Month: October 2018

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

The Shout-Out Show

Grandmaster Freddy…..Tracy Morgan
Ken Stein…..Chris Kattan
Zola…..Maya Rudolph
Big Perv…..Dean Edwards
Murphy…..Jeff Richards
Dina Dexter…..Pink
Robert Saltzman…..Josh Hartnett

Announcer: Live, from the Albany Projects in Brooklyn, U.S.A., it’s “The Shout-Out Show”! With your host, Grandmaster Freddy!

Grandmaster Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! This is Grandmaster Freddy! And this is “The Shout-Out Show”! First of all, I gotta give a Big Dog shout-out to the audience, ’cause y’all doin’ big things! [ audience applauds wildly ] That’s right! A’ight! And I’d also like to give a big shout-out to my station manager, Ken Stein!

Ken Stein: [ humbled ] Thanks, Grandmaster! Shout-ut to you, too! Ha ha!

Grandmaster Freddy: Let’s not forget to give a special shout-out to our official sponsor – Sobe Sports Drink! Sobe! Just drink it! And a special shout-out goes to your Airness, Michael Jordan! Your wife Juanita about to take yo ass to the cleaners! So keep your head up, baller! Hey, Juany – give me a call tomorrow, baby!

Now, we gonna head straight to the phone lines, so all you cats out there can make sopme shout-outs! So make ’em laugh – do the damn thing! First caller, you on “The Shout-Out Show”!

Zola: Hey, Freddy! I’d like to give a shout-out to all my co-workers in housekeeping at the Brooklyn Comfort Inn!

Grandmaster Freddy: Big minimum wage shout-out to housekeeping over at the BK Comfort Inn! You know you who is!

Zola: I also wanna shout-out to my sister, Avia Raedell, who’s over in the Army Reserve – gotta shout you out, girl!

Grandmaster Freddy: That shout’s going out to G.I. Jane, who’s serving Uncle Sam!

Zola: And I’d like to give a special shout-out to the makers of Valtrex, for helping me with my herpes problem!

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight! Medicinal shout-out to Valtrex! We gotta move on! Next caller!

Big Perv: Hey, yo, yo! Freddy! Yo, this is Big Perv from up North, yo! I’d like to give a crazy shout-out to the three females who’s currently pregnant by me!

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight! Unwanted pregnancy shout-out to the knocked-up chicks in your life!

Big Perv: Yo, and I want to shout-out my three kids – Pervis, Jr., Delronna, and Felsgar! Daddy loves you, be out in 2005 – peace!

Grandmaster Freddy: Dysfunctional shout-out to your boys! Next caller, you’re on “The Shout-Out Show” with Grandmaster!

Murphy: Hey, Grandmaster, hey! I’d like to send a major shout-out to all the guys in Mergers and Acquisitions at Merryl Lynch, and, oh..! Also, a shout-out to Pierre Desomaliar in Pinchot Lane.. and another shout-out to my bud Tucker at the Shag Harbor Yacht Club! [ chuckles ]

Grandmaster Freddy: Big Caucasian shout-out to all those dudes – all those square ones – from another lame white boy! Just time for y’all favorite segment – the Shout-Out of the Week! This week’s winner is from Hell’s Kitchen, here in New York. How ’bout a shout-out for Dina Dexter!

[ Dina Dexter enters set ]

Dina Dexter: What’s up, chickenheads! First of all, I want to give a shout-out to all the girls I work with outside the 8th Ave. entrance to the Port Authority Bus Terminal! I love you all! Except for Nisha – I know you ate my fish sandwich, bitch! And when I find you, I’m gonna cut you up! [ exits ]

Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to all the street walkers outside the Port Authority – minus the fish sandwich girl who’s gonna get cut! Now, it’s time for my guest. He’s an associate director of the city harvest – check this out, it’s a food rescue program! how ’bout a warm shout-out to Robert Saltzman!

[ Robert Saltzman enters set ]

Grandmaster Freddy: What’s up, damn! Oh, man, give me some love, babe!

Robert Saltzman: What’s up?

Grandmaster Freddy: Sit down, have a seat, dog! [ they sit ] All right! Welcome, Robert, to “The Shout-Out Show”!

Robert Saltzman: Word, man! Thank you, thank you!

Grandmaster Freddy: Alright! So, who you gonna shout-out first?!

Robert Saltzman: Well, you know, as Associate Director of the City Harvest, I’d like to give a big shout-out to al the volunteers, who, you know, are leading the battle against hunger, and against all the, uh.. against hunger, basically.

Grandmaster Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Big non-profit shout to the City Harvest!

Robert Saltzman: Yeah. Well, as you know, there are five million pounds of food thrown away each year by New York restaurants.. and, at the same time, almost a million people go hungry, and half of them children.

Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to starving children!

Robert Saltzman: Well, uh.. I don’t think you really.. no, I’m sure you don’t mean that. Hey, uh.. starving children are not who you should be giving a shout-out to, right?

Grandmaster Freddy: Nah, nah, it don’t work that way, period! This “The Shout-Out Show”, cuz!

Robert Saltzman: Yeah, but.. I’m talking about single mothers in poverty here.. I’m talking about women who are malnourished to the point that they stop having regular menstrual cycles.

Grandmaster Freddy: Big, big gynecological shout-out to irregular menstrual cycles! And on that note, another shout-out to our sponsor! Sobe!

Robert Saltzman: Listen, man, we met one family that was so desperate for food, they were forced to eat garbage!

Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to eating garbage!

Robert Saltzman: Why would you give a shout-out to eating garbage?! Innocent people are starving right here, in this city!

Grandmaster Freddy: Special shout-out to dead people! [ laughs ] We are about out of time, any upcoming projects you wanna tell us about?

Robert Saltzman: Yeah.. I was gonna tell..

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!

Robert Saltzman: I was..

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!

Robert Saltzman: I was gonna talk about..

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!

Robert Saltzman: ..the City Harvest Walk-a-Thon..

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!

Robert Saltzman: ..that we planned to draw awareness to both the feeding of the hungry, and drig abuse!

Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to drug abuse! A’ight! [ Robert storms off the set ] Shout-out to the cat that just walked off my show! Dig this here! That’s it for this week! I’d like to give a final shout-out to the New York Jets, who unfortunately ate it earlier tonight! Like those homeless people eating garbage! Do the damn thing!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 8

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

The Robert Goulet All Holiday Special

Robert Goulet…… Will Ferrell
Voice Over…… Darrell Hammond
Watson…… Darrell Hammond
Michael Crawford…… Hugh Jackman
Elf……Chris Kattan

Robert Goulet: [singing]
“Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling ding ding ding-a-ling diiiing
It’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with youuuuu.”

Hello. Robert Goulet here. It’s that time of year again. Fruitcakes, mistletoe, channukahs. The whole bag. You know, it’s the holiday season and we over here at the USA Network have cooked up a doozy. It’s the Robert Goulet All Holiday Special, taped live here in fabulous Lake Tahoe, Nevada.

[singing]
“‘Come’, they told me, pa-ra-pa-pa-pum
A new born king to see da-ba-doo be-doo-be-doo-beee.”

Stuff like that. And don’t worry there’ll be some Jewish stuff, too.

[sings mockingly]
“Dreidel-doodle-didle Tra-la-dreidel-doodle…”

The dreidel song! But believe me, it doesn’t stop there. Do you like classic rock and roll?

[cuts to Robert Goulet in very bad red and yellow suit singing Proud Mary with back up singers]

Voice Over: It’s the Robert Goulet All Holiday Special. Music, dancing and hilarious comedy spoofs written by Robert himself!

[Cuts to Robert Goulet in Sherlock Holmes costume]

Robert Goulet: Watson! Get in here. I’ve discovered a clue!

Watson: What is it, Mr. Sherlock Holmes? [Starts laughing]

[Both laugh uncontrollably as Robert Goulet pulls out a large pair of women’s underpants from the dresser]

Robert Goulet: It’s Monica Lewinsky’s undergarments! [Cracks up laughing] Oh, I love this political stuff! We’ll cut all this, don’t worry…

Voice Over: It’s Goulet, Robert Goulet, along with Broadway’s hottest stars. Like Michael Crawford.

[Cut to Michael Crawford in ‘Phantom of the Opera’ costume and Robert Goulet wearing a lopsided mask over the top of his sunglasses]

Robert Goulet: [singing] “Floating, falling. Sweet intoxication.”

Michael Crawford: [singing] “Touch me, trust me. Savour each sensation.”

Robert Goulet: “Let the dream begin.”

Michael Crawford: “Let your darker side give in.”

Both: “To the power of the…”

[Goulet falters and Crawford begins to show him up]

Michael Crawford: “…music that I write. The power of the music of the niiiight!”

[Goulet punch Crawford in the stomach]

[Cut to Robert Goulet on rooftop with Elf]

Robert Goulet: [singing]
“Up on the rooftop reindeer paws,
Out jumps good old Santa Claus.
Down through the chimney with lots of toys,
All for the little ones Christmas joys.”

Elf: [singing]
“Ho! Ho!Ho! Who would know?
Ho! Ho!Ho! Who would know?”

Robert Goulet: [begins singing] “Up on the rooftop…” [slips and falls off roof] Ow! Ow! If I didn’t break my arm it sure as hell felt like I did… No, I see the bone, I definitely broke it.

[Cuts to Robert Goulet with his arm in plaster as well as Michael Crawford, Elf and back-up singers]

Robert Goulet: So join me, Robert Goulet, and all my friends. Whaddya say we bring this puppy home?

[singing]
“Hurry home for Christmas
Hurry home for Christmas.”

Do you smell smoke?

[Room starts to fill with smoke]

“Hurry Home for Christmas
Till you’re home for Christmas Daaaay… I smell smoke!
Till you get here jingle, dingle, jingle not a single day…”

Good God that’s a lot of smoke! What’s going on here?

[Cast starts to walk off stage]

“Since you’ve been away dearNo reindeer have come here…”

Everyone’s clearing out, that’s interesting.

“Santa Claus, of course, dear
Za ba doo ba…”

It might have been my cigar, I don’t know! [camera frame drops] Hey! Camera Man! You can’t leave, what are you doing? Oh boy, this special is doooomed.

“Da ba doo da be doo…”

[begins talking to stuffed goat on stage]

What’s that, Clive? No I don’t speak Spanish. What sort of question is that? Have you been drinking? [to camera] Oh well, just watch the show. Happy Holidays everyone…

Voice Over: The Robert Goulet All Holiday Special: look for it!…. Sometime.

Submitted by: Johanna Hunt

SNL Transcripts

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

The Christmas Kangaroo

…..Hugh Jackman
Dad…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Hugh sitting on the main stage ]

Hugh Jackman: It’s a joyous time of the year, Christmas, which millions of people around the globe celebrate in a variety of ways. Here in America, children are visited by Santa Claus, a magical fat man from the North Pole who slides down the chimney, leaves presents under a tree. But in Australia, where I’m from, instead of Santa Claus, we were visited by the Christmas Kangaroo, who brought gifts for all the boys and girls. But the Christmas Kangaroo wouldn’t just give you the gifts.

[ dissolve to Christmas Kangaroo visiting young Hugh and his siblings at Christmas ]

Hugh Jackman V/O: You see, we Australians are a rough-and-tumble bunch, and this kangaroo lived by code. Your father would have to fight him for the gifts.

[ Christmas Kangaroo punches Dad in the face ]

Sometimes the fights would turn nasty.

[ Dad smashes chair over Christmas Kangaroo’s head, winning the fight ]

But when your dad won, you would get anything you wanted.

[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]

Hugh Jackman: Christmas was my favorite time of the year. I always looked forward to the return of the Christmas Kangaroo. But.. then when I was 12, tragedy struck. My dad lost the fight.

[ dissolve to Christmas Kangaroo beating up Dad again ]

Hugh Jackman V/O: When the Kangaroo won, it was pretty much up to him what happened him. More often than not, that’d mean we didn’t get presents..

[ Christmas Kangaroo throws Dad over the couch and anal rapes him ]

..and my dad got sodomized.

[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]

Hugh Jackman: It was a rough time around the Jackman homestead. I thought things would get better next Christmas, but no. My father ended up losing the next four years in a row. It was horrible. After a while, I questioned if my dad was even trying to win.

[ dissolve to older Dad primpimg in preparation for the Christmas Kangaroo’s arrival ]

[ the Kangaroo arrives, and Dad lays a few girly punches before throwing in the towel ]

Dad: Damn. Looks like you win. Again. Kids, go get him a Scotch and Soda.

[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]

Hugh Jackman: I mean, sure, sure, the Kangaroo gave us gifts.. but I just felt dirty accepting them. It seemed like a hell of a price to pay just so I could have a sweater vest. Luckily, when I was seventeen, after a five-year winning streak, the Kangaroo lost.

[ dissolve to Dad approaching the Christmas Kangaroo as he enters the living room ]

Dad: Hello, Freckles. [ teenaged Hugh jumps and pounds the Christmas Kangaroo to death ] No-o-o-o-o!!! You killed Freckles! I mean.. yay, it’s over.

[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]

Hugh Jackman: And that’s how the Christmas Kangaroo’s reign of terror ended. Now, sure, on Christmas morning all the Australian boys and girls might not get toys, but it spared the horror of watching a giant marsupial taking their old man to browntown. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about? Happy Holidays, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 8

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Jarret’s Room

Jarret….Jimmy Fallon
Gobi….Horatio Sanz
DJ Johnatan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Stanley Justin….Hugh Jackman
Jeff….Jeff Richards

[Opens with Jarret’s computer screen, electronicbeeps,dreadlocked Jarret fixes the web-cam on himself.He sits at the edge of his bed in his room.]

Jarret: What’s up everybody? It’s me Jarret coming toyou live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College.It’s kind of quiet here right now because everyonealready went home on Christmas break. Me and Gobidecided to stick around and have the dorm all toourselves. We thought it would be cool like the movie”The Shinning” then remembered that the guy in “TheShinning” went crazy and tried to kill his family.Anyway I’m joined by my in-house DJ. DJ JohnatanFeinstein! What’s up Johnatan?!

[Pushes camera to the side, Johnatan has an Eurotrashlook on him. Big sunglasses, bleached blond hair. Hestands in front of his music equipment, turntables,volume levels]

DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[English accent]Wicked! All Ican say is I hope everyone gets what they want forChristmas and have a merry boxing day!

Jarret: Hey, Johnatan how come you didn’t go home forChristmas this year?

DJ Johnatan Feinstein: Me mom didn’t have the quid topay the Concorde back to Heathrow!

Jarret: Dude, for the last time you’re from New Jersey.

DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[demoralized, Americanaccent]Hey, let me have my thing, man. I’m not hurtinganyone.[English accent]But check out this wickedHoliday remix!

[Plays “Where’s your head at?” abrupt change in music”Grandma got run over by a reindeer…” Jarret fixesthe camera on himself again]

Jarret: All right, cool. Well, you may have seen mynext guest passed out on the 30 yard line of thefootball field during the last week’s game againstBowden. Please welcome my best friend and roomate,Gobi!

[A long purple glass tube slowly starts appearing infront of Jarret. Gobi is heard off screen]

Gobi:[to the tune of “2001 a Space Oddysey”]Bo-o-ong!Bo-o-o-o-ong! Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong![his face right intothe camera, laughing] BIG BONG!!! HAHAHA!!! Whooo!!Check it out, dude! I got my Christmas present from myparents!

Jarret: Your parents got you a bong for Christmas?

Gobi: No. They got me money. Told me to get somebooks. Hahahaha!!! Oh, man! Oh yeah, I forgot to tellyou. You know that bag of stash that you had hangingabove your door? I smoked it.

Jarret: That wasn’t my stash, dude. That was mistletoe.

Gobi:[thinks]I smoked it.[laughs]

Jarret: I’m pretty sure that stuff is poisonous. Youshould go see a doctor.

Gobi: Aww, whatever dude!

Jarret: Well, Christmas is almost here and you knowwhat that means. Pretty soon those awesome Christmasspecials are going to on tv. Some guy I know tipped usoff to this cool thing you should try at home. If youwatch “Santa Claus is coming to town” while listeningto “White Room” by “Cream” it totally matches up. Check it out.

[Jarret clicks computer keys, cuts to a claymationcartoon of a talking snowman with Santa Claus. Musicplays “In a white room/with black curtains/in thestation” Reindeers take Santa flying. Cut back toJarret and Gobi bouncing up and down on the edge of the bed.]

Jarret and Gobi: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Gobi: NO WAAAAAAYYY!!!!

Jarret: I swear to God…[Jimmy cracks up to Horatio’sshout] after the 10th time it kind of works.

Gobi:[probably ad-lib] Kind of works. Oh dude, ittotally looks like Ronald McDonalds was playing drums.

Jarret:[Jimmy is lost]What are you talking about?

Gobi: You know….

[Jimmy cracks up again]

Jarret: I’m pretty sure that mistletoe is plastic.

Gobi:[fake fear] Oooohhhh, oooohhhh….

[Jimmy cracks up hard]

Gobi: EVEN BETTER!!! Aaahh…

[Jimmy recovers]

Jarret: All right. Our next guest is the other kidwho’s staying on the dorm over the break. Pleasewelcome, Stanley Justin.

[Camera pans to the door. In comes Stanley, a realultra nerd,braces on his teeth prevent him tocompletely shutting his mouth. DJ Johnatan Feinsteinplays “Grandma got run over by a reindeer…” Stanleyscratches some on the turntable, gives big thumbs upand sits at the dge of the bed with Jarret and Gobi]

Jarret: Hey, man.

Gobi: What’s up, man?

Stanley Justin: How is it going? It’s great to behere, Jarret. Before we begin, can I say something? Isthat ok?

Jarret: Yeah, yeah.

Gobi: Yeah.

Stanley Justin: Are you ok? Ok, I’d like to addressMr. Sam Raimi if I may, ok. As you all know, “Spiderman” is going to be played by none other than low-keymumbler Tobey McGuire. Hey, geniuses why don’t youthrow in Michael Caine as Captain America and you can,you know just have the whole cast of “The Cider HouseRules” destroy the Marvel Universe in one long swoop!I ask you,[face right in the camera]are you peopletrying to ruin my life??!! No, seriously, man!

Jarret: We used to make fun of Stanley but he showedus how to hook up one of those internet spy-cams inour roomate’s Jeff room. So Stanley is here tointroduce our newest segment Jarret’s Room’s FunniestHome Videos. Ok.

[Caption: Jarret’s Room’s Funniest Home Videos. Jarretplays some bongos]

Stanley Justin: Ok, we collected over 300 hours offootage from the spy-cam in Jeff’s room and we’veselected 3 finalists.

Jarret: The first clip is what we like to call “Eye ofthe Tiger”

[Spy-cam shows Jeff shirtless, making muscles and badass faces. “Rocky III” theme “Eye of the Tiger” plays.Back to Jarret’s room]

Jarret: What a meathead! If I wasn’t fully convincedthat he could kick my ass I would totally rag on himabout that.

Stanley Justin: Ok, the next clip is one I’ve entitled”Stop and smell the roses”

[Spy-cam shoes Jeff in bed taking underwear from alaundry basket and smelling them]

: Dirty.[Tosses it aside. Grabs another brief,smell it]Dirty.[tosses it aside, grabs anotherskivvie, deep whiff]Re-e-e-ally dirty.

[Back to Jarret’s room Gobi, Jarret and Stanley aredisgusted]

Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeewwww!!!!

Stanley Justin: Gross, man!

Jarret: I get the feeling he’s not just checking tosee if those were really clean.

Stanley Justin: No, the important thing to realize isthat that clip goes on for like 3 more hours!

Gobi: OH, NO!!!![Stanley and Jarret look back atGobi]THAT WAS MY LAUNDRY BASKET!!!!

[Gobi jumps in the bed. Grabs Jarret and Stanleyshaking them]

Stanley Justin: The last clip is entitled “Guess who’s back?”

[Spy-cam shows Jeff attaching a shaving razor blade toruler. Jeff has foam on his back and starts shavinghis back.]

Jeff: Smooth as a baby’s ass.

[Back to Jarret’s room. Jarret, Gobi and Stanley makedisgusted faces]

Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeeewwwww!!!!

Jarret: Gross.That’s all the time we have. I want tothank Stan and Gobi. This is Jarret logging off! DJJohnatan Feinstein take us out!

[DJ Johnatan Feinstein plays “Grandma got run over bya reindeer”. Log off.]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger’s Dressing Room

…..Mick Jagger
Reflection…..Jimmy Fallon

[ Mick Jagger enters his dressing room and sits in front of the mirror ]Mick Jagger: Here we are at “Saturday Night Live” again, I mean what more can I do? I did it in the 70’s, I did it in the 80’s, I did it in the 90’s, and now I’m doing it in.. whatever you call this decade. I mean, think! Think!

[ stares at his reflection, which mirrors back at him in response ]

Reflection: Come on, Mick, we can do this! Right? Yeah!

Mick Jagger: That’s not the point, I mean.. I’ve done this! That’s the point. I’ve done this.

Reflection: What were you planning on doing?

Mick Jagger: Well.. I was gonna come out, and I was gonna, like.. [ motions back and forth with his reflection ] And, then.. I was gonna do, maybe, like.. [ shakes his hands back and forth ]

Reflection: Alright, pretty good, yeah, right.

Mick Jagger: And, then, a thing that the Stones like, punching the air, like.. [ demonstrates punching the air ]

Reflection: Yeah, well, what else you got?

Mick Jagger: Uh, well.. pointing fingers! We do Pointing fingers.

Reflection: Yeah, what is pointing fingers?

Mick Jagger: You know, like.. [ points his fingers at reflection ] ..”I’m pointing my fingers! I’m point my fingers at you!”

Reflection: That’s good, right! A little sta-ile.

Mick Jagger: Sta-ile? [ laughs ] Pointing fingers is what I’ve got going on now! Pointing fingers is today!

Reflection: Oh no, sta-ile! I meant, sta-ile, not great. Sta-ile. [ drinks tea ]

Mick Jagger: What’s you got there?

Reflection: It’s tea. You want some?

Mick Jagger: Yeah! [ grabs cup through mirror, and drinks ]

Reflection: You know, I’ve got a great idea!

Mick Jagger: Get going!

Reflection: Yeah, why don’t you go out and do the Rooster? [ motions like the Rooster ]

Mick Jagger: That’s a great idea, you know, that Rooster. Yeah, why don’t you just put me in a bloody time capsule to 1969! I mean, you said the pointing fingers was sta-ile! I mean, that’s completely sta-ile!

Reflection: Alright, don’t yell at me!

Mick Jagger: I’m not yelling at you!

Reflection: You’re yelling at me!

Mick Jagger: I’m not yelling at you!

Reflection: You’re yelling at yourself! Now, look – just don’t do what you’ve done.

Mick Jagger: What? I’m not dumb! I’m not gonna do what I’ve done! I just do what I do!

Reflection: Well, do what you do. Just don’t do what you’ve done, that’s dull.

Mick Jagger: Well, I’m not gonna do that, am I? I’m just gonna do what I do, that’s what I do!

Reflection: Yeah, alright, well just do it!

Mick Jagger: Alright, then! Well, that’s done and done, then, ain’t it? By the way – you look great!

Reflection: No, no.. we look great!

Mick Jagger: Hey, let’s go over pointing fingers again.

Reflection: Okay.

Together: “And I’m poi-oi-ointing my finger! I’m pointing, I’m pointing, I’m pointing at you-ou-ou-ou-ou!!“

[ they shake hands as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

White House Meeting

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Condaleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
Colin Powell…..Dean Edwards
General Meyers…..Seth Meyers
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ fade to interior, President George W. Bush holding meeting with Condaleeza Rice, Colin Powell and General Meyers ]

President George W. Bush: Thanks for coming, Connie, Colin, General Meyers. I’ve called this meeting because with the campaign in Afghanistan winding down, the time is fast approaching when we’ll have to deal with Saddam Hussein to finish a job that should’ve been finished ten years ago – thanks, Dad! Now, General Meyers has been exploring our military options. And as soon as Secretary Rumsfield gets here, he’ll lay them out for us.

Condaleeza Rice: What about the Vice-President?

President George W. Bush: Well, Vice-President Cheney is joining us via videophone from an undisclosed secure location. [ presses button ] Dick? Are you there?

Dick Cheney: I’m here, Mr. President. Condaleeza, Colin, General Meyers.. good to be with you.

President George W. Bush: You’re looking good! Where are you, anyway?

Dick Cheney: [ chuckles ] Mr. President, you know I can’t tell you that!

President George W. Bush: Sorry.

Dick Cheney: That’s quite alright. [ mimes telephone to his ear and whispers ] Connie.. call me!

[ phone rings ]

President George W. Bush: That’ll be Rumsfeld. [ picks up phone ] Hello!

[ screen shows a bearded Al Gore talking on the phone ]

Al Gore: Well, hello, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Oh, hi, Al. How are you.

Al Gore: Wonderful! I finally got through! Listen. I’m just calling to let you know that, despite our differences in the past, I’m fully behind you at this time.

President George W. Bush: Well, that’s very kind.

Al Gore: Well, you know, I just want to offer my services n any way I can to your administration. I’m actually not all that busy right now, so I’m available to help.

President George W. Bush: Well, thanks, that’s good to know. Listen, I may have to let you go, because we’re kind of in the middle of something. You understand.

Al Gore: Oh, certainly, that’s why I’m offering my help. Right now, you’ve got so much on your plate with foreign policy. If you want me to handle, say.. domestic, or whatever.. I’d be available. Because this is a good time for me. It is, I mean, schedule-wise.

President George W. Bush: Well, thanks, Al, I appreciate that, but I dn’t know if that’s really possible..

Al Gore: Or just environmental policy.

President George W. Bush: I don’t think so, Al..

Al Gore: Maybe I could give blood?

President George W. Bush: I think we’re okay on that.

Al Gore: You know, I was thinking – what if we made an appearance together, say, at the White House? After everything we’ve been through, it’d be a tremendous show of unity for the country. My barber suggested that.

President George W. Bush: Uh-huh. Yeah, that might be good. Later on.

Al Gore: Wouldn’t that be something? By the way, I want you to know that I do consider you the winner of the election. Over the last six months, I’ve personally counted every Florida ballot myself. And you did win, although it was clo-ose!

President George W. Bush: Right, well.. well, that’s great and all. Listen, I’ve really gotta get rolling here..

Al Gore: I triple-checked, using every conceivable standard.

President George W. Bush: Well, good for you.

Al Gore: [ consulting notebook ] With hanging chads, you won with 159 votes. With swinging chads, you won by 112 votes..

Condaleeza Rice: Who are you talking to?

President George W. Bush: [ hand over mouthpiece ] Gore.

Al Gore: [ still rambling on ] ..you won by 47 votes..

President George W. Bush: Uh-huh. Terrific. Al, listen. We’ve got a lot of work here.

Al Gore: You know, our appearance together, it doesn’t have to be a joint statement. It could just be a photograph.

President George W. Bush: Right. Well, maybe sometime when things cool down.

Al Gore: We don’t have to be the only people in the photograph. I mean, you could be with other people, and I could be behind you in the background just being supportive.

President George W. Bush: Sure. Sure. Maybe when I’ve got more time.

Al Gore: Sure, I understand. If you’re too busy, you could just send me a picture of yourself, and I could simply put us together using Adobe Photoshop.. and then I could release it with your full approval.

President George W. Bush: Al, we may have to pick this up another time.

Al Gore: How about this? As a way of showing my contempt with bin Laden, I could stand with you and publicly shave my beard so I’ll look more like you and less like him.

President George W. Bush: What are you talking about?

Al Gore: Well, I recently grew a beard.

President George W. Bush: No, I know you grew a beard, Al.

Al Gore: Mr. President, I am begging you, get off the phone!

President George W. Bush: Right, right.. Al..

Al Gore: I just think it’d be one more way to allow people to finally get some closure on this election!

President George W. Bush: Al, no defense. I think right now people are focused on the war on terror. They’re way past this election stuff. I know I am.

Al Gore: [ sighs heavily ] Well, George, with all due respect, you’re the one holed up in the White House. I’m out with the people. And, let me tell you, whenever people come up to me, they talk about the campaign and the extremely narrow election and how I feel about it.

President George W. Bush: Well, come on. You’re Al gore. What else are they gonna talk to you about!

Al Gore: Well, you don’t have to be snippy about it.

President George W. Bush: I’m not being snippy!

Al Gore: You are being snippy.

President George W. Bush: I am not being snippy! That’s not being snippy! Explain to me how that’s being snippy.

Al Gore: It most certainly is being snippy! Why..

[ Donald Rumsfeld enters the room ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Who is it?

All: Gore!!

[ Rumsfeld crosses the room and seizes the phone from President Bush’s hands as Gore continues to ramble on ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Get off the phone!

Al Gore: May I ask to whom I’m speaking?

Donald Rumsfeld: Donald Rumsfeld! Get off the phone!

Al Gore: Okay, bye! [ hangs up ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Goodbye!

Al Gore: Talk about being snippy! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

HBO First Look

George Lucas…..Darrell Hammond
Master Windu…..Tracy Morgan
Obi-Won Kanobi…..Seth Meyers
JC Chasez…..Josh Hartnett
Justin Timberlake…..Jimmy Fallon
Chris Kirkpatrick…..Chris Kattan
Joey Fatone…..Horatio Sanz
Lance Bass…..Jeff Richards
Jar Jar Binx…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: And now, HBO First Look: “Star Wars Episode II – Attack of the Clones.”

2nd Announcer: Today on HBO First Look, notoriously secretive director, George Lucas, lets us onto the set of the highly anticipated second installment of his “Star Wars” series.

George Lucas: There’s been a lot of rumors about “Attack of the Clones”, especially from “fans”, about *Nsync being in the movie. I got a lot of nasty e-mails on the subject. I guess the pimply-faced nerd who got a Darth Vader back-pack for his 14th birthday knows better than me, the creator of “Star Wars”. That’s just great. But just forget about *Nsync, you won’t even notice them. The important thing is that this movie is moving toward a totally digital medium. There’s no more film. Take a look at this scene, shot totally on digital video.

(Cut to scene)

Script Guy: Scene 62, take 1.

George Lucas: Action!

Master Windu: Does Anakin Skywalker have enough metecloroids to join the Jedi council? You damn right he don’t!!!

Obi-Wan Kinobi: No Master Windu. Anakin is the only one who can restore power to the force and save the republic from the evil Count Docu. Right, *Nsync?

J.C.: That’s right Obi-Wan Kinobi. And we’re here to save the galaxy and tell kids to stay in school.

Justin: Yeah, and that…

*Nsync: [ singing ] “Ain’t no lie, baby bye bye bye!!”

(Cut back to George)

George: I think another thing the fans worry about is Jar Jar Binks. I mean – again – “fans”. You know, if you don’t like it, don’t go see it. Guess what? I’m gonna be fine either way, I’ve got billions. But don’t worry, we scaled Jar Jar’s role way back. In the few scenes he’s in, he’s an older, a wiser, more dignified character.

(Cut to Jar Jar)

Jar Jar Binks: Missa go pipi and poopoo and kaka. Missa stinky, winky, glipy, dorpy…

2nd Announcer: Close watchers of “The Phantom Menace” may have already seen a few special cameos from other films in the background. According to the director, viewers of the sequel can expect more of the same.

(Cut to George)

George Lucas: I think people got a huge kick out of seeing E.T. in the background scene or uhh… the background of the Senate scene in Episode I. So there’s gonna be more surprises, a few more, in “Attack of the Clones”.

(Cut to scene)

Master Windu: I’d like to thank the members of the Jedi council for assembling at such a short notice. Obi-Wan Kinobi, the guy with the crazy neck, Alf, Mayor McCheese, Harry Potter, Cartman from “South Park”, Monica Lewinsky, and finally – Master Yoda.

Yoda: What’s up, homies?

(Cut to George)

George Lucas: It really is a movie for die-hard fans and I’m really excited about it. I think it’s the best “Star Wars” movie yet. And now, I’m proud to present an entire sequence (chuckle) a sequence from my new film – “Attack of the Clones”.

(Cut to scene)

Obi-Wan Kinobi: Master Windu, we haven’t but one choice.

Master Windu: I know Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan Kinobi: We have to do it. in order to save the universe from tyranny and depression, we have to… let *Nsync kick the funk out lizzidy new school style.

Master Windu: Ladies and Gentlemen… *Nsync!!

*Nsync: [ singing ]
“Oh girl, you I know I love you.”

(All Jedis report to space station Alpha Quattro, by order of the force.)

“Oh girl, it ain’t over yet,
You’ve come to drown my heart like you were bobba-fat.
Without you I feel so alone,
Like I was attacked, attacked by clones.

I’m a Jedi knight, in these Jedi days,
I can’t forget these Jedi ways, yeah yeah yeah yeah,
These rhymes are fresh, I think you’re dope ahh,
Help me Obi-Wan Kinobi, cuz you’re my only hope.”

2nd Announcer: This was HBO First Look. Stay tuned to the eighth annual Arli$$ marathon.

Thanks to Tal Horwitz for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

Buddy the Dog Memorial Service

Canon Cornell Julius Wilson…..Tracy Morgan
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: Later on C-Span: former employees of Enron discuss their plans to kidnap and murder the company’s executives. The program runs about two hours. But first, from the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., highlights of Thursday’s memorial service for former President Clinton’s dog, Buddy. Buddy, a four-year-old chocolate labrodor retriever, was fataly injured on January 3rd, when he escaped from the Clintons’ Chappaqua, New York residence, and was struck by a car. We now join the memorial service, led by the Rev. Canon Cornell Julius Wilson, already in progress.

[ open on the memorial service ]

Canon Cornell Julius Wilson: So, Lord, we commend the soul of this labrodor retriever to your holy care. To share with you the eternal joy in a place where he’ll retrieve, not bones, not pheasants, not quarterfoul, but love. And the peace which catches all understanding. Amen! And now, to celebrate the life of this noble beast, is President William Jefferson Clinton.

[ Clinton stands and takes the podium ]

Bill Clinton: [ coughs ] Thank you, Reverand. Harry Truman once said, “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.” And during the years Buddy and I shared the White House, I learned just how true this statement is. Buddy wasn’t just a good dog, but a true friend. Whwen I passed the historic NAFTA agreeement, Buddy was there. When I signed the assault weapons ban, Buddy was there. When I created Maracor, Buddy was there. And when I was in a meeting in the Oval Office, and Hillary came down the hall, Buddy.. would.. bark.

[ show Hillary and Chlesea ]

Buddy’s life was not a long one, but during his four years on Earth, he was privileged to witness a period of enormous and exciting change. He watched as the recession inherited from a previous administration turned into the longest period of economic growth in our nation’s history. As record budget deficits became budget surpluses. As illiteracy, crime and out-of-wedlock births declined dramatically. And though we mourn the brevity of his life, perhaps, in a sense, Buddy’s fortunate. Fortunate that he will not have to watch in horror as the new administration turns back the clock on civil rights. As our economic prosperity withers away, and a reckless $1.6 trillion tax cut destroys Social Security.

[ show Al Gore looking up ]

When I first brought Buddy home as a puppy, I was worried that he might not get along with Hillary’s cat, Socks the Cat. And yet, as we see with many married couples, opposites often attract.

[ show mean-looking face of Hillary ]

Buddy.. warm, intelligent, outgoing, sexy. Socks, on the other hand.. more aloof, distant, cold, controlling, manipulative. Buddy was attracted to other dogs, but Socks liked both cats and dogs. People feared Socks, but they loved Buddy. And I want you to take it from me, that dog could.. hump.. a.. leg. If you don’t beleive me, ask my Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shelaya.

[ show Donna Shelaya nodding her head in a agreement ]

Now, not since the tragic accident nearly two weeks ago that took Buddy’s life, I, of course, have thought of all the what-ifs. Perhaps if I had been there, Buddy wouldn’t have gotten out. Or, perhaps if Hillary had been there, she could have run out into the screaming traffic herself. [ laughs, bites his lip, gives the thumbs-up ] I like to think she would have.

[ show mean-looking face of Hillary ]

But what if Buddy had somehow survived the accident? At least, in this case, he would have been covered by veterinary insurance. Something that 80 million dogs, cats, parakeets, lizards and ferrets live without, each and every day. After it was clear that Buddy could not be saved, my next thought was of the 17-year-old girl wh had accidentally hit him. I assured her that it was not her fault, and if she was too shaken to drive home, she could spend the night at the house! Hillary hapened to be out of town. But I told the young woman she was still welcome all the same! [ laughs ] She declined. But I plan to check in on from time to time, to make sure she’s okay. Maybe this weekend!

So, in conclusion, Buddy, we’re gonna miss you. And I want you to remember: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturay Night!”

SNL Transcripts

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

My Best List For 2001 by Jack Handey

V/O: My Best List for 2001, by Jack Handey.

Best Planet: Earth.

Best Canyon: Grand Canyon.

Best Hawaiian Dance: The Hula.

Best Flat Italian Pie: Pizza.

Best God: God.

Best Vampire: Dracula.

Best Candy Lips: Wax Lips.

Best Bee Prouct: (tie) Wax and Honey.

Best Monster: (tie) Dracula and Wax Head.

Best Parrot Name: (tie) Polly and Waxy.

Best Suey: (tie) Chop Suey and Chop Suey with Wax.

Sexiest Actor: Wax Tom Cruise.

Best Whole Ball: Whole Ball of Wax.

Best Thing of Anything: A Bat Carrying a Block of Wax.

Announcer: Jack Handey’s Best List for 2001 was made possible by generous contributions from: The National Wax Association and The Count and Countess Dracula Foundation.

SNL Transcripts

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Mr. Banglian…..Horatio Sanz
Zack Bodorf…..Josh Hartnett
Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”. Fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.

Megan: Well, it’s 7:55 and we are coming at you live from room 312 in the audio/visual department. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co host Sheldon.

Sheldon: (nervous) hey.

Megan: As always, we are joined by ‘Jazz Times 10’.

(cut to band, only 2 members are there)

Sheldon: ‘Jazz Times 10’ is missing a lot of their members because of the strep throat epidemic… way to hang together guys.

Megan: Yeah, a lot of students were exposed to strep… especially anyone who participated in last Thursday’s ‘spin the bottle’ game in the back of the band bus.

Sheldon: Yeah… I’m glad I wasn’t a part of that.

Megan: Alright, well it’s the first show of the New Year. Sheldon, do you have any new year resolutions?

Sheldon: Umm…I wanna translate ‘The Hobbit’ into Latin. Like everybody, I wanna get to the gym more… and, you know, try to conquer my chronic insomnia.

Megan: Yeah, Sheldon is afraid that if he goes to sleep, his dad will leave.

Sheldon: I, I told that in confidence…did you make any resolutions?

Megan: Well, since it’s a New Year, I am working on a totally new me – one that is both self-confident and independent as a woman. And if that makes Randy Goldman wanna make out with me, he totally could.

(Megan pulls up her legs. On her shoes there are pictures of her and Randy)

– Hey Megan, spelled m-e-g-a-n.

– Wow, you totally got my name right, this must be a dream.

– No it’s not, I love you, let’s get married.

– Hey, what’s happening… (make-out sounds)

(Megan puts her feet down)

(sigh) that was totally intense… and awesome…

Mr. Banglion: Hey gang! (to the band) Hey guys,, how you doing?

Megan & Sheldon: Hi Mr. Banglion.

Mr. Banglion: Hey everybody, came by to drop a little science on ya… strep’s in the hizaous! So here are a few tips to keep your throat healthy and tip number 1 – don’t share lip smackers, not a good idea.. tip number 2 – don’t put your tongue on the water fountain. I know you like it but it’s not a good idea. And number 3 – take your C’s, get your Z’s, avoid disease! (waves hands from side toside) That’s the anthem so… wash your darn hands up!! (laughs) Alright, I’m out of here. Byezees!!!

Megan & Sheldon: Bye Mr. Banglion.

Mr. Banglion: I’m walking, there I go!

Megan: Right… okay well, our guest today is here to talk about inter-mural sports. Please welcome fellow seventh grader, Zack Bodorf.

Zack: (in a shaky changing voice) What’s up you guys? How you guys doing?

Megan: Hey Zack.

Sheldon: Umm… ok umm, Zack, I understand you are the charter member of the inter-mural club.

Zack: Yeah. I started a Tai Kwan Do club because I’m real interested in marshal arts and I really like violence.

Megan: Hey Zack, you got tall… I think your pants are pretty awesome, I mean… I don’t care, it’s just that I think it’s pretty cool when a guy is not afraid to wear caprises.

Zack: These aren’t really capris, you see I had kind of a.. (cough, his voice gets deeper) I had kind of a growth spurt over Christmas so…

Megan: Yeah, you used to be pretty shrimpy like Sheldon.. but now you’re all rugged like Ashton Kutcher. That’s cool, I don’t even care, it’s just that you’re probably good at kissing…. Right?

Sheldon: Now, according to worldbook.com, Tai Kwan Do is a modern marshal art from Korea, characterized by fast, high-spinning kicks. How about a demonstration?

Zack: Sure Sheldon. Well, first the base is you gotta warm up before doing it so… warm up. (throws some punches in the air)

Megan: Wow…

Zack: Alright. And now… (to Megan) I’ll demonstrate on you. This one is called ‘The Angry Cat’.

Megan: Mmm… what is this incising, spicy scent?

Zack: Oh, that’s uhh, men’s Spead Stick… I started to use deodorant… anyway, this is how you flip a guy. (flips Sheldon to the floor)

Megan: Oh my god! I think you totally knocked him out!

Zack: Oh, I’m sorry Sheldon! I didn’t mean it! sometimes I don’t even know my own strength anymore!

Sheldon: Is this blood or pen?

Megan: It’s, it’s pen.

Randy Goldman: Hey, what’s up?

Megan: Oh my god! Randy! This is so awkward you walking in on me and Zack like this… but maybe it’s for the best.. ok? So let’s just be adults about this and just lay our cards on the table… I never meant to hurt you!

Zack: What are you talking about?!?

Randy Goldman: Whatever.. later dude.

Zack: Yeah dude…

Randy Goldman: Later Mandy

Megan: Oh later… my name’s Megan… back to you Sheldon.

Sheldon: Well, that’s all the time we have. Signing off, I am Sheldon.

Megan: And I am the future Mrs. Zack Bodorf!!!

Zack: What?!?

Megan: Oh nothing… ‘Jazz Times 10’ take us out!

[ fade ]

Thanks to Tal Horwitz for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts