Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Tracy Morgan
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Last night, the Taliban offered to release eight westerners currently on trial in Afghanistan, if the U.S. agreed not to attack. The State Department declined, but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying, “It really felt good to laugh again.”

Over the past few weeks, Hollywood has done what it can do to cater to a more sensitive national audience. Many sitcoms edited out individual jokes it thought would be offensive, while “Inside Schwartz” boldly did away with humor altogether.

“The Weakest Link” is filming a Newsmaker’s edition with Darva Conger, Kato Kaelin, Tonya Harding, Gennifer Flowers, Leif Garrett, Puck and Todd Bridges. Hmm.. who’s one Corey Feldman short of a total suckfest? The contestants will all be playing for the same charity – themselves.

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris announced she is running for Congress. Though she may run unopposed, many believe it will still be an ugly campaign.

A London newspaper is reporting that Sean “Puffy” Combs has hired a proper English butler named Farnsworth. So far, it’s working out great, except that everytime Puffy comes home, the butler instinictlvely calls the police.

Barry Bonds broke Mark Maguire’s single-season home run record Friday night, hitting his 71st and 72nd home run of the season. When reached for comment, Maguire said, “Bonds make Maguire angry!!”

Jimmy Fallon: On Friday, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak angrily criticized America’s support of the Palistinian state. Barak’s remarks add to the tension in the Middle East, and may threaten our coilition. Here now, with a Visceral Editorial, is Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Oh, Isreal! You know we’re friends! Ugh! This is not the time! Uggghhh!

Jimmy Fallon: This has been a Visceral Editorial.

Workmen in Dublin have dug up a mysterious stone and metal box archeologists believe is a time capsule buried 200 years ago. Though it has not been opened, many hope it contains Ireland’s long-lost “good” recipes.

After hearing about the 200-year-old discovery, Sen. Strom Thurmond said, “So, that’s where I put that!”

In women’s health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen, just like Michael Jackson’s penis.

Jimmy Fallon: Now, here to set the record straight is our own Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Say, Jimbo!

Jimmy Fallon: Good to see you, man!

Tracy Morgan: I know in the past, I’ve popped a lot of jokes about the police and how they get down. And I’ll be driving in my lavender-colored Jaguar with the hip-hop blaring, and they pulled me over for no reason. And I would be pissed off, you know? But never again. I’m here to set the record straight – I like racial profiling. I got new eyes! Racial profiling is a good thing! Officers, I support you. And I don’t care if the dude is white, black, green, blue, whatever. If something doesn’t look right, shake him down. Now, I’m not saying to beat his ass, or nothing like that.. but just shake him down! See what’s happening.

You working at the airport, and someone looks suspicious? Shake him down! He got a long ZZ Top beard? Shake him down! You see a pasty-faced white dude with a “Jesus Saves” backpack wrapped in the Confederate flag? Shake him down? The dude got his head all wrapped up, and he ain’t Erika Badyu? Shake him down! Hey! They probably ain’t even guilty, but shake them down! They’ll get over it. Look at me, I have! [ laughs ] So, law enforecement officers, Tracy Morgan completely understands racial profiling. I support you. And remember – if a guy’s got a little bit of weed in his car, and he ain’t hurting nobody, don’t make me throw it out.

Jimmy Fallon: Tracy Morgan, everybody!

A source says that Jennifer Lopez purchased a $120,000 gold Cadillac to match her sunglasses. And reportedly spent $15,000 on her wedding-day hairdo. Experts say JLo’s spending shows she is well on her way to a hilarious “Behind The Music”.

Documentary guru Rick Burns announced this week that he will produce a documentary about all 50 states. Burns reportedly came up with the idea while trying to bore himself to death.

Researchers have been able to teach sparrows how to differentiate one language from another. Experts say this is a giant step toward their goal of teaching birds racism.

Jimmy Fallon: Last week in Colorado, a man drank over half a bottle of fruit juice before finding what appeared to be a severed human penis in it.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Jimmy Fallon: Yes, I am, Tina. It’s time for “Weekend Update Joke-Off”. Alright, ready? A man found a severed human penis in a bottle of fruit juice. And.. go!

Tina Fey: Uh.. Hmm.. tastes like freshly-squeezed!

Jimmy Fallon: Fruit juice? More like fruit cocktail!

Tina Fey: That was a penis? I thought it was a crazy straw!

Jimmy Fallon: And you thought Tropicana Girl’s Hand was pulpy!

Tina Fey: Wait’ll you hear what he found in his bag of nuts!

Jimmy Fallon: What brand was it? Man-sucket Nectars?

Tina Fey: Uh.. man, that guy really got the shaft!

Jimmy Fallon: Very nice. Tina Fey! Tina Fey wins, ladies and gentlemen!

Stevie Wonder is being sued for over $40 million by an ex-girlfriend who claims the singer agreed to support her after he gave her genital herpes. In response, Stevie said, “I have never seen that wman before in my life.”

Tina Fey: Even with summer officially over, the recent wave of shark attacks has not yet ceased. Officials warn that sharks –

[ doorbell rings ]

Land Shark: Tina, I think somebody’s at the Update door.

Tina Fey: Let’s see who it is.. Who is it?

Land Shark: Mrs. Kalflogginnn..

Tina Fey: Who?

Land Shark: Dr. Grrrowpo..

Tina Fey: Excuse me?

Land Shark: Uh.. uh.. I have a package for Mr. Feldenn..

Tina Fey: I’m sorry?

Land Shark: Domino’s Pizza?

Tina Fey: We didn’t order a pizza.

Land Shark: Candygram.

Tina Fey: They don’t even have those anymore.

Land Shark: Oh, they don’t? Uh.. uh.. Publisher’s Clearing House. Congratulations, Miss.

Tina Fey: Ooh, I won?! Oh, why didn’t you say so! [ opens door, Land Shark gobbles her up ] Aaaggghhh!!!

Jimmy Fallon: On behalf of Tina Fey, for “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Land Shark: And I’m not. Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Goodnights

…..Seann William Scott

Seann William Scott: Thank you, Sum41. And Chevy Chase.

[ Chris Kattan holds up a sign that reads: “Hey There Kiddo!” ]

Thank you, Lorne Michaels, and everybody at “SNL” for a dream come true! God Bless America!! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

The Approval Center

Client #1…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer…..Seth Meyers
Client #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Client #3…..Seann William Scott
Client #4…..Chris Kattan
Client #5…..Tracy Morgan

Client #1: Since I bankrupted, I can’t get approved for nothing!

Announcer V/O: Are you having a hard time getting approved?

Client #1: Yes! I said that!

Announcer V/O: Call the professionals at the Approval Center! We cna figure it out.. for you!

Client #1: They asked me a whole lot of stuff about things. [ a beat ] Now, I’m a-pproved!

[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]

Client #2: After the tornado, I felt stuck! Then I called the Apprival Center. They asked me osme things – like my first name, and my last name.. And now I’m approved!

[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]

Client #2: I can’t wait!

Client #3: I was trying to buy a fishing pole with a bad check. They said, “No way, Jose!” I tried to tell them that I needed it to fish with. They had me forcibly removed from the flea market. I was embarrassed for myself and my date. That’s when I called the Approval Center. When they answered the phone, they said, “Guess what?” And I said, “What?” And they said, “You’re approved!” And I said, “Awesome!” And then they said, “Okay, bye.” And I said, “Bye!”

[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]

Client #3: Thanks, Approval Center! Yeah!

Client #4: I never even called.. and they still approved me! I don’t know what.. I’m approved for.. but I know it feels really, really, really, really good! Finally! I’m approved!

[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]

Client #5: I called the Approval Center, and they hooked me up! They just asked me a few questions, like “Do you want to be approved?” And I sai, “Yes!” And then they asked me, “Did you hear me ask you this question?” I said, “Yeah!” Then they said I was approved! Now my brother’s people will have to respect me! Because I was approved!

[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]

Jingle:
“When you’re in a rut
And you need a break!
Call the Approval Center!”

Announcer V/O: Not legally binding!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Seann William Scott’s Monologue

…..Sean William Scott
Silent Film Actor…..Horatio Sanz
Gorgeous Woman…..Ana Gasteyer

Sean William Scott: Thank you, thank you, thank you. My name is Sean William Scott and I am hosting Saturday Night Live.Yeah, That’s right! Yeah. I know you probably know me best as Stiffler from the American Pie movies. But you know what, there’s more to me then just getting peed on. Yeah yeah, or drinking a beer that has some guy’s sperm in it. It’s true. I actually come from a long line of pretty distinguished actors.

My great-grand-father Reginold William Scott was one of the first silent film stars in American history (cheers) Yeah, I actually brought a clip from one of his movies made back in 1918, check it out!

(Black and white silent film style clip shown. Sean William Scott andHoratio Sanz are laughing. Horatio speaks the words are shown in the next frame in silent film fashion.)

SUPER: “Say there, Mr. S, care for a quaff of this tasty brew?”

(R.W. Scott takes a drink and speaks as if pleased, the words read…)

SUPER: “This is a grand ale fit for President Harding himself. What, pray tell, makes it so savory?”

(Horatio looks mischievous, says something. The frame reads…)

SUPER: “Why, mine own ejaculate of course”

(R.W. Scott looks discussed, pushes the cup away and appears to proclaim, “mother f–ker” the frame reads…)

SUPER: “Darn you!”

(cut back to Monologue)

Sean William Scott: Thank you, I’m proud of that one. They don’t really show it anymore. But a few years later my great grandfather William Bill William Scott made his mark in a series of detective thrillers. Here’s one of them.

(Cut to a black and white shot of a detective’s office. W.B.W. Scott sits at a desk while his voice narate the scene)

William Bill William Scott: I had just closed up for the night when five feet seven inches of trouble walked right into my door. A real knock out. I didn’t know whether to read her her rights or to ask her to marry me right then and there. She sat down and crossed those gorgeous gamms while I tried to play it cool. So I cracked open a beer and took a sip. Damm, some dude had jizzed in it.

(Cut back to monologue)

Sean William Scott: That was awesome! Thank you. Then my grandfather Bing William Scott stared in some of the first moviemusicals. Here’s one of them.

(Cut to a Technicolor street set in the middle of a rainstorm. To thetune of “Singing in the Rain,” B.W. Scott dances on in a rain coat andsings…)

Bing William Scott:
“There’s semen in the beer
There’s semen in the beer
He jerked in it the cup and I totally drank it”

(chorus appears and sings)
“He totally drank it, the beer with the jiz”

(dance around and end in typical musical poise)

(cut back to monologue)

Sean William Scott: That one was my favorite. I hope I can hold up to the Scott family tradition tonight. Anyway we have a great show Sum 41 is here. Stick around we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Jamie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 119.

The first blowdart hit me in the neck. The second hit me in the leg. After that, I blacked out.

When I woke up, I asked Lalani how many blowdarts had hit me. She seemed annoyed.

“What am I?” she said, “Your personal blowdart counter?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Jeffrey’s

Clerk #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Clerk #2…..Seann William Scott
Customer #3…..Horatio Sanz
Boss…..Will Ferrell
Customer #1…..Chris Kattan
Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph

[open on clerks folding clothes]

Customer #1: Excuse me. You guys carry any DKNY?

[clerks sigh]

Clerk #1: We’re the ones that should be asking DKNY are you wasting our time? Leave.

Clerk #2: Leave now.

Customer #1: Oh, come on. It’s just that I don’t recognize any of the labels in the store.

Clerk #1: [throws garment down] Look, Corky. …This is Jeffrey’s. Even our labels have their own labels. [showing his collar]This Salvadore Ferragamo label is made by Armani.

Clerk #2: Yeah, we work at Jeffrey’s. I use five different shampoos for the different hair types on my body. [conceited] That’s my deal!

Clerk #1: [sniffs at Clerk #2] Is that Sahag?

Clerk #2: Are you talking about my eyebrows or my coif?

Clerk #1: Your coif.

Clerk #2: Honey, [rapidly] that’s my bumble-and-bumble-vanilla-bean post-hair wax finishing cream.

Clerk #1: Yummy.

Clerk #2: Mm-hmm.

Clerk #1: [to Customer #1] Now that that’s settled, you officially don’t exist, m’kay?

Customer #1: But I was only-

Clerk #2: Oh, great. You just triggered the boredom force field.

[clerks create imaginary force field around themselves]

Clerk #2: You can’t get in!

Clerk #1: Sorry.

Customer #1: Fine. I’m going to The Men’s Wearhouse. [sneers; exits]

Clerk #2: People shouldn’t.

Clerk #1: Yet they do.

Clerk #2: I know!

[Customer #2 walks up]

Customer #2: Excuse me. Hi. Can you tell me, do you think these pants make my butt look fat?

Clerk #1: Not at all. Your butt looks fat on its own.

Customer #2: What?! That is so rude!

Clerk #1: Look, this is Jeffrey’s. The highest size we carry is 0. Unless you’re on a steady diet of celery and Ex-Lax, you shouldn’t even think of shopping here.

Clerk #2: Now, why don’t you go get that ice cream? You know you want it!

Customer #2: [aggravated] Ooh! I hate this store! [walks away]

Clerk #1: That was toxic.

[clerks apply lotion to their hands in sync; continue folding clothes]

[Customer #3 struts in]

Customer #3: Howdy-do, gents? I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet with this place. Could you direct me to the-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come on, fellas.

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come on.

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Co-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: C-

Clerk #1: No!

Clerk #2: No.

Clerk #1: Look. …Hoping you just came from a Live Aid concert. It’s the only way my mind can comprehend that jacket you’re wearing.

Customer #3: [outraged] What?! This jacket is cool! As seen on Miami Vice!

Clerk #2: Miami Vice. Wow. Which one are you? Crockett? …Or Tubbs?

[clerks Hmm sarcastically to each other; customer Hmms mockingly]

Customer #3: What are you guys telling me? I’m fat?

Clerk #1: I think the door told you that when you had to walk in here sideways.

Customer #3: [unsure] Well…you should walk…sideways…and get my fist…hit in your mouth…and store…outlet…

Clerk #1: You happy with that? …I don’t want you kicking yourself in your Dodge Omni on the way home, thinking that you should’ve said something remotely clever.

Customer #3: Oh really? Let me bring you guys in on a little something. The eighties are bizzack! Yeah. Just to let you know, I don’t drive a Dodge Omni. My mother picks me up at the bus stop! [laughs] Yeah. [makes hand gestures in front of clerks] Check mate, ding-dongs! [clicks tongue rapidly] Jackpot! Whoo! [exits]

Clerk #1: I can’t believe there are so many people in here that aren’t us.

Clerk #2: Tell me about it. I wish they’d just clone us so we’d have someone more acceptable to look at.

Clerk #1: [chuckles] I am tired.

[boss enters backwards in a motorized wheelchair]

Clerk #2: I’m exhausted! Are you exhausted?

Clerk #1: A little scooch.

Clerk #2: I’d like a nap.

Clerk #1: I’d like one of those Brookstone space blankets I can just stretch my spine on.

Clerk #2: Yeah.

Boss: [climbs off wheelchair] Gentlemen.

[cell phone rings]

Boss: [picks up large cell phone] Y’hello?

Clerk #1: Ha, look at that ancient cell phone he has.

Clerk #2: Look at how big it is!

Boss: [covers mouthpiece] Please. Big is the new small. Cami Diaz has one twice this size. [uncovers mouthpiece] What?…Oh! I like that!…Mm-hmm. …Grand. …We’ll see you then. [hangs up] Chloe Sevigny?

Clerk #1: That’s how you pronounce it.

Boss: Yes. She’s having an unveiling of Justine Bateman’s new line at a barbecue at her loft, okay? You two grab a car service, and I’ll meet you there.

[clerks grab their bags]

Clerk #1: You sure you don’t wanna go with us?

Boss: No, I’m taking my Prada jet pack. I’ll probably beat you there.

[clerks exit; boss flies around aimlessly with jet pack, knocking things over]

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Jason Stamper…..Seann William Scott
DJ Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Meyers
Jeff…..Jeff Richards
Jill Butt…..Rachel Dratch

[open on a user surfing to “Jarret’s Room” web page]

Jarret: Hey, what’s up, everybody? It’s me, Jarret. Back at Hampshire College for junior year numero tres. You’ll notice a few changes in the show. One, we got a house band, otherwise known as Hampshire College’s resident turntableist-DJ Jonathan Feinstein! [turns camera to DJ]

[DJ spins Daft Punk’s “One More Time”]

Jarret: You probably know Jonathan from last year’s Halloween party, when he played “Monster Mash” for eight straight hours.

[DJ switches to “Monster Mash”; Jarret looks puzzled]

Jarret: [to DJ] Come on, dude, you got four more weeks. [turns camera back] Next, you’ll see that I moved out of Lema Hall and into McGinn. I know what you’re thinking. That’s the dorm where they put all the psycho kids. But it also happens to be right next door to the dining hall. I can smell chickwiches all day long. So even though you’ll occasionally get a naked dude breaking into your room covered in his own poop, it’s totally worth it. Now returning to the show for an unprecedented sixth senior year is my best friend Gobi.

[Gobi enters with bongo drums; audience cheers and applauds]

Jarret: What’s up, man?

[Gobi sings Afroman’s “Because I Got High” aimlessly, then laughs incoherently]

Gobi: Hey, I got a joke for you.

Jarret: Cool, man. Let’s hear it.

Gobi: You know those chips they have? Baked Lays?

Jarret: Yeah…

Gobi: Yeah, it’s like they’re chips, but also it’s like they’re smoking pot. [to camera] Baked Lays! [laughs; sits back down] Yeah. And also the word Lays.

Jarret: What?

Gobi: It’s like two jokes! [laughs] Oh man, it’s funny! [laughs again]

Jarret: Did you think of that all by yourself?

Gobi: Nope! My friend told me. [laughs]

Jarret: Great. Well, it’s the start of the new school year, and you know what that means-new freshmen. And [holds up Freshman Face Book] a new Freshman Face Book. So without further ado, we present the sixth annual Freshman Face Book Awards!

[Jarret and Gobi’s FRESHMAN FACEBOOK AWARDS appears on screen]

Jarret: Here to help us give out this year’s awards is a man who knows a thing or two about first years-they call him the Freshman 15, because every year he ends up getting with at least fifteen freshmen-pleasewelcome our good friend Jason Stamper!

[DJ spins “One More Time” as Jason enters]

Jarret: What’s up, Stamper?

Jason Stamper: [to camera] Two words! Kegg-er! To-night! [continuously] My place. Off campus. Beer pong. Flip cup. Jell-o shot. Booze loose. Quarters. [sits down] We’ve got an above-ground pool filled up with hot water. [conceited] It’s the largest hot tub you’ve ever seen. [back to normal] We got Jonathan Feinstein on the wheels of steel.

[camera turns to DJ; DJ spins “Monster Mash”]

DJ Jonathan Feinstein: [with Australian accent] Check me out this Sunday. I’ll be playing the Parent’s Weekend Waffle Brunch from 10 a.m. to 11:30.

Jarret: Dude, what’s with the accent? You’re from New Jersey.

[DJ angrily stops spinning]

DJ Jonathan Feinstein: [without accent] Not cool, man. Not cool, Jarret.

[camera turns back]

Jason Stamper: Anyway, our first Face Book award is for Best Name. [Gobi does drum roll on bongos] Thank you. And the winner is…[to camera; very pronounced] Jill…Butt!

[everyone laughs; picture of Jill Butt appears on screen]

Jarret: I mean, come on! You’ve been ridiculed through grade school, high school…it’s college! Clean slate! Change your name already! The game hasn’t even started and you’ve already lost!

Jason Stamper: Next award is for Most Likely To Graduate A Virgin. [drum roll] And the winner is…this guy!

[picture of Dennis Eschenberg, a man with unusual-looking braces, appears on screen]

Jarret: What a-what a goof! This guy couldn’t get laid getting off a plane in Hawaii!

Jason Stamper: Next award is the I Swear To God I’m Not A Narc award!

[drum roll]

[picture of Ian Tombelson, a man with an ancient-looking mustache, appears on screen]

Jarret: Nice mustache! Dude, is your middle name Not A Cop?

Jason Stamper: What is this guy, like, 50?

Jarret: Do you live at 21 Jump Street?

[Gobi laughs and wheezes; Jarret pats his back]

Gobi: That girl’s name was Butt!

[everyone laughs]

Jarret: Dude, are you high right now?

Gobi: Hold on. …Hmm. …Hmm. Yep!

[everyone laughs]

Jarret: Dude, it’s 9 in the morning.

Gobi: Wake and bake, dude! [laughs] It’s 4:20 somewhere!

Jason Stamper: No it’s not. Don’t you know how time zones work?

Gobi: Nope.

Jeff: [off screen] Shut up out there!

Jason Stamper: Who’s that?

Jarret: That’s our roommate, Jeff. He’s brand new. He got kicked out of his frat ’cause he kept taking dumps in the washing machine.

Jason Stamper: Oh.

[Jeff enters, punches Jarret in the shoulder, then sits down]

Jeff: Two for looking! I swear to God. If you freaks wake up the girl in my room, you’re dead.

[Jill enters]

Jill Butt: Hey Jeff, come back to bed.

[Jarret, Gobi and Jason try to suppress their laughter]

Jeff: What’s so funny? [frustrated] What’s so funny?

Jason Stamper: Hey Jeff, what’s your girlfriend’s name?

Jeff: [reluctant] Jill.

Jarret: Jill what?

Jill Butt: Hey Jeff, can I keep this shirt?

Jeff: Cool it, Jill! Go wait for me in my room.

[Jill groans]

Jill Butt: [to Jarret, Gobi and Jason] Hey, guys. I’m Jill Butt.

[Jarret, Gobi and Jason laugh]

Jarret: [extending his hand] Uh, hi. Uh, Jarret Ass. Nice to meet you.

Jason Stamper: Yeah. I’m Jason Brown-Eye.

Gobi: Yeah. I’m Gobi…Butt! II!

Jill Butt: You guys are jerks! [exits]

Jeff: You geeks are dead when I get back! [to camera] And by the way, Sigma Chi, just because you kicked me out doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop taking dumps in your washing machine. [exits]

Jarret: All right, that’s all the time we have today. I gotta go drink six Red Bulls before Jason’s party. DJ Jonathan Feinstein, take us OUT!

[camera turns to DJ; DJ spins “One More Time”]

[user closes web page]

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Emmy Awards Pre-Show

Steve Kmetko…..Will Ferrell
Joan Rivers…..Ana Gasteyer
Lisa Kudrow…..Maya Rudolph
Calista Flockhart…..Rachel Dratch
Garry Shandling…..Jeff Richards
Della Reese…..Tracy Morgan
Pamela Lee…..Amy Poehler
Kid Rock…..Chris Kattan
James van der Beek…..Seann William Scott
Camryn Manheim…..Horatio Sanz
Walter Cronkite…..Darrell Hammond

Steve Kmetko: Good evening, I’m Steve Kmetko. Welcome to E! 2001 Emmy’s Pre-Show. I know you’re used to seeing Joan Rivers in this role, but we’re keeping things a little reverent this year, cutting our pre-show coverage down to seven hours. I will be the lone host, as E! feels –

[ Steve is knocked down by a blowdart, which we discover was blown by Joan Rivers, who’s hiding behind a potted plant ]

Joan Rivers: Oh! Oh! Don’t be alarmed! It’s Joan Rivers! My apologies to Steve Kmetko, he’ll wake up eventually! E! said they didn’t want me this year, but I know how to behave, I can be respectful! I met Queen Elizabeth once, and I didn’t even offer her a milkbone or bark! I’m excited to be here! But only the level of excitement that is appropriate! Because Hollywood is dressing down for the occasion, very conservative! There’s less cleavage here than an Amish funeral, it’s wonderful! Oh! Lisa Kudrow! Lisa Kudrow!

Lisa Kudrow: Hi.. Joan..

Joan Rivers: Nominated for “Friends”, you look so plain tonight! God bless you!

Lisa Kudrow: Thank you. It’s important that we do this.

Joan Rivers: You’re always, always the plainest one on “Friends”! But tonight, you’ve really outdone yourself!

Lisa Kudrow: Thank you.. I think..

Joan Rivers: She’s wonderful! Go for it! Oh! Calista Flockhart! Who are you wearing?! Who are you wearing?! Who?!

Calista Flockhart: Gap Kids.

Joan Rivers: Now, normally, I would say you look like a broomstick with nipples, but I’m not gonna say that, because it’s wrong, it’s wrong! I thought you were wonderful at the telethon, so serious!

Calista Flockhart: Thank you. I-I-I-I felt serious. I-i-i-it’s so refreshing for all of us in Hollywood to think outside of ourselves.

Joan Rivers: I know, isn’t it great how we’re not self-obsessed any more! We’re not self-obsessed!

Calista Flockhart: Especially you, Joan.

Joan Rivers: No! You, Calista! Really!

Calista Flockhart: No, no, I-I-I think we’re all changed.

Joan Rivers: We’re not narcissistic anymore!

Calista Flockhart: I know, th-th-that’s all I can think about, is h-h-h-how I’m not narcissistic any more.

Joan Rivers: We’re truly wonderful, we’re just wonderful, wonderful people! Garry Shandling! Garry, how are you?

Garry Shandling: Calista, does my breath smell weird? [ giggles ] Is it me?

Joan Rivers: Garry Shandling, you’re dating Calista Flockhart, which is disgusting! It’s disgusting, it’s horrible, it’s absolutely horrible! But that’s not what tonight is about! Thank you for being here!

Garry Shandling: Is it, is it my breath? [ giggles ] Or is it your breath bouncing off of me? Because I know your breath is weird because you only eat Mrs. Dash! [ giggles ]

Calista Flockhart: Garry, you are embarrassing me!

Joan Rivers: Oh, look who’s here, Della Reese, “Touched By An Angel!” Oh! Oh! Della, now this is dressing down!

Della Reese: Hi, baby.

Joan Rivers: Oh, Della! Listen, I’ve been so cruel to you in the past, but tonight, in the spirit of patriotism, I’m gonna hold my tonuge, shield my eyes, and say you look gorgeous!

Della Reese: Uh, thank you, honey. You know, they told us to dress in busines attire, so I just wrapped my business in a Hefty bag with some electrical tape.

Joan Rivers: And it looks horrible! And by horrible, I mean solemn and appropriate! God bless you, you’re a wonderful, skunk-haired, crazy old woman! God bless you! Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock! It’s Joan Rivers, don’t be frightened, I’m different tonight. Pamela, I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever said about you looking like or being a whore!

Della Reese: Thank you.

Joan Rivers: You both are so wonderfully uninteresting, what have you done?

Pamela Lee: Um.. well.. I had my jugs taken out.. and I’m auctioning them off on eBay for that United Way fund thing.

Kid Rock: I’ll miss that one the most.

Joan Rivers: A couple of true patriots! So patriotic! [ Pamela and Kid french kiss with open mouthes ] Wonderful! And I understand, out of respect, that you did not have sex in the limo on the way over here tonight, that’s so wonderful!

Pamela Lee: No, it just didn’t seem right.

Kid Rock: So we only had oral sex.

Joan Rivers: God bless you both, God bless! Oh! James van der Beek! You’re not nominated, but what a statement, oh! What are you wearing!

James van der Beek: Joan, this is a Hugo Boss suit covered in manure. Dressing down is simply not enough – I sat under a horse. To send a message to the enemy that we will not let them stop us from living our lives as normal.

Joan Rivers: Message sent, back to normalcy! Oh, and look at this – Camryn Manheim! Oh! Oh, Camryn, I love you, everyone loves you, you’re fat and you’re fun!

Camryn Manheim: Joan, I want to tonight express the freedoms we all have as Americans.

Joan Rivers: [ acknowledging the smudges on Camryn’s dress ] Now, are you also in manure?

Camryn Manheim: No, this is chocolate. I’ve been under a lot of stress. Since this thing happened, I’ve just been watching the WE channel and eating Pillsbury frosting.

Joan Rivers: Oh, Camryn, this is driving me crazy! I have so many horrible things that I’m just dying to say to right now! I want to say that you look like a plus-sized Oompa-Loompa, but that’s wrong! It’s wrong! She looks like Lady Godiva after she te the horse, but I can’t say that, and it’s killing me! It’s killing me, oh!

Camryn Manheim: Joan, is your forehead crying?

Joan Rivers: No, that’s where my tear ducts are now! You don’t even want to see where I sneeze! What does it all mean!

Walter Cronkite: Joan, what you do is important to the country –

Joan Rivers: Walter Cronkite! You’re opening the show tonight, please put it all in perspective for me!

Walter Cronkite: Well, Joan, your shallow, vicious remarks are the ultimate expression of free speech. If we suppress you simply on the grounds that you’re a hateful, hatchet-faced bitch, surely they will have beaten us.

Joan Rivers: Walter, your words have given me the courage to say, “You look like an Albino bassett hound in that suit!”

Walter Cronkite: [ chuckles ] That’s my girl!

Joan Rivers: Oh! You look like Bea Arthur had sex with a raisin! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I’d like to address my remarks tonight to Mr. Osama bin Laden.

Buddy, you screwed up big time. Guess what, Amigo. I’m coming to get you. I’m not alone, either. The American people are right behind me. You see, you made a big mistake. If you had any brains, you would have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or maybe a Beard-Off. You might have won that because I don’t have a beard. And when I do, it comes in patchy. But no, you messed up. Because if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s punishing evil-doers. You don’t believe me, there’s over 200 guys in Texas you can ask. Well.. you can’t ask them right now, but you’ll have a chance real soon. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see your face when you went to the Kabul ATM to get some Quick-Cash. I bet it said “Insufficient Funds”. That’s right – we froze your assets. It probably ate your card, too.

Make no mistake: we’re coming for you, bin Laden. I’m gonna make you my own personal “Where’s Waldo”. And unlike those frustrating Waldo books, I’m gonna find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow. There might be special operatives outside your cave right now, who knows? Just remember, I’ll see you real soon. Because you violated rule Numero Uno: You messed with Texas. That’s right. Don’t mess with Texas.

I just want to say thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Paula Zahn…..Amy Poehler
Guitar Guy 1…..Jimmy Fallon

Antonio Banderas: Hello.I’m Antonio Banderas. I am-actor. Welcome to the– How do say?– ah yes- show. This is my first show back, in several weeks.When the network asked me to come back to work, i did not know how to do the response.and with all this crazy stuff going around and trying to catch the evil, evil Dalai lama– In my head i think to myself how can i be this sexy?.I look the sexy, but i don’t feel the sexy.

Guitar guy 1: Sexy, you are sexy my friend, you are so the sexy.Guitar guy 2>Completely sexy.

Antonio Banderas: This is true. But before – before we continues, i must get together something off my very, very sexy chest.– I am not a military coup.But i know from playing the Zorro’s, that Zorro’s always believed that you look your enemy in the eye, you wear a mask, but you look in the eye and you make a “Z”, and you wqear a black blouse and a cape. This is what you must do.

Guitar guy1: Very sexy.

Antonio Banderas: Si. But for now we are going to change the show a little bit. We are going to talk to the peoples who do the hard news. Please welcome from the CNN-N-N-N-N news, The Paul Zahn.(Antonio Banderas stands up)

Antonio Banderas: Thank you for coming on this very not-sexy episode of me.

Paula Zahn: It’s a pleasure Antonio.

Antonio Banderas: No, Please, Thank You. Now i’ve been doing the research here for this thing. I read a — How do you say?– ah yes– Book. I also rented the “Rambo 2”, the “Private Benjamin”, the “Kramer versus Kramer”, “The Goonies” and “Zorro” for refreshment.

Antonio Banderas: (raises his hand) Question.

Paula Zahn: Ah, yes.

Antonio Banderas: How would you catch this terrible, terrible Dalai Lamas?

Paula Zahn: Well, Antonio I don’t believe you’re thinking of the Dalai Lama, but the fact is, this is going to be a long-term process. The military has been in—

Antonio Banderas: Wait a minutes here, hold your phones. I can’t help but notice your short skirt barely concealing your friendly wolf blitzers.

Paula Zahn: What are you talking about?

Antonio Banderas: I think i’m feeling the sexy.It’s getting hot in here, no?

Guitar guy 1: No, no don’t do it, it’s too sexy my friend, don’t do it.

Antonio Banderas: You’re right, it’s not time for a sexy

Paula Zahn: Now Donald Rumsfeld said..

Antonio Banderas: (stands up) But i must! (Opens his shirt)Ha!

Antonio Banderas: I’m sorry . Let’s talk about this. How do you say? oops. (Drops a book on the floor), I’m sorry could you please possibly pick that up for me?

Paula Zahn: Sure, I’ll get that for you.(stands up, and bends)

Antonio Banderas: Thank you very much. Freeze. Let me just take a mental polaroid of you. Click!, zzzzzch, ah, it came out to blury. One more.

Paula Zahn: (stands up) Did you just take a picture of my ass?. i am a journalist. Im a CNN anchor. I deal with Power Breakers and Dignitaries everyday. If i wanna be treated like a blonde piece of meat then i should have stayed at Fox News. You are ill-informed, sweaty and you stink like astro-glide and aftershave.

Antonio Banderas: (smiles) hahaha. It is very hot in here ,no?

Guitar guy 1: No, No, don’t do it , it’s too sexy, not today, manana,manana,not today

Antonio Banderas: Are you sure?, Not today?, Today?

Guitar guy 1: Please. There are children at home.

Antonio Banderas: But I must (takes off his shirt)(grabs Paula and hugs her)- Now is the time I give you 2 minutes and i give you the sex.

Paula Zahn: Freak!

Antonio Banderas: But I rented “The Goonies”! (Paula kicks Antonio)- I think i just coughed up my nards.

Guitar guy1: Cough up your nards, too sexy my friend, you’re too sexy.

Antonio Banderas: She’ll be back. For Paula Zahn, she’s like the Laverne, and I.. I’m like a Shirley. And together we will Schlemizl, Schlamazels and then we will have the sex incorporated, but you know what I’m saying. We will see you next time on the– How do you say?– ah yes!. Show.

Submitted by: Mayra

SNL Transcripts