Month: October 2018

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Tomorrow on “Martha Stewart Living”.

Martha Stewart: Succulent turkey, fluffy mashed potatoes, and savory chestnut dressing. I’m Martha Stewart. This year’s Thanksgiving will be particularly meaningful for all red-blooded, properly documented Americans. Tomorrow on “Living”, I’ll show you how to prepare the perfect harvest feast that combines all the culinary traditions of Thanksgiving with all the pageantry and patriotism of Independence Day. Frankly, the idea of these two holidays rolled into one gives me a giant Martha Boner.

I found these gorgeous antique linen serviettes in my China closet, and embroidered them myself with inspirational sayings, like.. [ holds up serviettes ] ..”God Bless America”, “These Colors Don’t Run”, and “Suck It, Osama!” They really are a charming addition to any Thanksgiving place setting.

Also, my friend Clementine Bryberg will be here to show us how to fashion your tradiotional candied yams into an inspirational bust of Vice-President Dick Cheney. [ holds up dish ] I promise you, these yams are as thick and creamy as the real Dick Cheney.

And don’t be afraid to put a patriotic spin on your main course. For example, instead of my usual roast turkey, this year I’ve prepared a juicy 50-pound bald eagle. [ holds up bald eagle platter ] It’s undeniably American, and everyone round your table will be vying for an ample drumstick.

And, in these challenging times, it’s important to remember those who are less fortunate than ourselves. [ holds up packages ] These charming relief packages are sure to delight any Afghan refugee. Just choose a French enamel lunch pail out of your French enamelwear collection, and stock it with necessities. I’ve filled mine with sashets of dry lavender from my herb garden. For the children, a blown glass ornament to make their Christmas special. And, most importantly, some beautiful hand-milled paper so they can write a thank-you note. Garnish the pail with some patriotic ribbon, and these goodies make a charming package to drop on the heads on our frienamies.

So join me tomorrow on “Living”, when we prepare a Thanksgiving for a new reality. And, as a special burn on the Taliban, I’ll wear a bikini top and eat a hot pork sandwich, while I dance to Britney Spears. Freedom. It’s a good thing.

[ dances as Britney Spears music plays ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer Guy

Employee #1…..Rachel Dratch
Employee #2…..Jeff Richards
Employee #3…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Nick’s Dad…..Billy Bob Thornton

Employee #1: Dammit! I can’t print this file! Has anybody seen the computer guy, I paged him like five times!

Employee #2: Who? Nick Burns? I called about twenty minutes ago, and he told me to go soak my head.

Employee #3: I don’t like that guy.

Employee #1: Well, where is he? Every time I try to print this file, the computer shuts down due to insufficiant memory!

Nick Burns: [ entering ] Maybe the computer shuts down ’cause you have 32 megabytes of RAM and you’re trying to run a program that takes 128 to function smoothly, X-Lax!

Jingle: “Nick, the computer guy, he’ll fix you’re computer, and then he’s gonna make fun of you, cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Okay, okay, who 9-1-1ed my pagers? I was trying to have lunch with my dad. Sorry about this, Pop, it shouldn’t take long.

Nick’s Dad: [ enters ] Oh, don’t worry, son. I always wanted to see where they train for the Special Olympics!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Good one, dad! Okay, what’s up, geniuses? [ they all start talking at once ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn’t install dual-processors in my brain! Okay, one at a time.

Employee #1: Okay, well, I’m the one who paged you.

Nick Burns: Okay, well, what’s the emergency?

Employee #1: Um.. there’s not enough memory to print, and I need a hard copy so I can get out of here early.

Nick Burns: Oh, that is an emergency! Gee, we’d better hurry up so you can get home to eat Snackwells and talk to your cats.

Nick’s Dad: [ laughing ] That’s a good one, son!

Nick Burns: Thanks, Dad.

Nick’s Dad: It reminds me of a saying we had in the 70’s – you sohuld try reading your manuals instead of sitting around fiddling with your Wang!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Wang! Nice one, dad!

Employee #1: Well, could you help me print this file?

Nick Burns: Yeah, what other programs do you have running?

Employee #1: Uh.. how do I find that out.

Nick Burns: Go to your applications folder.

Employee #1: Okay, where’s that at?

Nick Burns: Your control strip.

Employee #1: What? Which..

Nick Burns: It’s by the tool bar.

Employee #1: Okay.. which tool bar..?

Nick Burns: Move! [ sits down ] Geez Louise, your I-Mac is slow. It’s slower than Starr Jones on a treadmill. [ presses buttons, pages start printing ] Was that so hard? See what I’m talking about, Dad?

Nick’s Dad: You’re right, son. These guy are about as quick as an Intel Pentium – I!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Who’s next?

Employee #2: Hey, Nick, how’s it’s going?

Nick’s Dad: Oh, is this the guy that goes to the Dudes With Boobs web site?

Nick Burns: No. You’ve Got She-Male is back here. This is the guy who refused to open his e-mail because he was afraid he’d get anthrax.

Nick’s Dad: [ laughs ] What a bonehead!

Employee #2: Hey, Nick, is that your dad?

Nick Burns: Congratulations! Oh, wow, you figured that out without having to use a Lifeline.

Employee #2: [ slightly confused ] Oh.. that’s like that show, huh?

Nick’s Dad: You know, I think I can help this guy. [ presses one button, computer turns on ] Done!

Nick Burns: Was I right about these guys?

Nick’s Dad: That guy’s about as dense as a line coat from Duke Nukem 3!

Nick Burns: [ laughs ] God, you are on fire! That’s hilarious, Dad! Hey, can I use that in the chat room?

Nick’s Dad: Oh no, that’s mine.

Nick Burns: Okay. Let’s check on Skeeter. [ approaches Employee #3 ] Okay, what’s your problem?

Employee #3: I can’t hear through the speakers while I’m transferring my MP3s to my new I-Pod.

Nick Burns: I-Pod? Gee, that holds 1000 songs.

Employee #3: Yeah. So, what’s your point?

Nick Burns: Well, how many albums does Frankie Goes to Hollywood have?

Employee #3: Ha ha ha! They had two! Now, why don’t my speakers work?

Nick Burns: Well, hit your Hot key through your control strip there.

Employee #3: My.. my Hot key?

Nick Burns: Move! [ sits ] Okay, it says the firewall is functional. Let’s check the control panel..

Nick’s Dad: Hey, son, I think..

Nick Burns: Hey, Dad, I’m working! [ hits a few other keys ] Let’s check the output speaker here..

Nick’s Dad: Son, I.. I..

Nick Burns: Dad, please, give me a break, let me try this..

Nick’s Dad: Move! [ sits ] Okay, it’s not your fault. This jughead here left his quarter-inch adapter in his headphone jack.

Employee #3: Wow! Not so smart, are we, Nick?

[ Nick unplugs the speaker, as Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” eminates through the room ]

Nick Burns: [ dancing ] Hey, you like Wham! huh?

Employee #3: [ angry ] I was dubbing that for my girlfriend!

Nick’s Dad: Did you meet her at the Dudes With Boobs web site?

Nick Burns: I’m outta here! You wanna go home or something?

Nick’s Dad: Uh, you know what, I’ve got a better idea. Let’s go see “Monsters, Inc.” and look for glitches in the animation.

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Let’s get out of here. Oh, by the way, everyone..

Together: You’re welcome!

Jingle: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”

SNL Transcripts

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

White House Cabinet Meeting

White House Aide…..Rachel Dratch
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Vice President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph

White House Aide: …And later you’re expected to appear out on the South Lawn for a little league game.

President George W. Bush: Thank you, Carly.

White House Aide: Oh, and Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice are here for their daily briefing.

President George W. Bush: Why don’t you send them in? (White House aide exits, Bush talking to self) They will not make you look stupid! They will not make you look stupid! They will not make you look stupid!

(Enter Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice)

President George W. Bush: Hey, Condi! Dick!

Cheney and Rice: Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: How are you? Please sit down. What’s going on in the world?

Condoleeza Rice: Busy day, sir.

Dick Cheney: Well, we’re going to need you to phone Sharon this morning, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Good, I like that fellow. He took me up in his helicopter. I trust a man who takes you for a helicopter ride, you know what I mean?

Dick Cheney: I do not. But just the same, you should call Sharon.

President George W. Bush: I’m on it.

Condoleeza Rice: We also have a call into Arafat.

President George W. Bush: The president of Palestine.

Condoleeza Rice: Uh, Chairman of the Palestinian people.

President George W. Bush: Right, same difference.

Dick Cheney: It would also ease matters if we could talk to the King of Jordan.

President George W. Bush: Hussein!

Dick Cheney: Abdullah. His name is Abdullah, sir. Hussein died.

President George W. Bush: Real shame. The man was a friend of my father’s; a lot of class. I also liked his wife, Queen Amidala.

Dick Cheney: Sir, that is Natalie Portman’s character in “Attack of the Clones.”

President George W. Bush: Really? Then who is the woman I’ve been calling Queen Amidala for a year now?

Dick Cheney: That would be Queen Noor, the widow of King Hussein.

President George W. Bush: I like her. Which one of them was down at the ranch last month?

Condoleeza Rice: Excuse me?

President George W. Bush: You know the one, he was also a pal of Dad’s, he looked like Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Dick Cheney: Crown Prince Abdullah.

President George W. Bush: Yes! Of Egypt!

Dick Cheney: Saudi Arabia.

President George W. Bush: I knew that! I was just testing you. That’s two Abdullahs.

Dick Cheney: Yes, sir. One in Jordan and one in Saudi Arabia. The one in Saudi Arabia has the peace plan he talked to you about. Remember that?

President George W. Bush: Is this some kinda test?

Dick Cheney: I ask myself that everyday. Now, about President Assad.

President George W. Bush: Now, don’t tell me. He’s the Egyptian!

Dick Cheney: No.

President George W. Bush: Lebanese?

Dick Cheney: No.

President George W. Bush: Irish?

Dick Cheney: No, sir.

President George W. Bush: Don’t tell me!

Dick Cheney: He’s Syrian.

President George W. Bush: He’s Syrian!

Dick Cheney: We need to contact the Syrians and beg restraint from Hizbullah.

President George W. Bush: I’m on it like stink on a mule. Next?

Rice: You have a meeting with Ali Abdullah Salay.

President George W. Bush: Another Abdullah.

Condoleeza Rice: Yeah.

President George W. Bush: That’s three. You thought I wasn’t paying attention, now did you? Where’s this one from?

Condoleeza Rice: Yemen.

President George W. Bush: Good one, but I’m not that stupid. You mean Fremen.

Dick Cheney: No, it’s Yemen. “Fremen” is from the science fiction book Dune!

President George W. Bush: Ok, fair enough.

Condoleeza Rice: And you’re going to need to contact Mubarak.

President George W. Bush: Yemen?

Dick Cheney: Egypt!

President George W. Bush: Damn it!

Condoleeza Rice: The Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Maher has a scheduled appointment with you later today.

President George W. Bush: Can I ask you both a question?

Condoleeza Rice: Go ahead.

President George W. Bush: Do I get to talk to someone today with the name Smith, or Jones, or Cooper, or Knievel?

Condoleeza Rice: I have a conference call with President Musharraf if you want in.

President George W. Bush: What happened to us? Sure, we have a war on terror, that’s great. But we used to have domestic issues. I used to work a regular six-hour day!

Dick Cheney: It’s a complex world, sir.

President George W. Bush: It’s a complex world? Try telling that to those boys and girls out on the South Lawn playing Little League baseball. They don’t think it’s a complex world. And this may come as a surprise to you all, but I also don’t think it’s a complex world.

Dick Cheney: Sir, I’m not surprised by that at all.

President George W. Bush: Well, then maybe you’ll be surprised by this. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01o: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Dame Maggie Smith…..Ian McKellen
Paula Jones…..Rachel Dratch
Tonya Harding…..Amy Poehler
Louie Anderson…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.

Yesterday in Yemen, a man threw a hand grenade at the U.S. Embassy, where Vice-President Dick Cheney visited the day before. But it’s going to take more than that to scare a man who cheats death every time his heart beats.

The Justice Department announced plans this week for a new color-coded terrorism alert system, with green for the most relaxed, and red as the most serious warning. However, if the scale goes above orange, I will make brown.

Strom Thurmond was visibly enthusiastic about the plan, saying, ” A color alert system? Why, I’ve been waiting for one of them for years!”

The Bush administration is considering lifting the embargo against Libyan oil. This is thanks to the cooperation of leader Momar Khaddaffi, who has been giving the U.S. information on terrorists in exchange for a curl activator.

Variety has reported that Jerry Seinfeld has signed a new three-year multi-millionaire dollar deal to a the spokesman American Express. In another big credit card deal, Michael Richards has signed a three-year deal with Visa to pay off his bill.

Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton have adopted a baby boy from Cambodia. No word yet on what they plan to use the boy for.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, the Oscar race is heating up, and here to offer her predictions, is Oscar nominee, Dame Maggie Smith, everybody.

Dame Maggie Smith: Well, thank you, Jimmy, aren’t you a darling. Look at your little suit – just like a little school boy, mmm!

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] So.. Dame Maggie..!

Dame Maggie Smith: Call me Mags.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, Mags. Uh.. let’s talk about the Oscars.

Dame Maggie Smith: Mmm. Yes, let’s.

Jimmy Fallon: Who do you think is gonna win for Best Actor?

Dame Maggie Smith: Well, the winner will be Denzel Washington. And, Denzel, if you have any interest in getting it on with an experienced dame of experience, give me a call.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, alright. What about Best Actress.

Dame Maggie Smith: Judi Dench. Little Judi Dench. Such a clever, little Judi Dench. Little, clever, chubby Judi Dench.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright. Let’s see, uh.. Best Supporting Actress, who’s that?

Dame Maggie Smith: Uh, me – whether I win it or not.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, understood. Uh.. Best Supporting Actor?

Dame Maggie Smith: Oh, without a doubt, Ian McKellen. Saint Ian! They’ve got to throw that old queen a bone sometime.

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] Is he gay? I didn’t even.. know that.. uh..

Dame Maggie Smith: You’re not gay, Jimmy, are you?

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, no.. but I.. uh.. Best Picture?

Dame Maggie Smith: Oh, who cares? By that time, I’ll be getting as high as a kite in the toilet with Helen Mirren!

Jimmy Fallon: Are you going to go to the after party?

Dame Maggie Smith: [bitterly] After party? I’d rather drink ink. [sweetly] But wish me luck. Mmm…kiss for luck, little Jimmy Fallon? [ leans in for a kiss on the cheek]

[ Jimmy leans over to oblige, but Dame Maggie turns her head quickly and ends up lip-locked with Jimmy Fallon. “She” presses hard before Jimmy breaks away from the kiss. Maggie Smith leans back with a satisfied smile on her face ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ cracking up ] Maggie Smith, everybody! [ Maggie Smith waves and smirks before the camera cuts to Fey and Fallon. Tina tries to wipe the lipstick off Jimmy’s lips. Jimmy adjusts his tie and tries to keep a straight face, but struggles to control himself as the audience keeps whooping over the kiss. Jimmy touches his lips and ad-libs]: Maggie Smith should shave! [still trying to get over the shock of being kissed; ad-libs] Does this mean I’m knighted? [voice cracks when he says “knighted”] Or—or did I just get queened? [chuckles and is now calm enough to get on with the rest of Update] Wow…

Last week on “Survivor”, when a female cast member urinated on a male cast member’s hand to remedy a sea urchin’s sting, [still cracking up over getting “queened”, but calms down again] CBS had to decide how much to show. The answer? Not enough, according to the urine fetish community.

A federal grand jury has indicted auditing firm Arthur Andersen for shredding more than thirty truckloads of Enron documents. If found guilty, the firm’s top executives could spend up to ten months in a prison nicer than your home.

It’s being reported that Tipper Gore is considering a run for the Senate seat once held by her husband Al Gore. Initial polls already have her winning by a landslide, because nobody wants to see Tipper lose and grow a beard.

Tina Fey: And now it’s time for Weekend Update’s Secret Joke of the Week.

[ Jimmy leans in and whispers the secret joke in Tina’s ear ]

Tina Fey: [ devilishly excited ] Uh-huh? Uh-huh! [ laughing ] Secret joke! [ laughs ] That was a good joke!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah? Don’t tell anybody.

Tina Fey: I won’t. I promise. This has been the Secret Joke of the Week!

A new study shows that drivers who listen to fast tempo music while driving have more accidents, while drivers listening to slow music have sexier accidents.

According to newly released documents, tobacco companies gave free cigarettes to celebrities such as Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis, to try to influence the public to smoke. In their defense, tobacco company executives said, “No, no, no. We were just trying to kill Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis.”

Tina Fey: This past week, Fox aired its first of a series of celebrity boxing matches, including a match between Paula Jones and ex-figure skater Tonya Harding. Here to tell us about her experience, is Paula Jones.

Paula Jones: Thank yew. Thank yew, Tina.

Tina Fey: So, Paula, how was the fight?

Paula Jones: Um.. it was okay.. but I thought it was gonna be a lot classier than it was. I thought it was gonna be more celebrity, and less boxing.

[ Tonya Harding suddenly runs onto the set, donned in boxing gloves ]

Tonya Harding: Yeah! What’s up, crybaby! [ sucker punches Paula on the shoulder ] Ah! You flinched! [ sucker punches some more ]

Tina Fey: See, this doesn’t seem like an even match-up. Tonya, you’re a professional athlete.. and, Paula.. what do you do?

Paula Jones: Um.. I’m stay-at-home actress.

Tina Fey: Uh.. how did you prepare for the fight.

Tonya Harding: I trained really hard! I ate a lot of chicken, I fought some Mexican girls in a parking lot.. and I threw a keg through my boyfriend’s window! Whoo-oo-oo!!

Tina Fey: Paula, how did you train.

Paula Jones: Um.. I had my nail tips shortened.

Tina Fey: Now, let me ask you this – would you do it again? Will either of you fight again?

Tonya Harding: [ gung ho ] I’ll take on all y’all! Amy Fisher! Anna Nicole Smith! Michelle Kwan! The Bush Twins! Why don’t you bring it!!

Paula Jones: Uh.. I would not do this again.. because it did not turn out classy. But I will be driving the monster truck Borean over six school buses, sponsored by Skoal Bandit. Live on the World Wide Web, check it out, y’all!

Tina Fey: Alright, thanks. Time to go, ladies, thanks for coming out..

Tonya Harding: Hey, ya know what, Tina? You think you’re so great – with your glasses, and.. and, your glasses… I’m gonna kill you!

Tina Fey: Oh, really, yeah? Let’s do this!

[ Tina flings her glasses off and jumps to her feet. Tonya and Paula quickly jump to their feet and run in the opposite direction ]

Tina Fey: Yeah! That’s what I thought, Tonya Harding! Tonya Harding and Paula Jones, everyone.

Tricon Global Restaurants, which owns Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut, announced that they are buying A&W and Long John Silvers. It’s a selection designed to make anyone’s mouth water – in that way it does right before you puke.

Jimmy Fallon: More than 3,000 years after the Camblin-McDonald clans fought in the Scottish highlands, the family feud has resurfaced this week, after it was announced that both –

Tina Fey: Wait, wait.. Jimmy, are you nuts?

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What?

Tina Fey: McDonald’s.. family feud.. Are you trying to summon Louie Anderson?

Jimmy Fallon: [ sighs ] Oh, nooo..

[ a cloud of smoke rises from under the desk, as Louie Anderson magically appears ]

Louie Anderson: Ahhh.. hey, guys! Where am I? What’s going on? You guys ready to play the Feud!

Tina Fey: No, Louie. Jimmy did not mean to magically summon you.

Louie Anderson: We surveyed 190,000 people! Top five answers on the board!

Jimmy Fallon: Louie, Louie, Louie. We’re actually in the middle of the show. I didn’t mean to summon you, I’m sorry.

Tina Fey: Yeah, you know what? You gotta go, Louie, just get out of here, okay?

Louie Anderson: Show me Get Out Of Here! Huh?

Tina Fey: You’ve still gotta go, Louie.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s not on the board.

Louie Anderson: Okay, see you next time on the Feud! Be good to your families! [ blows a kiss ] See ya!

Jimmy Fallon: Louie Anderson, people!

The creators of Barbie have obtained a court order banning a new Argentinean movie called “Barbie Gets Sad 2,” which shows Barbie having graphic sex. Apparently, their biggest objection is the scene where Barbie turns around and takes it in the Mattel!

Experts say that satellite images show that parts of Central London are sinking up to five millimeters a year. Also sinking up to five millimeters a year? Martin Landau’s testicles.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Rehearsal Scene

Actress…..Maya Rudolph
Actor…..Chris Kattan
Mike, the Director…..Chris Parnell
Casey, the Assistant…..Seth Meyers
Male Extra…..Will Ferrell
Female Extra #1…..Amy Poehler
Female Extra #2…..Kirsten Dunst

[ open on dramatic scene at a restaurant ]

Actress: Listen Doug…thanks for meeting me here.

Actor: No problem. I’ve missed you.

Actress: I know the last month has been hard…I just– I wish I could have been there when your mother died.

Actor: You were there. [puts hand over heart] You were here.

Actress: Doug…I’m pregnant.

[ Mike walks in, lights come up ]

Mike: And cut, on rehearsal. Great guys, did that feel good?

Actor: Oh yeah.

Actress: Yea, that was good.

Mike: Alright, let’s shoot this! Uh, Casey, you wanna go ahead and bring in the background?

Casey: Ok, background please fill in! [ extras walk in ] Folks, we’re pretty wide here – so just remember you’re in the shot! You are in a bar, there’s drinking, talking, etc.

Mike: Quiet please! [ to actors ] And whenever you’re ready. [ actors nod that they’re ready, director steps back ] Action!

[ Lights dim, scene begins again ]

Actress: Listen Doug… [ extras in the background begin “talking” exageratingly with hand movements, etc ] thanks for meeting me here.

Actor: No problem. I’ve missed you.

[ male extra wildly describes something crazy with his hands, female extra mimes that something is taking a long time, male extra nods heavily in agreement ]

Actress: I know the last month has been hard… [ extras share a long laugh, then make talking motions with their hands ] …I wish I could have been there when your mother died.

[ male extra mimics driving, female extra continues talking motions with her hands ]

Actor: You were there. [ female extra flips her fingers over her eyes, male extra points and laughs ] You were here.

[ both extras turn and intently watch the rest of the scene unfold ]

Actress: Doug…I’m pregnant.

Mike: and…cut! [ lights go up ] That was great. Background players, specifically you two…a lot of arm movements in this scene. We just need you to be talking in a bar…ok?

Female Extra #1: Ok.

Male Extra: Alright!

FeMale Extra: Thank you.

Male Extra: Thanks Mike!

Female Extra #1: I can feel that.

Male Extra: I felt it.

Female Extra #1: Thank you!

Casey: Back to one, everybody!

Mike: Quiet please. [to extras] subtle. [lights dim] action.

Actress: Listen Doug… [ female extra waves to offstage, second female extra runs on, male waves as well ] …thanks for meeting me here.

[ second female extra holds up glasses to male extra, waving them around vigorously. ]

Actor: No problem. [ male and second female extra exchange high-fives ] I’ve missed you.

[ first female extra picks up a glass and mimes drinking from it, male extra offers a glass to the second female extra, she begins drinking as well. male extra hold out his hands to first female extra, who mimes pouring water on them ]

Actress: I know the last month has been hard…[ male extra splashes imaginary water on his face ] I just– I wish I could have been there when your mother died.

[ male extra puts cups up to his head, first female extra continues drinking, second female extra mimes smoking a cigarette ]

Actor: You were there. [ all extras turn to watch again ] You were here.

Actress: Doug…I’m pregnant.

Extras: [ surprised ] OHHHHH!

[ Actors break character, looking confused, lights go up ]

Actress: I’m sorry…it’s just– they’re really loud.

Actor: You guys are really distracting! I dont understand —

Mike: [walking in] Cut!

Female Extra #1: Mike, I’m sorry! I —

Male Extra: …um, we thought we should bring in a real friend…

Female Extra #2: [waves] Hi!

Male Extra: That’s what we thought…we worked out this thing that I had left my glasses at her place…

Female Extra #2: Yeah, were they in the shot? [ waves around glasses ] Did they read?

Male Extra: Did you see the glasses?

Mike: [ to Casey ] Ok, get them out of here.

Casey: Ok guys…alright guys, come with me…we’re just going to have you cross through the background.

Male Extra: That’s ok with us, Mike.

Female Extra #1: We’ll get there! We’re feeling set!

Male Extra: Bear with us.

Female Extra #2: Nice call, nice call. Yeah.

Mike: [ to actors ] Alright, just take a deep breath. Ok? [angrily, to extras] you are just crossing.

Male Extra: Thanks, Mike.

Mike: [ stressed ] Action.

[ lights dim again ]

Actress: Listen Doug… [ female extra #2 wanders behind the table with a beer bottle, miming drinking ] …thanks for meeting me here.

[ female extra #1 walks across shaking her arms together in an exagerated “congratulations” manner ]

Actor: No problem. [ actor glances up as male extra comes in, obnoxiously talking on a cell phone ] I’ve missed you.

[ all three extras come back on and hover over the table, each doing their respective parts ]

Actress: I know the last month has been hard… [ Male and female extra #1 share the cell phone directly next to the actor’s head, female extra #2 continues drinking near actress ] I just– I wish I could have been there when your mother died.

[ both actors show signs of annoyance ]

Actor: [ struggling ] You were there. [ extras again watch camera intently ] You were here.

Actress: Doug…I’m…. [ female extra #2 mouths the word “pregnant” ]

Female Extra #1: [ whispering to actress ] You’re pregnant.

[ actors look confused ]

Extras: Cuuuut…?

Mike: [ angry ] Don’t CUT!

[ lights go back on ]

Casey: Background! Background out of the frame!

Female Extra #1: [ pointing ] Mike…Mike I’m sorry, but she blew her line!

Actress: um…I was just pausing for dramatic effect!

Female Extra #1: Mike should I jump in? Should we switch?

Mike: No! You are fired!

Female Extra #2: [ mimicking with beer bottle ] Did you notice I was playing drunk?

Male Extra: She was playing drunk.

Female Extra #2: Yeah, ’cause I have to match that in my closeup…

Female Extra #1: Yeah.

Mike: No, get out of here! I never want to see you again! Ok? [ sighing, to actors ] Just…keep it going. Stay focused, we’re still rolling…

Actor: Are you ok?

Actress: Yeah, I’m ok.

[ lights dim ]

Actress: Listen Doug…[ extras appear directly in front of camera, cutting off the view behind them ] thanks for meeting me here…

[ extras make faces in front of the camera, actors behind them wonder what is happenning ]

Mike: CUT! [ lights go up ] Are you DEAF? Get out of here! NOW!

Female Extra #1: Ok, thanks everybody, that’s a wrap!

Male Extra: Thank you Mike, I think we’ve got it!

Female Extra #2: It’s so hard to leave after you’ve become a family!

Mike: Get OFF the set!

Female Extra #2: [ to actors ] I love you guys!

Female Extra #1: Mike…Mike, I don’t usually do nudity, but if it serves the story — which in this case, i think it does — [ begins taking off shirt ]

Male Extra: This is a closed set! [ also begins taking off shirt ] Lock it up!

Mike: Just get OUT of here people!

[ fade ]

Thanks to Nick O. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Court TV

Court TV Reporter…..Ana Gasteyer
Anna Kournikova…..Kirsten Dunst
Counselor…..Chris Kattan
Judge…..Chris Parnell
Shawn Secanda…..Seth Meyers
Bob Guccione…..Will Ferrell
Jerry Spence…..Darrell Hammond

Court TV Reporter: Welcome back to Court TV’s live coverage of Kournikova vs. Penthouse Magazine. Anna Kournikova is currently on the stand testifying against Penthouse, claiming emotional distress from the publication of nude photographs of a woman mistakenly identified as Ms. Kournikova. Let’s listen in.

Counsel: The photographs were upsetting?

Anna Kournikova: It make for me, emotional distression! I no ca concentrate on my tennising!

Counsel: And how did it affect your tennis?

Anna Kournikova: It’s hurting my tennising! From this, I eliminate from tournament in second round. Normally, I eliminate in third! To lose so early is also distression on my emotionals!

Counsel: You’re distressed because these photos were of someone else?

Anna Kournikova: Yes. These were not mine boobings! These were photographing of the boobings from someone else! A person see this, he think he seeing my boobings! But I don’t my boobings to him!

Counsel: Because that is not what Anna Kournikova does?

Anna Kournikova: Yes! I no show the boobings! Look at, though, my swimsuit calendar. I show the leg, the stomach bottom, the ass cheeking, and some of the boobings, but not the boobing tip!

Counsel: Never?

Judge: Uh.. court advises counselor’s questions stay on relevant subject matter.

Counsel: Your honor, I would argue that her body is relevant subject matter.

Judge: I know! I’m asking you to stay on it!

[ swinging “Laugh-In” gogo music pots up, as camera zooms in and out to gogoing courtroom, before a quick beat back to normal courtroom behavior ]

Counsel: Ms. Kournikova, you mentioned, most compellingly, the possibility of someone seeing these photos and mistaking these breasts for yours. I’d like to call my next witness.

[ Anna Kournikova returns to her seat, as Sean Secunda takes the stand ]

Court TV Reporter V/O: This is a witness we have heard about. His name is Shawn Secanda, a 31-year-old proofreader from Philadelphia, who is considering his own suit against Penthouse. Let’s see how this goes.

Counsel: [ holds up Penthouse ] Mr. Secanda, you bought this magazine, believing it to contain nude photos of Ms. Kournikova.

Shawn Secanda: Yes.

Counsel: And you masturbated to these photographs?

Shawn Secanda: Yes, I did. Not all of them, but..

Counsel: Could you show the court, for the record, which ones?

[ Sean Secunda points out the exact photos ]

Court TV Reporter V/O: Sean Secunda is indicating which of the reported Kournikova photographs he masturbated to.

[ Judge leans into the testimony ]

Court TV Reporter V/O: Well, the judge is questioning the relevance of this exercise. Counsel is now arguing to get off the topic. And now the judge is saying, “I’m getting off on the topic.

[ swinging “Laugh-In” gogo music pots up, as camera zooms in and out to gogoing courtroom ]

Court TV Reporter V/O: Now everyone is dancing to gogo music, like they did on “Laugh-In”.

[ during the gogo activity, a midget rides in on a tricycle ]

Court TV Reporter V/O: And now a midget is riding a tricycle.

[ gogo music pots out, as courtroom returns to normal behavior ]

Court TV Reporter V/O: And now we resume testimony.

Counsel: And how did you feel when you found out it wasn’t Ms. Kournikova in the photos?

Shawn Secanda: [ upset ] I felt violated! Those were two-and-a-half minutes of my life that were meant for slamming it to Anna Kournikova! Not some.. stranger!

Counsel: Okay, thank you. No further questions.

Judge: [ points to Kournikova’s chest ] Well, I’d like to question those boobs! [ stands up to gogo, but no one joins in ] Huh?!

Court TV Reporter V/O: And, apparently, the judge’s quip was not funny enough to trigger the zany music and corresponding gogo dancing.

Judge: Alright, Defense Counsel may proceed.

[ Bob Guccione stands ]

Bob Guccione: I represent myself, your Honor. Bob Guccione, editor of Penthouse. Your H, we dropped the ball on this one, I’ll be honest. So, Ms. Kournikova, I want to make things right. I want to give you the opportunity to clear this confusion with your very own legitimate nude pictorial in Penthouse magazine. You pick the photographer, the beach, the pubic hair configuration, no questions asked. You want my input, it’s there. Maybe put you on a Venus on the Half Shell, give you the ice penis to hold, bury you in sand up to the nips, I don’t know! I’m throwing out ideas, okay! Take ’em or leave ’em, what do you say? One million dollars.

Anna Kournikova: [ aghast ] Mr. Gucciones, you are insult! I do sexy photo! But my boobings tip is where I draw the line!

Bob Guccione: I’ll throw in a Wimbeldon trophy stolen from Evonne Goolagong.

Anna Kournikova: Did I say draw the line? I mean, where do I sign!

[ gogo music pots up as camera zooms in and out to courtroom gogoing ]

Court TV Reporter: There you have it, a settlement in Kournikova vs. Penthouse, thanks to a last-minute offer from Bob Guccione, and an awkward, but effective, segue into gogo music from Anna Kournikova. We’ll be right back with analysis from Jerry Spence.

Jerry Spence: Let’s dance!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 15

01o: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen …. Ana Gasteyer
Lynn Bershad …. Rachel Dratch
Liam Shannessy … Ian McKellen

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen …

Lynn Bershad: … and I’m Lynn Bershad …

Together: … and you’re listening to, The Delicious Dish on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Lynn, Faith and Begorrah. I’m happy to say that one of our all time favorite holidays is upon us.

Lynn Bershad: St. Patrick’s day.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now for must of us this lusty and raucous celebration means one thing above all else: …

Lynn Bershad: … gathering with rowdy friends to convivially overindulge in that nectar of the gods …

Together: … bicarbonate of soda. [they knock pints together and take a swig]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. Head rush.

Lynn Bershad: That’s right, MJ. This miracle ingredient is the cornerstone of the luscious and savory taste explosion that is Irish Cuisine.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Where to begin? We could do a whole show alone of the electrifying kaleidoscope of Ireland’s dry, flat breads.

Lynn Bershad: You sure could.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I have a real weakness for them, as you know.

Lynn Bershad: Speaking of weakness, MJ, anyone who knows me knows I have a weakness of my own.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know. You’re dangerously anemic.

Lynn Bershad: Well, yes. But actually what I was referring to was my fondness for cabbage.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ditto here. Yeah. I would be hard pressed to find anyone who didn’t find a swirling cauldron full of stewed cabbage leaves irrepressibly erotic.

Lynn Bershad: I find I never feel quite so much a woman as I do when I am standing at the stove, my hair wilted from spectacular amounts of greenish steam, beads of perspiration condensing on the underside of my bosom as the blanched white heads rollick in the foamy boil. [laughter, pause] I’m really lonely sometimes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know. Me, too. Yeah.

Lynn Bershad: Yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah.

Lynn Bershad: It’s neat fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah.

Lynn Bershad: It’s good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s good times.

Lynn Bershad: I know. Well, Margaret Jo the peat bogs of the Irish kitchen require the navigation of an Irish Chef.

Margaret Jo McCullen: So we’ve got someone special here today to make sure your “Erin Go Bragh” isn’t “Erin Go Blah”.

Lynn Bershad: Good Lord, that’s funny.

[audience laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: He’s here to steer us through the ‘lepre-pros’ and ‘lepre-cons’ of Irish cooking.

Lynn Bershad: Seriously stop. You are killing me.

Margaret Jo McCullen: What can I say? I’m on fire.

Lynn Bershad: Well, please welcome the author of the book, “If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Get Out of the Fldaccacloellong”.* The Emeril Lagasse of Galloway, Liam Shannessy.

[audience applauds]

Liam Shannessy: [enters, sits and puts on his headphones]

Margaret Jo McCullen: So, Liam, I take it that this long Gaelic word in the title here means, “kitchen.”

Liam Shannessy: It does indeed. Although in certain countries it is also bawdy Irish farmhand slang for cattle insemination.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s neat. It’s a homonym.

Lynn Bershad: Vulgar.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s good times. Yeah. So, Liam, we read your book.

Liam Shannessy: Thank you very much, indeed.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Needless to say, the way you describe rinsing dirt off parsnips would give James Joyce a run for his money.

Liam Shannessy: Well, indeed. And this cookbook is very special to me because I’ve dedicated each recipe to a special family member. And I come from a large and colorful family. For example: my recipe for Cod Cobbler is a delectable mixture of blanched white fish topped with creamy clotted cheese.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It sounds good.

Lynn Bershad: Yeah.

Liam Shannessy: It’s my brother Deckland’s favorite dish.

Lynn Bershad: Oh, your brother must be so thrilled to be mentioned in your book.

Liam Shannessy: Yes. He would be. But he’s dead. Yes, he died from a parasitic infection he contracted from handling pig droppings.

Lynn Bershad: I’m so sorry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. What better way to memorialize someone than with a wonderful codfish recipe.

Lynn Bershad: Yeah.

Liam Shannessy: True. That’s what they always say.

Margaret Jo McCullen: They do.

Lynn Bershad: That they do.

Liam Shannessy: I also included my cousin Dermot’s favorite dish, bruised turnips.

Margaret & Lynn: Ooooo.

Liam Shannessy: Turnips are such an underrated vegetable.

Margaret Jo McCullen: They really are.

Liam Shannessy: A beloved of children from 6 to 60 … not unlike Dermot who was 60 but had the mind of a child of 6. Yes, indeed. He wandered into the ocean one day and the nearest we could tell he ended his days violently sucked into the propeller or an eel trawler. But his of love bruised turnips is what I’ll always remember.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s touching.

Lynn Bershad: Powerful.

Liam Shannessy: Oh, and then there’s my Gram’s potato cake recipe also known as ‘boxty.’ My Gran, you know, she was a colorful woman and she had a rhyme to go with all her recipes. The rhyme for this dish used to go, …

[snaps his fingers twice]

“Boxty on the griddle,
Boxty on the pan.
If you can’t make boxty
Then you’ll never get a man.”

Lynn Bershad: You can say that again.

Liam Shannessy: [he repeats it, snaps his fingers twice]
“Boxty on the griddle,
Boxty on the pan.
If you can’t make boxty
Then you’ll never get a man.”

Margaret Jo McCullen: Your Gran sounds like quite a character.

Lynn Bershad: She really does.

Liam Shannessy: Yes. Yes. A deary, my Gran. Yes. But now she’s dead, you know. It’s a funny story actually. She went to be with Jesus after eating a dodgy batch of Uncle Deckland’s Cod Cobbler.

Lynn Bershad: Oh. Is that the same Cod Cobbler recipe you have here in your book?

Liam Shannessy: Yes, indeed. The very same.

[light laughter]

Lynn Bershad: Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we spice up the airwaves with a rollicking discussion of …

Margaret & Lynn: … bulgar.

[applause, pull back, fade to black]

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Gay Thanksgiving

Master Alden…..Will Ferrell
Master Parker…..Jeff Richards
Goody Parker…..Ana Gasteyer
Goody Alden…..Rachel Dratch
Master Jonathan…..Billy Bob Thornton

[ open on exterior, the fist Thanksgiving ]

Master Alden: Pray Thee, Master Parker. Such an abundance of berries, rabbit and foul.

Master Parker: Mmm. ‘Twas no trouble, Master Alden. The woods were ripe with bounty.

Goody Parker: What’s keeping the Wompano tribe? The turkey is getting cold, deep within.

Goody Alden: They come from the knoll with Master Jon! I see them approach through yon thicket!

[ the flamboyant Master Jonathan and three topless male Indians enter ]

Master Jonathan: Hi ho, everybody! The party starts now! We’ve got corn!

Master Alden: Corn? What in creation is corn?

Master Jonathan: Well, it’s only the most genius food ever! It’s nutritious, it’s decorative – and how much do I love the shape! [ holds up the corn in a phallic fashion ] Are you with me? Now, back to my point. I came to the end of the path, and hello! It’s most beautifully, rustic, shabby, chic Indian village I’ve ever laid eyes upon! I mean, they had gone all out with the dramatic use of lumber, bark, sod, animal skins – swags of animal skins – as doors!

Master Parker: Can we stick to the corn, Master Jon?

Master Jonathan: It’s Jonathan, and don’t rush me. Okay. So here I am in the middle of paradise, surrounded by half-naked, gorgeous people with flawless carmel skin – one of them had a body to die for – and I’m thinking, did I eat poison berries? Because I cannot breathe! That’s when he put it in my mouth –

Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Ohhhh, Lord! Good Heavens!

Master Jonathan: The corn! The corn! What are you thinking, Goody Gutter Mind? Anyway, as usual, I swallowed –

Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Ohhhh, God in heaven!

Master Jonathan: The corn! The corn! You’re working on my last nerve. So anyway, I’m eating this corn stuff – which happens to be my favorite color, maize, which later I learned means corn. Mind blower, huh!

Master Alden: Now that we’ve been enlightened more than anyone ever should about the corn, may we all sit down and say a bloessing of thanks?

Master Jonathan: Good idea. A very good idea.

[ everyone sits down at the table ]

Master Jonathan: [ admiring Goody Alden’s bonnet ] My God. Goody Alden, where in the world did you get that new bonnet?

Goody Alden: Oh.. I.. I stitched it myself.

Master Jonathan: Hmm. [ snaps finger ] You go, Goody! You wear that bonnet! Those stitches are so even, it looks like you stole it off of Goody Parker’s dead corpse! [ chuckles as everyone gasps ] Oh, where did that come from, Jonathan, that was shady! I’m sorry, low blood sugar makes me into an Uber-bitch!

Master Parker: It’s okay, Jonathan, we are accustomed to how you are. Uh, shall we say grace and enjoy the wonderful blessings of this bounty?

Master Jonathan: Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Please. Excuse me, but what is that? [ points to puny-looking centerpiece ] Please do not tell me that that’s the centerpiece. Who is responsible for this shipwreck? [ elderly Goody meekly raises her hand ] Oh, great, great. The first feast with the natives is being designed by Goody One-Foot-in-the-Grave. Somebody please scoot that sorry-ass arrangement over here before I have an episode! [ Goody Alden hands the centerpiece to Master Jonathan ] Thank you! [ hands the centerpiece to one of the Indians ] Here, hold that!

[ Master Jonathan positions himself benath the table to prepare a more eye-pleasing arrangement ]

Goody Parker: Is Master Jonathan courting anyone?

Master Alden: No. I believe he’s a confirmed bachelor.

Goody Alden: Uh.. do you think people are born confirmed bachelors, or choose it because it seems like fun?

Master Parker: I think it is predestined from birth.

Goody Alden: Hmm..

[ concerned of his image ] By the way. Me with him.. but me not “with him” with him.

[ everyone nods their head in understanding, “We understand, no need to say, etc.”, convinced of his hetereosexuality ]

[ Master Jonathan rises up with the improved centerpiece ]

Master Jonathan: Okay! Here we go! That’s better! Now, what I was going for with the peacock feathers was to bring the eye upward so you don’t notice the ale stains on the tablecloth.

Goody Parker: We should partake of the turkey, before it dryeth out.

Master Parker: Let’s bow our heads as Master Alden says grace.

[ everyone stands and bows ]

Master Alden: Dear Lord on Heaven. Thank you for the nourishing bounty before us.

Master Jonathan: And?

Master Alden: The.. fellowship we share..

Master Jonathan: And?

Master Alden: [ sighs ]

Everyone: The beautiful centerpiece, Jonathan..

Master Jonathan: [ pleased ] Thank you! Okay. I think we should do this every year. We can call it the Glandtastic Fabu Turkey Gala. Don’t you think?

Master Alden: [ annoyed ] Why don’t we just call it Thanksgiving?

Master Jonathan: Fine. Be boring. Let’s eat. [ to the Indians ] Uh.. would one of you sweaty brutes please, uh.. pull my meat.

Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Oh, Great Lord!

Master Jonathan: Off the turkey! Off the turkey! I’m so over you people!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handey V/O:

Chapter 772.

“While I was looking around the nursery, I noticed that these were not normal children, but children specially bred by Dr. Panzari and his wife to be their family.”

SNL Transcripts

01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Anti-France Ad

Announcer: France. Home to the world’s greatest painters, chefs.. and anti-Semites.

The French. Cowardly, yet opinionated. Arrogant, yet foul-smelling. Anti-Israel, Anti-American, and, of course, as always, Jew-hating.

Paris. The city of whores. Dog feces on every corner. And effite men yelling anti-Semantic remarks at children. The real creme de la creme of world culture.

With all that’s going on in the world, isn’t it about time we got back to hating the French?

SNL Transcripts