Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jon Lovitz

Music Intro: “When The Music’s Over”, The Doors.

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Congressman Richard Gephardt has posted a $5,000 reward for the return of his eyebrows, which he says he lost on the campaign trail. The reward is in cash, and no questions will be asked.

Republicans George Bush and Jack Kemp were the only two candidates in last night’s Dallas, Texas debate. The other two remaining presidential contenders, Pat Robertson and Bob Dole, decided to just slug it out in the ring, saying the public was tired of hearing words, and craved a little action.

The winner was expected to fight Dan Rather at Caeser’s Palace in November.

You know who this is? Unbelievable. This is George Bush, Jr. He’s really so much better looking than his father, isn’t he? I mean, like a million trillion times, really. I betcha the old man hates him!

Since Ricky Skaggs endorsed Pat Robertson, political experts point to Robertson’s incredible showing with the Skagg vote in Iowa.

At this point, I’d like to make a correction. Last week I referred to Gary Hart as a presidential hopeful. He is an ex-Senator.

After throwing his support behind Bob Dole’s candidacy last week, Al Haig has been showing up at Dole rallies stinking drunk, demanding a little pocket money.

Dennis Miller: Well, the Olympics are stirring up a lot of excitement, and our own Kevin Nealon just returned from Calgary, and is here now with a firsthand report. Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Thanks, Dennis. You know, it was really exciting, the Olympics. Now, I’m not an authority on the Winter Games, but just to be part of that whole, you know, environment was exhilirating. You know, even during the.. uh.. uh.. I want to say suppositories, but that, uh.. the preliminaries! Even during the preliminaries, it was exciting.

And Calgary is great, it was just jammed with people, too. I’m not a good judge on crowds, but I’d say there was.. 174 people there.. and, really, you couldn’t move! You know what I really liked, though, was the, uh.. the, uh.. I want to say breast-fed, but that’s not it.. uh.. the bobsled event. I was watching that, and those guys are crazy! They shoot down that thing! I’m not a good judge on speed, but they must be going at least.. 925 miles per hour. You know, they’re wearing those, uh.. I want to say Cocoa Puffs.. uh.. no.. helmets. They’re wearing helmets! And they’re going so fast, you know that even under those helmets their hair must be whiping back like crazy!

What scares me the most, though, is when the sled goes up on its side. It’s kind of like watching one of those, what do you call it.. I want to say lemon meringue.. catamaran! Like watching a catamaran. And you know what’s even crazier than the bobsled? I want to say luge.. but I don’t even think that’s a word!

Anyway, anyway.. as far as the United States winning some gold medals, all I can say is – it’s not over. There’s still a chance. It’s just like when Washington beat the Broncos in the Superbowl. you know, nobody thought that.. thought.. uh.. I’m not good with names.. I want to say Connie Chung, but she’s not, uh.. alright, just for the sake of finishing this, let’s just leave it at Connie Chung. nobody thought Connie Chung would be the first black quarterback to win a Superbowl. And, it’s the same thing with that Austrian.. uh.. Buddy Ebsen.. when he won the giant.. salmon.. four years ago, at the Winter Games in.. Sergio Leoni.

So there’s still hope. Back to you, Larry.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you. Kevin Nealon.

In a surprise vote last night, the Senate approved a third term for President Reagan. However, they cancelled his first two terms, declaring them absolutely worthless.

Judge Anthony Kennedy took his place on the Supreme Court bench on Thursday. After the administration of the oath, the judges retired to a private party in their chambers, where Kennedy learned the secret handshake, chugged a pint of slow gin, and made the traditional run around the Lincoln Memorial wearing nothing but his robe and a brassiere.

A rival ministry has accused Rev. Jimmy Swaggert of adultery, claiming to have pictures of Swaggert leaving a hotel room with a known prostitute. Naturally, a multi-millionaire dollar slander suit has been filed – by the prostitute.

Even though Austrian President Kurt Waldheim has vowed not to step down, his party is readying a replacement – Sgt. Heinz Schultz. When asked about Nazi atrocity, Schultz replied, “I know nuthing! I see nuthing!”Dennis Miller: [ grabs piece of paper handed to him ] This just in: “There’s nothing in this piece of paper in my hand. It is just a prop to make the news look more authentic.”

This week, President Reagan sent Congress next year’s budget proposals, totalling nearly $1.1 trillion. For further explanation, here is “Weekend Update” correspondent Jon Lovitz. Hello, Jon.

Jon Lovitz: Thank you, Dennis! The national budget is so complicated, you have to be a genius to understand it. You also have to be important, famous and successful. You say you’re none of these? Well, then, I have one piece of advice for you – Get to know me!Get to know my likes, my dislikes. What makes me tick? What makes me me? What’s my favorite color? Do I always come to life in the Spring? Get to know me!

Now, here’s a letter from a man who lives in Manhatten: “Dear Jon, before I got to know you, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I didn’t have a cent to my name. In fact, I didn’t have a name – I couldn’t afford one. And then I got to know you, and today they call me Donald Trump!” Get to know me!

What do I do in my spare time? Have I always had this much hair? Where is my secret freckle? Get to know me!

Now, here’s a letter from a woman who lives in Europe: “Dear Jon, before I got to know you, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I had bad teeth and couldn’t afford braces. And then one day, I got to know you. Well, I never got those braces, but today they call me Queen Elizabeth!” Get to know me!

Now, here’s a letter from someone who didn’t get to know me: “Dear Blank, I didn’t get to know you, signed Nobody.” Now, I know some of you are probably thinking, “What a jerk!” Congratulations! You’re getting to know me! So, remember, if you want to get to know me, get to know me!

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Jon. Thank you. Thank you, Jon. You know, the really sick thing is, I know where his secret freckle is.

Once again, director Steven Spielberg was spurned by the Academy Award nominations. This week, Spielberg enlisted the aid of a close friend and former employee to express his feelings to the Academy.

You know, Chevy Chase is hosting this year’s Academy Awards show. And they told me this was a dead-end job.

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 27th, 1988

Judge Reinhold

10,000 Maniacs

None

G.E. Smith

Tom Davis
Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary:

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Montage

Judge Reinhold’s MonologueSummary: Judge Reinhold whistles a cowboy tune.

Bio: Judge Reinhold (1957-). Actor; films include “Stripes” (1981), “Fast Times at Ridgement High” (1982), “Gremlins” (1984), “Beverly Hills Cop” (1984), “Beverly Hills Cop II” (1987), “Beverly Hills Cop III” (1994); Emmy-nominated for his guest role as the close-talker on a 1994 episode of “Seinfeld”.

Wilson Trap DoorsSummary: Sometimes trap doors prove unreliable and operate erratically. But Wilson Trap Doors guarantees their trap doors will operate efficiently every time.

Transcript

Church ChatSummary:

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jimmy Swaggert, Pat Robertson.

Deregulated AirlinesSummary: A passenger (Judge Reinhold) travels on an airplane filled with rats, crime, grafitti, and and a stewardess (Jan Hooks) who acts as hooker while serving beverages.

Transcript

10,000 Maniacs performs “Like the Weather”Bio: Alternative rock band fronted by Natalie Merchant, 1981-93; other members: Robert Buck, Steve Gustafson, Jerome Augustyniak, Dennis Drew.

Also Performed: 92e.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken’s one-man mobile uplink equipment is no match for an electrical storm in Florida. A. Whitney Brown’s Big Picture questions the presidential candidates’ potentials as effective liars.

Jorge Garcia, Nice Guy DictatorSummary: Not only is Jorge Garcia (Judge Reinhold) a ruthless dictator, he’s also a pretty nice guy. When a student protestor (Dana Carvey) throws a rock through his office window, Jorge makes him repair it immediately. When a newspaper reporter (Phil Hartman) prints a negative opinion, Jorge pulls his country’s advertisements from the newspaper.

The Cop & The ProstituteSummary: In this new sitcom from the fledgling Fox Network, a cop (Judge Reinhold) and a prostitute (Victoria Jackson) are an unlikely married couple providing viewers with laughs a-plenty!

When Great MindsSummary: Moderator (Jon Lovitz) heads a discussion panel with five of the greatest minds of all time – Galileo (Dana Carvey), Aristotle (Kevin Nealon), Joan of Arc (Nora Dunn), Jefferson Davis (Judge Reinhold), and Gengis Khan (Phil Hartman). The only problem is, none of them familiar with one another and they waste time making introductions.

10,000 Maniacs performs “What’s the Matter Here”

Pirate BirdsSummary: Two pirates (Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon) discuss birds that would be more unique to place upon their shoulders than parrots.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 13

87m: Judge Reinhold / 10,000 Maniacs

Deregulated Airlines

Passenger 1…..Judge Reinhold
Passenger 2…..Kevin Nealon
Stewardess…..Jan Hooks
Preacher…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on exterior, plane flying overhead ]

[ dissolve to interior of plane, which is overcrowded with passengers and looking rather unkempt ]

Passenger 1: Is it me, or is this plane really filthy? [ tries to brush dity off his shoulder ]

Passenger 2: That’s typical. This used to be a great airliner before deregulation. Then that big cocaine bust about a year ago. It really went downhill after that, it, uh.. it just hasn’t been the same.

[ a scalper walks down the aisle, reciting his rates as he passes people ]

Passenger 2: Cheap tickets, though.

Passenger 1: Yeah.

[ Stewardess appears from the cabin, and intercepts the scalper ]

Stewardess: Sir? Go on, sit down. [ he barely moves ] I told you – sit down. Go on. [ she runs him to his seat ]

Passenger 1: Well, at least more people can afford to fly these days.

Passenger 2: Yeah. [ turns his head ] See that lady back there with the two kids? With the laundry hanging over her seat?

Passenger 1: [ looks ] Yeah?

Passenger 2: I was talking to her – she lives here. She’s on welfare. The government pays for her to live here until some low-income housing opens up.

Passenger 1: [ becomes distracted by another sight ] Oh, my God! It’s a rat!

[ cut to a rat resting on another passenger’s meal tray ]

Passenger 1: Stewardess! Stewardess, look!! There’s a rat – there’s a rat eating that guy’s food!!

[ the Stewardess comes running forwardv to remedy the situation ]

Stewardess: Oh, I am so sorry! [ to the rat ] Shoo! Go on! Shoo! [ the rat disappears ] Here we go, I’m sorry. [ picks up the meal tray ] They sprayed the cargo hold yesterday, and all the rats and the roahes came up here. I am so sorry, I’ll make an announcement, okay? [ drops the meal tray onto the floor ]

Passenger 1: Unbelievable!

[ the Stewardess approaches the PA system up front ]

Stewardess: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, just a quick announcement before we begin our in-flight movie. I would like to call your attention to the rat traps that are being stuffed in each seat in front of you. [ passengers reachdown to pull out their rat traps ] Instructions are there, also – and, for each rat caught, you will get a free First Class upgrade. Our movie today is “Inside Annie Sprinkle”, and headphones are ninety-nine cents always. Also, if you’re alone, and plan on sleeping, we suggest you leave your overhead light on and check your valuables in the safe in the galley. Thank you!

Passenger 2: [ to Passenger 1 ] I’m gonna try making a call on the OTB phone, down by the restroom. Keep an eye on my bag, will you?

Passenger 1: Yeah, sure.

[ Passenger 2 walks to the back as Passenger 1 flips through his magazine ]

[ the Stewardess rolls a beverage cart down the aisle, stopping in front of Passenger 1 ]

Stewardess: Would you like a drink?

Passenger 1: Uh.. I’d like a glass of water, please.

Stewardess: Oh. I don’t think we have any. [ seductively ] Would you like to buy me a glass of champagne? [ grabs a champagne glass ] I love champagne.

Passenger 1: [ hesitantly ] Okay.. I guess.

Stewardess: You want one, too?

Passenger 1: Sure.

Stewardess: Atta boy! [ hands him a glass of champagne and sits down next to him ] So?

Passenger 1: [ sips ] Mmm. Good champagne.

Stewardess: Yeah. Do you like me?

Passenger 1: Sure.

Stewardess: Do you think I’m pretty?

Passenger 1: Sure.

Stewardess: [ puts her glass down ] Do you wnat me to be your girlfriend? I’ll do anything you want! [ rips her blouse open to reveal her bouncing breasts behind a black lace bra ]

Passenger 1: N-no thanks.

[ screeching sounds from under his seat ]

Passenger 1: Look! [ pulls up the trap ] Got one!

Stewardess: Oh! Oh, okay, I’ll take that. [ grabs the trap ] Thank you. Okay. [ puts the trap on the beverage cart ] Oh, and that’s gonna be twenty bucks for the champagne.

Passenger 1: What?! I’m not gonna pay twenty bucks for two glasses of champagne!

Stewardess: Look, it’s real champagne, dorkhead! That’s how much it costs!

Passenger 1: Well, look, I’ll give you ten, but I’m not gonna pay the rest! [ takes out his wallet ]

Stewardess: [ fastens her blouse and calls to the cabin ] Eddie!!!

[ a burly man appears, and stands over Passenger 1 ]

Passenger 1: [ frightened ] Okay, okay, okay – he-here’s twenty dollars! [ hands over the money ] But I’m gonna tell you – I’m never flying this airline again!

Eddie: Good!

[ Eddie and the Stewardess walks away, as a now-disheveled Passenger 2 returns to his seat ]

Passenger 2: They took my wallet! They took my wallet.

[ a preacher-type stands at the front of the cabin holding up a bullhorn and a Bible ]

Preacher: Good news! The gospel brings good news of God’s grace! It’s in John, Chapter 3, Verse 16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life –” ]

[ dissolve to exterior of plane ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 13

87m: Judge Reinhold / 10,000 Maniacs

Goodnights

…..Judge Reinhold

Judge Reinhold: [ still dressed as his pirate character, looks over at the parakeets on his shoulder ] Don’t you dare, don’t you dare! [ faces the camera ] I learned two things this week – the show really is live, and, second, that everybody really is terrific. There’s not a jerk in the bunch!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 13

87m: Judge Reinhold / 10,000 Maniacs

Wilson Trap Doors

Mr. Carruthers…..Jon Lovitz
Accountant…..Phil Hartman
Employee…..Dana Carvey
Salesman…..A. Whitney Brown
Detective…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Mr. Carruthers’ office, as his Accountant paces in front of the desk across a very obvious trap door ]

Announcer: Not all trap doors are created equally.

Accountant: Jerry, I was just looking over your financial report. And there are some very strange entries. I thought they might —

[ Mr. Carruthers hand reaches for a button below his desk that activates his trap door ]

Announcer: Some trap doors don’t respond fast enough.

[ the accountant continues to pace over the trap door, which fails to activate ]

Accountant: For instance – what is this Bahamas thing?

[ Mr. Carruthers repeatedly presses the button. As the accountant steps away from the trap door, it finally swings open. The accountant gives Mr. Carruthers a dirty look, as he smiles back meekly. ]

[ dissolve to second scenario – Mr. Carruthers standing behind his desk as he speaks on the phone ]

Mr. Carruthers: Yes. How about this weekend?

Announcer: Others don’t spring open cleanly.

[ an angry employee rushes through the door, clearly the husband of the woman Mr. Carruthers was speaking to on the phone ]

Employee #1: Jerry! I know about you and my wife!

[ Mr. Carruthers slams down the receiver and presses the trap door button. The trap door opens slowly under the employee’s feet. ]

Employee #1: Hey! Hey, what the heck’s going on?! What are you — ? Hey! Hey!

[ Mr. Carruthers kicks the employee down the rest of the way ]

[ dissolve to third scenario – Mr. Carruthers sitting at his desk as another employee enters ]

Announcer: Some aren’t even structurally sound to begin with.

Employee #2: Mr. Carruthers, I have this — [ he steps over trap door, which collapses from his weight ]

[ Mr. Carruthers pounds on his desk in frustration ]

[ dissolve to fourth scenario – a salesman showing a series of faucets to Mr. Carruthers ]

Announcer: And some are totally unpredictable.

Salesman: — I can give you an excellent price on —

[ Mr. Carruthers presses the trap door button, which opening trap door backwards, sending the salesman flying across the room. Mr. Carruthers again pounds his desk in the frustration, as the trap doors rock back and forth. ]

[ dissolve to Wilson Trap Door technicians installing one of their trap doors in Mr. Carruther’s office, as they explain the mechanisms to him ]

Announcer: But with Wilson Trap Doors, you get perfect droppage time after time, thanks to a patented dual-firing mechanism.

Mr. Carruthers: Fantastic. And it’s guaranteed?

Technician: Absolutely guaranteed.

[ dissolve to later, as a detective standing in front of Mr. Carruthers’ desk ]

Detective: Mr. Carruthers, I’d like to ask you to come downtown and answer a few questions. [ holds up his badge ]

[ Mr. Carruthers presses the trap door button, and the Detective drops down cleanly. Mr. Carruthers smiles. ]

[ dissolve to Wilson logo ]

Announcer: Wilson Trap Doors. Because with Wilson, it’s outta sight.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 23rd, 1988

Robin Williams

James Taylor

None

None
Pumping Up With Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Montage

Robin Williams’ MonologueFirst Hosted: 83l.

Transcript

CompulsionSummary: In a spoof of Calvin Klein perfume ads, an obsessive-compulsive woman (Jan Hooks) continuously cleans amidst her surroundings.

Note: Repeat from: 87d.

Birth Filming

Learning to FeelRecurring Characters: Denise Venetti.

James Taylor performs “Never Die Young”First Performed: 76a.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Robin’s 60th Birthday

James Taylor performs “Sweet Potato Pie”

The 8th Annual ACE Awards

James Taylor performs “Lonesome Road”

DiscoverRecurring Characters: Peter Graves.

Can’t Say “I Love You”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 9

87i: Robin Williams / James Taylor

Robin Williams’ Monologue

…..Robin Williams

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, RobinWilliams!

Robin Williams: [cheers and applause as Robinruns in and dances energetically] Thank you! Thankyou! It’s a privilege to be here in New York Citywhere its mayor– Doesn’t Mayor Koch sound a lot likeElmer Fudd or am I crazy? … [Elmer Fudd voice] Uhhh,I’m tewwing you, hahahahahaha, there is no cowwuption!Hahahaha! … [normal voice] It’s amazing, it’s beenan amazing year. Gary Hart has thrown his hat backinto the political ring. Actually, more than that –he’s thrown everything into the ring. … People lookat Gary and say, “Gary, you’re a sinner!” No, hewasn’t a sinner. He was on a boat, the boat wasrockin’, [rocking his hips back and forth] he went,”Hey, what the hell?” … [applause] Yes!

And, for as much as Gary has sinned, people in Francelook at him and go, [French accent] “What? Did hesleep with a chicken? No! … What eez the beegproblem there, huh?” If he gets elected, then–They’ll say [deep voice] “Now rise for the Presidentand his First Whatever.” … He walks out, there’s theFirst Lady goin’, “All right!” [walks like a chicken]… Pecking Raisia Gorbachev. [pecking like achicken]

We also had an amazing fight last night — Mike Tyson!Yes, indeed! [cheers and applause] Michael! Mike Tysonis a combination of Arnold Schwarzeneggar and MichaelJackson. … Yes. [as Mike Tyson] “I’m just gonna hurthim. His face was in the way, I was able to hit him.”Yes, he was there. But the funny thing about the fightis, if you notice, in the corner, all the attendantsare wearing rubber gloves! Why is that? [hands onhips, as a boxer] “It’s for safe boxing!” … Peoplegoing, like, [as a boxer] “Wait a minute, I’m not hereto make love with the man, I’m just gonna fightwith him!” Scary thing — you think, “Wait a minute,what’s goin’ on?” Is something going on in the clinchthat I don’t know about? Are they gettin’ together inthe clinch goin’ [as a boxer in a clinch, to hisopponent] “Why haven’t you called me?” [as thereferee] “Break!” [breaks the imaginary clinch, backsaway] …

It’s the Eighties! People are a little afraid. That’sright. That’s why everyone’s wearing rubber gloves.You go to your dentist — he comes to the door dressedin a wet suit going, [as dentist, with hands over hisface like diver’s mask] “Welcome!” … That’s right.You meet someone special, you say, [as a cautiousboyfriend] “Gosh, Helen, I care about you but — can Ihave some blood and urine so I can run some tests?”… Right, you’re going, “What am I gonna do?”

[points to man in crowd] Sir? Sir, do you have aprophylactic on you right now? Do you? You have thatlook like, “No, but I’ll– No, I don’t, I had itScotchguarded.” That’s okay. … And the one Jewishguy is going, “No, I had it upholstered. I feel somuch safer! … That way I don’t get any stains.” Youknow what I’m talking about! … You know what I’mtalking about when I say “prophylactic”? Yes! From theLatin word “prophylactorum,” meaning “strange partyfavor” — you know what I mean? … Yes! Yes, it ISthe Bathing Cap of Love! … Mmmm, people now go,”Yes! Carry ’em around, friends!” Because, you know,it comes along that time when you say you want to meetMiss Right or, at least, Miss Right Now! …And there you are together and you say, “Yes! Yes!”And I know you’re going, “Mm, baby! Yes!” And you’remaking love! And you go, “Hey, yes! Yes!” And you go,”Wait a minute! Time out! Let’s put on a balloon!” …

No, no! You have to put it–! I know most men aregoing, “Robin! I’m not putting that on! No! It takesthe sensitivity out! It’s like tap dancing in divingboots!” Okay! … It can be done! And I know some mengo, [as a tough guy] “Listen to me, man! I’m notputtin’ somethin’ on my Amazing Wonder Weasel makes itlook like a Hare Krishna!” … [cheers and applause,even from the SNL band] Put it on, baby! Put it on!

[to the band members] You know what I’m talking about![points to band members] Look at this here! Look atthat there! Even he’s carrying a prophylacticin his “safe sax,” you know what I’m saying?! … Yes,indeed! ‘Member in high school when you had theprophylactic, you had ’em on– [as high school boytrying to get condom on before erection disappears]”Ah! Oh! Too late, it’s over. I’m sorry.” … You haveto have some sort of way of doing it, you know?Because sometimes you feel like you’ve only got sixtyseconds. It’s like, “Okay, here we go!” You feel likethe plate spinner on the Sullivan show. [mimes puttingon condom while fingering a woman] Like, “Okay, honey,stay with me! Okay, stay–! Oh! Oh! Oh ho! Oh! Toolate! He’s gooooone!” … [sinks to the floor, as theWicked Witch of the West] “I’M MELTING! AHHHH! … YOUWERE TOO LATE! AHHHHH!” … But you have choices. Youdo. [cheers and applause]

Put it on! You can put it on! They’re there for yoursafety! You’ve got choices! You’ve got your plain oryour clear — if you wanna have the glass bottom boattour, that’s okay! … And if you like barbecue, theygot prophylactic with ribs! You know what I’m saying!… And if you like– If you’re in a party mood, theyhave the prophylactic or the “fiesta” condom so youcan turn your penis into a piñata! … There you are– beating it! If you hit– She has a little stick!She’s beating you for prizes! You know what I’msaying! … Yes, indeed!

Because what it comes down to, friends, is: theprophylactic is the feminist revenge for thediaphragm! You know what I’m saying! … Women knowwhat I’m saying! [cheers and applause] Women do! Thereyou are, you’re going, [as a man] “Honey, I just can’tkeep it on! I can’t–!” They’re going, [as skepticalwoman] “Right, right.” And I know — I know,sometimes, a few men, some — maybe like myself, Ihave to admit it — you put it on — and it falls off.Okay! … Maybe you have to use that thing that theytie off garbage bags and [mimes tying his condom onwith a garbage bag tie] keep it on there. … It’sokay. That’s what we’re talking about.

Because WHY are you wearing this? Why are you wearingthis prophylactic? Is it eventually gonna be so scarythat it’s gonna be, [as a man] “Helen? I’m in the airlock now!” … [as a woman] “Harry, leave the sperm ina dish! I’ll get it tomorrow!” … It’s like that.There are things out there that are scary! You knowwhat I’m talking about! It used to be herpes. Peoplegoing, [frightened] “Herpes!” Now people are goin’,like, [casually] “I’ve got herpes simplex!” “I’ve gotherpes complex!” “I’ve got herpes duplex!” No! Thatdoesn’t scare you any more! …

No! These diseases have been out there for a longtime! If you look at the history of them, they’ve beenthere for four thousand years! If you realize thatsyphilis came from sheep four thousand years ago–!Which makes you think four thousand years ago, therewas some shepherd that went, [as ancient shepherd, todeparting friends] “No, no. The rest of you go totown, I’ll be okay!” … [applause] What? And all thehealthy sheep are goin’ [as fleeing sheep] “I’m out o’here, man!” You know? … And there’s one sheep going,[coughs, points to himself] “Me?” [as the crazedshepherd] “Yeah!” No! And some people think that AIDSmight have come from a monkey in central Africaseventy years ago. Which makes you think that therewas some explorer, seventy years ago, went, [Britishaccent] “No, no. The rest of you go to town, I’ll beokay!” … The scary thought is that, right now,somewhere in the Midwest, there’s some little farm boygoin’ [deranged Midwestern accent] “I’m just goin’ togo clean the chicken coop, Daddy!” …

You’ve gotta realize that– You’ve gotta realize thatit’s out there! It’s scary but, hey! What are ya leftwith? If you don’t go out there and do what you do,what’re ya gonna do? Gonna be at home alone? You’regonna be at home alone, just sittin’ there with yourX-rated movie. Yes, I know. People who do it, singlepeople are goin’ “Yeah, Robin, I’ve rented CycleSluts from Hell. Okay.” … But why – why do theyalways have to be so BADLY ACTED?! Why? It’s alwayssomebody going [unenthusiastic porn actor] “Oh, yes.You know I want it. I’ve got it for you, baby.” …And there’s always some woman going [unenthusiasticporn actress touching breasts] “Oh, these are for you.Do me. Here we go. Oh, yes.” … She’s bored! Shelooks like she’s just out of it! Why CAN’T THEY HAVE[British accent] a classically trained Shakespeareanporno actor?! … A combination of Sir Laurence andHarry Reems! … Then you’ll have a movie! …Then, they’ll come out and go, [enthusiasticShakespearean porn actor] “Elizabeth! I will part youlike the Red Sea! … [cheers and applause] There wego! For this, I do cry now: I shall make you moremoist than Manila in the monsoon season! … I willdrive you thus and say WE HAVE ARRIVED! AND NOW, FORENGLAND, CRY ANON!”

We have a great show! We got James Taylor! Stay rightaround! [cheers and applause]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 30th, 1988

Carl Weathers

Robbie Robertson

None

None

Bob Odenkirk
BushWhacked!Recurring Characters: George Bush.

Montage

Carl Weathers’ MonologueBio: Carl Weathers (1948-). Actor; brief career as a linebacker with the Oakland Raiders, 1970-71; best remembered as Apollo Creed in the “Rocky” film series, 1976-85.

Cameos: 03b.

Handi-OffSummary: Office employee Sheila (Victoria Jackson) seeks a product that will resolve the problem she faces by having extra digits.

Note: Repeat from: 12/05/87.

The NFL Today

Democratic Debate ’88Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

Transcript

Mother-In-Law Shootout

Robbie Robertson performs “Testimony”Bio: Robbie Robertson (1943-). Musician; he was the primary songwriter for The Band, until their dissolution in 1978; began his solo career in 1987.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript

Actress & Pimp

Robbie Robertson performs “Somewhere Down The Crazy River”

Master Thespian Meets Ching ChangeRecurring Characters: Master Thespian, Ching Change.

“The Garden”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 10

87j: Carl Weathers / Robbie Robertson

Democratic Debate ’88

Pat Schroeder…..Nora Dunn
Gary Hart…..Dennis Miller
Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Al Gore…..Kevin Nealon
Jesse Jackson…..Carl Weathers
Paul Simon…..Al Franken
Bruce Babbitt…..Phil Hartman
Richard Gephardt…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: From the Failing Farmer Auditorium in Des Moines, Iowa, it’s the.. [ sigh ] ..43rd debate of the 1988 Democratic candidates for president, brought to you by the 6th grade class of Counsel Bluff Elementary School. And here’s tonight’s moderator, Colorado congresswoman Pat Schroeder.

Pat Schroeder: Thank you! I’m Pat Schroeder.. as you know, I was almost a candidate for President myself, and when I withdrew from the race, I cried. I would like to apolgize, and I would like to say, as a woman and a Democrat, I no longer respond to stressful situations that way. [ suddenly laughs hysterically ] Let’s meet our candidates, and please hold your applause until the end for Al Gore and Gary Hart, who are unpopular here in Iowa. [ pan to Michael Dukakis ] ..Massachusetts Governor, Michael Dukakis.. [ pan to Paul Simon ] ..Senator Paul Simon.. [ pan to Bruce Babbitt ] ..former Arizona Governor Bruce Babbitt.. [ pan to Richard Gephardt ] ..MissouriCongressman Richard Gephardt.. [ pan to Al Gore ] ..Senator Albert Gore, Jr., of Tennessee.. [ pan to Jesse Jackson ] ..the Reverand Jesse Jackson.. [ pan to Gary Hart ] ..and former Colorado Senator Gary Hart. We’ll begin with you, Senator Hart. Now, I’m not going to ask you about.. you know what.

Gary Hart: No. What?

Pat Schroeder: Well.. you know..

Gary Hart: You mean my new ideas?

Pat Schroeder: No.

Gary Hart: You mean my plan to revitalize the economy?

Pat Schroeder: No.

Gary Hart: Well, then, I.. I.. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Pat Schroeder: I’m talking about your dalliances with a Miami model, and your implausible response to the exposure, and your subsequent withdrawal from the race, and your recent re-entry.

Gary Hart: I cannot believe you brought that up! I admitted I made a mistake, and I’m not going to answer that question!

Pat Schroeder: Well.. [ starts to cry, but then breaks out intohysterical laughter ] Okay! Alright.. Now.. Governor Dukakis, your critics are doubting your ability to translate the Massachusetts Miracle to the rest of the nation. When you first came to Iowa, you suggested that the farmers try growing a different crop.. and you cited as your example, Belgian endive. Do you still feel that Belgian endive still is the answer to Iowa’s economy?

Michael Dukakis: Pat, each of us here tonight is asking for America’s leadership and trust, allowing us to lead the country. And I don’t think you can lead without a vision.. and I have a vision for America. I see purple mountains over Decchio; I see wooden valleys over Rugala; I see Escarol from sea to shining.. [ timer sounds ] ..sea. I know I’m running out of time, so let me conclude that with direction, purpose, a little oil and vinegar, and maybe some feta cheese, there is nothing we cannot do. Thank you.

Pat Schroeder: Now, Senator Gore, your wife Tipper has led the fight to censor offensive rock and roll lyrics and videos. At the same time, you have admitted that while you and Tipper were in college, you smoked pot. My question to you is: What on Earth were you listening to when you were smoking the marijuana?

Al Gore: [ tongue hanging out ] Uh.. Pink Floyd. I was wondering if I could use the rest of my time to express my views on arms control and stronger defense.

Pat Schroeder: I’m sorry, you will have to use your time to answer the question which is posed.

Al Gore: Okay. [ paused ] It was “Dark Side of the Moon”. And I’ve admitted to smoking pot, and a lot of people have made the same mistake, and will never, ever do it again.

Pat Schroeder: Uh.. Reverand Jackson..

Jesse Jackson: Yes, Pat.

Pat Schroeder: You’ve advocated huge cuts in defense spending – I admire that. But won’t that weaken us militarily?

Jesse Jackson: Well, Pat, we have a strong military defense. Wehave guided missiles, but misguided policies. We have minesweepers in the Persian Gulf, but there’s a great need for drugsweepers in the Gulf of Mexico. Economically, we must stop the process of merging, purging and submerging – merging corporations, purging works, submerging our economy. We have in this country welfare and tailcare, when we should have workfare and childcare. From the poorhouse to the courthouse, from the state house to the White House; if not now, when? If not me, who? If not.. I’m sorry, Pat, what was that question?

Pat Schroeder: Senator Simon.. why the bow tie?

Paul Simon: Pat.. my advisorrrs.. have been begging me for yearrrs.. to get rid of the bow tieee. But with Paul Simon, what you seeee is what you get.. and I’m not about to chage my bow tieee to please some media advisorrr. And sooo.. I wearrr.. the bow tieee. And I think the American people want a president who’s not afraid to say, “I am who I ammm.. bow tieee and all.” [ timer sounds ] Uh.. may I finish? [ Pat nods ] So that’s why I wearrr.. the bow tieee. Thank you.

Pat Schroeder: Thank you. Governor Babbitt, you have said that you would raise taxes in order to save the deficit. Isn’t that what we heard from Walter Mondale in 1984?

Bruce Babbitt: [ speedtalks ] Well, Pat, I think America’s ready for some honest talk! [ stands ] Now who else on this platform will say they’re willing to increase taxes to save this deficit! [ no one stands ] Okay, who here will stand up in favor of universal daycare! [ Simon and Jackson stand ] Alright, how about for the rights of homosexuals in the workplace, including the military! [ most of the candidates begin to stand, but then quickly take their seat as the question continues ] Alright, a manned mission to Mars, who’ll stand up for a manned mission to Mars! [ timer sounds ]

Pat Schroeder: Thank you, Governor. Now, on the Congressman Richard Gephardt. Your critics have called your trade bill “protectionist”. How do you respond to that?

Richard Gephardt: Well, Pat, I believe in fair trade, but I alsobelieve in fair trade. The bill I sponsored in Congress will..

[ as Gephardt speaks, the other candidates express their inner thoughtsto themselves ]

Jesse Jackson’s Thoughts: Boy, he’s not funky at all.

Al Gore’s Thoughts: I wonder if my hair’s out of place. It’s hanging right over my forehead. [ moves his hair ] There! Got it!

Gary Hart’s Thoughts: [ staring into the audience ] Oh, yeah! Third row, she’s a fox! Yeah.. you baby.. uh-huh..

Michael Dukakis’ Thoughts: Maybe I shouldn’t be President.. nah!Yeah, I should!

Paul Simon’s Thoughts: I think I scored biggg.. on the bow tieee..

Bruce Babbitt’s Thoughts: I wonder if I’m still in that room at the Holiday Inn, or if they switched me to the Ramada..

Pat Schroeders Thoughts: You’re doing great, if you can just keep from crying..

Richard Gephardt’s Thoughts: [ as he continues to speak ] Uh-oh.. I’m losing my concentrating, and I’m.. heading to the ceiling..

Richard Gephardt: ..and really, in closing, that’s what I thinkthat you seserve.

Pat Schroeder: Thank you, gentlemen. I’m sorry that we’re all out of time, because you all have to go to Davenport for the next Democratic debate. I’m Pat Schroeder, I’m honored to be here. I thank all of you for sharing your views. Goodnight!

Announcer: Now stay tuned for the 28th debate of the Republicancandidates, from Cap’s Oil Well Arena in Houston, Texas.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 10

87j: Carl Weathers / Robbie Robertson

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Victoria Jackson
…..A. Whitney Brown

Music Intro: “Phantom of the Opera”

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, The Phantom of the Update.

[ shows Dennis in darkness, wearing mask from “The Phantom of the Opera ]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you? [ lights go on, Dennis takes off his mask, organ music stops ] Nah, come on, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news wearing this thing, did you, huh? [ Dennis turns his face, revealing a scar under where the mask was ]

Okay, I’m sure by now that you’re all familiar with the Broadway show about a tormented madman who lurks beneath a Paris operahouse. I myself am more interested in a news show about tormented talkshow viewers who are tortured by a large talkative black woman five times a week. It’s called “Phantom of the Oprah”, and it opens with a national tour this spring.

Dennis Miller: [ shows his scar ] Come on now, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news with this thing, did you now? It’s just a fake scar, the makeup guy told me I could pull it right off.. [ pulls it off, with much difficulty ] That hurt! [ surprised ] That really hurt! [ holds up his arm ] Acting! [ audience applauds ] Oh, thank you for kinda liking that.

You know, the Soviet Union has just introduced two new breakfast cereals honoring its leader and first lady. They’re called Raisa Bran and Gorba Chex, and They will be on the U. S. market late summer.

Two brothers from New Jersey were kept from reporting a 1982 UFO encounter until yesterday. For fear that no one would believe him, they told reporters that they were beamed from inside their car to a sphere-shaped spacecraft. Once inside, they were probed with space needles, and forced to have sex with a woman that they can now positively identify as Jessica Hahn.

Dennis Miller: And now with a sociological introspective, here is news correspondant Victoria Jackson.

Victoria Jackson: Thank you. [ stands up ] “The Life of a Table” by Victoria Jackson.

[ forms a backbend on the Weekend Update desk, imitating a table ]

“The life of a table is not grand,
You place things on me when holding your hand.
Cold, hot, and wet things, smelly things and more.
I’m a useful convenience whose life is a bore.
I’ve got four legs.”

[lifts up her arms and legs, one at a time]

“There’s places that I want to go,
But I’m stiff as a board, so I travel too slow.”

[ moves around the desk, still backbended ]

“The life of a table is not so great, but I must say,
I’ve never known another life, so I guess mine is okay.”
Okay!

[ lifts up right leg, goes back down from the desk ]

Thank you.

Dennis Miller: Thanks, Victoria. Thank you. [ she exits ] You know, if we were married, I’d never leave the apartment.

Well, tomorrow is Super Bowl XXII, and if you’re asking me for a predicyion, I believe that Webster and Gary Coleman will marry the Landers sisters, and tour the country as a bizarre trapeze act.

Here’s an update on that Amtrak accident this week: Amtrak officials this time are blaming a disgruntled employee who evidently painted the opening of a tunnel on the side of a mountain. The accused switchman, one William M. Coyote, is still missing.

Dennis Miller: And now, here to set sail on the boundless ocean of ignorance and a lifeboat of oversimplification, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture.

A Whitney Brown: Thank you, Dennis. Well, this week the Big Picture is a bullet-popped fresco on a prison wall in Jerusalem. Arab against Jew is nothing new, I know, but this time at least, the Jews have the rules of the playground on their side. Scissors beat paper, rocks beat scissors, tanks beat rocks. And the Palestinians are as pissed off as pyromaniacs in a petrified forest. So, they’re throwing rocks. The Israelis can break hands all day long, but there’s always going to be more pitchers in the Palestinian Bullpen. I know, here in America we’re supposed to be on the side of the Israelis, because, you know, they owe us money. But, if they claim to be a free country, they oughtta act like one. You know, use firehoses and dogs like we did in Alambama. I understand Israel’s in a tough situation. They’re surrounded by sworn enemies, in fear of their lives, and as paranoid as pole-watchers in Haiti. Their country is smaller than Long Island and it has a lower percentage of Jews as well. But this racial hatred between Jews and Arabs seems a little confusing, because, they don’t seem all that different to the rest of the world. If it wasn’t for the Jews being right all the time, I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. On the other hand, I can see why Palestinians would have a beef. A bad attitude comes easy to a man who lives in a refugee camp in his own country. You know, this whole racism thing is.. almost sad, in a way, sort of, when you think about it. But the Israelis say this breaking of bones is nothing personal against Palestinians in general, it’s just an example of what they could do if they didn’t like them. They also say if somebody has a better idea or a better solution, they shouldn’t judge, so let me just throw this out. Crucifixtion. If you really want to set an example, it’s something that people really remember. And that, my friends, is a helpful suggestion from the muddy montage in history that makes up the Big Picture. Goodnight.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney.

Columbia Records made marketing history this week, when it released George Michaels’ latest album “Faith” on digital I.U.D.

And in Punxsutawnee, Pennsylvania this Tuesday, composer Andrew Lloyd Weber will come out of his hole, see his shadow, crawl back into his hole, and we won’t have to hear from him for another year.

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts