Author: Don Roy King

Civil War Memories

Announcer…..Michael McKean
Richard Panero…..Kevin Nealon
Denise Tompkins…..Ellen Cleghorne
Damon Watson…..Tim Meadows
Craig Schenk…..Chris Farley
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Eric Milligan…..Adam Sandler
Rajneesh Singh…..Mike Myers

Announcer V/O: “Civil War Memories”. Ordinary Americans who never completed high school look back at the war between the states.

Part 6: The Battle for Charleston.

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

The Battle for Charleston, South Carolina, was one of paramount importance for both the Union and the Confederacy. Charleston was the jewel of the South; and, for the North, the road to victory led inevitably through its streets.

[ dissolve to Richard Panero, a crossing guard ]

Richard Panero: General Lee knew if he lost Charleston, the war was over. But the odds were against him, because the Norh had a lot more troops, faster horses, much bigger tanks, jets, planes and Scud missles.

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: Indeed, the North’s firepower far exceeded that of the South. But the South had one key advantage over Generl Sherman’s Union forces.

[ dissolve to Denise Tompkins, a laundromat supervisor ]

Denise Tompkins: Advantage? I don’t know! It’s what, the 1800’s and something, right? So, maybe the Southern people, ’cause they live there and stuff, know where to hide! And the North’s people couldn’t find them, ’cause they don’t live there! Duh!

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: Knowledge of the terrain didn’t prove a key advantage for the South and its wily commander, General Robert E. Lee.

[ dissolve to Damon Watson, an exotic dancer ]

Damon Watson: General Lee was nobody’s fool! I remember he said to the troops, “Boys, ask not what your country can do for you, ’cause the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. I have a dream!” So, when Limcoln heard that, he was, like, “I better hightail it to Charleston, ’cause it’s time for one of my Gettysburg addresses.”

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: In August 1863, Union guns opened fire, setting much of downtown Charleston ablaze.

[ dissolve to Craig Schenk, a sporting goods salesman ]

Craig Schenk: The North was shooting these guns, and.. taking people, and they were, like, “Let’s get it on!!” And the other guys were, like, “No way!!” It was sick! Then the North went.. [ motioning with his arms ] ..Wham! Wham! Wham!!

[ dissolve to James Barone ]

James Barone: And the number of casualties was staggering, right? But it was worse for the South, ’cause the North started getting help from these alien spaceships, right? And no martian’s gonna hold off against those space torpedos. Fuggidaboutit! Right? Ohhh!

[ dissolve back to Craig Schenk ]

Craig Schenk: Wham! Wham.. wham!! And then this southern plugged this Nazi guy in a headlock! And started pounding him! [ demonstrates ] Bam! Bam bam bam bam!!

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: General Lee’s battle-wary troops fought bravely.. but they were no for General Sherman’s neo-Nazi reserves.

[ cut to footage of a Nazi army casting “Heil!” to Hitler ]

These men fared even worse against the ray guns of the Martian flying saucers.

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles, with “Star Wars” music potted over ]

General Lee knew the end of Charleston was near.

[ dissolve to Eric Milligan, a highway worker ]

Eric Milligan: I like to eat the Charleston Chew candy bar. [ laughs ] See? Charleston Chew. [ holds up his chewy candy bar ] Like the battle of Charleston – same thing. That’s why I eat ’em! [ chews his Charleston Chew, with a smile ] Chewy.

[ dissolve back to Craig Schenk ]

Craig Schenk: [ still ] And then, finally, there was this one Southern guy left! And he was up against, like, 2,000 ninjas.. and he yells out, “Do ya feel lucky, punk?! Well, do ya?” And then, uh.. this Arab guy pulls Indy’s heart out of his chest and shows it to him! Right in his face! [ ] Ahh, swear to God!

[ dissolve to Rajneesh Singh, a crossing guard ]

Rajneesh Singh: General Lee was crazy. He fights like a woman! The South loses everything. Abraham Lincoln was a very smart man. He won the war and got on the five-dollar bill, like I would like to be someday!

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: General Lee’s longtime belief, that fighting like a woman would win him a place on the five-dollar bill, proved unfounded. The Confederacy’s days were numbered.

[ dissolve to Denise Tompkins ]

Denise Tompkins: I went to Myrtle Beach once – right? Which is right near Charleston. And I’m in the water, right? Looking at some guy, um.. when this huge wave hits me, and my bathing falls off and I’m standing there, my whole ass is hanging out! [ laughs about the incident ] And that was the end of that!

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: On April 9th, 1865.. General Robert E. Lee officially surrended to General Grant. But it wasn’t until May 27th, 1992, when a Myrtle Beach wave knocked Denise Tompkins’ bathing suit off, and her whole ass was hanging out, that the war between the States was officially brought to an end.

[ sweeping music ]

“Civil War Memories”. Ordinary Americans who never completed high school.. look back at the war between the States.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Funny Strange

Customer #1…..Janene Garafalo
Lyle…..Chris Elliot
Customer #2…..Kevin Nealon
Customer #3…..Chris Farley
Laslo…..Chris Elliot
…..Kevin Nealon
Kevin Nealon’s Twin…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on exterior, Funny Strange shop ]

[ dissolve to interior, as shopowner Lyle approaches a customer ]

Lyle: Hi! Can I help you?

Customer #1: Yeah, do you have any of that gag gum that squirts black goo in your mouth?

Lyle: Uh.. no.. no, we don’t sell any of that here.

Customer #1: [ protesting ] Yeah, but this is supposed to be a joke shop!

Lyle: No, no.. uh.. the name of this store is Funny Strange. We sell funny strange items. Like, uh.. well, like, this can of beer right here. [ laughs as he picks up the can ] Now, this can of beer has never been open.. but it’s completely empty! [ laughs at the joy of his work ] That’s funny! Funny strange.

Customer #1: Yeah, well.. do you know where I can get some of that goo gum?

Lyle: [ hesitant about losing another sale ] Yes.. there’s another store called.. Funny Ha Ha.

Customer #1: Okay, where’s that?

Lyle: Well.. you go out, you go south about half a block – it’s on your left, you can’t miss it.

Customer #1: Thanks! [ exits the shop ]

Lyle: Okay.. sure.. [ his disappoint difficult to hide ]

[ a Second Customer enters the shop, perking up Lyle ]

Lyle: Hi! Can I help you?

Customer #2: Yeah! I’m looking for a pair of those chattering teeth.

Lyle: Uh.. yes..

Customer #2: You know, you wind them up and they chatter and they hop around?

Lyle: Right. No, I know what you’re talking about.. Uh.. we don’t have those, but I.. I have something better – come over here. [ leads the way to an item he believes to be better than chattering teeth ] I have a fish with human teeth!

Customer #2: [ not sure how to react to such a strange, not particularly funny, item ] Aha.. you don’t have the chattering teeth? The kind you wind up and they hop up and down, you know..?

Lyle: Noo.. no. You see, the concept of this store is Funny Strange. We sell funny strange things.

Customer #2: [ understanding.. ] Ahh.. [ ..but still disappointed ] Then, wh-where could I get, uh.. buy a pair of these chattering teeth?

Lyle: Well, there’s a store called Funny Ha Ha.

Customer #2: Oh. Is that far from here?

Lyle: No, you just go out, uh.. south, about half a block – there’s a big clown in the window.. you can’t miss it..

Customer #2: [ laughing ] Clown in the window! That’s.. that’s funny!

Lyle: [ disappointed ] Yeah..

Customer #2: Okay, thanks! [ exits the shop ]

Lyle: Sure.

[ a third customer enters the shop ]

Lyle: Hi! Can I help you?

Customer #3: [ excited to be where he’s at ] Yeah! I’m looking for that, uh.. plastic puke! [ laughs at the excitement of buying some of it ]

Lyle: Uh-huh..

Customer #3: You know, the kind you put on the ground, and you pretend you just threw up! And people see the platic puke and think it’s real!

Lyle: I know, I know, I know.. I know what you’re talking about.. you know, I don’t have any of that – but the closest thing I have here, though, is this insect vomit. [ shows his customer the strange item ] If you want to look at it like that..

Customer #3: [ not what he wanted ] Uhh.. yeah. you don’t have any plastic puke, would you? With chunks in it?

Lyle: No. We.. only sell.. funny strange things in this store. You can look around.

Customer #3: Well.. plastic puke is pretty strange, if you aks me.

Lyle: Plastic puke is not strange.

Customer #3: Well, yes it is. I beg to differ.

Lyle: [ sighs ] Plastic puke is Funny Ha Ha – not Funny Strange.

Customer #3: [ confused ] Well, what’s Funny Strange, then?

Lyle: Well, my friend, I’ll show you! Funny Strange, right over here. [ leads his customer to a display ] It’s like, it’s.. it’s a two-headed lamb – it’s Funny Strange! Or, uh.. or, a birthmark that looks like Italy! [ laughs ] That’s.. that’s Funny Strange!

Customer #3: Ohhh. Then, you don’t have any plastic puke, then?

Lyle: [ hits his hand on the counter ] No! I have no plastic puke. I have no chattering teeth.. I have no pepper gum.. and I don’t have the famous Laugh Bag! Okay?

Customer #3: Okay. Do you know where I could, uh-

Lyle: [ exasperated ] Yeah, down the block – half a block on your left, big clown, can’t miss it.. that way!

[ Customer #3 exits the shop ]

Lyle: [ down on himself ] Sheesh! Another wonderful day in the store..

[ cut to the front door, as twin brother Laslo enters the shop ]

Laslo: Hello, Lyle. How’s business?

Lyle: If you’ve come to gloat.. get out!

Laslo: [ smarmy ] Oh, don’t be like that, Brother! I just stopped by to show you one of the items that’s selling like hotcakes down at my store! [ holds out a pair of Funny Ha Ha chattering teeth ] You know my store, don’t you? Funny.. Ha Ha!

Lyle: [ with clenched teeth ] I warn you, Laslo.. get out of my store.. I have no patience for you today..

Laslo: Why? Is it because, when you look at me, you see yourself – the success you might have been?

Lyle: Las-looo.. I warn you.. I warn you – get out, or I’ll-

Laslo: [ interrupting ] Or what, Lyle? You’ll go out of business? [ laughs hysterically ]

Lyle: Okay, that’s it.. that’s it! Mr. Funny HA HA!! That’s IT!!

[ a scuffle ensues, as Lyle kills his brother in a maniacal rage ]

[ the camera pans over to the chattering teeth bouncing across the counter ]

[ dissolve to Kevin Nealon, standing alone ]

Kevin Nealon: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. You may think the ending to this sketch was disturbing. But we prefer to think it was funny – funny strange.

Kevin Nealon’s Twin: You mean.. funny ha ha.

[ together, they both laugh at the inanity of the joke ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Roseanne

Roseanne: Hey, man! I’d like to thank my friends Green Day.. and Rip Taylorrrr!! Happy Chanukahhhhh!!

SNL Transcripts

Jesse Helms Press Conference

Sen. Jesse Helms..Mike Myers
Reporter #1…..Michael McKean
Reporter #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #3…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Next on C-Span, Sen. Jesse Helms holds a press conference, to explain threatening remarks he made last week about President Clinton.

Sen. Jesse Helms: Good afternoon, thank you all for coming. I just want to set a few things straight. First of all, it is true – I did tell a newspaper reporter, “If the President comes to North Carlina, he’d better bring a bodyguard.” Now, sooome people thought that was inappropriate, indicating that I’d like to see the President harmed. Well, if that were true, why did I tell him to bring a bodyguard?! It doesn’t make sense! If I wanted him harmed, I’d tell him not to bring a bodyguard! Unless you’re, you’re thinking I was using some kind of “reverse psychology”. But I don’t uuuuse “reverse psychology” – or do I? You don’t know what I’m thinking! Alright, let’s move on to some much more imoportant issues, such as my bill to replace Martin Luther King’s birthday with National tobacco Day. [ reporters start waving their hands and attracting Helms’ attention ] Yes?

Reporter #1: Senator Helms, do you intend to apologize personally to the President and Mrs. Clinton.

Sen. Jesse Helms: Well, let me just say a little something to Hillary Clinton: If the First-Lady comes to North Carolina, she should alos bring a bodyguard! She’s gonna need round-the-clock security protecting her be-hind. And I need not remind you, that is a pretty big be-hind! [ laughs ] Yes! Yes!

Reporter #2: Senator, how can you talk about our First Lady like that? She’s a wife and a mother!

Sen. Jesse Helms: Oh, she’s a mother, all right! [ chuckles ] And, I’ll tell you something, I’ve got some advice for that daughter of hers – Chelsea, don’t stand too close to Al Gore. He’s a marked man! and all I’m saying is: Accidents happen. Vice-Presidents get struck by lightning.. air conditioners fall onto Vice-Presidents’ heads.. Vice-Presidents get hit by poisonous blowdarts.. All I’m saying is “Watch it!” Okay? And that goes for the Gore girls, too! If I were the Gore girls, I’d have my brakes checked! You don’t want to be driving down a winding North Carolina road at night, and some other car starts banging into you and.. runs you off the road, and sends your car flying into some ditch.. It’s a crazy world out there, and nowhere’s crazier than North Carolina! [ reports clamor for Helms’ attention ] Yes! Yes!

Reporter #3: Senator, you’ve covered almost everyone in the White House except Socks the Cat! Do you plan to threaten her, too? [ laughs ]

Sen. Jesse Helms: Socks! I got a little piece of advice for you! Careful what you eat! Now, I’m not saying another word on the subject, except this – strictnine. Oh. And the best way to kill Socks the Cat? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Lock-Up with Bobby Blake

Guard…..Tim Meadows
Bobby Blake…..Laura Kightlinger
Tammy…..Ellen Cleghorne
Pauline…..Roseanne
Cheryl Houston…..Janeane Garofalo
…..Rip Taylor

Announcer: Live, from the Dansmore Correctional Facility, it’s “Lock-Up”! With Bobby Blake! And now, a woman who’s in fr manslaughter – ’cause she slaughtered a man – here’s Bobby Blake!

[ dissolve to Bobby Blake being led into Cellblock 6 by a prison guard ]

Guard: Alright, you’ve got ten minutes. [ Bobby throws her cigarette at the guard ] Make that five!

Bobby Blake: [ chuckles ] Get lost, screw! [ the Guard exits ] Hey, welcome to “Lock-Up”! I’m Bobby Blake. [ her audience claps ] So, what’s up in the news? Well, let’s see.. our good friend in Florida – Eileen Warnos – has been given two consecutive death sentences. [ laughs ] But, hopefully, with good behavior, she’ll get it down to one! [ her audience laughs with her ] I’m not making this stuff up, folks! [ turns to face Tammy ] Hey, Tammy? Play me over!

[ Tammy presses a button on a jukebox, playing Bobby over to her desk ]

Bobby Blake: Thanks, babe. Alllright.. now every now and then, we do a little thing called Funny Prison Items. Now, now.. these are actual items that have been confiscated by prison guards around the country! [ laughs ] Isn’t that right, Tammy?

Tammy: I told you – I don’t care!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Alright. Now.. the first item, was made out of a toothbrush. [ pulls the item out of a box and holds it up for the crowd ] It was filed down around the edges – now, it’s a knife! [ her audience laughs with her ] I’m not making this stuff up, folks! Okay, let’s see what else we have here. [ rummages through the box ] Oh. [ pulls out a second object ] It’s a license plate.. that’s been filed down to a knife. [ her audience laughs, as she rummages through the box ] Oh, here’s a good one. [ holds up the object ] Now, this is a knife made out of a file! Evidently, you need two files to get this thing! Isn’t that right, Tam!

Tammy: [ annoyed by the repeat routine ] How ’bout I come over there, and stick that thing in your head?!

[ audience oohs ]

Bobby Blake: [ blows it off ] Now.. uh.. now, this is interesting. [ holds up her next object ] This is a knife.. made from a law book, in a prison library. Did you see this, Tammy?

Tammy: [ a deeper scowl on her face ] I play for keeps!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Alright! [ rummages through the box again ] And, finally – I love this one.. [ holds up the object ] This is an item that is all the way from the Creedmore Insitute for the Criminally Insane, and it’s actually a knife.. made out of a gun! [ her audience shows their excitement. Yeah. I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks. [ puts the box away ] Alright.. let’s bring out our first guest. She’s doing a dime for armed robbery, and in addition to being a very talented tattoo artist, you may kbow her as the woman who owns me – please give a Cellblock 6 welcome to Pauline!

[ Pauline runs onto the set ]

Pauline: Thanks, guys! Yeah, Bobby’s doing a great job – before her, the only thing we had to watch was Cinemax and HBO, Pay-Per-View – which we never had to pay for – and Nickelodeon. Let’s hear it, she’s doing a great job! [ the crowd cheers ] She’s a beautiful woman! Look at that skin, huh? [ the crowd oohs and ahhs ] Stay AWAY from her, she’s MINE!!

Bobby Blake: [ blushing ] Okay, well.. it’s great to have you on the show, Pauline. Now, I understand you brought a clip?

Pauline: Yeah.

Bobby Blake: Now, would you like to set this up for us?

Pauline: Nah, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

[ dissolve to the black-and-white clip of Pauline robbing a bank ]

Pauline (on video): Alright, everybody, HIT the floor!! STAY (bleep!) I said “Hit the floor!” What, are you DEAF?! Give me the money, or your (bleep!)-ing brains will hit the floor before YOU do! [ runs in front of the security camera, and shoots at it with her gun, sending it into a snow signal ]

[ dissolve back to “Lock-Up”, the crowd applauding the clip ]

Bobby Blake: [ impressed ] Wow! Wow! That was great! Now, I always thought that.. doing a robbery would be about the hardest thing anybody could ever do! [ laughs] I get nervous just cashing a forged check! [ she and Pauline laugh ] Am I right, ladies? Ah.. [ to Pauline ] ..were you nervous?

Pauline: Ahhh.

Bobby Blake: Now, how did you feel when you got caught.

Pauline: Well, I felt pretty bad, but.. if I hadn’t got caught, I never would have met you, Honey Pot!

[ the crowd whoos ]

Bobby Blake: [ scared ] Oh, God! Please don’t hurt me tonight!

Pauline: Ah, you know you love it!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Okay, you big lug!

Pauline: You got my cigarettes?

Bobby Blake: No. But it’s funny you should mention that, because now it’s time to introduce a new segment on my show – Home Shopping with Cheryl Houston!

[ the crowd applauds Cheryl into the cellblock ]

Uh.. pleeease? Alright! Hey, so Cheryl, what haev you got for us today?

Cheryl Houston: Okay, the first thing I got is a lovely silver spoon ring – can we get a close-up of that?

[ cut to the close-up, as the crowd oohs ]

Bobby Blake: Okay, yeah!

Cheryl Houston: Yeah, this came from our own cafeteria, and, as you know, can be filed down into a knife.

Bobby Blake: God, it’s beautiful!

Cheryl Houston: Yeah.

Bobby Blake: Now, how much is that going for?

Cheryl Houston: Well, it’s gonna run you a pack of Marlboros.. or, about a pack-and-a-half of Luckys.

Bobby Blake: Uh-huh. That’s a bargain! What else you got?

Cheryl Houston: Okay, the next thing I got here.. I got a picture here of Lisa Mandell, convicted for insider trading, will soon to be transferred to a minimum security prison. So you’d better act fast, ’cause this baby’s goin’ quick.

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Well, she’s not gonna last long at those prices!

Cheryl Houston: A pack of Kools.

Bobby Blake: So, is that it?

Cheryl Houston: No, I got one more thing – don’t think I can show it here, though. It’s a vibrator that’s never been used.

[ the crowd voices their disagreement: “Yeah, right!” ]

Bobby Blake: [ laughing ] Alright, I believe that one! And I also believe that you didn’t toss your old man into the wood chipper!

[ the crowd oohs at the possibility of a fight ]

Cheryl Houston: Hey! Hey! One more CRACK outta YOU, and it’s GO TIME, my lady!!

[ Cheryl grabs Bobby by the neck, but Pauline intercedes ]

Bobby Blake: Whoa.. um.. okay! I guess some of us have never been on TV before. Right, Tam?

Tammy: [ pissed ] I told you – I play for keeps!

Pauline: [ walks over, curious ] Hey.. who’s that?

Bobby Blake: It’s Tammy..sh-she’s my sidekick.

Pauline: Yeahhh? Well, she is.. one chocolate goddess!

Bobby Blake: [ feeling threatened ] She’s not so great.

Tammy: You think so? You know, uh.. I bin thinkin’ ’bout you ever since you bit that guard! [ laughs ]

Pauline: Welll.. I thik me and Miss Tammy here are gonna have to blow off this Amateur Hour.

Bobby Blake: [ stammering ] Uh.. uh.. no, you’re n-not! That just about wraps it up, I’m.. [ Pauline and Tammy proceed to make out ] Hey, wait, come on! This is my show! Come on! I’m your wife!

Pauline: Yeah? Well, don’t wait up.

[ the crowd oohs ]

Bobby Blake: [ near tears ] Aw.. I guess we don’t have time for our third guest.. I’d like to apologize to Rip Taylor. We went a little long, I’m sorry, Rip-

[ Rip Taylor enters to huge applause ]

Rip Taylor: But it’s o-kay! Because I love this women’s prison!

[ Rip waves a bag of colored feathers over the heads of the female inmates, as the Guard attempts to restrain him ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Roseanne’s Monologue

…..Roseanne

Roseanne: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you so much! I love New York when it’s co-old! You can hardly smell the urine rom the subway! And if you step in dog crap, who cares, it’s FROZEN! Well, I just survived another heap of dog crap and lived through it! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah, people still ask me: “Hey, Roseanne, what about that three-way marriage thing?” And I would very well like to clear that up. I thought it was a joke. But.. that’s Hollywood for ya’. [ sarcastic ] And, boy, I love Hollywood – okay, I have a few problems with Hollywood. Like Heidi Fleiss. How can they prosecute anyone in Hollywood for prostitution? Everyone is a prostitute in Hollywood! [ audience applauds thunderously ] Oh, yeah, right – Heidi is guilty.. but O.J. will be home in time for CHRISTMAAAASSS!! You know, the only judge who could find O.J. innocent is Clarence Thomas. [ audience goes nuts at the thought ] And he already has a job.

So there’s just way too much hype in the news, and it just has all of you fooled. That’s why you have a Republican Congress now. [ audience applauds wildly ] ‘Cause y’all see Arnold Schwartzenegger standing next to a Republican candidate, so you go: “Well, the Terminator likes him – he must be storng on defense.” [ audience applauds wildly ] Wake UP! Don’t let show business elect your government, because everything in Hollywood is just a big, fat lie! Okay? Nobody is married because they’re in love with each other – the’re just married because it’s too expensive to get a divorce! [ light, confused laughter from the audience ] And all the guys who pretend to be these big family men – Heid Fleiss knows them. [ audience laughs ] And half of you movie stars in Hollywood – stop pretending that you’re faithful! And the other half – stop pretending that you’re not gay! [ audience applauds wildly ]

Yeah, I can already hear all the critics. [ mimicking a whiny critic ] “Well, if she hates Hollywood so much, why doesn’t she just leaaaave?” You know, I don’t hate all the critics – just you first-year penmanship students who always come out to critique the political content of my ass, okay? You just don’t GET IT.. and you NEVER will! [ light wild applause from the audience ] If you had any talent, you would go write that novel you’ve been talking about, instead of writing the Gossip column for People Magazine! [ audience applauds ] I mean, I hate that guy. He writes: “Well, Roseanne lives her life in the public eye..” Well, if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have a job! So get off my AAAAASSSSSS!! [ audience applauds wildly ]

Oh, and by the way, I’ve just been artificially inseminated. And I have sixteen babies inside of me! And that oughtta keep “Hard Copy” on forever! [ laughs ] And it was not painful, just so you know. It was just a little prick, kind of like having sex with Tom.. [ audience applauds wildly ] And it only took a minute! [ audience applauds wilder still ]

So, it’s gonna be a great show! So, stick around – Green Day is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… David Spade
Naomi Green … Janene Garofalo
… Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits atthe WU desk and organizes his sheaf of papers. Music.SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …

GATT passed in the senate this week, 76 forGATT and 24 no idea what the hell GATT is.… So that was a close one.

USAir is beginning a campaign to restore passengerconfidence. I think just two little words will dothat: “We’ve landed.” … [scatteredapplause]

Blimpies has started supplying subs for Delta Airlinesto serve on its flights. And, in return, Delta isgiving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in itsrestaurants. … [applause]

Standing outside a New York City courtroom this week,Paula Jones was berated by passing New Yorkers whocalled her names such as “slut” and “whore.” Observerssay the situation grew even worse when the crowdrealized who she was. … [cheers andapplause]

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. [waves]Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! …[cheers and applause mixed with a sort of “can’tbelieve he just said that” whoo-ing] Ahhhh, well -[David Spade, seated just off camera, says somethingquietly to Norm who responds:] I don’t know.

Norm MacDonald: Well, professional baseball andhockey are still on strike and here with a commentaryis David Spade! David. [Cheers and applause as we panover to Spade in suit and tie.]

David Spade: All right! Thank you, Norman. Iwanted to send a message to the players and owners andsay, Is it really worth it? Come on. Let’s put it inperspective, folks. These athletes better look downthe road a bit ‘cuz guess what?! Baseball’s theonly thing ya do! Huh? Yeah. What? Uh huh. … It’snot even a real job! Hi! …

Guys, you’ve got families to support so braceyourself. ‘Cuz if you stop playing, in about threeyears, you’ll be hearing stuff like: “Wow, you’re theCy Young winner. You must have a really strong arm.Okay, the jackhammer’s a little tricky so you gottastay on top of it.” … “No way! You’re a catcher?Wow, that’s perfect ‘cuz you might have to catchsomeone if they fall out of the Ferris wheel somake sure they … keep the – safety bardown.”

And hockey players – here’s another group of guys withskills that translate well into the real world. “Hey![snaps fingers] Quick! We need a doctor, anelectrician and a guy who can skate backwards! …Stat!”

See what’s happening here? It can be a rough ride. AndI can talk. I’ve been in a similar situation. Thissummer, I decided I was gonna go on strike here atSaturday Night Live if I didn’t get a big fat raise.I’m worth it!, I told myself. They oweme. Well, the president of NBC looked at me andsaid, “And you are…?” … [cheers and applause] So -I decided to come back – for the love of the game.And, uh –

Also, in the big picture, I’m lucky. Deep down, I knowit. And they know it. And all of, heh, you know it…. But, uh, you know, come on. Like I couldn’t bereplaced by any kid from “Saved By the Bell”?Let’s get serious. … Like Screech couldn’t stand onan airplane and say, “Buh-bye! Buh – bye. Buh – bye.Z-z-z. Buh-bye.” … [applause] Oh, yeah, it’s easierthan it looks. …

But, guys, I do feel sorry for ya. Ya haven’t beenable to play your road games so that means, for thelast eight months, you’ve had to have sex with yourown wives. Now nobody wants that. … [more “can’tbelieve he just said that” whoo-ing and applause -Spade turns briefly to Norm and raises his eyebrows insurprise – apparently, Norm gave him the line] So,take my advice: start negotiating and playball! Back to you, Norm. [cheers andapplause]

Norm MacDonald: Yeah!

David Spade: There ya go.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, David. DavidSpade.

David Spade: Thank you for that joke. [Normshakes Spade’s hand and Spade exits.]

Norm MacDonald: Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmerwas attacked and killed by another inmate this week.[cheers and applause] Just before the fight, Dahmerthreatened, “Hey, don’t mess with me, pal. I used toeat guys like you for breakfast!” …[applause]

And a, uh, a priest – a priest says that he got Dahmerto believe in God before he died. Asked if this wouldget Dahmer into Heaven, the priest said, uh, “No, butit was fun to make him think so.” …

And now, here with a commentary on the death ofJeffrey Dahmer, from the American Civil LibertiesUnion, Naomi Green. Naomi.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to humorless butpassionate civil rights advocate Naomi Green.]

Naomi Green: Thank you, Norm. Each week, inprisons around the country, serial killers are thevictims of vicious taunting, physical abuse, and evenmurder. Last week’s tragic death of Jeffrey Dahmer isonly the latest grim statistic. How many more JeffreyDahmers have to die … before we as a nation say,”Enough!” and start to commit the resources necessaryto protect these, our most vulnerable prison inmates?… Otherwise, are we to become a nation where all menare created equal except for serial killers?… And endowed with unalienable rights exceptfor cannibals? … And entitled to equal protectionunder the law except for necrophiliacs?! … Ihope not! In the days following Jeffrey Dahmer’sdeath, I’m sure we all asked ourselves the samequestion: why him? God, why Jeffrey Dahmer?!Should I have been there? Could I have done something?… But, as hard as it is to accept, the fact remains,nothing we can do now will bring Jeffrey Dahmer back.Though, maybe, if we learn from this tragedy, somegood can come of it. And, Jeffrey, if you’re out therewatching–

Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Naomi,I mean, wait a minute here. Let’s remember, I mean,this Dahmer guy, you know, he wasn’t a saint.

Naomi Green: Oh, really, Norm? You, as thearbiter of taste, the man who knows what good is, whois a better person than Jeffrey Dahmer?

Norm MacDonald: I don’t know, uh – John Elway….

Naomi Green: Is he, Norm? Is he?

Norm MacDonald: Look, no offense there, lady,but you’re really giving me the creeps, you know?…

Naomi Green: Am I, Norm? Am I?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Get out o’ here. NaomiGreen, ladies and gentleman. [Cheers and applause aswe cut back to Norm who tries to read the next newsitem only to be interrupted by a man’s hand reachinginto view to give Norm a news bulletin:]

And, in foreign news today, there’s, ah – oh – ah -This just in, ah – [reads the bulletin aloud] Denverpolice report that Broncos quarterback John Elway …has been taken into custody in connection with thedisappearances of more then a dozen local teenagers…. Well, I guess I owe Miss Green an apology.

[Cut wide to reveal Naomi Green still sitting besideNorm:]

Naomi Green: [arms folded] Do you, Norm? Doyou? …

Norm MacDonald: Get out o’ here, would ya?!Geez! [Cheers and applause as a smug Naomi Greenfinally exits – Norm mutters to himself before jumpinginto the next news item:]

Yippee! Jerry Rubin died last week! … Oh, I’m sorrythat should read, uh, “Yippie Jerry Rubin died lastweek.” … Sorry about that. I’m sorry. My mistakecompletely. Just – I didn’t read it right. …

And now, it’s time for Weekend Update’s movie reviews.This week, I saw “Interview with the Vampire.” Andhere’s – here’s my review, um: “Not gayenough!” … [some applause]

Last week, Queen Elizabeth won ten pounds in hercountry’s national lottery. However, she has no plansto quit her job as Queen of England. … Yeah,I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. You think Ididn’t know? …

A Brooklyn man crossing an expressway on Monday washit by at least ten cars. According to police, theman’s body was spread over a two block area. Policealso reported that various organs were flattened onthe road and that his spine had been ripped out of historso. The man is currently resting in stablecondition at St. Mary’s Hospital. …

The new ad campaign for Duracell batteries is alreadyhaving a dramatic effect. Over seventy percent ofconsumers say they now find the batteries, quote,”creepy and disturbing.” … [scatteredapplause]

Norm MacDonald: Tonight is the seventh night ofChanukah and here, to sing a Chanukah song, is – AdamSandler! [Cheers and applause as we pan over to AdamSandler and his trusty guitar]

Adam Sandler: [chuckles at Norm’s introductionand tells him:] That was cool! [to crowd] Thank you,thank you, thank you, thanks, thanks very much. Um,well, uh, w-when I was a kid, ah, th-th-th-this timeof year always – always made me feel a little left outbecause, uh, in school, there were so many Christmassongs, and all us Jewish kids had was the song”Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” and, uh … so, uh, Iwrote a brand new Chanukah song for you Jewish kids tosing and I hope you like it!

[plays guitar and sings]
Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Chanukah!
So much fun-ukah
To celebrate Chanukah!

[Cheers and applause, Sandler has to pause beforecontinuing:]

You – You don’t need “Deck the Halls”
Or “Jingle Bell Rock”
‘Cause you can spin a dreidel
With Captain Kirk and Mister Spock
(Both Jewish!)

Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Chanukah.
The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-a
Celebrates Chanukah.

O. J. Simpson —-
Not a Jew! …
But guess who is?
Hall of Famer Rod Carew!
(He – he converted. Ahem.)
We got Ann Landers
And her sister, Dear Abby;
Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish –
Not too shabby! …
Some people think
That Ebeneezer Scrooge is.
Well, he’s not, but guess who is?
All three Stooges! …

[More cheers and applause, Sandler says, “Oh,boy.”]

So – ho –
So many Jews are in
Show biz.
Tom Cruise isn’t
But I think his agent is! …

Tell your friend Veronica
It’s time to celebrate Chanukah;
I hope I get a harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah;
So drink your gin and tonic-a
But don’t smoke marijuana-kah;
If you really, really wanna-kah,
Have a happy, happy, happy, happyChanukah!

[Tremendous cheers and applause that continues to theend of the news]

Happy Chanukah, everybody! Thank you. [waves as wepull back to include Norm]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody!Yeah!

Adam Sandler: Thank you. [points to Norm]Norm!

Norm MacDonald: [impressed, either with Sandleror all the applause he’s generated] Oh, my God.[Sandler shakes his head and waves again] The GreatSandu! [straightens his disorganized sheaf ofpapers]

Adam Sandler: Oh, my!

Norm MacDonald: [points to Sandler] He’s a -he’s a fine-lookin’ Jew!

Adam Sandler: Right on!

Norm MacDonald: [waves] That’s all the news!Good night and good luck!

[Music. Sandler waves. Norm shakes hands with Sandlerand says something complimentary to him, then removesthe microphone from his necktie as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Bathroom Monkey

Woman…..Janene Garafalo

[ open on Woman giving product testimony from her couch ]

Woman: I had the bathroom from hell. [ laughs ] It was like everytime I cleaned it, ten minutes later it was dirty again! Then I heard about Bathroom Monkey. They said the Bathroom Monkey system would keep my entire bathroom clean for up to eight whole months. They were right.

[ real-life monkey air freshener demonstrates ]

The little monkey air freshener releases a clean and fresh scent, and it emits a piercing, ultra-high frequency shriek, scientifically designed to keep my Bathroom Monkey hard at work, 24 hours a day. Now my bathroom’s monkey clean and monkey fresh. And my bathroom monkey? He’s more than a bathroom cleanser. He’s a part of the family. [ Bathroom Monkey changes shower temperature level as Woman takes a shower ]

I don’t know where monkeys come from.. I don’t know how they reproduce.. I don’t know how they eat. But I do know one thing: they were born to clean bathrooms. And when it’s cleaning power is all used up.. [ she discards used Bathroom Monkey ] ..simply pick up another in any of three decorative colors: Red.. [ monkey in red diaper ] ..Blue.. [ monkey in blue diaper ] ..or Orangutan. [ SUPER: “Orangutan will not wear diaper” ] This little guy just started today, and, you know, I think my new Bathoom Monkey and I are gonna make a great team.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 3

94c: John Travolta / Seal

John Travolta’s Monologue

…..John Travolta

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — John Travolta!

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. Travolta blows a kiss to the audience. ]

John Travolta: I love you! I love you!!!

[ More cheers and applause from the audience. ]

John Travolta: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night for me, because almost 20 years ago tonight you allowed me into your living rooms with “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]

John Travolta: And at the same time that was happening, there was a wonderful new show that came on Saturday nights called “Saturday Night Live.” And since then, for, um… 20 years, I’ve been asked to do this show; they’ve had like 400 episodes and I’ve had like… 5,000 comebacks! And… and… here I am tonight. And I don’t know why I haven’t done the show. I… I… figured I was chicken or maybe I needed something to look forward to or maybe I need to promote my new movie “Pulp Fiction.”

[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]

John Travolta: But… uh… you know, tonight, because of this new role I have; I play a heroin addict, a murderer, a gangster — a charming fellow. You know… But I figured I wouldn’t refer to my old movie characters. Or films. Or TV series. Because, you know… I got a new film.

[ Travolta pulls out a comb and starts styling his hair as Danny Zukow from “Grease”. ]

John Travolta: I don’t got an ego where you have to refer to old movies or TV series. Why do that when you have a new movie like “Pulp Fiction”? It just doesn’t make sense. Gosh, it’s kind of breezy!

[ Travolta looks off of Home Base. ]

John Travolta: Can I borrow your hat?

[ A black, ten-gallon cowboy hat is tossed to him. ]

John Travolta: Oh, thank you.

[ Travolta puts on the hat. ]

John Travolta: Old films are old films and new films are new films, frankly. And… I… uh…

[ Travolta looks to front-row audience. ]

John Travolta: Is that a baby?

[ A woman’s cradling a newborn wrapped in blankets. ]

John Travolta: Can I see it?

[ The woman brings the baby onto Home Base. ]

John Travolta: Oh, how sweet!

[ Travolta holds the newborn, which starts to wail a little. ]

John Travolta: Oh, look who’s talking!

[ He hands the baby back to the mother and she takes her seat. Travolta takes off the cowboy hat and tosses it. ]

John Travolta: Thank you. It’s just crazy. It’s just fun to have a new film like “Pulp Fiction” and to forget about the old ones.

[ He peeks up to the ceiling. ]

John Travolta: Is that… A LIGHT!

[ A disco ball drops and Travolta strikes his famous Tony Monero pose from “Saturday Night Fever”. ]

John Travolta: Stay with us, ladies and gentlemen! We got Seal! We got John Travolta and he’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 22nd, 1994

Dana Carvey

Edie Brickell & Paul Simon

George Bush

Edie Brickell & Paul Simon, “Green”

A Message From the Former President of the United States

Former President Bush is supportive of Carvey hosting the show.

Dana Carvey’s Monologue

Former President Bush critiques Carvey’s impression of him.

Virtual-Reality Books

It’s like reading while wearing electronic equipment.

Court TV

Johnny Carson (Carvey) lends talk show gimmicks into O.J. Simpson trial.

Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, O.J. Simpson.

Ross Perot Greets Trick-or-Treaters

Ross Perot (Carvey) makes trick-or-treaters cry when they come to his door.

Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Al Franken reviews negative campaign ads.

Hans (Carvey) & Franz (Kevin Nealon) on the fate of SNL’s recurring characters.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Pepper Boy

Marco (Carvey) teaches Carlo (Adam Sandler) the art of the craft.

Work Excuses

Employee (Tim Meadows) makes horrifying excuses for his tardiness.

“Office Space”, Part 3

Milton’s storage office is bombed with bug spray.