Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

A Message From the President of NBC Entertainment

Jeff Zucker…..Jimmy Fallon

[ display animated NBC logo ]

Announcer: and now, a message from the President of NBC Entertainment – Jeff Zucker.

[ dissolve to Jeff Zucker at desk, who waves his arms frantically throughout the sketch ]

Jeff Zucker: Good evening, America. I’m NBC Entertainement President, Jeff Zucker. When I heard that Rev. Al Sharpton was available to host “Saturday Night Live”, I was very excited. He’s a charismatic figure, and a New York institution. And I knew his hosting tonight’s show would get millions of African-Americans to tune into NBC for the first time. But it was only after I gave Lorne Michaels the go-ahead for Al Sharpton, that I found out about the Equal-Time laws that applied in presidential campaigns. You see, for every minute that Rev. Sharpton appears on the show tonight, we’re obliged to give each of the other eight candidates an equal amount of time on NBC. But we’ve made a negative into a positive, and done what we do best here at NBC – tuen lemons into television programming!

You’ll be blown away by this week’s “Law & Order: Special Victim’s Unit: When a convicted sex offender escapes from prison, and heads to Manhatten, to look up his former victim, Detective Benson finds herself held hostage by a sadistic monster – played by special guest, Sen. John Kerry!

[ promo photo is displayed ]

Then, gather the whole family ’round the TV, for the Joe Lieberman special: “Hanukkah in Connecticut”!

[ promo photo is displayed ]

Only on NBC, Wednesday, December 17th, at 1:45 a.m.

Uh-oh, everybody! Whoopi’s cousin from Chicago is in town, and – oh, snap! – she is a handful! Look for Ambassador Carol Moseley Braun, on three consecutive sets of “Whoopi”!

[ promo photo is displayed ]

And, talk about surprise twist – who will Melana pick, when Congressman Dennis Kucinich becomes a surprise contestant on the season finale of “Average Joe”?

[ promo photo is displayed ]

Retired Gen. Wesley Clark says he’s the best choice to lead our military. But, will that still be true when Carson and Kyle are done with him?

[ promo photo of “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy” is displayed ]

Who knows? Who.. knows?

[ promo photo is displayed ]

And, look what’s coming in daytime – make contact with your loved ones on: “Crossing Over”, with John Edward and John Edwards!

[ “Friends” theme pots up ]

Does that sound familiar to you? I can’t go into too much detail here, but all of America will be tuning in to see this Spring, if Rachel ends up with Ross, or.. Congressman Dick Gephardt!

[ promo photo is displayed ]

Hey, America! Would you eat a camel rectum? Well, Howard Dean will! This monday, on “Fear Factor”! At 8 p.m., 7 Central.

[ promo photo is displayed ]

It’s all part of NBC’s Equal-Time TV. Each and every Democratic candidate will get their legally-protected chance to say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Three Wise Men

Melchior…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Balthazar…..Tracy Morgan
Gaspar…..Kenan Thompson
Cop…..Jimmy Fallon
Angel…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: “..And a star appeared in the East, over Bethlehem. Three Wise Men traveled on camel for many days, always following the bright star.”

[ dissolve to the Three Wise Men traveling through the desert on the dark night ]

Melchior: The star shines bright in the East.

Gaspar: It appears to be in the town of Bethlehen – near that stable. That must be where the King is to be born.

Melchior: Our long trip from the Orient is nearing an end.

Balthazar: Though we are three Wise men, the one we seek is even wiser than us. [ looks offscreen ] Uh-oh.

Melchior: What’s wrong.

Balthazar: It’s the cops! Whatever you do, don’t turn around!

[ sirens sound, as the other Wise Men turn to look ]

Cop: Pull over!

Balthazar: I told you guys not to look!

Melchior: We weren’t doing anything wrong!

Balthazar: Just be cool, I’ll handle it!

[ Cop pulls up on camel ]

Cop: Alright, hey. How you guys doing tonight? [ shines a torch into their eyes like a flashlight ]

Balthazar: We’re just fine, Officer.

Cop: Yeah, huh? Just fine, right? It seems a little late to be riding around, where you guys going?

Balthazar: [ defensive ] We’re just going up there!

Cop: Oh, yeah? What’s up there?

Melchior: Bethlehem! Why did you pull us over?

Cop: I-I noticed your right saddlebag is.. busted..

Melchior: No, it’s not!

Cop: Yeah, uh.. my mistake. So, anyway – why you going to Bethlehem?

Balthazar: We were sent to meet someone!

Cop: Meet someone, yeah, right! What’s his name?

Balthazar: [ defensive ] I don’t know his name!

Cop: You don’t know your friend’s name? Okay, I’m going to need to see some ID. Come on. Hand them over..

[ the Three Wise Men hand over their IDs in scrolls ]

Cop: [ unfolding a scroll and glancing at it ] Balthazar? It doesn’t even look like you at all.

Balthazar: It’s a old engraving! Before I had my beard!

Cop: Sure, it is. [ opens next scroll to check ] Melchior. You ever been arrested?

Melchior: No, I haven’t! You just pulled us over because we’re black! We’re not doing anything illegal! We’re just following the bright star in the East!

Cop: Following a bright star in the East? [ sniffs the air ] You guys been smoking reefer?

Balthazar: No, sir!

Cop: Well, what’s that smell, then?

Melchior: Frankincinse.

Cop: Really? You seem pretty jumpy, for guys who aren’t doing anything wrong. Why is that.. [ reads final scroll ] ..Gaspar?

Gaspar: [ not paying attention ] Huh?! We’re just tired! Uh – by the way – I just met these guys!

Cop: Sure, you did. What you got in the bags?

Balthazar: ..It’s just some stuff!

Cop: You mind if I take a look?

Melchior: We weren’t doing anything wrong!

Cop: Then, you won’t mind if I take a look, then.

Balthazar: All I got is some frankincinse!

Cop: [ to Melchior ] How about you, Chief?

Melchior: Some gold!

Cop: What’s in your sack there, Gaspar?

Gaspar: Just some myrrh..

Cop: Oh, myyrh. Hunkie! Is that kind of.. designer drug, or something?

Gaspar: No, sir.. it’s just some incense!

Cop: Alright.. let me get this straight, okay? You guys are driving around in the middle of the night, following a star, with gold and two bags of incense, to go see your friend, whose name you forgot! Is that pretty much it?

Balthazar: Yeah..

Cop: I’m going to need you to step down off the camel. Come on! Get up!

Gaspar: [ whining ] I don’t want to go to jail..!

Melchior: We’re not! Officer, this is some big misunderstanding! You see.. we’re Three Wise Men!

Cop: More like three wise guys. Now, step down, and keep those hands where I can see them, okay? Come on! Get down!

[ Angel appears hovering above the Three Wise Men ]

Angel: Fear not. I can explain all.

Cop: Balthazar, is this the friend you were planning on meeting?

Balthazar: I never seen this guy in my life!

Cop: You guys stay put for a second. [ shines his torch at the Angel ] What’s your story, buddy?

Angel: I am an angel, sent from Heaven!

Cop: Sure, you are. Look, uhhh.. it looks like you’ve been busy tonight – what’s that all over your robe?

Angel: [ hesitant ] Uh.. I don’t want to say, because it’ll sound bad.

Cop: Come on, what is it!

Angel: It’s, uh.. angel dust.

Cop: Okay, Mr. Angel! I’m gonna need you to put your hands on top your head, okay?

Melchior: He’s telling the truth! He’s an angel sent from Heaven!

Cop: Save it, Ace, okay? I’m arresting all four of you, alright? Come on!

Melchior: [ to the others ] Let’s get out of here!

[ Three Wise Men and the Angel scamper off quickly ]

Cop: Hey! Hey! Come back here! Stop, in the name of Herod! Stop!!

Announcer: The Three Kings are still at large. If you, or anyone you know, has seen them, please call us at: [ spelled in Roman numerals ] VVV-IIXI.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Paris Hilton

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

According to The New York Times, Michael Jackson’s financial advisors have told him that, to avoid bankruptcy, he must limit his spending to $1 million a month. Upon hearing this, Michael dropped the boy he was molesting, and said, “Are you kidding me?”

Jimmy Fallon: President Bush is working on a new American plan to travel back to the moon. This, after officials talked him out of his original plan to go Back to the Future.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced on Wednesday that she and her boyfriend Chris Martin from Coldplay are expecting a baby. Also, Jessica Simpson announced that she and her husband, Nick Lachey, have been putting it in the wrong place all the time.

Tina Fey: Shuan-Shuan, a female giant panda, was flown to Japan this week, in hopes that she will mate with Ling-Ling, the male panda at the Tokyo Zoo. Biologists are optimistic, because it’s well-known that Shuan-Shuan is a slut. The mating of Ling-Ling and Shuan-Shuan was brokered by their friend, Pimp-Pimp.

Jimmy Fallon: Sen. Hillary Clinton is criticizing President Bush, saying that his plan to reduce the number of troops in Iraq is simply a PR move, designed to boost his 2004 re-election bid. However, the President denied this, saying, “That’s what my crazy moon plan is for!”

Ground was broken in Fredericksburg, Virginia this week, for the National Slavery Museum. For the punchline of this joke, tune in next week when we have a different host.

Tina Fey: Well, because our host, Rev. Al Sharpton, is an active presidential candidate, a number of NBC affiliates around the country are refusing to air tonight’s show, for fear that other candidates will demand equal time. Since our how isn’t being seen in these cities, we can finally say whatever we want about.. Des Moines, Iowa —

Jimmy Fallon: Snoozeville, U.S.A.!

Tina Fey: — Sacramento, California —

Jimmy Fallon: More like, Suck-romento!

Tina Fey: — Portland, Maine —

Jimmy Fallon: The fart capitol of the world!

Tina Fey: — Memphis and Nashville, Tennessee —

Jimmy Fallon: Y’all come back, now – ya’ queers!

Tina Fey: — Oklahoma —

Jimmy Fallon: Never heard of it.

Tina Fey: — Boston —

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. they..

Together: ..just hate black people.

Tina Fey: — and, finally – Rochester, Minnesota.

Jimmy Fallon: Nerds!

Tina Fey: You guys are —

Together: NERDS!!!

Don Pardo V/O: You’ve been watching “Jimmy & Tina Yelling At Cities That Refuse To Show Saturday Night Live Tonight.” This is Don Pardo saying, “Suck it, Des Moines!”

Tina Fey: It was reported that Justin Guirini has been dropped by his record label – RCA – for poor sales of his debut CD. And, apparently, the news has really been taking its toll on him.

Jimmy Fallon: Len Wagner, a Pennsylvania man, cashed in over a million pennies, after four decades of collecting. Wow. A million pennies. Can you imagine how much money that must be?

Tina Fey: Yes. $10,000 —

Jimmy Fallon: That’s like, $40 million.

Tina Fey: You’re an idiot!

Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] Yeahhhh..

Tina Fey: On Wednesday, Thailand opened its first monkey hospital. It did not go well.
[ show picture of monkeys dressed as surgeons and handling an operation ]

While appearing on “Larry King Live” Monday, Linda Tripp revealed that she is marrying her childhood sweetheart, who gave her her first kiss at age 14. Luckily for Tripp, in all their years apart, there was never a cure for blindness.

The ceremony ended with the words: “I now pronounce you Man and.. that.”

Jimmy Fallon: Rolling Stone Mick Jagger is asking the Queen of England not to release pictures of him being knighted later this month, because he’s afraid of upsetting bandmate Keith Richards. Yeah, Mick, I know the feeling. I tried to keep it quiet from Bitchy McJealous over here, when I was made a Jedi!

Tina Fey: Well, Paris Hilton is a name that’s on everyone’s lips these past few weeks. Here now, in an exclusive interview with Jimmy Fallon, is Paris Hilton.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for coming on.

Paris Hilton: It’s nice to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Uh, as we agreed, we won’t be discussing the scandal, uh.. that’s been in the papers the past couple of weeks, alright?

Paris Hilton: Thank you, Jimmy. I appreciate that.

Jimmy Fallon: We just want to find out about you – Paris Hilton. Okay. So, your family – I don’t know if a lot of people know it – the Hiltons – they own hotels all over the world, right?

Paris Hilton: Yes, they’re in New York, London, Paris..

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, wait – so there actually is a Paris Hilton?

Paris Hilton: Yes, there is.

Jimmy Fallon: [ his set-up secure, begins the “real” interview ] Is it hard to get into the Paris Hilton?

Paris Hilton: Actually, it’s a very exclusive hotel – no matter what you’ve heard.

Jimmy Fallon: Uh, I-I-I hear the Paris Hilton is very beautiful.

Paris Hilton: I’m glad that you’ve heard that.

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. do they allow double-occupancy at the Paris Hilton?

Paris Hilton: No.

Jimmy Fallon: Is the Paris Hilton roomy?

Paris Hilton: It might be for you.. but.. most people find it very comfortable.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, I-I-I-I’m a VIP, alright? I might need to go in the back entrance.

Paris Hilton: It doesn’t matter who you are – it’s not going to happen.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, now, uh.. I throw a lot of events. Uh, do they have a ballroom there?

Paris Hilton: We do.

Jimmy Fallon: Great! I’d love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton. It sounds awesome! I’d actually like to, uh.. I’d like to check in to the Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton: I don’t think you can.

Jimmy Fallon: Really? Because.. really.. I’d only be able to stay there, like, a minute – minute and a half, or something.. two minutes, tops. I mean —

Paris Hilton: Good luck.

Jimmy Fallon: Paris Hilton, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi

…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Dancers…..Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Will Forte, Kenan Thompson
Harvey Fierstein…..Horatio Sanz

[ Fade in on videotaped footage of fish being caught with a net and pulled onto a boat. Dissolve into shot of Rev. Al Sharpton, dressed as a pirate, looking into a telescope]

Rev. Al Sharpton: [à la a pirate] Ahoy, mateys! The seas look right as rain! [drops the pirate act and addresses the audience]: Hi, I’m the Reverend Al Sharpton. Everyone knows I love fish: fried catfish sandwiches, grilled shrimp salad, salmon stir fry. Yum, I love me some fish – cooked fish, that is! But some goofy son-of-a beestings like to eat that stuff raw. Yes, raw. People paying top dollar for food that ain’t cooked. That’s why I opened up Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi.

[Four dancers, two women with geisha girl hairstyles and two men with katanas (samurai swords), dressed in plain blue bathrobes come out, bobbing back and forth to the music and half-heartedly singing a parody of “California” by Tupac Shakur]

Dancers: [singing]
“Al Sharpton’s Casa De SushiAl Sharpton’s Casa De SushiIn the cityOf SeacaucusWe don’t like it (We don’t like it)But we’ll serve it to yaAnd charge ya money.”

[The Dancers leave]

Rev. Al Sharpton: That’s right! [an off-screen stagehand to the left gives Sharpton a platter of sushi rolls and Sharpton gives his telescope to him]: I don’t like this stuff! [throws sushi rolls in a wastebasket held by an off-screen stagehand to the right, then hands the platter back to the offscreen stagehand to the left] This stuff is nasty! But if you’re a weirdo, by all means, come to my place: Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi.

[cut to Al Sharpton’s face in a circular inset on the lower left side of the screen superimposed next to a plate of octopus]

Female V/O: Octopus.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Gross!

[cut to another plate, this time with squid on it]

Female V/O: Squid.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Yuck!

[cut to a final plate, this time with two eels on it]

Female V/O: Eel.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Heck, no! [cut back to full shot of Al Sharpton at the sushi restaurant] But that’s just my opinion. People ask me, “Al, why open a sushi restaurant?” Well, presidential campaigns don’t finance themselves, people.

[The Dancers return to “dance” and sing another verse]

Dancers: [singing]”Al Sharpton’sCasa De SushiIf you like sushiYou should come here.”

[The dancers leave]

Rev. Al Sharpton: You don’t believe me, then listen to this lady from Broadway, Harvey Fierstein.

[enter Harvey Fierstein]

Harvey Fierstein: [in a gravelly voice] Hello, I’m Harvey Fierstein. I play a fat lady in the Broadway musical “Hairspray”. Eat your heart out, Nell Carter!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [calmly] Be cool. Nell Carter’s dead.

Harvey Fierstein: [in disbelief] What?! Nell Carter died! That’s not funny! She’s a good friend of mine!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Well, I’m afraid she’s dead.

Harvey Fierstein: [wailing] Oh, Nell! Nell Carter died! [Sanz pulls a Chris Farley by passing out on a restaurant table and breaking it]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Harvey Frankenstein, you dummy! You just—you better pay for my table. Okay, let’s just sing the song and get on out of here.

[The Dancers return for their finale]

Dancers: [singing]”Al Sharpton’s Casa De SushiIn the cityOf SeacaucusWe don’t like it (We don’t like it)But we will serve itAnd charge you money.”

Rev. Al Sharpton: What they said.

[cut to title screen with the words “Reverend Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi. Rt. 14 In Seascaucus, N.J.” over four shots of the Japanese dishes that were shown earlier in the sketch]

Announcer V/O: The Reverend Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi. Route 14 in Seacaucus, New Jersey. We don’t like sushi, but we will serve it and charge you money.

[fade out]

Submitted by: Candy Young

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Al Sharpton’s Monologue

…..Al Sharpton
Old Version of Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan

Al Sharpton: Thank you! Thank you very much! What a pleasure it is to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. For me, it’s a wonderful opportunity – to reach out, to a broader audience. Maybe tonight, people can finally get to know.. the real Al Sharpton! President Al Sharpton! I know many of you out there think you know me! But what you are probably thinking about is the old, more flamboyant Al Sharpton. Mind you, I’m not apologizing for any of my past, but.. I think we’ve all done some things we’d like to forget. We’re just lucky our past can’t come to life, and haunt us now.

[ Old Version of Al Sharpton steps onto the stage ]

Old Version of Al Sharpton: I heard that!

Al Sharpton: Who.. are you.. supposed to be?

Old Version of Al Sharpton: I’m you, fool! The old Al Sharpton! Don’t I look good!

Al Sharpton: [ incensed ] I never looked that bad!

Old Version of Al Sharpton: Uh-uh! Think again!

Al Sharpton: Okay, you got me. That’s the way I used to dress – in the 70’s!

Old Version of Al Sharpton: What are you talking about?! You wore this suit five years ago! This is a 100% velour track suit by.. uh, hold on.. [ checks the tag on the back of the suit ] ..Lord Crumbley Brothers! You talked to Yassar Arafat in this suit!

Al Sharpton: I did not!

Old Version of Al Sharpton: Well, you should have! There would be peace in the Middle East, if you had just flashed your bling-bling!

Al Sharpton: Man, I’m trying to be president! I can’t walk around looking like that! I have to look a little more dignified!

Old Version of Al Sharpton: Look ‘atcha! Up here, on this racist television show! All dressed up like Pat Boone.. trying to appeal to people in Iowa! You used to be the touring manager for James Brown, the Godfather of Soul!

Al Sharpton: Hold on! Just because I don’t wear flashy suits and gold medallions, it doesn’t mean I still can’t get down!

Old Version of Al Sharpton: You an old man!

Al Sharpton: Not too old to do this! [ to the band ] Hit it!

[ singing ]
“I feel good!
I knew that I would!
I feel good!
I knew that I would!

Hey!

So good!
So good!
I got you!“

Woww!!

Together: [ singing ]
“I feel nice!
Like sugar and spice!
I feel nice!
Like sugar and spice!

So nice!
So nice!I got you!

Al Sharpton: Hey!

We got a great show! Tracy Morgan is here! Pink is here! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster

Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Lawyer…..Chris Parnell
Johnnie Cochran…..Al Sharpton
Elizabeth Taylor…..Rachel Dratch
Stranger…..Horatio Sanz

[open on cartoon graphic of Michael Jackson in a blue roller coaster car with yellow lettering: “Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster”]

Narrator: And now, back to “Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster”

[dissolve to Michael Jackson in a roller coaster car with Johnnie Cochran, Elizabeth Taylor, and others]

Michael Jackson: Wheeeee! Wooooo! Hold on, everybody! Here we go! I love roller coasters! Look, we can touch the clouds! Hello bird! [waves] Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo bird! I wanna buy you! Here we go! Get ready everybody! Put your hands up! [raises his hands]

Lawyer: Michael, we have some very serious things to talk about. As you lawyer, I think we should go over these allegations–

Michael Jackson: Put your hands up! Get your hands up! [raises his hands]

Lawyer: I think I speak for all of us when I say, Johnnie Cochran, welcome to the team.

Johnnie Cochran: Thank you, thank you.

Michael Jackson: Johnnie’s my friend. Liz Taylor is my friend, too!

Elizabeth Taylor: Oh, Michael, just listen to these people for once! You’re in great, great danger!

Johnnie Cochran: Michael, we all love roller coasters, but I think surely you must be aware of the impending legal ramifications–

Michael Jackson: Get your hands up everybody! Here we go!

[everybody raises their hands]

Michael Jackson: [shouts gleefully] That was fun! Again-again-again-again-again!

Lawyer: They have you on tape trying to leave the country! Your bail was three million dollars and you are running out of money, Michael.

Michael Jackson: Yeah. We need to buy more money.

Johnnie Cochran: That’s impossible, Michael.

Michael Jackson: No! Nothing’s impossible at the Neverland Ranch, Johnnie Cochran. I’ll buy you a million-dollar watch!

Johnnie Cochran: I’ll take that watch, but as your legal council I would advise you to resist buying watches for other people.

Lawyer: Your financial situation is bad, Michael.

Elizabeth Taylor: Michael, I beg you, listen to these people. You need help. I can’t take it anymore. Oh, Michael! [sobs]

[sad music plays]

Michael Jackson: Oh, I’m sorry, Liz Taylor! I’m sorry, lawyers! [points to man behind him] I’m sorry, stranger! I really made a mess of everything. Nobody likes me. I’m sorry, the man who makes the snow-cones! I’m sorry! I’m not mean. I wanna make things right. Please don’t cry, Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor: [sobbing] Michael!

[music stops]

Michael Jackson: Here we go, everybody! Put your hands up!

[everybody raises their hands]

Lawyer: Michael, you could go to jail!

Michael Jackson: I’m gonna get my baby, Blanket! He loves roller coasters! [lifts baby from below as “Daisy, Daisy” beings to play] Hey, Blanket, get ready! [throws baby into the air and shouts gleefully, accompanies by a playful musical flourish on the soundtrack] Bye, Blanket! I’ll see you when we come back around! Get your hands up, Johnnie, everybody, get your hands up! [everybody raises their hands] Again-again-again-again-again!

Johnnie Cochran: Michael, maybe we should get off this roller coaster and rehearse what we’re going to say to the press. They’re gonna ask some tough questions!

[music changes]

Lawyer: Like, did you share your bed with the boy?

Michael Jackson: Huh?

Johnnie Cochran: Did you engage in any inappropriate behavior?

Michael Jackson: What?

Lawyer: Did you buy the boy expensive presents?

Michael Jackson: Huh?

[music stops]

Elizabeth Taylor: Did you buy the boy my fragrance, White Diamonds?

Michael Jackson: Oh, look, here comes Blanket! [twinkly music plays as Blanket falls back into his arms] Oh, Blanket, I love you so much! I wish I knew how you were made! Okay, everybody, let’s get ready! Here we go, get your hands up, get–whooooo! [everybody raises their hands]

Lawyer: Michael, stop this roller coaster right this instant! You could spend the rest of your life in jail!

[darker music plays]

Michael Jackson: You’re right, lawyer. This is serious. I got an idea! [playful music plays] I’m gonna call Quincy. I’ll buy a new ear. I’ll turn into a werewolf. Then I’ll take my sleeping pills and sleep until this all goes away.

Elizabeth Taylor: Michael, you’ve done it again! You’re a genius!

Lawyer: Council, what’s our strategy?

Johnnie Cochran: Well, I think it’s important to shield Michael as much as we can from the details. Also, I think it’s important that I get that million-dollar watch. If you know what I mean.

Lawyer: I know exactly what you mean. Hands up!

[everybody raises their hands]

Michael Jackson: Everybody, get your hands up! Here we go! I love roller coasters!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Stereotypes

Ivy…..Maya Rudolph
Reggie…..Kenan Thompson
Actor #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Actor #2…..Tracy Morgan
George…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Director…..Jimmy Fallon
Assistant…..Horatio Sanz

Ivy: [ singing ]
“Last night, I had a dream about the past
The saddest thing is that old dream won’t last.
I miss my home in Mississippi
Sitting on my Mammy’s knee.”

Backup Singers: “Myyyy Mammyyyy’s kneeeee..”

Ivy: [ singing ]
“I miss her home cookin’
And all the things she meant to me.”

Reggie: I miss all the things of summer! All the things my Mammy would do for me!

Actor #1: Like the time we whiled away after the work was done!

Actor #2: And the songs we sat around and sang!

George: But I truly miss the simple things:

Reggie: Fried chicken!

Actor #1: Watermelon!

Actor #2: I miss being shiftless and lazy!

George: [confused with his lines] “I miss shooting dice at a whorehouse on payday..”?

Director’s Voice: Cut and print! Cut and print!

[ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]

George: Say.. did that seem a little —

Reggie: Stale? I agree. I had that same line in a movie last year.

Director: Well.. we don’t write ’em, we just shoot ’em. Okay, let’s move on!

Assistant: Movin’ on, everybody!

Director: Is that okay with you, Ivy?

[ cut to a crew of white male actors are around Ivy, laughing, while Ivy is smoking a cigarette from a cigarette holder ]

Ivy: [ in an Edith Bunker-esque voice ] Whatever you say, Mike!

[ the black actors turn their attention to Ivy ]

Director: [ snapping at the other actors ] Hey! Don’t look at her, fellas! She’s the star of this picture, okay?! [ to his Assistant ] Tell ’em to dim the lights!

Assistant: Dim the lights!

Director: Okay, roll camera! Mark it! Mark it!

Assistant: Scene 11.. Scene 2! [ marks scene, exits ]

Director: Okay, everybody! This is the part where you’re big heroes, okay? Now, uh, you’re gonna rescue, uh, Ivy from Dr. Abercrombie’s mansion, okay? And.. action! [ exits ]

[ black-and-white film production resumes ]

George: Listen, here’s the plan: we’re gonna have to sneak out the back of the theater, and through the graveyard to rescue Ivy.

Actor #2: [ shaking ferociously, scared ] Oh, I ain’t sneakin’ through no graveyard! Nooooooooo way! Those bones be dancin’! That’ll be the end of the finish fo’ me!

[George, disgusted with Actor #2’s line, walks away]

[ Reggie and Actor #1, holding candles and shaking, step backwards not knowing they’re about to bump into one another ]

Reggie: Who there?!

Actor #1: Me there!

Reggie: Who that say “Me there”?!

Actor #1: Me say “Me there!”

Reggie: Who say “Me say ‘Me there'”?!

Actor #1: I say “Me say ‘Me there!'”

[George appears between Actor #1 and Reggie]

Reggie: Why, I don’t know what I’m gonna do about it, but my feets sure know what they gonna do about it! Feets! Do your stuff!

[ they start running in place, George has had enough of their performance]

George: [ fed up with the act ] Alright! That’s it! That’s it!

Director’s Voice: Cut! Cut! That was fantastic! Cut!

[ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]

George: [appalled by the performance from Reggie and Actor #1] Do you know anybody who speaks like that, Reggie?!

Reggie: [ meekly ] Uh.. no. not really..

George: And the rest of this stuff is stereotypes! We shouldn’t be perpetrating these stereotypes! It’s 1935!

Actor #1: Well, I need this job. I have 36 children to feed.

George: Well, that’s another stereotype! But, we’ll deal with that later! We cannot do this script as written!

Director: Uh, maybe you’re right, George. Take five while we figure this out, okay? [ to Assistant ] Tell ’em to take five!

Assistant: Take five, everybody! [Assistant and Director leave]

George: We should just quit right now!

Actor #2: Quit?! They told me that, if I did good in this movie, they’d have a part for me shining Clark Gable’s shoes!

George: In which movie?

Actor #2: No movie! He just leaves his shoes outside his trailer!

George: Guys, just forget it!

[ Ivy brings herself closer to the guys ]

Ivy: Guys, maybe George has a point!

[ the guys are all excited ]

Guys: Ivy!!

Ivy: We’ve taken this kind of treatment for too long! The only way we’re ever going to be treated as equals, is if we stand together and say, “No more!”

George: Ivy’s right! Who’s with me?!

Reggie: Well.. I am!

Actor #1: And I am.

Actor #2: And I am!

Ivy: And.. I am!

George: [ putting his foot down ] No women.

[ Sharpton and the cast members end the scene to address the audience directly ]

Rev. Al Sharpton: We all had a little fun, with this jokey little skit – but, you know what? There’s still a lot of work to do to end racism!

Maya Rudolph: And sexism.

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ dismissively ] Okay, we getcha. [ to the audience ] But I wish you would think about what you’ve just seen. Not just the watermelon or the fried chicken part —

Tracy Morgan: — And how all blacks only smoke Newports, eat barbecued potato chips, and drink grape Kool-Aid.

Al Sharpton: We never mentioned that.

Tracy Morgan: Oh, I’m sorry.

Al Sharpton: Luckily, we’ve come a long way since those old, bad days. Meanwhile — [a stagehand hands Sharpton a tribal mask and a spear while another stagehand wheels out a cauldron with Will Forte, dressed as a British game hunter, inside of it] — wait ’til you see this next sketch.

Tracy Morgan: [ excited ] It’s hi-lar-i-ous! [ laughs uproariously while Sharpton looks at the props in horror]

[ scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Goodnights

…..Rev. Al Sharpton

Rev. Al Sharpton: Thanks to Pink.. Tracy Morgan.. Paris Hilton! I want to especially thank Rev. Lorne Michaels, who brings us together every Saturday night. He makes us learn how to laugh at ourselves, so we can take you more seriously! I hope, tonight, America laughed together. Maybe then, we can learn how to live together. Good night, God bless!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Ryan Rellow…..Al Sharpton
Ricky Ashton…..Chris Parnell
Sarah Bellow…..Tina Fey

[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]

Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

[dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]

Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…

[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]

Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, I have a very special guest. Co-hosting the show tonight is a man who is like a brother to me. Say hello to my brother, Ryan Fellow. Welcome, Ryan Fellow.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow! Today, we are going to meet some animals that are friendly and some that are frightful. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Ryan: Me, too.

Brian: Let’s get going. Our first guests likes to balance balls on its nose and is a master of the bicycle horn. Please welcome a seal!

[Ricky enters holding a seal, and sits]

Brian: And who are you?

Ricky: I’m Ricky Ashton, of the Corpus Christi Sea Aquarium.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ricky: Hello, Brian.

Brian: This is my brother.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Ricky: Hello, Ryan. I would like for you to meet Sammy. He’s a three year old seal from the Pacific coast of California. He eats almost twelve pounds of fish a day.

Brian: I hear those seals like to party.

Ricky: Excuse me?

Brian: I hear they like to go clubbing with Eskimos.

Ryan: I like to go clubbing, and I do love the ladies.

Brian: He does love the ladies.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ricky: And this is Sammy.

Brian: So, tell us. Why do seals love to go clubbing?

Ricky: Uh, you’re mistaken. When people talk about “clubbing seals,” that’s something different.

Brian: Okay. Well, tell us about the mating process.

Ricky: Well, during the breeding season, the male seal fights for dominance, and they have a harem of fifteen to thirty female seals.

Brian: A harem? That’s crazy!

Ryan: Are you saying that seals are Mormons?

Brian: That is a very good question.

Ricky: Actually, it’s not. Seals have no religious affiliation. However, the dominant male does have more than one partner.

Brian: Do they meet all those ladies when they go clubbing with Eskimos?

Ricky: No, that’s not right.

Brian: He loves to go clubbing.

Ryan: And I do love the ladies.

Ricky: Actually, what you’re referring to is a horrible practice where baby seals are brutally murdered for their fur.

Brian: That’s depressing. Why did you bring that up?

Ryan: You don’t come on my brother’s show and talk about things like that!

Brian: Get out!

[Ricky stands and leaves]

Brian: I’m sorry you had to see that, Ryan. I’ve been compromised as a professional journalist.

Ryan: You know who you should have had on this show?

Brian: Who?

Ryan: Frosty the Snowman.

Brian: That’s ridiculous! We only have animals on this show. He is not an animal. He is a snow man.

Ryan: Oh, sorry. But it’s Christmas.

Brian: Again, he is a man. Okay, our next guest lives in a cave and can’t see his own reflection in a mirror. Please welcome a bat!

[Sarah enters and sits, and an assistant hands her a bat in a terrarium]

Brian: And what’s your name, sir?

Sarah: Oh! Well, I am a woman, and my name is Sarah Bellow, from the Bronx Zoo.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Sarah: Great.

Brian: Your bat looks scary. Is he going to fly over and bite me?

Sarah: No, I think you’re safe. Although their diets vary widely, bats eat mostly insects and fruit.

Brian: Bats live in caves, right? Does he know where Osama bin Laden is?

Sarah: No, no, he doesn’t.

Brian: Shoot, there’s a big reward for him.

Ryan: I was gonna use that money to go clubbing.

Sarah: Bats are nocturnal creatures. This means that they sleep during the day and hunt at night.

Brian: He does the same thing. He sleeps during the day and goes hunting for ladies at night.

Ryan: I love the ladies. I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Sarah: Okay, and I’m Sarah Bellow! And we’re still talking about my bat.

Brian: That bat looks old.

Sarah: Well, actually, this is a silver-haired bat, and his hair has been this color since he’s very young.

Brian: When he turns into a man, how old will he be?

Sarah: Well, he can’t turn into a man.

Ryan: Well, how do you explain Batman, then?

Brian: [laughs loudly] He got you.

Sarah: No, he didn’t “get” me, for any number of reasons. First of all, Batman is not a real person. And secondly, Batman is not Dracula; Batman was never a bat.

[a shared thought bubble appears above Brian and Ryan and Frosty the Snowman emerges]

Frosty: Hey, fellas. What’s going on?

Brian and Ryan: Frosty!

Sarah: Well, he’s not actually frosty. He’s just silver-haired.

Frosty: This show’s boring. You should have me as a guest!

Ryan: That’s what I told Brian, but he said you couldn’t, ’cause you’re a man.

Frosty: Darn right, I’m a man. Do you want to see my snowballs?

Brian: No, I don’t wanna see your balls! I do not want to see your balls!

Sarah: Look, I told you, I am not a man! You know, I am out of here! [stands and leaves with terrarium]

Brian: Well, that’s our show for today. Join me next time when we will be visited by a dogfish.

Ryan: That sounds crazy.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: Good night!

[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Democratic Candidates

Joe Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards
Gen. Wesley Clark…..Jimmy Fallon
John Edwards…..Will Forte
Richard Gephardt…..Darrell Hammond
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers

[ open on the other Democratic Presidential candidates watching Rev. Al Sharpton host “Saturday Night” at John Edwards’ house ]

Joe Lieberman: I don’t get it, I-I-I just don’t get it. Why him? There’s nine of us running – why does Rev. Al get to hang out with Jimmy Fallon? Why not, uh.. Howard Dean.. or Gen. Wesley Clark —

[ the other candidates in the room nod their heads in agreement ]

Joe Lieberman: — or Joe Lieberman?

[ the other candidates shake their heads in disagreement ]

Howard Dean: Well, you really didn’t think they were going to ask you, Joe?

Joe Lieberman: [ sighs ] And why not, Howard? I know quite a few humorous anecdotes. I’ve been told that I possess an impeccable sense of comedic timing! Why, around the Lieberman household, my Chris Tucker impression is legendary. [ clears his throat and demonstrates ] “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!” [ chuckles to himself ] My kids love it, so..

Gen. Wesley Clark: I don’t know. I mean, I think the Reverand’s doing a pretty good job!

Joe Lieberman: Pretty good for a guy who’s never held public office.

Howard Dean: Kind of like you, General. [ chuckles to himself ]

Gen. Wesley Clark: I didn’t serve in a public office, because I was too busy seving our country in uniform! Not flying down some ski slope with a bunch of pot-smoking Goldbrickers!

Howard Dean: Save it, Rookie! [ to the kitchen door ] Hey, Edwards! Senator! We’re running out of Bugles here!

Gen. Wesley Clark: Edwards! Ten-hut, maggot!

[ John Edwards, clad in apron, pops his head out of the kitchen, carrying an armload of assorted snacks ]

John Edwards: Here you goooooooo!! Here is some0 peel-and-eat, for Mr. Howard Dean —

Howard Dean: Thank you.

John Edwards: And an extra helping of Wheat Thins, for my favorite Kosher candidate!

Joe Lieberman: Mmm.. muchos gracious.

[ doorbell rings ]

John Edwards: [ excited ] Oh! I’ll get it! I’ll get it!

Gen. Wesley Clark: Go get it! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Howard Dean: We gotta hide! Turn out the lights! It might be that goofball Kucinich.

John Edwards: [ opens the door ] No! It’s John Kerry and Dick Gephardt! Two of my eight favorite Democrats!

Dick Gephardt: Hi, all.

John Kerry: Sorry we’re late, guys – Dick couldn’t get his car started.

Joe Lieberman: Sounds like his campaign! [ chuckles to himself ]

Gen. Wesley Clark: I hope that’s not your A-material, Joe – it stinks!

John Edwards: Let me grab your cooooats!

Dick Gephardt: Thanks, John. It’s awafully nice of you to have us over.

John Edwards: Well, I’m sure any one of you guys would return the favor! Now, can I get you anything to drink?

Dick Gephardt: Diet Coke.

John Kerry: Water’s fine.

John Edwards: Okay, coming right up! [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Dick Gephardt: If that guy kissed as any harder, he’d be drawing blood!

John Kerry: Seriously – that’s record time. We haven’t even hit Iowa yet, and that guy’s trying to brownnose his way into a VP nod! It almost makes you look dignified, Joe.

Joe Lieberman: [ pleased ] Well, thank you, John.. [ the others try to stifle their laughter ] Wait. That was a joke at my expense, wasn’t it?

[ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]

John Edwards: Who wants Raspberry Mojitoooooos!

Howard Dean: [ aggravated ] Just bring out the pitcher, Edwards.

[ Edwards exits to the kitchen ]

Dick Gephardt: You know, I just don’t get it. Al Sharpton. I mean, why not me?! I’m the one with the most experience here!

Howard Dean: You’re right, Dick – none of us have lost half as many elections as you!

Gen. Wesley Clark: [ laughing ] Eight-time loser! Eight-time loser!

Dick Gephardt: Oh, come on! Come on, that’s not fair!

Joe Lieberman: Oh, I’m afraid it is..

Gen. Wesley Clark: I burned ya’, man! I burned ya’!

Dick Gephardt: [ angry ] I know you burned me!

Joe Lieberman: I’m afraid it is fair, Dick. You’re like David Spade in a Hollywood comedy – it makes sense on paper, but the people just aren’t going for it.

Dick Gephardt: You may be right. Maybe I am a loser, Mr. “Vice-President”. Oh, wait a second! You’re not the Vice-President! You lost that election!

Joe Lieberman: That’s debatable.

Dick Gephardt: No, it’s not!

[ everyone laughs at Lieberman ]

Howard Dean: Are we gonna keep watching, or what?

Gen. Wesley Clark: Yeah, why not – “Showtime at the Apollo”‘s on in a half-hour, anyway. Hut!

John Kerry: Yeah. And, if we get bored, we can try to rile up Dean, see if we can get him to punch another hole in the wall!

[ everyone laughs at Dean ]

[ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]

John Edwards: Who wants homemade caramel apples!

Dick Gephardt: Just leave them on the table, John.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts