Month: October 2018

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

In a dramatic turn of events, forces of the Northern Alliance this week took control of the Afghan cities of Mazar-i-Sharif, Kabul, Kunduz, Talakan and Herat. By the end of next week, the Pentagon expects the Taliban to have lost control of Jalalabad, Kandahar and their own bowels.

Now that the Taliban is gone, Afghani men are lining up at barber shops and shaving their beards off as a sign of freedom. Unfortunately, most of them are saying, “Make me look like A.J.”

A slew of Harry Potter tie-in merchandise arrives in stores this week. One popular item is a laboratory set which lets kids create magic potions which mystically transforms any carpet into a stained carpet.

Britney Spears’ Nov. 18 live HBO concert will also air on the AmericanForces Network where she will interact with the soldiers via satellite.The soldiers will in turn interact with Britney, via masturbation.

Jimmy Fallon: Speaking of Britney, she’s on the cover of Rolling Stone this week. Can we look at this thing. [ show magazine cover ] Ga-ga-ga-goin! Holy God! Hey, that’s nice. You know, something looks weird there, I think that photo’s doctored. That’s not her cleavage. That’s my ass! [ picture is transformed ] A lot of peopel ask me, and, yes, I do have implants in my ass.

Tina Fey: The highly-anticipated “Harry Potter” opened last night, in a record number of theaters. We are lucky to be joined now, direct from Hogwart’s Academy, by the very famous wizard himself, Mr. Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: Hello, Tina. Hello, Jimmy.

Tina Fey: Hello, Harry. Now, Hogwart’s, as I understand, is a school for wizards and witches. So, would you mind showing us some of your magic and wizardry?

Harry Potter: Oh, not at all! This is a trick I learned from the esteemed Mrs. McGonigle. It’s called The Mummy’s Finger. [ holds up box with his thumb sticking through a hole ] Look! It’s alive! Only those who have mastered the dark arts can perform this feat of sorcery!

Tina Fey: Yeah, uh.. I think I saw my nephew do that at a birthday party once. Do you have anything else?

Harry Potter: Oh, yes! This is a feat I learned from the dasterdly Severous Snake! [ holds up pencil ] Now.. this appears to be an ordinary pencil, but in the hands of a Gryffindor Wizard.. [ shakes pencil to make it look like rubber ] ..it becomes a rubber pencil!

Tina Fey: That’s how you fought a three-headed dog? By going like this? [ shakes her pencil to make it look like rubber ]

Harry Potter: Oh, Tina! You are a wizard, too!

Tina Fey: No! I’m not a wizard! There’s got to be something else. How about something from the School of Clairvoyance?

Harry Potter: Oh, I’m glad you asked, Tina! Pick a number between 1 and 3.

Tina Fey: [ puzzled ] 2?

Harry Potter: Oh! I knew you would pick 2, Tina! Not bad, huh?

Tina Fey: It’s stupid! There’s only one number between 1 and 3! It’s terrible! Harry, these tricks are lame, are you okay?

Harry Potter: [ crying ] It shows, doesn’t it? I’m so tired, I can’t take it any more! I can’t hide it!

Tina Fey: Did he who cannot be named zap your energy?

Harry Potter: No! I’ve been on a press junket for 73 days! All I do is make appearances! Last week, I was supposed to study with Hermionie, but my agent made me go with Andy Dick to the Shakira record release party! My cellphone’s ringing off the hook, those quags at Warner Bros. are riding my ass, and I’m supposed to catch the Golden Snitch?!

Tina Fey: Harry, I’m sorry. We didn’t realize you were under so much pressure.

Harry Potter: Well, I am! 125 million kids have read my book! If the movie isn’t good, they’re going to rip me a new one that no magic wand can repair!

Tina Fey: Good luck. You want to do one more trick before you go?

Harry Potter: Yeah, here’s a trick! I’ll make myself disappear! Whoosh! Whoosh! Happy now, you bloodsuckers! Whoosh! Whoosh! [ exits desk area ]

Tina Fey: Harry Potter, everyone.

Researchers say that men with short legs have an increased risk of heart disease and a condition that could lead to diabetes. Will Charlie Brown never win? You blocked artery head!

After the Northern Alliance freed cities formerly under Taliban control, for the first time in more than two years, women took off their veils and walked freely in the streets. Those whores.

A man named Harley Utz died Monday at the age of 103, ending his 83-year-long marriage, the longest on record. On the upside, at last we can be together, Mrs. Utz!

An all-white fraternity at the University of Alabama has admitted a back member, becoming the first Greek organization to break the school’s color barrier. To the fraternity, we say kudos; and to the new African-American frat brother, we say.. [ whispering ] ..”Be careful. It might be a trap.”

The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was televised Thursday night on ABC. Among the celebrities in attendance was billionaire Donald Trump checking out the new fall line of girlfriends.

The fashion show featured the heavenly star bra, which cost $2.5 million, with matching diamond-encrusted thong panties for $750,000. Thanks, Victoria’s Secret, but the only way I’m putting $750,000 worth of diamonds in my ass is if the Nazis are coming.

Finally tonight, in a small town in Germany this week, a man who was so drunk he couldn’t walk, was stopped by polie after borrowing his father’s electric wheelchair to go buy more liquor. He may be under arrest, but he still gets our “Winners Never Quit” award.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handey V/O:

Chapter 702.

“I had grown tired, tired of the hooligans and the shenanigans. I had to admit, I had even grown tired of the Flanagans.”

SNL Transcripts

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Fenced-In Area

Travis…..Billy Bob Thornton
Neighbor…..Will Ferrell
Brother…..Seth Meyers
Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Momma…..Ana Gasteyer
Pastor Moore…..Chris Kattan

[ open on exterior shot of farmhouse ]

[ dissolve to Travis holding a beer and staring at a fenced-in area of his yard, as his neighbor enters his yard ]

Travis: Hey.

Neighbor: Hey. [ a beat ] What’s going on with your fenced-in area?

Travis: [ thinking ] Well.. I fenced it in. Now I’m gonna do something with it. I’m thinking I might put in a basketball court or a pool.

Neighbor: This fenced-in area is not big enough for a pool.

Travis: [ thinking ] You know, maybe you’re right. Maybe I’ll get me a rottweiler, put it in there.

Neighbor: You can’t jam a rottweiler into your iny fenced-in area. How long has it been since you put in your fenced-in area?

Travis: Oh, eighteen months, thereabouts.

Neighbor: [ surprised ] Really? Has it been that long?

Travis: Yeah, you know that.

Neighbor: [ thinking ] I know. Why don’t you stack those tires in there?

Travis: [ put off ] I’m not gonna stack those tires in there!

Neighbor: Lord, I’m just trying to help.

Travis: [ peeved ] Well, leave it alone! What do you mean, coming in a man’s yard, telling him what to do about his own fenced-in area!

Neighbor: Well, you’re never gonna do anything with it.

Travis: You shut your mouth!

Neighbor: You know, what, I liked you better before you had your fenced-in area!

Travis: Well, you get the hell out of my yard, then!

Neighbor: Fine, then! [ exits yard ]

[ Brother enters from back porch ]

Brother: Hey.

Travis: Hey, little brother.

Brother: I figured you’d be back here by the fenced-in area.

Travis: Yup.

Brother: How’s it coming?

Travis: [ semi-confident ] I’m thinking about storing my lawnmower in there. Maybe some tools.

Brother: But don’t you already keep those things in the shed.

Travis: [ slightly peeved ] What?

Brother: Sorry. [ pause ] Hey, I’m gonna go drink some beers, and then go key Jeff Turner’s three-wheeler! You wanna come?

Travis: No, I think I’m just gonna.. mess around here by my fenced-in area.

Brother: Alright. [ turns away ] Hey, bro? I miss you. [ exits ]

Wife: [ enters from back porch ] Honey, come inside!

Travis: I’ll be in in a minute.

Wife: Honey, you promised me you were gonna make something with that fenced-in area!

Travis: Can’t you see I’m trying?!

Wife: No! You just drink beer and stare at it! I told you, it was either me, or the fenced-in area, and you chose the fenced-in area! Now, I am moving to Myrtle Beach to make my t-shirts! Have a nice life! [ exits to interior porch area ]

Travis: You just don’t understand! You’ll be back! [ to himself ] You’ll be back, alright..

[ dissolve to exterior shot of farmhouse ]

[ dissolve to Travis standing over his fenced-in area as Momma enters from back porch ]

Momma: Son, I’m so sorry Amy left you. I made you a green bean casserole.

Travis: [ somber ] Thank you, Momma.

Momma: Travis? Honey? Please. This fenced-in area is ruining your life! Just admit it, you’re never gonna do anything with it!

Travis: You don’t believe in me, Momma! You think I’m a failure!

Momma: No, I think your fenced-in area is a failure!

Travis: Same thing! [ Pastor Moore enters from the back porch ] Pastor Moore? What’s he doing here?

Momma: I thought you might need somebody to talk to.

Pastor Moore: I was thinking you might want to stop by the church. We could talk about the fenced-in area. If you want.

[ reflective banjo music pots up ]

Travis: I think there’s something I need to make clear about my fenced-in area. You see.. everybody in Gilbert County’s got a damn fenced-in area that’s cluttered with crap and brown weeds invading them like a cancer! Well, see, I’m better than that. I’m gonna make my fenced-in area an area that’s neat and special, with a special purpose. And then all the nayayers will have to say, “Dammit! He really did something with his fenced-in area, and now I feel inspired to clean up my own fenced-in area!” And others will see my fenced-in area, and inspiration will go on and on and on, from person to person, just like that! [ reflective pause ] I want my fenced-in area to be an inspiration. And.. if y’all an’t understand that.. then I was born in the wrong world.

Momma: Oh, my God, honey! I’m so proud of you!

Pastor Moore: God bless you.. and your fenced-in area. We’ll let you get back to work.

[ Momma and Pastor Moore back away as the camera zooms out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Heather Rosenfeld….Rachel Dratch
Mordy Kiddle….Chris Kattan
Imaginary goat voice…..Horatio Sanz

Singers: [ voice-over ]
“He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!”

Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. (A purple animal appears from behind the palm tree on TRACY’s left, then slips back behind it. The disclaimer changes and the voice-over continues to read, as a blue antelope and a green monkey appear on TRACY’s right)

Voice-Over: He is simple an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…

Singers: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! I’m Brian Fellow! (He gets a strong applause). Tonight we are gonna meet some animals who aren’t cute or cuddly, they’re weird. And I’m very excited and a little scared. So let’s get going! Our first guest enjoys eating tin cans and what not. Please welcome…a goat! (Heather Rosenfeld enters with a goat) And who are you?

Heather Rosenfeld: I’m Heather Rosenfeld of the Mid-Vermont Animal Allies Educational Cooperative in Rutland!

Brian Fellow: Of the what?

Heather Rosenfeld: The Mid-Vermont Animal Allies Educational Cooperative in Rutland!

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Heather Rosenfeld: Yes, I know.

Brian Fellow: That goat is weird!

Heather Rosenfeld: This is Thunder, she’s a spotted milking goat, and she was birthed during a severe rain storm, hence the name!

Brian Fellow: He has devil eyes!

Heather Rosenfeld: Well it’s actually a “she” Doctor Fellow, or a “doe” in goat talk.

Brian Fellow: Goats can’t talk, that’s crazy!

Heather Rosenfeld: (Confused) Well, what I mean by “goat talk” is the lingo that goaters like myself use. Of course, goats can’t talk!

Brian Fellow: That’s what I said.

Heather Rosenfeld: Yeah, th-they can’t talk.

Brian Fellow: I bet if this goat could talk, he would say things like curse words and call people “Doo-Doo Head”, and sing naughty songs….he’s weird!

Heather Rosenfeld: Well, its a “she”.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Heather Rosenfeld: I know. I know.

Brian Fellow: He just smiled at me! The devil goat smiled at me! Take him away!

Heather Rosenfeld: All right. Come on Thunder!(They leave the set)

Brian Fellow: I know goats can’t talk, but they can smile, and I don’t like that! (To camera) Sorry, our next guest is very special. Please welcome a miniature horse! (Mordy Kiddle enteres with a miniature horse) And who are you?

Mordy Kiddle: I’m Mordy Kiddle from the Animal Rescue Center in Phoenix, Arizona.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Mordy Kiddle: (confused) This is Apples, and she’s a miniature horse, and she’s one of our rescued animals. She was saved from a circus fire after some clowns set fire to some oily rags and burned down the Big Top…………Unfortunatley the monkeys weren’t so lucky.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Mordy Kiddle: (not knowing what to say) Hello!

Brian Fellow: That’s the biggest dog I’ve ever seen!………..What’s wrong with that dog?

Mordy Kiddle: Umm, its actually not a dog, its a miniature horse….

Brian Fellow: I wanna see that dog catch a frisbee!

Mordy Kiddle: Well sometimes people mistake, uh, him for a pony but he’s never a dog.

Brian Fellow: Did you see that weird goat?

Mordy Kiddle: Yeah.

Brian Fellow: He had devil eyes! I hope he gone!

Mordy Kiddle: Well, as I was saying, there’s an interesting difference between a pony and a miniature horse like Apples here…

A thought bubble appears above Brian Fellow’s head with the “devil goat” talking to him.

Imaginary goat– You think goats can’t talk don’t you Brian Fellow? That’s why everyone calls you a Doo-Doo Head! Haahaa! Brian Fellow’s a Doo-Doo Head! Ahhhhh!

Brian Fellow: SHUT UP!

Mordy Kiddle: Did you just tell me to shut up?

Brian Fellow: No, I was talking to that goat!

Mordy Kiddle: Wh-What goat?

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Mordy Kiddle: I know that! I’m Mordy, and we’re talking about my miniature horse, Apples!

Brian Fellow: If that goat is still here, I’m gonna wait outside his dressing room and just kill him.

Mordy Kiddle: Thats terrible! Hurting a little goat?

Brian Fellow: Can I bring your dog with me to help me trick that goat?…………Well that’s all the time we have today! Join me next time when we are gonna meet a tree frog. (starts laughing) Thats funny! A tree frog! I’m Brian Fellow!

Thanks to Justin Chilinski for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

TV Funhouse

Vocie of Bambi…..Amy Poehler
Voice of Thumper…..David Spade
…..Jared Fogel

Announcer: The beloved Disney classic is going away.

[ stock footage of Bambi’s mom being shot ]

Announcer: Walt Disney’s “Bambi” is going into the Disney vault for ten years, depriving your child or future children of this significant emotional milestone.

[ stock footage of Bambi’s mom being shot ]

Announcer: After May 27th, “Bambi” will be taken out of stores, placed in a security box, and frozen next to Walt Disney’s head. But there’s more news!

Announcer: On the heels of “Peter Pan: Return To Never Never Land”, “Cinderella II”, “Lady & The Tramp II”, and “Pokahotass”, Disney presents.. “Bambi 2002”.

[ footage shows Bambi talking to bandage-wrapped Mom ]

Bambi: Mother! You’re okay!

Bambi’s Mother: [ chuckling ] It’s just a leg wound, Son.

[ Bambi dodges hunter’s bullet a la “The Matrix” ]

Announcer: Bambi and the gang are back in business, and the forest has never been more fun.

Bambi: [ rapping ]
“I’m rappin’ Bambi
I’m here to say
I’m the breakfast of the forest every day!
I’ve got Flower, and Thumper
by my side
And I know how to kick!”

[ show Bambi and friends kicking on Osama bin Laden ]

Announcer: With high-powered Disney action!

Forest Animals: USA!! USA!! USA!!

Announcer: And all new hilarious Disney outtakes.

Bambi: We’ve got to find Thumper in the brair patch.. briar patch! Oh f–k this bulls–t!

Announcer: With David Spade as the sassy new Thumper!

Thumper: Yeah-ha-ha! Spin Thumper, and we’ll see! [ jumps into hole ]

Announcer: And Jared from the subway ads!

[ Jared and a bird hold out his fat pants in front of Bambi ]

Jared: Bambi, if I can lose weight.. you can get those terrorists!

[ show Bambi superimposed over a Yankees game ]

Announcer: Plus, the New York Yankees!

Bambi: Good work, guys! Let’s go!

[ show Bambi superimposed over a Miss Cleo commercial ]

Announcer: Walt Disney’s “Bambi 2002”! Rushed out in time for summer, with all the excitement you could ask for from the Disney sequel and the Disney animators, under the circumstances.

[ show Bambi cartoon image with human lip cutout speaking ]

Bambi: Boy, oh boy! Who’s gonna protect the forest from all these weapons!

Announcer: It’s all the Bambi you’ll get for ten years! “Bambi 2002”!

[ show Bambi’s Mom being handled by masseuse ]

Bambi: Come on, Mom! Do your exercises!

Announcer: Available on Disney DVD for only 48 hours – then all master tapes, cels and drawings will be destroyed, as if it never happened. Get it.

[ show Bambi superimposed in scene from “Shrek” ]

Bambi: Quit sulking, Shrek! Get ogre it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Demilon

Son…..Will Ferrell
Daughter…..Ana Gasteyer
Granddaughter…..Amy Poehler
Grandma…..Rachel Dratch

Son: As Mom got older, we began to worry about her memory.

Daughter: When the doctor said she had Alzheimer’s, we were devestated.

Granddaughter: We didn’t want to lose Grandma.

Son: Our doctors told us about Vaxalot. It worked great.

Grandma: What did you do with my money?!

Daughter: In fact, it worked a little too well.

Grandma: Where’s my house, you thieves?!

Son: We decided we needed another option.

Grandma: Do not resucitate?! I didn’t say I did!! This is not my signature!!

Granddaughter: That’s when we discovered.. Demilon.

Daughter: Demilon works just like Vaxalot – but with half the strength. And it works the same. So she’ll never know the difference.

Son: Thanks to Demilon, Mom’s back – just the way I want her.

Grandma: I’m having lunch.. with Elenour Roosevelt! And.. Yogi Bear!

Son: Happy mother’s Day, Mom.

Announcer: Demilon. Don’t ask your doctor. Ask yourself.

SNL Transcripts

01o: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue

Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater

Ms. Petite…..Ana Gasteyer
Professor…..Ian McKellen
Admiral…..Seth Meyers
Madame Calloway…..Amy Poehler
Lady Montbank…..Rachel Dratch
Duchess Lemontagne…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Steven Beckham…..Chris Parnell
Officer…..Dean Edwards
Judge Berlinsen…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: We now return to the conclusion of “Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater”.

[ dissolve to the hot air balloon, as its occupants seem distressed over something that happened earlier ]

Ms. Petite: This case shall never be solved! Judge Berlinsen was murdered two hours ago! Surely, by now, the killer has fled the scene.

[ Professor rises up from the floor of the balloon ]

Professor: On the contrary, my dear Ms. Petite. I believe the killer is still in this very hot air balloon basket!

[ the group is stunned by the realization that a killer is still among them ]

Admiral: How do you know, Professor?

Professor: In due time, Admiral. But, first, let’s look at the facts.. [ to Lady ] ..if you will, uh.. just excuse me.

Madame Calloway: Oh, yes, why of course!

Professor: Let’s just examine the evidence. First! We know the shot was fired at extremely close range.

Lady Montbank: How can you tell?

Professor: Well.. the exit wound indicates a blast-point of no more than two meters. In addition, we are in a hot air balloon. Hmm?

Madame Calloway: Agreed. But who fired the gun?

Professor: Oh, my dear Madame Calloway.. it’s simple! Think back to where we all were when we heard the shot. I was.. here! [ points ] The Admiral was over there! [ points ] Lady Montbank was here! [ points ] Ms. Petite was here! [ points ] Duchess Lemontagne was there! [ points ] And Madame Caraway was, of course, here! Whoever killed Judge Berlinsen had to have been… [ points ] ..there!

Duchess Lemontagne: Why, the only person who could have been standing there was-

Professor: That’s right! Dr. Steven Beckham!

[ everyone gasps at the amazing deduction ]

Dr. Steven Beckham: Well, that’s preposterous! When the shot was fired, I was nowhere near that part of the hot air balloon basket!

Professor: Oh, were you? I believe you had ample time to make the journey from that part of the basket.. to that part of the basket! Here’s what I believe happened..

[ dissolve to earlier in the balloon, everyone show in their earlier positions within the basket ]

Professor V/O: I think you waited until we were enjoying the view, moved over to Berlinsen, and shot him in the heart..

[ Dr. Steven Beckham wanders over to Judge Berlinsen unnoticed, and shoots him in the heart, then casually saunters to the back of the basket ]

Professor V/O: ..Then you walked calmy back to your part of the basket..

[ dissolve back to the current scene aboard the balloon ]

Professor V/O: ..As if nothing had happened.

Dr. Steven Beckham: [ laughing ] Oh-ho, absurd!

Professor: Really? If you never left that part of the basket, perhaps you can explain why I found your monogrammed hankerchief waaay over here, at the sight of the murder!!

[ music sting, as everyone expressed shock at the facts presented ]

Professor: The jig is up, Beckham!

Dr. Steven Beckham: Al-right! [ holds up gun ] I did it! I hated Berlinsen, and I killed him! But none of you will be around long enough to tell anyone!

Professor: Not so fast, Beckham! [ swats at Beckham’s gun with his pipe, knocking the gun to the floor ] Give up, Beckham! You’ve no weapon.. and we are in a hot air balloon! You’re under arrest!

Dr. Steven Beckham: But you’ll have to catch me first, Professor!

Professor: Stop that man!

[ Dr. Steven Beckham starts running in circles around the hot air balloon basket, slipping between everyone on board as they frantically yell “Catch him Catch him!” ]

Professor: I’ve.. got you!

Dr. Steven Beckham: Oh no, you haven’t!

[ Dr. Steven Beckham continues to run amok in the balloon, finally seized by the Professor as he attempts to sneak behind Madame Calloway ]

Professor: It’s over, Beckham.

Dr. Steven Beckham: [ defeated ] Blast! I thought for sure you’d never figure it out!

Professor: That was your first mistake – and your last!

Officer: [ rises up from the floor of the balloon ] Well done, Professor! It’s off to Newgate with you, scoundrel!

Admiral: Professor, I don’t know how to thank you!

Professor: It’s all a day’s work, my friends. And, now, I’m afraid I must be off. I have other wrongs to right! On other hot air balloon flights! Farewell!

[ Professor jumps out of the balloon, screaming as everyone talks amongst themselves ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Annoucer: Tune in next week, for another episode of “Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater”.

SNL Transcripts

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Paris Hilton…..Maya Rudolph
Nicki Hilton…..Kirsten Dunst
…..Chris Kattan
…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hello. I’m Jimmy Fallon

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharone arrived in Washington on Sunday Night to give President Bush a 91 page book proving that Yassa Arafat funded terrorists. White House sources say Bush has the book, and is almost done colouring it. According to a University of Michagon studies, the March 2000 Today Show broadcast of Katie Kirks colanoscapy prompted many Americans to undergo the test themselves. However, mourning TV viewers were actually more curious to see what’s up Bryant Gumbel’s ass.

Bostons arch diacies announced they will be selling Church properties to raise money for the settlement of sex abuse cases. They’ll start by selling alter boy robes, which are currently half off.

NBC announced this week that they will be producing a 3 hour TV movie based on the life of Rudolph Giuliani. To keep the movie real to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikeable until the last 15 minutes when everyone loves him.

The woman that had accused singer James Brown of sexual harrassment is seeking a new trial in her 2 million dollar law suit. Undetered, Brown used this hand and mouth signal to make a settlement to the plantiff. (Picture is of James Brown doing the obscure hand and mouth gesture to indicate a blowjob)

KNOCK SOUND AT THE WEEKEND UPDATE DOOR Tina Fey: What is that?

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think someones at the Update door.

Tina Fey: I’ll see who it is.

OPENS DOOR, NICKI AND PARIS HILTON WALK IN
Tina Fey: Oh hi. It’s New York socialites and Maxim covergirls Nicki and Paris Hilton. Hi ladies.

Jimmy Fallon: What have you girls been up to?

Paris Hilton: Oh, you know, partying, making the scene with digi, and hitting the clubs of Southbeach with our signature style.

Nicki Hilton: Also, I just finished 7th grade.

Tina Fey: Well, whats next for you guys?

Nicki Hilton: I’m gonna do some partying. And some progressive tanning, try to get down to my summertime weight.

PARIS FALLS OVER

Tina Fey: Paris fell over.

Jimmy Fallon: Paris fell over, yeah

Tina Fey: Paris get up! Stick your boob– Put your boob back in your shirt Paris. Real good.

NICKI’S HAND REMAINS ON PARIS’S BOOB AS THEY GET UP. SHE LETS GO WHEN TINA STARTS TALKING

Tina Fey: Ok, well thanks for coming by, but we have to get back to work now.

Paris Hilton: We know.

Both (Nicki & Paris): Bye. (They leave)

Jimmy Fallon: The Hilton sisters everybody.

Tina Fey: Bye Hilton sisters. They’re really lovely.

On Thursday, Rhode Islands senate passed a bill to issue liscence plates honouring the 50th birthday of Mr. Potato Head. Then on Friday, Rhode Island state unanamously passed a bill prohibiting them from passing bills when everyone is drunk.

A federal judge ruled that nude pictures in Junes ‘Penthouse’ magazine and not of tennis star Anna Kournikova as advertised. Also, it turns out that the 2 viking girls going at in on page 93 are not real vikings.

Jimmy Fallon: Really?

Tina Fey: They’re not.

Jimmy Fallon: This week a British man was arrewsted after running naked in front of a motor cade carrying Queen Elizabeth. Here now with a terrible re’enacment of that event is our own Chris Kattan.

Chris Kattan: (Dressed as Queen Elizabeth) Hello my loyal subjects. (Walks off screen)

HE STREAKS BACK AND FORWARD OFF THE SCREEN. Chris Kattan: (As queen again) Oh, I’m scandalised. (Falls over)

Tina Fey: Truely terrible re-enacment.

Commenting on his love life this week, Mike Tyson has blamed the press saying they have quote “Written so much bad stuff about me, I can’t remember the last time I -BLEEPED- a decent woman. I have to -BLEEP- strippers and whores and -BLEEP- because you put that image on me.” Michael, Michael… You had me at -BLEEP-.

This week in Balagraid, the Serbian version of ‘Who Wants to ba a Millionaire?’ made its debut. There were no survivors.

Last week Robert Blake asked the judge for more time with his lawyers, claiming he almost can’t read because of severe dislexia. That explains why he shot his wife, and then went to get a gun in the restaurant.

Jimmy Fallon: I guess, is that right?

The world health orginisation has officially declared that the Ebola outbreak in Gabon, Africa, which killed over 50 people, has ended. So feel free to go ahead and take that trip to Gabon, a country that for now is not experiencing an Ebola outbreak.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now with some celebrity gossip, is our own Chris Parnell, everybody.

Chris Parnell: Well, the ‘it’ girl of the moment, the person everyone is talking about is our host tonight, Miss Kirsten Dunst. People want to know, who is she dating? Is there a special man in her life? Well… arggg, Kirsten don’t hate me for this, but I just have to say it. Ummm.. Kirsten Dunst and I, Chris Parnell have been dating for the last 3 years. Yeah, she’s amazing. We’ve just been hanging out in L.A and having a really good time.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, that’s news to me.

Tina Fey: Yeah, Chris this is news to all of us. Really hard to believe news.

Chris Parnell: Well, she’s a very private person and she probably won’t admit to any of this. But, umm, we love each other very much, and it might sound corny, but to celebrate our love, I wrote a song about our life together. So Kirsten, this is for you.

Yo Yo Yo Listen up! This is a true love song! Uh huh Uh huh Ever since the day I was born I’ve been looking for a ho’ that I could call my own. A beautiful dream I’s just waiting to be shown. And then God-o-mighty throws me a mother f ‘ ing bone. One day she knocked on my door and like a suicidal virgin laid down on the floor. She said “Sweet C.P. please take me, I’m yours!” But then the bitch passed out and she started to snore. Turns out she got some bad “E” but then I woke her up and showed her true ecstasy. And before she went blind I said “girl get off of me!” But she said “I’m enjoying my ride, cant you see?” I got my Kirsten D a million G’s Fly 23’s, Mercedes E’s Penthouse parties, Prada Tee’s and a chris-craft 43 to sail the seven seas Just livin it up on the West side Everybodys just chillin pool side While my rhymes are going world wide, K.D and me are gonna do some slip ‘n slide. In the morning, I went for a run and when i got got home she was lying in the sun. Naked like a statue, the goddess of fun. And she removed my shorts, my shoes, and my gun. Then suddenly, from out of the blue, the shots ran out from behind the bamboo. So I went crazy like Shaka ZuLu I grabbed my gat and put the mother f ‘ ing heat on those fools. What is this crap? Have I been capped? Could this be true..my life is through? Its just a nick, I must be quick, Kirsten get into the pool. Ten mintues later the clowns were all dead So I buried them all in the big flower bed I apologized to Kirsten for all the blood shed. She just smiled and took me back to bed. I got my Kirsten D a million G’s Fly 23’s, Mercedes E’s, Penthouse parties, Prada Tees, and a Chriscraft 43 to sail the seven seas Just livin it up on the west side Everybodys just chillin pool side While my rhymes are going world wide K.D and me are gonna do some slip and slide.

Chris Parnell: Yeah, thank you. I know it sounds crazy, but thats our life!!

Kirsten Dunst: Chris.

Chris Parnell: Oh, hi Kirsten.

Kirsten Dunst: What are you doing?

Chris Parnell: Honey, nows not the time.

Kirsten Dunst: OK, everybody, for the record, I met Chris Parnell 6 days ago. We have never dated, and we certainly have not been having sex in his pool or fighting gun battles. I’m sorry, Jimmy, Tina, I’m really sorry.

Tina Fey: No, I’m sorry, I apologise.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, we’re sorry together. Sorry about that Kirsten.

Kirsten Dunst: Bye.

Chris Parnell: Yeah, you know, shes uncomfortable talking about us, shes very private.

Kirsten Dunst: CHRIS!!! CHRIS!!

Chris Parnell: It was all a lie.

Jimmy Fallon: Chris Parnell everybody!! For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thanks to Roseanne Sigglekow for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts