Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 20

97t: David Duchovny / Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Dominican Lou…..Tracy Morgan
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Aah ha! Hello, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!

Okay. Last weekend, President Clinton and the First Lady went to Stanford University to meet Chelsea’s new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce. Pierce told Clinton that the President was his role model. To which Clinton responded, “I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.”

Now, Hillary Clinton this week said that Palestinians should have their own free state. The President pointed out that the statement didn’t reflect official government policy. But added that if they wanted to become a free state, he and Hillary would be glad to broker the land deal.

A spokesman for the First Lady said that her views were personal, and are in no way a reflection of the views of the President. Much like their wedding vows….That’s sad, but…it’s true.

According to a poll in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of American women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. Meanwhile, the other 68 percent of the women said that he promised them that she would.

On “Larry King Live” Thursday night, Bob Dole revealed that he was one of the test subjects of Viagra, and that it’s a great drug. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Dole was on the “Today” show promoting her new book, The Horrors of Viagra.

In order to break a 14-month stalemate in the Middle of – in the Middle East peace talks, Madeleine Albright gave Israel ’til Monday to come to an agreement. The Israelis said, “Hey, she’s got a lot of chutzpah for somebody who only found out she was Jewish when she read it in the paper!”…‘Member?

This week, Bill Gates paid 30 million dollars for a Winslow Homer painting of a seascape. However, he will continue to pay four bucks for a haircut.

FBI research indicates that nearly half the guns used in crimes in New York came from five Southern states: Virginia, Florida, North Carolina, Georgia, and South Carolina. The other half came from under the front seat in the Wu-Tang Clan’s car. [some boos]…What, is Method Man here? Why are you people…

Now, here with some commentary on the Kenneth Starr investigation, the super of 9201 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, Dominican Lou!

[pan over to Dominican Lou, whose left arm is in a sling]

Dominican Lou: Gracias. Gracias. Thank you, Colin. I’m telling you, the Kenneth Starr, oh boy! I know a lot of guys like he! I know one guy like he! His name is Wilfredo. Wilfredo is the super for 9230 Burnside Avenue across the street from me! We are only fighting because he tried to get me in trouble with my wife and my girlfriend!

Colin: I see.

Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] That’s too much!

Colin: So what is, uh, Wilfredo does to you is like what Kenneth Starr does to Clinton?

Dominican Lou: Colin. When I catch Wilfredo tryin’ to get me in trouble, I catch him and I punch him up goo’! I come bea’ he! I make him bleed ’cause I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! I hurt him all over the body! I come bea’ he!

Colin: Yeah! Speaking of fights, what happened to your arm, Dominican Lou?

Dominican Lou: Wilfredo. He bea’ me. I no bea’ him. He bea’ me. He bea’ me pretty bad. He b– He putted the crowbar in the arm. With the crowbar. He bea’ me. And that’s what I think Clinton should do to this guy, Kenneth Starr!

Colin: Clinton should break Kenneth Starr’s arm?

Dominican Lou: And that, it will send a good message. If Clinton break-a the Starr arm, Starr will know that Clinton is tough, and he will say, “Oh Clinton, don’t break my arm! Don’t break my arm! Please do not break my arm!” I needed the arm to clean the building!…He will say, “I better not talk to his wife or try to steal the toilet paper for his dad at the room, he – he’s busy!”

Colin: I see.

Dominican Lou: Look, Colin. I live in the Burnside Avenue. I keep-a the building clean! You come here to my building, there’s no mice there, there’s no crackheads in the building…there’s nine people sitting on the stoop…but you go to Wilfredo’s building, 9230…they there, they throw-a the garbage out of the window, and they always make-a the trouble!

Colin: So…

Dominican Lou: So wha’?

Colin: So…what does this have to do with the Clinton situation?

Dominican Lou: Nothing. I just no like-a the Wilfredo. I want to say something bad about him on the TV. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe the Clinton could beat up the Wilfredo instead of the Starr!

Colin: Okay, hey look–

Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] He come bea’ he!

Colin: Hey, Lou? What do you think about that thing on “Seinfeld” last Thursday when they burned the Puerto Rican flag?

Dominican Lou: I don’t care. They Puerto Rican. I Dominican.

Colin: Dominican Lou, everybody!

Dominican Lou: I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! Wilfredo, I’ll beat you! Don’t go!

Colin: Forensic tests have confirmed that remains of a body found in Berlin in 1972 are those of Martin Bormann, Hitler’s private secretary. Experts say they were finally certain when they discovered his “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug.

It appears as if the Chernobyl nuclear plant will remain open despite a promise made to close it by 1995. Community leaders are happy because the plant provides desperately needed work for the local townspeople, many of whom have children with eight mouths to feed.

Mercedes-Benz merged with Chrysler this week. The biggest transition will be for gangsta [doctored photo of gangsta rappers with Mercedes-Benz medallions] rappers, who will now have to switch to big, gold Chrysler medallions.

At the Vatican this week, a disgruntled guard lost control, shot and killed his boss and his boss’ wife. Such an outburst is now called “going papal.”

In southern Turkey, where prostitution is legal, the prostitutes are going on strike. Boy, sex with a prostitute is risky enough, but who’s gonna go out with a scab prostitute? [negative reaction] Don’t let me go into the summer like this, folks. Come on.

A new survey reveals that children as young as 10 are using steroids to enhance athletic performance. Officials became suspicious when two kids were decapitated during a dodgeball game.

Susan Carpenter McMillan has taken on a new cause: spreading California’s chemical castration penalty to other states. President Clinton was quick to point out that Washington, D.C. is not a state!

Lilith Fair, the popular all-music…all-female music festival launches its second tour on June 9th. Returning to that tour and joining us tonight is Lilith Fair’s witty folklorist, Cinder Calhoun. Please welcome Cinder Calhoun.

[pan over to Cinder]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Colin. Um, thanks a lot, man. I know last time I asked you to introduce me as a witty folklorist, but just so you know, I now consider myself more of a karmic interpreter of humus, w – humorous vibrations, so that’s just to clarify.

Colin: Right, okay. Okay. So Cinder, what have you been up to while Lilith Fair is on hiatus?

Cinder: Well, uh, I’ve been working with a small publishing house out of Berkeley on a satirical comic book about the adventures of a [exaggerated Spanish accent] Latina superhero midwife.

Colin: Sounds great.

Cinder: Yeah, and I’ve also been temping in the personnel department at Citibank, so it’s kind of…

Colin: You must have gotten some great material from that.

Cinder: Um…actually, Colin, some things are so hideously profane that it’s hard to find humor in them! Uh, case in point: a couple of days ago I was sent home from work because I wasn’t wearing pantyhose! Um…maybe I’m crazy, but why should I be forced to wear pantyhose when I’m already protected by nature’s thick, woolly coating of leg hair? And I just thought we were sort of beyond this point in our – in our…cultural development, so I wrote a pantyhose protest song [grabs her guitar] about it. I hope you find it moving. It’s, um, sort of a call to arms for all the victims of legsploitation. It’s called “Unshackle My Legs.”

[lights dim as the song begins; plays her guitar]

Ohh, ohh…
You say your corporate dress code
Will make a good impression
But your little rule is a fascist stool
It’s cotton-crotched oppression
For 40 years you kept us in
A sweaty pantyhose prison
But I’m the one who found a run
In you control decision

You’ve hired us to do a job
Let us finish what we started
We’re breaking through this nylon seal
And…stop being leotarded!

Unshackle my legs
Be they hairy or funky now
Unshackle my legs
If they’re thick and they’re chunky now

Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Sheer Energy
My enemy
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my leeeeeeeeeegggs! [cheers and applause as she holds the last word; lights come back up]

[end of song]

Colin: Cinder Calhoun, ladies and gentlemen! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Have a nice summer!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

The X-Files

Mulder…..David Duchovny
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Scully…..Molly Shannon
Krycek…..Nicholas Lea

[ “X-FILES” theme plays ]

[ Exterior shot of government building ]

[ SUPER: “FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, DC
10:47 PM” ]

[ open on Mulder sitting at his desk in his office, typing on a laptop computer ]

Mulder V/O: A new ally has joined me in my fight to uncover the truth, to break the web of governmental deceit and conspiracy. This ally, who I believemay be operating at the highest level of government has up until this pointremained anonymous. tonight I will meet at last this man, who until now, Ihave known only as a husky voice on the phone, and his code name of allthings, “Deep Throat.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?

Deep Voice: It’s me, Deep Throat.

Mulder: [ opens door ] At last, the man I’ve been waiting to meet.

Janet Reno: [ enters ] Man? [ removes coat ] Take another look at this body.

Mulder: Janet Reno?

Janet Reno: Maybe. Okay, yes. Now let me help you pick your jaw up off thefloor.

Mulder: I can’t believe you’re the one sending me these messages. Thealien coverup must reach that high up.

Janet Reno: Alien coverup? What, do I have to hit you over the headwith a board? I was coming in to you!

Mulder: Are you trying to deny that your messages weren’t aboutextraterrestrial life? What about when you said you wanted to show mevideotapes of aliens?

Janet Reno: “Aliens” is one of my favorite movies. I thought you could comeover and we would watch it and have brie.

Mulder: What?

Janet Reno: I also have “Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael”.

Mulder: You also said somebody in the Justice Department wanted togive me a UFO. Now that couldn’t be more clear. It’s about UFOs.

Janet Reno: Oh, great. Then you won’t mind if you treat you to an”Unbelievably Ferocious Orgasm.”

Mulder: Come on. Uh, what about “I want to give you an opportunity toexamine an out of this world body..” – oh. Okay, now I’m starting to get it.

Janet Reno: By the way, that offer still stands. [ strokes Mulder’s face andputs hand on his thigh ]

Mulder: So, to meet me you went so far as to send me messages andtake a code name, “Deep Throat”?

Janet Reno: Code name? Hell, “Deep Throat” was my old sorority nickname.

Mulder: Janet, I have never met you before in my life. I don’tunderstand why would you pursue me like this.

Janet Reno: Oh, Mulder. [ strokes his face ] Ever since I saw you at theJustice Department picnic, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.

Mulder: That’s right, I remember seeing you there, too. You ate,like, 60 pancakes, didn’t you. Yeah, I remember that. You had a crowdchanting “Janet, Janet, Janet!”

Janet Reno: Okay, I like pancakes. Let’s move on. Ever since that day I’vekept an extensive file on you. Let’s see. [ pulls out folder ] Special AgentMulder, first name Fox. I’ll say. Height, a delicious 6-1. Weight, 185pounds of Grade A chuck. And then I just wrote “Mrs. Janet Mulder” about300 times. See?

Mulder: Yes, I see. Listen, I’m flattered, Janet, but I’m marriedto my work and plus I’m really, really into pornography.

Janet Reno: Who isn’t?

Mulder: Well, I hope there’s no hard feelings. But if you’ll excuseme, my partner Scully is about to join me.

Janet Reno: Scully! I got a file on that pouty-lipped ice queen, too. She’salways “Oh, I’m so skeptical about that. No, I’m sure there’s a reasonablescientific explanation for that.” If I ever see her, I will do my karate onher. [ does karate move ] Ow.

SCULLY: [ enters carrying file folder ] Mulder, I’m skeptical about yourconclusion, here. I’m sure there is a reasonable scientific explan – ahhhh!

Janet Reno: Ahhhh!

[ Janet Reno attacks and kicks Scully down. ]

Mulder: [ going to Scully ] Scully!

Janet Reno: [ bowing ] Thank you, Miyagi.

Mulder: Scully!

Janet Reno: She’ll be all right. Won’t be first time she’s woken up with aheadache and a few bruises. What’s that, Scully, you want mo’ stuff?

[ Janet Reno starts to attack again. Mulder steps between them. ]

Mulder: Hey, hey! Now you’ve gone too far. Get out of here!

Janet Reno: All right, but before I go….

[ Janet Reno grabs Mulder, and gives him a big kiss on lips. Mulder fallsback on desk. ]

Mulder: Oh, my god. That kiss. It feels like there is a flying saucerin my pants.

Janet Reno: Oh, yeah? Too bad Foxy, you had your chance. Anyway, I’vealready got my own sweet piece of FBI meat. Oh, Krycek.

[ Krycek enters, and makes a show of using his right hand to lift his “fake” left arm over Janet’s shoulders. ]

Krycek: Come on, Janet baby, let’s roll.

Mulder: Krycek, no!

Janet Reno: Alex is with the real FBI, the “Female Body Inspectors.”

Krycek: Yeah. Anyway, see you later, Mulder.

Mulder: I am not gonna let you steal her from me.

[ Mulder punches Krycek several times. Krycek falls. ]

Janet Reno: Big mistake, my friend. [ punches Mulder out ] Let’s go, honey.[ Krycek tries to get at Mulder. Janet Reno restrains him. ] It’s okay. It’sokay. You’re with me. [ to Scully, who’s still on the floor ] Sweet dreams,whore! And as for you, Mulder – [ to camera ] Live from New York, it’s”Saturday Night”!

Thanks to Randym of NickLea.com for this transcript. randym7@bestweb.net

SNL Transcripts

Terence Maddox

Terence Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Teacher…..Julianne Moore
Student #1…..Cheri Oteri
Student #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Student #3…..Chris Kattan
Student #4…..Molly Shannon

[OPEN – night exterior – see “Morris County Community College” on the side of a brick school building]

Teacher: All right, class. Tonight we’re gonna work with the most rewarding subject that there is for an artist: the human body. Now, unfortunately, the life model I normally use was unable to make it, but we do have a last-minute replacement. His name is Terence Maddox. Terence, you can come in now.

[Maddox approaches, wearing a robe. Stands next to Teacher. Puts down bag]

Teacher: Okay. Terence, whenever you’re ready.

Terence Maddox: All right, gang. It’s showtime. Prepare to have your gaskets blown. [takes off robe] W-e-ell?

Teacher: All right, Mr. Maddox, if you could please lie down.

Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-ell?

Teacher: Please just lie down.

Terence Maddox: Whoa-whoa! Let the people be heard.

[there’s silence]

Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-elll??

Teacher: Just have a seat.

Terence Maddox: All right, all right. Now, I’ll try and lay as still as I can, but work with me, people, ’cause Daddy’s got the shakes.

Teacher: Just do the best you can.

[Maddox groans as he settles in]

Teacher: Now, now, if you wouldn’t mind just quieting down, these students are here to learn.

Terence Maddox: Oh. Well then I got a little somethin’ for them. Here’s a little biology lesson, class. [points to his right nipple] Milk. [points to his left nipple] Milk. [points down toward his groin] Lemonade. [points around to his rear] This is where the fudge is made-

Teacher: Mr. Maddox. Please. Just lie still. [walking to the front of the class] Now, class, before you draw Mr. Maddox, I want all of you to just look at him for a moment. Take him in, notice the way the nude human form-

Student #1: [pointing] Oh my God! Oh! That’s gross!

[class groans]

Teacher: Oh, dear God!

Terence Maddox: What?!

Teacher: Mr. Maddox, please!

Terence Maddox: [looks down] Uh-oh. Somebody woke the baby.

Teacher: Just cover yourself.

Terence Maddox: I guess all that talk about taking me in kinda got me excited. Truth be told, that’s what got me into this crazy biz. [looks down again] Well, don’t worry, folks. It looks like the Hulk’s not mad anymore. He’s turning back into harmless ol’ Bruce Banner.

Student #2: I do not believe this!

Terence Maddox: Now, to answer your question, yes, I did lose a testicle in Vietnam. Charlie made soup out of it about thirty years ago. Cream of Maddox.

[class groans]

Terence Maddox: Yeah, that was the ball du jour that day. Hey, all this talk is making me hungry. Is it cool if I grub up? [reaches down to his bag]

Teacher: If it’ll keep you quiet, you can do whatever you want.

Terence Maddox: [holding up bag of chips] Got these tortilla chips bulk. But they’re a little bland. [reaches into bag, pulls out block of cheese and a cheese grater] That’s where my little buddy Monterey Jack comes in handy. [starts to grate cheese onto his chest] See, the body heat melts the Jack. And I’m tellin’ you, people, I’m all about body heat.

Student #3: Oh my God. That’s sick.

Student #2: Yeah.

Student #4: [gestures to Teacher] Oh, come on, this is gross! Do something!

Teacher: Uh, Mr. Maddox, that’s disgusting. You know what, why don’t you leave, right now.

[Maddox starts to sob, then hack]

Teacher: Uh…uh-please-please calm down. Mr. Maddox, I’m sorry. Listen, if you promise to lay still, you can stay as long as you’d like.

Terence Maddox: That’s okay. I know when I’m not wanted. You don’t have to kick ol’ Terence Maddox in the ball. [getting up, putting on robe] Now… I may not have gone to some fancy art school… but if you ask me, you people wouldn’t know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot taking a crap on all your cars. Which, by the way, it is just seconds away from doing. Good day, to you. [Maddox walks off]

[“What a Wonderful World” plays over a series of students’ sketches of Maddox]

[Maddox blows a kiss at camera, points to his eye, winks and says, “Wink,” then does hand gestures…]

Thanks to Sharon Eldridge for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

… Colin Quinn

[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]

Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”

[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]

Colin Quinn: Thank you. I’m ColinQuinn.

Well, the big story all week was Bill Clinton. What aSpring Break he’s having, huh? … Depositions,accusations. The week started out great for him — JimMcDougal died. I know it’s one of his closest friends,but let’s face it, he was pretty happy. That wasStarr’s key witness. He’s relieved but he’s gotta actupset. He can’t come out and start celebrating likeMariah Carey’s been doin’ since she left TommyMottola, right? … Can’t run around in a tube topsayin’, “I’m a butterfly, I’m a butterfly.” … Thatwas a great Mariah Carey impression, I know….

Then Tuesday, in some kind of Freudian self-cleansing,he announced he’s gonna have his dog Buddy neutered…. Y’know? When the President informed Buddy of thedecision, the dog was heard to say, “Don’t ever callme Buddy again.” …

Then yesterday afternoon they released seven hundredpages of documents, including two of Clinton’s owndepositions. Here’s basically what the depositionsays: Gennifer Flowers: fondled for twelve years;Kathleen Willey: supposedly fondled; Paula Jones:almost fondled; Linda Tripp: wishes she was fondled;… Monica Lewinsky: did all the fondling. …

Then you have the Kathleen Willey story. He says hejust kissed her on the forehead, but Kathleen Willeysays Clinton kissed her on the forehead, then took herright hand and placed it on his genitals, and said,”Do you swear to not tell the truth, the whole truthand anything but the truth?” …

In the documents they listed some other Jane Does thatClinton was with. One of them was a Miss America. Nowhow did the cute one slip in there? … All right?[cheers and applause] Ah, Miss America. Ah, all right.You know that’s the only one that bothers Hillary,too. … The rest of them she doesn’t care about. Butthat one must kill her.

But you know what it was? Clinton screwed up becausehe was born at the wrong time. I’m sure everypresident had like six mistresses, but he lives in atime when you get called on for your behavior, whenthe country’s just a giant “Ricki Lake Show” judgingyour sex life, y’know? … If this was thirty yearsago, these kinds of things would get taken care of.Paula Jones would’ve got her twenty-five grand and thejob in Hollywood she asked for. Monica Lewinskywould’ve been President of Revlon already. … AndLinda Tripp would have been taken to Vegas, driven outto the desert behind the Sands, and “accidentallyoverdosed,” you know? … [some applause]

Astronomers have reported that a giant asteroid couldpass near Earth in the year 2028. [A working screenimage of the classic coin-operated video game”Asteroids” appears next to Colin — a tiny triangularspacecraft in an asteroid field] Should the asteroidget close enough to threaten life on our planet, thescientists plan to board a tiny triangular spacecraftand fire a laser at the asteroid [The “Asteroids”spacecraft starts shooting asteroids with theappropriate sound effects] … breaking it into foursmaller pieces, then destroy each of those smallerpieces. … If the scientists destroy the entireasteroid, they will get to enter their initials in the”Top Ten Scores” … but instead of their initials,they will probably enter “SEX” or “ASS.” … Best ofall, NASA spokespeople predict that the cost of theentire operation will be one quarter. … Ah, wepushed it as far as we could go. … Allright.

[Photo of Clinton with United NationsSecretary-General Kofi Annan] Kofi Annan met with thePresident this week to ask the U.S. to pay the 1.3billion that we owe to the U.N. The President refusedand then kissed him on the forehead and took Annan’shand and put it on his genitals. … [applause] Oh?Surprise, surprise.

A Minnesota judge who’s presiding over a lawsuitagainst tobacco companies was accused of bias. Thetobacco companies claim he made “anti-tobacco”comments. Now, is this what we’ve come to? Have webecome so politically correct that you can’t make aninsulting remark about tobacco? What is ananti-tobacco remark? “Hey, I don’t mind individualcigarettes, but when they get together they become apack. Then they’re trouble, you know?” …

According to scientists at Cambridge University,female penguins on an island near the South Pole areprostituting themselves to male penguins for stonesthey use to build nests. Police have arrested theirpimp. [Photo of grinning actor Burgess Meredith asBatman’s arch villain “The Penguin” (from the 1960slive action TV series “Batman”). He wears a purple tophat and a monocle with a long cigarette holderclenched in his teeth.] … I know people don’t liketo think of penguins having sex. It is kind ofdisgusting. But every man here knows — be honest –if you’re driving around one night, you have no money,it’s late, you see a penguin with a halter top and yougot a few rocks in the trunk — you’re gonna make amove. … Yeah, bust a move, I should say.

The man who invented the leisure suit, William Farah,died Monday after a long battle with bad taste. …Services will be held in the men’s department at J. C.Penney. … [scattered applause]

NASA’s lunar prospector last week discovered evidenceof sizable reservoirs of ice on the moon. In order toimprove home game attendance, the New York Islandersare planning to relocate there. … [mild responsefrom crowd, Colin reacts:] What, are they having agood year? All right. All right.

A study of odors that sexually arouse women found thatthe most stimulating aromas are licorice, pumpkin, andlavender. The same study showed that men become mostaroused when they smell desperation. … And I had theface of desperation, you notice that? For differentreasons entirely.

The Federal government is considering legislationwhich would put a condensed version of the U.S.Constitution on the back of one dollar bills. Nowyou’ll be able to study law and enjoy a lap dance atthe same time. …

Utah Jazz forward Karl Malone says he has gotten apermit to carry a concealed weapon. He’s also changinghis nickname from “The Mailman” to “The DisgruntledMailman.” … [ironic] Tee hee.

[Photo of Albert Lippert with caption under it reading”BEFORE”] Albert Lippert, a founder of WeightWatchers, died at the age of 72 this week. [Photo ofskeleton with caption under it reading “AFTER”] …Ah, you gotta like it.

This Tuesday is St. Patrick’s Day. In the spirit ofMayor Giuliani’s new policy of civility in the city,vomiting will only be allowed on designatedcrosswalks.

I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking toit.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 4th, 1998

Steve Buscemi

Third Eye Blind

Lewis Lapham

John Hurt

Didi Conn

Natasha Henstridge

Viewer’s Choice

Tim Meadows gives viewers a chance to choose between a Lewis Lapham commentary
or a Clinton (Darrell Hammond) pajama party sketch.

Steve Buscemi’s Monologue

Buscemi can’t get the hang of improve with Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer and Tim Meadows.

Xerox Assjet 790

(Repeat) See: 09/27/97.

Alice In Wonderland

Mad Hatter (Buscemi) is committed for leaning more toward Mentally Disturbing.

Morning Latte

Grease groupie (Buscemi) is ecstatic to meet Did Conn.

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Goth Talk

Janitor Tony Baloney (Buscemi) interrupts the Prom of Doom in the boiler room.

Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss, Glen.

TV Funhouse

Disney’s “Titey” gives Titanic sinking a happy animated ending.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Reggie White (Tracy Morgan) makes racist statements.

Judge Judy

Recurring Characters: Judge Judy, Burt.

Job Interview

Crazy boss (Buscemi) interviews a new hire (Chris Kattan).

Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter…..Steve Buscemi
Alice…..Molly Shannon
Rabbit…..John Hurt
Rat…..Ana Gasteyer
Doctors…..Tim Meadows, Chris Kattan

Announcer: We now return to the Hallmark Children’s Classics Presentation of Alice in Wonderland. [Page turning in book] Chapter 6: The Mad Tea Party.

[Alice, the Mad Hatter, Rabbit, and Rat sit at a table with tea pots and mugs]

Alice: What nonsense. Well this is the most absurd tea party I’ve ever been to.

Mad Hatter: Absurd? Of course it’s absurd. That’s because we’re all mad, marvelously mad!

Alice: You’re all mad?

Rabbit: Well of course we’re all mad. Why, I’m so mad I only sleep to get tired. [Laughter]

Rat: I’m so mad, I wear socks on my hands, and hats on my feet. [Laughter]

Mad Hatter: Hey, I’m so mad, I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother. [Laughter]

Rabbit: [Stops laughing and looks serious] What did you just say?

Mad Hatter: I said I’m mad, wonderfully funderfully mad.

Rabbit: Oh…yeah…mad…right. Well, I’m so mad that I bathe in the sand and I make castles in the sea.

Mad Hatter: Why I’m so mad I constantly burn my penis with red hot cigar butts.

Alice: That is horrible.

Mad Hatter: What’s wrong? Can’t you handle a merry, whimsical madness?

Rabbit: No, I’m with her, that’s not mad, that is sick.

Mad Hatter: What are you talking about, we’re all mad! She wears socks on her hands and I put cigars out on my groin. I don’t see the difference. Who wants more tea? [Picks up a giant tea pot]

Rat: You don’t see the difference? I wear socks on my hands.

Mad Hatter: Well I do that too. And I also build little race cars out of my poop! It’s Wing-Dangily wonderful madness!

Alice: Your friend is scaring me.

Rabbit: Our friend? We thought he was with you.

Mad Hatter: I sleep with my underwear in my mouth!

Rabbit: I think you’d just better go.

Mad Hatter: Go, but why? We haven’t finished our mad diddly tea party. [Puts his fist in his mouth] Moo, mppph [Falls under the table]

Rabbit: You really are sick, Mister.

Rat: I thought this was…Hey what are you doing under the table?

Rabbit: Oh my God…he’s having a fit!

Mad Hatter: [Stands up, ripping apart his shirt] Hey! Look at my scars! Oh, aren’t they wonderfully mad? Mad I say! [Flips the table over, revealing that he’s not wearing pants. Does a little dance]

Doctor #1: Good, good we found him. Great, he didn’t hurt any of you, did he? [Puts a strait jacket on Mad Hatter]

Rabbit: No, he just ruined our tea party, that’s all.

Doctor #2: Ok, Hatter, you’re coming with us.

Mad Hatter: You’re all dead and you don’t even know it!

Doctor #1: Sorry about that, folks, but you know, he’s a madman.

[They start to leave]

Mad Hatter: Oh no, I poisoned their tea.

Alice, Rabbit, Rat: What…our tea!?

[Back to book closing]

Announcer: Join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Alice in Wonderland.

Thanks to Brian Malik for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Viewer’s Choice

President Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Paula Jones…..Cheri Oteri
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
…..Tim Meadows
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Goat Boy…..Jim Breuer
…..Lewis Lapham

Tim Meadows: Hello, I’m Tim Meadows, the star of Saturday Night Live. This week’s big news story was of course the dismissal of Paula Jones’s lawsuit against President Clinton. So we here at Saturday Night Live are facing a familiar quandary: how to satirize the president in a matter that is both insightful and hilarious. It’s very hard to do both in one sketch. So tonight, we’re trying to bold experiment: utilizing recent developments in digital band with technology, we here at NBC will be broadcasting multiple signals on one channel simultaneously. Tonight, for the first time, you the viewer, will be able to choose between two broadcast. On NBC 1 is noted political commentator and editor of Harper’s magazine, Lewis Lapham. [switches to NBC 1] He willprovide informed commentary and historical prospective on the Paula Jones’ suit.

Lewis Lapham: It’s a pleasure to be here.

[switches to Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows: Thank you. And on NBC 2, because we are free from our obligation to be intelligent, we have a top flight network comedy scene about Clinton’s dong.

[Switches to NBC 2]

President Clinton: A lot of crazy stuff is about to go down.

Monica Lewinsky: You’re funny, Bill.

President Clinton: Ha-ha! Well honey, let’s just say that after that judge’s ruling, the big cat is ready to prowl again.

[Both start tickling each other and laughing]

[switches to Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows: Well the choice is yours, America. And as always the entertainment is free, thanks to your friends at NBC. Enjoy.

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: Hello, America. The dynamics behind the Paula Jones case and the Clinton sexual allegations, operate on several levels. The first concerns an erosion of civic understanding…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

Hillary Clinton: …..and just because you got off with this Paula Jones case, don’t think I wont be watching you!

President Clinton: Yes Hillary — I…I mean sir.

[Hillary exits, as 0Monica pops out of one side of the desk]

Monica Lewinsky: We got off!! Woooo!

President Clinton: We’re going to have some fun! Yes sir!

[Paula Jones pops out of the other side of the desk]

Monica Lewinsky: Paula Jones! What are you doing here?!

Paula Jones: Well I figured if you can’t beat ’em, do ’em.

President Clinton: Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! See if Kathleen Willey is down there.

Paula Jones: [looks down] I see a willey, but its not named Kathleen!…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: …..And while we focus on events that have no direct bearing on our lives, decisions being made behind closed doors, change the way we live. Decisions that criminalize the ordinary behavior of everyday life…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

[Monica Lewinsky, President Clinton, and Paula Jones are having a pillow fight]

President Clinton: …..This is gonna be the best sleep I’ve ever had in the oval office!

Paula Jones: But we only got one sleeping bag!

Janet Reno: All right, Billy boy, I heard you’re having a sleep over without me.

[pillow fight stops]

President Clinton: Janet Reno. Hell, you’ll probably burn down the place.

Janet Reno: [To Monica] Hey, cute stuff.

Monica Lewinsky: Hey…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: …..And Clinton’s failure to take a strong stand to support for the campaign finance bill, wasn’t even reported by the mainstream media. Meanwhile the large corporations in our country, continue to exert under the influence…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

[President Clinton is smoking a cigarette, and all are covered from the head down with a blanket]

President Clinton: …..Damn, you’re good baby.

[down the line…]

Monica Lewinsky: Thanks.

Paula Jones: Thanks.

Janet Reno: Thanks.

Goat Boy: Baaa-aaa-aa. Thanks.

Janet Reno: Goat boy let’s you get freaky in the sack.

Goat Boy: Baa-aaa…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: …..Please, America. Stay with me for a second here. See, we continue to live in a society divided into two parts. Two social classes. One of them…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

[Everybody dancing to “Spice Girls” music]

Monica Lewinsky: ……Ooh, I wish that pizza would get here already.

President Clinton: Me too.

[Knock on door]

President Clinton: Come in. Hello?

Oprah Winfrey: Hi! It’s Oprah Winfrey, and guess what, I ate all the pizza!

President Clinton: A woman after my own heart.

Oprah Winfrey: [Pushes Paula Jones away, and stands next to President Clinton] You fine thing, you. That ain’t the only thing I’m after.

President Clinton: Oo-ooh. Looks like I’m about to join Oprah’s Book Club…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: Good. You’re back. Now as I was saying. Hey, don’t change the…

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

[Oprah Winfrey is smoking a cigarette with President Clinton, and covered from the head down with a blanket; “Spice Girls” music still playing]

President Clinton: …..Damn Oprah, you can sure do more than talk.

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm. Honey, I am full of surprises.

[Oprah Winfrey removes wig, and pulls out a knife]

President Clinton: O.J!!

O.J. Simpson: The juice is on the loose!!…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: …..I give up. I heard a good Clinton joke the other day. Clinton didn’t inhale when he and Lewinsky….did stuff. I-I can’t remember how it goes, but listen, what I am trying to say is simple. We have to challenge political power. Question the people who hold it, otherwise America can expect to do no better than…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

President Clinton, Goat Boy, Janet Reno, Oprah Winfrey, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones: …..Live from New York, its’s Saturday Night!!!

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

I Took a Gay Guy to Prom

Office Woman…..Ana Gasteyer
Old Woman…..Molly Shannon
Convenience Store Woman…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: The Lifetime original Documentary shows the ongoing series exploring women’s issues. Lifetime Television uncovers a secret that 20 million American women share, as we proudly present…I Took a Gay Guy to Prom.

[In office setting]

Office Woman: [Picture of woman and prom date] Well, his name was Jason Sands and we double dated at the junior prom with my friend Melissa and her boyfriend Eric. Afterwards we drove out to the beach, and we talked til dawn. The next day, Jason and Eric ran away to Virginia. I heard they got jobs as dancers at Busch Gardens.

[In store]

Convenience Store Woman: Oh, yeah. I went to my prom with a gay guy, but you know I didn’t know. [Picture of woman and prom date] His name was Carl. He lives in California now. I saw him in People magazine. Evidently he makes a good living judging celebrity bridal gowns.

Office Woman: Then, when I was a freshman at Skidmore, I did running crew for “Godspell,” and I started going out with Edmund. Then I caught him in a coat closet making out with the guy who played Jesus.

Announcer: You’ll see that young girls’ fascination with gay men is nothing new. It’s a timeless scenario dating back to when Proms were called “socials”, and gays were called “mentally ill.”

[In home setting]

Old Woman: The year was 1927. And I was scheduled to attend the Rhode Island Fruling Cotillion with a one Mr. Skip Swerengen. And I remember my mother called me aside, and said “dear, that boy of your has one hand on the maypole.” [Picture of woman and prom date] And I said “mother whatever do you mean?” And she said “that young man buzzes whit the fruit flies.” And I said ” what do you mean?” “He buggers men,” she said. I didn’t know what that meant, and finally said yelled “he has sex with men!” But it still wasn’t clear, “He’s gay! He’shomosexual! He doesn’t like women!” And I didn’t get it. And as it turned out, I had a very severe learning disability. But mother was right, that boy was homosexual. And that boy was Robert Mitchum.

Interviewer [v/o]: I thought you said his name was Skip Swerengen.

Old Woman: President Eisenhower, yes.

Office Woman: Eric Forester. He came about a month before we broke up.

Convenience Store Woman: I guess I should’ve know, you know? I mean he wore his jazz shoes to gym class, so —

Office Woman: And Michael West. He was a…huge homo – sexual. I never should have married him.

Announcer: What attracts teenage girls to young gay men?

Office Woman: He was a real good listener.

Convenience Store Woman: He was a good listener.

Old Woman: He always listened to everything I had to say. That’s what I always loved about Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Announcer: I Took a Gay Guy to Prom. This Sunday at 4. Coming up next on Lifetime – 3 episodes of thirtysomething followed by the Meredith Baxter-Birney-a-thon. Lifetime: television for women…and gay men.

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Goth Talk

Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Glen…..Jim Breuer
Mr. Fontain…..Steve Buscemi
Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell
Glen’s Date…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: Serving Florida’s Gulf Coast, you’re watching Channel 33, Sunshine State Cable Access.

[ Opening Titles ]

[ Music Intro: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”, Bauhaus ]

[ In the high school’s hallway]

Circe nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade.

Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azreal Abyss. Prince of Sor-row.

Circe nightshade: Tonight! We are coming to you live from Sun Coast High School, were just down this hall, the pathetic day dwellers of the class of 1998 are celebrating the tawdry amusement known as… [ very sarcastic ] The Prom.

Azrael Abyss: Ehhh……..

Circe nightshade: But we, children of the night have something far more sinister planned.

Azrael Abyss: We have petitioned the dark forces of the student council.. To let us have our own…. Fearful…. Fiendish….

Circe & Azreal: Prom of Doom! [ walking next to the door that says Prom of Doom written on it ]

Azrael Abyss: Follow, Follow, Follow, if you dare.. [ Prom of Doom sign falls down and reveals the word Custodian underneath ] Never mind that.

Circe nightshade: Never mind. Come, Come. [ opens door and Circe and Azreal walk backward into the room ]

Azrael Abyss: Enter our solarium of the sinister….. Oh…… [ bumps foot ] Oh!

Circe nightshade: Come, Come, Come, Come….

[ The room is dark, full of candles and Goths with the boiler in the background ]

Azrael Abyss: Alright, It’s actually the boiler room, but it’s very evil. It’s hot and it smells like the sulfery fumes of hell.

Mr. Fontain: Yeah. Sorry about that kids. That’s the boiler. Ya know when it gets goin’, Uh, it really starts to smell like farts.

Circe nightshade: Uh, that’s the custodian, Mr. Fontain. He’s uh, kind of Goth.

Mr. Fontain: Uh ohhhh…..

Circe nightshade: Well anyway he’s really pasty.

Mr. Fontain: Oh. Just call me Tony. All the kids do. Tony Baloney that’s me! [ laughs ] I sleep down here sometimes.

Circe nightshade: Right

Mr. Fontain: Now don’t you kids worry about having your weird little party here because, hell, if I got busted for doin’ something’ weird down here… [ laughs ]

Azrael Abyss: All right, thank you! To-ny Ba-lo-ney!

Circe nightshade: Now, On to the Prom of Doom !!!!

Azrael Abyss: rawr pssts! This year’s theme song has been written by our shadowy kinsmen, Baron Nocturna. [ Points to Baron ] Baron! Please do tell us about the song-a.

Baron Nocturna: [ holding a Casio keyboard ]Well Azreal, It’s a cruel mockery of the recent Academy Award Winning Theme Song, from Titanic. I call it, My Heart Will Go On……. A PLATE!!!! [ pressing down on the keyboard making the sound of an organ ]

[ Circe and Azreal look into the camera ]

Azrael Abyss: Ohhhhh…… I.. Don’t.. Get It.

Baron Nocturna: It will chill you to the marrow… and a 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. [presses button on the keyboard which plays Casio beats ] [ singing ] Near…. Far…. Wherever you are I will alwa [ interrupted ]

Circe nightshade: But, Baron Nocturna, that’s just the real song.

Baron Nocturna: But I haven’t gotten to the dark part yet, but when I do you may welsh stare into the void, of insanity [ resumes singing ] . Near…. Far…. Wherev.[ interrupted ]

Azrael Abyss: [ stops the music ] Ok that’s enough, Baron!

[Azreal and Circe walk to the side of the room and Mr. Fontain follows them ]

Circe nightshade: Oh great. Now what are we gonna do? We got no song now.

Mr. Fontain: Hmm… Hey, are you kids into pornos?

Azrael Abyss: How bout more music?

[ Azreal and Circe move to Baron and Azreal turns on the music]

Baron Nocturna: [ singing ] Near…. Far.. [ Glen and his date come in and he slams the door in Baron’s face in the process ]

Glen: Hey!!! Tony!! Baloney!! Did you score that beer

Azrael Abyss: [ pushing Glen ] Glen, go away, get awa..

Glen: Todd! [ shoving Azreal to the side ]

Azrael Abyss: Ahh!! Ohww!!

Glen’s Date: [ drunk ] Oh my god Glen, isn’t that your freak brother that works at Dunkin’ Donuts?

Glen: Yah, It’s him man.

Azrael Abyss: [ comes back up ] No, I work at Cinnabuns.

Glen: [ shoving Azreal ] Shut up Todd!!!

Azrael Abyss: Eh!!

Glen: Ya score that beer, Tony Balones?

Mr. Fontain: [ giving a case of beers to Glen ] Here ya go numb nuts.

Glen: Rollin Rock. You are the kid!

Mr. Fontain: All right look, that’s twelve beers that’ll be 50 bucks my man?

Glen: Oh sure man [ reaching in his pockets ] I got singles man, I got you covered. [ gives money to Mr. Fontain ] Huh, all right.

Mr. Fontain: What ever ya got.

Glen’s Date: [ diluted ]

Glen: Honey, I’m gonna hide this, in the crapper, ok? What out side babe. [ shove’s her out ]

Glen’s Date: K!!!

Mr. Fontain: I’m gonna help her wait [ walks out ]

Glen: [ walks further into the room and looks around ] You guys are so… Pa-thetic. Can I say that? I’m goin’ in the crapper, I’m gonna pounce the beer.

Azrael Abyss: [ sticks his toung out ] Ehhh!!!!

Glen: [ shoves Azreal down ] Shut up Todd.[ leaves ]

Circe nightshade: Glen?

Azrael Abyss: [ gets back up ] Ok. Moving on. Let’s go straight to our Prom of Doom Sacrifice…

Circe nightshade: Yes… The sacrifice when we like demons of hell, will burst into the Prom upstairs, and SPLATTER the dance floor with a bucket of pig’s blood. HA!!! HA!! HA!! HA!! HA!! HA!!

Azrael Abyss: Actually we don’t have any pig’s blood, cause I couldn’t find any.

Mr. Fontain: Hey I got pigs blood. I got all kinds of blood. How much ya need?

Azrael Abyss: All right, that’s all about the time we have…

Mr. Fontain: Heww… it’s hotter than a bastard down here. Ya all don’t mind if I take my pants of do you?

[ All the Goths are discussed ]

Circe nightshade: Ah!! Tony Baloney!!

Mr. Fontain: Don’t worry, I wearing und… [ surprised ] Oh, I guess I’m not. [ laughs ]

Baron Nocturna: Oh man, Tony Baloney’s naked. [ leaves ]

Azrael Abyss: Join us next week, until then stay out of the [ with Circe ] daylight. [ Mr. Fontain walks up to them ] Put your pants on!!

[ Ending Titles ]

Thanks to Brian for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Job Interview

Applicant…..Chris Kattan
Interviewer…..Steve Buscemi
Woman…..Natasha Henstridge

[ Applicant nervously enters Interviewer’s office ]

Applicant: Hi. I’m, uh.. here for the job interview?

Interviewer: [ puzzled ] Have a seat.

Applicant: Thanks. [ sits ] How you doing?

Interviewer: [ gruff ] I’m alright! [ awkward pause ] So, you want to work here?

Applicant: Well, yeah, of course! I’d love to work here! Are you, uh.. are you asking me a question?

Interviewer: What do you think?

Applicant: Well, yeah.. it sounds like you were askin me a question.

Interviewer: Well, you’re right. I was asking you a question. What did you think I was doing?

Applicant: I don’t know.

Interviewer: What did you think, I was making a joke?

Applicant: No.. no, I don’t.. I mean.. I-I didn’t..

Interviewer: Geez! Okay. Alrigh,t what is this? I can’t even read . what is your name here? Is it Joe..? John..?

Applicant: Michael.

Interviewer: Michael? It looks like John.

Applicant: It’s Michael.

Interviewer: Yeah, I know that now! i’m just saying, the way you wrote it, it looks like John. Alright? [ ] Alright, what’s this? What does this say here? [ trying to read ] Yucca? Yucla? Yuc? Yucla? What?

Applicant: That’s, um.. that’s UCLA.

Interviewer: [ confused ] UCLA? What is that, some kind of club?

Applicant: No, it’s a college. Um.. I went there for four years.

Interviewer: I never heard of it! I’ve heard of Pepperdine! Why didn’t you go to Pepperdine?

Applicant: I don’t know.. I just didn’t.. I went to UCLA.

Interviewer: Yeah, I know that now! I’m just saying, I’ve heard of Pepperdine! Is that alright with you? Is that alright that I’ve heard of it?!

Applicant: [ uneasy ] Of course.

Interviewer: You know, John.. it’s not all here. You know what I’m saying? Some of it’s here. [ ] Man! [ changing subject ] Are you married, John?

Applicant: Michael. No.

Interviewer: You got a girl?

Applicant: [ afraid to answer ] Yeah.. kind of.

Interviewer: And when’s the last time you had sex? I don’t mean with her – I mean with anybody.

Applicant: Well, uh.. a couple of weeks..

Interviewer: Yeah? I haven’t had sex in a while. Yeah, her name was, uh.. well, it was like a pet’s name. Something like Dash.. or.. Dasher.. Not like Dashhound, but.. Dash something. Dash.. Dashee.. Dash.. I don’t know. Anyway, she looked alright. She had a rod in her leg. She couldn’t dance. It sucked!

Applicant: [ not sure how to respond ] I’m sorry..

Interviewer: Yeah, what can you do? Alright, I’m not gonna hire you.

Applicant: [ outraged ] Why not?

Interviewer: Well, because I don’t like you. Imean, I’m getting this weird kind of vibe from you, you know? But if you want to continue the interview, we can.

Applicant: Why would I want to sit here and be interviewed, when I know I’m not gonna get the job?

Interviewer: I think you’re an interesting guy! We’ve got a lot in common! I mean, my name is also John.

Applicant: My name’s Michael! Michael! Not John! I’m gonna.. I’m gonna go..

Interviewer: Go?! Wha- Wait! What are you talking about?! I just told you I haven’t had sex in a long time, man! I just gave you a piece of me! And now, you just wanna bail?! You’ve gotta give me something, man! You gotta open up!

Applicant: Well.. what do you want to know..? I mean.. I don’t know what to tell you..

Interviewer: Something personal! Anything! I don’t care!

Applicant: [ thinking ] I don’t know.. I.. I’m allergic to cats..?

Interviewer: [ furious ] I tell you I haven’t had SEX in nine years!! And you tell me you’re allergic to CATS?! What the hell?! GET OUT!!

Applicant: What are you talking about?! I was gonna go! You asked me to stay here!

Interviewer: [ flip-flops ] Alright, you got the job!

Applicant: [ confused, but surprised ] I.. I do?

Interviewer: Yeah, man, it’s that simple. Congratulations!

Applicant: Thank you..

Interviewer: You start tomorrow.

Applicant: Okay!

Interviewer: You did great.

Applicant: Great!

Interviewer: See you tomorrow, buddy.

Applicant: Okay. Thanks!

Interviewer: Alright, be good, John. [ Applicant exits, as Woman enters ] You – come on in.

Woman: Yes!

Interviewer: Listen, I gotta tell you – I just gave that guy the job – but if you want to continue this interview, we can.

Woman: [ confused, but sits ] What?

Interviewer: Now.. when’s the last time you had sex, John?

[ zoom out ]

SNL Transcripts