Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Gilda & Elliot I

….. Elliot Gould
….. Gilda Radner

[ As the audience applauds Elliot’s monologue, he unwraps a piece of gum and chews it. Gilda Radner walks on stage, clapping. ]

Elliot Gould: Hi Gilda, thanks for the gum.

Gilda Radner: Oh, you’re welcome…

Elliot Gould: You okay?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, Elliot. I just want to tell you that I had a wonderful time last night.

Elliot Gould: Aww…

Gilda Radner: Thank you.

Elliot Gould: Well, me too. I had a ball.

[ The audience laughs as Elliot glances towards them, grinning. ]

Gilda Radner – You know, um, uh…after you left my place this morning I was a little nervous about seeing you today. But I don’t feel guilty or anything, because I know I like you. And you said you like me, right?

Elliot Gould: Sure do.

Gilda Radner: What are you doing after the show?

Elliot Gould: Tonight?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Elliot Gould: Aw, Gilda, I’ve got to fly right back to California in the morning. So I’ve got to go back to my hotel, pack, and then I just thought I’d go to sleep.

[ Gilda is disappointed, and puts her hands on Elliot’s sides ]

Gilda Radner: Oh, okay. Uh, look, I’m a grown woman. I understand how things happen between people. And I just want you to know that I meant everything I said last night.

Elliot Gould: (pause) Me too.

Gilda Radner: (cheerfully) Really? Okay, bye.

[ Gilda kisses Elliot on the cheek and exits ]

Elliot Gould: We’ll be right back after this message.

[ Paul Shaffer plays a jaunty piano tune, and Elliot looks into the camera and does a goofy dance ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Gilda & Elliot II

….. Elliot Gould
….. Gilda Radner

[ FADE IN on Elliot standing at home base ]

Elliott Gould: And now, it is my pleasure…

[ Gilda enters and interrupts Elliot ]

Gilda Radner: Elliot? Elliot? Um, who’s Lydia?

Elliot Gould: Who?

Gilda Radner: Lydia. I was just passing by your dressing room…

Elliot Gould: Oh, yeah. She’s an old friend, an old friend of mine.

Gilda Radner: She’s very pretty.

Elliot Gould: (trying to get off the subject) Yeah, right.

Gilda Radner: What does she do?

Elliot Gould: She used to be a model.

Gilda Radner: Oh. Do you like her?

Elliot Gould: Well, she’s an old friend and whenever I’m passing through New York I always try to see her.

Gilda Radner: Okay. Um, I just want you to know that I meant everything I said last night. And I know that you know that you meant everything you said last night.

Elliot Gould: Well…I don’t know if I said anything. (to camera) And now, Anne Murray.

Gilda Radner: Who’s Anne Murray?

[ The audience applauds, and Elliot starts explaining inaudibly to Gilda who Anne Murray is ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Gilda & Elliot III

…..Gilda Radner
…..Elliot Gould
Mrs. Radner…..Paula Kahn

[ as everyone disperses the Killer Bees sketch, Gilda Radner approaches Elliot Gould ]

Gilda Radner: Um — Elliot? Do you have a few minutes? [ Elliot looks around, shrugs ] Just wait here, there’s somebody I want you to meet!

[ Gilda rushes to the set’s front door, admits an older woman onto the set ]

Gilda Radner: Um — Elliot? This is my mom. Mom, this is Elliot!

Mrs. Radner: Oh! I’m so glad to meet you!

Gilda Radner: How was yourr flight up, Mom?

Mrs. Radner: Oh, it was lovely, dear. We had dinner and drinks.

Gilda Radner: Oh! [ to Elliot ] Mom just flew in from Florida!

Elliot Gould: Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Radner.

Mrs. Radner: It’s lovely to meet you, and I love ALL your pictures. Everyone likes them, and Michael thinks you’re just —

Gilda Radner: Uh, Michael’s my brother. He saw “Getting Straight” about six times! He’s taking a later flight, you can meet him later.

Mrs. Radner: [ to Elliot ] I want to thank you — I want to thank you for being so lovely to my daughter. You’re just a doll!

Elliot Gould: Uhhh —

Mrs. Radner: It’s such a pleasure to meet you.

Elliot Gould: Well, uh — uh — you must be very proud of Gilda, she’s so talented, and she’s gonna be a big star from this show here.

Gilda Radner: Thanks! [ to her mom ] Okay, well, we’ll see you later.

Elliot Gould: Okay.

Mrs. Radner: [ to Elliot ] It was a pleasure.

Elliot Gould: Oh, yeah, yeah…

Mrs. Radner: From what Gilda tells me, we should be seeing a lot of each other!

Elliot Gould: Oh?

Gilda Radner: Okay! Come on, Mom! Good bye, Elliot! [ they step away ]

Elliot Gould: [ desperately, to the camera ] Could we go to a commercial, or something, now?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Gilda & Elliot IV

…..Gilda Radner
…..Elliot Gould

[ open on Elliot Gould at Hmoe Base, blowing bubble gum, as Gilda Radner appears in the background ]

Gilda Radner: Elliot? Um — can I talk to you for a second?

Elliot Gould: [ he nods] Go ahead.

Gilda Radner: Uh — I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve come to the decision, uh, that you and I could be very happy together. [ Elliot blows another bubble ] Now, uh — we’ve spent some time alone, and we like the same things, and we’re compatible, and my mom really likes you. Snd I know it won’t be easy because we both have our careers, and I know you’ve been married before… but — and egos, I know egos can suffer a lot when both people are in the same business, but… I just want you to know that, no matter how big I become, you’ll never come to the point where you’ll be known as “Mr. Gilda Radner”. [ Elliot nods ,then shakes her hand ] So, uh — I know I’m hitting you with a lot, but, uh, you just think about it, okay?

[ Elliot is speechless ]

Gilda Radner: [ to the audience ] And we’ll be right back!

Elliot Gould: [ leans in and whispers ] Gilda, I didn’t say anything…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

50’s Dance

Teen…..Lily Tomlin

[ open on teen dressed in poodle skirt standing around at high school dance in the 50’s ]

Teen: [ speaking to an off-screen friend ] Geez, Margo.. I don’t think none of the cats is gonna ask us to dance. Wanna you and I dance? Let’s wait for a good beat.

Oh, kid, I almost killed myself, I swear to God! I went over to Patty’s last night; she bleached her bangs, looks tough. Her ol’ lady don’t feature it, Margo, but that ain’t the cool part. I copped a look at Patty’s dairy.. you know what? [ makes sure no one is looking ] She made out.. [ makes sureno one is looking ] ..with Richie Vonatelli on the first date – no lie. Sure, where you think she got that big hickey? Plus, Margo, that ain’t all Patty. [ chuckles ] I seen her bra! It was layin’ right on the bed – honest to God, there was tissues in it. Yeah.. Flatty Patty. Yeah, I wonder if Richie’d give her his I.D. bracelet he knew she was made out of Kleenex? You know we should do – arrggh!! We should! We should! We should tell all the guys to sneeze when they see her! That would be so bad! This is a great tune. Why don’t you and I dance?

I almost didn’t get out of the house tonight, no lie. Ah, my old man, he’s all shook up. Just on account I got 8 U’s on my report card. Hey, Margo.. how ’bout Frankie? You didn’t hear? Margo, where are you? Frankie smashed Mr. Gilman right in the mouth during Metal Shop! Yeah, they’re kickin’ him outta school for a week. Frankie’s so cool. He don’t care. Gives him time to soup up his Chevy. Honest to God, Margo, you should see that car. That car is so cherry. It’s chopped, it’s channeled, it’s got this real cool horn, you know, you squeez it, it goes Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Oo-oo-oo-ga!! So what are you lookin’ at?! so why don’t you take a picture, it lasts longer!

I can’t stand her. Oh, she’s on the Honor Roll. Yeah, I shoulda.. I shoulda flipped her the bird! Anyways.. forget her, Margo. I said, forget her! Anyways, this is so cool.

So Frankie was laying rubber in front of the bowling alley, and there was some punk there, from the Heights, you know? Kept yelling Frankie’s name: “Heeeey! Frank-ieeee!! So, Frankie yells back, “That’s my name! Don’t wear it out!” It really shot the punk down! Then, the next thing you know, this stud wants to grab Frankie for pinks.. so Frankie tells the creep, he says, “Dry up and fa-loat away!” And, honest to God, Margo, just as we’re peelin’ out, Frankie shoots the guy a couple of real loud ones! [ sticks hand under armpit to demonstrate ] I ain’t lyin’, Margo – Frankie’s got a great personality. Wait, I gotta show you the picture he gave me for my wallet.. [ reaches in purse and pulls out a photograph she conceals from others in attendance ] Don’t he look tough? That cigarette behind his ear.. this guy’s the most. Look, is that cute? There, that big green spot – that’s where he usually has his crucifix. [ puts photograph back in purse ]

[ looking about the gym ] Margo! There he is! I’m gonna have a heart attack! I swear to God, I’m gonna have a heart attack! Margo, he’s so choice! Promise me you won’t leave, Margo! Look at his white socks! Wih his powder blue two button roll-ups! Whatever you do, promise me you won’t leave me, ’cause I swear to God I’m gonna fall down and have a heart attack right over here! [ panicking ] He’s coming right over here.. [ plays it cool, watching ] Yeahhh.. he’s coming right over here.. [ plays like she’s not interested, watches as he passes by her ] No he ain’t, Margo? What’s he doing? Come on, honest to God, I ain’t lookin’, what’s he doing! [ looks, catches her breath ] He’s dancin’, ain’t he, Margo? Come on, honest to God, he’s dancin’? With Francine Puli? I’m gonna have a breakdown, Margo.. I swear to God, I’m gonna have a breakdown right here. Promise you won’t leave me. Let’s go to the john. I gotta have a ciggy butt. Oh, what do I care? That creep?! She washes her gym suit every week.

[ exits stage ]

[fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Edith Ann Film

Edith Ann…..Lily Tomlin

[ begin “Edith Ann” film, showing tiny Edith Ann tying her ice skates from atop a giant bench inside the ice skating rink; she is dressed in a bundle of warm winter clothing. ]

Edith Ann V/O: Hello. My name is Edith Ann, and I’m five-and-a-half years old. Mama says you got to bundle up, so you do not catch a common cold. I have two-and-a-half pairs of socks on; my right foot is colder than my left.

[ Edith Ann clims down the bench, flailing her arms wildly ]

There I go. It’s okay, I’m just flexing. Ice skating is not so difficult. It’s just like roller skating. Ice skating is like making angels in the snow, only standing up.

[ camera pans out, revealing Edith Ann’s dog sitting still behind the bench ]

That’s Buster. He’s not allowed on the ice, so I pasted his paws to the floor. One time, he went skating wih me, and he turned his ankle; I had to bring him home in a shopping bag.

[ Edith Ann begins to skate on the ice, though at an extremely slow, awkward pace ]

You need very strong ankles to ice skate. I must do some ankle exercises. [ falls down; camera loops it three times ] Hey.. hey! It doesn’t really hurt when I fall down, ’cause I put some pot holders in my pants. And, anyways, I meant to do that – and that’s the truth. [ blows a raspberry ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

A Message From President Ford

President Gerald Ford…..Chevy Chase

[ open on image of “The Unofficial Seal, United States of America” ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Ford sitting at his desk; glass of water, and red and black phones sit atop his desk ]

[ SUPER: “This is not a good impression of Gerald Ford” ]

[ SUPER: “But Rich Little won’t work for scale” ]

President Gerald Ford: My fellow Americans.. I’ve called upon the networks tonight to make two pressing issues clear to the American public. [ sneezes into his tie ] #1: The possible default of New york City.. and #1: My stand on the Ronald Reagan announcement. [ red phone rings; Ford picks up the glass of water, splashing water all over his suit ] Hello! [ red phone keeps ringing ] Hello?! Hello, Nessen! I can’t hear you! What, are you in the pool? [ red phone still ringing ] Uh, I guess the other phone’s ringing, I don’t know. Alright. [ hangs up glass, allowing the red phone to continue ringing ]

Firstly, the default of New York City. Let me be clear on my feelings about this. As President, I will change my mind wherever I want. [ finally answers red phone ] Hello. Hotline. Anwar, uh.. just a second.. I’m on the air right now, I’ll get you Kissinger, alright? [ picks up black phone, dials Kissinger ] Hank? Can you call to talk to Sadat for a minute? Thank you. [ holds the two phones to one another, then drops them on the desk ]

The point is: Do I really know what the issue is? Relevent? Irrelevent? Fault? Default? These are just hard words. [ black phone starts buzzing; Ford picks up black headset ] Yes, Hank? Alright, I’ll talk to Anwar. Alright, alright.. [ hangs up black headset on red phone, then answers red headset ] Anwar! Hello? [ jiggles with hang-up button ] Hello?! [ hangs up red headset on black phone ] The Bayall Bill before the House of Representatives does not.. address.. the current situation! And I would veto it! The current situation being that, the longer I hold out on New York, the better chances I have with those conservative Republicans who might otherwise support Ronald Reagan! Pretty smart, eh?

Which brings me to my first point. Let’s take a look at the recent popularity polls, shall we? [ smacks his head on the desk top ] Whoops! [ stands and walks over to polls staked on easel ] Now, as we can see, the.. Ford popularity is.. [ lifts poll, turns it sideways ] ..certainly on a sharp rise here.. Whereas, the.. [ flips card, accidentally smacks it across the desk, as he follows and tumbles over it onto the floor ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Male Sexual Harassment

Written by: Rosie Shuster & Anne Beatts

Forewoman…..Lily Tomlin
Danny…..Dan Aykroyd
Jane…..Jane Curtin
Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Laraine…..Laraine Newman

[ open on interior, classroom, as construction forewoman demonstrates a lesson with a hydraulic drill; female students are dressed in hardhats and jumpers. ]

Forewoman: Well.. that’s how the hydraulic drill works. Now that you’ve got the technical stuff under your belt, I think it’s time ya got some moxie – what I call “Streetside Savvy.” Now, here are a few choice facial expressions – you know, for when you’re not on the cinstruction site – and the noises that go with ’em. For instance: “Hey, ay ay ay! Chicky chicky chicky chicky chicky! Hey, ay ay ay!” [ purses her lips and signals with fingers ] And, this is a killer.. [ does the fish lips ] Yeah, it drives men crazy! Okay, now Exchange Student Danny, over here – hey, you!

[ Exchange Student Danny steps over ]

Forewoman: He has kindly offered to aid us in our live demonstration. Jane! Up here! [ Jane steps forward and sits beside Forwoman on the mock girder ] Now, uh, when a cutie pie walks by.. [ to Danny ] I want you to strut your stuff, honey. [ to the girls ] When a cutie pie walks by, here’s how you break the ice: [ as Danny struts past ] “Hey, hey, hey! Beefcakes! Beefcakes! Yeah! You! Come up here, baby! Do some squat jumps on dis girder!” Okay, I think I got him warmed up – you take over! Hey, hey, wait a second.. permit me, sweetheart.. [ removes Danny’s coat from his shoulders, allowing him to flex his muscles ]

Jane: Hey, hey, dreamboat.. what’s da matter? A.. smile isn’t gonna cost ya anything..

Forewoman: No, no, no.. No, you shoulda had that memorized, Jane, you shoulda had that memorized. Okay, class, let’s have a little participation. Here’s where your buddy support comes in handy. You take it again, Jane, strut your stuff there!

Jane: Hey, Studmuffins.. wanna make bouncy-bouncy?

Forewoman: Come on, kids, let’s have it! Come on, let’s have it! No, let’s have some participation, some buddy support!

Gilda: [ eager ] Oh, alright! [ whistles at Danny ]

Forewoman: That’s good. Hey, “Hoo-hah, hoo-hah!” [ whistles at Danny ] Get a load of that! Whoo-hoo! I wouldn’t throw him out of bed! Hey hey hey! Okay, hey, Gilda, come on up! Come up up! [ Gilda approaches Danny ] Hey, honey, sweetheart, hey you! Strut your stuff in front of Gilda! [ Danny mercilessly struts ] That’s it, sweetheart! do it!

Gilda: Voom, va-va-voom! Voom, va-va voom! Voom, va-va voom!

Forewoman: A real, real nice selection, Gilda! A real nice selection! Honey, come on, keep it up, let’s go!

Gilda: Uh.. hey! Joy Chunks! No, you! Hey! You dropped something! [ Danny bends over ] no, just fooling! you look like my ex-husband! [ laughs sadistically; Jane whistles ] Uh.. I don’t think he likes this..

Forewoman: No, no, no.. hey.

Danny: Can I put on my coat now, please?

Forewoman: May I put on my coat, please? No! Okay, class, hey! You all saw how Danny here, uh.. he’s reacting like he’s insulted? It’s all an act, believe me. Trust me, Gilda – he loves it. Every minute of it, he loves it

Laraine: Yeah. When you stop whistling, they sure do start gettin’ nervous!

Gilda: Okay, I’ll try it! Hey hey hey hey, come on, baby!

Danny: I’m not your baby!

Forewoman: Hey, hey, check this! Hey, hey, check this! Hey, hey, hey, hey! [ to class ] This is what you call your re-par-tee! Now, when you get your example of your re-par-tee, I mean, if you’re a hardhat who’s done her homework, you’re gonna have a battery of witty-cisms and bons mots. Okay?

Laraine: Heeeeyy, Crazy Pecs! Where’d you get those pecs, why don’t ya flex ’em for me, Butch? Yeah, give me a cheap thrill, uh.. how would ya like a staple in your navel?

Danny: Okay, just hold on a minute! What do you think I am! Men have feelings, too, you know! I don’t have to take this! I thought I was coming in to help!

Laraine: Come on, you eat this stuff up like a fork, you know? I mean, you love it! Don’t complain! You little tease, you little juicy buns!

Danny: Hey, that’s enough.. knock it off!!

Forewoman: Oh! Hey hey! Hey, they are so cute when they’re mad! They are so cute!

[ lunch whistle blows ]

Forewoman: Uh-oh! Hey, hey! One hour. Lunchtime. [ hands Danny his coat ] Here – put this on, sweetheart, cover yourself up!

[ the hardhats exit the classroom, except for Gilda ]

Danny: [ sighs ] They were real mean to me! I was only trying to help them!

Gilda: Hey.. don’t cry. It’s only school.

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Is Lassie’s Real Name Elaine Horowitz” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Jaws III

Young Woman…..Laraine Newman
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Matt Hooper…..John Belushi
Sheriff Brady…..Dan Aykroyd
Patricia…..Jane Curtin
Second Woman…..Gilda Radner
Mrs. Brady…..Lily Tomlin

[ open on Young Woman sitting on the couch, talking to her mother over the phone ]

Young Woman: Mom, I’m telling you, I’ll be okaaaayy. I’ll be careful. Alright. goodbye. [ hangs up, as doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music as she saunters over to the door ] Yes?

Voice of Land Shark: Mrs. Bowerton..

Young Woman: Who?

Voice of Land Shark: Mrs. Heyahl..

Young Woman: What?!

Voice of Land Shark: Telephone man!

Young Woman: My telephone’s okay! Who is this?!

Voice of Land Shark: [ pause ] Are you double-parked, I think you’re blocking me?

Young Woman: I don’t own a car! come on, who is this?

Voice of Land Shark: [ hesitant ] Candygram.

Young Woman: [ excited ] A candygram! Oh, boy! [ opens door, and is devoured headfirst by Land Shark ]

[ SUPER: “Jaws III” ]

[ dissolve to Sheriff’s office, as Matt Hooper examines the Young Woman’s remains ]

Matt Hooper: [ breathing heavily ] Oh, my God! You can’t tell me.. that this woman was killed by slipping on a bar of soap!!

Sheriff Brady: What is it, Matt?

Matt Hooper: [ dramatic pause ] Land Shark! Still the cleverest species of them all!

Sheriff Brady: That’s the third time he’s hit that building! We’d better get over there!

[ dissolve to Patricia, sitting on couch and listening to the radio ]

Voice on Radio: Still on the loose. He disguises his voice and attacks single women, usually. It is still advised that the best method to ward off the land shark, in case of attack, is to hit it on the nose with a blunt instrument. Oceanographers at the –

[ Patricia turns the radio off ]

[ doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music ]

Patricia: Yes?

Voice of Sheriff Brady: Patricia! It’s Sheriff Brady and Matt Cooper! We’ve got to talk to you, it’s urgent!

Patricia: Okay, just a sec. [ grabs a mallet from bookshelf and unlocks her door ] Come right in.

[ the door open, Patricia swings her mallet; Sheriff Brady topples into the front room clutching his head in pain ]

Matt Hooper: [ enters ] It’s alright. Listen, Patricia.. Patricia.. this shark thing, it’s coming for the head! Now, he’s smart! He’s very smart! But! He’s killed three separate women in the same building! That’s where we’ve got him! Okay? Now, stay in your apartment, and don’t leave, no matter what! Don’t answer that door for any reason, okay? Unless you know it’s me or Sheriff Brady! Is that clear?

Patricia: I think so, yes.

Matt Hooper: You got it?!

Patricia: Uh-huh.

Matt Hooper: Okay. Now, there’s a special knock, that only me or Sheriff Brady will know! Okay? Now, don’t answer that door unless you hear that knock! It goes like this: [ knocks thrice, pauses, then twice more ] You got it?

Patricia: Yeah.

Matt Hooper: [ demonstrates it again ] That’s it! Okay? Okay, let’s go, Brady. We’ve gotta alert the others! Come on! Thanks, Patricia! Bye!

[ Matt and Brady exit, Patricia locks her door ]

[ the secret knock is heard at the door ]

Patricia: What is it now?!

Voice of Land Shark: [ voice disguised ] Uh.. I-I left my goggles there, Patricia..

Patricia: Oh, okay! [ opens door, is devourced by th shark ]

[ dissolve to Sheriff Brady’s office, as he and Matt examine Patricia’s body ]

Sheriff Brady: Which one is Patricia?

Matt Hooper: [ fuming ] Now, this is no time for levity, Brady! Now, look, we’ve gotta think of something! We’ve gottta think of something.. very fast.. Okay. I’ve got it! I’ve got an idea! I’ll be right back! [ steps off-screen ]

Sheriff Brady: This has gotta stop! We’ve gotta do something! [ thinking, as “Jaws” music cues ] I know! I know, that’s it! I can get some people. We’ll post deputies at the entrances and exits of all buildings!

[ Land Shark’s head bobs out from behind wall, nudging Brady’s shoulder ] I’m glad you’re back – I know just how to handle this! What we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna get some people together.

Land Shark: Get a posse?

Sheriff Brady: Get a posse, that’s right!

Land Shark: Surround the area?

Sheriff Brady: Surround the area, right! That’s right! Good, good! We’ll surround the area!

Land Shark: Walkie-talkies.

Sheriff Brady: Walkie-talkies! Good! Walkie-talkies!

Land Shark: Maybe carry some harpoons?

Sheriff Brady: Carry some harpoons? That’s a stupid idea- [ screams as Land Shark bites on him and pulls him off-screen ]

[ dissolve to Second Woman sitting on couch, listening to radio ]

Voice on Radio: ..and suggested it will pass, that there are ways to escape njury, even from the deadliest of the ocean sharks – the Great White. One method commonly spoken of by experts in this area- [ screams, as shark is heard eating him ]

Voice of Land Shark: [ taking over broadcast ] ..is to graciously invite the, uh.. the fish into your living room, and offer him a soda pop.. and maybe some Oreos and cookies.. just make him feel at home. And, uh.. that’s the news. Uh.. stay tuned for something else. Wait! Stay tuned.. stay tuned for music.

Second Woman: [ turns radio off, as doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music ] Who is it?

Voice of Land Shark: Land Shark!

Second Woman: Ohh.. Land Shark, huh? [ opens door ] Come on in and have a root beer! We’ve got Oreos and- [ screams, as shark devours her]

[ dissolve to Sheriff Brady’s office, as Matt uses the phone ]

Matt Hooper: Hello, Mrs. Brady? Yeah, this is Matt. This is Matt. Right. Look, uh.. I don’t know how to tell you this, but, uh.. well, your husband’s been eaten by a shark. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll tell you all about it later, I’ll be right over. [ hangs up phone ]

[ dissolve to Mrs. Brady at her apartment, wearing black veil and looking at a picture of Sheriff Brady ]

[ a knock at the door ]

Mrs. Brady: Yes?

Voice of Matt Hooper: Yeah, it’s me, Sue!

Mrs. Brady: [ starts to unlock door, then stops ] How do I know it’s really you?

Voice of Matt Hooper: Because I don’t sound like a shark, do I! Come on, it’s me, Matt!

Mrs. Brady: [ opens door ] Oh, Matt, I’m glad to see you. I feel so badly. that he had to go this way.. even though you are so attractive to me – you hunk!

Matt Hooper: [ out of breath ] Listen, sue.. there’s no time for that now! Listen, I don’t know how we can stop this thing! He’s just too clever! He’s too smart!

[ cue “Jaws” music ]

Voice of Chevy Chase: [ at door ] John..? Lily..? Cut it.. Cut it..

Lily Tomlin: [ breaking character ] What?

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] What?

Voice of Chevy Chase: Cut it, please.. I’m sorry.. we’re running very long, I’m sorry.. we’re gonna have to cut this sketch short, I’m afraid it’s, uh.. the scene’s getting too slow..

Lily Tomlin: Oh, come on!

John Belushi: Can’t we just finish the scene?!

Voice of Chevy Chase: No, I’m really sorry, John.. it’s just..

Lily Tomlin: Well, look.. I mean, the scene’s almost over.. give us a break..

Voice of Chevy Chase: Lily.. Lily.. we’re running too long.. why don’t you just say a line or something, exit through that apartment door there, on your right..

John Belushi: This is great.. great! Just when I’m about ready to catch the shark, you’re gonna cut the scene! Great!

Lily Tomlin: Forget about catching the shark! I mean, I can understand them doing this to you, but I’m the host! [ screams, as shark peeks in and gobbles her ]

John Belushi: [ alone on couch ] I turned down a job in “Cuckoo’s Nest” for this..

[ SUPER: “The End ?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin’s Monologue

…Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin: [ screams ] Well, thank you all a lot! And welome to the show. We’re excited tonight to show this pageant to you. It’s something that’s inside our bodies, and it just wants to get out! I’m especially excited to be back here in New York, because when you’re here, you know, there’s just so many impressions and so many impulses that greet you and meet you. In fact, so many, that, very often I just feel bound to write them down in my notebook, which I have concealed here very cleverly in my armpit! [ reaches in blouse and pulls out notebook ] And, um.. I thought I’d read them to you:

“I wonder what it would be like if we all became what we wanted to be when we grew up? I mean, imagine a world filled with nothing but firemen, cowboys, nurses and ballerinas.”

“I’ve decided that New York is always knowing where your purse is.”

“And I’ll tell you something else – I resent losing the Ozone Layer just so we cna have Pam.”

“Have you ever actually seen someone laughing all the way to the bank?”

“Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?” [ audience applauds wildly ] Why, this audience is filled with a bunch of little freaks!

“Being a New Yorker is never having to say you’re sorry.”

“How come when you’re last in a line that isn’t moving, and someone comes and stands behind you, you fell a lot better?”

And, most important of all: “Wouldn’t it be nice if all those people who roam the streets of New York, talking to themselves, were paired off so that they could walk around in couples and look like they’re having a conversation?”

I’ll tell you – I wanted to do a cheer for New York, while I’m here. [ snapping fingers ] And.. this is the composition that comes to mind:

“Cheer up, New York, ’cause you’re okay
Though the President says you won’t last another day.
I’m here to say you’re here to stay
And mention, by the way, if I may
You got the greatest culture, symphonies and plays
Also shopping, eating, meeting places and subways
Take pride in yourself, you could be Philadelphia.”

SNL Transcripts