Month: October 2018

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers
…..Derek Jeter

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Zohra Daoud, the only woman ever to hold the title Miss Afghanistan, spoke at a conference in New York this week on the future of Afghan women. She addressed the crowd only briefly, saying, “My name is Zohra Daoud, I’m from Mazar-i-Sharif, and I believe all woman should be able to read a book without having a rock thrown at them!

Despite still being #1 in the ratings in the morning, “The Today Show”‘s ratings are slipping. According to Nielsen statistics, the ratings have declined ever since they started the new segment: Naked Weather.

The 7-11 chain is considering opening a store in New York’s Times Square, which completely changes the meaning of going to Times Square to get a Slurpee.

Two days before Britney Spears’ HBO concert from Las Vegas, someone broke into her dressing room and stole the white, Elvis-inspired jumpsuit that she wore to promote the event. And you know what, I’m not giving it back! I keep it now, it’s mine!

British rock fans have voted U2’s The Joshua Tree as the best album of all time. Voted worst album? Terry Btadshaw’s Calypso Christmas.

In a recent interview, 15-year-old British opera star Charlotte Church said that New Yorkers are being overdramatic about the attacks of 9/11, and that firefighters are being treated like stars, which she “just doesn’t agree with.” But don’t be too hard on Charlotte, because she’s only 15, and when she grows up, she’s gonna be fat!

Tina Fey: Earlier this week, the L.A. Police Department searched the home of Paul Reubens, better known as Pee Wee Herman, and confiscated his collection of vintage erotica, which included paintings and photographs. Let me understand this – now Pee Wee Herman can’t even masturbate in his own house? Where would America be comfortable with Pee Wee masturbating? Do you want him to go to a sterile room in a hospital, or like the Space Shuttle? Should he buy a mobile home and bury it under the ground? Just tell us, and we’ll pass the information onto him, because, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from working with all of these guys, he’s not gonna stop doing it! It’s true. Men masturbate all the time! Right, Jimmy? Back to you.

Jimmy Fallon: Rarely.. if ever.

Hoping to get people to go to museums again, New York City has started a new ad campaign called “I Love New York Culture”. But if they want me to go back to museums, they should name the campaign “Sorry We Yelled At You For Touching Stuff, Jimmy Fallon.”

China announced this week that it hopes to land a man on the moon by 2005, after this year’s successful launch of the Shenzou rocket which contains a monkey, a dog, a rabbit and snails. Or, as the Chinese call it, #36 with rice.

The Brazilian city of Esperantina has announced that Orgasm Day will be celebrated on May 9. They hope you come.

It has been reported that papal officials have deemed Elton John “too gay” to perform at the Vatican’s Christmas bash. Not too surtprising, considering Elton was also deemed too gay to perform at Steve Kmetko’s New Year’s Fondue Party.

Tina Fey: Now it’s time for an old favorite here at “Weekend Update” – “Point/Counterpoint”. Here to debate tonight are Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and Boston Red Sox fan Seth Meyers. Tonight’s topic on “Point/Counterpoint”: “Derek Jeter Sucks” – “No, I Don’t”. Derek, why don’t we start with you.

Derek Jeter: Thanks, Tina. I know my friend Seth Meyers here is a Red Sox fan, and that’s great. The fan really are what keep Major League baseball going. But I hope Seth can see that I play hard all the time, and I always do my best for the team.

Tina Fey: Seth, Counterpoint?

Seth Meyers: You suck!

Tina Fey: Seth, you still have, like, thirty seconds.

Seth Meyers: I’ll elaborate. Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So Hard, So Bad, and Wicked Bad.

Tina Fey: Derek? Response?

Derek Jeter: Well, I’ve heard this argument before, Seth. In fact, Red Sox fans have been nice enough to share this argument with me every time I play in Boston. Or walk in Boston. Or go on a date in a fancy restaurant in Boston. Also, sometimes they drive to Baltimore, when we play the Orioles, to tell me I suck. [ Seth starts chanting “Der-ek!” in Derek’s ear ] But if you look at my numbers, you’ll find that I’m a very productive shortshop. Seth, what are you doing? You’ve been following me around all week screaming at me.

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, Derek.. really.. I really am. It’s just you and people like you ruined my entire childhood. So I swore if I ever got within six feet of a real Yankee, I’d kick his ass. But then I saw you.. and I knew that that could not happen. But, thankfully, this can happen – You suck!

Derek Jeter: Seth, I don’t suck. I’ve won four World Series rings in six years.

Seth Meyers: Valid point. But if there was a World Series of sucking, you’d have, like, a hundred rings!

Derek Jeter: What?! Alright, look.. Nomar Garciaparr’s a great player. Is it okay to say he sucks?

Seth Meyers: [ aghast ] What.. did you say..?

Derek Jeter: I don’t think he sucks, I’m trying to prove a point!

Seth Meyers: [ crying ] Well, why would you say that..? You said that Nomar.. he has a broken wrist.. and he’s so nice.. and he’s like my best friend..!

Derek Jeter: Seth, Seth.. I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

Seth Meyers: Will you come play for Boston?

Derek Jeter: No. No.

Seth Meyers: Then, sign my hat?

Derek Jeter: Sure, man, no problem.

Seth Meyers: Will you sign it as Nomar?

Derek Jeter: Whatever.. whatever.. [ signs the hat ]

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Derek. You know, you don’t suck.

Derek Jeter: Thanks, Seth. You do suck, a little.

Seth Meyers: I know.. I know..

Tina Fey: This has been “Point/Counterpoint”.

Jimmy Fallon: Finally, we’re all saddened by the news this week that Beatle George Harrison has passed away.

Tina Fey: As we say good night, we’d like to leave you with one of our memories of him.

Jimmy Fallon: In 1976, on this stage, Lorne Michaels offered The Beatles $3,000 to appear on this show. George Harrison showed up.

[ dissolve to clip from Paul Simon Worries ]

Lorne Michaels: You just have to have confidence when you go up there. Believe me, it’ll work.

Paul Simon: I hope you’re right..

Lorne Michaels: You believe me?

Paul Simon: I don’t believe you, but I hope you’re right.

Lorne Michaels: It’ll be great, you’d better change.

Paul Simon: I hope you are right, Lorne.. [ exits hall ]

George Harrison: Fine, I’ll tell you one thing, you ought to get in straigt in the future, you know..?

Lorne Michaels: If you don’t go on tonight, it’ll break his heart. You see, I thought that you would understand, you know, that it was $3,000 for four people, that it would just be $750 for each of you. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, I mean, you could have the full $3,000. But the network..

George Harrison: It’s pretty chincy..

[ dissolve to George Harrison and Paul Simon singing the chorus from “Here Comes The Sun” ]

[ dissolve to still shot of George Harrison as he’d delivered the line “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Dealing with Mom & Dad

Mom…..Ana Gasteyer
Patrick…..Chris Kattan
Bridget…..Amy Poehler
Dad…..Will Ferrell
…..Derek Jeter
Seth…..Seth Meyers
Justin…..Jimmy Fallon

Singers: (singing over footage)
“There’s already too much to deal with
With school and a sister that drives you mad
But the hardest part of being swell
Is dealing with your mom and dad
Dealing with Mom & Dad!”

[Patrick enters the house, Mom rushes out to greet him]

Mom: How’d the game go today, Patrick?

Patrick: Don’t ask.

Bridget: Sounds like he struck out every time!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget, be nice.

Patrick: Besides, I screwed up so bad last week that they wouldn’t even let me play.

Mom: Oh, it’s okay, honey. Do you want some marshmallow squares?

Patrick: No, thanks, I’d probably screw that up too.

[Dad comes in the door]

Mom: Gary! You’re home early!

Dad: Well, I’ve got a client in the car and I just stopped by to pick up some important papers. [to Patrick] How’d the game go, champ?

Patrick: It didn’t.

Bridget: They wouldn’t let him play because he stinks! P.U.!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget!

Dad: Maybe I can help…

Patrick: Nothing personal, Dad, but you know about marketing, not baseball.

Dad: Oh, really? [opens the door for Derek] Patrick, Bridget, say hello to my friend, Derek Jeter!

Derek Jeter: [enters the house] Hey kids!

Bridget: Oh my god! If I was fifteen, I would SO have sex with you!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget!

Dad: Derek, I was just wondering if you could give Patrick some baseball tips.

Derek Jeter: Sure, what seems to be the problem?

Patrick: All the kids hate me, ‘cause last time I played, I struck out three times.

Derek Jeter: Don’t worry, I’ve done that lots of times. We’ll go out in the yard and I’ll see if I can give you some pointers.

Patrick: [enthusiastic] Cool!

[they exit]

Mom: I didn’t know you knew Derek Jeter.

Dad: Well, I do, and I think this is the confidence builder Patrick needs.

[Derek and Patrick enter]

Dad: Well, that was quick!

Derek Jeter: [apologetic] Hey man, your kid sucks.

Mom: You weren’t out there very long!

Derek Jeter: Trust me, I can’t help him. [To Dad] Let’s go, Gary.

Dad: Wait! He…he can’t be that bad!

Derek Jeter: I’ve never seen anyone worse and I work with blind kids.

Dad: Ouch! That bad, huh?

Derek Jeter: Has he even seen a baseball before? Was he brought up in Europe or something.

Dad: Listen, Derek, all the other kids pick on him. Can’t you help him?

Derek Jeter: You know what, I can’t help him. Come here kid. [To Patrick] Don’t play baseball, ‘cause you suck! Now let’s roll, Gary!

Dad: I guess we have to go.

Mom: Gary! Do something!

Patrick: No mom, he’s right. I’m crummy! I guess I’d better get used to all those kids making fun of me.

Derek Jeter: Aw, heck, I don’t usually do this, but I guess I could show you my secret technique, but it’s not easy.

Patrick: I’ll work really, really hard, Mr. Jeter!

Derek Jeter: Then maybe, just maybe, we can pull this off.

[they exit]

Mom: Oh, I hope he can help!

Dad: He will!

Mom: You think so?

Dad: I think he will!

Mom: Oh, honey! [they embrace]

[Cut to the benches at a baseball game]

Patrick: [approaching a group of boys with Derek] Hey fellas! Mind if I play?

Seth: The girls are playing on the other field.

Justin: Yeah, we don’t pitch underhand here.

Derek Jeter: Why don’t you give him a chance?

Justin: Wow, Derek Jeter! Yeah, whatever you say, it’s okay with me!

Derek Jeter: [to Patrick] Remember the secret technique. Now, go get ‘em, slugger!

Patrick: Okay, Mr. Jeter.

[Patrick starts hitting the boys with his bat]

Derek Jeter: Wait…you have to keep the back part down…

[Patrick continues to hit until a police siren interrupts him.]

Patrick: That’s the cops! We’d better get outta here!

Derek Jeter: Don’t worry. If they catch us, I’ll just get Steinburg to pay them off again!

Patrick: Right. Mr. Jeter, thanks for helping me.

Derek Jeter: My pleasure. You’re a good kid, Patrick, never forget that!

Patrick: I won’t.

[Derek begins hitting the boys]

[Cut to Patrick and Dad in the living room]

Dad: …and then Derek swung the aluminum bat into Justin’s spine? [laughs] That’s priceless!

Patrick: It was funny! I like baseball!

Dad: Sounds like you learned a lot from Mr. Jeter.

Patrick: I sure did. He taught me that if you can’t join ‘em…beat ‘em!

Announcer: Next time, on Dealing with Mom and Dad…

[footage is shown with credits]

Patrick: [anxious] I…I…I’m not sure I’m…

Derek Jeter: You got the matches?

Patrick: I don’t know if we should do this or not.

Derek Jeter: Remember, she’s the one who broke up with you, so she deserves it.

Patrick: I guess you’re right.

Announcer: That’s next time!

[fade]

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 1345

“As the circus clown came at me with the knife, I had to laugh, because it was a pretty funny outfit.”

SNL Transcripts

01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Fox News: Blake Murder Mystery

Shepard Smith…..Will Ferrell
Linda Vester…..Ana Gasteyer
Frank Wilburn…..Chris Parnell
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
Viewer on Phone…..Jimmy Fallon

Linda Vester: Welcome back to Fox News’ continuing coverage of the Robert Blake murder case. Robert Blake arrested on Thursday in Los Angeles, for the May 2001 shooting of his wife.

Shepard Smith: Fox, of course, broke the story. Blake, a former child star, was married to Bonny Bakley, a known con artist and shady character in her own right. It’s pretty great stuff, and we’re really excited!

Linda Vester: Here’s some footage of Blake being driven to the L.A. Police Processing Center!

[ shows footage of white vehicle with police escort ]

Shepard Smith: Yeaahhhh! Does that look familiar, everybody? White car on the L.A. Freeway, y’all!

Linda Vester: This is awesome! This is awesome! Now we go to our friend and celebrity scandal expert, Frank Wilburn.

Frank Wilburn: Hi, Linda.

Linda Vester: Hi, Frank! It’s so good to see you again!

Frank Wilburn: I know! It’s good to be talking about something other than this terrorism stuff.

Linda Vester: Oh, I know! Ugh! Eugh!

Frank Wilburn: [ chuckles ] I hate that stuff!

Linda Vester: I know.

Shepard Smith: Hi, Frank!

Frank Wilburn: You, I’m not even talking to you!

[ they laugh at their inside joke ]

Shepard Smith: So, Frank – a woman shot in the head, what have we got here? Is this gonna be another O.J. media circus?

Frank Wilburn: Okay, here’s why it’s not O.J. 1, Blake’s not that famous; 2, you don’t have the whole race thing, which is a big minus, that’s gonna hurt him; 3, the L.A.P.D. are determined not to screw this up. [ laughs ] Good luck, guys! But here’s what good about it. 1, Mr. Baretta was in a lot of movies where he played killers, now how freaky is that? And 2, we’re talking death penalty, okay!

Shepard Smith: Awesome!

Linda Vester: Super cool! Thanks, Frank! [ getting a sigal from her producer offstage ] No! Really? Alright.. Our producers are saying we have to step away from the story for breaking news from Geraldo Rivera, who’s live in Lebanon. Geraldo, are you there?

Geraldo Rivera: Hi, everybody, as you know I’m here on the Lebanon-Israelin border, uhhh.. I don’t have any actual breaking points, but I just wanted to get a piece of this Robert Blake story, uhhh…

Shepard Smith: You dog!

Geraldo Rivera: It’s a sad, sorry tale, uhhh.. little Bobby Blake, uh.. once the beloved star of the “Our Gang” comedies, uh.. of course, now to stand trial as a dastardly wife-shooter!

Shepard Smith: Geraldo, how psyched are you?

Geraldo Rivera: I’m filled with a journalistic excitement, uhhh.. my moustache is tingling.. my Tour of Terror tossed aside, uhhh… without a second thought, uhh.. like a long-time wife. Robert Blake calls to mind another celebrity villain, uhhh.. the very, very guilty and horrrendously dasterdly O.J. Simpson. Perhaps the guiltiest man of all time, the rogue who terrorized the streets of Brentwood until he was single-handedly apprehended by me, Geraldo Rivera. And, of course, Blake’s victim, Bonny Bakley, this sorry, sorry woman looking for all the world like a hardened care-worn, 48-year-old Jon Benet Ramsey. Needless to say, this trial interests me tremendously. I will leave no stone unturned in the pursuit of justice, uhhh.. I say this to Mr. Blake, if you are watching – Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Don’t do it. And.. [ singing from the “Baretta” theme song ] ..“Keep your eye on the sparrow!” Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.

Linda Vester: Geraldo Rivera, pretty jazzed up in Lebanon!

Shepard Smith: Yes, absolutely! Very jazzed up. You’re watching Fox News’ continuing coverage of the Blake murder trial!

[ sound effect: gunshots followed by voice saying, “You little rascal!” ]

[ Shepard and Linda laugh ]

Shepard Smith: That’s our new sound bite! Hit that thing again!

[ sound effect: gunshots followed by voice saying, “You little rascal!” ]

Shepard Smith: I love it! I love it! Hey! Show that picture of Blake, and let’s do it again!

[ show picture of Robert Blake ]

[ sound effect: gunshots followed by voice saying, “You little rascal!” ]

Linda Vester: Perfect! [ laughs ]

Shepard Smith: This is full-tilt, balls-out journalism!

Linda Vester: It’s time for our Fox News Poll of the Day – Will the Blake murder trial turn into another O.J. Simpson style media circus? On the phone is Chuck from Ohio. Chuck, what do you think – media circus?

Viewer on Phone: Yeah! That guy better get Johnny Cochran for his lawyer, right?

Linda Vester: [ laughs ] Good one!

Viewer on Phone: That guy should get Johnny Cochran!

Shepard Smith: Yeah.

Viewer on Phone: He should get Johnny Cochran! For his lawyer!

Shepard Smith: Okay. Okay. Keep watching Fox News.

Linda Vester: Our next guest should certainly be able to shed some light on this case. He’s Fred, the bird from “Baretta”.

[ Shepard pulls up a cage with a cockatoo inside ]

Shepard Smith: Now, this is not the actual bird from “Baretta”, because that bird died several years ago.

Linda Vester: Possibly by Robert Blake’s hand. We don’t know, that’s not substantiated. But this is that bird’s bird nephew. Bird, what do you make of this? Is the trial gonna be a media circus?

Bird: Bird say.. [ squawk ] ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ squawk ]

SNL Transcripts

01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Voice Mail

Tom…..Chris Parnell
Larry…..Alec Baldwin
Vicky…..Ana Gasteyer
Stephanie…..Amy Poehler
Co-Worker #1…..Horaio Sanz
Co-Worker #2…..Dean Edwards
Co-Worker #3…..Jeff Richards

[ open on Tom entering newly-promoted Larry’s new office ]

Tom: Larry! Hey, congratulations on the promotion, it’s about time the company threw you a bone!

Larry: Thanks, Tom.

Tom: Well, your new office seems ready to go. All you need to do is set up your voice mail.

Larry: Great!

Tom: Way to go, Larry!

[ Tom exits ]

Larry: [ checks his phone so he can record his voice mail message ] Ahhh.. okay.. let’s see.. let’s get this voice mail thing going..

Voice Mail System: Welcome to Telex Voice Mail Systems. To record your outgoing message, press 1. [ Larry presses 1 ] Please record your outgoing message at the tone. [ beep ]

Larry’s Message: This is Larry Henderson. I’m not at my desk. Please leave a message.

Voice Mail System: To review your message, press 2.

[ Larry presses 2 ]

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, but sounds gay ] This is Larry Henderson. I’m not at my desk. Please leave a message.

Larry: [ shocked by the sound of his own voice ] Geez.. let me try this one again.. re-records his message, speaking more clearly this time ] Hi, you’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so please leave a message.

Voice Mail System: To review your message, press 2.

[ Larry presses 2 ]

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, sounding more flamboyant than before ] Hi! You’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so pleeeeease leave a message, okay?

Larry: [ stunned ] Hey, Vicky!

[ Vicky enters ]

Vicky: Yeah, Larry?

Larry: Smething is wrong with this voice mail. Listen to this. [ presses button ]

Larry’s Message: Hi! You’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so pleeeeease leave a message, okay?

Larry: You see? I-I-I.. I don’t sound like that!

Vicky: No. That’s how you sound. [ exits ]

Larry: [ dumbfounded ] Thanks, Vicky. [ re-records his message, but forcing his voice to sound deep and rough ] Hi, this is Larry Henderson! Leave a message! Thanks!

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, complete with background music ] Hi, this Lawrence H., I’m not here. Why is your tired ass calling me, anyway? Oh, well! Leave a message, and it best not be shady! Thanks, girl!

Larry: [ outraged ] I didn’t say ANY of that! And WHY is Kylie Monogue playing in the background?! And HOW do I know who Kylie Minogue IS?! [ re-records message, quickly ] This is Larry, I’m not here, call me back!

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats ] It’s Larry, I’m out – big surprise! Hel-loooo!

[ Larrry’s wife Stephanie enters ]

Stephanie: Hey, honey! I just thought I’d drop by and see if you want to go out to lunch.

[ Larry grabs Stephanie and gives her a big kiss ]

Stephanie: Oh! What are you doing?

Larry: Stephanie, watch this! [ re-records message ] Hi, it’s Larry, I’m not here!

Larry’s Message: [ message plays back ] Hi! Miss Larry St. Marie is definitely not at her perch!

Stephanie: [ confused ] What about it?

Larry: I sound totally different!

Stephanie: It sounds just like you, honey.

Larry: That sounds just like me?!

Stephanie: Baby, you have a very femmy voice.

Larry: Well, couldn’t someone have told me that before I got a job at a drainage pipe distribution company?!!

[ three Male Co-Workers enter Larry’s office ]

Co-Worker #1: Hey, Larry. Just wanted to drop by and says, “Congrats!”

Larry: Hey, guys.. Have you met my wife? Stephanie?

Co-Worker #1: [ surprised ] No.. we-we thought maybe she was your sister, and you guys were really close.

Co-Worker #2: [ stifling a laugh ] I thought it might be your old roommate from college.

Co-Worker #3: Hey, I thought it might be your, um.. beard!

Larry: No! It’s my wife! The same wife with whom I happily laid my weight upon and created seven children!

Stephanie: Honey, we only have three children..

Larry: Cool it, Stephanie.

Co-Worker #2: We hear you.

Co-Worker #3: It’s all good!

Co-Worker #1: Hey, uh.. by the way, Lar.. as a gift for your new promotion, we got you a little surprise.

[ gay male stripper enters Larry’s office, and begins stripping to Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Relax” ]

Stephanie: Come on, honey! It’s your promotion! Loosen up, enjoy it!

Larry: Everybody, out!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Osama Pep Talk

Rachmed…..Horatio Sanz
Osama bin Laden…..Will Ferrell
Fighter #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Fighter #2…..Seth Meyers

Rachmed: Osama? It’s confirmed. The Northern Alliance has control of Kunduz. Also, we have lost fifteen of our vehicles outside of Kandahar. The men are becoming despondent.

Osama bin Laden: Don’t worry. Everything is going to be okay. I’ll just give these guys a little pep talk, alright? Gather everyone around.

Rachmed: Okay, everyone, gather around! Osama wants to talk to you!

Osama bin Laden: Loyal brothers of the Taliban.. [ microphone shrills ] Oh! Hot mike! Hot mike! I kid! I kid! I open with a little joke! It doesn’t say in the Koran we can’t joke!

Fighter #1: Yes, it does.

Osama bin Laden: Okay. Okay. Sorry, sorry. Look, I’m not going to lie to you. We lost Kunduz, and it looks like the Northern Alliance is tearing us a new one.

Fighter #1: You can say that again, brother! We’re screwed!

Osama bin Laden: Okay. Guys. Stop helping! Okay. Listen up. Sure, they’ve taken all of our strongholds, and reclaimed 90% of the country. But that’s part of the plan!

Fighter #1: That sounds like a not very good plan!

Osama bin Laden: I mean it! Stop doing that, guy! I tell you, this plan is good. Because their armies are getting overconfident.. and then they will sneak in.. and we will give them the old one-two! Am I right? Rachmed, help me out. Am I right?

Rachmed: Hell yeah, you’re right! We’re behind you! Death to the Infidels!

Taliban: Death to the Infidels!

Rachmed: We will not be happy until the Holy Land is rid of the Great Satan! Death to the Infidels!

Taliban: Death to the Infidels!

Rachmed: We cannot be tempted with a $25 million reward! Death to the Infidels!

Taliban: Death to the Infidels!

Fighter #1: Wha..? How much money?

Rachmed: $25 million!

Osama bin Laden: Okay, Rachmed, please.. easy.. easy..

Fighter #1: Is that Afghani dollars?

Rachmed: No! Are you crazy!

Fighter #1: Saudi dollar?

Rachmed: No! American dollars! The sweet, long green, my friend! But we won’t be tempted with money!

Osama bin Laden: You know what, I’ll take it from here!

Fighter #1: Hey, what exactly do we have to do for the money?

Osama bin Laden: It’s too complicated to explain!

Fighter #1: No, we’re willing to listen! Aren’t we!

Fighter #2: $25 million? You’ve got my ear! How do we get it!

Osama bin Laden: [ stalling ] I’m.. not even sure how it works..

Rachmed: Boss, it’s simple! I’ll explain! It’s a $25 million bounty on Osama’s head! Cash on the barrel! Okay? No questions asked! But.. we don’t care about that.

Osama bin Laden: Rachmed, please. Go check on the goats.

Rachmed: The goats are fine. I checked them earlier. So.. $25 million –

Osama bin Laden: Alright, super. Now, back to the plan.

Fighter #1: Hold on.. if Osama turns himself in, we get $25 million.

Rachmed: Don’t be stupid! He doesn’t have to turn himself in. You bring him in – dead or alive! They give you the money!

Osama bin Laden: Trust me, trust me.. $25 million is not worth selling out your beliefs!

Rachmed: Listen to him, he knows what he’s talking about! He’s got $25 million big ones, unlike you people!

Osama bin Laden: Listen.. you know what? You’re not helping! You’re not helping! [ Taliban discusses it amongst themselves ] Now come on, guys, you don’t want that money. It won’t buy you happiness.

Fighter #1: We can at least get a better place to live than this cave!

Osama bin Laden: What are you talking about? It’s cool to live in a cave. Batman lives in a cave!

Fighter #1: No, he didn’t! Batman lived in a mansion above the cave! With a butler!

Osama bin Laden: No, I know. I know the show, I’m not stupid! Listen, you get me off track. Please. I was trying to tell you my strategy for winning the war. Now, where was I?

Rachmed: You were saying how you are a millionaire, and all these people eat dirt.

Osama bin Laden: I was not saying that!

Fighter #1: I was saying that, yes.

Rachmed: Oh, yeah yeah! Sorry, Boss. You were saying how the Northern Allinace, along with the Americans, are giving us a royal ass-kicking, and that, somehow, this is a good thing. Continue.

Osama bin Laden: Okay, Rachmed, sit down, please.

Rachmed: I’ve got your back, man!

Osama bin Laden: Sit down!

Fighter #1: What about the $20 million?

Rachmed: It’s $25 million, you pig! Don’t sell my man bin Laden short, man, come on!

[ the Taliban get out of control ]

Osama bin Laden: Everybody, calm down! Please! Please! Listen.. I was holding this off until later, but.. [ holds up videotape ] ..I’ve got a bootleg copy of “Harry Potter”. You can go in my room and watch it. I’ve got a VCR, there’s a keg in there, have some beer.. Me and Rachmed have some planning to do. So, remember, keep up the good fight, death to the Infidels, all that good stuff.. Tthat’s all for now.

[ Taliban exits, Osama and Rachmed sit on a rock ]

Rachmed: That didn’t go that bad.

Osama bin Laden: [ sarcastic ] You were a big help! A big help!

Rachmed: Okay, where to now, Boss?

Osama bin Laden: Out the back of this cave, dum-dum, where do you think? Do you have my razor, by the way?

Rachmed: Yeah, I got your razor..

[ they exit to the back of the cave ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Derek Jeter’s Monologue

…..Derek Jeter
Female Audience Member…..Paula Pell

Derek Jeter: Welcome to the show, my name is Derek Jeter! For those of you who may not know, I play baseball for a living. More specifically, I play shortshop for the New York Yankees. The Yankees have won three World Championships over the past three years, and this year we would have won a fourth, but the other team came from behind and beat us in the ninth, which you shouldn’t be allowed to do.

But, despite all the success we’ve had, there’s one thing I’ve never forgotten – it’s the fans that put us on top. Tonight, I’d like to give just a little something to the Yankees fans who have given us so much over the years. Let me ask you – what’s the one thing a baseball fan wants mroe than anything? [ audience members shout out a few answers ] It’s to be sitting in the stands and to catch a foul ball. So, tonight, I’d like to give the baseball fans right here in “Saturday Night Live”‘s grandstands the opportunity to catch a real major league ball. You guys ready?

[ Jeter hits a baseball into the audience, which smacks into a male audience member’s forehead ]

[ Jeter’s second baseball bounces off of a female audience’s members knee, putting her in pain ]

Derek Jeter: Here you go!

[ he smacks a baseball into the audience, which bounces off a second female audience member’s nose ]

Female Audience Member: Ow! My nose! Ow-w-w.. [ blood pours from her face ]

Derek Jeter: How about up there!

[ he smacks another baseball, which smashes into some overhead lights ]

Derek Jeter: I’m just getting warmed up!

[ a series of baseballs repeatedly hit a male audience member who attempts to flee from the studio, but he ends up falling down and throwing up instead ]

Derek Jeter: Here comes one!

[ Jeter smacks a ball into the cue card guy, who drops all his cue cards on the floor ]

[ Jeter smacks a ball into the stands, where an excited audience members lunges over the balcony in an attempt to catch the ball. He misses and falls to the floor instead. ]

[ Jeter swings at a baseball, but misses and accidentally sends the bat flying into the audience. It impales the chest of a man sitting in the front row. ]

Derek Jeter: You can keep that bat, sir, as a souvenier. It’s okay, there’s no need to thank me. As I said, it’s I who should be thanking you. As soon as I get another bat, I’ll knock the rest of these balls into the audience. You folks at home stick around, we’ve got Shakira, Bubba Sparxxx, we’ll be right back!

[ Jeter smacks a baseball into the camera, cracking the lens ]

SNL Transcripts

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Baseball Wives

Shanice Clemens…..Rachel Dratch
Clarice Knoblauch…..Amy Poehler
Felice Rivera…..Maya Rudolph
Patrice Williams…..Ana Gasteyer
Candy Soriano…..Derek Jeter
Skank #1…..David Cone
Skank #2…..David Wells

[ open on Yankee Stadium, the wives of the Yankees watching the game with passionate interest ]

Shanice Clemens: Come on, Baby, strike him out! Come on!

Clarice Knoblauch: Come on, Roger! Let’s go, Roger!

Shanice Clemens: Oh no! Y’all, my husband’s giving off base hits like crazy!

Clarice Knoblauch: I feel for you, Shanice. When Chuck has a bad game, he makes me sleep out in the yard, because he thinks I’m a jinx. Right, Felice?

Felice Rivera: Strike! Ball! Hit!

Clarice Knoblauch: She’s cute! She’s darling.

[ Patrice Williams and Candy Soreano enter scene ]

Patrice Williams: You guys, we got a new Yankee wife!

Candy Soriano: Hi, it’s so nice to meet you!

Patrice Williams: This is Candy Soriano, come on, sit down. [ they sit ] Alright, as you know, I’m Bernie Williams’ wife, Patrice. This is Chuck Knoblauch’s wife, Clarice. This is Roger Clemens’ wife, Shanice. And that’s Mariano Rivera’s wife, Felice.

Felice Rivera: Get out!

Candy Soriano: Nice to meet you.

Shanice Clemens: Oh, Strike 3, way to go, honey!

[ they cheer ]

Candy Soriano: I didn’t know all the wives sat together.

Shanice Clemens: Oh yeah, honey, we always sit here! We call it the cowpen, because it’s a ladies bullpen!

Clarice Knoblauch: We have the best view of the game, and we can keep an eye on the female fans to make sure they don’t get too close to our husbands. Because I will kill them. I’ve dedicated fourteen years to this marriage, and I’m not gonna let some bleacher slut –

Patrice Williams: Okay Clarice, let’s not spiral!

Shanice Clemens: So, tell us, how did you and Alfonso meet?

Candy Soriano: It’s the cutest, sweetest stoy, you guys! I was at Senor Phrogg’s in Jamaica, and Alfonso was juding a bikini contest I was in. And I went up to him, and I was like, “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.” And he was like, “You’re just saying that because I play for the Yankees.” And I was like, “You’re right, I am!” And we fell in love. So, how did you meet Roger?

Shanice Clemens: Oh, Roger? He was in an anger management class that I was teaching. Patrice, how did you meet Bernie?

Patrice Williams: Oh, Bernie was performing in a classical guitar recital in the Berkshires, and I was his pageturner. We’ve been making beautiful music ever since.

Clarice Knoblauch: Chuck and I met in high school. We’ve been together fourteen years. You know, I tell him, “You can be traded, but you can’t trade your wife.” [ laughs ] “Just because you’ve got four championship rings doesn’t mean you can have sex with a waitress!”

Patrice Williams: Clarice, no one wants to have sex with Chuck Knoblauch!

Shanice Clemens: How did you meet Mariano, Felice?

Felice Rivera: Line drive! Hot dog! Ball 4!

[ offscreen, Tino Martinez makes a hit ]

Candy Soriano: God, I know I shouldn’t say this, but I think Tino Martinez is super-foxy, girl!

Patrice Williams: I don’t know.. his wife tells me there’s not much to work with.

Shanice Clemens: Y’all, Tino is teeny!

Candy Soriano: I don’t believe that, ’cause I’ve studied that bulge!

Patrice Williams: You know, Jeter is the cute one, Jeter is where it’s at!

[ they all agree, except for Candy ]

Candy Soriano: Mmm.. no.. Jeter does not do it for me. He looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet.

Patrice Williams: You’re right, he does! He really does look like that!

Shanice Clemens: So, Clarice, how’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Clarice Knoblauch: Great! How’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Shanice Clemens: Good! Patrice, how’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Patrice Williams: Oh, good! Felice, cómo su cookbook para la caridad está viniendo?

Felice Rivera: Bien, gracias!

Shanice Clemens: Oh, what charity is your cookbook for, Candy?

Candy Soriano: I haven’t written a cookbook for charity.

[ the wives gasp ]

Clarice Knoblauch: Oh.. honey.. people look up to us. Part of our job is to give back to the community by watching these games and making up chili recipes.

Patrice Williams: Uh-oh, Clarice, you’re not gonna like this, but those girls are back again.

Clarice Knoblauch: Which ones? The ones that flash their boobs on the Jumbotron?

Patrice Williams: Mmm-hmm. They’re coming this way.

Clarice Knoblauch: If those skanks try to talk to my Chuck, I will take a bat to their teeth, I swear to God!

[ two Skanks step forward ]

Skank #1: Hello, ladies, your husbands are looking very sexy tonight. I think I’m gonna sleep with them all!

Wives: You shut up!

Skank #2: Aren’t you Alfonso Soriano’s wife?

Candy Soriano: I certainly am.

Skank #2: [ waving men’s underwear ] Well, tell him that he left his tightie-whities under my Tercel last night!

[ and with that, a brawl breaks out between the wives and the skanks, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

The Iglesias Brothers

Enrique…..Jimmy Fallon
Heather…..Rachel Dratch
Julio…..Chris Kattan
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Norberto…..Derek Jeter

[‘The Iglesias Brothers – Muchos Iglesias’ title slide is shown]

Announcer: Muchos Iglesias. It’s the Iglesias Brothers, singing together for you. Enrique Iglesias…

Enrique: [whispering to Heather, who looks lovingly at him while music plays in the background] Let me be your hero.
[singing to Heather]
“Let me be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away.”

Heather: [crying] Oh my god, I would do anything to be Mrs. Heather Iglesias!

Announcer: Recording with his brother, Julio Iglesias Junior…

Julio: [singing to Maya, who is sobbing] Now will you give me just one more chance I’m gonna cherish you this I can give me nothing but one more chance I’m going to make it alright [he runs his finger along her lips] A choo-choo-choo. A choo-choo-choo.

Maya: [sobbing] I will be the woman that I can’t even be for myself…for you!

Announcer: And now for the first time performing with their eldest brother, Norberto Iglesias, with his talk/sing poetry.

Norberto: Came home late and I was asleep in front of the TV. You turned it off, but you didn’t take my glasses off, and now they’re really bent.Thanks, Susan. You really know how to treat a guy.

Announcer: With the never before released Iglesias brothers trio, ‘Tender Side’

Enrique: [singing] Reaching through to your tender side

Julio: [singing] Show me your heart with its angel pride

Enrique & Julio: [singing] Tender side, so…tender

Norberto: When you threw out my magazines in the bathroom, it’s like you’re doing it just despite me, because it’s not like they go bad or something.

Enrique & Julio: [singing] Reaching through to your tender side

Norberto: I gotta level with you, Susan – this just isn’t working out. I just want to give you the heads up that when I move out, I’ll be taking three of our aquariums.

Enrique & Julio: [singing] Reaching through to your tender side…

Announcer: [CD cover is shown] Muchos Iglesias. The two beloved Latin brothers of soul, and the older one with the irregular mole. Available at Tower stores and Iglesias websites everywhere.

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

A Message From Attorney-General John Ashcroft

John Ashcroft…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

John Ashcroft: Good evening, America. In the past several weeks, we’ve made significant advances in the war against terrorists forces in Afghanistan. But it’s important to remember that victory against the Taliban will not mean the end of this conflict. Evildoers everyhere should know the noose is tightening on them, as the 1,100 suspected terroists now in our custody have already found out.

The President’s message is clear – if you harbor terrorists within your borders, you are a terrorist.

If you refuse to freeze the assets of organizations known to aid terrorists, you are a terrorist.

If you traffic in weapons of mass destruction, you are a terrorist.

If the return address on your mail reads “A Cave”.. you just might be a terrorist.

If you have just renewed your subscription to a magazine called “Nerve Gas Weekly”, you just might be a terrorist.

If you have a bumper sticker that says “My Child Is An Honor Student At Osama bin Laden’s Terroist Training Camp”, well there exists the outside chance that you might a terrorist!

[ looks up as President George W. Bush enters ] Mr. President!

President George W. Bush: John, I just wanted to come out here and say that I appreciate you getting my message across. But you’re starting to sound just a little like Jeff Foxworthy.

John Ashcroft: I’m sorry, Mr. President, I’m..

President George W. Bush: Hey, hey, sorry nothing! That’s a good thing! I love that guy! You mind if I give it a try?

John Ashcroft: Oh no, of course not.

President George W. Bush: Hello, America. These are trying times. But defeat is not an option. Make no mistake – we will prevail. And let this be a warning – if you have a really long beard, and hang out in the desert, and are not ZZ Top.. you just might be a terrorist.

If your Christmas cards says, “Season’s Greetings, you’ve got anthrax!” maybe, just maybe, you might be a terrorist.

John Ashcroft: If your idea of getting stoned involves actual stones, I’d say that you should investigate the possibility that you might be a terrorist.

President George W. Bush: That’s a good one! If you are most familiar with me, George W., as a burning mannequin, perchance you could possibly be a terrorist.

John Ashcroft: If your idea of female nudity is showing an excess of forehead, all signs point to your being a terrorist.

President George W. Bush: If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, you just might be a redneck! Sorry, folks, that one kind of got away from me! But you get the point.

In conclusion, there’s only one thing we need to remember – that if it’s 11:30, and you’re not watching Algazeera, you just might be “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts