For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm
and I asked him about sex.
He sort of smiled and said,
“Maybe instead of telling you what sex is,
why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.”
So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
Goodnights
…..Paul Reiser
Paul Reiser: Thank you, everybody, for coming. Thank you, Annie Lennox! Thank you for ocming on “Saturday Night Live”, I had a great time!
Newt’s Half-Sister
Announcer…..Al Franken
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Farley
Reporter #1…..Kevin Nealon
Candace Gingrich…..Mark McKinney
Reporter #2…..Molly Shannon
Reporter #3…..Jay Mohr
Marta…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #4…..Tim Meadows
[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill dome, with CNN logo ]
[ SUPER: “Next: Gingrich Meets With Lesbian Half-Sister” ]
Announcer: Earleir this week, House Speaker Newt Gingrich held an impromptu press conference with his lesbian half-sister, Candace Gingrich, on the Capitol’s west portico. Our C-Span cameras were there.
[ dissolve to Candace and Newt seated before the press, cameras flashing ]
Newt Gingrich: Well, it, uh.. it looks like we got a pretty good turn-out from you members of the press. All these.. TV cameras. I don’t see what the big deal is, I just wanted to see my sister while she was down here in Washington. We’re family. We may not agree on everything, but.. she’s my sister.. and I love her.
Reporter #1: Miss Gingrich? What are you doing here in Washington?
Candace Gingrich: Well, I’m part of the Lesbian and Gay Rights Task Force, and we’re here to demand legal protection against discrimination. I.. I mean, it’s time for the Republican-controlled Congress to understand: We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!
Newt Gingrich: [ chuckles nervously ] She’s actually my half-sister, uh.. but, uh.. I love her a lot. It’s great to see you, Candace!
Reporter #2: Uh.. what else, Miss Gingrich?
Candace Gingrich: Well, we’ll be actively asking Congress to pass a Constitutional amendment to legalize same-sex marriages in all fifty states, and to appeal all anti-sodomy laws!
Newt Gingrich: [ uncomfortable ] See, we have different fathers. Uh.. same mother, but, uh.. we don’t really see each other that much. Uh.. frankly, I can’t remember the last time we.. talked. [ chuckles more nervously ]
Reporter #3: Candace, would you ever vote for your brother?
[ Newt lets out an extended, loud, nervous laugh ]
Candace Gingrich: Let’s just say that, uh.. Newtie and I, uh.. agree to disagree. Especially when it comes to teaching safe-sex techniques, right?
Newt Gingrich: [ laughs nervously, breaks into a whisper ] Please leave.. I’ll PAY you.. [ laughs again ]
Candace Gingrich: Oh, Newtie, you rascal! Oh! By the way, has everyone met my lover, Marta? [ looks offscreen, as Marta enters on Newt’s other side ] Marta! Honey! Come on, sit next to Newt, dear!
[ Marta sits down next to Newt, sandwiching him in the middle of the two lesbians ]
Newt Gingrich: How do you do, Marta? Any friend of Candace is a friend of mine! [ chuckles more nervously ]
Marta: [ raises fist in the air ] 2-4-6-8! How do you know your kids are straight!
Newt Gingrich: [ more uncomfortable ] Ohhh, boy.. look at the time. Well, I suppose that.. I got a lot of laws to pass – this whole Contract With America thing. [ uncomfortable ] Uh.. geez, it’s hot out here! [ chuckles nervously ]
Reporter #4: Candace, Marta – can we get a picture of you two kissing?
Candace Gingrich: Um.. I’m sorry, I think that would be inappropriate. But you could get a picture of both of us kissing Newt. M-marta?
Marta: Yeah.
[ they both lean in and kis Newt on his cheeks ]
Newt Gingrich: [ struggling to free himself ] Hey, hey, just a second! Get the hell off of me! “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
One Brother Restaurant
Waiter…..Paul Reiser
Businessman #1…..Michael McKean
Businessman #2…..Kevin Nealon
Businessman #3…..Mark McKinney
Nico…..Jay Mohr
Businessman #4…..Chris Farley
[ open on exterior window of the One Brother Restaurant ]
[ dissolve to interior, four businessmen sitting at a table for lunch ]
[ the Waiter, part owner of the restaurant, walks up to the table. He speaks in a heavy Greek accent. ]
Waiter: Okay, hi!
