Month: October 2018

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Bernie Mac’s Monologue

…..Bernie Mac

Bernie Mac: Hello! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey hey, welcome, everybody! And I hope everybody here to have a good time, because I am here to have a blast! You know? Bewcause the whole country’s tense! It’s a tense time. Everybody in the country’s on high alert. They nervous and edgy, you know? They say look out for suspicious behavior. I need to know what the hell is suspicious behavior! You know? I keep on eye on every damn body! Iraq’s army playin’ like they the U.S. Army, givin’ up and killin’ us and holdin’ us hostage and all that kinda stuff!

So I’m watchin’ everybody! I was on an elevator with an old white lady. Just her and I! She watchin’ me, I’m watchin’ her! Then she asked me a stupid-ass question: “Whatchoo lookin’ at?” I said, “What the hell you think I’m lookin’ at?! I’m lookin’ you! You could be.. Saddam’s grandma, I don’t know..”

It’s scary times, I’m tellin’ you! The country got everybody doing stupid things. They told you to buy gas masks.. duct tape.. gloves.. plastic.. The whole doggone country look like a episode of “Trading Spaces”. And you better use your own doggone minds, see? Grown folks stupid, too. You know, you listen to hizzit about “Get some duct tape!” Now, you go get some damn duct tape, if you want to.. and tape your whole house up.. and then wonder why you can’t breathe. You smotherin’ your ass to death!

Right now, you don’t know nobody! It ain’t like it was back in the day! See, like, people know me now – but I don’t know them. This is a beautiful thing, and I’m a good person – I’m a people person. When you come up to me – back up in the day – I’ll shake your hand and talk to you. I’m not doing that today! You can call, be hollarin’ my name, pullin’ on me – “Hey, Bernie!” Slappin’ me, all that stuff. I shot three people last week! I told ’em I was sorry, but I don’t know you. It could be one of those suicide bombers – you ain’t gonna take me with you! You gonna take yourself – I’m takin’ you out!

You gotta protect yourself! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m on ten planes a week. Okay? That’s kinda heavy. You can’t carry no guns.. you can’t carry no knife. But they didn’t say nothing about carrying no hammer! So, if you see me on a plane.. [ singing ] “I got a hammer..” I got a hammer! So I’m gonna tell you how you playin’ when you see me. “Oh, that’s Bernie Mac!” I’m gonna tell you how you ride the plane when you see me. You see me? I want you to sit up.. eat your food.. watch your movie.. take a nap.. leave your shoes alone! I don’t know you, I don’t know what you doin’ down there. But I swear – if you bend down, you ain’t gonna bend back up until you land!

We got a great show for y’all this evening! We got Good Charlotte.. I’m the Mac-Man.. thank you for “Saturday Night Live”!

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Hot Sauce Carry Purse

Husband…..Will Forte
Wife…..Amy Poehler
Debbie…..Maya Rudolph
Reggie…..Bernie Mac

[ open on group of couples together for a barbecue, party music pumpin’ the joint ]

Husband: [ enters living room from the outdoor grill ] Honey? They’re ready!

Wife: Alright! Who wants a burger?

Debbie: Mmm! I do!

Reggie: Oh, me too..

Debbie: You have no idea how much Reggie loves his burgers!

Reggie: You just set me up, and clear the way! Where your hot sauce?

Wife: Oh.. hot sauce? Gosh, I don’t know.. I think we have some salsa in the refridgerator..

[ music comes to an abrupt halt ]

Reggie: You ain’t got no hot sauce?! Debbie, baby, you hear that?! They ain’t got no hot sauce! I told you we should have called before we come here! Come on – dammit!!

Debbie: But, baby..

Reggie: Come on, let’s go!

Debbie: But, baby..

Reggie: Come on, woman, get in the car, we got to go!

Debbie: Don’t worry, baby.. I got it all under control. With my new hot sauce carry purse – by Tabasco. [ opens her purse to reveal the various hot sauce accessories neatly organized ] Each compartment is insulted and calibrated to keep your sauces organized and fresh. It ently carries them from wherever you are, to wherever you need to go.

Reggie: That’s right, baby. Like pool parties, the office, movie theaters, funerals and shopping, and any party thrown by white people!

Wife: I’m so glad you guys brought your thingamajig!

Debbie: You mean my hot sauce carry purse?

Reggie: By Tabasco.

Wife: Yeah.. that.

Reggie: And for you dudes who don’t want to be caught dead carrying a purse, there’s a hot sauce carrying purse for men. Oh, it’s still a purse – but it’s for dudes. And it has hot sauce in it, so, baby, be cool.

Jingle:
Heat up your love
Heat up your life.
Heat up your burgers and fries
Hot sauce carrying purse!”

Debbie: Hot sauce carry purse. By Tabasco. Available at Wilson’s Leather.

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Goodnights

…..Bernie Mac

Bernie Mac: Thanks to Good Charlotte. Thank you Saturday Night Live, and all of you and the troops, for making it possible. Rhonda! Tanice! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I would like to address you directly, to report our progress in the campaign to free the people of Iraq. At the beginning of this conflict, when we faced stiff resistance from the Iraqi army, some in the press said that we had underestimated our enemy. But the truth is, our chief concern was to minimize the loss of innocent life. I wish there were a button I could push.. that would only destroy the bad people. But General Tommy Franks has repeatedly told me no such button exists. And you know what? I believe him.

Nonetheless, As you have heard by now, we have taken Baghdad’s main airport and the surrounding area, which means coalition forces now control all of Iraq’s duty-free shops and car rental services. In addition, we have captured no fewer than five Saddam Hussein lookalikes.. as well as two divisions of the Republican Guard – also lookalikes.

It must be acknowledged, mistakes were made during our Shock And Awe campaign – the main one being, calling it the Shock and Awe campaign. I objected to that title, but I was outvoted. I wanted to call it Tango & Cash. But there was legal problems.

Finally, whenever there is war, there will be those who perpetrate acts of unspeakable evil. In this conflict, it’s Geraldo Rivera. Now, I always felt that people picked on him unfairly, but.. truthfully, he is a bonehead! Going on TV and giving away our troops’ positions? Good going, Einstein!

Well, there you have it. To sum up our situation in Iraq: so far, so good. In closing, I hope this address has put your mind at ease, as to our progress in liberating the people of Iraq. I wish there were more information I could give you, but, in the interest of national security, that’s all they’ve told me. As I leave you, I ask that you remember in your prayers the men and women of our armed forces and their families. God bless America. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 16

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Brain Busters

Lawrence….Bernie Mac
Steve Thinson….Jimmy Fallon
Greg Ferguson…Horatio Sanz

[Opens with a wacky Game Show Network logo]

Announcer: We now return to Brain Busters on the Game Show Network.

[Brain Busters logo]

[Lawrence, the host, is an elegant black man in a suit. Two geeky white contestants]

Lawrence: And welcome back to Brain Busters where our returning champion Steve Thinson is now leading our challenger Greg Ferguson by 200 points. Steve, you’re in charge of the board.

Steve: I’ll take astronomy for a $1,000.

Lawrence: Are you sure? There’s a whole bunch of other categories up there on the board.

Steve: I’m gonna stick with astronomy, Lawrence.

Lawrence: Ok. You sure? Ok, all right. Astronomy for $1,000. Danish astronomer Tyke Brahe was not raised by his parents but by his uncle who lived…..[beep] Steve?

Steve: His uncle Yorgin.

Lawrence: That’s correct.

Greg: Well, you know, it wasn’t gonna be Yolas.

[the nerds Steve and Greg crack up at their inside joke]

Steve: Ha, ha, that’s good, that’s good.

Lawrence: Wow, its an unbelievable game here. You know, my judges just informed me that this is the first time that our contestants have won and have answered every question correctly. Well Steve, we only have one category left. So, you can choose a question.

[The only category left on the board is BLACK HISTORY]

Steve: I got to be honest. It’s not my area of expertise. I think I’m gonna pass.

Lawrence: What do you mean you’re gonna pass, Steve? You’re on fire.

Steve: I’m more of a math/science type of guy. Greg, you’re up.

Greg: I don’t wanna.

Lawrence: [mildly offended] Hey, hey, hey. Come on now.

Greg: I just…I know I’m going to get it wrong and I don’t want you getting the wrong idea. I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of, you know, cause I’m not.

Lawrence: Steve, Steve. I want you to pick a category.

Steve: All right. Here it goes. I’ll take Black History for $200.

Lawrence: All right. Ok. Black History for $200. In 1955 this woman refused to give up her seat setting off the Montgomery Alabama bus boycott. Anyone? Steven?

Steve: I- I don’t know. I really don’t want to guess.

Lawrence: Come on now.

Steve: I don’t think so. Not good, not good.

Lawrence: Just guess, fool!

Steve: Fine. Tina Turner. [Lawrence is really offended] I knew it was wrong. I knew that was wrong. I don’t know why—

Lawrence: Greg, famous African-American woman.

Greg: Tootie?

Lawrence: [angry] Tootie! What?! Why you messing with my people?! We know y’all history! Why you messing with my people?! Are you joking?

Greg: [scared] Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Joking. I guess its over. Hey, nice playing with you. [shakes hands with Steven]

Steve: Take care, buddy.

Lawrence: Hey, hey, hey, hey!!! Get back! Get back! The game is not over! Now, let’s go back to Black History for $400. This African American scientist created peanut butter. Greg?

Greg: Mr. Peanut?

Lawrence: [angry, offended] Mr. Peanut?! Come on man! Steve, you better…you know this! Come on!

Steve: I- I- no.

Lawrence: Ok, ok. [calms himself] I give you a hint, ok? He has three names.

Steve: Phillip Michael Thomas? [Lawrence is furious] Is not what I was going to say. What I was going to say was…Michael Jamal Warner? Bobby McFerrin? I- I don’t–I-I’m sorry.

Lawrence: [offended] Bobby McFerrin?!

Steve: You said three names. You said that.

Lawrence: [speechless] W-w-w-w-what is wrong with you people? We know your people! There’s only 3 black people you need to know. Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson and Rosa Parks. That’s all you need to know. Aaahh, let’s go back to Black History for $600. Here’s the question. He became the first African American baseball player when he played for the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947.

Steve: I’m not really a sports guy.

Lawrence: Steve, you answered the whole doggone section of Brooklyn Dodgers!

[Brooklyn Dodgers section is empty]

Lawrence: Now, I know you know this question.

Steve: Pass?

Lawrence: YOU CAN’T PASS! Now, come on! ANSWER IT!

Steve: I really don’t know.

Lawrence: YOU DO KNOW IT!

Steve: I don’t think…

Lawrence: ANSWER IT!!

Steve: I’m a little nervous now, you don’t want to hear what I’m thinking…doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to say.

Lawrence: [fuming] Steve, answer the damn question.

Steve: Lamont from “Samford and Son”?

Lawrence: [going crazy] Come on! My dear God! I can’t believe this, man! What’s going on?! What’s happening to America?!

Greg: [buzzing in] “Dwayne, Rog and Rerun!” “What’s Happening”?

Steve: That’s right! That’s right! “What’s Happening?!”

[Steve and Greg dance like idiots]

Lawrence: [angry as hell] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [calming himself] Ok, forget about it. We’re going to move to the final round. General knowledge. This was Winnie the Pooh’s feline friend.

Steve: [buzzing in] I know this one. The answer is…

[Screen goes to PLEASE STAND BY]

[Show returns. Lawrence has Steve gripped violently by the shirt collar]

Steve: I meant to say “TIGGER”! With a “T”!

Lawrence: [violent] What did you say?! Uh?! What did you say?!

Steve: Freudian slip! It was a Freudian slip!

[Brain Busters logo]

Announcer: This has been the last episode of Brain Busters ever! We’ve been canceled!

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 5th, 2003

Bernie Mac

Good Charlotte

None

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) addresses the situation in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Bernie Mac’s Monologue

Mac jokes about looking out for suspicious behavior.

Boston Teens

At ballgame, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) & Denise (Rachel Dratch) try to sneak beer.

Recurring Characters: Pat Sullivan, Denise Mc, Frank.

Brain Busters

White contestants (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz) don’t know Black Trivia.

Hot Sauce Carry Case

Black partygoers (Maya Rudolph, Mac) can’t enjoy burgers without hot sauce.

The Pianist

Black guys (Mac, Tracy Morgan) talk while watching “The Pianist”.

Good Charlotte performs “Anthem”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Embedded newscaster Gene Shalit (Horatio Sanz) makes bad puns in Iraq.

Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) gabs about her spring Break trip.

U.S. Amen (Will Forte, Chris Parnell) sing of boycott choices.

Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit.

The Four Stooges

Slapping Rib-Eye (Mac) induces higher form of violence for the trio.

No Smoking

Smokers (Mac, Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon) can’t keep occupied indoors.

Second Time Around

Glenda Goodwin’s (Maya Rudolph) ex-husband (Mac) signs papers.

Recurring Characters: Glenda Goodwin, Renada Wang.

Swiffer Sleepers

(Rerun) See: 10/12/02.

Saddam’s Bunker

Saddam Hussein’s (Horatio Sanz) guards try to trick him into defeat.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Good Charlotte performs “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”

Don Banks’ King of “Comedy” Suits

Don Banks (Mac) dresses you in style to do stand-up.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Versace Oscar Special

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Adrianna…..Salma Hayek
Joel Royce…..Amy Poehler
Ricardo Ferost…..Fred Armisen
Michael Jackson…..Dean Edwards
…..Christina Aguilera

Announcer: Versace…extravagance…decadence…Donatella Versace

(SUPER: Versace Oscar Fashion Preview. Cut into a scene of four half naked studs carrying in Versace on a stretcher)

Donatella Versace: Ah…hello everybody. It’s my Oscar Fashion Preview coming to you live from my boutique over Roseo Drive.

Adrianna: Hello Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Who the hell are you?!

Adrianna: Like I’ve told you the other fifty times we’ve met, I’m Adrianna, the head of operations for all of your stores in California.

Donatella Versace: Well, right now you’re the head of getting me some more champagne!

Adrianna: Boys! (She claps her hands and the guys light Versace a cigarette and fill her glass)

Donatella Versace: Mmm…thank you. Now tell me again why I am her today?

Adrianna: Donatella, it’s time to pick the Oscar dresses for the actresses.

Donatella Versace: AAAHH!! Actresses!! Gross!!! (She tries to run away, but is grabbed by the nimble Adrianna) Let go bitch!

Adrianna: No, no, no, no, no, you have to work, we have work to do. (Continues to restrain Versace)

Donatella Versace: I’m not going to bitch, I’m serious!

Adrianna: Bitch, I’m more serious! (She gives Versace a huge slap)

Donatella Versace: (she recoils then faces back the audience, smiling) That was fantastic. Now tell me which ones are coming in, WHICH ONES!!!

(Adrianna grabs a notebook, opens it, and begins to read)

Adrianna: We have…Meryl Streep.

Donatella Versace: Pantsuit.

Adrianna: Salma Hayek.

Donatella Versace: Sweater dress, off-the-shoulder, with “Donatella” written on the ass in sequins.

Adrianna: Nicole Kidman

Donatella Versace: Strapless leather micro-mini with peek-a-boo cutouts.

Adrianna: Kathy Bates

Donatella Versace: Douve cover! From the Versace home collection.

Adrianna: Sharon Stone

Versace: Straitjacket and tights.

(A guy and girl enter the boutique wearing secret-service-like headphones over their ears)

Joel: Hello, hi, we’re here to pick up a dress for Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Ricardo: Yeah, CZJ needs a gown.

Joel: (speaking into her headphone) Yeah, what? Catherine?

Ricardo: (also speaking into headphone) Perfect.

Joel: Zeta-Jones?

Ricardo: Sounds excellent

Joel: You got it.

Ricardo: That’s funny.

Joel: ZJ, that’s great.

Ricardo: Sure.

Joel: Certainly

Ricardo: Great idea.

Joel: Okay.

Ricardo: Brilliant.

(they stop speaking into the headphones)

Joel: Hi, I’m Joel Royce and this is, um…

Ricardo: Hey, I’m Ricardo Ferost for Catherine Zeta-Jones’ people.

Donatella Versace: Great. You bitches put your heads together, eh?

Together: (obeying) Okay…

Donatella Versace: Now take tiny, baby steps towards me.

Together: (coming forward) Alright…

Donatella Versace: Little closer, a little closer. (Her head is millimeters away from theirs, she begins whispering) You tell that bitch that I need to see her pregnant Zeta-ass in person, but also tell that mofo that I love her so much, and when she comes back if she could just bring me a hotdog? Please? Just a small one with a little relish…(directly into their ears) NOW GET OUT!!!

(They quickly retreat outside the boutique, just as Michael Jackson comes in)

Adrianna: Donatella, I don’t mean to alarm you, but Michael Jackson’s at the door.

Donatella Versace: Who??

Adrianna: Michael Jackson!

Donatella Versace: Oh no, that crazy bitch. What should we do? Hide?

Adrianna: No, that doesn’t work with him. Let’s pretend we’re mannequins!

Donatella Versace: Okay.

(They both position themselves into stylish model poses, Versace still with her cigarette and champagne bottle)

Michael Jackson: Hello? Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO!! YOO-HOO!!! I wanna buy some stuff…(fingering Adrianna’s hair) I wanna buy these two mannequins! Yoo-hoo!

Donatella Versace: (not moving from position) They’re not for sale!

Michael Jackson: Okay…bye mannequins! Halloo! Bye…HALLOO mannequins!! Bye mannequins…HOO-HOO!!!

(They break their poses)

Adrianna: Okay, he’s gone.

Versace: Thank God.

Adriann: Thank God.

Donatella Versace: So what do we do now, fold sweaters?

Adrianna: No, we actually have to keep going over the dresses for the Oscars.

Donatella Versace: Alright.

(Christina Aguilera enters)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella! (singing) You are beautiful…

Donatella Versace: Christina! (drunkenly singing) You are beautiful…oh my God, I’m loving you! It’s the beautiful new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera! You are my baby, ah? Yes, I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on your little back like a tiny baby. Then I can burp you, and put a little powder on your bottom…

Adrianna: (separating them) Don’t be a weirdo, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Okay

Adrianna: Hi, Christina darling, what can we do for you?

Christina Aguilera: I’m actually going to an Oscar party, and I need something glamorous to wear.

Donatella Versace: Oh, anything for you, here you go. (She rips off her dress, revealing a white bra and what appears to be a puffy blue diaper, and gives it to Christina)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella, you dirty bitch! This is beautiful!

Donatella Versace: (waving her off) Ah…you’re the beautiful bitch!

Adrianna: You’re both beautiful bitches! (she drapes her arms over both)

Donatella Versace: Ah…we are all beautiful bitches, ah? Now let’s go to my private and jet and go to that fancy McDonald’s in Monte Carlo.

(They exit and the half-naked guys start dancing again while the SUPER: VERSACE’S OSCAR FASHION PREVIEW reappears)

Thanks to Minhquan Nguyen for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Fericito…..Fred Armisen
Lupe…..Salma Hayek
Avril Lavigne…..Amy Poehler
Gollum…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Despite the Bush administration’s request for a UN vote on Iraq Friday, they have once again pushed the deadline back. The new UN deadline is March 61st.

The U.S. military exploded a new 21,000 pound mega-bomb, the largest non-nuclear weapon in history, over Florida Tuesday. Minutes after the explosion, florida agreed to disarm.

In protest to France’s opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. congress’ cafeteria has changed French Fries and French Toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started Freedom Kissing each other.

Tina Fey: In a related story, in France, American Cheese is now referred to as Idiot Cheese.

Jimmy Fallon: Trust me! They’re laughing at us! French fries aren’t even French! They’re Belgian. Some American guy named thm wrong, to begin with. Also, Americans – they’re pouring bottles of French wine down the toilet. Stop it! You already paid for the wine, you dopes! Pee in the wine, and sel it to some French people! Then, you’re doing something!

Tina Fey: Yeah! And, you know, don’t think that by eating Freedom Fries, you’re being patriotic and helping the war effort. Use less gasoline! Read a newspaper! You know? How about you cool it with the Freedom Fries, anyway, you fat asses! We’re the fattest, country in the world! Have you ever walked around an American mall? It’s nothing but Chick-Fil-A’s and Lane Bryant track suits busting at the seams!

Together: Do something!!

Don Pardo V/O: This has been Jimmy & Tina Yelling At America.

Christiane Kittel, a 24-year old woman awoke from her 7-year coma, after she was taken to a Bryan Adams concert. Okay, so that’s one. But why was everyone else at the Bryan Adam concert in a coma?

The Dixie Chicks angered country music fans Thursday, when lead singer Natalie Mains told a London audience, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.” Ifyou’d like to her more of what Natalie Maines has to say, check out the new government wiretap on all of her phones.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now, all the way from South America, are Venezeulan nightclub comedians Fericito and Lupe!

Fericito: [ banging drums ] Did you feel it?! [ audience applauds ] I said, Did you feel it?! [ audience applauds louder ] I’m Fericito, and I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezuela.

Lupe: And I’m Lupe!

Fericito: Say, Lupe.. isn’t it wonderful to be here on Sabado Night Live! We have the most comfortable dressing room! I must have spent an hour on the toilet!

Lupe: Fericito, there is no toilet in our dressing room.

Fericito: [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ shakes caracas ] Ay, pipa!

Fericito: Awww.. so, anyway, yesterday, Lupe and I were in California. Lupe. Did you feel that earthquake last night?

Lupe: I did a good job pretending I felt one! [ winks ]

Fericito: [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ shakes caracas ] Ay, pipa!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, uh.. Fericito.. aren’t you going to introduce us?

Fericito: Oh, how rude of me. Allow me to introduce my new wife – and comedy sidekick – Lupe Muniz!

Lupe: Hola, Jimmy! Hola, Tina Fey! Uh.. Jimmy? You mean, Tina is your comedy sidekick and wife?

Tina Fey: Oh, no, no, no! We’re not married.. we’re just, like, partners.

Fericito: Ohhhhh… Himmy! Tina Fey! You sohuld really think about getting married! It’s more

Tina Fey: How is it more professional?

Fericito: People only want to see a man and a woman do comedy, if they are married! Like Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez!

Lupe: Like Howie Long and Teri Hatcher!

Jimmy Fallon: They-they’re not married..

Tina Fey: No..

Fericito: Look! Himmy! Excuse me. Doing comedy is like making love to your wife, okay? You sweat a lot.. you make funny faces.. and.. if you’re bad, the audience demands their money back! [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ fuming ] Fericito, this is not funny! Why do you talk about this things on television?

Fericito: Oh, Lupe.. it’s just a yoke, it’s a comedy show..

Lupe: Oh, no, Fericito.. These things are passionate. Our mothers are watching. Sometimes you just make me want to scream! [ angrily drops her caracas on top of the drums and folds her arms ] I’m just KEEEEEDING!!!

Fericito: [ bangs his drums with joy ]

Jimmy Fallon: Fericito, Lupe, everybody!

Tina Fey: It’s been reported that more and more Americans are using search engines like Google.com to locate and contact their ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. This is no use to me, however, because everyone I’ve ever dated has ended up dead!

A dog groomer in Nebraska has reported to the police for allegedly giving a poosdle a bad haircut. In other news: Osama bin Laden is still at large.

A Chicago man tried to rob a jewelry store by swallowing a 3-karat diamond ring, valued at more than $37,000. The man said swallowing the diamond ring was all part of his plan to ask his proctologist to marry him.

[ a knock is heard offscreen ]

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think somebody’s at the Update door.

Tina Fey: Well, whoever might it be. [ stands up to answer the door ] Oh! Look, Jimmy! It’s teen punk-pop sensation Avril Lavigne! Hey, Avril!

Avril Lavigne: F you, Jimmy! F you, Tina! [ makes a scowl ]

Tina Fey: Watch your language, Avril!

Avril Lavigne: No, I won’t watch my language! [ begins singing from “Complicated” ]

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, okay.. settle down..

Avril Lavigne: NO!!! I’m a punk rocker! I’m wearing a boy’s tanktop! Look at my mad face! Bleaaah!! F it up! Suck it! Look! Watch! [ holds her hand up menacingly ] That’s the English middle finger! Wrap your minds around that! I don’t know who David.. Bow-ie is.. or the Sex.. Pie-stols.. I’m, like, 17, and they’re, like, 100! So.. [ makes mad face ] ..bleaaahh!!

Tina Fey: Avril, do you have anything relevant to say..?

Avril Lavigne: I’m MAAAAD!! I have a paperclip! And put it in my ear!! I don’t give a F! ‘Cause I’m pissed!! And I’m a punk!

Tina Fey: Okay, time to go.. time to go..

Avril Lavigne: Fine! I will go! But just remember, wherever you are: “I’m with you-ou-ou!!”

Jimmy Fallon: Avril Lavigne, everybody.. Avril Lavigne..

A professor at the University of Wisconsin says he’s found a way to take the bitterness out of chedder cheese. Now, if he can only find a way to remove the arrogance from Wheat Thins.

A Texas man accused of abusing his stepson was ordered by a judge to spend thirty nights sleeping in a doghouse. That way, when the thirty days are over and the judge isn’t around, he’ll be really nice to his stepson!

Tina Fey: The 75th Annual Academy Awards will be held a week from tomorrow in Los Angeles, ending months of speculation over who will win an Oscar, the most coveted statue in the world.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s right, Tina. Check it out. We just happen to have one of those babies here on loan from the Academy. [ rwaches under Update desk ] Or, at least, it should be here.. [ finding nothing ] Oh, my God!

Tina Fey: What?

Jimmy Fallon: The Oscar.. it’s gone.. someone took it..

Tina Fey: Well, who would want to do that?

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know.. Tracy.. Horatio.. I don’t know..

[ Gollum, from “The Lord of the Rings” jumps atop the Update desk ]

Gollum: The precious! We want that! We deserve that!

Jimmy & Tina: Gollum!!

Jimmy Fallon: I should have known it was you.

Gollum: The precious! We love the precious!

Jimmy Fallon: Gollum, that Oscar has to be returned to the Academy Awards. Speaking of which.. who are your picks this year?

Gollum: Julianne Moore should win Best Actresses! [ turns head ] No! Julianne Moore should win Best Supporting Actresses! [ turns head back ] Hoo-oo-oo-oohhh! We loved “Gangs of New York”! [ turns head ] Hmm.. really? Do you think Oscar says his best work? [ turns head back ] Hoo-oo-oo-oohhh! No, you’re right.. they’re just giving him props for all the times he was overlooked!

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, okay, okay.. it’s time to go. Hey.. by the way.. who’s your big date for the night?

Gollum: I’m bringing my mother! But, God, I’m not gay!

Tina Fey: Gollum, everybody! He’s not gay.

ABC’s “All My Children” will break a daytime TV taboo, when it features the first-ever lesbian love scene. Hoping it’s a success, other soaps are ocnsidering gay spin-offs, such as: “The Bald & The Beautiful”, “As The World Turns Over”, “Pork Charles”, and, of course, say it with me: “Genital Hospital”.

Tina Fey: St. Patrick’s Day is on Monday. Here with some thoughts on the celebration of all things Irish, is our own Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: [ holding guitar ] St. Patrick’s Day is coming up, and I can’t wait! I love it! As you know, you don’t have to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Last year, I went to my favorite Irish bar, and I was the only Irish guy there.

[ singing to the tune of John Mayer’s “Your Body Is A Wonderland” ]

“There’s a rabbi with a shillelagh
There’s a McCormack named Sean.
There’s an Indian dude playing bagpipes
There’s a Chinese leprechaun.

Nobody’s here from Ireland!
Nobody’s here from Ireland, that’s for sure.
Nobody’s here from Ireland!
Nobody’s here from Ireland!”

It’s fun, uh.. people dance, they sing.. they drink. Uh.. and I have a favorite drink, uh..

[ singing to the tune of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” ]

“St. Patrick’s Day, I think it’s wonderful
The day is here, for Guinness Beer.
Guinness Beer, you’re mysterious
I pour you out, then wait an hour
You are beautiful, I drank a case today!
Now I weigh 300 pounds
So won’t you drink one down?
Won’t you drink one down?
Today?”

Of course, there’s a big parade that goes up 5th Ave., but there’s still this controversy about not letting everybody march.

[ singing to the tune of Coldplay’s “Clocks” ]

“Bagpipes start to play
You can march, unless you’re gay
Singing many different shades of green
Don’t mess with an angry queen.

Singing let them march, and you will know
Gay guys make better floats.
Singing coo-oo-oo-ool float.
Coo-oo-oo-ool float.”

Please remember that, uh.. this holiday can be a lot of fun, uh.. don’t drink too much, okay?

[ singing to the tune of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” ]

“Look!
You only have one shot!
After 6 pints of Amstel, 3 Budweisers,
2 beers I never heard of – microbrews.
Plus 1 Seagram’s wine cooler you stole out of some girl’s backpack.
Then you ate everything you saw at the parade.
Could you digest it?
Or lose control of your bodily functions.

Yo, my palms are sweaty.
Corned beef, canned confetti
Falling on my sweater already.
Green confetti I’m bupring, But on purpose I keep forgettin’ to throw up

I don’t think my brain will let me hold it down.
Now, I’m bending over, it won’t come out
Time’s up! Over! Blast!
And back comes the cabbage
There goes shamrocks
Some wasted sandwiches
I hope there’s no cameras
Oh, a weak bladder
I won’t until it don’t matter
I’ll clean it next Saturday
Puke yourself in the bathroom..”

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey! And that’s Jimmy Fallon! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Jimmy continues to play his guitar, and a gangster sneaks up behind him and steals his pencil ]

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Top O’ The Morning

Patrick Fitzwilliam…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Bar Patron…..Horatio Sanz
Brendan Maloney…..Darrell Hammond
Rosa…..Salma Hayek

[ show station identification slide ]

Announcer: You’re watching RET-2, Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 in the a.m., and next up is “Top O’ The Morning”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ cue Irish music, dissolve to bar area of talk show set ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It’s 9:30 in the AM, welcome to “Top O’ The morning”. I’m your host, Patrick Fitzwilliam.

William Fitpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes, so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Put it in the Tupperware, burp it, and save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Today’s show is brought to you by Ireland’s #1 remedy for female sexual dysfunction.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Men have Viagra, finally.. there’s something for women – Jameson’s Irish Whiskey.

William Fitzpatrick: Gets you in the mood every time! Now, let’s start the show by saying..

Together: Happy St. Patrick’s Day to ya, cheers!!

William Fitzpatrick: And a Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you, too.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I am not talking to ya.

William Fitzpatrick: And why not?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’ll tell ya why.As we all know, St. Patrick is known for driving serpents out of Ireland. In honor of that, my genius friend over here decided to release over 55 snakes into the bar!

William Fitzpatrick: In my defense, none of the snakes are poisonous!

[ a burly bar patron runs past the camera, looking straight at the viewers in horror as a snake clutches into his neck, then he runs back off frame ]

William Fitzpatrick: Fair enough. Maybe one or two of them are poisonous.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: There’s a bloody gaboon viper wrapped around the jukebox. [ camera reveals snake sitting on the jukebox ] He keeps playing “Crocodile Rock” – I can’t take it any more!

William Fitzpatrick: Well, I’m so sorry that I love the Patron Saint of our great land so much! I thought you might like him, too, considering your mother named you after him!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Aye, she did. God rest her soul. [ almost cries ] Not here.. not now..

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here – in front of the snakes.. not now..

William Fitpatrick: You’re on TV, pull yourself together.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here.. not now.. I’m done.

William Fitpatrick: You’re better?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yes.

William Fitpatrick: Have a shot. [ holds up shot glass ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers. [ takes shot glass ]

William Fitzpatrick: Cheers.

[ they drop their shots, as bar patron Brenda Maloney walks up with a huge patch taped over his crotch ]

William Fitzpatrick: Brendan Maloney! What’s happened?! Did the snake getcha?

Brendan Maloney: I wish.. Don’t ever call Alfie over there a leprechaun.

[ cut to Alfie, who growls at Brendan ]

Brendan Maloney: It’s like he sharpens his teeth! [ waks away ]

William Fitzpatrick: Hey, Patrick! Did you know that one of these snakes is actually Irish?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah, which one?

William Fitzpatrick: That one. [ points ]

[ camera reveals snake with his head in a glass of whiskey, who empties it in seconds flat ]

Together: [ clinking their shot glasses ] Cheers, snake!! [ they chug their shots ]

William Fitzpatrick: Alright, we’re very excited to being out our first guest – my new girlfriend, Rosa.

[ Rosa enters set to Irish music introduction, and kisses William ]

Rosa: Happy St. Patricka Dayyyyyy!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I can’t believe it! Rosa bloody Gonzalez! How can you dating her? She doesn’t have an Irish bone in her body?

Rosa: Ooohhh.. sometimes I do! It’s twice a week – if he hasn’t been drinking too much.

William Fitzpatrick: What can I say – I’m an animal. And, for the record, her name is Rosa O. Gonzalez.

Rosa: The O. stands for “Ortega”.

William Fitzpatrick: You’re not helping.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I don’t know how you can date a Mexican. They tan in the sun, their food is.. delicious, and they can’t hold their liquor.

Rosa: Can’t hold our liquor?! Hey, I’m Mexican – I piss lighter fluid! Let’s go, let’s have some Tequila. [ holds bottle up ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: How dare you drink Tequila on Ireland’s holiest of days!

William Fitzpatrick: She has a sister.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Welcome to the family, when can I meet her?

William Fitzpatrick: Now’s the time to honor one of Ireland’s oldest traditions – getting angry for no good reason. As always, let’s take it over to our old friend, the Punching Wall.

[ the three of them amble over to the fabled punching wall ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I should warn ya, I’m in a great mood right now. There’s literally nothing you can say that would make me punch a hole through the slate wall.

William Fitzpatrick: [ without missing a beat ] England!

[ Patrick punches a huge hole into the wall, as a couple snakes scurry out ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Next year, no snakes!

William Fitzpatrick: Agreed.

Rosa: Irish are so violent. We Mexicans don’t have such fiery tempers.

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, really? Uh.. didn’t Mexico get knocked out of the World Cup by the United States?

[ with that, Rosa goes berserk, punching holes into the wall, swining barstools around the bar and creating great chaos ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: She’s a keeper!

William Fitzpatrick: Yeah, she’s a winner!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah!

William Fitzpatrick: [ to camera ] Well, that’s about all the time we have!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Gaboon viper, hit it!

[ camera swings over to the jukebox, where the viper gets another play of “Crocodile Rock” revved up ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Together: Top O’ The Morning” to ya!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Salma Hayek’s Monologue

…..Salma Hayek
…..Chris Kattan
…..Horatio Sanz
…..male cast members

Salma Hayek: Thank you! I am so excited to be here! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about doing this show.. but the guys have been so nice to me. They’ve been offering me drinks, offrering me massages – a lot of massages.. Actually..

[ Chris Kattans enters stage suddenly, dressed like an 80’s rocker ]

Chris Kattan: Hey, Salma. How are you?

Salma Hayek: Oh.. hi, Chris.. hi. what’s with the outfit?

Chris Kattan: What? This? Oh. It’s nothing, actually.. it’s, uh.. okay. Well, it’s a little embarrassing. Actually, I’ve had a crush on you for a while now.. and, uh.. I just wanted to.. share my feelings with you.. if that’s okay..

Salma Hayek: Oh.. sure..

[ suddenly, Chris breaks into song – Pat Benetar’s classic “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: Very sweet.. but as I told you on Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday – actually, I’ve told you every day this week – you’re very nice, but I’m just not interested.

Chris Kattan: Ri- what? Oh! no.. no.. I came up here to congratulate you on your Oscar nomination! And, uh.. you know, in case you’re interested, I do own my own tux-e-do!

Salma Hayek: Thank you, Chris, but I.. I.. I’ve actually got someone.

Chris Kattan: Oh! Right! Ed Norton! Edward Norton! Very fine actor! Right! Okay. But, you know, think about it.

Salma Hayek: Okay. Great. Go. I’ll think about it.

Chris Kattan: Okay! [ exits stage ]

Salma Hayek: [ to audience ] I will not think about it. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s great to be here in New York. Yesterday, I was in-

[ Chris Kattan jumps back onstage with a full backing 80’s look-a-like band, as they break back into “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: [ stopping them ] Chris! What’s going on here?!

Chris Kattan: This? Oh.. this is, uh.. my band.. we’re a Pat Benetar cover band?

Chris Kattan: Yeah! We’re called Shadows Of The Night! [ breaks into cover version of “Shadows Of The Night” ]

Salma Hayek: [ stopping him ] You’re embarrasing yourself, you don’t let me do my monologue.. just get out of here!

Chris Kattan: Okay, you’re right.. you’re absolutely right. God! You’re so right.. I’m sorry. Guys, let’s go..

[ the band disassembles and exits the stage ]

Salma Hayek: You’re always trying to upstage me.. [ looks funny at the one of the band members trying to walk away ] Hey! You.

Edward Norton: [ in British accent ] Oh, uh.. me?

Salma Hayek: Yeah. Come over here. Edward? Is that you?

Edward Norton: What? No! No, I just play the bass, man!

Salma Hayek: What are you doing here?

Edward Norton: Well.. I don’t know.. after I saw how well Keanu Reeves did with his music career.. I decided to quit acting and follow my dreams of rock glory, you know?

Salma Hayek: Quit that accent!

Edward Norton: [ suddenly drops the accent ] Yeah, you’re right.. it’s stupid, I’m sorry.. Well, you know, we didn’t want to mess up your monologue, but we did.. we rehearsed the song for, like, five weeks..

Salma Hayek: Oh, I can’t believe it..

Edward Norton: What? I told you I liked Pat Benetar when we met..

Salma Hayek: No, I can’t believe you’ve been rehearsing for five weeks! You suck!

Edward Norton: Oh.. Well.. uh.. I’ll go home, then, and get dressed for the Oscars.

Salma Hayek: Alright, alright.. get back in here, sing your stupid song..

[ the cover band returns to the stage and breaks back into their version of “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: We have a GREAT show!! Christina Aguilera is with us!!

SNL Transcripts