Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.

Dr. McAndrews…..Julia Sweeney
Raymond…..Phil Hartman
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I……Kevin Nealon
Rudy…..Woody Harrelson
Dr. Griffin…..Ellen Cleghorne
Co-Ed…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on exterior, Oak Hills Women’s Health Clinic ]

[ dissolve to interior office, the room is in disarray with furniture and papers thrown everywhere, and the words “Baby Killers” spray-painted in red across the back wall ]

[ Dr. McAndrews and her personal secretary Raymond enter the room, amid crime investigators searching for clues and taking pictures ]

Dr. McAndrews: I just can’t believe this! They’ve vandalized our clinic again, they even destroyed our files! When will it stop?!

Raymond: I’m sorry, Catherine.. there’s so many narrow-minded, hateful people out there.

Dr. McAndrews: We can’t let them get away with this! We’ve gotta find these bastards, Ray, and put them behind bars!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: That’s what I’m here for, Ma’am. Gannon. P.I. P.I.

[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: Frank Gannon. P.I. P.I. Politically Incorrect Private Investigator.

[ return to full shot of the scene ]

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Ah, now let’s have a look at the damage.. [ looks around, taking notes ] Hmm.. ahh.. it’s terrible. Well, you’re lucky about one thing – at least whoever did his had the decency to leave the Baby Killer sign untouched.

Dr. McAndrews: Sign? What are you talking about, sign?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, your sign that says what you do here at the clinic. [ points to “Baby Killers” grafitti on the wall ]

Dr. McAndrews: That isn’t a sign! That’s a criminal act! An outrage!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, I admit that that.. “S” in “Killers” is a little crooked.. but, uh.. look – I’m not here to argue the asthetics of the sign. I’m here to solve a crime. Now, I was told to talk ot the Secretary.. [ checking his notes ] ..of the clinic’s governing board. So, uh.. if you could direct me to him, maybe we could get to the bottom of it.

Dr. McAndrews: I am the Secretary.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh, maybe I haven’t made myself clear. Ah, you see.. people often assume the word secretary to mean a girl – such as yourself – who answers the phone and takes dictation. It’s a common mistake. Ahh.. but in this case, what I mean by “secretary” is the man who asks as the executive.. or the administrator of the clinic.

Dr. McAndrews: I am Dr. McAndrews, the Secretary of the Clinic’s governing board, and this is my secretary – Raymond.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: [ pleased ] Ah, good! The man I want ot speak to! Now, Raymond-

[ Gannon’s assistant Rudy suddenly enters the office ]

Rudy: Sorry, I’m late, Gannon. I didn’t realize that when you got out of the car, I was supposed to get out and follow you in.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, don’t feel bad, Rudy, that’s a.. common rookie mistake. [ to Raymond ] This is, uh.. Rudy, my assistant.. [ to Rudy ] This is the Secretary of the clinic.

Raymond: Uh, I don’t think you understand.. Dr. McAndrews is in charge here. I am her secretary! I answer the phones!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, if you people would get your act together, maybe we can get this thing solved already! Let’s review, Woody.. alright.. let me tell you what we’ve got here. [ reads from his notes ] It appears that a mob of young black men, angry over the Rodney King verdict, looted the clinic and stole the files.

Rudy: A-ha.. but, Gannon, why would they steal the files of an abortion clinic?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now your inexperience is showing, Rudy. Obviously, they were looking for names and addresses of the loose owmen in the neighborhood.

Rudy: In order to impregnate them?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Bingo!

Dr. McAndrews: Are both of you insane?! Can’t you see that this is the work of a militant anti-aboryion group?!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Alright, doctor, if you know so much, tell me this: why would a mob of young black men join an anti-abortion group?

Dr. McAndrews: There were no black men!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Then, how do you explain the damage here to your clinic?

[ Dr. McAndrews throws her arms up in disgust ]

Rudy: It sounds like someone hasn’t been paying attention to the news lately.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Good point, Rudy.

[ Dr. Griffin enters, alarmed at the scene ]

Dr. Griffin: Catherine! I came down as soon as I heard! Oh, my God! This is awful..

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Whoa-oa-oa, hold on there, Miss. Would you please state your name?

Dr. Griffin: Um.. I’m Dr. Janice Griffin.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh.. oh, a doctor. So you have a PHd in African-American Studies? Or, perhaps, Jazz History?

Dr. Griffin: Excuse me, but I’m a board-certified gynecologist. A medical doctor.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, tell me, doctor.. do you have any young black men in your family that were angered over the Rodney King verdict?

Dr. Griffin: Of course! We were all angry. But why?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: I see. Rudy? Care to do the honors?

Rudy: [ as he handcuffs Dr. Griffin ] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney.. [ sounds fades out ]

[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: And now a scene from next week’s episode of “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.”

[ dissolve to Gannon taking notes while speaking with a distraught Co-Ed in her college dorm ]

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: And.. can you describe the man who tried to attack you?

Co-Ed: Describe him? I know his name.. I know where he lives!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Wait a minute.. you know this guy?

Co-Ed: Yes! I told you we were on a date!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now, why would you date an attempted rapist?

Co-Ed: You’re an idiot!!

[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: Next week on “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Goodnights

…..Woody Harrelson

Woody Harrelson: Thank you, everybody. I’d like to thank the cast and the crew of “Saturday Night Live”, and, of course, Vanessa and the band. Everybody take care!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Woody Harrelson’s Monologue

…..Woody Harrelson
…..G.E. Smith

Woody Harrelson: Thank you! Thank you! [ laughs ] Thank you very much, thank you! I’m.. I’m speechless! Alright, alright, thank you. Okay, that’s enough, thanks!

You know, it’s really good to be here tonight, you know, for the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. The show’s been on for 17 years – which is interesting, because 17 years ago today.. I was 13. Anyway, uh.. you know, I wrote a song for “Saturday Night Live” to thank then for the honor of letting me do the show, and for the pleasure they’ve given me over the years. Uh.. G.E.?

[ G.E. Smith steps forward to hand Harrelson a guitar ]

G.E. Smith: Here you go, buddy.

Woody Harrelson: Thank you, G.E.! Alright! [ sits on a stool, holding the guitar in his lap ] You know, a lot of hosts come out here, and they use this opportunity to talk about what they’re doing.. or promoting a movie, or.. you know, whatever. And I’m not saying those people are vain.. you know, but, sometimes, they get a little self-involved.. a little consumed with their success, you know, with the Hollywood lifestyle.. material stuff, you know? But I’m not about that. You know, my life is about entertaining people, about making people laugh, and that’s enough for me, alright?

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, just to be doing a show like “Cheers”.. which is considered one of the greatest shows in the history of television is plenty! Uh.. I don’t feel the need to have my ego stroked.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, for example: you know, I don’t know why actors are so infatuated with awards. I mean, you can go to my house in Beverly Hills, and you could search through after room after room after room after room.. and even check the guest house in the back, and you wouldn’t find.. my America Comedy Award or my Emmy for Best Supporting Actor. You know, it’s not like I put them up on my mantel. [ a beat ] They’re in my mountain home.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, a lot of people think, because “White Men Can’t Jump” was a box-office smash, that suddenly I’m gonna be less approachable. You know what I mean? There’s no way. I treat everyone.. like I want to be treated, and I insist.. that my bodyguards do the same.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar ]

So.. what I’m saying.. is.. it’s good to be on “Saturday Night Liive”.. it’s been on the air for 17 years, and it’s a television phenomenon.. I love these people, they’re almost like family.. and that’s why I wrote this song.

[ strums the guitar and sings ]

“It’s good to be on “Saturday Night Live”
It’s been on the air for 17 years, and it’s a television phenomenon.
I love these people, they’re almost like family
And that’s why I-I-I-I wrote this song.”

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, you people have impeccable taste! You know, that’s all I had time for, but, you know, I’m an artist, and you can’t force the creative process. You know, we’ve got a great show tonight – Vanessa Williams is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Bad Expectant Mother

Marcy…..Victoria Jackson
George…..Woody Harrellson
Steve…..Phil Hartman
…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The following dramatization contains situations which may be disturbing to some viewers. It is presented as a service to “Saturday Night Live”.

[ dissolve to George’s kitchen, as Steve and Marcy enter ]

Marcy: Hi, George!

George: Oh, hey! Steve! Marcy! Come on in! [ rubs Marcy’s belly with the same hand he holds a lit cigarette in ] Ohhhh, wow! Marcy, you’re really coming along! How much longer?

Marcy: Three weeks!

Steve: Uh.. could you please put out that cigarette, George?

Marcy: It’s okay, sweetie..

Steve: Well! It’s okay for us.. but it’s not okay for that little guy in there. He’s breathing the same air you’re breathing. Now, come on, I’m serious, please!

George: Alright.. sorry.. sorry.. sorry..

Marcy: You’ll have to excuse, Steve.. he’s kind of a fanatic about this.

Steve: Well, there’s nothing fanatic about wanting a healthy child. [ looks at his watch ] Oh, I’m gonna go pick up Molly at her play group.

Marcy: Honey, they’re not done until noon.

Steve: I knowww.. but the other parents come in early, and a lot of them have colds. You know. Anyway.. [ kisses Marcy ] Back soon.

Marcy: Bye, honey.

[ Steve exits through the back door, as Marcy sighs ]

George: Boy! Mr. Worrywart, huh?

Marcy: Yeah.. He won’t even let me drink coffee.

George: Well, that’s too bad. I was just having a little cup, myself – a little Irish coffee.

Marcy: Oh.. It smells really good!

George: Hey, actually, wouldn’t Irish coffee be okay? I mean, I think the alcohol and the caffeine will probably just cancel each other out!

Marcy: [ cheering up ] I never thought of that! I’ll bet you’re right!

George: Absolutely!

Marcy: Neat!

George: [ hands Marcy a cup of coffee, and pours in whiskey to the top ] There you go – to the tippy-top! Alright, don’t worry about it, it’s our little secret – I won’t tell Steve.

Marcy: Okay!

George: Okay.

Marcy: It seems a little cold, though. Could you warm it up in the microwave for me?

George: Well.. not unless you can help me fix it, you know? I’ve been trying to glue something back on in the back, but my finger won’t reach around..

Marcy: Oh.. oh.. I’ll give it a try! [ grabs the glue, the excitement showing in her eyes ] Airplane glue! [ gives it a hearty sniff ] I always love the smell of this! [ sniffs it again ] It makes me a little light-headed, though! Okay, let me see what I can do.

George: Alright. [ opens the microwave door, as Marcy leans in with her stomach fitting perfectly inside the microwave ] Listen, uh.. do you see the part back there?

Marcy: Yeah, uh.. [ the power begins to crackle in and out, most notably inside the microwave where Marcy’s stomach is ] Near the collar! I think I’ve got it!

George: Yeah! Yeah! You got it! The power’s back on! alright, thanks a lot!

Marcy: [ pulls her stomach out of the microwave ] Oh, good! I love to fix things, only Steve doesn’t let me do anything around the house any more..

George: Ah..

Marcy: [ notices a car battery sitting in the table ] What’s this?

George: Oh. This? Well, that’s my, uh.. my old car battery. I’ve been meaning to take it downstairs, but.. it’s pretty heavy, and my back’s been bothering me..

Marcy: [ excited ] I’ll take it down for you!

George: Oh, really? Well, that would.. that would be great! Are you sure you don’t mind?

Marcy: No! [ lifts the heavy battery against her stomach ] I haven’t really exercised for a really long time..!

George: Alright. Well, okay.. watch out, watch out.. the light’s broken down there.

Marcy: Okay. [ enters the basement, but can be heard taking a tumble down the stairs ]

George: Hey! Are you alright?

Marcy: [ casually re-enters the kitchen ] Yeah.. oh, yeah.. I think.. my stomach broke the fall..

[ dissolve to Jon Lovitz standing alone, dressed to the hilt in a black tuxedo ]

Jon Lovitz: Hello.. I’m Jon Lovitz. That was my mother, thirty years ago. Fortunately, in my case, everything turned out alright. I was lucky. But if you are an expectant mother or father, please.. be careful. [ a beat ] Oh! And don’t miss the “Please Watch The Jon Lovitz Special”! Tomorrow night, on FOX!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Sprockets

Dieter…..Mike Myers
Gregor Voss…..Woody Harrelson

Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter.

It has been a very busy week here in Berlin. Jourgen vonKeitel’s exhibit “Scabs On Canvas” opened at the Schussel Calle,the Gertrude Bromf troupe previewed their performance in wax at theTheater of Unhappiness, and the Berlin wall was dismantled. For themasses the wall’s collapse represents freedom and opportunity. Butfor me, it is a chance to meet the most brilliant counterculturalfilmmaker in the East, Gregor Voss. Seen here on East Germantelevision last year, Voss, the suppressed visionary whose filmsinclude “The Dead Coat”, “Irritant Number 4”, and “Here Child,Finish Your Nothing”, he entered the West three days ago, and hasagreed to appear on Sprockets and speak with me, his greatest fan.Please welcome Gregor Voss.

[ Gregor Voss steps out ]

Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets, Gregor Voss.

Gregor Voss: Whoo! Yah, is great to be here, Dieter.

Dieter: Gregor Voss, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation. Would you care to strike me?

Gregor Voss: This is fantastic I can’t believe I’m here! Hello West Berlin!Ich bin ein West Berliner!

Dieter: Tell me, in your film, Irritant Number 4, the only two images were a baby’s head and a toilet. Did you mean for me to scream?

Gregor Voss: Scream, ya, ya, ya. Look at this, look at this, Dieter, I’ve got great stuff here. Mountain Dew! A Remington Microscreen! They tell me it shaves as close as a blade.

Dieter: I see genius. By seemingly embracing the cliches of the West, he is underscoring its excruciating banality.

Gregor Voss: And look at this Dieter, it is a pie, but like no pie I have ever seen!

Dieter: Perfect. You are a master of, of exposing tedium. Let us look at a clip from one of your classic films.

[ the clip is played ]

Dieter: That film looks at me while I am naked and calls it’s friends.

Gregor Voss: Touchdown! Hey Dieter, I figured the trick, everytime when the ? moves to the middle you should run a sweep to the right, it always works..

Dieter: Your story has become tiresome.

Offstage Voice: Hey Gregor, when are you going to be done?

Gregor Voss: Hey, just a minute guys. Dieter, do you want to come along with us? We rented a LeBaron.

Dieter: Excuse me Gregor, but you have disturbed me almost to the point of insanity. There, I am insane now. Gregor, you were the greatest altar of emptiness, my personal ?. And now I watch you drink beer from a hat.

Gregor Voss: That’s easy for you to say Dieter, you grew up with this stuff.

Dieter: I would never drink from headgear.

Gregor Voss: Ohh, I don’t feel so good…

Dieter: Idiot.

Gregor Voss: I’m sorry, its just all that Mountain Dew, and then this pie..

Dieter: You may not touch my monkey. [In German]. You may not touch my monkey!

Gregor Voss: I’m going to be sick.

Dieter: Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. That’s all the time we have, until next time, auf Wiedersehen!

Gregor Voss: Dieter, we’re meeting some girls, we’re meeting some girls later, come on Dieter!

Submitted by: Betty Smith

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I wish scientists would come up with a way
to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head.
That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs,
but they wouldn’t eat so much.

SNL Transcripts

Colosseum Events Committee

Events Coordinator #1…..Phil Hartman
Events Coordinator #2…..Kevin Nealon
Events Coordinator #3…..Mike Myers

Events Coordinator #1: What about.. a guy on fire, versus a guy with a bucket of water?

Events Coordinator #2: [ thinking ] Well, I can see why the guy on fire would want to get the other guy’s water. But what’s the incentive for the guy with the water? I mean, what’s it it for him?

Events Coordinator #3: Yeah. I mean, why would he just dump out his water and run away?

Events Coordinator #1: Well, maybe because if he does, he gets executed, I don’t know! Help me! Look, all I know is, we gotta come up with some new ideas, or our heads are gonna end up stuck on stakes! The Emporer is sick of the same old Gladiator-with-Sowrd-and-Shield versus Gladiator-with-Trident-and-Net!

Events Coordinator #2: What about children fighting monkeys?

Events Coordinator #3: That’s not bad..

Events Coordinator #1: Forget it! People are not gonna stand for monkeys killing children!

Events Coordinator #2: Oh, but.. cute little monkeys?

Events Coordinator #1: What about a battle of amputees?

Events Coordinator #3: Oh, that’s good! That’s good!

Events Coordinator #2: Better yet – how about a battle of amoutees fighting each other with their amputated limbs?

Events Coordinator #1: Now we’re getting somewhere! Come on, we need more ideas, what else?

Events Coordinator #2: Hey! What if we crucify a bunch of guys in here, then we let in a bunch of beavers, and the first beaver to knock down a cross, that guy goes free!

Events Coordinator #1: Oh, boy.. that could take a long time.. the crowd could get bored..

Events Coordinator #3: Okay. Well, uh, maybe while the beavers are chewing, the crucified guys could shoot arrows at each other?

Events Coordinator #2: Or, better yet – shoot arrows at each other guy’s beaver!

Events Coordinator #1: Wait! They’re crucifued! How are they gonna shoot arrows?!

Events Coordinator #3: Well, uh.. maybe you just crucify them at the shoulder, you know? [ demonstrates an awkward shooting stance ]

Events Coordinator #1: Oh.. you know what? You know what? They already tried this in Pompei. The beavers didn’t chew down the crosses, they just went over in the corner and burrowed don under the retaininng wall, it was just disastrous..

Events Coordinator #2: Hey. What about, just tie and guy up and having him dragged around by a horse?

Events Coordinator #3: But, who does he fight?

Events Coordinator #2: He doesn’t fight anybody. Sometimes it’s just nice to see a guy dragged around behind a horse!

Events Coordinator #1: Come on, you guys! We need innovation here!

Events Coordinator #2: Well, you come up with something, then.

Events Coordinator #1: Okay.. [ thinking ] A guy.. on stilts.. with a ball of molten oetal.. fighting a guy.. with an umbrella and a hatchet?

Events Coordinator #2: No, no, it seems too busy, too busy..

Events Coordinator #3: Alright. What if one gladiator throws a really hard ball at another gladiator, and that second gladiator tries to hit the ball with a wooden club, and after he hits it, he tries to run around.. a series of.. bases?

Events Coordinator #2: Yeah. Yeah! And, if that guy hits the ball up into the stands, he could run all the way to the home base?

Events Coordinator #1: Hey? Could he be beaten as he runs around the bases? You know, like a gauntlet?

Events Coordinators #2 & #3: Yeah!! Yeah!!

Events Coordinator #1: But what happens when he gets to the home base?

Events Coordinator #3: He gets crucified!

Events Coordinator #1: Yes!! You guy,s I think we’ve got a winner here!

[ cut to the next big colosseum event, the crowd cheering wildly ]

[ show the three Events Coordinators with their heads stuck on stakes, as the crowd cheers, unable to get enough ]

SNL Transcripts

Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual

Lyle…..Dana Carvey
Buddy #1…..Chris Farley
Buddy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Buddy #3…..Phil Hartman
Lyle’s Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Lyle’s daughter Lisa…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Singing Telegram…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Lyle playing a game of poker with his buddies. ]

Buddy #1: [ leafing through Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue ] You know, I never get tired of looking at these women.

Lyle: Check out the ass on Page 47. You just want to eat it right off the page!

Buddy #1: [ checking the photo out ] Man! Look at Ashley Montana!

Lyle: Oh, tell me about it – Count Jugula! One of those is all I need!

Buddy #2: A woman so beautiful, it’s intimidating..

Lyle: Please! Give me five minutes alone with her, she’ll be screaming!

Buddy #3: Well, you can’t have Cindy Crawford – she’s married to Richard Gere.

Lyle: I heard he’s a flamer..

Lyle’s Wife: [ entering the room ] Hi, Honey, how’s the poker game?

Lyle: [ nervous, attempts to hide the swimsuit magazine ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ jumps up and kisses his wife] Hi, Honey. Love you! Fellows, time to go – game’s over! Let’s go! Clear out! Got the real thing right here!

[ Lyle’s buddies exit to the front door and say their goodnights ]

Lyle’s Wife: Honey, you didn’t have to rush them out.

Lyle: Well, I just.. I don’t know.. I just though tonight might be.. sort of special..! [ his wife smiles as the phone rings ] I’ll get it. You just get ready for tonight! [ Lyle’s wife walks up the stairs, as he hops excitedly across the room to answer the phone ] Hello? Yes, this is Lyle. Yes, I was at the parade. No, I wasn’t allowed to march. No, I just can’t understand it, either. Well, yes, I think a protest would be a good idea, because, I.. Cappucino?? Why do you want to meet me for cappucino? What is the name of your organization, young man? WHAT??!! Well, that is just INSANE!! Where on earth did you get that idea?! Listen, you little queen – don’t you call me again, or I swear I’ll break both your legs, and you’ll never march again! [ he slams the phone down ] Geez, what a sick, sick city!

Lyle’s Daughter: [ walking downstairs, depressed ] Hi, Dad.

Lyle: Hi, Lisa. How’s my little girl?

Lyle’s Daughter: I don’t know.. Dad? Can we talk? [ She and Lyle sit down next to one another ] Dad? When you were my age.. were you ver just.. so in love with a guy, you just couldn’t get him out of your head?

Lyle: [ confused ] What? Well, what do you mean, was I in love with a guy?

Lyle’s Daughter: Well, you know.. you just see his face everywhere, and.. no other guy matters, not even the captain of the football team.

Lyle: [ still greatly confused ] Look.. I’m sorry, but why are you asking me this?

Lyle’s Daughter: Well.. I don’t know.. I mean.. aren’t you gay?

Lyle: [ angry ] What??! Well, I don’t believe this! Where do thee people get this idea?! Listen! You’re lucky you’re a girl, or I would schmack your ass clear across this room!

Lyle’s Daughter: [ upset, runs back up the stairs ] Dad! I just wanted your advice!

Lyle: [ calling up the stairs ] Well.. next time, ask me about a carborator, or something! [ the doorbell rings, Lyle answers it ] Yes?

Singing Telegram: Hi. I have a singing telegramfor.. Mr. Billup?

Lyle: [ jumping up and down, clapping his hands ] That’s me! That’s me! Come in! [ Singing Telegram man enters, Lyle’s wife comes downstairs ]

Singing Telegram: [ singing ] Happy Birthday, Mr. Billup! Happy Birthday, Deeeaarr Lyle!

Lyle: [ to his wife ] You remembered!

Singing Telegram: [ still singing, wraps a scarf around Lyle’s neck ] It’s been a great yeeeaaarr, Mr. Billup! [ takes his shirt off ] And you’ve done iiittt in style! So, remember, Mr. Billup.. [ takes his pants off ] ‘Cause you’re a special kind of ma-a-a-nn!

Lyle: [ interrupting ] Hold it! Hold it! Stop it! Time out! This is disgusting!

Singing Telegram: Well, Sir, this is what was ordered!

Lyle: Well, I don’t think so!

Lyle’s Wife: Well, I thought you’d like it, Dear. I mean, after all, you’re gay!

Lyle: [ to the camera ] WHAAAATTTT???!!!

Jingle: He’d like us to say,
He’s straight, and not gay.
He’s Lyle the Effeminate Hetereosexual!

SNL Transcripts

Mary Stuart Masterson’s Monologue

…..Mary Stuart Masterson

Mary Stuart Masterson: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, most of you probably know me from the movies I’ve done – most recently, “Fried Green Tomatoes”. [ audience applauds ] Wow! You’ve sene it! Thank you!

And, if you didn’t see it, my character was a young woman who was tough, yet vulnerable. Of course, that’s basically how casting directors se me – the young women who’s tough, yet vulnerable.

But that’s not all I am. So tonight, I’ve decided to how you a different side of me – a side that is vulgar, yet stupid. 3! 4!

[ band plays, Mary opens her shirt and does a vulgar, yet stupid dance ]

Thanks! I really wish I hadn’t done that. Right now, I’m feeling pretty vulnerable.. but you know, I’m gonna be okay. You know why? Because I’m tough. And we’ve got a great show tonight. En Vogue is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop

Murdoch…..Phil Hartman
Lisa Pongrasic…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Kevin Hurley…..Chris Farley
Rodriguez…..Dana Carvey
Partner…..Chris Rock

[ open on interior, 91st Precinct, New York City ]

Murdoch: Pongrasic, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work! Oh, you got Torelli alright – sure, no question about that – but you also broke fifteen departmental regulations! Improper warrant, illegal searches, excessive use of force..! You put the guy in the hospital, for crying out loud!

Lisa Pongrasic: [ shown only from the neck up ] Look, Murdoch. Torelli was selling cocaine to schoolchildren, what am I supposed to do, give him a parking ticket?

Murdoch: I don’t understand you, Pongrasic. You’re the best cop I got! But I can’t keep saving your butt unless you learn to start playing by the book!

Lisa Pongrasic: You know what you can do with your book, Murdoch. [ stands, revealing herself to be very pregnant ] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go get a sonogram.

Announcer: “Lisa Piongrasic: Very regnant Undrcover Cop”.

[ SUPER: “Starring Megan Forrester, Kevin Riley as Kevin Hurley, with Preston Furman as Murdoch” ]

[ opening montage features Lisa handling a variety of police duties – climbing a chain-link fence, posing undercover as a prostitute, participating in a high-speed chase, throwing a bad guy over some garbage cans, and practicing self-defense training, getting hit head-on by a car, peeking out slowly from behind a wall on stakeout ]

Murdoch: Hold it, Pongrasic! [ stands, walks closer ] Before you get your sonogram, I think you oughtta know – I’m taking you off the Rodriguez case.

Lisa Pongrasic: What?!

Murdoch: You heard me!

Lisa Pongrasic: But I’m making the buy tonight! I’m meeting Rodrigeuz in an abandoned warehouse up in the South Bronx!

Murdoch: Pongrasic, what’s your due date?

Lisa Pongrasic: April 14th. Why?

Murdoch: Too close. Maybe I’m old-school, but I just don’t like the idea of an eight-and-a-half month pregnant cop on this case.

Lisa Pongrasic: Look, Murdoch! I’ve been on this case since my first trimester!

Murdoch: [ surrenders ] Alright. I might as well tell you. The reason I didn’t want you to meet Rodriguez is.. the guys and I were gonna throw you a surprise shower tonight. Well, the cat’s out of the bag. [ pulls a stuffed bear out of his file cabinet ] Here. It’s a Paddington Bear.

Lisa Pongrasic: Oh, that’s great..

Murdoch: What’s the matter? You already have one?

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah. But this is great! It’s always good to have an extra.

Murdoch: Oh. Well, anyway, about Rodriguez – be careful.

[ dissolve to Pongrasic sitting in a squad car with her paretner Kevin Hurley ]

Kevin Hurley: [ reading a baby care book ] Wow! It says here breastmilk is the perfect food. It says that the baby requires all the mother’s immunity the first three weeks it nurses. That’s really cool!

Lisa Pongrasic: Where the hell is Rodriguez?

Kevin Hurley: You know what sex the baby is?

Lisa Pongrasic: Shut up, Hurley! [ looks out the window ] There’s Rodriguez! Now, listen, Hurley.. you don’t come in unless there’s trouble, capiche?

Kevin Hurley: Yes, ma’am!

[ Lisa exits the vehicle ]

[ dissolve to warehouse interior, Rodriguez and Partner entering ]

Rodriguez: So, the young lady coming to make the buy tonight.. you check her out, man?

Partner: Yeah, she’s cool.

Rodriguez: How do you know she’s not a cop?

Partner: You ever see a cop with a belly out to here? [ indicates ]

Rodriguez: Yeah!

Partner: No, I mean a lady cop?

Rodriguez: [ laughs ]

[ Lisa Pongrasic enters the warehouse ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Good evening, gentlemen!

Rodriguez: Good evening, Miss Harrison. You brought the cash, did you not?

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s all here, Rodriguez. $1 million in fifties, just like you ordered.

Rodriguez: Nice.

Lisa Pongrasic: And now, Mr. Rodriguez, I believe you have something for me?

Rodriguez: Oh, Miss Harrison.. we have something.. for you. Look at that, man.. [ opens case ] Three kilos, the finest Peruvian flak, take a look, huh? We also have something else for you.

Lisa Pongrasic: Really?

Rodriguez: That’s right.

Lisa Pongrasic: Well.. I wasn’t expecting anything else..

Rodriguez: Oh, this is a surprise, isn’t it, G-Love?

Partner: Yeah! I know you’re not expecting this!

Rodriguez: You close your eyes, Miss Harrison.

Partner: Yeah, because we don’t want you to see what’s coming..

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah, but I.. I really don’t have time..

Rodriguez: Just shut up, and close your eyes!

[ listening from the car, Kevin gets worried, and bolts ]

Rodriguez: Okay. [ pulls out another Paddington Bear ] Open ’em up, look at that, huh? It’s a gift for the baby, look at that guy! This thing is called a Paddington Bear, okay? It’s got a little raincoat, a cute little hat, red boots, you know? I hollowed out the back, it’s a good place to hide the blow, okay!

Kevin Hurley: [ from outside the door ] Pongrasic, where are you?!!

Partner: She’s a cop!

[ Kevin enters, as a shootout breaks loose, sending him down to the floor with a bullet ]

Partner: You ready to die, Pig!

[ Pongrasic shoots Partner down ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Hold on, Hurley, I’m coming to get you! [ somersaults across the floor ] I’m out of bullets! Harley, where’s your gun!

Kevin Hurley: [ weeping ] I dropped it over there where I was shot at, I’m sorry, Pongrasic!

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s okay, Hurley, I got an idea! [ jumps aboard a forklift, driving into Rodriguez until he runs out of bullets; she tackles him to the ground ] Oh! And, by the way, Rodriguez, I already got a Paddington Bear! What I really need.. is a bassinet!

Announcer: Now, here’s a scene from our next episode..

Lisa Pongrasic: We don’t have much time.. my water just broke!

Announcer: Next week, on “Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop”.

SNL Transcripts