[ the businessmen ad-lib their greetings back ]
Waiter: Alright, you guys ready to order?
Businessman #1: Yeah, I think we are.
Businessman #2: Yeah, we’re just wondering why you call this restaurant One Brother.
Waiter: Because.. I have one brother.
Businessman #2: Yeah, but.. I mean, shouldn’t it be called Two Brothers, then, because there’s two of you?
Waiter: I don’t have two brothers – I have one brother.
Businessman #3: Yeah, but there’s.. two of you?
Waiter: [ not understanding ] It’s very simple. You see, I have one brother – Nico; and Nico has one brother – me. You see? So, we say.. The One Brother Restaurant. Okay! That’s what it is! [ turns to Businessman #1 ] Would you like to order?
Businessman #1: Alright. The, uh.. three bean salad.
Waiter: Yes, sir?
Businessman #1: What.. what kind of type of beans you got in there?
Waiter: Eh, lima beans.
Businessman #1: And what else?
Waiter: Just lima beans!
Businessman #1: But.. I thought it was the three bean salad?
Waiter: Uh, well, it is – you get a total – a total of three beans!
Businessman #1: Just three beans?
Waiter: Three beans!
Businessman #1: No..
Waiter: Three lima beans, yes! It says “three bean salad.” What’s the problem?
Businessman #1: No, no, no problem. What’s in the triple-decker club here?
Waiter: Triple-decker is: lettuce.. mayonnaise.. chicken.
Businessman #1: So.. what else besides the chicken?
Waiter: Lettuce.. mayonnaise.
Businessman #1: So, mayonaise counts as one deck?
Waiter: Yes. That’s the second deck. You want that?
Businessman #1: Could you add bacon to that?
Waiter: Add bacon? [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?
Nico: No.
Waiter: No. It is what it is!
Businessman #1: Okay, I’m gonna need more time.
Waiter: Okay! [ turns to Businessman #4 ] What about you?
Businessman #4: Uhhh.. now, the, uh, four-cheese pizza.. that doesn’t have any of that Greek goat cheese in it, does it?
Waiter: No, no, no. It has mozzarella.. eh, romana.. mozzarella.. and, eh.. then, there’s moozarella.
Businessman #4: That’s, uh.. really only two cheeses.
Waiter: [ thinking ] No, that’s four cheese: mozzarella.. romana.. mozzarella.. there’s-a more mozzarella.
Businessman #4: Aww! Yeah! I’m an idiot!
Waiter: Okay. Four cheese?
Businessman #4: [ shakes head ] Um.. I’m not ready yet.
[ Waiter turns to Businessman #2 ]
Businessman #2: Now, I’m assuming that your double cheeseburger is just one burger patty?
Waiter: Yes! Double cheese, one burger.
Businessman #2: Does that come with any cheese?
Waiter: No cheese.
Businessman #2: Can I get cheese?
Waiter: You wanna put the cheese on the — [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?
Nico: No.
Waiter: No! It is what it is! [ turns to Businessman #3 ] How about you?
Businessman #3: Now, the tuna sandwich —
Waiter: Yes?
Businessman #3: Is that with two slices of bread – one on the bottom, one on the top – with tuna in the middle?
Waiter: Of course. Why would you ask that? Yes. Yes.
Businessman #3: Then, I’ll have that.
Waiter: Alright.
[ everyone murmers “Me, too.” ]
Waiter: Okay! Alright! Four tuna sandwiches. You know, I have to charge you for six?
Businessman #1: Well, how much is that gonna cost?
Waiter: It’s the same as four – don’t worry. Okay? Four tuna sandwiches coming right up!
[ Waiter heads toward the kitchen, then stops and returns to the table ]
Waiter: Wait a sec! Wait a sec.. I just realized something! What you said before, now I see – I understand now!
Businessmen: What?
Waiter: ‘Cause, from where you are sitting – you see-a two brothers! Is Nico and me! It’s two, not one! So, we-we should call the restaurant – should be Two Brothers!
Businessmen: [ enthusiastically ] Right!
Waiter: Maybe we should do it! We should change the, the name! Nico?
Nico: No!
Waiter: It is what it is! It is.
[ Waiter exits to the kitchen, as the businessmen converse amongst themselves ]
[ fade ]
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Jeff Foxworthy … David Spade
Frank Dippy … Adam Sandler
Hank Doodle … Chris Farley
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. I’mNorm Macdonald and this is the fake news:
A Michigan man has been arrested for the murder of aco-worker following their joint appearance on “TheJenny Jones Show.” Jenny Jones says she’s very upsetover the incident. How upset? Find out on the next”Jenny Jones.” …
F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense onlyknew what Ron Goldman’s last words were, they might beable to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me,Goldman’s last words were probably, ah, “Hey, you’reO. J. Simpson!” … [cheers and applause]
And Bailey insists he’s talked to potential witnessMaximo Cordoba. “I have NOT talked to F. Lee Bailey,”says Maximo Cordoba. Who’s right and who’s wrong? Findout on the next “Cordoba.” …
Some teenagers are snorting or injecting Ritalin, adrug prescribed to treat attention deficit disorder inchildren. Drug abuse experts warn that Ritalin cancause accelerated blood pressure, along with enhancedmental alertness, a surge of energy, and an increasedsense of self-confidence. And, remember, kids: thoseare BAD things. …
[Photo of a man pointing a rifle at another man’sface] Well, tests got underway this week to see ifthose new outlawed bullets are really as dangerous aseveryone says. …
Norm MacDonald: Well, in weather news, thesouth has been hit with a record number of tornadoesthis month. Now, a lot of viewers, ah, don’tunderstand what a tornado actually is. So here toexplain is best selling author of “You May Be aRedneck,” comedian Jeff Foxworthy. Jeff?
[Cheers and applause for the mustachioed,Southern-accented deadpan comic.]
Jeff Foxworthy: Thank you Norm, thank you. Ifyou have winds swirling around you at a hundred andforty miles per hour and lawn chairs flying about, youmight be a tornado. …
If cumulus and nimbus clouds dissipate when you’rearound, there’s a good change you’re a tornado….
If you’re an extratropical funnel comprised of warm,humid air conflicting with dry air, causing acone-shaped swirling cloud that periodically touchesdown and tears a brutal path wherever it hits …there’s a chance you may be a tornado. …
If people see you and run … there’s a good argumentto be made, that you could be characterized, notunfairly, as a tornado. …
If you were in Enid, Oklahoma in February 1960 andwhen you finished your destructive rampage, twenty-sixpeople where left for dead, you may be a tornado.
If you look in the mirror and see this [holds upcartoon drawing of a tornado] … you–
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Hey, hey, Jeff,now, ah, those are really funny but, hey, why don’tyou give us a redneck joke, huh? Like, ah, you knowif, ah, if your family tree does not fork, you may bea redneck! One of those?
Jeff Foxworthy: Well, Norm, that was last year.Right now I’m focusing on promoting my new book, “YouMay Be a Tornado If…” Which is in its third printingand has hilarious jokes like the ones I just told youplus a whole lot more.
Norm MacDonald: Well, good luck there, Jeff.Thanks a lot for stoppin’ by.
Jeff Foxworthy: There ya go, Norm! [cheers andapplause] Thank you!
Norm MacDonald: Jeff Foxworthy!
Jeff Foxworthy: [flashes the drawing whileexiting] Tornado!
Norm MacDonald: According to a controversialnew biography, Elizabeth Taylor likes her lovemakingloud, rough, and frequent. Coincidentally, that’s alsohow she likes to eat. …
[Norm glances at headline that reads: “5th O. J. juroraxed”] Oh no! O. J. has struck again! How ’bout that?… [scattered applause] Not a good thing.
A recent study shows the number of sexually activeteenagers is leveling off at 53 per cent. And anotherstudy shows the number of teenagers who tell theirfriends that they are sexually active is holdingsteady at 100 per cent. …
[Photo of LaToya Jackson in concert] Here we seeLaToya Jackson wowing the crowds in St. Petersburg,Russia. Of course, in Russia, “wowing” means “todisappoint or disgust.” …
The state of New Hampshire is on its way to becomingthe first state to ban the use of lions, tigers,elephants, and other exotic animals in circuses.Officials also plan to change the state motto to “NewHampshire — Where the Circus Really Sucks”…
Norm MacDonald: Well, here at Weekend Update welike to hear what ordinary Americans have to say aboutworld events. So here, with a point-counterpointdiscussion, are Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle.
[Cheers and applause for two bespectacled, MiddleAmerican yokels — thin Frank Dippy, wearing cowboyhat and Western string tie, and fat Hank Doodlewearing a tasseled red Shriners’ fez.]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, how are ya, fellas?
Frank Dippy: Doin’ fine, Norman.
Hank Doodle: Let’s get it to it, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas, you know therules. You have ten seconds to get your point across.Now, here’s your first topic: The first hundred daysof the Republican congress drawing to a close — havethey delivered their Contract with America? FrankDippy, you have ten seconds.
Frank Dippy: [stuttering horribly] All right -ten, ten seconds, got a lot to say. One hundred days,this is going back to the, whoosh, got, it’s as simpleas – okay, Bill Clinton, got the – lemme just saythat, hala, make no mistake, ha he hem – [BUZZER] -All right, out of time, okay.
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Okay. Okay, Hank , uh,Hank Doodle, your rebuttal.
Hank Doodle: Okay. I was just talkin’ aboutthis to ah, my bleedin’ heart liberal brother. So Isits the guy down, I look him straight in the eye, andI says to him, I – I says to the guy. I says to him, Isays, I says, he’s right there, I’m right–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas. Well, let’smove on to the next topic. It’s Oscar time. Bestpicture category, what do you think? Frank Dippy?
Frank Dippy: So many terrific, ah – Pulp Fic–Pulp Fiction got the, got the, [?], Shawshank, gotthe, but, okay one thing about the Gump, you got, who,okay, yeah. Brando – Brando did not want to show upbecause of the Indians. But, oh, I’m getting ahead ofmyself. Ah, okay, focus, gotta think here. It allcomes down to the– [BUZZER] … That did not go well,all right.
Norm MacDonald: Okay, well, Hank Doodle, thefloor is yours. Best picture?
Hank Doodle: An old school buddy of mine is,ah, in the Academy, I don’t normally do this but Icalled him up and I says to him, I, I, I says to him,I says, I says, I says, I says, I says to him, I says,put him right on the spot and I, I, I says to him, I–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: All right, well, the O. J.trial — is the high-priced defense team giving O. J.his money’s worth? This is a complex issue so I’mgoing to give each of you twenty seconds. FrankDippy?
Frank Dippy: Okay, now look, ah, I’m notlookin’ to ruffle any feathers, here, it’s just, let’sstart at the top here, okay, well, Papa Gino’s givesya, ah, forget that – gettin’ sidetracked, anyway,Judge Ito is fooling himself if he thinks any–anyway, I says to the guy, I says, I says to him, Isays– Oh, that’s HIS thing. All right, okay, gottahurry, and, and, ah, here comes the buzzer, and–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Look, I think the twentysecond thing might have been a mistake, there, so, Mr.Doodle, for your rebuttal, I’m going to give you fourseconds. Go ahead.
Hank Doodle: Well, I says to him, I says, I, Isays, I says, I says– [BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: Now, fellas, I know you’re bothhuge college basketball fans, so, in closing, whydon’t you tell us who you think’s gonna win the FinalFour?
[Dippy and Doodle simultaneously jabber away,stuttering and “I says”-ing. After a few moments, Normends the bit.]
Norm MacDonald: All right, okay, I think that’senough, Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle, everyone! [Cheersand applause as Dippy and Doodle exit jabbering, muchto Norm’s amusement] Well, um …
Newlyweds Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson had theirfirst argument this week. He wants kids, while shewants fake kids. …
[Photo of multisport athlete Michael Jordan] And,finally, well, it’s official– [cheers and applause]There ya go. Michael Jordan is leaving baseball toreturn to basketball. It is unclear whether the mediawill now refer to him by his old basketball nickname,”Air Jordan,” or his more recent baseball nickname,”Señor Crappy.” …
And that’s it. Thanks, folks! See ya next week.
[Music. Cheers and applause. With a stylish flip ofhis sheaf of papers, Norm removes his microphone,rises and exits. Fade.]
Submitted Anonymously
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
March 25th, 1995
John Goodman
The Tragically Hip
Dan Aykroyd
Brian Dennehy
Bob Dole’s (Dan Aykroyd) angel and devil steer him through election talk.Recurring Characters: David Brinkley, Bob Dole.
Six-timer Goodman gets to perform new Blues Brother act with Dan Aykroyd.Recurring Characters: Mighty Mack, Elwood Blues.
Recurring Characters: Bob Sweski, Pat Arnold, Carl Wollarski, Tood O’Conner, Irwin Mainway.
Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) doesn’t give Goodman a chance to speak during interview.Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.
Kato Kaelin (David Spade) displays talents on the O.J. Simpson trial witness stand.Recurring Characters: Kato Kaelin.
Pervert (Adam Sandler) dresses like a dog to satisfy beastiality cravings.
Rush Limbaugh (Dan Aykroyd) steals Howard Stern’s (Michael McKean) entourage.Recurring Characters: Howard Stern, Robin Quivers.
A mysterious bottle may unlock the secret to the origins of the universe.
Coal miners (Kevin Nealon, Goodman, Dan Aykroyd, Mark McKinney) joke about cave-ins.
Surveyist (Chris Elliot) questions need for penis-measuring device in the New Denver Airport.After 10 seasons, Chris Elliot announces he’s leaving “SNL”.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
You can’t tell me that cowboys, when they’re branding cattle,
don’t sort of “accidentally” brand each other every once in a while.
It’s their way of letting off stress.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Entertainment Tonight
Mary Hart…..Laura Kightlinger
John Tesh…..Michael McKean
Ron Wood…..Mike Myers
Jodie Foster…..Janeane Garofalo
Liam Neeson…..Jeff Daniels
FADE IN
The ET bumper graphic comes accompanied by the ET theme music. MARY HART & JOHN TESH are seated at the news desk.
Mary Hart: Welcome back to Entertainment Tonight!
A still of Annette Bening appears on screen.
SUPER: ANNETTE BENING – 58
John Tesh: Celebrating birthdays today Annette Bening is 58.
A still of Goldie Hawn ON/S.
SUPER: GOLDIE HAWN – 87
Mary Hart: Goldie Hawn is 87.
A still of Donna Mills ON/S.
John Tesh: And Donna Mills is a lucky 100 years old today!
Mary Hart: Nell, Jodie Fosters new movie about a wild child of the woods who speaks her own language, has many in Hollywood speaking their own unique language – – English – – about another Oscar for the two-time Oscar winner to add to the two she already has – – making it an even three.
John Tesh: Our camera caught up with Jodie, and her co-star Liam Neeson, on location in the green mountains of Kentucky. Well, here with the story is ETs own Ron Wood.
EXT. FILM SET KENTUCKY GREEN MOUNTAINS DAY
Rolling Stones bassist RON WOOD, holding a cigarette & martini up to the camera while seated in a directors chair.
Ron Wood: Cheers, mate. All right. Ron Wood – –
Ron mumbles one incoherent word after another, then chuckles.
Ron Wood: All right!
The CAMERA pans out to REVEAL JODIE FOSTER seated on Rons right and LIAM NEESON seated on Rons left. Jodies in her hermit wardrobe from the film, prancing her fingers and a leaf in the air. Liams sulking and smoking a cigarette.
Ron Wood: Im here with Jodie Foster and Liam Neeson; you know what I mean man? All right. Yeah.
Ron laughs and takes a quick sip from his martini.
Ron Wood: Jodie – – Oscar time, all right. Do you – –
Ron mumbles off topic, guffaws, and drinks his martini.
Jodie Foster: Chickapay. Chickapay mismay. Hineetay. Chickapay.
Ron Wood: All right, man. All right. Sound as a pound, lad. Sound as a pound. All right. Okay. Liam, Liam, what is it – –
Rons mumbling and laughs through his intoxication.
Ron Wood: Schindlers List, you know, Schindlers List.
Liam Neeson: It was a mistake, me being a man, you know – –
Liam launches into mumbling. Ron arches his eyes, and then chortles.
Ron Wood: You, you.
Ron mumbles while Liam nods his head and flashes a slight grin.
Ron Wood: Its crazy, man. Its crazy.
Both men take long puffs from their smokes.
Ron Wood: Liam, Ireland, alcoholism – –
Liam groans and shakes his head.
Ron Wood: Whats that all about?
Liam mumbles.
Ron Wood: Oh, come on, man! Its me Ronnie! Its me Ronnie, man! Liam, its me Ronnie!
Both men engage in a crosstalk of mumbling and then resume smoking. Jodie waves his fingers and the leaf across Ron & Liam.
Jodie Foster: Chickapay mismay.
Ron Wood: Chickapay – thats right, man.
Ron mumbles more and more.
Ron Wood: Ron Wood, with Liam and Entertainment Tonight All right.
Ron mumbles and laughs at himself then hums the ET theme.
INT. ET STUDIOS
Mary and John are smiling at the desk.
John Tesh: All right. Thank you, Ron. Boy, it looks like they had a good time, didnt they?
Mary Hart: It sure does.
John gives a boisterous yet brief chuckle and then goes straight-faced.
John Tesh: When ET continues, well talk with actor Charlie Sheen, then find out what it was like working for his father and his brother, and sleeping with all those Hollywood prostitutes.
Mary and John smile. The ET theme resumes as does the bumper graphic.
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Film Beat
Ted Davis…..Chris Elliot
…..Jeff Daniels
Mark’s Voice…..Michael McKean
Caption: FILM BEAT
[Opens with Ted and Jeff sitting in directors chairswith a TV screen behind them. Two rows of black andwhite pictures of Jeff Daniels performances from hismovies are on the set]
Ted Davis: Hi and welcome to Film Beat. I’m Ted Davis.No relation to Betty. Ha,ha,ha. And with me today isJeff Daniels. A very versatile actor now starring withJim Carrey in the hit comedy “Dumb and Dumber”. Whichone were you? He, he, he…
Jeff Daniels: Well, I mean there wasn’t really much…
Ted Davis: No, no, no, that was the title, right?
Jeff Daniels: Right.
Ted Davis: But I got ya’.
Jeff Daniels: You did, you did. Yep.
Ted Davis: Well, I think we have a clip from “Dumb andDumber”. Is that all cued up, Mark?
Mark: [off camera]Oh, yeah.
Ted Davis: Ok, great. So let’s take a look.”Dumb and Dumber”
[Cut to the scene in Dumb and Dumber were Jeffcharacter is panting and grunting in the bathroom,taking his pants and underwear off in a hurry andtaking a thunderous dump. His face contorts andflatulence and diarrhea sounds are heard. His facechanges to comfort and with a towel he fans out thewindow the unholy smell of his crap]
[Back to studio]
Ted Davis:[laughs]That is funny stuff. Very funny, Jeff.[pats Jeff leg]
Jeff Daniels:[amused but a little embarrassed] Yeah, well, not one of my proudest moments.
Ted Davis: Of course not.
Jeff Daniels: Hey, it was a nice change of pace.
Ted Davis: Sure. No, absolutely. Now look, let me askyou something. Last summer you starred in the big action hit “Speed”.
Jeff Daniels: Mm-mmm.
Ted Davis: Tell us about that one.
Jeff Daniels: Oh, right. Well, I play an explosivesexpert and Keanu Reeves is my partner and he’s in abus with a bomb and I’m trying to figure out a way tokeep it from blowing up.
Ted Davis: Wow. Ok, well I think we have a clip ofthat. Let’s take a look.
[They turn to look at the screen again. The same clipof Dumb and Dumber plays again. The thunderous crap scene]
[Back to studio]
Jeff Daniels:[confused look] I think there’s a….
Ted Davis: Wow! That was exciting. Boy, jeez. So Iguess the whole idea was that the stress caused yousome sort of gastrointestinal thing?
Jeff Daniels: Um, no. Actually, no. I think someonemade a mistake. That was the same clip from before.That was a scene from “Dumb and Dumber”.
Ted Davis:[surprised]Ok, um Jeff. Wow. Umm. Let meswitch gears here for a second. I want to talk alittle bit about your breakthrough role in one of myfavorite films “Terms of Endearment”.
Jeff Daniels: Sure.
Ted Davis: If we could.
Jeff Daniels: Well, I played a college professor whose wife was…
Ted Davis: Played by Debra Winger.
Jeff Daniels: Right. She’s diagnosed with cancer andthen she finds out I’m having an affair with a student.
Ted Davis: Yes, that was quite a moment. I remember.
Jeff Daniels: Yeah, yeah. People hated my characterfor cheating on a dying woman.
Ted Davis: Yeah, no I’m sure. I can imagine. Butironically if I remember correctly your character alsocame down with a little bit of an illness. Something.Little bit of Montezuma’s revenge. Let’s take a look.I think we have a clip.
Jeff Daniels: What?!
[Cut to scene of thunderous dump of Dumb and Dumber]
[back to studio]
Ted Davis: Well Jeff Daniels, Deborah Winger, “Termsof Endearment”. A lot of Oscars passed around. I don’tknow. How did you feel? I don’t want to say overlooked….
Jeff Daniels:[distressed] No, listen Ted. I thinkthere’s a problem with the clips.
Ted Davis: Mark, are we having problems with the clips?
Mark: [off camera] No problem.
Ted Davis: Ok, no problem with the clips. Ok, let meagain switch gears if I could for a second here.
Jeff Daniels:[getting angry] Yeah, yeah.
Ted Davis: Do you worry at all about being typecast?At all. I mean, do you worry about always being theguy in the toilet? I mean….Jeff “Diarrhea Head” Daniels.
Jeff Daniels: All right. Look, look….I think Ibetter just leave.[gets ready to leave, Ted holds his arm]Ted Davis: I’m sorry Jeff. Can you hold that thought?We have to break away for a commercial here and willbe right back after this commercial with Jeff “ToiletBoy” Daniels? So stay tuned.
[cut to thunderous dump scene of Dumb and Dumber]
[back to studio]
Ted Davis: Ok, so we’re back from commercials.
Jeff Daniels: That wasn’t a commercial!!
Ted Davis: Yes, it was.
Jeff Daniels: No!, no!
Ted Davis: It was a commercial.
Jeff Daniels: Well, what was it a commercial for?!!
Ted Davis: You know, I’m not sure. Let’s take another look.
Jeff Daniels: NO!!!
Ted Davis: Its…we could do it. It’s very easy to…
Jeff Daniels: No!
Ted Davis: Are you sure?
Jeff Daniels: No….fine.
Ted Davis: So what’s next for Jeffrey Daniels? Tell meabout it. What are you working on now?
Jeff Daniels: Well, as a matter of fact, I’m writing ascreenplay that I’m very excited about.
Ted Davis: Oh, that’s terrific, yeah. I think we havea clip of that. Let’s take a look.
Jeff Daniels: No, you don’t.
Ted Davis: Mark, do we have a clip of that?
Mark: [off camera] Absolutely.
Ted Davis: Ok, great.
Jeff Daniels: You don’t have a clip of a movie thathasn’t even been made yet!!!
Ted Davis: Oh, my dear Jeffrey. Then pray tell what might this be?
[Thunderous dump scene from Dumb and Dumber playsagain. Jeff is mortified. He covers his face, Tedlooks at him and enjoys watching him squirm]
Ted Davis: Ok, well Jeff. I think we’re just out oftime. Do you have any last words you’d like to leaveus with?
Jeff Daniels: Yeah, I really don’t know why you’redoing this. You know, I’ve never been treated in thisway. I mean, I really, really, really resent….[loudfart sound effects]
Ted Davis: Oh, no. Come on.[Fans his face, making itlook like Jeff is farting]
Jeff Daniels: I flew in here for this….I, I, Icould’ve said no….
[Film Beat logo appears. Frustrated Jeff keeps talkingto a uninterested Ted]
[fade]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Gay Stripper Theater
Ryan Shiraki…..Jeff Daniels
Kevin’s Father…..Chris Farley
Bruce…..Tim Meadows
Dave…..Kevin Nealon
Mark…..Adam Sandler
Shane…..Michael McKean
Talent Scout…..Jay Mohr
Scott…..Mike Myers
Boyfriend…..Fred Wolf
FADE IN:
[ CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER A PURPLE CURTAIN GRAPHIC ]
[ TITLE CARD: GAY STRIPPER THEATER ]
[ INT. STUDIO – NIGHT ]
[ Host RYAN SHIRAKI, sporting a mullet with suit and tie, sits at a bartable holding a glass of scotch. An ashtray and basket of peanuts are in front of him. ]
Ryan Shiraki: Hello, I’m Ryan Shiraki and welcome to “Gay StripperTheater”. In our first scene titled “Hitting My Stride” — Scott, a gaystripper, puts it all together and puts on the best performance of hislife. Let’s take a look…
[ INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT ]
[ MUSIC: SNOOP DOGG’S “WHAT’S MY NAME?”]
[ Several patrons sit near the stage as SCOTT, a curly-haired gay stripperwearing short, tight leather, does his routine as flamboyantly as he can.The crowd cheers as he exits. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: Well, he was gay and he certainly knew how to strip! In ournext scene, Bruce lives out every gay stripper’s worst nightmare. Let’swatch — Uh oh! — Mom and Dad are in the audience!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]
[ The patrons watch and cheer as BRUCE, dressed in a revealing cowboycostume, dances a jig and strips. He notices his parents in the front. ]
Bruce: Mom! Dad! Can’t you see I’m not Rodney!? I’m not and I never will be!!
[ Bruce tearfully leaves the stage as his parents shake their heads. The crowd applauds. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: That’s right, Mr. & Mrs. Bruce’s parents — deal with it!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
Ryan Shiraki: Let’s move onto our next scene entitled “The Talent Scouts are Here!” Mark, a gay stripper, has been practicing for this night for the past three weeks. The only problem is he fell asleep in a chair and woke up with a stiff neck!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
Ryan Shiraki: Let’s take a look at this stiff-necked gay stripper!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]
[ The patrons watch as MARK, in tattered jeans and mesh tank top, beginshis routine. He performs without trouble on his right side, but can barelymove his left side. A TALENT SCOUT and his assistant take notes. Mark canhardly stand the pain. He removes his belts, struggles to place it betweenhis crotch and ass and gyrates the belt until it’s too much. ]
Mark: Oh damn this stiff neck!! This is the worst night of my life!!!
[ Mark tearfully leaves the stage as the crowd cheers. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: Well Mark, you’ve got a killer body, you had great moves;but the problem was your neck was too stiff!!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
Ryan Shiraki: Our next scene is entitled “What Are You Doing with Him?”Moments before his performance — Dave, a gay stripper, finds out hisboyfriend is in the crowd with another man. Let watch…
[ Shiraki grins. ]
[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]
[ DAVE, in low-low cut Army fatigues, comes out to dance and gets cheersfrom the crowd. He frowns as he notices his lover SHANE with anotherBOYFRIEND. He does his dance and flips off Shane Italian-style. Shane putshis arm around the boyfriend. Dave smacks his backside for Shane to noticewhile leaving. ]
Dave: And one another thing Shane – you can kiss this goodbye!
[ Shane laughs and applauds while the boyfriend rolls his eyes. The crowd cheers. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: I guess that gay stripper is now officially available! Ourfinal scene tonight, “The Substitute”, is a heartwarming tale of loyaltyand sacrifice. A gay stripper, Kevin, twists his ankle at dance practiceand cannot perform that night. With Kevin’s gay stripping job at stake,his father steps in to save the day. Let’s take a look…
[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]
[ KEVIN’S FATHER, wearing boxers and a tank top, “bunny-hops” to thecenter stage and does a 1930’s stripper routine. He struggles to keep hisboxers from falling off. He stops and points to the crowd. ]
Kevin’s Father: MY SON’S A GAY STRIPPER!! AND BY GOD I LOVE THE BOY!!
[ He departs to a roaring crowd. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: That’s “Gay Stripper Theater” for this week! Good night!
[ Shiraki grins. ]
[ CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER A PURPLE CURTAIN GRAPHIC ]
[ TITLE CARD: GAY STRIPPER THEATER ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs