Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 13
The Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset
Little Girl…..Gilda Radner
Announcer: You’ve read the book, you’ve seen the movie… Now introducing: [ reveal product ] The Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset, for single little girls! Yes, now your little girl can recreate the grim reality of Judith Rosner’s bleak novel of hopelessness and despair RIGHT in her very own bedroom, alone at night![ return to bedroom ]
Little Girl: Yayyyyyyy!!!
Announcer: It’s exciting AND educational!
Little Girl: How do you play?
Announcer: Well, take your Diane Keaton doll and go to the singles bar![ the little girl bounces her doll across the air to the singles bar playset ]
Announcer: Now drink THREE Tequila Sunrises!
Announcer: Now pick up a businessman —[ the little girl picks up one of the men dolls and knocks the others to the floor ]
Little Girl: Uh — “Hello! You’re so beautiful! You wanna dance?”[ the ltitle girl sings “Stayin’ Alive” as she bumps both dolls together ]
Announcer: Hey, wait — Waht are you waiting for? Take him back to your singles apartment!
Little Girl: “Oh, come to my house and I’ll make you some cookies!” [ she bounces the dolls across the air to the apartment playset ] “Oh, now we’re walking, and now we’re at MY house!” “Okay! Now, I’m gonna kiss you RIGHT NOW!” [ she makes the dolls kiss roughly ] “Stop it! Stop it! Stop, or I’m gonna take down your panties and spank your bottom just like that! Just like that!” [ she spanks the male doll ] Did I win yet?
Announcer: Nooooo. You have to keep picking up strange men until you get killed.[ the little girl is confused ]
Announcer: So take Diane back to the singles bar —
Announcer: Toss back three more Tequila Sunrises —[ the little girl pours the bottle over the doll’s face, then chugs one for herself ]
Announcer: Now, pick up another guy![ the little picks up one of the fallen male dolls ]
Announcer: Uh-ohhhhh! You picked up a psychotic blonde homosexual!
Little Girl: Does that mean I win?
Announcer: Noooo, that means you get KILLED!
Little Girl: Ohhhhhh, noooo, it don’t! ‘Cause guess who’s here? [ she grabs an object from behind the playset ] Mr. Teddy Bear Purse! Here he comes! And he’s gonna get ALL of them, and SMASH them all up like that! [ she uses the teddy bear purse to knock the singles bar playset over ] He’s not gonna let them DO that to her!!
Announcer: [ laughing ] Yes! It’s the Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset! Brings gratuitous sex and random violence into her little world! It’s from Mainway.[ fade ]