Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 10

97j: Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five

Mango

Gang Member #1…..Tracy Morgan
Gang Member #2…..Tim Meadows
Gangleader…..Samuel L. Jackson
Mango…..Chris Kattan
Punk…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on interior, Beefcakes, where two Gang Members sit at a table with their Gangleader ]

Gang Member #1: Hey, boss, it’s really nice of you to take us out tonight.

Gangleader: Well, you boys did such fine work turning over them stolen cars, I thought, why not celebrate by coming out here to this strip club.

Gang Member #2: It’s all good!

Announcer: And now! Put your hands together for the mystery known as Mango!

[ Mango steps out from behind the curtain on stage, and begins his seductive dance ]

Gang Member #1: It’s a dude!

Gang Member #2: Hey, I told you Beefcakes was the wrong place!

Gangleader: Hey, let’s get the hell out of here!

Announcer: Give it up for Mango!

[ as the Gang Members jump outo f their seats, Mango stands before theGangleader and teases him with his dance, as Everybody But The Girl’s “Missing” begins to play ]
Gangleader: Mango. Mango!

Gang Member #2: [ grabbing him ] Come on, man, let’s go!

[ dissolve to a scene in a back alley, where the Gangleader and his boys are beating on a Punk ]

Gangleader: Now, you tell your boss if he ever tries to rip me off again, I’ll give him what I’m about to give you. You got that? Huh? Huh?

[ Gangleader starts to repeatedly punch the Punk, until Mango appears as a vision in his mind, and dances seductively – the Gangleader ceases punching the Punk ]

Punk: What did you quit hitting me for?

Gangleader: [ snapping out of his daydream ] Who said I quit hitting you? Shut up! Shut up!

[ dissolve interior, Gangleader’s living room, where he’s paying off his demanding Gang Members ]

Gangleader: Slow down! Slow down! You’re all going to get your money. [ begins handing out money ] Now, T.J. here’s your share from the stripped Cady’s I did. Jessie, $800 for the work..

[ Suddenly, the vision of Mango appears again in the Gangleader’s mind,causing him to look away from handing out the money ]

Gang Member #3: Hey, man. You alright?

Gang Member #4: Man, what’s going on, man?

Gangleader: [ snapping out of his daydream ] I gotta go!

[ Gangleader throws the rest of the money in the air and rushes out of the door, as the Gang Members fight over the money flying around the air ]

[ dissolve to interior, Mango’s dressing room, as he tries to squeeze into the room and escape his Fans’ grips ]

Fans: Mango! Mango!

Mango: Go away! Mango wants to be alone! [ closes the door on all his fans ] Oh, why must I be Mango? Why can’t I be someone else. Someone normal. Like say.. John Ritter? But, no. I have to be Mango.

[ the Gangleader stands outside Mango’s dressing room, calling for him ]
Gangleader: Mango!

Mango: No! Go away! No more Mango for you!

Gangleader: Mango! [ turns to the Fans ] Back off! [ he fights his way through the Fans and enters Mango’s dressing room, slamming the door behind him ]
Mango: What is it? Who are you?

Gangleader: My name is Lucius Monroe. But they call me Hard Core. I deal in stolen cars and drugs. But, now you are the only drug I’m addicted to. [ holds out a gift for Mango ]

Mango: [ knocks the gift to the floor ] If you start out using Mango, it will only lead to more Mango. And then, pretty soon, you’ll need more and more and more and more of the Mango, until there is no more Mango left. Not even for Mango!

Gangleader: [ pulls out a gun and points it at Mango ] If I can’t have you, I’m prepared to take you!

Mango: Can you take the color blue out of the sky? Can you grab the mountains and put them in a pocket? Can you sit down at a table with a knife and fork and try to eat a rainbow? No! And such is Mango!
Gangleader: [ misty-eyed ] I see now. I was stupid to think I could have you.

Mango: Yes, that’s right. [ reaches for the Gangleader ]

Gangleader: Mango! Please!

Mango: No! Get out! I hate you!

[ Gangleader turns away, as Mango reaches again ]

Gangleader: But, it’s just..

Mango: No! You can’t have-a the Mango!

[ Mango spanks himself and reaches for the Gangleader, who stops one last time ]

Gangleader: Goodbye, Mango! [ steps out of the dressing room and yells at the Fans ] Back off! Back off!

Mango: Goodbye, Lucius Monroe.

[ Mango’s Fans rush in and surround him as he struggles to be left alone ]

Mango’s fans then rush in and smother him with affection.[ cut to the Gangleader sitting in his satin-sheeted bed fondling Mango’s glove and weeping ]

Gangleader: MANGO-O-O-O!!

[ Music out: “Missing”, as scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 10

97j: Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five

Judge Judy

Judge Judy…..Cheri Oteri
Byrd the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan
Ordell Roby…..Samuel L. Jackson
Brenda Shank…..Ana Gasteyer

Byrd the Bailiff: Your Honor, this is Case #140: Roby vs. Shank. The parties have been sworn in.

Judge Judy: how was your weekend, Byrd?

Byrd the Bailiff: It was good. I seen “Amistad”.

Judge Judy: See “Mouse Hunt”, it’ll change your life.

Ordell Roby: [ piping in ] I saw “Mouse Hunt”, your Honor, it changed MY life, too..

Judge Judy: [ peeved ] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Sir! Is your name “Byrd”, Sir?

Ordell Roby: No, your Honor..

Judge Judy: Then shut your stinking trap, Sir! ‘Cause I’m Judge Judy, and I’m tough!

Byrd the Bailiff: [ mimicking ] She’s tough!

Judge Judy: But I’m fair.

Byrd the Bailiff: She’s talkin’ ’bout fair!

Judge Judy: Now, Mr. Roby, Sir, what is it exactly that you do for a living? What is your occupation?

Ordell Roby: Well, my primary occupation concerns the wholesalin’ of bullet proportion devices. But recently, I started moonlightin’ as a physical fitness trainer – or, in layman’s terms, your Honor, a Personal Trainer.

Judge Judy: Yeah, thanks for the clarification, Jack LaLanne.. Okay, now what seems to be the problem here?

Ordell Roby: Well, your Honor, my client has done refused to render payment for services rendered that I rendered to her in the week of December.

Brenda Shank: Your Honor, I hired Ordell to help me get back into shape, and he failed!

Judge Judy: Buh-buh-buh! I’ll tell you when it’s your turn to talk, you fat sack of fat! Continue, Ordell.

Ordell Roby: Your Honor, Miss Shank done succumbed to the pressure to become what the media dictates as the Ideal Woman – e.1., such as your supermodels and what not. You seem there’s only so much I can do with a white woman’s ass!

[ Byrd laughs ]

Judge Judy: You think that’s funny, Byrd?

Byrd the Bailiff: Uh.. no, Judge.

Judge Judy: There you go. Continue, Miss Shank.

Brenda Shank: Your Honor, he had me doing leg lifts while balancing an ashtray on my butt!

Ordell Roby: [ excited ] That exercise works the lower lumbar area, your Honor! And the ashtray merely provides resistance. It also allows me to enjoy me a filterless Camel, you know, while the interim’s going on.

Judge Judy: I’ll tell you what resistance is, Sir! Resistance is what’s keeping me from jumping over this bench and ripping that rat’s tail off of your chin! [ to Miss Shank ] Go on, Chunky Nut.

Brenda Shank: I also feel it is very inappropriate for a trainer to bring friends over during a workout!

Ordell Roby: [ alarmed ] Uh, they was professional spotters, Ma’am!

Brenda Shank: All they did was drink, run up my phone bill, and break my tea set!

Ordell Roby: Your Honor, that is a falsity!

Judge Judy: A what?

Ordell Roby: A falsity, Judge!

Judge Judy: Uh.. I see. You mean, as in.. untruthitude?

Ordell Roby: That’s it!

Judge Judy: Okay. Now I understandify. [ pause ] Byrd, I made a joke.

Byrd the Bailiff: [ laughs ] Judge made a joke!

[ Ordell Roby laughs with Byrd ]

Judge Judy: Thanks for the bone, fellas. So, Miss Shank, you felt you were in jeopardy, correct?

Brenda Shank: Yes. And I drew the line when my cardio workout meant dragging bags of money through airport security at 11:30 at night..

Ordell Roby: Uh, that’s really good for the gloots, your Honor!

Judge Judy: Ordell! Ordell, don’t pee on my shoe and tell me it’s raining, Sir!

Ordell Roby: I’m not peeing! I’m not..!

Judge Judy: Hey, buh-buh-buh! One minute, Ponytail! It sounds to me like you’ve got other activities going on besides personal training. Is that correct, Sir?

Ordell Roby: No, that’s an untruthitude, your Honor..

Judge Judy: No! Is that correct, Mr. Roby?

Ordell Roby: I wouldn’t say that..

Judge Judy: Answer the question, Mr. Roby!

Ordell Roby: Aw, come on, let me say my piece, you fine, fine, pretty lady, you!

Judge Judy: [ flattered ] Okay.

Ordell Roby: Thank you. Now, I do the best I can with my female clientele. Everybody wants to look sexy like Jackee! But what they don’t understand is there ain’t no amount of exercise gonna turn Shirley Hemphill into Toni Braxton. I mean, not every woman can keep a tight, fine body like yours, your Honor..

Judge Judy: Don’t you try to get on my good side, Sir! I’ve heard enough, I’m ready to rule!

ert the Bailiff: She’s ready to rule!

Judge Judy: Now.. I’ve had a lot of shysters come through my courtroom. But, Miss Shank, you take the cake. And it seems you also eat it.

Brenda Shank: [ appalled ] Your Honor!

Judge Judy: One minute, Cowpie! This man has done nothing but his personal best to find creative ways to get you in shape! And you have done nothing but put up walls to impede your progress! This court rules in favor of the Plaintiff, in the amount of $460 for the services rendered in the week of December. In layman’s terms – Ordell, you are the bomb, Sir.

Ordell Roby: [ exhilirated ] Judy, Judy, Judy!

Judge Judy: This court is dismissed! [ bangs gavel ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

January 10th, 1998

Samuel L. Jackson

Ben Folds Five

None

None
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) uses the country’s budget surplus to make a gratuitous sex film.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Montage

Samuel L. Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Samuel L. Jackson reads off some of his New Year’s resolutions.

Transcript

Lemon GlowSummary: The illuminating floor cleaner provides a renewed life for a suburban housewife (Molly Shannon) who used to live the wild life.

Note: Repeat from: 97c.

Publisher’s ClearinghouseSummary: Ghetto dad James Stapleton (Samuel L. Jackson) is the unexpected Publisher’s Clearinghouse prize winner.

Quentin Tarantino: A ProfileRecurring Characters: Quentin Tarantino, Walter Cronkite, Burt Reynolds.

Jazzterpieces

Judge JudySummary: Sassy Judge Judy (Cheri Oteri) rules in favor of a phony fitness instructor (Samuel L. Jackson) who has swindled a housewife (Ana Gasteyer).

Recurring Characters: Judge Judy, Byrd.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: George Clooney foils the papparazzi in Rob Smigel’s parody of “Speed Racer”.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Harry Caray.

Transcript

Ben Folds Five performs “Brick”

TitanicSummary: Fifth Class black passengers (Samuel L. Jackson, Tracy Morgan) are denied their chance to evacuate after the Titanic hits an iceberg.

MangoRecurring Characters: Mango.

Transcript

The Learning AnnexRecurring Characters: Helen Madden.

Poolside Lovin’Summary: Dallas (Samuel L. Jackson) is ready to get down with the ladies, but all (Chris Kattan) can think about is his recently-deceased dad.

Transcript

The Weston CollectionSummary: A male model (Will Ferrell) garners respect when he wears the “I’m #1” hat from the Weston Collection.

Note: Repeat from: 97f.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Colin Quinn

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou, I’m Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news. Ourtop story tonight:

This week, following revelations that he lied abouthis military service, the body of former diplomat andDemocratic contributor Larry Lawrence was removed fromArlington Cemetery. Commenting on the affair, an angryPresident Clinton called it, quote, “The mostoutrageous deception regarding one’s military servicesince me!” …

At a press conference this week, FAA officialsstudying last year’s crash of TWA flight 800,announced that they have pinpointed the cause: afrayed wire leading from the jet’s fuel tank.According to the investigators, the wire became frayedwhen it was struck by a missile. … That’ll – that’llfray a wire.

Golden State Warriors star Latrell Sprewell, suspendedlast week for attacking and choking his coach, hashired attorney Johnnie Cochran to represent him. At apress conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client didnot choke his coach, and even offered a reward to helpfind the real chokers. … [cheers andapplause]

President Clinton met this week with Chinese dissidentWei Jingsheng, a leading advocate of democracy inChina, who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearlyeighteen years. However, the meeting had to beabruptly cut short when the president learned that Mr.Jingsheng is broke. … [some applause]

At a congressional hearing this week, Republicansblasted Attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal toinvestigate White House fundraising. Responding tocriticisms, Reno said, “Wow! Some congressmen mustreally want their homes firebombed and run over bytanks, huh?” …

Well, our best wishes to North Carolina Senator JesseHelms, who at 76 years old, recently underwent surgeryto repair an old knee injury. Doctors say the senatorwill no longer need his cane for walking but Helmssays he will continue to use it to scare off youngwhippersnappers. … Nothin’ better than a cane toscare off young whippersnappers.

This week, computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, theinternet’s most popular website, and vowed to unleasha crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is notreleased from prison. Experts warn that catching thesecyberterrorists will not be an easy task, and mayrequire the cooperation of both nerds AND geeks. …[some applause]

Well, President Clinton received an early Christmaspresent this week — an adorable Labrador puppy. Andpresidential historians say that it will be good forhis image. According to these scholars, in comparisonto a male dog, the president’s sex life will seemrelatively normal. …

Norm MacDonald: Well, the recent bailout ofSouth Korea by the International Monetary Fund ishaving ramifications that will be felt globally. Herewith a comment is our own Colin Quinn. Hey, Col.[Cheers and applause as we pan over to a drunken ColinQuinn who has loosened his collar and necktie andcarries a plastic cup of eggnog.]

Colin Quinn: Thanks, Norm. You know, Norm, theInternational Monetary Fund is abrout to bring –about to bring its own type — [glares at Norm whowatches him sadly] What?!

Norm MacDonald: [quietly] You had a little eggnog there, huh, Col?

Colin Quinn: [annoyed] Yes, I had a little eggnog. [tries to continue] The International MonetaryFund — [abruptly, to Norm] I’m sorry I don’t live upto your standards of supposed excellence in how toact. … My — I can’t — Ya sit here like its asophisticated part of the show or something. You know?[drops cup, spills egg nog on desk]

Norm MacDonald: Ah, you seemed to have a littlespill there, huh, Col?

Colin Quinn: [while trying to put eggnog backin cup with tiny red cocktail napkin] Sorry yourprecious little Update desk, from whence the oraclewill enlighten us, while all of us — you sit up onyour desk like the anti-hero or some contentiousCanadian — Leonard Cohen as Weekend anchor orsomething.

Norm MacDonald: Leonard Cohen? I don’t evenknow who that is.

Colin Quinn: [sighs] Don’t be ridiculous, Norm.You’re a ridiculous person. [stares at Norm, one elbowon desk clutching nearly empty cup of eggnog]…

Norm MacDonald: Look, Colin, you’d better watchout. You know, if Lorne sees this, you’re in bigtrouble.

Colin Quinn: [laughs] Yeah, we don’t want toupset the boss at the office Christmas party. He mightnot give us our little movie deals like the Roxburytwins or whatever the hell they’re supposed to becalled.

Norm MacDonald: Okay! All right! That’s enough!Get him out of here, guys. Come on.

[Uniformed security guard enters wielding anightstick, grabs Colin’s hair and forces him facedown in the desk.]

Colin Quinn: [struggles, face down in eggnog]Get off me! Get him off me, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: No, well, are–?

Colin Quinn: Get him off me!

Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?

Colin Quinn: Get off me!

Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?!

Colin Quinn: Get him off me and I’ll tellyou!

Norm MacDonald: Well, you just say you’re goingto stop first.

Colin Quinn: All right, Norm, I’ll stop.

Norm MacDonald: [to the guard] All right, lethim go.

Colin Quinn: Get him off!

[Guard pulls Colin to his feet and releases him. Colinstands there with eggnog running down his face as theguard exits.]

Colin Quinn: [points an accusing a finger atNorm] You’re messed up, Norm! You’re bush league,Norm! You’re lightweight! [Colin exits.]

Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody. [Cheersand applause.]

Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurantrefused to seat him, O. J. Simpson demanded and gotfive hundred dollars in compensation. In addition, therestaurant must now offer separate “murderer” and”non-murderer” sections. … [cheers and applause]

[Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are saferdrivers? Men or women? Well, according to a newsurvey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are mostresponsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78 percentblame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that thepercentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100percent because the math was done by a woman. …[crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing atthat joke, it should be, uh, noted that that joke waswritten by a woman, so– … Now, you don’t know whatthe hell to do, do ya? … No, I’m just kidding, wedon’t hire women. Tel– … [applause]

Tel Aviv’s Hard Rock Cafe, which is sandwiched betweenthe sites of two gruesome suicide bombings, has closeddue to slumping tourism in Israel. Also contributingto the closing of the Hard Rock: the restaurant’s bestpiece of rock memorabilia is — [doctored photo offormer Secretary of State Henry Kissinger pointing toa mounted ukulele] — Henry Kissinger’s ukulele. So…

Well, a sad story from the world of entertainment thisweek. Actor Bob Bell, better known to millions as Bozothe Clown, has died at the age of seventy-five.Commenting on his passing, President Clinton said,quote, “You know, for fifty thousand dollars, he canbe buried next to JFK.” …

Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors thatactor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Franciscosocialite Denise Hale. An observer, who spotted thecouple necking in a restaurant, will have troublegetting an erection for the rest of his life. …

That’s the news folks, thanks!

[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie for thelast time: not long after, he is abruptly removed fromthe WU desk by NBC executives who apparently believed,based on ratings, that “Weekend Update with NormMacDonald” had become too sophisticated for SNL’s coreaudience and reassigned not only Norm butHarvard-educated segment producer Jim Downey. Music,cheers and well-deserved applause as we dissolve tothe WU graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

The Roxbury Guys

Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Woman…..Cheri Oteri
Dr. Udewitz…..Helen Hunt
Udewitz’s Husband…..Jack Nicholson

EXT. TIMES SQUARE — NIGHT

SUPER: Midnight – TIMES SQUARE

EXT. BUTABI CAR — NIGHT

(Steve Butabi’s driving while he and Doug are bopping their heads to “Whatis Love?” by Haddaway. They high-five one another.)

Doug & Steve: SCORE!

EXT. CHINA CLUB — NIGHT

SUPER: China Club – 12:15 A.M.

INT. CHINA CLUB

(Clubgoers dance to “What is Love?” They filter out to reveal Doug andSteve standing at the bar. They turn around, both smoking cigarettes. Bothdust their noses and at once, put the lighted ends of their cigarettesagainst each other’s chest. Both extinguish their cigarettes fast andglance at the crowd.)

Doug: Hey! You want to dance? You want to…

(Doug trots to the crowd.)

Doug: You don’t? You’re okay? Okay. Don’t worry about it.

(Doug turns back to the bar. Steve points to the crowd.)

Steve: You want to dance!? You do? You don’t? No? Don’t mention it again?Okay!

(A WOMAN strolls by Doug and Steve, who trap her between them.)

Doug: Hey!

Steve: How you doing? What’s going on?

(Doug and Steve bounce her between their chests. She struggles, then breaksfree.)

Woman: Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!

(“What is Love” dies off. The clubgoers halt.)

Woman: Every week I come to this club. And every week, the two of youthrow me back and forth like a rag doll! And I’m sick of it!! I am a humanbeing! You could at least have the courtesy to ask me if I want to dance!?Am I right people!?

Clubgoers: Yeah!!!

Woman: Thank you people. Now I don’t know what your problem is, but maybeyou to should seek some professional help. Start the music!

(“What is Love?” resumes. The woman dances off and the clubgoers filterback onto the dance floor.)

EXT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING — DAY

SUPER: The Next Day

INT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING — DAY

Door reads: DR. NANCY UDEWITZ, PSYCHOLOGIST

INT. DR. UDEWITZ’S OFFICE — DAY

(A boombox plays “What is Love?” DR. NANCY UDEWITZ analyzes Doug and Steve,who are bopping their heads. Udewitz stops “What is Love?” and Doug andSteve stop headbopping. She then hits the play button and Doug and Stevebegin bopping their heads. Dr. Udewitz’s stops the music and Doug andSteve freeze.)

Udewitz: Okay. I think I’ve figured out your problem. Due to yourexcessive clubbing, and the resulted sensory overload, and intimacydepravation, you’ve both become desensitized to the people around you,escpecially women. Now the good news is: it’s easily treatable and I’d behappy help you out. What do you say?

Steve: You want to dance?

Doug: What’s up?

Steve: Maybe later?

Doug: What’s up?

Udewitz: Right. Why don’t you turn to face each other now? You two need tostart a dialogue. Open up. Come on! Talk to each other… talk to eachother.

Doug: What’s up?

Steve: What’s up?

Doug: What going on?

Steve: What’s shaking?

Doug: Que pasa?

Steve: Como esta?

Udewitz: All right, that’s enough. I think we’re making progress.

Doug & Steve: SCORE!

(Doug and Steve high-five each other. Udewitz takes notes.)

INT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING — DAY

Door reads: DR. NANCY UDEWITZ, PSYCHOLOGIST

SUPER: One Hour Later

INT. DR. UDEWITZ’S OFFICE — DAY

(“What is Love?” playing. Doug and Steve bounce Udewitz between theirchests while dancing.)

Udewitz: Okay, okay, okay!! You need to be more sensitive to a woman morepersonal space.

(Udewitz pushes Doug and Steve away.)

Udewitz: Better. Now focus. Respect me. You have to let the woman dancewith you. Just watch.

(Udewitz slinks her body in rythem to the music. Doug and Steve wrestlewith their limbs and pounce upon Dr. Udewitz with bouncing her betweentheir chests. She breaks loose and stops “What is Love” on her boombox.)

Udewitz: Look, if you want to pick-up women in clubs, then I’ve got newsfor you: woman have no interest in this whole’ultra-cool-hey-baby-slick-back-hair-expensive-suit-wearing-dark-sunglasses-image’!

(DR. UDEWITZ’S HUSBAND enters the office.)

Husband: Hey babe! Ready to go!

Udewitz: I’m sorry sweetie. I’m still with patients.

(Mr. and Mrs. Udewitz survey Doug and Steve.)

Husband: Oh, I don’t think these boys will mind if they spared you forjust a second?

(Mr. and Mrs. Udewitz embrace and lock lips. Mr. Udewitz pulls back. “Whatis Love?” comes on. Mr. Udewitz bops his head, twirls his body and arms inthe air, skips out of the office and shuts the door. Mrs. Udewitz rubs herforehead and exhales.)

Udewitz: Thanks a lot. Now we’ve made a lot of progress today. Now do youthink you two are ready to try clubbing responsibly?

Steve: I think we’ve got it.

Doug: Yeah, we’re good.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE — NIGHT

SUPER: Times Square Later That Night

EXT. CHINA CLUB — NIGHT

INT. CHINA CLUB — NIGHT

(“What is Love?” plays. Dancing clubgoers filter out to reveal Doug andSteve, who turn around, wearing sunglasses, and downing a couple of beers.The woman returns and Doug stops here. Both men take off their sunglasses.)

Woman: Oh, no!

Doug: Excuse me, we were wondering if you’d be interested in dancing with us?

Steve: Yes. We’d appreciate it. If it wouldn’t be too much trouble?

Woman: Why, of course. Thank you both very much for asking.

Doug: You’re welcome.

Steve: The pleasure is ours.

(Doug and Steve nod to one another and begin bouncing the woman betweentheir chests.)

Woman: Okay! All rig-!

The clubgoers filter out onto the dance floor.

THE END.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Joan Rivers’ 1997 Fashion Wrap-Up

Melissa Rivers…..Cheri Oteri
Isaac Mizrahi…..Darrell Hammond
Jodie Foster…..Helen Hunt

It’s Joan Rivers’ 1997 Fashion Wrap-Up, with a skeletal Joan Riversand special guests Melissa Rivers, Isaac Mizrahi and Jodie Foster:

Melissa Rivers: 1997 is drawing to a close. Speaking of clothes, Mom, we’re going to take a look at what famous people wore this year, and whether we thought it was the good, the bad..

Joan Rivers: ..or the Cybil Shepherd! Ow! What a pig! Who’s first?

Melissa Rivers: Mom, first we have Kirstie Alley.

[ graphic of Kirstie Alley in a purple dress ]

Joan Rivers: Disgusting! She’s disgusting! Isaac?

Isaac Mizrahi: Oh, my God! It looks like Mae West meets Grimace. Take it away, take it away!

Joan Rivers: Jodie?

Jodie Foster: I don’t feel that I am in a position to judge someone else.

Joan Rivers: Everyone is in a position to judge someone else! Next!

Melissa Rivers: Okay, Mom, next up is “Melrose Place” star Lisa Rinna.. [ graphic of Lisa Rinna ] ..shown here in a half-slip gown.

Joan Rivers: Whore! She should be shot in the face!

Jodie Foster: [ appalled ] What kind of statement is that? It’s just a dress.

Joan Rivers: Isaac?

Isaac Mizrahi: She should be shot in the face, yes!
Joan Rivers: Next!

Melissa Rivers: Okay, Mom. Next, we have Janene Garofalo.. [ graphic of Janene Garofalo ] ..shown here in a pair of ski boots and a Hefty bag.

Joan Rivers: Agghh! Ow! Look at those shoes! I’d like to set her on fire and burn her until she was dead!

Jodie Foster: [ disgusted ] That’s completely inappropriate.

Isaac Mizrahi: Oh! She should be mauled by bears!

Jodie Foster: I don’t understand your reaction. I find her to be articulate and very well-informed.

Melissa Rivers: [ angry ] I want to be in a movie.

Joan Rivers: Melissa wanted to be in “The Truth About Cats & Dogs”. I got her an audition, but she didn’t get the movie.

Melissa Rivers: [ angry ] I wanted to be in “The Truth About Cats & Dogs”, Mom!

Jodie Foster: Well, that’s no reason to hate Janene Garofalo.

Isaac Mizrahi: She should be shot in the face.

Joan Rivers: [ frantic ] I ruined my life. Why did I piss off Johnny Carson? Why? Whyyyyyyyy?!!

Melissa Rivers: Well, that’s our year-end wrap-up, Mom. Thank you to all our guests. We’ll be back in January with out new show: “Who’s the Fattest Pig?”

Joan Rivers: This is Joan Rivers saying, “You can never be too fat – or too thin!” [ her skull pops off ]

[ Melissa retrieves Joan’s skull and tries to replace it as the scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

Helen Hunt’s Monologue

…..Helen Hunt
…..Jack Nicholson
…..Jim Breuer
…..Darrell Hammondv…..Tim Meadows
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Helen Hunt!

[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]

Helen Hunt: Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! This has been a really exciting week. Tonight, I’m fulfilling a lifelong, personal dream: getting to work with Hanson! In fact – in fact – few people don’t know this but I’m actually the oldest Hanson!

[ CUT TO: A manipulated photo of Helen rehearsing with Hanson. ]

Helen Hunt (V/O): Can you see it? I bet you can.

[ Back to Home Base. ]

Helen Hunt: I’m also excited because my new movie, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson, opens next week. It was so amazing working with him –

[ Jim Breuer bursts onto Home Base. ]

Jim Breuer: “Wait till they get a load of me!”

[ He places his arm around Helen. ]

Jim Breuer: “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Jim Breuer, everybody! Yes, that’s good.

[ Jim removes his arm to compose himself. ]

Jim Breuer: “You know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”

Helen Hunt: Yes, yes, that’s great! It’s a really good Nicholson impersonation –

Jim Breuer: “Wendy…”

Helen Hunt: Never heard one of those ones before…

Jim Breuer: “Give me the bat!”

Helen Hunt: Yeah, okay, but the thing was, I was –

Jim Breuer: “You didn’t let me finish!”

Helen Hunt: Jim, please, you obviously respect…

Jim Breuer: “I said, I’m not going to hurt you!”

Helen Hunt: …Jack Nicholson and so do I, that’s great, but…

Jim Breuer: “WENDY!”

Helen Hunt: …I don’t know that now’s a great time to be doing this.

Jim Breuer: “Give me the bat, Wendy!”

Helen Hunt: Okay! We get it, Jim. You can do Nicholson!

Jim Breuer: “WENDY!”

[ Darrell Hammond joins in. ]

Darrell Hammond: “Wait till they get a load of me!”

Helen Hunt: That’s great Darrell! That’s great!

Darrell Hammond: Hi, Helen!

Helen Hunt: Hi, yeah…

Darrell Hammond: “I’m just your typical, horny little devil!”

Helen Hunt: Sounded more like Christian Slater, but…

Darrell Hammond: What?

Jim Breuer: “I am not an animal! I’m a human being for crying out loud!”

Helen Hunt: What are you doing!?

Jim Breuer: It’s Jack Nicholson from “The Elephant Man.”

Helen Hunt: Nicholson was not even in that movie!

Jim Breuer: Oh, yes he was!

Helen Hunt: Okay, let’s not argue.

[ Colin Quinn joins in. ]

Colin Quinn: Helen, ask me what I had for lunch today.

Helen Hunt: No!

Colin Quinn: Come on, just ask me…

Helen Hunt: Fine. What did you have for lunch today?

[ Colin holds his hair as if it were slicked like Nicholson. ]

Colin & Helen: “I had a chicken salad sandwich!”

Helen Hunt: Yes. Somehow, I thought maybe you’d be above this. Silly me.

[ Cheri Oteri joins in. ]

Cheri Oteri: Hi, Helen! You look nice.

[ Cheri holds her bangs back. ]

Cheri Oteri: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”

Helen Hunt: Not you, too! How could this happen?

[ Tim Meadows joins in. ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Helen! Check this out…

[ Tim places his hand on his forehead. ]

Tim Meadows: “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Yeah, yeah, that’s great! Because that’s really gonna fool him!

Cast: [repeatedly] “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Okay, the thing is…

[ The spotlight shines on the host entrance as Nicholson himself emerges. The audience goes into hysterics upon seeing the Oscar-winning actor. ]

Jack Nicholson: Why don’t, why –

[ The audience continues to cheer and applause Jack. ]

Jack Nicholson: Thank you. Why don’t you leave this nice lady alone?

Helen Hunt: You know, Jack? Thank God! They’ve been assaulting me with horrible Nicholson impressions.

[ Jim brushes Helen aside. ]

Jim Breuer: Excuse me? Mr. Nicholson, how you doing?

[ Jim wags his tongue out of both cockiness and nervousness. ]

Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer here. Just wanted to know – what do you think of my impression?

[ Jack removes his trademark shades. ]

Jack Nicholson: You want to know the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

[ Jim’s jaw drops. He places his hands in his pockets and shies away from Nicholson. ]

Helen Hunt: We got a great show! Hanson is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Charlene…..Helen Hunt
Caller #1…..Will Ferrell
Caller #2…..Colin Quinn

Leon: As you all noticed, it is the holiday season, and no one should spend the holidays alone, and that is why I’d like to introduce a lady who has meant so very much to me in my life. I met her last night at my regular fine buffet house. The place we like to call Tops & Tails. Uh, she is a dancer by trade, but she only takes off the top part of her clothes, so she is one of the classier naked ladies down there, you know? So, uh, welcome to The Ladies Man, Charlene. Now, is this your first time on TV?

Charlene: Well, no. I appeared on the show “Cops” before, but this is the first time I’ve been on TV where my face has not been digitally blurred. [ She drinks Leon’s Courvoisier throughout the show ]

Leon: [ chuckling ] Alright, then! Well, that is alright. Alright, now, you go ahead and, uh, help yourself to that, uh, Cognac, if you want. But remember, that Courvoisier does not grow on vines, okay? Alright. Okay, now let’s get started. We got a caller. Go ahead, caller.

Caller #1: Yes, uh, Ladies Man. I-I have a problem. I’m having a hard time finding the right lady. I-I’ve dated a few, but none of them are hot enough. I’ve got to have a HOT lady.

Leon: [ laughing ] Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah! Uh, might I suggest that you try lowering your standards, you know? Because, really, we all would like to date a supermodel, or a fine lady, like, uh, Delta Burke. You know? But, uh, that may not always be possible, and that is why God invented the skank.

Charlene: Hi!

Leon: Okay? So, next caller?

Caller #2: Hi. Ladies Man? I’m having trouble being confident with woman, because I think I might be a little.. physically.. you know, inadequate.

Leon: Inadequate, yeah.. Now, what is that?

Caller #2: Inferior. You know. I’m concerned about the size of my penis.

Leon: Oh-h-h, okay, yeah, now that’s alright, don’t worry. The Ladies Man is here to help you. Now, um, medically speaking, just how dinky is your wang?

Caller #2: That’s not very medical.. Uh, two-and-a-half to three inches.

Leon: Oh, yeah, that is small. Yeah, uh, you know, I was not expecting you to say anything under ten or eleven inches.

Charlene: It’s like a little kid’s weiner you got there!

Leon: [ laughing ] Uh, she is right, Sir. But, um, maybe, uh, this will help your plight, Sir. Uh, I have heard that the size does not matter to most women. Isn’t that right, Charlene?

Charlene: NO!

Leon: Well, I guess I was wrong, so I guess you can never really ever pleasure a woman, Caller. And I’m sorry for that, but, uh, here’s to you and your dinky wang, dinky wang man! [ Caller #2 hangs up abruptly ] Alright, then, thank you for calling, Caller. I’m glad that we could help. [ Charlene pulls a bottle of Nyquil out of her purse and pours it into her glass of Courvoisier. Leon examines the empty bottle. ] Uh, say, Charlene, did you drink all this Courvoisier?

Charlene: [ gasping ] No! Yes! Yes, I did.

Leon: Mmm. Okay, then.. well, I guess that means that we are out of time here on the Ladies Man. Which makes me kind of curious – um, Charlene, what are your plans for the evening?

Charlene: You said you were going to take me to dinner and a movie tonight, Leon.

Leon: Oh yeah.. well, um.. when I said “dinner”, what I meant was, uh, we’d be having sex. And, uh, when I said “movie”, I meant we’d be videotaping it.

Charlene: Sounds good to me!

Leon: Alright, then! Well, then, Leon Phellps is all set. I hope that this holiday season, uh, you are as fine and set up as me [ he rubs on Charlene ], Leon Phellps, the Ladies Man!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

Torturing Hanson

Man in black…..Will Ferrell
Woman in black…..Helen Hunt
Record Executive…..Darrell Hammond
…..Taylor Hanson
…..Isaac Hanson
…..Zac Hanson

[Opens with a shot of a building. Cut to a lobby in front of an elevator. Teen pop group Hanson are talking with a record executive. Isaac shakes hands with him.]

Isaac Hanson: Hey, nice meeting you, man.

Record Executive: Absolutely. You kids are fantastic! Give some thought to the double-album. We can make a mint, kids! “Mmmbop”! I love that tune![leaves]

Taylor Hanson: Yeah, thanks.

Zac Hanson: Yeah, take it easy.

[The trio get on the elevator, door closes and a man and woman dressed in black spring into action]

Both: NOW!!

[The man in black stops the elevator. Alarm rings. The woman in black pulls out a machine gun]

Woman in Black: Do not move!!! I swear to God!! Do not make me use this!!

Man in Black: Ok, we have stoppage and go verification.

Woman in Black: Are you the pop group known as Hanson?

Taylor Hanson: Look lady, we don’t want any—

Woman in Black: ANSWER ME!!![points machine gun]

[alarm stops]

Taylor Hanson: Yeah.

Woman in Black: Did you write the song “Mmmbop”?

Isaac Hanson: Yeah?

Taylor Hanson: Yeah, we did.

Woman in Black: Are you aware that during the spring and summer of 1997 your song “Mmmbop” was played over 7.8 million times worldwide?

Isaac Hanson: Yeah, it was a big hit for us….

Both in Black: SHUT UP!!!

[Man in black pulls out a radio]

Woman in Black: Now you will suffer like we did.

Isaac Taylor: Look, we’re just trying to make fun-catchy music…

Woman in Black: No, no, no! Don’t try to pull that “we’re just trying to make people happy crap”!!

Man in Black: Put on your earplugs. [Both in black put on earplugs] You will now listen to the song for as long as it takes for you to feel the pain that we felt this past summer.

Taylor Hanson: We play the song. It doesn’t bother us.

Woman in Black: Just listen!

[“Mmmbop” plays. “Mmmbop, badubidap unbop, budia badumbop, budiambadump, hey, hey, Mmmmbop….]

[Caption: One hour later]

Taylor Hanson: I’m telling you, we like the song. This is ridiculous…

[Song continues and Isaac freaks out]

Isaac Hanson: AAAAAHH!!! STOP IT!!! ITS BANGING MY HEAD!!! OH GOD!!! [Taylor grabs his brother] Get your hands off me! You made me play the song and now I’m having nightmares!

[Song continues]

[Caption: 3 hours later]

[Isaac is catatonic]

Taylor Hanson: We’ve got to get him to a hospital.

Man in Black: We can’t hear you.

Isaac Hanson: Don’t worry, we’ll….

[Zac freaks out]

Zac Hanson: OOOOHH, GOD!!! IT HURTS!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT!!!

[“Mmmbop” continues]

[Caption: 10 hours later. Zac And Isaac are in a catatonic state]

Woman in Black: It’s not affecting the middle one.

[Taylor is cool]

Man in Black:[pulls out earplugs] What?

Woman in Black: He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.

[Song continues]

Man in Black: God! I don’t know how! Its horrifying!!

Taylor Hanson: Give it a chance. Its kind of have a cool groove.

Man in Black: Hey, it kind of does!

Woman in Black: Bobby, don’t let them get to you!

Man in Black: [dances to “Mmmbop”] Hey, hey, Mmmbop, yeah! Its just fun!

Woman in Black: Damn you! Your wicked melody has claimed him!

[Elevator door opens and the Hanson trio run out. The Man in black keeps singing “Mmmbop” and the woman looks at him with sadness while slowly pointing the machine gun at him.]

Woman in Black: That’s right, Bobby. “Mmmbop”. Just “Mmmbop”. That’s right. Just “Mmmbop”

[Elevator door closes.]

[BANG!]

[Elevator door opens, blood is sprayed on the wall, Bobby is shot in the head. The woman in black cradles his dead body and weeps. Record Executive gets inside elevator. “Mmmbop” continues playing.]

Record Executive: “Mmmbop”! I love this tune!

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

Goodnights

…..Helen Hunt
…..Jack Nicholson

[ EXT. 30 ROCKEFELLER CENTER – ICE RINK – NIGHT ]

[ Helen, Jack and the “SNL” Cast, along with various crew members, are huddled together. Everybody’s in some winter outerwear. ]

Helen Hunt: Thank you to Jack Nicholson!!!

[ Everybody cheers. ]

Jack Nicholson: Thank you!

Helen Hunt: And thank you to Hanson!

[ Back to Home Base where Hanson is waving goodnight. ]

Helen Hunt: Thank you to all the ball players, this brilliant cast, to the writers and Lorne — Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy New Years! Merry Christmas!

Jack Nicholson: Feliz Navidad!

[ Helen, Jack, and everybody else wave goodnight. Shortly after, they all start ice skating. Helen & Jack skate together as the view alternates from RINK CAMERA to CRANE SHOT. At the former, four crew members cheer as the camera FOCUSES on them. Ana & Chris try to twirl together which ends in both of them falling. Helen & Jack come back into RINK CAMERA VIEW and display the thrill and wonder of skating. ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts