Author: Don Roy King

The Ten Commandments

Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Moses…..John Goodman
Prophet…..Chris Kattan

Moses: And the Lord has sent before you, this Fifth Commandment – “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother”!

[ the prophets agree ]

And the Sixth Commandment: “Though Shalt not Kill”!

[ the prophets agree ]

And the Seventh: “Though Shalt not Commit Adultery”!

[ silence ]

What? What did I say?

Voice Among the Prophets: It’s a little unclear!

Moses: What?! Someone dares question the Word of God!

Clinton: [ steps out ] Not question, really. I mean.. you know, it’s just a little unclear. I mean, adultery, what exactly does that mean? [ laughs, holds smug thumbs-up ]

Moses: Well, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory – Though shalt not know any Woman other than Thy Wife.

Clinton: Yeah, right.. look, Moses.. hear me out on this one, okay? Is it technically adultery, let’s say, if you just let a woman know you? No! Because you’re not really knowing her back!

Moses: I don’t follow.

Clinton: Aw, c’mon, Moses! You know what I mean – maybe she.. knows you.. some.. other way! Like, not with her loins, you knowww..? She could even be fully dressed..

Moses: [ appalled ] Oh, come on. You’re not asking what I think you’re asking, are you?

Clinton: What?! You gotta admit, it’s not really that clear, right people? [ the people agree ]

Moses: Oh, yes, it is clear! What you’re talking about is definitely adultery!

Clinton: [ sighing ] So, God told you to do that exactly?

Moses: Well, no, we didn’t talk about that..

Clinton: Yeah? Well, then how do you know? This is pretty damn important, maybe you should go ask Him.

Moses: I’m not going to ask God that.

Clinton: Fine. I’ll ask Him. [ Moses tries to stop him, but he walks behind the mountain. He returns almost as soon as he left. ] I asked Him, He said it was okay.

Moses: No, you didn’t! You did not just talk to God!

Clinton: I did, too! You know, I asked Him about doing the thing, you know, down there, and He said, “Hey, go to town!” He said just don’t let anyone else know about it. You can put that one right there. [ he points at the tablet ]

Moses: Okay, you talked to God? Then what does God look like?

Clinton: Well.. I mean, He’s big.. uh, He is shiny, and He wears a hat.

Moses: No! God does not wear a hat. Look, the commandment is simple – Though shalt not lie down with any other woman!

Clinton: See? That’s my point! What if you’re not lying down? What if you’re sitting at the edge of your desk?

Moses: Come on, that’s just semantics. Who brought this guy? [ no one claims Clinton ] Look, look.. any kind of knowing is adultery, and that’s that! Now, I’m moving on! [ he presents the tablets again ]Now, then. Though shalt not covet Thy neighbor’s house, nor his goods, nor Thy neighbor’s ass..

Clinton: Wait a minute, Thy neighbor’s ass. What if..

Moses: No! No, no, no.. I know what you’re going to ask, and yes, that is defintely adultery.

Clinton: Okay, but what if she knew you with her hand?

Moses: That’s it. You are not worthy to receive these commandments! [ he throws the tablets to the ground, destroying them. Thunder strikes ] You perverts! [ he exits behind mountain ]

[ Prophet picks up the broken pieces. Clinton examines them. ]

Clinton Wait, whoa whoa! Did he break the one that had adultery on it?

Prophet: Yeah, I think he did.

Clinton: Okay, good! [ examining the pieces more closely ] Okay, see, look? This is great, we have five commandments. That’s all we need! You understand, we got all the good ones. Am I right? [ he turns to address the crowd ] Now, I want to talk about building a bridge to the 12th Century..

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 12

97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Martha Stewart shares highlights from her trip to Cuba.

Martha: I’m Martha Stewart. Golden plantains, aromatic hand-rolled cigars, vibrant peasant textiles. Last week the Pope and I visited Cuba, a country known for its lush vegetation, quaint Castilian architecture and hideous oppressive communism.

Tomorrow on “Living,” I’ll show you the most important thing you can learn about Cuba when I share some elegant and creative ways to escape from this poverty-stricken cesspool of a nation.

The raft has long been the flotation device of choice for Cuban émigrés. I made this one from some sun-bleached driftwood, woven together with raffia. I’ll show you how to build rafts that are functional, visually pleasing, and able to withstand shark attack.

All international travelers need a passport. But when you’re ripping yourself from the clutches of a militant, leftist dictator, your passport may need a little doctoring. With just some aged parchment paper and a jar of India ink, I was able to turn Carlos Enrique Lopez into Kenneth Matthews. Now Kenneth does all my landscaping.

Of course, nothing is more useful to the fleeing Cuban dissident than the latex surgical glove. It’s a classic. This all-purpose, weather-proof, traveling case can be stuffed with jewelry, money or food to sustain you during your trip. I’ve stuffed this one with bean cake and a fresh guava chutney. And best of all, they can be easily hidden in your nether quarters. I’ve got my lunch hidden there right now.

I spent seven days in the crumbling ruins of Cuba before hauling ass back to the Hamptons. And take it from me, the life of a bourgeois capitalist pig is a pretty good thing.

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 12

97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Randy Graves…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Hello!…[composes himself] Hm. Hm! Hm!

Okay…we’ve been off for two weeks, so I’ve had a lot of time to think about this Clinton thing. Okay, past all the jokes, I really feel bad for him. I mean, this is a man so full of self-hatred, that he puts a lifetime of achievement on the line for a series of Olive Garden hostesses. And do you know why Clinton denied being with Monica Lewinsky? ‘Cause she’s not that hot. That’s the sad truth. Most guys have done this: made it with the ugly girl at the bar, the next day your friends are ribbin’ you: “You did her last night.” “No I didn’t.” “Yeah you did.” “You swear you didn’t?” Then, and…and you see it: she comes into the bar all dolled up because she thinks she has a boyfriend….She’s got the new hat, you know? And you have to stop her, she starts hugging you…you saw how Clinton hugged her, it was that morning-after hug. It’s like, “Hey! Hey! Be cool! Come on!” You know? And I guarantee he does it again. You know, Clinton’s that kind of guy, those guys, that you always have that one friend that’s just a hound, like that? Clinton’s back right now. Even with all the trouble at the Olive Garden eating garlic rolls, you know, with Vernon Jordan? He’s like, “Vernon, I’m so depressed…Hiiiiiii! How ya doin’?” You know?…[disappointed by that last joke] Okay….And now, here’s the news.

Mike Tyson’s having money problems. Apparently he owes the IRS seven million dollars. After going over his tax return, they found out he tried to write off Evander Holyfield’s ear as a business dinner.

Former Knick Anthony Mason was charged this morning with having sex with two underage girls. When asked if he’s worried about the fans’ reaction, he said, [picture of Woody Allen and his wife, Soon-Yi Previn] “I’m sure some of them won’t mind.”

Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who had sex with a 13-year-old boy, was arrested after she was found with him in a car. The teacher will be sent back to prison, and the boy is enjoying his highest approval rating ever….Kid!…Let me talk to this kid. Kid! You’re too young to realize it now, but you’re doin’ good! You’re doin’ real good! I don’t know how you carry yourself, how you dress, but whatever you’re doin’, keep doin’ it. You’re doin’ all right for 13….I know, it’s…touching. Um…

According to weather forecasters, El Niño’s cold-weather sister, La Niña, [audience starts to laugh] will be bringing extreme cold–this is true–to the eastern Pacific. [trying to quell laughter] It’s true! Meanwhile…who knew El Niño had a sister? You know, I think we’re in a lot of weather trouble. Why? Did you ever hear of a Spanish family with only two kids? Come on! [cheers and applause] Folks, it’s true. I know it sounds…but we’re stocking up on canned goods, so let’s leave it at that.

Karl– [waits for audience to calm down] Karla Fay Tucker’s last meal was a banana, a peach, and a salad. What kind of last meal is that? That’s a first date meal. The kind of thing you order with the guys, so you won’t think you’re gonna get fat? We’ve brainwashed women so badly in this society that we even order something they want on the day of execution….All right? She doesn’t want the other death row warden talking about her. “Ooh! Her ass looked huge in that chair!”…Uh…

The opening ceremonies at the Olympics were last night. I don’t know what the big deal is here. Somebody who skates 14 hours a day, that’s not an athlete. That’s obsessive-compulsive disorder, all right? [a woman cheers] What’s next, you get a gold medal for turning the stove off…100 times in an hour?…All right…

An Indiana convict who actually asked to be executed for the murder of another inmate was killed by lethal injection last week. His final words: “Wow! That’s the last time I try reverse psychology!”

All right….[reaches under the desk, grabs a copy of Vanity Fair with Matt Damon on the cover and holds it up] Let’s talk about him here, Matt Damon….Now why is this guy starting to piss me off? All right? I know, he wrote a great movie, he’s a great actor, seems like a nice guy, but it’s all a little too perfect. And that’s a little bit annoying, let’s face the facts. [puts down the magazine] All right, him and his buddy wrote Good Will Hunting and went from rags to riches and everyone’s so happy, ha ha ha. Well guess what, I’m not happy for him. You know who I’m happy for when he does good? Me. I’m happy when I do good. People say, “Oh, you’re just jealous.” So what? What’s wrong with that? Jealousy started this country, all right? People were jealous that the Indians had a beautiful continent and they came over and took it. But here’s the part that pisses me off….You have the two best friends, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, you know, they wrote the movie together, Good Will Hunting, but you know it was Ben Affleck that did all the taping – typing, you know, while Matt Damon was on the bed doing hammer curls, all right? You can just see Affleck hunched over the computer like Ben Kingsley in Schindler’s List, you know? While the arrogant, two-time Matt Damon, the spawn of beer hall fascism and Sid Field screenwriting books, sits on the balcony like Ray Fiennes in his bathrobe shooting at people….All right. Obviously, there’s a problem that needs to be dealt with here, you know, I’m not saying that…I don’t know if it’s mine, it seems to be Matt Damon’s from where I’m sitting but, you know, that’s it….Let’s get back to him later.

All right, a New York Lottery winner was convicted of murder this week. He’ll get 50 years or one month a year for life. [some applause]

Police in California are looking for the killer or killers of a dozen sea lions, some of whom were decapitated. Reached for comment, O.J. Simpson said, “I really resent whatever joke you’re about to make here.”

[Colin reaches under the desk, grabs a collage, and holds it up. The collage contains several death symbols as well as a doctored photo of Matt Damon and Adolf Hitler together.]

All right, here’s what I did. Now, this is…I know it looks a lot – I finally figured it out, I had a little time yesterday…I…made a little collage…eh, worked through some of the emotions me and Matt are going through, obviously. I’ve broken it down, as you see, we have a collage of some of the atrocities Matt might have committed in another time and place. Matt! We need to talk! [puts the collage away] All right.

There’s a new doll on the market this week: Carlos, a Puerto Rican gay doll with a boyfriend named Billy. The doll’s creators…the doll’s creators said they are proud to be making America’s first gay dolls. To which Ken replied, “Hello-ooo!” [cheers and applause]…Thank alle!

Okay, we’ve heard a lot of opinions from the media about the White House scandal. What we haven’t heard is straight talk from young people. Here tonight from the University of Ohio is Sigma Epsilon’s own Randy Graves.

[pan over to Randy, who is wearing a red “Ohio” sweatshirt and a backwards baseball cap and talks like a stereotypical college frat boy]

Randy Graves: [has his hand up towards Colin, expecting a high-five] COLON! [pronounces it “Col-ohn”] WOOO! COLON! COLIN! AAOWW! [puts his hand down] WOOO! First of all, this is a big story, dude. Read the papes! This thing is huge! Basically, what happened: the President of the United States, Slick Willie, went for a kick-ass hummer on the sly…and this BITCH, Linda Tripp, totally cockblocked him! Simple as that!

Now, my good bro, Steve Pinner, we were in the same pledge class, he got arrested for rape, we used to call him Hambone. HAMBONE! CHECK IT OUT! HAMBONE! Anyway, the papers called him “The Laundry Room Rapist.” He was clockblocked by some bitch. Tripp is a bitch, Hillary’s a bitch, but Bubba’s cool ’cause he’s out looking for a BJ! [turns back to Colin and puts his hand back up] Give it up, Colin! AAOWW! [some applause] Colon! Colonial foot soldier! COLON! AAOWW! [puts his hand back down and faces the audience]…Come on, man, he won’t give it up!…[to Colin] Dude, are you gay?…You gotta give it up for the bitch line, Quinny!

Anyway, Billy broy…he broke rule numero uno: do not dip your pen in the company ink! Am I right? AOW! Dude, I remember this bro, Derek Adkins, he was the COOLEST! You don’t even KNOW! He was the COOLEST! Anyway, we were having this slave auction fundraiser, and we’re all…we’re all out on the party porch…and, uh…[starts to get choked up] and there were way too many people out there, and…the porch gave way, and…Adkins fell…and he hit his head on the ground, but…but it’s cool…they got him a van with a ramp that he drives with his teeth now, so…[sings] in your eyes, the light’s a heat in your eyes, I am complete! [back to normal] He loved that song! He loved that song! [puts his hand back up] Colon! [puts his hand back down]

That’s what I’m talkin’ about with this President thing! You are the coolest, Colin! You are the man! Give it up for Colin Quinn! [cheers] Give it up! Stand up in your chairs! I’m out! [puts his hand up once again]

Colin: Randy Graves, everyone! Randy Graves! [laughs and finally high-fives Randy] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking with it. Good night!

Randy: [starts in the middle of Colin’s closing] Stand up! Colin Quinn! Stand up!

[Colin laughs while trying to high-five Randy several times]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 14th, 1998

Roma Downey

Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

None

Monica Lewinsky Congressional Address

Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky.

Chess for Girls

(Repeat) See: 10/04/97.

The Culps

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Martha Stewart Living

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

The Ladies Man
Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 13

97m: Roma Downey / Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Today, on “Martha Stewart Living”.

Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. There are a lot of charming traditions associated with Cupid’s Holiday: fine Belgian chocolates, red roses, French Champaign, and of course, these delightfully nostalgic candy hearts. But today on Living, we’ll celebrate what I feel is the real essence of Valentines, loneliness and shame. I’ll show you some innovative ways to enjoy this Holiday solo, by yourself, in the deafening silence of your own home.

A terrific way to combat Valentine’s depression is to treat yourself to an erotic cake. I modeled this almond sponge cake after Michelangelo’s David. [camera pulls back to reveal a cake shaped as buttocks, Martha takes a lick] Now that’s a sweet piece of ass.

Massage oils are a pleasure meant for lovers but they’ve also become a staple of my life here alone in Connecticut. I made this sensual potion with sesame oil, lavender, and fresh elderberry, a natural aphrodisiac. When rubbed into your calves and other private places, it’ll ensure hours of secret, sexy fun. It’s a sensation I really cherish.

But being alone on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you can’t send heart-felt greetings to the significant people in your life. A favorite tradition of mine is to take a simple, cardboard box, garnish it will silk ribbon and velvet hearts, then defecate in the box and leave it in my ex-husband’s yard.

[cut to Martha with the box running up to an expensive house’s front porch]

After all, hatred is a form of passion. [she throws the box onto the porch and dashes back to her SUV, she then screams toward the house] Happy Valentine’s Day your M***** F*****! [she peels away from the house]

Announcer: Martha Stewart, today, on CBS.

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 13

97m: Roma Downey / Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Oh! Thank you. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.

Okay, first, let’s talk about this war in Iraq. What’s going on? Why are we involved? It’s simple. We’re the world’s policemen. Kuwait calls us up, we go to Iraq, we knock on the door…Hussein answers, Hussein’s like the drunk, shirtless guy, like you see on “Cops.” He’s like, “What’s up?!” Ah, we come out, we gotta complain, “We heard you got weapons in your house. One of your neighbors called us.” “Who was it, Afghanistan?! I’ll kill him!” “Cool your jets, it wasn’t Afghanistan.” Meanwhile, Kuwait is Iraq’s wife in the background with a black eye and smeared makeup. “No no, it’s okay, it’s my fault, he said he wouldn’t do it again!” Now we get in the middle of their domestic squabble, smack Hussein around a little bit, threaten him, maybe shoot him in the leg. But you know what always happens: they make up…Kuwait makes up with Iraq, they join forces and blame us, now we’re the bad guys. The Great Satan, you know? And every time we come around, they egg the patrol car or burn our flags. It’s not worth it! I think we should retire as the world’s policemen. Maybe take a part-time security job guard. Guarding…Nova Scotia….Okay…

Today is Valentine’s Day….Today is Valentine’s Day. White House spokesmen said that the President and Mrs. Clinton will honor the holiday by observing a moment of silence…expected to last the entire evening.

[photo of Tom Snyder, who has white hair and black eyebrows] Tom Snyder is considering leaving his “Late Late Show” on CBS, citing creative differences with his producer. The producer wants his eyebrows to match his head.

John Travolta has been in the press lately, criticizing Germany’s lack of tolerance for Scientologists. German officials disputed the charges, saying, “Look. We’re Germans. When we start religiously persecuting you, you’ll know it.”

The Institute for Highway Safety released a report this week that sports utility vehicles are responsible for higher death rates. [footage of O.J. Simpson’s Ford Bronco] [secretly] We know!

Ralph Waite…the guy who played the father on “The Waltons,” is running against the widow of Sonny Bono for his vacant congressional seat. The winner of the primary will face the Democratic candidate, the cast of “Rich Man, Poor Man.”

A 78-year-old man with a walker opened fire in a Nevada casino, wounding several gamblers. Two bystanders who were injured were treated in the casino, and went back to the tables to gamble….You know, fellas, if a 78-year-old man with a walker shoots you, maybe it’s not your lucky night.

[photo of New York City nightclub owner Peter Gashin with a patch on his left eye] Manhattan club owner Peter Gashin was acquitted of charges that he turned his New York nightclubs into drug supermarkets to increase business. Gashin claims that if there was any drug dealing in his club, it must have happened on his left side.

In sports, Jerry Jones hired Chan Gailey as the new head coach of the Dallas Cowboys this week. Coach Gailey is a devout Christian who’s proposing a “no swearing” policy to the team. When reached for comment, wide receiver Michael Irvin said, “I’ll try, but it’s hard not to swear when hookers…spill your blow.”

In Indiana…gangs are recruiting new members on the Internet. Now, that’s not gonna work. You know how people lie on the Internet….Right now there’s a 300-pound middle-aged housewife who’s an OG in the Crips….[secretly] I should have brought my donkey! All right…

Maine…Maine became the first state to appeal its gay rights law. Gay men protested by giving everyone a bad haircut and unfolding all the sweaters at Banana Republic. [some applause]…Now you’re talking!

All right, in this month’s Vanity Fair…[reaches underneath the desk, grabs the issue of Vanity Fair, and holds it up] Madonna claims that the only thing missing from her life is a man to share it with. So in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, [puts down the magazine] okay, I can take a hint, I’ll do it, Madonna. I’ll marry you. But first, let’s go over a few ground rules. [counts the rules on his hand] Number one: everything I have is yours, and everything you have is mine. We split all our finances down the middle, no questions. “Hey, what do you have in your account, what do I have in my account?” We both have money. You have your CDs, movies, production companies…I’ve been on “Update” four weeks! It’s starting to add up, baby! Don’t forget, I’m Irish, so every week I put five dollars in a Christmas Club account. Number two. Rule two? No loud talking, no dancing, flirting at parties or clubs, no outbursts. “Ooh, he’s cute! Alonzo Mourning! Kevin Garnett!” Uh-uh, honey. Sit down, honey, drink your drink. Rule number three…number three, Miss Madonna: no more sentences that start with “I”; I think, I want…now it’s Colin thinks, Colin says, Colin wants, and then on. Rule number four: I like celery in my tuna, and when the Jets are on, make yourself busy. Busy time. Rule number five…[holds up two fingers, looks at his hand, then holds up five fingers] five! See rule number one. All right? Remember this face; you’re gonna be seeing it for the next 40 years. Happy Valentine’s Day, honey!

I’m Colin Quinn, that’s the story I’m going with. Stick here with us! Good night!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

Baseball Dreams

Mom…..Helen Hunt
Danny…..Chris Kattan
Ted Brogan…..Will Ferrell

Mom: ..”And Santa told Teddy the Turtle, ‘Even turtles get presents for Christmas.'”

Danny: That’s a great story, Mom!

Mom: Goodnight, honey. Tomorrow’s Christmas! It’s going to be a big day.

Danny: I don’t care if I get any presents. I just wanna be a pro baseball player when I grow up!

Mom: You can do anything you want, Danny. Just follow your dreams. But in the meantime, get some sleep. [ exits Danny’s room ]

Danny: [ curls up in bed ] I’m gonna be a baseball player! [ a light appears in his closet ] Wha.. who’s there?

Todd Hunley: [ steps from out of the closet ] Hello, Danny.

Danny: [ excited ] Wow! Todd Hunley, from the New York Mets!

Todd Hunley: That’s right. I’m just here to tell you you should follow your dreams. You can do it! You can be a pro ballplayer!

Danny: [ excited ] I can?

Todd Hunley: Sure you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. Just ask Scott Rolan, National League Rookie of the Year.

[ Scott Rolan steps out from the closet ]

Danny: Wow! Scott Rolan!

Scott Rolan: Hey, Andy!

Danny: It’s not Andy. It’s Danny.

Scott Rolan: Whatever, kid. Hey! You can fulfill your dream. This is North America!

Todd Hunley: We usually just say America.

[ Mark Wohlers steps out of the closet ]

Mark Wohlers: That’s right, kid.

Danny: [ excited ] Mark Wohlers!

Mark Wohlers: You can do anything you wanna do. This ain’t Russia, sport!

Danny: [ confused ] But Russia’s a democracy now..

Mark Wohlers: Quit being a fag. You get the point.

Danny: Mark Wohlers called me a fag.. [ sniffs ]

Todd Hunley: Be cool, kid. Don’t cry.

Mom: [ from the hall ] Is everything okay, honey?

Todd Hunley: [ grabs Danny’s arm ] Tell your Mom that everything’s okay!

Scott Rolan: It’s too late! Hide! [ crouches behind the door, as the other two ballplayers crouch behind the bed ]

Mom: [ enters room ] Honey? Is everything okay?

Danny: [ scared ] I’m fine, Mom..

Mom: It smells like chew in here.

Danny: I don’t smell anything..

Mom: Alright. Get some sleep. [ exits ]

Mark Wohlers: [ stands up ] Hey.. your Mom’s hot!

Danny: Hey! What did you say?

Mark Wohlers: I said you can succeed at whatever you want.

Danny: No, you didn’t!

Mark Wohlers: Yeah, it’s true! Just ask Marty Cordova of the Minnesota Twins, and Jeff Fassero of the Seattle Mariners.

[ Marty Cordova and Jeff Fessero step out of the closet ]

Marty Cordova: Hey.. Benjamin..

Jeff Fassero: No. I think it’s Danny.

Danny: Yeah, it’s Danny!

Jeff Fassero: Mind if we smoke? [ smokes ]

Danny: Kind of.. [ coughs ] Listen, I want you guys to leave!

Jeff Fassero: You might want us to leave, but do you want Greg Jeffries of the Philadelphia Phillies, Mark Grudzielanek and Rondell White of the Montreal Expos to go?

[ Greg Jeffries, Mark Grudzielanek, and Rondell White step out of the closet ]

Danny: Yeah, I think I do!

Greg Jeffries: Listen, kid. You can be anything you wanna be. Just set your mind to it.

Rondell White: Yeah, kid. Go for your dreams.

Danny: A bunch of guys have said that already. It’s pretty much meaningless now!

Greg Jeffries: Well, sor-ry, you little punk!

Mark Wohlers: [ pulls propeller off of toy model airplane ] Hey, kid! I think I broke this!

Danny: [ angry ] Hey, come on! Imade that!

[ Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, and Cliff Floyd step out of the closet ]

Todd Zeile: Hi. I’m Todd Zeile. This is Russ Davis and Cliff Floyd. We’re professional ballplayers, too.

Cliff Floyd: Where’s the food? You got any food?

Danny: No! Get out!

[ ballplayers start to party in Danny’s room ]

Mark Wohlers: [ picks up radio ] Hey, man! Does this radio work?

Danny: [ annoyed ] Yes! I don’t even know who you guys are! Where’s Ken Griffey, Jr.

Todd Hunley: Ah, don’t worry about it. He’s gonna stop by later. We dropped him off at a strip joint down the street.
[ ballplayers cheer, as David Howard and Mike Sweeney step out of the closet with a keg ]

David Howard: Where’s the party!

Danny: David Howard and Mike Sweeney! Go away! Guys, you’re gonna wake up my Mom!

[ more ballplayers step out of the closet, including Ted Brogan and his dog ]

Ted Brogan: Hey, where are the girls?

Danny: Who’s that guy? Hey, he’s not even weating a uniform!

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I played a little minor league ball in the 80’s. I was supposed to play in Japan, but I failed a drug test. so.. This is my master, Hannibal. [ dog barks ]

Danny: Your dog scares me.

Mom: [ reenters room, turns off radio ] Honey.. what is going on in here? Who are these men?

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I got rollin’ papers, if you got weed!

Mom: What are you doing in my son’s room!

Mark Grudzielanek: [ puts his arm around Mom ] Hi, sweetheart. I’m Mark Grudzielanek.

Mom: I don’t care! Put that cigarette out, shut that dog up, and everybody get out!

Todd Hunley: Hey, look, lady, we’re just trying to help your kid!

Voice Outside Window: I’m naked! Whoo-hoo!

Greg Jeffries: [ looks out window ] It’s Griffey! He’s naked in the yard again!

[ police sirens can be heard ]

Todd Hunley: Come on! Lety’s go! It’s the cops!

[ ballplayers scatter out of the room ]

Ted Brogan: [ hands gun to Danny ] Can you hide this for me? Thanks. [ runs out of room ]

[ Danny cries, as Mom comes to his side ]

Mom: It’s okay, honey.. they’re all gone now.

Danny: That was horrible!

Mom: Do you still wanna be a baseball player?
Danny: [ throws baseball glove to the floor ] No! I don’t wanna be a baseball player! [ pause ] I wanna be a basketball player!

[ suddenly, a group of basketball players run out of the closet and bounce into Danny’s bed and dribble a basketball on his head ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

A Burt Reynolds Christmas

Burt Reynolds…..Norm Macdonald
Jerry Reed…..Will Ferrell
Michael Jeter…..Chris Kattan

[Opens with a family around a Christmas tree]

Announcer: This holiday season gather the family and spend some time with one of America’s most beloved performers. Friday its “A Burt Reynolds Christmas”.

Caption: A Burt Reynolds Christmas

[Burt stands there in his black leather jacket and red shirt]

Kid: Merry Christmas, uncle Burt.

Burt Reynolds: Yep. Who the hell is this kid?

[Cut to an arguing Michael Jeter]

Announcer: With his special guest, “Evening Shade” co-star, Michael Jeter and Jerry Reed.

[Jerry Reed in a trucker’s look plays the guitar]

[Michael and Jerry play cards with Burt]

Burt Reynolds: I’ll see you ten and I’ll bump you ten. Up to you.

Michael Jeter: I can’t see my cards.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, yeah. I put something in your eggnog earlier. Ha, ha.

[Michael falls down on his face]

[Burt and Jerry laugh]

Jerry Reed: You son of a gun!

[Cut to Jerry getting something out of a red stocking, Burt is next to him.]

Jerry Reed: Well, Burt. It looks like Santa done left us a whole stocking full of jokes. [pulls out paper] How many elves—

Burt Reynolds: Oh, wait a minute, I know this one. Is this the one where the elf pulls his johnson out in the whorehouse?

Jerry Reed: Well Burt, you’re not gonna find a joke of that nature in here.

Burt Reynolds: Sure. I put a whole bunch of them in there earlier.

[cut to Burt giving a gift all wrapped pretty to a little girl]

Burt Reynolds: Here you go.

Girl: Thanks, Santa.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, you bet. There’s nothing in it. Its a prop. Ha, ha.

[cut to Burt and Jerry again. Burt takes out a joke out of the red stocking]

Burt Reynolds: Ha, ha. This one’s funny. Read it for the folks.

Jerry Reed: [reads and he’s embarrassed] Oh, God. Burt…

Burt Reynolds: C’mon, its funny.

Jerry Reed: I can’t read this. It’s about my old wife.

Burt Reynolds: Ha, ha. Merry Christmas to you.

Announcer: A Burt Reynolds Christmas. Friday on NBC.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Christmas Caroling With The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows
Connie Davenport…..Helen Hunt

[ open on interior, household foyer during Christmas – the doorbell rings, a hand reaches out to open the door, revealing Marty and Bobby Mohan-Culp at the door with a keyboard ]

Culps: [ singing ]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la!”

[ the door is shut ]

Marty Culp: Wo wo wo wo wo! [ pushes the door back open ] Jesse? You probably don’t recognize us! I’m Marty Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I’m Bobbie Mohan-Culp. We were your musicteachers back at Altadina Middle School.

Marty Culp: Yeah. Yeah. It probably feels like ancient history to Jesse here – he’s already a sophomore at Vasser.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [ laughs ] Oh, gosh, Jesse, it looks like yourfamily’s in the middle of a Christmas bash.. But you are the last house on our annual caroling tour.

Marty Culp: And we knew your parents always get a real charge out of our holiday house call.. Hi, Eileen! Oh.. she’s moving real fast there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Those quiches look real good!

Marty Culp: They sure look good, yeah..

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Listen, Jesse.. we’ve been caroling for sevenhours. Could we maybe just use your facilities..?

[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it back open in time ]

Marty Culp: Yeah, you’re right.. it’s probably better that we stay out here, if you’ve got a house full of people in there!

Senor Franklin: Heads up! entering the caroling zone!

Never fear, the tenor section’s here!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Oh, the gang’s all here! Jesse, I’m sure youremember your old Spanish teacher – Senor Franklin.

Senor Franklin: Feliz navidad, Jesse!

Marty Culp: And, of course, Connie Davenport, the only typing teacher around who knows all the words to every Gilbert & Sullivan operetta.

Connie Davenport: Sorry, Jesse, we took so long. Your rottweiler really took a liking to my 19th Century cape.

Senor Franklin: Well, I have to admit, Connie – it does smell a little like bacon!

Connie Davenport: It’s a rental.

Marty Culp: It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Connie Davenport: Boy, that wind chill is really starting to kick in..!

[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it open again ]

Marty Culp: Boy.. no room at the inn, huh?

Senor Franklin: Looks like Jesse wants us to sing for our supper! [ camera moves back and forth “no” ]

Marty Culp: No? Oh. Well.. uh.. let’s get the carols cooking. Uh.. Jesse, real quick bathroom break? [ camera moves back and forth “no” ] No?

Connie Davenport: Maybe you’ll change your mind after we make you a musical snowman, and stuff your stocking with a lump of funk!

Marty Culp: Sounds good to me. 1, 2, 3, 4! [ plays the keyboard ]

Men: “Jingle bells, jingle all the..
Jingle bells, jingle all the..”

Connie Davenport: “Jing-jing-jing that bell.
Jing-jing-jing that bell.”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “You can ring my be-e-ell!”

All: Ring-ding-ding.. ding-a-ling-a-ling!”

“Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o’er the plains.
Glo-o-o-o-o-ria!”
Men: “Gloria!”

Woman: “G-L-O-R-I-A!”

Men: “Gloria!”

Woman: “G-L-O-R-I-A!”

Men: “Gloria!”

[ the door is pushed closed, but they all push it back open and change their tune ]

Men: “It came upon a midnight..

Women: “Midnight at the oasis.”

Men: “Send your camels to bed.”

Women: “We don’t need no camels.”

Men: “No, no.”

All: “‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!
‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!”

Women: “Silent night, holy night..”

Men: “Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I’ve written.”

Connie Davenport: “Never meaning to send.”

All: “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two turtle doves..
This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!
Do-do-do-do!
Do do-do-do-do!
Do do-do-do-do!

Here we come a-wassailin’ among the leaves so green
Here we come a.. sailing, take me away to where I’m going..”

Senor Franklin: “And so, I hope I’m offering this simple phrase..”

All: “..to kids from 1 to..
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger

Marty Culp: “Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk!”

All: “Merry Christmas.. to..”
[ the door closes again ]

Connie Davenport: No, no, no.. wait, wait, wait.. [ pushes it open once more ] ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

The Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen …. Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto … Molly Shannon
Gertrude Mintz … Helen Hunt

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen …

Teri Rialto: … and I’m Teri Rialto …

Margaret Jo McCullen: … and you’re listening to …

Together: … The Delicious Dish on National Public Radio.

[they both are sipping eggnog and quite giddy]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Say, Teri, do you hear those sleigh bell jingling?

Teri Rialto: Yes … and ring-ting tingling, too. [giddy laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: That must mean it’s the holiday season again.

Teri Rialto: Yes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And in honor of this special Yuletide edition of The Delicious Dish, our audio technician, Sylvia Spencer, prepared her special eggnog for us.

Teri Rialto: Yes. And it’s really noggy. [more giddy laughter] What a funny, funny, funny word “nooog”.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really used her egg-noggin’ when she made this.

Teri Rialto: That’s funny.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s funny. Fun, fun times with nog.

Teri Rialto: Fun times with eggnog.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s nog. It’s nog. It’s nog.

Teri Rialto: Good times. It’s neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.

Teri Rialto: I think I’m a little bit tipsy, Margaret Jo.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m totally wasted. It’s fun. It’s funny being drunk.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun being a little high. [more giddy laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m a little bit blitzed. Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times with nog.

[the down some more]

Teri Rialto: That is strong stuff.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really makes a mean nog.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. But her cornbread is always a little dry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: [becomes serious really fast] Whoa, Terry. That was way out of line. I can’t believe you just said that.

Teri Rialto: I’m sorry. It’s the nog talking. I’ll have to write Sylvia a note.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You sure will. Boy, you can be a really mean drunk.

Teri Rialto: I know. I’m a monster.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well … so, I guess … anyway. Before this turns into a brawl, let’s share Sylvia’s wonderful eggnog recipe with our listeners.

Teri Rialto: Okay. [reading from a card] Okay. Sylvia Spencer’s Holiday Nonalcoholic Eggnog … nonalcoholic.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oh. I guess we’re not drunk.

Teri Rialto: I could have sworn that we were hammered.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. I was about to make really sloppy phone calls to old boyfriends.

Teri Rialto: This is embarrassing.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s embarrassing.

Teri Rialto: A little humiliating.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s kind of humiliating.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. I guess it’s okay to be embarrassed sometimes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, I guess we were just high on Yuletide cheer. So, let’s go ahead and bring out our special holiday guest.

Teri Rialto: Yes. She’s a very talented and cutting edge confectionary. In fact, we like to call her the Rock and Roll Pastry Chef.

Margaret Jo McCullen: She runs Viva Las Baked Goods outside of Memphis.

Teri Rialto: And she’s here today to shake, rattle and roll out some delicious holiday treats. Please welcome …

Together: … Gertrude Mintz.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Gertrude

Teri Rialto: Welcome to the show.

Gertrude Mintz: [very slow and deadpan] Please call me, Trudy … it rhymes with booty … which I shake all night long … while making pastries.

Teri Rialto: Why don’t you have some nog, Trudy?

Gertrude Mintz: I can’t. I’m allergic to dairy.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.

Gertrude Mintz: Thanks.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Booty Trudy, Christmas sure is a great time of year, isn’t it, for baked goodies?

Gertrude Mintz: It sure is. A lot of exciting confections are appropriate for the Holiday season. But the Christmas confection that really says “rock and roll” to me is the gingerbread house. [she sets an ordinary Gingerbread house on the desk]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooo. Neat.

Teri Rialto: Wow.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s neat.

Teri Rialto: Wow. Rock and Roll.

Gertrude Mintz: This took me 10 months to complete. It’s an exact replica of Elvis Presley’s glorious Memphis estate, Graceland.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. That’s so interesting, Trudy. I didn’t realize that Graceland was just one big room.

Gertrude Mintz: Well, well, it’s not. I just ran out of time before Christmas. I wanted to make tiny gold records out of Neco Wafers. I also wanted the house to have real working plumbing but it was really hard.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sure. Sure.

Teri Rialto: I see that you made a garage.

Gertrude Mintz: Yeah. It houses Elvis’ collection of vintage cars. I made the cars out of Matchbox cars.

Margaret Jo McCullen: So you really can’t eat the cars.

Gertrude Mintz: No. They’re made out of plastic and die cast metal.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s too bad they don’t make gummy cars. You could have used those.

Gertrude Mintz: That would have been neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Too bad. It would have.

Teri Rialto: So, you say, Gertrude, that this took you 10 months to do?

Gertrude Mintz: Yes, but keep in mind that a lot of that time was spent rocking and rolling. It’s hard to bake when you rock like I do.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. Teri and I tried to make a Gingerbread Mount Vernon last year.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. It got really ugly. We almost killed ourselves.

[a disturbingly long pause]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, anyway. We’re all out of time. Thanks for joining us and thanks for our guest, Gertrude Mintz.

Gertrude Mintz: Hope I didn’t get you “all shook up”.

Teri Rialto: No. Thank you for your concern but we are A-OK.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Anyway. Have a Merry Christmas and join us for our upcoming New Year’s party-planning episode next week when we discuss ….

Together: … ketchup.

Gertrude Mintz: You sure you’re okay?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. We’re fine.

Teri Rialto: We’re fine.

[fade ]

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts