Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Camp Wicawabe, 1990

Cambria…..Aidy Bryant
Piper…..Kate McKinnon
Joseph…..Kyle Mooney
Luann…..Cecily Strong
Jeremy…..Andy Samberg

Singing: “Swim in the water and jump in the tree, that’s what you do at Camp Wicawabe.”

Cambria: Hey guys, thanks for skipping tonight’s campfire and instead coming to our weekly round up. I’m Cambria and this is Piper.

Piper: Or as I hear dour counselors call us, Two Loud Little Turds.

Cambria: Yeah, we’re in the Cherokee bunk this summer because we are ten and so far it’s been great.

Piper: The only thing that sucks is we keep getting in trouble for no reason.

Cambria: Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife and carving “ass butt” into a tree.

Piper: And every time you get reprimanded you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Yesterday, our bedtime was 2:15.

Cambria: Yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked. Um, well now it’s time for our first segment. Arts and crafts.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Arts and “cwafts”.

Cambria: That’s Joseph and he’s only six and here really he… he still wears a diaper.

Piper: The week on arts and crafts we put googly eyes on pine cones

Cambria: Yeah, I mean, I gotta say when the activity was first described to me I was not into it and then I got that first eyeball on there and I was laughing and having a blast.

Piper: Okay guys, we’re having a very special lunch tomorrow. Here to tell you what it is is the head of the cafeteria, Luann Buckman. Take it away, Luann.

Luann: Hamburgers!

Piper: Thank you, Luann.

Cambria: Luann, she has a car here and we don’t know where she goes at night.

Piper: But last year she kissed a camper so this year she’s not allowed to sleep at the camp.

Cambria: Okay, now it’s time for this week’s guest. He’s my older cousin…

Piper: And he’s fourteen and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp.

Cambria: Yeah, please welcome Jeremy.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Please welcome Jeremy.

Jeremy: ‘Sup Cambria, little one.

Piper: Hey.

Jeremy: Sorry if I look cooler than normal, I just tried my first cigarette. Didn’t affect me at all and I ate the whole thing.

Piper: Wow.

Cambria: Okay, so Jeremy, tell us about some of the wild pranks that you’ve done recently.

Jeremy: Okay, well, you know that big tree?

Cambria: Yes.

Jeremy: Yesterday I put my butt on it.

Piper: Oh, so gross.

Jeremy: Yeah, and last night I snuck out of my bunk and put my thing through the tennis court net.

Cambria: What thing?

Jeremy: Then today I put a pube on the tether ball. It was a pretty big deal because it was my only one.

Cambria: Wow. I gotta say, you’re working with a lot of stuff I’ve never even heard of.

Piper: Okay, now’s the part of the show called No Moms No Dads.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] No Moms, No Dads.

Cambria: This is where we brag about things that we’ve done because there’s no moms and no dads here. I haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit and no one’s keeping track so I’m not gonna do it.

Piper: I swallowed a bee. It flew into my Snapple and died and I drank it ’cause I’m bad to the bone.

Jeremy: Last week we found a condom in our bunk and all ten of us tried it on. Yeah. It didn’t fit anybody but it was fun.

Piper: Oh wow. I’m trying to enjoy these stories but I don’t have context for any of them.

Cambria: Yeah, okay now, let’s take a moment to remember the campers who’ve had to go home early this year.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Campers Who Had to Leave Early.

Cambria: Tiffany Waller Wostien. She can’t poop anywhere but her own house so her parents had to pick her up because she was full.

Piper: Bobby Vance. He killed a frog and the counselors found out it was on purpose because he really ripped it up and scattered it all around the camp. He left in a police van.

Jeremy: Brittany July. She got her period on a horse a freaked out.

Cambria: Well, okay, that’s all the time we have ’cause I gotta go to the waterfront and show Piper how to lift a big rock.

Jeremy: I put my butt on that rock.

Piper: Oh, so cool.

Jeremy: Right?

Cambria: Bye!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Goodnights

…..Andy Samberg

Andy Samberg: Thanks to St. Vincent, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Martin Short, Kristen Wiig, 2 Chainz…. the cast, the crew, the writers, Lorne for giving me a career, my wife, my family, I love you all ,thank you so much, this has been incredible!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Confident Hunchback

Quasimodo…..Andy Samberg
Bartender…..Beck Bennett
Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Blonde…..Kate McKinnon
Plump Gal…..Aidy Bryant
Guy…..Taran Killam
Esmarelda…..Cecily Strong

Announcer: [ over scroll ]
Paris, 1482.
The great Cathedral of Notre Dame stands high over the city. Its caretaker: a lowly hunchback, hidden away in its belltower. Many feared him, but few realized that the size of his horrific deformity was nothing… compared to his swagger.” ]

[ cut to title card ]

Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback, I like to meet!
Confident Hunchback!”

[ dissolve to tavern ]

Bartender: Ugh! Don’t look now — Here comes that wretch from the cathedral.

Girl: Oh, how he turns my stomach.

[ Quasimodo drops down from a rope, as the room gasps ]

Quasimodo: Comin’ in hot! [ he ambles up to the counter ] Cool Guy Alert! Is it me, or am I GREAT? Hey, compadre, start me with a red wine — NEAT!

[ the Bartender thrusts a stein at him ]

Quasimodo: [ to the girl ] And what’s your name, Gorgeous?

Girl: Leave me alone, Monster!

Quasimodo: Oooooh! “M” word, right out the gate! Hunchie like! Now, what say we get out of here?

Girl: My… you are confident.

Quasimodo: Hold that thought. I just spotted an “8”. [ he ambles over to a blonde ] Oh, what is this? Hello, there!

Blonde: Move along, Creature!

Quasimodo: Me-owwww! Claws are out! But I got a “hunch”… I’m gonna be making you breakfast tomorrow! [ he laughs while pointing to his back ]

Blonde: [ impressed ] Ohhhhhhh! You’re bad!

Quasimodo: At breathing — ’cause of my mangled skeleton. Call me! [ he saunters across a room and picks up a hat ] Hey — fedora! [ he tries it on ] Nope! Not even me! [ he approaches a plump gal ] Hey there! Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Because it killed my Mom when I was born! [ he laughs ]

Guy: [ wielding his sword ] Get your dirty hump away from her!

Quasimodo: No can do! And P.S.: My spine’s not the only thing that’s curved!

Plump Gal: Ohhhh! Well! Oooooohh!

Quasimodo: I know — gross, right? Say, how about you ditch the straightback, and we see if we can’t put some more STINK into these rags?

Guy: You gotta go for it — He’s incredible!

Quasimodo: Snooze, you lose! [ he ambles over to Esmarelda ] Uh-oh! Look at this little dimepiece! [ he strains to sit next to her ] Don’t rob me, Gypsy! Too late, you stole my heart!

Esmarelda: I’m sorry? You don’t remember me? I’m… I’m Esmarelda. I brought you bread and water when you were being pilloried in the town square?

Quasimodo: Oh… yes. [ as violin music plays ] You’re the only person who ever… showed me kindness.

Esmarelda: That’s right, Quasimodo. Because I’m the only one that knows you have a beautiful soul.

Quasimodo: What??

Esmarelda: I said, you have a beautiful soul. [ she caresses his hunch, as he recoils ]

Quasimodo: Gahhhh!! We shouldn’t do this.

Esmarelda: No… I wasn’t…

Quasimodo: ‘Cause I don’t want to mess up our friendship, so…

Esmarelda: Yeah…

[ cut to title card ]

Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback!”

[ dissolve to Quasimodo surrounded by all the girls ]

Quasimodo: I have, at most, a year to live!

[ he and the girls laugh playfully ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Waking Up with Kimye

Kanye West…..Jay Pharoah
Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Justin Puppet…..Andy Samberg

Kanye West: Welcome to our show Waking Up with Kimye. It’s America’s favorite morning team, we got so much chemistry, we can finish each other’s…

Kim Kardashian: Hi.

Kanye West: Na, na, na, on May 24th Kim and I are getting married, fam. What’s marriage mean to you baby?

Kim Kardashian: That’s the thing you need in order to get a divorce.

Kanye West: In one week Kim will walk down the aisle, take her place at the altar and then watch me ride down the aisle on a meladale elephant.

Kim Kardashian: Elephants are the best.

Kanye West: And what better place for a cultural icon like Kim to get married than Florence Italy.

Kim Kardashian: Cheerio Gov’nor!

Kanye West: No, no, that’s England baby. You know Florence, what do they always say to you in Italy?

Kim Kardashian: Leave!

Kanye West: At this time we normally introduce our in house band comprised of the entire Kardashian family, but the ladies are being fitted for their bridesmaids, Yeezus masks and Rob is eatin’ pie. So please welcome my new sidekick Kardashian family patriarch, Bruce Jenner.

Bruce Jenner: Hi Kim, hi Kanye.

Kanye West: Hey yo! Can you believe we’re getting married?

Bruce Jenner: Oh, I get so emotional just thinking about it. I mean, I would be crying but my tear ducts are stretched behind my ears.

Kanye West: Well, we’re happy you’re here Mister Jenner.

Bruce Jenner: Oh Kanye, Mr. Jenner is my dad, please call me Linda.

Kim Kardashian: Miss you Linda.

Kanye West: Ayt, let’s bring out today’s guest. Since the entire world is hungry for details about our wedding, we decided to reveal some secrets.

Kim Kardashian: Please welcome our wedding planner, Justin Puppet.

Justin Puppet: Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello! Kim you look gorgeous.

Kim Kardashian: Thanks.

Kanye West: Of course she does, I dressed her.

Kim Kardashian: So Justin, what can you reveal about our upcoming wedding?

Justin Puppet: Well, first off, every guest will arrive to the venue on a golden rickshaw pulled by the beautiful and strapping Khloe Kardashian.

Kim Kardashian: Khloe’s strong.

Justin Puppet: Ah, yeah. I’ve seen that girl deadlift a fully stocked refrigerator so…

Kanye West: Tell them about the vows Justin.

Justin Puppet: Okay, Kim and Kanye prepared their own wedding vows. Kanye will give a beautiful and loud three hour speech about Kim’s ass and Kim will read her favorite verse from Green Eggs and Ham.

Kim Kardashian: It’s the part where it rhymes.

Justin Puppet: And the reception will be naner’s. The dinner tables will be in Florence but the open bar will be in Paris so that will be fun to figure out.

Kanye West: It’s genius!

Justin Puppet: Yeah, yeah. Oh and security will be intense so paparazzi, please RSVP. In a nutshell this wedding is going to be tight.

Bruce Jenner: The tighter the better, I always say.

Justin Puppet: And don’t even get me started on Kim’s dress.

Kanye West: Which brings us to the part of our show where we look at the latest developments in the world of fashion in a segment we call What Kim Designed, Wedding Edition. Now, Kim and I decided, decided to design what we’ll be wearing at the wedding. I went with the classic understated look. It is a full leather tuxedo inspired by two geniuses, Givenchy Gavjivanchi and Batman. It’s what I believe Jesus would’ve worn if he had access to a kilometer of leather. Now, I had to work with a team of designers to create that. But Kim designed her wedding dress all by herself.

Kim Kardashian: I drew this, you guys. That’s my dress, balloon and the sun is wearing sunglasses because it’s bright.

Kanye West: You’re all looking at the next Vera Wang.

Kim Kardashian: Aha, Wang.

Justin Puppet: Yeah. The whole event is gonna be expensive and scary and fun and unnecessary and fun.

Kanye West: Ayt fam we’re gonna take a quick break. When we come back, Kim talks about climate change.

Kim Kardashian: Do you ever notice it gets warmer in the summer?

Kanye West: Save that world, baby!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Andy Samberg’s Monologue

…..Andy Samberg
…..Seth Meyers
…..Bill Hader
…..Martin Short

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Andy Samberg!

Andy Samberg: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! It’s — yes! Thank you! Thank you! It’s SUPER great to be here hosting the season finale of “SNL”! Unbelievable! Uh, before we begin, I should mention Justin Timberlake could NOT be here tonight. He’s touring in Russia. I just want to get that out of the way. But I do understand that he sent a picture to wish me luck.

[ image: Justin Timberlake in Russia, pixellated middle finger with “You’re Gonna Blow It!” sign ]

Andy Samberg: He’s a good friend. Anyways — I myself have had a crazy year. I got married. [ audience cheers ] Yep! And I’m working on a new show — “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” — for which I’ve won TWO Golden Globes. [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yes, I’ve won TWO Golden Globes for it, which brings new meaning to the phrase: “…And twiiiins!” Thank you! I put on a suit to tell that joke! And, of course, before that, I was a cast member here on “SNL”, where I appeared in, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! Where I appeared in upwards of 100 Digital Shorts and SIX live sketches. So this is gonna go great! But one thing I was less known for was doing impressions. Now, that said, I was poking around online… and was shocked to find that I only did twenty-three fewer impressions than my fellow castmate and impression master Bill Hader. So I thought — since he’s not here to defend himself — why not catch him up all in one shot here tonight? So, here to help me break the record — my good friend, Seth Meyers!

[ Seth Meyers appears and hugs Andy ]

Seth Meyers: How you doing? I’m so excited!

Andy Samberg: So excited! Alright, here we go! Let’s put 300 minutes on the clock.

Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s WAY too many minutes.

Andy Samberg: Let’s skip the clock!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Andy Samberg: And… GO!!

Seth Meyers: Paul Giamatti!

Andy Samberg: “Ahhhhhhh, I don’t know, it seems like a bad idea!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Jay Baruchel!

Andy Samberg: “Um… you want me to train my dragon?!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: John Travolta!

Andy Samberg: “It’s, like, oh my God!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Alan Arkin!

Andy Samberg: “What is this Argo??”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Ryan Reynolds!

Andy Samberg: “I… don’t understand.”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Jim Carrey!

Andy Samberg: “IIIIIIII… don’t understand!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Alf!

Andy Samberg: “No prob-lem!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: The dad from “Alf”!

Andy Samberg: [ grunting ] “Mmm… Alf! Don’t eat the cat!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Roland Gibb, from Fine Young Cannibals.

Andy Samberg: “Good thing!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Well done. Beetlejuice!

Andy Samberg: “HEY!! Look, help me up…”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Keanu Reeves!

Andy Samberg: “Whoa!”

[ buzz! ]

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, it doesn’t count. You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast.

Andy Samberg: [ mimicking ] “You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast…” Seth Meyers!

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Good one! Larry David!

Andy Samberg: “Prettyyyyyyy… prettyyyyyyy… okay!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Zooey Deschenel!

Andy Samberg: “Hey, how’s it going?”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Seth Rogen!

Andy Samberg: “Hey, man!” [ he chuckles heartily ]

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Teller, from Penn & Teller!

[ Andy stands silently ]

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

Andy Samberg: “Ohhhh, yeahhh!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: The guy who does the “Entourage” theme song.

Andy Samberg: [ high-pitched ] “Oh, yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Smokey the Bear!

Andy Samberg: [ grabbing hat ] “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Pharrell!

[ Andy punches the hat into a taller shape and puts it back on his head ]

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Liam Neeson!

Andy Samberg: “A particular set of skills!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Osama bin Laden!

Andy Samberg: [ recoiling ] “No, no, no, no, no!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Really good! Really good. Chris Mullin!

Andy Samberg: “Ah was on the Dream Team!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Larry Byrd!

Andy Samberg: “AH was on the Dream Team!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Charles Barkley!

Andy Samberg: “Ah was ALSO on the Dream Team!”

[ ding-ding-ding!! ]

Seth Meyers: That’s 24! You DID it, Andy! You did it!

[ suddenly, Bill Hader bursts forward to massive applause ]

Bill Hader: Seth! [ hands index cards over ] Read those names.

Andy Samberg: No!

Seth Meyers: [ reading ] Casey Kasem!

Bill Hader: “Good news! I’ve… been found!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Andy Samberg!

Bill Hader: [ with a drawl ] “I play a smart detective! That’s believable! Smorky-borg!”

[ ding-ding-ding!! ]

Seth Meyers: You DID it!! Bill Hader is STILL the Master of Impressions!

[ confetti and balloons fall, and Martin Short hands Bill a bouquet of roses to massive applause ]

Bill Hader: Martin Short?!

Martin Short: Bill! You nailed it, buddy! You killed it!

Andy Samberg: Great! Martin Short, my childhood hero. So that stinks. But! I suppose I brought this on myself. We’ve got a great show! St. Vincent is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

St. Vincent performs “Digital Witness”

…..Andy Samberg
…..St. Vincent

Andy Samberg: Ladies and gentlemen — St. Vincent.

St. Vincent: [ singing ]
“Get back to your seat
Get back, gnashing teeth
Ooh, I want all of your mind.

.People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.
People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.

Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping?
If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me
What’s the point of doing anything?
This is no time for confessing — oh!
I want all of your mind.

People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.
People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.

Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping?
If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me
Watch me jump right off the London Bridge
This is no time for confessing — oh!

People turn the TV on and throw it out the window — yeah.

Get back to your stare
I care, but I don’t care
Oh, oh!
I — I want all of your mind
Give me all of your mind
I want all of your mind
Give me all of it.

Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping?
If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me
What’s the point of doing anything?
What’s the point of even sleeping?
So I stopped sleeping, yeah I stopped sleeping
Won’t somebody sell me back to me?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

St. Vincent performs “Birth in Reverse”

…..Andy Samberg
…..St. Vincent

Andy Samberg: Once again — St. Vincent.

St. Vincent: [ singing ]
“Oh, what an ordinary day
Take out the garbage, masturbate
I’m still holding for the laugh.

The dogs will bark, so let them bark
The birds will cry, I let them cry
Here’s my report from the edge.

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You can say that I’m sane
In phenomenal lies
Oh, the cards make you turn
Then he poured in line
It was a birth in reverse in America.

This, too, will haunt me through the war
Laugh all you want, but I want more
‘Cause what I’m swearing I’ve never sworn before.

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You can say that I’m sane
In phenomenal lies
Oh, the cards make you turn
Then he poured in line
It was a birth in reverse in America.

Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You can say that I’m sane
In phenomenal lies
Oh, the cards make you turn
Then he poured in line
It was a birth in reverse in America.”

[ guitar riff ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 12

13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille

The Hit

Thug #1…..Jay Pharoah
Trey…..Kenan Thompson
Thug #2…..Taran Killam

[ open on dark car pulling up to the curb as snow falls ]

Thug #1: He should be coming out in five minutes. Now, remember — when you see him come out, we’re gonna roll up right beside him and blast him.

[ they all cock their pistols and maintain their focus on the front door ]

Trey: It’s really coming down tonight?

Thug #1: What?

Trey: No, nothing, you know? Just the snow. It’s really something. Old Man Winter really… really outdid himself tonight!

Thug #1: Yo, Trey! What the hell you talkin’ about, man?!

Trey: Ah, nothing! Just forget it, Dawg!

Thug #2: Man, they don’t even realize what’s about to happen, man! They’re sitting up there trapped!

Trey: That’s right! And we sittin’ up in the car, windows rolled up. It feels like we’re in our own snowglobe!

Thug #1: Do you not remember what we came here for? Stay focused, man!

Trey: Right. My bad. You right, Dawg.

Thug #1: Jeez!

Trey: [ still staring out the window ] You know, they say no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But how would they ever know? You know what I’m sayin’?

Thug #1: Yo, yo, yo, yo! How about we act like… it’s not snowin’!

Thug #2: Oh, I feel you! How about we act like there’s two angels in heaven… and they’re havin’ a PILLOW FIGHT!

Trey: Or — How about we act like it’s rainin’ POWDERED SUGAR!

Thug #2: How about we stick our tongues out the car and TASTE the sugar!

[ they stick their tongues out the window ]

Trey: Oh, man! Give me some of that sugar! Give me some of that sugar!

Thug #1: YO!! [ he slams their doors shut ] How ’bout I BLAST the next person who talks about some damn SNOW, man?! PAY ATTENTION!!

[ they remain quiet for a moment ]

Thug #2: Hey, you know what I’d be doin’ right now if I wasn’t about to BLAST these fools?

Trey: Hmm?

Thug #2: I would be runnin’ barefoot through the forest like a deer in a winter wonderland! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!

Trey: Yeahhhhhhh, you lost me on that one, Dawg.

Thug #1: Thank you!

Trey: Yeah, it’s clearly an inside day.

Thug #2: Yes!!

Trey: You know what I’m sayin’? A brother like me would be cuddled up next to the window, you know, with an oversized sweater!

Thug #2: Yes!

Trey: And probably TWO hands on a good cup of cocoa!

Thug #2: Mmm-mmm, mini-marshmallows!

Trey: Nah, just one BIG one!

Thug #2: Oh, ho, ho! Preach!

Trey: Relaxin’ and listenin’ to the sweet vocal stylings of one Miss Carole King!

[ together, they start to sing “So Far Away” ]

Thug #2: Whoo! “Tapestry”‘s my shit!

Thug #1: Shh, shh! Yo, look!

Trey: What, you see ’em? They comin’ out?

[ the cock their pistols ]

Thug #1: Nah… it’s a rabbit.

Trey & Thug #2: Ohhhhhhh…

Thug #1: You know, I’ve never really seen one in person before, you know?

Thug #2: Hey, little guy!!

Trey: Shhhhh!

Thug #1: You gonna scare him! Now, I’m gonna go outside and try to pet him.

Trey: Hey, but don’t hurt him!

Thug #1: I got it!

[ the music swells, as he steps outside and moves toward the rabbit ]

[ suddenly, shots blast out and he falls dead in the snow ]

[ Trey casually starts the engine, puts the car in reverse and drives away ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 12

13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille

Lamborghini

Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Martin Porn-Cese…..Jonah Hill

Brookie: Heartpounding.

Friend: Drenaline.

Brookie: Ezzileration.

Friend: Spectaculance.

Both: The fastest. Lambortini!

Friend: All the craftmanships of a high class automobang.

Brookie: You can be the driver of dreams — Meep, meep!

Both: With lambortini!

Brookie: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I’m Brookie.

Friend: And I’m okay, thank you.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars anymore, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to get to places.

Both: In style!

[ Man scoots forward in electric wheelchair ]

Martin Porn-Cese: Did someone say “Vroom, vroom?”

Both: Not yet!

Martin Porn-Cese: Okay, bye. [ he scoots backward ]

Brookie: Other cars are slow, and Hondas. Hasta la vista, scabies!

Friend: Why, I oughta…

Brookie: Lambortinis are like transformers ‘cept for no robots.

Friend: Avaliable in manual or autoerotic.

Brookie: With financing as low as 3.1 percent HPV.

Friend: And they’re perfect for occasions like…

Brookie: Escaping.

Friend: Fleeing.

Brookie: Great gash mileage.

Friend: Cross country road head.

Brookie: I was kidnapped.

Friend: Bikini car rash.

Brookie: And first time on Howard Sterm.

Friend: I guarentee it! You’ll feel like the conductor running a train on the world.

Brookie: With these wheels, you’ll feel like you’re getting the rim job. Plus, it has two of those things that you press on your feet?

Friend: Testicles.

Brookie: No — pedals.

Friend: Pedals.

[ Man scoots forward in electric wheelchair ]

Martin Porn-Cese: Did someone say “Vroom, vroom?”

Both: Not yet!

Martin Porn-Cese: Alright. [ he scoots backward ]

Both: With Lambortinis!

Friend: One time, I thought I banged Seal Team Six… but it was actually just sixteen seals. I was like, “Thanks, America! [ barks like a seal ] Arf, arf!”

Brookie: I tried to bang a quiet guy, but it was just a corpse and I was like, “Hey, it’s your funeral!” But his family was like, “Yes. Now get out of the coffin.”

Friend: One time, I thought I was in the movie “Alien”, but it was really just a big penis in my stomach. I was like, “What are you doing in there? I’m not a morning person.”

Brookie: Remember listening to sea shells?

[ they cup their hands to their ears, as Man wheels forward in an electric wheelchair ]

Martin Porn-Cese: Did someone say “Vroom, vroom?”

Both: Oh, yeah…

Martin Porn-Cese: Hi, I’m legendary adult director Martin Porn-Cese. You may know me from my classic pornos, like “Bangs of New York”, “Raging Boner”, “The Departed (Hymen)”, and “The Wolf of Wall Street”. To take my word for it, if you’re going to bang all night you’re definitely going to need some Lambroginas. They’re vaginas that are super flexible.

Both: They’re cars…

Martin Porn-Cese: Well, I don’t know if you could fit a whole car in it.

Brookie: It’s an ad for cars, so they’ll send us free Lambrotinis.

Martin Porn-Cese: Oh, right — the scam. [ they all attempt to wink at the camera ] So buy some Lambroginas, because if you want to spice things up I know just the thing.

Brookie: Sports cars!

Friend: Ass forepay.

All: With Lambortinis!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Hannah Cottle

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 12

13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille

Jonah Hill’s Monologue

…..Jonah Hill
Female Audience Member…..Noël Wells
Male Audience Member…..John Milhiser
Brad Pitt…..Taran KIllam
…..Leonardo DiCaprio

Anbnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jonah Hill!

Jonah Hill: Thank you! Ah, um… thank you, thank you. It is so great to be back here hosting “SNL” for the third time. Honestly, my whole life feels like a dream come true right now. Between “Moneyball” and “Wolf of Wall Street” and getting nominated for my second Academy Award, you know… [ audience cheers ] I just, uh… I just couldn’t be more grateful, and, you know, the thing about being an Oscar-nominated actor is —

Female Audience Member: Excuse me?

Jonah Hill: Uh… yes, can I help you?

Female Audience Member: [ excited ] Um… hi! I was just, uh, wondering: What is it like working with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Jonah Hill: Oh, I wasn’t really opening up the floor for questions, but, uh — okay! Leo — which is short for Leonardo — you know, he’s a terrific guy, and he’s still learning, you know? He’sobviously a huge star. Anyway, when I do an Oscar movie —

Male Audience Member: Hi.

Jonah Hill: Yes. You, Sir.

Male Audience Member: Hi. Um… What’s Leo’s hair like? Is it, like, beautiful?

Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] I don’t know! It’s… it’s decent, I guess. Not that memorable. Kind of like mine, maybe a little worse. Yes. You. Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt: Hey, man! Just wanted to say… I had a BLAST working with you in “Moneyball” — Bahhh!

Jonah Hill: Okay!

Brad Pitt: And you… have developed into a great dramatic actor — Bahhhh!!

Jonah Hill: Oh, my God! Thank you, Brad, that’s very nice of you to say.

Brad Pitt: Also, uh — What’s DiCaprio like, huh? I bet he was the BEST!! BAHHHH!!!

Jonah Hill: Okay. Okay, look, you want to know the truth? The truth is: Leo wasn’t even supposed to BE in the movie! Okay? Here’s what happened! I call up Marty Scorcese. I say, “Marty. It’s J.H. I’m ready to get in the ring again!” He says, “Finally!” Then, I say, “Should we get DiCaprio on board?” And Marty says, “I don’t know if he can handle it. Sure, he’s a movie star, he puts teenaged girls in the seats. But we need a REAL actor, like YOU!” Okay? That’s what –[ the audience screams wildly, as Leonardo DiCaprio saunters into view ]

Jonah Hill: [ worried ] Oh, my God…! Oh..!

Leonardo DiCaprio: Hey, buddy!

Jonah Hill: Ohhhh, God, nooo!

Leonardo DiCaprio: I have a question. What the hell are you doing, man?

Jonah Hill: Oh, nothing much! I was pretty much just talking you up big time, just saying what a baller you are at acting…!

Leonardo DiCaprio: No, no, I don’t think you were, man. I mean, I actually came here to support you. I’ve been backstage the whole time.

Jonah Hill: [ stammering ] Uhhh… you-you-you were… backstage…?! That’s WEIRD, man! Maybe the ACOUSTICS are messed up or something, ’cause I was totally hyping you up! I was like, “Heyyyy, you know what’s eating Gilbert Grape? THis guy right here! He’s taking a big ol’ BITE out of that juicy grape!” You know?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Really?

Jonah Hill: Yeah! I was like, you know, “This guy Leo taught me EVERYTHING I know, and I’d be NOTHING Without him, and he’s such a MODEL… both physically — like he has the looks of a model, but also a ROLE model! And he’s really charitable… and “The Aviator”…

Leonardo DiCaprio: Hold on, Jonah. Forget about all that, okay? Why don’t you just be honest about what you’re doing right now? Seriously.

Jonah Hill: [ meekly ] I was, uh… I was acting like a bigshot.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what did we say about acting like a bigshot in public like this?

Jonah Hill: We said that, like… like I… shouldn’t do it.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what should you do instead?

Jonah Hill: I should just, like… try to, like… be the best version of me, or whatever…

Leonardo DiCaprio: Jonah, I knew this was gonna happen if you got nominated, but you don’t have to pretend any more. You’re a real ACTOR now! You should be HUMBLE! You should be GRACIOUS! Get it?

Jonah Hill: Yeah, I’m sorry. I get it. I just got so excited, you know?

Leonardo DiCaprio: I know. I remember.

Jonah Hill: Hey, Lee?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah, J?

Jonah Hill: Remember when we were on set, and I-I would get really nervous?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Jonah Hill: Can we do the thing we always did every day, the thing that made me feel safe?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Is it gonna help you be, uh… less nervous?

Jonah Hill: Yeah.

Leonardo DiCaprio: [ sighs ] Yeah, sure. We can do it.

Jonah Hill: Alright. Thanks, man.

[ “Titanic” instrumental theme plays, as Jonah stretches out his arms and DiCaprio wraps his arms around him ]

Jonah Hill: “Am I flying, Jack?”

Leonardo DiCaprio: “Yes, Rose! Yes, you’re flying!” Jonah’s got a GREAT show for you tonight! Bastille is here! Stick around, and he’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts