He makes a weird noise with his tongue and pretends to shoot of a bazooka gun and then pretends to blow the smoke from his Bible* Ya’ll just been blown away by the word! And it don’t cost NOTHING!

Tina Fey: Amy, where did you find this guy?

Amy Poehler: He delivered my futon and I thought he was interesting.

Tina Fey: All right, thanks Leviticus, thanks for stopping by.

Leviticus: (He walks between where Tina and Amy are sitting) No, no, no, no! Thank you! I want to say one more thing before I leave… (He puts his hands on their head)* LORD!! Hear me know! Please help these two FILTHY streetwalkers with their lustful addictions for sex and their insatiable thirst for alcohol, which we all know comes from the flaming teeth of Satan!

Amy Poehler: All right! Get out of here, Leviticus!

Leviticus: Persecutors!! Persecutors!! (He makes the weird noise with his tongue again)

Tina Fey: Leviticus, everyone!

Leviticus: You’re all gonna die!!

Tina Fey: It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie “Revolver.” Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

Amy Poehler: Mike Tyson, this week, completed 100 hours of community service coaching kids a Brooklyn gym. “I’m so glad the 100 hours is up and now I can relax and get on with my life,” said one of the kids.

This week in Germany, an 81-year-old man was robbed when two young women asked him to join them in a nude photo shoot, and then fled with the man’s wallet as he stripped. Afterwards, the women felt badly and almost returned the wallet, but then Tina was like, “Screw it, let’s go buy shoes.”

Tina Fey: Barbra Streisand had surgery this week to remove a benign polyp discovered during a routine colonoscopy. Doctors described the polyp as “opinionated.”

Amy Poehler: Fox is launching a new reality series called ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’…Yeah… in which an adopted woman must figure out which of eight men is her biological father. Then she must marry him.

Tina Fey: 2004 was the year of the independent movie, with a new batch of well crafted, inde. hits coming to the fore. Here to talk about this trend is film producer Brad Scheinwald.

Brad Scheinwald: Thank you! Thank you all so much! Thank you Tina! 2004 was an exciting year for American cinema. The inde. film trend was so… (He is interrupted his grandfather who enters with a huge bucket of coleslaw that he is eating)

Abe Scheinwald: AHH! Hold it right there! Why are you lettin’ this kid tell you about pictures?

Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, I thought I told to wait in the dressing room.

Abe Scheinwald: I got kicked out for eating all of Destiny Child’s deli platter.

Tina Fey: Who’s this?

Brad Scheinwald: This is my grandfather and founder of Scheinwald Studios, Abe Scheinwald.

Abe Scheinwald: I’ve made over 51 pictures including, “Cheerleader Zombie’s of Stararidy Road”, “Japanese Bikini Squad: Kill Kill”, “The Chimp and the Pimp 1, 2, 3, and 5”, and “N.I.T.”

Tina Fey: “N.I.T.”?

Abe Scheinwald: Nipple Institute of Technology.

Brad Scheinwald: The thing is Pops, I’m trying to move Scheinwald Pictures in a more intelligent direction, the direction more films took this year.

Abe Scheinwald: Ah! Name one!

Brad Scheinwald: All right, fine, an incredible film, “Sideways.” A story of two friends driving wine country and…

Abe Scheinwald: Ahh! If you wanna sit through a road movie about two guys drinkin booze, rent the Abe Scheinwald classic mighty pick “Scooch ‘n Mondo Take Daytona Beach.”

Brad Scheinwald: Okay, how about the film “Kinsey”?

Abe Scheinwald: Ahh! I went to see this picture because I heard it was about a sex doctor who did experiments on people. What a let down!! If you want an erotic thriller, try the Scheinwald hit “The Curious Dr. Hump.”

Brad Scheinwald: “Napoleon Dynamite.”

Abe Scheinwald: A guy with big hair in an explosion.

Brad Scheinwald: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”!!

Abe Scheinwald: Eternal-what of the Hotty-where.

Tina Fey: So there was nothing worth seeing this year?

Brad Scheinwald: Please Tina, don’t let me Grandfather change the way you think about movies!

Abe Scheinwald: Don’t listen to this one! This one wanted to make a movie about the misadventures of a blind guy! I thought I liked it better the first time when it was called “Mr. Magoo”!

Brad Scheinwald: It was “Ray”, the Ray Charles story. We passed on “Ray.”

(Abe Scheinwald sets his coleslaw down and makes ‘thumbs downs’ while making spitting noises)

Tina Fey: Aw… Brad and Abe Scheinwald everybody.

Amy Poehler: Many people at the Noble Peace Prize Concert were upset when Tom Cruise plugged his controversial religion of Scientology saying, “I’m just proud to be here and very proud to be a Scientologist.” Observers say Cruise might have done more for his religion if he hadn’t started the speech with the phrase (in an alien voice) “People of earth…”

Tina Fey: Sodom, the world’s first known piece of printed pornography, described as the Quintessence of Debauchery, has been sold at auction for 89,000 dollars to one very fancy masturbator. (Shows a picture of a fat naked man with a top hat on)

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was voted the video game of the year at the Spike TV Video Game Awards. Once again, the worst video game of the year went to John Madden’s Irregularly Shaped Mole Hunt. It’s the worst!

Amy Poehler: A state trooper in Oklahoma, who had pulled over a delivery truck, found 600 pounds of marijuana, hidden in four coffins. Or so starts the math section of Snoop Dogg’s new SAT prep book.

For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 8

04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Kermit the Frog (Muppeteer: Steve Whitmire)
…..Fozzie Bear (Muppeteer: Eric Jacobson)
…..The Great Gonzo (Muppeteer: Dave Goelz)
…..Animal (Muppeteer: David Rudman)

Don Pardo: And now a very special Christmas treat from all of us at “Saturday Night Live”.

[show Horatio Sanz all dressed in red. Horatio is playing a lute, standing by a short brick wall, as jingle bells and drum beat plays in the background. ]

Horatio Sanz: One… Two… One- Two- Three…

[Horatio signals to stop the music. The music stops.]

Horatio Sanz: Jimmy? Tracy? Kattan? Guys?

[ Kermit enters, wearing a Christmas sweater and Ssanta hat]

Kermit: Horatio, is something wrong? Can I help?

Horatio Sanz: Oh, hi Kermit.

Kermit: Hi there.

Horatio Sanz: Oh, I’m just a little blue, cause there’s no one here to sing my Christmas song with me.

Kermit: Oh my guys can do it! Right guys?

[Fozzie, Animal, and Gonzo enter dressed in red Christmas sweaters. Animal is caring a keyboard with a built-in drum machine. ]

Fozzie and Gonzo: Yeah. Sure. Sure.

Horatio Sanz: You guys…you guys know my Christmas song?

Kermit: Yeah.

Gonzo: Yeah, of course we know your song. You’ve sung it like three times a year for the past four years.

Fozzie: Yeah, I mean even Hans and Franz changed a few lines once and a while.

Animal: Hans and Franz! Hans and Franz! Hans and Frans! Ahh-ha-ha-ha…

Horatio Sanz: Wow, you guys are really going to sing my song with me?

Kermit: Oh sure we would. You ready, guys?

Fozzie and Gonzo: Oh Yeah. Yeah.

Kermit: All right, hit it!

[drums, and bells begin again]

Horatio Sanz: One…

Fozzie: Two…

Horatio Sanz: One-

Fozzie: Two-

Horatio Sanz: Three-

Fozzie: Four!

[ they start playing. Snow starts to fall.]

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says, Christmas time is nee-ear!“

Fozzie: “I don’t care what your papa says, Christmas will soon be here!”“

Horatio Sanz: “All I know is that Santa’s Claus don’t care about breaking no flying laws.“

Fozzie: “He brings toys to boys and girls.“

Horatio Sanz: “In every nook and cranny in this crazy old world.“

Fozzie: Yeah!

Horatio, Kermit, Fozzie, and Gonzo:
“I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”

Kermit: Get down!

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what anybody says cause Christmas time is dee-ear!“

Gonzo: “I don’t care what anyone says-Christmas is full of chee-eer!“

Fozzie and Horatio: “I don’t care about the five o’clock news. I don’t care if our lights blow out a fuse. I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay, in the good old U. S. of A!“

Horatio, Kermit, Fozzie, and Gonzo: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!“

Gonzo: Whoo!

Kermit: Ahh, play it!

Animal: Christmas! Christmas!

Kermit: Yeah!

[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]

Submitted by: GelflingWaldo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 8

04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child

Goodnights

…..Robert De Niro

Robert De Niro: Thanks to Destiny’s Child, The Muppets.. [ looks off to the side ] Lorne.. the cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live.” Everybody, Merry Christmas!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 8

04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child

Undercover Gangster

Ruben Sanders…..Horatio Sanz
Mr. Tanucci…..Robert De Niro
Agent 1…..Seth Myers
Agent 2…..Kenan Thompson
Gino…..Rob Riggle
Wiseguy…..Will Forte
Old Wiseguy…..Fred Armisen

(open on outside of apartment building. Cut to inside of apartment with 3 agents surrounded by surveillance equipment getting a hidden wire on agent Sanders.)

Ruben Sanders: Hello, hello, hello.

Agent 2: Yeah, we can hear him.

Agent 1: Okay, all you got to do is get him to talk about the D’Ambrusio hit. Then this guy is going down. Gotta watch yourself. This is a dangerous man.

Ruben Sanders: For the last year I’ve been studying these guys. I know the way to move, I know the way to walk, I know the way they talk. I’m gonna… I’m gonna get him.

Agent 1: All right, Sanders, get your coat on and let’s do this.

Agent 2: Think he can do it?

Agent 1: Yeah, he’s the best in the biz.

(Cut to the inside of a club filled with wiseguys playing cards, and an old wiseguy making coffee)

Mr. Tanucci: So this guy is a real computer whiz. He’s one of the first to get with this Internet gambling stuff.

Old Wiseguy: Yeah, there’s a lot of money in that.

Gino: Who is this guy? I never heard of him before.

Mr. Tanucci: Don’t worry, he comes recommended. We’re gonna get in a whole ground floor wave with Internet casinos. (Knock on the door) Gino.

Ruben Sanders: (With a very exaggerated Italian accent) Hey! How you guys doin’? Let me just put down this meatball sub here with extra mozzarella. (Throws paper bag with sandwich at wiseguy)

Mr. Tanucci: All right. Have a seat.

Ruben Sanders: OWW! Fuggitaboutit.

Gino: Forget about what?

Ruben Sanders: Sorry I’m late, I was at my goombah’s place. We were just finishing dinner. We had some raviolis, some rigatonis and some rice-aroni. Fuggitaboutit!

Wiseguy: Why you keep saying Forget about it?

Mr. Tanucci: Never mind that. I heard you were a man of business which is why I agreed to meet with you. But I like to know who I’m getting into business with. Where you from?

Ruben Sanders: Hey! It’s me, Tony Lasagna, from the neighborhood.

Mr. Tanucci: What neighborhood?

Ruben Sanders: You know, Little Italy.

Mr. Tanucci: I grew up in Little Italy, I didn’t see you around too much.

Ruben Sanders: C’mon, we used to play stickball together behind the Olive Garden, with, you know, Paulie Walnuts, Rocky Balboa, the Mario Brothers, they were all there. (getting nervous) Donkey Kong, Vinnie Testaverde, Madonna!

Mr. Tanucci: All right already, Let’s get back to this internet casino business.

Old Wiseguy: Yeah, there’s a lot of money in that.

Ruben Sanders: Exactly, let’s talk business. Fuggitaboutit!

Mr. Tanucci: Forget about what?

Ruben Sanders: I’m bustin’ beans over here. (Sings) “Volare, oh oh oh oh, Cantare, yo yo yo yo!” (Agents in the other room listen and grimace)

Mr. Tanucci: Quit fooling around, and tell me more about this internet casino business.

Old Wiseguy: Yeah there’s a lot of money in that.

Ruben Sanders: That there is. But first I wanna tell you a little story. (Godfather music plays) When I was young, I had to hide out in Sicily. I married a beatiful farmgirl named Apollonia. I taught her to speak English Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. She takes her top off and she had perfectly round Yabbos. And they blew her up in a car. So I came to America and married a girl named Diane Keaton. (Music stops and agents in the other room shake their heads in disbelief)

Mr. Tanucci: I don’t know about you.

Ruben Sanders: Fuggitaboutit! I’m bustin’ beans!

Mr. Tanucci: Stop saying “bustin’ beans!”

Ruben Sanders: Fuggitaboutit!

Mr. Tanucci: Stop saying that, too!

Wiseguy: You know something’s not right here.

Mr. Tanucci: Don’t get too nervous. If you don’t relax, we’re gonna have to put you in a pair of Depends. (Everyone at the club laughs) I’m funny.

Ruben Sanders: He’s a funny guy.

Mr. Tanucci: What? I’m funny? How am I funny?

Ruben Sanders: Funny, you know.

Mr. Tanucci: I don’t know, you said it. Funny, how? Like, I’m clowning over here? To amuse you, or what? Tell me what the hell is so funny about me? (Dead serious and there’s a tense silence) I’m just bustin’ beans! Fuggitaboutit! (Everyone laughs)

Gino: I still think this guy is working for the feds.

Ruben Sanders: Oh yeah, I’m working for the FBI. My real name is agent Ruben Sanders.

Mr. Tanucci: Ruben Sanders, that’s hilarious!

Ruben Sanders: You know what? I’m trying to record you through this wire. (Opens his shirt revealing a microphone wire) I’m trying to get you, Mr. Tanucci, to admit you killed Carlo D’ambrusio.

Mr. Tanucci: (Playing along) Yeah! And I suppose I’m just gonna pick up this microphone from your shirt right here, and tell the FBI how I killed Carlo two months ago and had him buried under the Seacaucus ramp on the New Jersey turnpike, and I suppo– (Knock on the door) I suppose that the FBI is here to take me away. (Agents storm right into the club) Oh! it is them!

Agent 1: Mr. Tanucci, you’re under arrest for the murder of Carlo D’ambrusio.

Mr. Tanucci: I can’t believe you tricked me, you rat piece of garbage! I trusted you like a son, I let you in and you betrayed me! I bet you ain’t even married to Diane Keaton.

Ruben Sanders: Take him out of here.

Agent 1: I don’t agree with your methods, but you got the job done.

Ruben Sanders: Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. We have to move on to our next mission. (Cracks up) Infiltrating the Chinese mafia. (Seth, under his breath, says, “You blew it.”) Henceforth, you will know me as.. (in thick chinese accent) ..Hong Kong-a Fooey. (bows down, and we hear the sound of a gong over cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 18th, 2004

Robert De Niro

Destiny’s Child

None

Kermit the Frog

Lil’ Wayne

Fozzy Bear

Animal

Gonzo
Pentagon Press BriefingSummary: In a near-repeat of an opening sketch two years ago, Craig Fenson (Robert De Niro) returns to read the names of more naughtily-named terrorists.

Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld, Craig Fenson.

Montage

Robert De Niro’s MonologueSummary: Robert De Niro sings “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” with Kermit the Frog.

First Hosted: 02g.

WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Transcript

PrankstersSummary: In another gross misunderstanding of the concept of the show, grown-up Chuck Gordon (Robert De Niro) pranks his neighbor (Chris Parnell) with a chainsaw. As usual, host Zack Ricky (Seth Meyers) is horrified.

Recurring Characters: Zack Ricky.

Wedding ReceptionSummary: At one of his four daughter’s wedding, Dad (Robert De Niro) wonders when his foppish son (Seth Meyers) will marry, failing to suspect the boy may be gay.

Prince Christmas SpecialSummary: Robert De Niro is one of many out-of-place guests on Prince’s (Fred Armisen) Christmas special.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Star Jones, Al Reynolds.

Note: Though a member of the evening’s musical guest, Beyonce does not appear in this sketch.

TV FunhouseSummary: In yet another commentary on the 2000 and 2004 elections, Santa Claus refuses to bring toys to children who live in America’s electoral “red” states.

“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: While dressed as Santa Claus, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a new promo for “The Apprentice.”

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s episode hosted by Colin Farrell.

Destiny’s Child with Lil’ Wayne perform “Soldier”First Performed: 00r.

Bio: Lil’ Wayne (1983-). Rapper; former member of the rap supergroup Hot Boys.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) wants to save Tina and Amy’s souls, but is very annoying about it. Brad (Seth Meyers) & Abe Scheinwald (Rachel Dratch) leave their studio offices to argue at the Update desk.

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.

Transcript

Undercover GangsterSummary: Undercover agent Ruben Sanders (Horatio Sanz) butchers the Italian stereotype to nab a playful gangster (Robert De Niro).

Transcript

Destiny’s Child performs “Cater 2 U”

Christmas with the Cat LadySummary: Elderly cat lady Margie (Robert De Niro) reads a story to the many cats that fill her apartment.

Bear CitySummary: Christian bears accidentally sing Christmas carols for a Jewish bear household.

Note: This short film was cut from last week’s episode hosted by Colin Farrell.

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”Summary: Even though Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan have all left the cast, Horatio Sanz keeps the tradition of the overplayed nonsense song alive with help from Muppets Kermit, Fozzie, Animal and Gonzo.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Today ShowSummary: Katie Couric (Amy Poehler) and Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) from the studio, while Al Roker (Kenan Thompson) works the crowd outside.

Recurring Characters: Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, Al Roker.

KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) wants to play with the karaoke machine at her Uncle’s (Robert De Niro) music store.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Donatella VersaceSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) resolves to do things differently in 2005.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

Christmas ShoppingSummary: A man (Robert De Niro) has difficulty shopping for his wife.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

A Message from a Pedicab DriverSummary: A Pedicab driver (Robert De Niro) talks about his job and Times Square during the goold old days.

Bear CitySummary: A bear has difficulty putting up Christmas lights on his house.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

]]>

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
…..Brett Hull
…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Colin Farrell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories:

Donald Rumsfeld visited troops in Kuwait this week, and when specialist Thomas Wilson asked why they had to dig through landfills to find scrap metal to uparmor their vehicles, Rumsfeld had this to say:

Donald Rumsfeld: If you think about it, you can have all the armor in the world on a tank, uh, and a tank can be blown up.

Tina Fey: Now Merry Christmas, suckers! Oy.

According to his own Grand Jury testimony, New York Yankees player Jason Giambi injected himself with Human Growth Hormone in 2003, and also used steroids for at least three seasons. Although apparently, not the kind that make you good at baseball.

I don’t know, I don’t watch baseball.

Amy Poehler: Former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who was President Bush’s nominee to be the next Homeland Security chief, abruptly withdrew his name from the nomination on Friday. So President Bush stubbornly insists on going back to his original choice: Superman.

This past Tuesday marked the first night of misspelling “Chanukah.” [graphic of a menorah with a caption that reads “Chanugah”]

Tina Fey: In preparation for his child molestation trial, investigators took a DNA sample by swabbing Michael Jackson’s mouth on Saturday. Then, out of habit, Jackson gave the investigators twelve million dollars in hush money.

Amy Poehler: The NHL hockey lockout continues, and may end up causing the entire season to be cancelled. Here to talk about it, from the Phoenix Coyotes, Brett Hull.

[pan to Brett; applause]

Brett Hull: Hi! Thanks for having me.

Amy Poehler: Thank you! Thanks for being here, Brett. You are arguably the best player in the NHL today.

Brett Hull: Oh, I don’t know about that. As they say, there’s no, uh, “I” in team. But as I say, uh, there’s no team without I. I’m just kidding! Hi guys.

Amy Poehler: Well it must be, uh, breaking your heart to miss a whole season.

Brett Hull: No doubt, Amy. I really miss playing, and scoring goals in air hockey just isn’t the same.

Amy Poehler: Th- Tell me about it, yeah, I know. So, do you think the NHL—[some laughter] do you think the NHL will be able to regain popularity after a year off?

Brett Hull: I think so. I mean, with the basketball riots, the steroids in baseball, I think hockey’s looking classier all the time.

Amy Poehler: Very true. Brett, you’re Canadian. What do you think of this new gay marriage law passing in Canada?

Brett Hull: Well, that’s what happens in Canada when there’s no hockey. [applause] Guys, guys have more time to hang out, talk about their feelings. Next thing you know, they’re in love with each other. I’ve got nothing against it, but I’d rather be playing hockey.

Amy Poehler: You heard it here first, folks. Brett Hull would rather play hockey than marry a dude. Brett Hull, everybody! [applause]

Tina Fey: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have pledged to help stop abuses at overseas sweatshops producing their clothing line, although the twins say they know from personal experience that three-year-olds have more than enough energy to work an 18-hour day. [photo of the Olsens as toddlers] Aw, look how cute they were!

Amy Poehler: A little tired!

[picture of Hamid Karzai wearing his famous hat] This week, in a historic ceremony, interim prime minister Hamid Karzai was sworn in as Afghanistan’s first democratically-elected hat model. [laughs at her joke] Nice hat!

The Anti-Defamation League is upset with Bill O’Reilly for suggesting to a Jewish caller on his syndicated radio show that if he is offended by Christian attempts to convert him, he should go to Israel. Then he asked the caller what he was wearing.

Tina Fey: Oh, thank you for reminding me. Hey Bill, remember that time you used to call that lady that worked for you and, uh, tell her you wanted to rub soap on her boobs? And uh, and then you told her you had a big penis, but if you really had a big penis you wouldn’t have to tell people, they would just see that. Aw man, remember when you did that? I do.

[cut to graphic; applause]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Don’t forget Bill O’Reilly is disgusting.”

Tina Fey: Andy Slater, Rick Floyd, and Bobby Wooderson are suing filmmaker Richard Linklater for defamation, for using their names for three stoner characters in his 1993 movie “Dazed and Confused.” The three may not have much of a case, though, since they apparently watched the movie for eleven years without recognizing their own names.

Amy Poehler: This week, Jay-Z was named president of the Def Jam record label. Sorry, John Kerry.

Tina Fey: The Christmas season is a time for giving and giving back to your community, and that’s why Amy and I have joined the Teen Mentoring Program of America. Please welcome the young girl we have been assigned to mentor, Lindsay Lohan.

[Lindsay enters and sits between Tina and Amy; applause]

Hi! Hi Lindsay.

Amy Poehler: Hi Lindsay! Lindsay, we are very worried about you, OK? What’s going on?

Lindsay Lohan: Nothing. Everything’s great.

Tina Fey: Are you eating?

Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, I’m eating.

Tina Fey: OK, ‘cause you know what, [grabbing Lindsay’s right arm] these are Mischa Barton arms, yeah. And I don’t like that. I think Lindsay Lohan should have Lindsay Lohan arms.

Lindsay Lohan: I- I’ve just been really busy working on my movie, “Herbie,” and my album, “Speak.”

Amy Poehler: OK, let’s talk about this album.

Tina Fey: You are a very good singer.

Amy Poehler: That is true. You have a lovely voice, but you are such a good actress. I don’t want to hear that you’re neglecting your acting!

Lindsay Lohan: Amy, I’m not neglecting my acting. I mean, a lot of actors my age have albums. Everyone’s doing it!

Amy Poehler: If Hillary Duff jumped off a bridge, would you want to do that too?

Lindsay Lohan: No, duh.

Amy Poehler: Duh? Duh? Is “duh” a word?

Lindsay Lohan: I- I didn’t mean “duh,” I just meant everything is fine.

Tina Fey: Mm-hmm. Now you’ve been wearing a lot of low-cut blouses lately—

Lindsay Lohan: Tina, nobody says “blouses.”

Tina Fey: Fine. Low cut tops, whatever the kids say, alright? So now I’m gonna ask you one more time: are those things real?

Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Yes!

Tina Fey: Because when people ask me if they’re real, I always tell them yes, and I would hate for you to be making a liar out of me, Lindsay.

Amy Poehler: Because people ask us a lot.

Lindsay Lohan: OK, you know what? Stop it, you guys are embarrassing me. Besides, I’m not sure you two are the best mentors for me anyway.

[Tina and Amy gasp in astonishment]

Because Tina, you admitted to me that you used to have sex with a guy ‘cause you thought he would help you get into movies.

Tina Fey: Yes, but that was before Fandango made everything so easy! [some applause]

Lindsay Lohan: OK, I mean, and Amy, you’re drunk right now.

Amy Poehler: How dare you! I am!

Lindsay Lohan: Listen, I love you guys, but I gotta go.

Amy Poehler: OK, wait. Where are you going?

Lindsay Lohan: I don’t know. I’m just gonna go to Colin’s dressing room and say hi.

Tina and Amy: No, no, no.

Amy Poehler: Young lady, no. You go home, and you go right to bed.

Lindsay Lohan: Fine. I will see you guys in church tomorrow.

Tina Fey: OK.

Amy Poehler: Right here, please. [Lindsay kisses both Tina and Amy on the cheek]

Tina Fey: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: Thank you. Wait wait wait, where are you really going?

Lindsay Lohan: Marquee.

Amy Poehler: What is that, like, a club? Is that a cool place, or—

Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, it’s a club, and actually it’s really fun.

Amy Poehler: So you’ll probably be dancing ‘til six in the morning, and making out with 25-year-old underwear models?

Lindsay Lohan: I don’t know, maybe.

Amy Poehler: [pauses for a moment] Take us with you! Please!

Lindsay Lohan: Guys! I can’t take you guys with me.

Tina Fey: Fine. Lindsay Lohan, everybody. [applause]

Amy Poehler: Get outta here.

Tina Fey: Our teen mentee, Lindsay Lohan!

Amy Poehler: We’re good role models!

NASA officials were alarmed to learn this week that the food supply on the International Space Station has almost run out. Though neither astronaut on the station could explain where all the food has gone, NASA officials have their suspicions. [picture of an overweight astronaut]

Tina Fey: It was reported that Mel Gibson is buying a private 5000-acre island in Fiji for fifteen million dollars. Not having any Jews around: priceless.

Amy Poehler: While boarding a flight in Africa, members of 50 Cent’s [pronounced “fiddy cent’s”] entourage—[interrupted by audience laughter] That’s how you say it! Members of 50 Cent’s entourage—[more laughter] Is that funny? I should just stop the joke right here.

Members of 50 Cent’s entourage got into a fight with a Nigerian rapper after he tried to sit in a seat reserved for 50 Cent. On the plus side, the terrorists on board were all too scared to try anything.

Actually, Tina, you know I think I know how this fight started. [as a member of the entourage] Hey, that seat is 50 Cent’s!

Tina Fey: [as the Nigerian] Uh, I only have a dollar.

Amy Poehler: No, no, no. That seat is 50 Cent’s!

Tina Fey: Do you have change?

Amy Poehler: No, no, I ain’t hearin’ nothing. The seat you’re sittin’ in belongs to 50 Cent.

Tina Fey: I already paid the lady for the ticket! This is ludicrous!

Amy Poehler: Aw, no, no. I’m Ludacris! And it’s on now!

[Tina and Amy awkwardly punch each other and shoot off fake guns. After a moment, they bow to the audience. Cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Professional magician The Amazing Randy has promised one million dollars to anyone who can prove supernatural powers or phenomena really exist. I think it’s a supernatural phenomenon when a magician named The Amazing Randy has a million dollars!

Amy Poehler: The Supreme Court ruled Monday that members of the Ku Klux Klan cannot protest in New York City wearing their hoods and they must show their faces, because New Yorkers like to see who they’re punching. [applause]

A teenage girl- A teenage girl recently found a twenty-pound brick of marijuana while cleaning up a Pennsylvania beach. And here’s the awesome part of the story: I’ve adopted her! [applause]

Tina Fey: Our host this week, Colin Farrell, is the star of the new Oliver Stone big-budget epic “Alexander.” Much of the attention around the film has centered on Alexander the Great’s sexuality. Here to comment is Colin Farrell.

[pan to Colin; applause]

Colin Farrell: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I’m very proud of “Alexander.” It’s an honest, multifaceted portrayal of one of the greatest figures of the ancient world. And yet, all anyone seems to talk about is how this guy liked men as well as women. He’s so much more than that!

I mean, this is a man who was able to take a group of fresh-faced young boys and whip them into one of the greatest armies the world has ever seen. And it’s not like it was that easy to get these guys to go off and follow him. As everyone knows, it’s very hard to get Greek men to leave their brothers behind. So he looked all over Greece, and found men who were anxious to leave home because they didn’t like the way they were being reared.

Tina Fey: Th- This is fascinating. And during this whole time, the Greeks were constantly being attacked by the Persian army, right?

Colin Farrell: Yes, that’s right, and the Persians were strong, manly fighters. But Alexander managed to beat off the entire Persian army.

Amy Poehler: Amazing, amazing. And yet, all people can talk about is that he mighta been gay!

Colin Farrell: Sad, isn’t it? I mean, he united all of Greece, and got them to fight together as a nation.

Amy Poehler: So he used Greece to beat off the men of the Persian army?

Colin Farrell: Yes he did, Amy. Without Greece, the job of beating off the entire Persian army would’ve been much harder. I mean, this way he can finish them off quicker.

Tina Fey: That- that’s true. I know that, ‘cause I’m Greek. So, what was a typical battle like for Alexander?

Colin Farrell: Well, his preference was always to take the Persians from behind.

Amy Poehler: Of course, sure.

Colin Farrell: Alexander would use his troops to form a long phalanx, and then he would spread their flanks and ram the head of the phalanx into the Persian rear. And then his master stroke—you’ll like this, Amy—unknown to the Persians, Alexander would hide an entire battalion of the Greek navy inside the phalanx.

Amy Poehler: Really? Wow.

Colin Farrell: Yes. So finally, after pounding away for hours and hours, a raging torrent of Greek seamen would erupt into the Persian rear.

Tina Fey: Amazing. And all we Americans care about is the fact that he may have had sex with a man! We’re so provincial, unbelievable. Colin Farrell, everybody!

[Applause; Colin distracts Tina for a moment]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler…and this is Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Kuwait Briefing

Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Soldier #1…..Rob Riggle
Soldier #2…..Will Forte
Soldier #3…..Kenan Thompson
Soldier #4…..Finesse Mitchell
Soldier #5…..Rachel Dratch

[General introduces Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and soldiers stand and applaud him]

Rumsfeld: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. My goodness. What a group. Now before we begin, I want to express on behalf of the entire nation my deepest gratitude for the service you have given and the sacrifices you have all made. And God bless you. [applause] Now as the General said, I’m here to answer your questions. [looks around the crowd] Yes.

Soldier #1: [clears throat] Secretary Rumsfeld, uh, our troops have been in Iraq for three years. Our vehicles don’t have armor plating, so we’re digging through landfills for pieces of scrap metal. My question is, why aren’t resources like armor plating readily available?

Rumsfeld: That’s a fair question, and I suppose my answer would be, in any war there are going to be shortages of equipment. It’s simply the nature of war, especially one as poorly planned as this one.

Soldier #1: Uh-huh.

Rumsfeld: In fact, I would suspect your complaint is a common one. [pointing out in the crowd] Who else here is short of equipment? [points] Yes.

Soldier #2: Uh, our unit has almost no communications gear.

Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] You, Sir.

Soldier #3: Uh, we need night vision goggles.

Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] Yes.

Soldier #4: [throws his hands up in the air] Sir, we still don’t have any pants. [camera zooms out to show him in only a jacket and underwear.]

Rumsfeld: [scowls] My goodness. That kind of thing is inexcusable. No question about it. Now, is the lack of basic equipment for our troops something we’re willing to live with? Absolutely not. Are we putting every resource at our disposal into solving this problem? You bet. Is it going to be corrected any time soon? I have no idea. But as for your question, Sir, about the armor for refitting and up armoring our trucks, that we do have.

Soldier #1: Really?

Rumsfeld: Absolutely.

Soldier #1: That’s great. How soon will it get here?

Rumsfeld: Oh, it’s been here. Got here about six months ago.

Soldier #1: It’s here? In Kuwait?

Rumsfeld: Right over in the next hangar. I’ve seen it. It’s state-of-the-art. Looks great.

[The soldier and Rumsfeld look back and forth at each other, both waiting for the other to say something.]

Soldier #1: Could, uh, could we have it?

Rumsfeld: Well, it’s sort of packed away.

Soldier #1: But we will be receiving it?

Rumsfeld: Well, the thing it, it’s kind of hard to get to. It’s back behind a bunch of other stuff. How soon do ya need it?

Soldier #1: As soon as possible, really, would be great.

Rumsfeld: Aw, that’s not gonna be easy.

Soldier #1: My unit would be happy to go in there and help unload it.

Rumsfeld: Well, the problem is, you wouldn’t know where to look. And we really can’t have a bunch of guys to go in there digging around. I’m sorry.

Soldier #1: (tsk) Ok. [thinks for a moment] Oh! What if we were really careful and put everything back exactly where we found it?

Rumsfeld: [shakes head] I wish I could help. I really do. But if we gave your unit armor, we’d have to give it to everybody.

Soldier #1: I understand.

Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] Yes.

Soldier #5: Hi. Um, I was supposed to go home a year ago, but my tour has been extended twice because of the Stop Loss program. Can anything be done about that?

Rumsfeld: Regrettably, the Stop Loss program, in which a soldier’s tour of duty can be extended without his consent, has become an unfortunate fact of life in today’s military. Now, does everyone agree that it’s not the ideal solution to our recruitment problems? Of course. Is it used any more than is absolutely necessary? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. But when you signed up for the National Guard, that’s a chance you took.

Soldier #5: Well, see, that’s the thing. I didn’t actually sign up for the Guard. Um, I thought I was applying for a bank loan to buy a car, and the next thing I knew I was drugged, thrown in a van, and here I am.

Rumsfeld: Obviously…obviously, I’m not going to deny there are problems with the kidnap-enforceable enlistment program, even though, to be perfectly honest, it was my idea. I suppose one could look at it philosophically that it’s the price one pays for being an American citizen.

Soldier #5: Ok, see, that’s the other thing. I’m not an American citizen. I was just visiting here from Canada. It seems wrong somehow.

Rumsfeld: My gosh, what an absolutely awful story. I only wish there was something I could do. [points elsewhere] Yes.

Soldier #1: It’s uh, me again. Suppose we just borrowed the armor plating, and then after the mission we just-

Rumsfeld: [Interrupts, chuckling] Aw, come on now, don’t make me shoot you. [chuckles] Seriously, don’t. [looks around] Any other questions? Nope. In that case, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Nicole Sheldon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Big Roach Problem

Man…..Colin Farrell
Woman…..Amy Poehler
Roach #1…..Horatio Sanz

Man: Well, this is the place. [unlocking door] Let me just peek in and make sure the coast is clear. I have a bit of a roach problem.

Woman: Well, don’t worry about it. I have roaches in my apartment too. This is New York City. Everybody has roaches.

Man: Yeah, but I have a BIG roach problem.

Woman: I have so many in my apartment I’m gonna start charging rent.

[Both laugh and enter apartment]

Man: C’mon in.

[Both walk in apartment, and it’s completely dark.]

Woman: Oh wow, it’s really dark.

Man: [closes door] Uh, yeah. I’ll just put the food down and light a few candles.

Woman: Okay. You know what, well, let me just turn on a light so you can see just a-

Man: No! Not the lights!

[The lights come on, and there is a human-sized roach sitting on the couch eating out of a box of Honey Comb cereal. He freezes then jumps off the couch. Woman screams.]

Man: There he is! [The roach jumps over the back of couch] Do you see him? [The roach runs out the kitchen door.]

Woman: Oh my-

Man: Did you see him? He just ran into the bathroom!

Woman: Oh my god! What the hell was that?! Was that thing just eating a box of cereal?!

Man: Damn thing loves cereal. [He picks up the box] No matter how tight you close the box, they always find a way in anyway.

Woman: Is there a power plant near here? That thing was huge!

Man: Like you said, everyone has roaches. This is New York, right?

Woman: No, no, that was, like, the biggest roach I’ve ever seen. Gross!

Man: Yeah, well, he’s gone now, so just start setting up the food. I’ll just take these coats and put them in the closet. [He opens the closet door, the roach is in there, and Woman yells.]

Man: What?!

Woman: Behind you!

Man: Who?!

Woman: The roach!

Man: Where?!

[The roach runs around behind Man every time he turns around, so he never does see him.]

Woman: The roach is behind you!

Man: What?

Woman: Right behind you!

Man: Where?!

Woman: Right behind you! It went behind the couch!

Man: I don’t believe it! [He takes off his boot]

Woman: Get him! Hit him before he gets away.

Man: He’s not getting away this time. [He starts beating the roach behind the couch and some guts/slime sprays all over him with every hit. Woman yells out.]

Man: I think I killed him. [He points at the roach and then at his shirt]

Woman: Oh, thank God!

Man: Ugh! I got roach guts on my nice shirt.

Woman: [looking around] Wait, I can hear him moving! There he is! There he is! [She points over at the wall behind the couch]

Man: Dammit, where is he?!

Woman: He’s over there!

Man: Where?!

Woman: Next to the window!

Man: Where?!

Woman: Uh-uh-how can you not see him?!

Man: [whispers loudly] I see him! I can see him! [whispers loudly and slowly] Hand me the can of spray, Baby.

[Amy moves slowly and grabs the can of spray off the coffee table and hands it to Colin. Man walks nonchalantly behind the couch chuckling as if they were talking about something funny.]

Man: [laughs] Yeah.

[He laughs more and then lunges at the roach spraying him up and down with the spray. The roach just shoos it away from his face, holds his nose, and nothing happens to him.]

Man: It’s not working! [He looks at the can] This is air freshener. [He hands it to Amy] Hand me the roach spray.

Woman: Oh, sorry. [She hands him the roach spray]

Man: You’re goin’ down this time, you big possum. [He starts spraying the roach and it reacts like it’s dying. It fights until it falls to the floor.] Ugh! That should do it. I think he’s finally dead.

Woman: You’re not gonna leave him on the floor there, are you?

Man: [says sarcastically] No-o. Hand me some tissue. I’m gonna flush him down the toilet.

Woman: [grabs about 5 tissues] If you flush him down the toilet, he’s gonna go into the ocean and kill somebody.

Man: Well, let me at least move him. [He pushes up his sleeves] All right. [He tugs with all his might behind the couch] Ugh! He’s too heavy. [He tries again and yanks off two legs] Gross!

Woman: Well, just cover him with the tissue then.

Man: [acts as if he got an idea] Ah! [He points at her with the legs, then sets them down and unfolds the tissues. He gingerly places the tissues on top of the roach.] Whew! [He claps his hands together as if to dust them off] Uh, let’s turn off these lights and get cozy. [He sighs, turns off the lights, walks over to couch and sits down] Now this is more like it.

Woman: Y-y-y-you sure that roach is dead? [She looks around]

Man: Don’t be scared. He’s dead.

Woman: C-c-c-could you just make sure?

Man: [throws his hands up] Okay.

Woman: I’m coming with you!

Man: Don’t be scared, he’s dead.

[They walk together to turn the lights on. They turn around the there are 3 roaches climbing on their furniture and eating their food.]

Together: Oh my god!

[They both keep yelling and the roaches jump up to scurry away. Man starts beating them with his boot. Woman grabs the spray and starts spraying them. One tries to kiss Amy.]

Man: [yells at a roach] What are you doing with my cereal?! Get out of my cereal! [He throws his boot at the roach.]

[They keep fighting the roaches as the scene ends.]

Submitted by: Nicole Sheldon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack Shack

Pat Sylviak…..Horatio Sanz
Patti Sylviak…..Maya Rudolph
Zack Kakinsakis…..Colin Farrell

Pat: How many times has this happened? You’re shopping for slacks and smack you have a snack attack. But after you get your snack you have to backtrack to the shack that sells knick knacks.

Patti: How would you react if we told you that now you can get your slacks, snacks and knick knacks all in one shack?

Pat: Hi, I’m Pat Sylviak.

Patti: And I’m Patti Sylviak. And we’re the owners of Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack. So if you’re looking for all of that you’re on the right track.

Pat: Let us show you some of our slacks. We have ‘em in black. Just listen to our stock boy, Zack Kakinsakis.

Zack: Hi, Pat and Patti.

Pat and Patti: Hi, Zack.

Patti: You want to get in on the act?

Zack: I do, as a matter of fact. You might think I’m whack, but I could spend all afternoon looking at this fantastic rack of slacks. All our slacks have elastic waistbands intact. And look at that. Snap, snap, snap. This backflap tacks back just like that. And all our slacks come in black, khaki, lilac, and blue. I’m sorry, that’s blue-black, Pat. Look at that! And across the back of this slack, the union jack. Look at that!

Patti: Zack, I gotta ask – do these slacks make my back end look fat?

Zack: Let me tell you something, Aunt Pat, your ass in those slacks is where it’s at.

Patti: Watch it Zack, you’re gonna get a smack.

Pat: I better get a snack.

Zack: We got cracker jacks, cheesy mac, tic tacs, and mini stacks of Monterey jack.

Pat: Hey guys, how about I show you some knick knacks? Candles made of beeswax with signs of the zodiac.

Patti: Hand-crafted welcome mats with rubber backs.

Zack: And don’t forget this vintage hand-shellacked plaque of Fleetwood Mac.

Patti: Oh no, don’t sell that! Keep that in the back with my blacklight poster of Roberta Flack.

Pat: And don’t forget to put your John Hancock on this card we’re sending with a sack of slacks to the troops in Iraq.

Patti: And this week relax, no tax. And now shop on-line at… http://www.patnpattisslackssnacksandknickknacks@patnpattisbackpackshack.ack

Pat: What do you say to that Zack?

Zack: What are you, jacked up on crack? Make tracks down to Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.

[Music and singing]

Pat, Patti, and Zack:
“Slacks, snacks and knick knacks
Come to Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.”

Patti and Zack: At Pat ‘N Patti’s…

Pat: Slack, slack, slacks.

Patti and Zack: At Pat ‘N Patti’s…

Pat: Snack, snack, snacks.

Pat, Patti, and Zack: Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack!

Zack: Baby’s got slacks!

Narrator: Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack. Right next to Kowansak Cadillac. Where Cermack meets Tamarac.

Submitted by: Santiago Edison

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Merv the Perv

Boss…..Seth Meyers
Merv the Perv…..Chris Parnell
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Steve the Skeeve…..Colin Farrell

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to poster ]

[ Poster reads: “Hesslebart & Minton CHRISTMAS PARTY 4PM Main Cinference Room” ]

[ dissolve to interior, main conference room ]

Boss: Alright, everybody! Now that I have your attention, just a couple of quick announcements: We’ve had a great Fall quarter, here at Hesslebart & Minton. What do you say we keep it going into the new year, huh?

[ the employees cheer ]

Boss: Okay, okay, that’s enough business talk! I’m gonna go refill the egg nog bowl — again. [ everyone giggles ] You guys relax, have a few drinks, and let’s just try to blow off a little steam, okay?

[ Merv the Perv saunters in ]

Merv the Perv: Hey! You guys talkin’ about blowin’ off a little steam? Allow me to introduce “Steam” — AKA: [ points below ] my weiner.

Boss: Merv. Not glad you could make it.

Merv the Perv: Mmm-mmm. That’s Merv — the Perv.

[ cut to animated theme slide of an attractive woman. Merv The Perv appears on her shoulder ]

Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “I’m talkin’ lo-ove! It’s a crazy roller coaster ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ jumps into the woman’s cleavage, poking his head out playfully ] I’m sayin’ lo-ove! You know it comes from deep insi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ falls through the woman’s body and exits between her legs to the floor ] Now we’re livin’ and laughin’, learnin’ ’cause he’s truly Merv the Perv. That’s Merv the Perv!”

[ dissolve back to the Christmas party, as Merv approaches three female co-workers ]

Merv the Perv: Ho-ho-ho, ladies! Who wants to sit on Santa’s lap?

Amy: No thanks, Merv.

Merv the Perv: Alright, fine — how ’bout my face?

Rachel: Come on, Merv! It’s the holiday season!

Merv the Perv: Yeah? [ singing ] “‘Tis the season to get my jollies — fa-la-la-la-la…” [ he laps his tongue in a disgusting manner ]

Rachel: Gross!!

Amy: Look, Merv, why don’t you go jump out a window?

Merv the Perv: Or — why don’t I go jump on… a Widow? [ turns as an older female co-workers walks past ] And how do you do, Mrs. Goldblatt?

[ he chuckles lasciviously, as she makes a face and scampers off ]

Merv the Perv: [ looking above Amy and Rachel’s heads ] Hey! Lucky me! You two are standing underneath the mistletoe!

Amy: [ looks up ] There’s no mistletoe, Merv.

Merv the Perv: Hmm…

[ a mustachioed stranger saunters in ]

Steve the Skeeve: [ with a Britsh accent ] That may be, but I see two camel toes with my name on them.

Merv the Perv: Nice!

[ Merv and Steve high-five one another and chuckle ]

[ Amy and Rachel are clearly impressed by the stranger that is inexplicably friends with Merv ]

Rachel: Merv! Um — aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?

Steve the Skeeve: The name’s Steve… [ extends his hand ] Steve the Skeeve. Now — which one of you wants to visit my… North Pole? Get it?

Amy & Rachel: [ chipperly ] Of course I do!! Yes!! That’s very funny!!

Merv the Perv: Hey, Steve here is my cousin from the UK. But you might say I’m from the F-U-C —

Amy: [ interrupting ] Yeah, we get it, Merv.

Steve the Skeeve: That’s right — I’m from across the pond, but, hopefully, later tonight, I’ll be across the blonde.

[ Merv and Steve laugh, as the girls titter ]

Rachel: [ whispering to Amy ] His accent is SO elegant..!

Merv the Perv: Hey, you want to hear my idea of elegant? You two slipping out of those antlers, heading back to my place, and massaging my planters horse with your boobies.

[ the girls remain speechless for a moment ]

Amy: Merv, you are such a bonehead!

Steve the Skeeve: Hey — I’ll supply the bone, you supply the head, we could make a movie.

[ Merv laughs ]

Amy: [ giggling ] Oh, my God — he’s like Shakespeare!

Merv the Perv: Hey, I LOVE Shakespeare! Speaking of which, I’ll be putting on a production of Core-a-lanus out in my van! Who wants to audition?

[ a visibly pregnant Maya steps forward, and whispers into the girls’ ears ]

Maya: Hey, girls — who’s the hunk with Merv the Perv?

Amy: Back off, I saw him first.

Merv the Perv: Howdy, Preggo! If that’s a little lady you’ve got in there, then I’m lookin’ at my first three-way!

Maya: [ stunned ] That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Steve the Skeeve: [ stepping forward ] Hey there, beautiful. If you’re not busy later, how about we adjoin to the janitor’s closet, drop trou, and see if I can hit baby?

Maya: [ blushing ] Wow! You know just what to say!

Steve the Skeeve: [ drops to his knees and touches Maya’s belly ] Hey, little fella… better make some room in there, it’s about to get real crowded.

Rachel: Wow! She’s so lucky!

Amy: I know — tell me about it!

Merv the Perv: [ points to his genitals ] I’ll tell you about this: three solid inches of hairless, wrinkled pleasure with your name on it! [ motions his fingers ] Come and get some.

Rachel: Okay! That’s it! Merv, you need to learn a lesson from your cousin, Steve the Skeeve here. He is a gentleman, and he treats women with RESPECT!

[ Steve pops his head out from under Rachel’s skirt ]

Steve the Skeeve: Merv, you have GOT to check this out! The view from down here is FANTASTIC!

Merv the Perv: [ chuckles ] I’m sure it is, Steve… but I can take a hint. These ladies clearly want me to leave, so I guess I’ll just take off… MY PANTS!!

[ Merv pulls his breakaway pants loose to reveal a red-and-green candy cane thong ]

Girls: Oh, Merrrrrrrvv!!

Merv the Perv: Hey, that’s Merv… the Perv!

[ a circle surrounds Merv and Steve ]

Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “That’s Merv the Perv!”

Merv and Steve: Merry Christmas, ladies!

[ SUPER: “Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts