Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ohh ho! Thank you, folks! Thank alle! Thank ah! I’m Colin Quinn.
Okay, now I’ve been thinking about Clinton all week. Did you see the press conference on Thursday or Wednesday, whenever? He said that even though he has the power to fire Kenneth Starr, he won’t do it because he doesn’t want to abuse his power as President. Now do think that’s noble? Bill! They’re attacking your friends–stand up and do something! People want to see movie stars live in mansions, people want to see rock stars get laid, and people want to see the President destroy people that mess with him! It’s executive privilege! It’s one of the perks. It’s like stealing from work. If you work in a bakery, you take home a couple of loaves of bread every once in a while. If you work on Wall Street, they claim a night of drinking and going to strip clubs as a business expense. They go to the guy in accounting, “Hey, I never got reimbursed for that half a gram I did with the guy from Microsoft,” you know? Everybody here steals. You know, at our office, we take bottles of, uh, Poland Spring Water, or we make the show pay for movies and CDs for “research” for a sketch that just happens to end up in our personal collection. Is it moral? Maybe not. Is it stealing from Lorne? He can afford it. All right? I’ve stolen from him. He knows we steal from him, he’s the boss. He sees me, “Hi, Lorne.” “Hi, Colin.” He knows it’s the game. I think he knows. I hope he knows. I was just kidding, anyway. I wouldn’t really…steal. I was gonna write a sketch about that Clapton box set, I swear. The point is, President Clinton, people respe – don’t respect that you won’t fight back. Did you ever get beat up as a kid, Bill? Did the bully ever stop because you wouldn’t fight back? Have you noticed we never had an Amish president? Why do you think that is?
All right, this week, Koko, a gorilla who understands sign language, answered questions on America Online. When asked if she liked bananas, Koko replied, “Hey, that’s real funny. It’s too bad you’re not here so I could rip your arms off.”
A new study has revealed that people who exercise regularly throughout their life are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s Disease. That means that someday Joe Piscopo might be the only person who remembers who he was.
Monica Lewinsky and her attorney, William Ginsburg, were turned away from L.A.’s posh Palm Restaurant because they didn’t have reservations. Monica was overheard to say, “Hey, who do you have to blow to get a table around here?” [cheers and applause]…Aah! Come on, folks! Ah!
This week, the state of Israel celebrated its 50th birthday. Apparently it went out to dinner at a place where the service is terrible, had the fish that was too salty, and got stuck at the table under the air conditioning.
This week, Palestinian officials announced that a new airport on the Gaza Strip will be named as the guy who used to blow up airports, Yasser Arafat. That’s kinda like putting the Unabomber on a postage stamp. [applause and cheers]
Now, James Earl Ray’s family wants to hold his funeral at a black church in Memphis, Tennessee, the city where Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed. Meanwhile, Sirhan Sirhan has requested to serve out the remainder of his sentence at the Kennedy compound.
Lenoria Walker, Houston’s director of affirmative action, has resigned after referring to a city councilman as a midget, instead of using the correct term, which is “dwarf.” Said Walker, “I guess I have a lot to learn about sensitivity. So it’s…hi-ho, hi-ho, away from work I go.”
Moammar Qaddafi’s new book, Escape to Hell and Other Stories was released in America this week. This is expected to do even better than the last book by a Middle Eastern strongman, Saddam Hussein’s All I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned by Gassing My Own People.
It’s been reported that supermodel Claudia Schiffer is worth over 34 million dollars. Commenting on this, Schiffer said, “Wow, really? Now even I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with David Copperfield.” [some applause]
And in response to reports that the guests on “The Jerry Springer Show” are fake, a defensive Springer points out that the millions of idiots who watch “The Jerry Springer Show” are real.
I’m Colin Quinn, that is my story, and I’m sticking to it! Thank you! Thank you.
[open on blue sky with puffy clouds and a hand releasing a monarch butterfly]
[title and voice over: “And now, the lost Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”]
Jack Handy V/O: [voice over with scrolling text] Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.
[open on crowded North African marketplace, with a man cooking chicken in a pot]
Husband: [voice over] We planned and saved for our trip to North Africa for almost two years. [husband and wife walk together in marketplace]
[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]
Wife: It was supposed to be our dream vacation, but it almost turned into a nightmare.
Husband: Someone stole our traveler’s checks.
[dissolve to marketplace, with husband and wife checking their pockets and bags]
Wife: I never thought it could happen to us. We didn’t know what to do.
[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of curtain]
Husband: Fortunately, we had Interbank Travelers’s Checks. And Interbank does more than just refund your money.
Wife: That’s because Interbank vows [dissolve to marketplace, with black jeep pulling up and thief fleeing from the scene] to find out who stole your checks and hunt them down like animals.
[dissolve to close-up of husband sitting in front of curtain]
Husband: Like filthy, dirty animals. That’s the Interbank difference. [dissolve to marketplace, with armed men pursuing the thief, discarging their weapons, pinning thief to the ground, and dragging him away] See, I don’t care how Interbank’s secret police get things done. I just care that they get things done. For us.
Wife: And that gives me peace of mind.
Husband: Peace of mind that lets us relax and enjoy our vacation.
[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]
Wife: Plus, because we’d enrolled in their Premiere Membership program, [dissolve to ramshackle shelter, with armed men breaking down door] Interbank also hunted down friends and relatives of the guy who had stolen our money, dragged them from their beds in the middle of the night, and set fire to their homes. [armed men drag several sleeping people from bed and set fire to the shelter]
[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]
Husband: Sure, some of Interbank’s methods aren’t exactly legal… [dissolve to a man (possibly thief), bound in a chair and with a white hood pulled over his head, while one man prepares electrodes and a control box while another man hits the bound man on the back of the head] [dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain] …but, thanks, Interbank.
[a man dressed like the armed Interbank agents enters the shot and is seen only from the neck down as he places his left hand ominously on the wife’s shoulder]
[dissolve to black screen with spinning orange Earth graphic, which freezes as a black-gloved hand curves around the globe and clamps onto it with a secure “clang” sound, and a yellow rectangle appears with red lettering: “Interbank”]
Alex Trebek…..Wil Ferrell Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Minnie Driver…..Molly Shannon Jeff Goldblum…..David Duchovny
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”! We’ve got quite a contest going on here, lets take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in second place with -$6,500..
Sean Connery: Only on accountability!
Alex Trebek: Great. Uh.. Minnie Dryver is in first with a commanding score of 0.
Minnie Driver: [ repeatedly presses buzzer until it beeps ] Umm.. what is history?
Alex Trebek: We haven’t started playing yet! And finally, JeffGoldblum, with an incredible -$17,800.
Jeff Goldblum: [ gestures to the audience and blows a kiss ] Well.. uh, yes.. I suppose I do.
Alex Trebek: Better luck to all of you, in the next round. It’s time for Double Jeopardy, let’s take a look at the board. And the categories are: “Potent Potables”, “Literature”.. which is just a big word for books.. “Therapists”, “Current U.S. Presidents”, “Show and Tell”, “Household Objects”, and finally, “One-Letter Words”. Anyway, Jeff Goldblum, you are in third place, so the board is yours.
Jeff Goldblum: Well.. uh, this is.. uh, Jeopardy.. Seeing as there are.. uh.. one, two, three, four, five. six.. ahh ..seven.. uh, seven different catagories..
Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] Right, Mr. Connery. why don’t you pick?
Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I’ll take “TheRapists” for $200.
Alex Trebek: That’s “Therapists.” That’s “Therapists,” not “TheRapists.” Let’s skip “Therapists” and try “Household Objects”, for $400. And the answer is, “You usually drink water out of one of these.” [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: A leather glove!
Alex Trebek: No. [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: A toilet!
Alex Trebek: That is awful. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum: [ marvels at the buzzer until time runs out ]
Alex Trebek: And you’re an idiot! The answer was “a glass.”
Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!
Alex Trebek: [ hesitant ] Technically, it’s still Mr. Goldblum’sboard, but since he’s a human wasteland, I’ll let Mr. Connery pick again.
Sean Connery: Ohhhh, I’ll play your game, you rogue! Let’s try”The Rapists” for $20.
Alex Trebek: How about “Show and Tell” for $600? I’ll just show you an object, and you’ll tell me what it is, okay?
Sean Connery: It’s a man with a mustache!
Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven’t shown it to you yet. Here it is. [ holds up a hammer ] Name this object! [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: It’s a popsicle!
Alex Trebek. No. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum, name this object.
Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That’s a..uh.. a what-do-you-call-it when you.. umm.. When you… when you punish criminals in.. uh.. days of yore. It was a.. And you’d put them in the.. uh.. the square in those.. you know.. uh..
Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?
Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly! [ timer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: It’s a freaking hammer!
Jeff Goldblum: Well, of course it is!
Sean Connery: Now, listen to me! You back off, Trebek! You wouldn’t have known that if you didn’t have that card in front of you! [ to Goldblum ] This guy reads from a card!
Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let’s move on to “Current U.S. Presidents”, for $400. And the answer is: “He is the current U.S. President.” [ no responses, so more clue is revealed ] “He has white hair, and you’ve probably seen him in the news..” “..His first name is ‘Bill’..” [ no responses ] “..Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently..” “..His last name is Clinton!..” “..His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, ‘Who is Bill Clinton?’.” [ still no responses ] Someone just say it! Anyone. [ timer sounds ] ..And the show has reached a new low.
Sean Connery: And I’m the cock of the walk!
Alex Trebek: Alright, let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. And the category is: “Letters of the Alphabet.” All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, “A” or “G”. [ “Final Jeopardy Theme” plays, as the contestants write furiously ] There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. [ pan across contestants to Jeff Goldblum waving his arms around in slow strides ] Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there.. [ time runs out ] Okay, for the sake of tradition, let’s take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: [ picture of a large hand giving “The Finger” appears ] Okay, that is definitely not a letter.
Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!!
Alex Trebek: Beautiful. Just beautiful. Minnie Driver, let’s see what you wrote. [ screen reveals a drawing of an eye ] You drew a picture of an eye.
Minnie Driver: Well, “I” is a letter isn’t it?
Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded? Let’s go to Jeff Goldblum, who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Let’s see what your answer was. [ screen reveals a huge number 2 ] The number 2.
Jeff Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah.. the letter 2, my friend!
Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.
Jeff Goldblum: I, uh.. I can’t read or write.
Alex Trebek: Good for you. Well, as always, three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money, here on “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’m Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Good night!
David Duchovny: [ enters, carrying guitar ] Thank you very much! It’s great to be here doing “Saturday Night Live”. You know, this is my first time in New York, and I’m really having a good time.
Actually, that was a lie. It’s not my first time in New York. I actually grew up here. I have no idea why I said that. I guess I’m pretty nervous. Well, that’s why I have this guitar here with me. [ sits on stool ] This is sort of a security blanket for me. Yeah, I know it might just look like just a cheap old six string to you, but this thing has been a big part of my life. You see, I was a very, very shy kid. I mean, like, literally, like from the age of 8 to 15, music was the way I communicated with people. I mean, this little baby here was my voice. In 1969, my father bought me this guitar at a flea market. He used to take me for guitar lessons every Saturday afternoon. And i’ll never forget the look on my Dad’s face the first time I played a song. He was so proud of me. Whenever I pick up this guitar, it’s like my father is right here with me. Tonight, if you don’t mind, I’d like to play a song for my father.
[ applause ]
Thank you. Although, I feel kind of foolsih even having this out here, considering that Jimmy Page, one of the greatest guitar legends of all time is here. But, if you’ll indulge me.. any of you guys Zeppelin fans? That’s Led Zeppelin. Well, maybe you can guess the name of this little Zeppelin tune. It’s one of my Dad’s favorites, actually.
[ plays “Over The Hills And Far Away” a little too well. After a few bars, he accidentally drops the pick into the body of the guitar. ]
Oh, damn.. Idropped the pick. I mean, it’s embarrassing. That’s live TV, that’s kind of fun. [ begins shaking guitar ] Som you just kind of get the pick out and start the song again. You know.. leave it to my Dad to buy me a cheap guitar like this.. with, like, the biggest belly in the world. I mean, he couldn’t spend more than $4.95 to get a damn guitar for me! If I knew where he lived right now, I would punch – [ still shaking guitar ] – you know something? This is a littlefrustrating now.. You know, I hate my father!
[ breaks guitar violently over stool, then finds the pick among the broken pieces of the guitar ]
Hey, here it is! Now I guess I can play that little tune.
[ plays “Over The Hills And Far Away” air guitar ]
We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Puff Daddy is here, and Jimmy Page! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Scott: Infrareds are tracking Ricks eye movements, soon the world will know how the pituitary gland respond to weightlessness.
Houston controller #1: Thats right Roger.
[ News bulletin. SUPER : “Evening News April 29, 1998” ]
News Anchor: The United Nations is stepping up a plan to increase aids to Sudan, the Sudanese government, has consented to allow supplies to be sent in the area. Stay with us.
[ SUPER: “Coming up: Chrysler merger talks resume Japan stocks close lower Tony Awards nominees announced Space Shuttle”]
[ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle. SUPER : “April 30, 1998” ]
Scott: Houston, we have repaired the cabin air cleanser.
Rick: We are locked, and loaded Houston [ Pilots “high five” ]
Houston controller #1 : Thats terrific um.. whats is name again?
Houston controller #2 : [ Building a card castle ] Rick.
Houston controller #1 : Thats terrific Rick!
Scott: Well be able to finish testing how the rodents respond to root beer, while weightless.
Houston controller #2 : [ Doesnt care, and doesnt know what to say ] Godspeed!
Houston controller #1 : Yeah Godspeed.
[ News bulletin. SUPER : “Evening News April 30, 1998” ]
News Anchor: In sports Mark McGwire has smashed his 11th home run tonight, it wasnt enough though as Milwaukee defeated ST-Louis 7 to 4. Stay with us!
[ SUPER : “Coming up: Denmark strikers hold ground “Ben Casey” creator dies Pleated skirt makes comeback Space Shuttle”]
[ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle as retransmitted live on TV. SUPER: “May 2, 1998” ]
Scott: Mister President we are locked and loaded!
V/O then Houston controller #1 : [ Poorly impersonating President Clinton, controller #2 has difficulty not to laugh out loud ] America is proud of you! We look forward to your return.
Scott: We look forward to seeing you Sir!
Houston controller #1 : Oh, Ill be there, I cant wait to meet you all!
Rick: Hey Id just like want to say to everyone whos watching that we really love up here but, we sure miss home!
Houston controller #1 : Yes!
[ Controller #1 cannot impersonate the President anymore because hes laughing too much. Controller #2 takes a shot ]
Houston controller #2 : Hi! Im the President! President Clinton!
Scott: Yes Sir!
Houston controller #2 : I like sex! Im Clinton I have lots of sex with women!
Scott: All right Sir!
Houston controller #2 : Look at me! Im Clinton! Weeeeeeee!
[ Title Card #4 : The United Nations continued its support for Sudan. Ragtime led the Tony Award Nominations with thirteen. Mark McGwire has since hit his twelfth and thirteenth home runs. ]
[ Title Card #5 : The Strike in Denmark remains unresolved. ]
[ Title Card #6: From The Earth To The Area Around The Earth: The Story of The Space Shuttle ]
Dale: Everybody word up, word up, word up! Okay cool. For those who havent taken my splits and hurkey-jerkey jump workshop, Im Dale Heavener…the Heavenater and Id like to welcome everyone to the Spirit Stick Competition here at Camp Paula Abdul! Okay you guys have been working your butts off this week and I think you sizzle, and I think your cheering has been triple wicked. Alright, everybody get a good seat over there because were ready to pump up the jam!
Okay on a serious tip, whoever cut the front out of my speedo…not cool. Because that was my only speedo you guys so, enough said. Whew! Okay now here is the squad from East Lake high school, and they call themselves Pep Daddy!
(Audience screams and applauds)
Craig and Arianna: All aboard! Butt, butt, butt, butt, Butt, butt, butt, butt UGLY! Youre butt ugly! We are the mighty Spartans riding up your astroturf People say youre so ugly Godzilla gave you birth!
Arianna: Hey! Whos that Spartan gettin a wedgie?
Craig: Its me! Its me!
Arianna: I said whos that Spartan gettin a wedgie?
Arianna: Come on guys! Its not just for strippers anymore!
Craig: Thats right!
(Dale comes running by them, almost knocking Arianna over)
Dale: Sorry about that…you guys should call yourselves jalepeno because, whew, you are so hot.
(All three do kicks)
Dale: Okay settle, settle. Lets find out more about Craig and Arianna.
Arianna: Okay..uh..um…my name is Arianna and Im just like Mary Tyler Moore except I dont have a Jewish friend. Um, Im coming to terms with my small chest. And despite my bike accident Im still technically a virgin. (Jumping up and down)
Dale: Okay, sex can wait!
All Three: masterbate!
Dale: Okay, Craig, what about you?
Craig: Well Im a Taurus which means I can be stubborn, plus Im afraid of water sports.
Dale: Uh-oh, someones afraid to take off their shirt. Back hair?
Craig: Guilty as charged
Dale: Believe me, I can relate. My nipples are the size of dinner plates.
Arianna: Not attractive, not attractive!
Craig: Dinner plates. No.
(All three jumping and kicking)
Dale: Okay are you guys ready for your power cheer?
Craig & Arianna: Alright!
Together: The Spartans hate to brag but were a real hum-dinger Were gonna kick your butt like a guest on Jerry Springer I say who you talkin to, who you talkin to, who you talkin toUh!
Arianna: I am a hooker I aint got no teeth I killed my husband With a Christmas wreath
Together: I say who you talkin to Who you talkin to Who you talkin to Uh!
Craig: Im a transvestite Whos stealing drugs Cause my redneck daddy Never gave me hugs
Together: I say who you talkin to! Final thought!
Arianna: Whoo! Jerry Springer! Get the message guys!
Dale: Whoa, that cheer was funktagious guys. Okay I think the judges are ready for their scores.
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig. (Grabbing Craigs hand)
Announcer: For creativity…0.3
Craig and Arianna: Yes!
Announcer: For athleticism…0.6
Arianna: .6!
Announcer: For difficulty…0.0
Craig and Arianna: Awww!
Announcer: For lameness..10
Craig and Arianna: Yes! Yes!
Arianna: Oh Craig we nailed it! Paula Abdul would be so proud!
Dale: Listen guys, Ive been tight with Paula since she was a Laker girl, and I know two things about her. One, she loves to have her hair brushed. And two, shes a stickler for pep jumps and booty work.
(Two cheerleaders walk up to them)
Cheerleader #1: Attention all ass vaccuums.
Craig and Arianna: Yes?
Cheerleader #1: According to the rule book, you have to have at least four in your squad to get a spirit stick.
Cheerleader #2: Yes and one, two…you guys are both disqualified.
Arianna: Craig? Craig, what are we gonna do?
Dale: Hey if you dont mind a 37 year old who collects Barbies, Id be glad to join your squad.
Craig: Thanks Dale but thats only three. We need four to compete.
(Sound of a helicopter off camera)
Arianna: Craig! A helicopter! I think its Rosie Perez!
Craig: No, I think its Debbie Allen!
Dale: If its who I think it is Im gonna saturate my speedo.
(Paula Abdul walks over)
All Three: Paula Abdul! Oh my God! Paula Abdul!
Dale: Paula Abdul, you are my goddess! Youre my goddess! Can I brush your hair?
Paula: No Dale.
Dale: Okay is that because Im your coworker?
Paula: No, its because your nipples are the size of dinner plates.
Dale: Oh yes, not good.
Paula: (Pulls a Barbie from behind her back) Here, play with this.
Dale: Oh, its Malibu Bubble Barbie! Completes the set!
Arianna: (Singing) Paula, straight up now tell us are you gonna be the fourth member of our squa-a-ad? (Does kick)
Paula: Actually Im here to collect your registration fees.
Arianna: Ahhh!
Paula: Oh, and Ill be the fourth member on your super squad! (Hugs Arianna) Okay, get!
Arianna: Yeah!
(All four dance to Play that Funky Music White Boy. Awesome dance.)
Air Date:
Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page, “Come With Me”
