Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Halloween Candy

Dad…..Edward Norton
Diego…..Bobby Moynihan
Adult Ruth…..Aidy Bryant

[ open on Dad sitting in his living room with a plastic pumpkin ]

Dad: Oh! Hi, friends. Well… it’s that spooky time of the year again — Halloween — and I have a fresh batch of goodies in store for all of our trick-or-treaters. so why don’t we just see what they’re gonna get this year, shall we?

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This is a little Snickers. They say it’s fun-sized. No arguments from me, wink!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… looks like a Reese’s Cup. But guess what’s inside? [ he pulls an object out ] Kale chip! GOTCHA, Fatty!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now this is an Almond Joy. Almond Joy’s got nuts? TMI, Almond Joy! Geeeeez! [ looking over ] Do you like Halloween, Diego?

Diego: Yeaahhhhh!!

Dad: Diego’s my son, he loves Halloween. I like your costume, Diego. What are you?

[ posing ] BOOOOOONES!!

Dad: Hmmmmm… Okay. Uh, what else have we got in here? [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] This ia Bazooka Joe bubble gum. I already took a peek at the comic inside — surprise! It’s funny as ALL HELL!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… is a peanut scotch-taped to an M&M. Because that’s just how my mind works.

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… is a Ring-Pop. I told my wife it was a ruby, and she was like, “Can we not? Please.”

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This little guy is a Pez dispenser with my head on it. To make it accurate, I filled it up with what I ate last night. Don’t worry — I just had PEZ!! Diego? What’s going on with that pumpkin?

[ cut to Diego holding a pumpkin with a huge hole in the middle ]

Diego: I made the mouth too biiiiig…

Dad: Mmm-hmm. He’s a hot little mess. [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] Okay. Now, this, if you look close, is one single little Nerd. Can you get in a little closer? [ cut to close-up ] PSYCH!! It’s a boogie! [ he tosses it toward Diego ]

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: Now, this… this is the movie “Cars 2”. But look what happens when you open the case: [ he opens the empty case ] No DVD! NOW who’s in control? [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] This is Baby Ruth. And this is Adult Ruth.

[ cut to a grown woman ]

Adult Ruth: I’m Ruth.

Dad: Whoa-oa, Diego. What happened?

[ cut to Diego covered in toilet paper ]

Diego: I got Tee-Peeeeeeeeed!

Dad: [ sighs ] Diego thought he saw a ghost last night, but it turned out it was jsut a sheet over a dead corpse. [ he reaches into his pumpkin ] Okay, look — Now these are razor blades. But they’re still in the PACK! So this time, they’ll have to arrest me for GENEROSITY!

[ he reaches into his pumpkin ]

Dad: This… is a Klondike Bar. And what would I do for a Klondike Bar? I’d suck ANYTHING you put in front of me, I’m serious, I don’t care! I LOVE… Klondike Bars.

[ Adult Ruth hands over a glass ]

Dad: Ooh! Is that a Candy Corn Mojito? [ he sips it ] Oh, that’s yummy! I guess I’m giving that Two-Year Chip back!

[ Diego steps forward, chewing the innards of his mangled pumpkin ]

Diego: Oooohhhh, it’s salty!

Dad: Oh. Happy Halloween, Diego.

Diego: Happy Halloween, Dad! Happy Halloween, Adult Ruth!

Dad: Happy Halloween, everyone.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Have a Spooktacular Halloween! From Diego, Dad and Adult Ruth!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Critter Control

Manager…..Kate McKinnon
Chad…..Jay Pharoah
Executive #1…..Noël Wells
Executive #2…..Cecily Strong
Executive #3…..Beck Bennett
Mitchell…..Brooks Wheelan
Russell…..Edward Norton

[ open on conference room meeting ]

Manager: So everyone has his or her ABT documents?

Chad: Oh, oh yes — I have two!

Executive #1: Oh ho, Chad!

Executive #2: Could I just like mention something? Is there a weird, strong smell in here?

Manager: Yes, there was a bit of a vermin problem, but someone from pest control is coming in to take care of it. Okay. Now, if we could all turn to Page 2 here…

[ Mitchell from Critter Control bursts into the room ]

Mitchell: Critter Control!

Executive #2: Oh! Oh. Should we all clear out for you, while you —

Mitchell: Oh! no need, no need! This will only take FIVE minutes! Uh… you won’t even know I’m here.

Manager: Okay. Um, so as I was saying, the Third quarter was not our best. We’ve looked at these numbers, um…

Mitchell: [ peering into the vent ] Ohhh, my Goooooooooodddd!!

Executive #2: Is something wrong?

Mitchell: Nooo, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… Nothing’s wrong. Keep having your meeting.

Manager: So… the Third Quarter…

Mitchell: Ohhhhh, my Gooooooodddd!! Something IS wrong! Oh, it’s just as I suspected: POSSUMS!! [ camera cuts to inside the vent ] Oh, there’s TWO of them in there! One’s alive, and one’s dead! The alive one’s CRYING over the dead one’s BODY! Ohhhh, my Gooooooodddd!! Russell has GOT to see this! [ he runs to the door ] RUSSELL!!

Executive #2: Should we just move to another conference room?

Manager: I’m afraid this is the only one that’s available. Let’s just try to stay focused. He said it would just be a few minutes.

[ Mitchell returns with Russell ]

Russell: Uh… uh… ladies and gentlemen, my name is Russell, and, no, I’m not a licensed Critter Control specialist. However, I am Mitchell’s best friend, and he KNOWS I just love this funky junk! But I have been informed that a meeting is taking place, and I’m NOT to disturb you and, in conclusion, just work harder and not smarter, and uh… we’ll get ‘er done, and my name has been Russell.

[ Mitchell leads Russell to the vent ]

Executive #1: Wait… what’s happening…?

Russell: Give me a light… [ he takes Mitchell’s flashlight and peers into the vent ] Oh, boy! You weren’t kiddin’ about these possums! One of ’em’s dead and his buddies are havin’ some sort of memorial service. Why… you know, he was definitely respected, but I don’t know if he was the leader or just like a charismatic citizen. But there’s a big turnout!

Mitchell: Oh, ho, ho! Should I rile them up?!

Russell: Yeah! Get ’em! Make ’em go nuts!

[ Mitchell bangs the wall with his mallet ]

Russell: Oh yeah, that’s good! Now they’re gettin’ fired up!

[ Mitchell keeps pounding the wall ]

Executive #3: Can we take a five-minute break?

Manager: No, no, they’ll be done soon. They are two professionals.

Chad: Actually, I think, uh, Russell’s just a friend.

Mitchell: Oh, ho, Russell! I got an idea! Try the bat!

Russell: Oh, yeah! [ he grabs Mitchell’s bat, then skims around the inside of the vent as the possums screech ] Oh, yeah! I used the bat! I — Hey, he got the bat…

Mitchell: You gotta get that! I got a GAME tomorrow!

Russell: Oh, shoot… I forgot. I’ll go in and get it.

[ Russell crawls into the vent ]

Manager: Maybe… maybe we should leave.

Executive #3: Can we stay? I kinda want to see how this turns out.

Mitchell: Russell! Russell, can you see what’s happening in there?

[ cut to Russell squeezed inside the vent ]

Russell: [ squinting ] Uh… they took my eyeglasses… and one’ of ’em’s puttin’ them on himself, and he… [ excited ] He’s pretendin’ he’s ME! [ laughing ] I DO do that!

Mitchell: I wanna see that! I wanan see that!

Russell: You gotta come in here, these guys are high-larious!

Mitchell: Alright! [ he jumps into the vent ] Oh, my gosh…

[ the possums squeal, as Russell and Mitchell laugh at their antics ]

Russell: What did I tell you? Do these guys do marvelous impressions or what?

Mitchell: My God! Do ME! Do ME!

[ the possums squal, and Russell and Mitchell crack up ]

Mitchell: Look at him!

Russell: It’s exactly how you walk!

Mitchell: Oh, my God! I never thought I would say this, but I… love… these possums!

[ back in the meeting room, everyone stares at Russell and Mitchell’s outstretched largs uncomfortably ]

Russell: Now… now, look… one of them is stickin’ out his little paw in friendship…

Mitchell: YES, Mr. Possum! I accept you as a brother! Wait… now what is that in his paw…?

Russell: Oh, God, he’s got a knife!

Mitchell: OH, MY GOD!! IT WAS A TRAP!!

[ suddenly, the two pairs of legs are yanked forward in the vent and disappear, as the exceutives look on in confused horror ]

Executive #2: So, we’re all… we’re all just gonna ignore that happened, right?

Manager: I think so…

Chad: Yeah! Yeah!

[ they all return to their meeting ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Goodnights

…..Edward Norton

Edward Norton: Has anyone ever had more fun than I just did? No! Thank you to Janelle Monae, alec Baldwin, Miley Cyrus, and Lorne Michaels, and this whole cast! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey…..Kenan Thompson
Jake Pickler…..Edward Norton
Facebook…..Aidy Bryant
Cereal Killer…..Kyle Mooney
Deviled Eggs…..Noël Wells, John Milhiser

[ open on show graphics ]

[ dissolve to talk show set ]

Steve Harvey: Okay! Welcome back! Welcome back to “Steve Harvey”! I want to thank Nigel Tipton, real-life ghostbuster, for bringing some of his FINEST to the show! And I apologize for conducting the interview from the parking lot! I don’t mess with no ghosts! [ he chuckles ] Okay, let’s move on to Expert Tips! [ graphics ] Halloween is only a couple of days away, and I gotta confess: I don’t like it! Folks sneaking around and grabbing candy, when we got enough CRIME and DIABETES out there as it is! At my house, we do the same thing every year: Turn off all the lights, leave a bucket of Steve Harvey Pocket Squares out on the front porch, and then me and my wife go upstairs, drink Henessey, and explore each other with al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” massage oil! But I know LOTS of y’all love Halloween, so this is why we have my guest today. Here to give us some costume ideas, is the owner of Spooky city — your one-stop Halloween store — Please welcome Mr. Jake Pickler!

[ Jake Pickler comes out ]

Jake Pickler: It’s terrific to be here! Terrific!

Steve Harvey: Good to meet ‘ya! Hey there, Mr. Pickler!

Jake Pickler: It’s good to be here, Steve. It’s TERRIFIC to be here! Uhh, are you ready to have a little fun with Halloween costumes?

Steve Harvey: [ suspicious ] I feel like that’s a leading question.

Jake Pickler: Well, let’s try! Let’s try! Let’s just try. Uh… well… at spooky City, we’ve got HUNDREDS of costumes! My favorite involve… WORDPLAY!

Steve Harvey: Word Play?

Jake Pickler: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: What’s that? Like, when you find little words in your SOUP?!

Jake Pickler: Uh… uh… kind of, but not really. I’m thinking more like puns and riddles. so, you know, let’s okay a game: I’m gonna bring out one of my favorite punny costumes, and you’re gonna see if you can guess what they are!

Steve Harvey: A VAMPIRE!

Jake Pickler: No… no, you can’t guess yet. Uh, because I gotta bring it out first.

Steve Harvey: Oh, okay…

Jake Pickler: Okay, so bring out the first one!

[ a woman with a book over her head steps out ]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I know THIS one! They got someone in my neighborhood who looks just like this! That’s ol’ BOOK HEAD!

Jake Pickler: Uh… close, Steve. That’s close. Yuo got one word!

Steve Harvey: Encyclopedia Head!

Jake Pickler: No! No, you’re overthinking it, Steve! It’s, uh, it’s two things combined, but just tell me what you see!

Steve Harvey: Okay… I see a lady’s face…

Jake Pickler: That’s good!

Steve Harvey: And it’s sticking out of a… book!

Jake Pickler: Okay, now put it together!

Steve Harvey: So… BOOK FACE! Hey there, Book Face!

Jake Pickler: No! no, no, no! That’s so close! Now, just turn it around!

Steve Harvey: Book Ass?

Jake Pickler: No… no… no… That was a nice try. It’s Facebook! It’s Facebook, like the web site!

Steve Harvey: Web site?!

Jake Pickler: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: If she was a web site, where are all her W. W. W.’s?!

Jake Pickler: It’s wordplay! It’s wordplay!

Steve Harvey: No, it seems FISHY-to-me-play.

Jake Pickler: No, no, let’s go on to the next one!

[ the woman exits, as a man in a cereal box clutching a knife steps forward ]

Steve Harvey: [ recoiling ] Oh, damn! Look at this!

Jake Pickler: A little scary, right? It’s a phrase. Everybody knows it. Any fan of HORROR knows it!

Steve Harvey: Murder Box?

Jake Pickler: No. Who said “Murder Box”? No, be a little more specific, but EVERYBODY knows it!

Steve Harvey: Well, let me see here, uh… Jeffrey Dahmer Toast Crunch!

Jake Pickler: No… no, no, no, no!

Steve Harvey: John Wayne Gacy Grahams!

Jake Pickler: No, no, but you’re getting warmer. It’s a very popular phrase. Yuo said “box”! It’s a box of what?

Steve Harvey: [ slowly ] Cereal…

Jake Pickler: Exactly! Exactly! So what kind of cereal is it?

Steve Harvey: I don’t know! pour me a bowl!

Jake Pickler: It’s a Cereal Killer! It’s a Cereal Killer! You see? Isn’t that great?

Steve Harvey: Well, not for that man! He got to go to the bathroom inside a BOX!

Jake Pickler: Ugh! [ he nudges the box ] Okay, get out of here. Work with me, Steve! I think you’re gonna get the next one. You’re gonna get the next one. Come on!

[ a man and a woman wearing horns and dressed as eggs step forward ]

Steve Harvey: Ohhh, no! Look at these two. It’s Satan Breakfast!

Jake Pickler: No, no, no, no! It’s not Satan Breakfast.

Steve Harvey: Okay, I see… I see. They both got a trident —

Jake Pickler: Uh-huh.

Steve Harvey: That’s Eggs for King Poseidon.

Jake Pickler: Eggs for — What’s Eggs for–? No, Steve! Take a breath, you can get this! Just put two words together! Now, what food are they?

Steve Harvey: Eggs…

Jake Pickler: Good! Waht else do you see? [ he points to the devil horns ]

Steve Harvey: Let me see… Oh, I know! These are Eggs Gone Wild! Yeah! Satan got a hold of ’em, now they on video exposing they yolks! Don’t you go on that tour bus!

Jake Pickler: No… no, they’re Deviled Eggs! Deviled Eggs! yuo got horns on them…

Steve Harvey: I don’t like it. Evil eggs make me nervous!

Jake Pickler: Ohhh… well… Maybe they need an eggsorcism! [ he laughs ] Yeah! Come on!

Steve Harvey: [ stone-faced ] I don’t understand a damn thing about this man right here! When we come back, we gonna bring out celebrity minister T.D. Jakes, who gonna PRAY on these here eggs. Stay right here!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

A Message From the Department of Health & Human Services

Kathleen Sebelius…..Kate McKinnon
I.T. Guy…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on department seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the Department of Health & Human Services.

[ dissolve to Kathleen Sebelius ]

Kathleen Sebelius: Hello there, hi! I’m Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health under President Obama. Now, a lot of folks have been talking about our new health care enrollment website… how it’s been crashing and freezing and shutting down and stalling and not working and breaking and sucking.

Well, tonight, I have a number of friendly tips to help you deal with those technical problems. For example, have you tried restarting your computer? Sometimes it helps to turn the computer off, and then turn it back on! We don’t know why, it just does!

If our website still isn’t loading up properly, we’re probably just overloaded with traffic. Millions of Americans are visiting healthcare.gov, which is great news. Unfortunately, the site was only designed to handle six users at a time. So if you’re in a rush… [ she turns to reveal the website up on a computer screen ] Consider using our low-res website… [ she clicks button to “U WANT DOCTR?” screen ] With simpler fonts and graphics. Nice! Or, if the regular English site isn’t working… try signing up in a different language, like, say… Icelandic. [ she clicks to screen ] And then choose one of four simple plans: Fjordflug, Huegelhoffer, Trollish, or High-Five. Now that’s fun!

And if our site keeps freezing, we’ve also provided links to other helpful websites, such as kayak.com… where you can purchase airline tickets to Canada, and buy cheaper prescription drugs. Or how about bitTorrent, where you can download pirated copies of healthcare-related movies like “Patch Adams”! We also have links to a number of doctor-themed pornographic websites that should help you pass the time. Sites like “Docors Without Boundaries”… “Bang Ambulance”… “WebM DD’s”… and “Blue Cross Blue Balls.”

Still need guidance? Consult healthcare.gov’s Frequently Asked Questions, for topics like: “What The Hell?”, “How Have I Been On The Same Page For Three Hours?”, “Does ObamaCare Cover Mental Health Issues Causes By Using This Website?”, and our most frequently asked question: “Who The Government?”

Or you can contact us by mail. Just send a postcard with the word “HELP!” to “The U.S. Government. ATTN: Internet Problems, Washington, D.C.” And in six to eight weeks, you;ll receive an informational brochure. [ she holds up pamphlet: “So You Want To Do Computer?” ] Along with a trial version of Encarta Encyclopedia. Plus: 1,000 free hours of AOL! Just don’t install any of these programs while our website is running, or it WILL cause an actual fire.

So enjoy your new healthcare system, America! And be sure to Like Us on Facebook. [ she clicks a button to reveal the thumbs-up symbol ] Oh, look at that! We’re already up to THREE Likes! And I LIKE… that enthusiasm!

[ she clicks another button, accidentally starting a Virus Download ]

I.T.! Could we get someone from I.T. in here? We’ve got a problem.

[ I.T. Guy enters with a baseball bat and smashes the computer to pieces ]

I.T. Guy: FIXED IT!!

[ he exits ]

Kathleen Sebelius: Oh! Oh! And I almost forgot the most important thing of all. Whatever happens, do not… [ the screen freezes with a spinning rainbow circle, then finally resumes ] …or you WILL die. Thank you for listening, and “Live From New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders

Owen Wilson…..Edward Norton
Gwyneth Paltrow…..Noël Wells
Danny Glover…..Jay Pharoah
Son…..John Milhiser
Daughter…..Nasim Pedrad
Tilda Swinton…..Kate McKinnon
Anjelica Huston…..Cecily Strong
Jason Schwartzman…..Kyle Mooney
Adrien Brody…..Mike O’Brien
…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on movie trailer ]

[ fade onto exterior of house, with leaves rustling and a mysterious figure walking ]

Announcer: In theaters this Halloween… comes a new vision of horror like you’ve never seen before. From the twisted mind… of Wes Anderson.

[ zoom in on chainsaw-wielder waving ]

[ music: “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” ]

Announcer: It’s “The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders.”

[ cut to Owen Wilson peeking out of kitchen window ]

Announcer: Owen Wilson as a man in danger.

Owen Wilson: Wowww, what the heck? There’s a bunch of crazy people standing in our yard! Hey, hon? I think we’re about to get murdered.

Announcer: And his terrified wife: Gwyneth Paltrow.

[ pull back to reveal Gwyneth Paltrow leaning against wall in the hall, smoking a cigarette with great disinterest ]

Gwyneth Paltrow: You don’t say?

[ cut to doodle card ]

Announcer: In the face of unspeakable evil…

[ cut to Owen Wilson peeking out of window through a pair of binoculars ]

Owen Wilson: Yeahhhh, look at ’em all!

[ reveal what he sees ]

Owen Wilson: There’s a guy with an old record player… One’s carrying a falcon… There’s twins in matching track suits… Hey, look at that! That’s Danny Glover!

Danny Glover: Hello!

[ cut to a paper airplane floating through the window and into the living room, accompanies by classical violin music ]

Announcer: A tale… of handmade horror.

[ picking up the airplane and unfolding it ] Hey! They’ve sent us some kind of communicay.

Murderers V/O: “Dear Homeowner: Can we kill you? The Murderers.”

Owen Wilson V/O: [ typing ] “Dear Murderers: No you may not! The Homeowners.”

[ cut to doodle card ]

Announcer: The story of one determined father…

[ cut to Owen Wilson walking into front hall ]

Owen Wilson: Hey, kids! Come on, let’s go into the Panic Room! [ he sits inside of makeshift tent in the living room ]

[ cut to doodle card ]

Announcer: And his two precocious children.

Son: We’ll have to protect ourseives… or we’ll DIE!

Daughter: Quick. Let’s gather all our weapons.

[ reveal inventory one screen at a time ]

Daughter V/O: Rock Hammer. Swiss Army Knife. Slingshot. Firecrackers. Ship in a Bottle. Protractor. Picture of Edith Piaf. Assault Rifle. Little Flag.

[ the Murderer presses his knife into the flag and other weapons ]

Son: Darn!

Daughter: We should have left sooner.

[ reveal Owen Wilson, Gwyneth Paltrow and the children tied up ]

Announcer: With Tilda Swinton as… the Town Constable.

[ a knock at the door ]

Owen Wilson: Hey, wowww! We’re saved!

[ Town Constable enters ]

Town Constable: Who here are the Murderers?

[ the Murderers stab her from both sides ]

Town Constable: I see.

[ she falls down dead ]

Announcer: The New York Times calls it: “You had me at ‘Wes Anderson.'” Fangoria Magazine says: “Da Fuh?”

[ cut to clips of the cast ]

Announcer: Owen Wilson. Gwyneth Paltrow. Angelica Huston. Jason Schwartzman. Adrien Brody. Stop-Motion Mouse. And Alec Baldwin as… The Narrator.

[ cut to exterior of house, as Murderers run past ]

Announcer: “The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders.”

Stop-Motion Mouse: Rated G!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4

13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

Stranger Danger

Teacher…..Kate McKinnon
Officer Rosen…..Edward Norton
Shalon…..Nasim Pedrad
Student #1…..Aidy Bryant
Student #2…..Noel Wells
Student #3…..Kenan Thompson
Student #4…..Bobby Moynihan
Student #5…..John Milhiser

[ open on Astoria Elementary School ]

[ dissolve to classroom ]

Teacher: Okay, okay, okay! “When my hand goes up…”

Class: “The chatter goes DOWN!!”

Teacher: Oh, yay. Class, this is Officer Rosen, from the Irvine Cops & Classrooms program. He’s going to be talking to you today about Stranger Awareness.

Officer Rosen: Mmm-hmm!

Teacher: So be courteous and still. Yay for this! I’m gonna go sit in my car and make an adult phone call.

[ Teacher exits the classroom ]

Officer Rosen: Alright, good morning, guys!

Class: Good morning, Officer Rosen!!

Officer Rosen: Okay.

Shalon: A cop in a windbreaker?! That’s a cool look, man!

Officer Rosen: Oh. Well, thank you… thank you. Now, I want to talk to you kids today about something that I call “Stranger Danger.” Sometimes, especially now around Halloween, you know, you may find yourself in a situation where you’re confronted by a stranger without a parent or a guardian nearby.

Shalon: So far, so goooooood!

Officer Rosen: Okay. Now, let’s say a man — he pulls up into the school parking lot, and he’s in a van, and he offers you some candy?

Shalon: Oooooohh! I like candy!

Officer Rosen: Uhhhh… well, we all like candy. But, the question is: What should you do?

Shalon: Whatever it takes to GET THAT CANDY!!

Officer Rosen: Now, wait a minute! Wait a minute, wait a minute. The man… he says to you, that what you have to do is get into his van to have that candy.

Shalon: GET IN THAT VA-A-A-A-ANNN!!

Officer Rosen: No! No, no! No, no! No! I’m sorry. It’s on me! It’s on me! I should have clarified: The MAN… is a STRANGER! You don’t know the man.

Shalon: Okay! So, then, you go: “What’s your name? I’m Shalon. Where are you from? I’m from Orange County.” Everything checks out, then hop into that van and GET THAT CANDY!!

Student #1: Ohhhhhh, I get it! So if you introduce yourself to a stranger, they’re not a stranger any more!

Officer Rosen: What?! No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! That’s wrong! That’s wrong! I’m sorry, now what was your name? [ he points to Shalon ]

Shalon: Shalon!

Officer Rosen: Okay. So, Shalon here is, uh, clearly misinformed… but she sounds very confident, and that might be throwing some of the rest of you off. The bottom line, guys, is that you should NEVER, EVER talk to strangers.

Shalon: Whoa, whoa, hold up! I can’t TALK to him?! I mean, I’m shilling in this dude’s SWEET van, eating all his candy, and I’m supposed to just SIT there in total silence?! That is classic BAD MANNERS, man!

Student #2: Yeah! That’s DISRESPECTFUL, Officer Rosen!

Student #3: Yeah, you’re MEAN, Sir!

Officer Rosen: [ fuming ] Okay, guys… When I say “Don’t talk to strangers”… That INCLUDES not getting into the van!

Shalon: Mr. Officer, listen — Let’s back this thing up! There is CANDY involved! Huh? Now, for me, I am ALL about candy! And if all I have to do to GET said candy is hang out in a van… I am NOW all about VANS!!

Student #4: Yes! Shalon’s right. I’m starting to see vans in a whole new way now. Do you know how much CANDY you can fit in a VAN?!!

Shalon: Right!

Student #3: [ looking out the window ] Hey, you guys — There’s a van parked out in the street! If it’s there after school, let’s all approach the driver for candy!

Officer Rosen: No, no! NO!! No, no… DON’T do that!

Student #5: [ raising his hand ] Officer Rosen? Because of you: When I grow up, I want to drive a van and pass out candy to kids. I LOVE VANS!!

Shalon: [ impressed ] Wo-ow! BIG day for vans!

Officer Rosen: Wait, wait, wait! What?! What? Okay, I — I — I think that everybody here may have less of a handle on strangers than before I walked in. [ he sighs heavily ] That’s not a good thing. Shalon? Can you come up here? Help me out. [ she runs up ] These guys obviously look up to you. Are you the leader in the class, or something?

Shalon: Unofficial, no title, but that seems pretty accurate, yeah!

Officer Rosen: Okay. Shalon and I are gonna do a scenario.

Shalon: Okay. It’s Shalon, again…

Officer Rosen: Shalon, we’re gonna do a SCENARIO!! No CANDY in this one!! And there’s no vans, either, okay?

Student #4: [ stunned ] No VANS?? Woof! I already HATE this!

Officer Rosen: Guys! Guys! Just please, please pretend I’m a MAN… who walks up to your friend, Shalon, in a park — and remember, it’s NOT safe to talk to strangers, okay? So I come up and I say, “Hey, little girl… you wanna get in my van?”

Shalon: “You’re probably a friend of my Dad’s! Let’s go!”

Officer Rosen: NO!! NO, NO!! Hey, look! I’m NOT — I am a TOTAL STRANGER to you!!

Shalon: Well… I don’t know all of my Dad’s friends! I don’t even know my DAD!!

Officer Rosen: [ exasperated ] I’m NOT… a FRIEND… of your FATHER!!

Shalon: Oh… Wait! So are you playing my Dad? “Oh, what’s up, Dad! I get why you left, Mom is a mess…”

Student #1: Shalon’s interacting with her Dad, guys!

Class: YAYYYYYYY!!!!

Officer Rosen: I’M NOT HER DAD!!!

Student #4: BE A MAN, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHILD!!

Officer Rosen: She’s not — SHE’S NOT MY DAMN CHILD!!! Now, look — listen!! Can’t anybody even name a SINGLE thing that was wrong with this scenario?!!

Student #4: Ummmmm, let me think… There were no VANS!!

Student #2: And no candy!

Student #3: And the guy playing the Dad SUCKED!!

Student #4: Yeah! But Shalon was AWESOME!!

Class: YEAH!! SHA-LON!! SHA-LON!! SHA-LON!!

Shalon: Yeah, I guess you could say I’m the vans of acting!

Officer Rosen: Yeah, okay… You know what I can say? I think we’re DONE here! [ he throws pamphlets across the desk ] Here’s soem pamphlets! Read them! I’m heading for the precinct house before I TAZE the LOT of you!!

[ he storms out the door, as the Teacher returns ]

Teacher: Well, that was fast. I don’t have any lesson plans for the rest of the day.

Student #3: Well… can we go outside and look for me in vans?

Teacher: Sure. Just make sure y’all have a buddy.

Class: YAYYYYYYY!!!

[ the students run out of the classroom ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


November 2nd, 2013

Kerry Washington

Eminem

None

Al Sharpton

Rick Rubin

Skylar Grey

None
Oval OfficeSummary: In order to address “SNL”‘s lack of diversity with having a black woman in the cast, Kerry Washington attempts quick costume changes in order to perform different impressions during a White House sketch.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Michell Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Matthew McConaughey.

Transcript

Montage

Kerry Washington’s MonologueSummary: While trying to discuss her visit to New York City, Kerry Washington is called upon to help various “SNL” cast members perform damage control on scandals of their own.

Transcript

Career WeekSummary: Heshi Al-Fahi (Nasim Pedrad) uses corny sound effects and an uppity assistant named Tammy (Kerry Washington) to motivate students in the pursuit of middling career goals.

My GirlSummary: In a music video parody, a girl (Kerry Washington) catches her man (Jay Pharoah) texting other women and saving butt photos on his cellphone, and has her say about it.

How’s He DoingSummary: Black panelists (Jay Pharoah, Kerry Washington) are once again willing to re-elect President Barack Obama no matter what offbeat scenarios are presented by the show’s host (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Ronny Williams.

Miss Universe Moscow 2013Summary: Stereotypical beauty queens compete for worldwide recognition.

Transcript

Eminem with Rick Rubin performs “Berzerk”

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: German Chancellor Angela Merkel (Kate McKinnon) doesn’t like her cell phone being spied on by the NSA. Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson), Shaquille O’Neal (Jay Pharoah) discuss the new NBA season.

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Shaquille O’Neal.

Cartoon CatchphrasesSummary: While phoning her husband (Brooks Wheelan) to assist with answer to game show clue, Diane (Aidy Bryant) discovers that he’s having an affair with many women.

Transcript

Fall CarnivalSummary: At the Booker T. Washington High Fall Carnival, Principal Frye (Jay Pharoah) interrupts with announcements as first-year teacher Miss Terry (Kerry Washington) takes a beating in the Dunk Tank.

Recurring Characters: Principal Frye, Steve Kane, Teacher.

Transcript

Eminem with Skylar Grey performs “Survival”

Date or DissSummary: Sensible young man (Taran Killam) much choose between three grossly-mismatched potential dates (Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant, Kerry Washington).

Ice CreamSummary: When a man (Beck Bennett) makes a joke while ordering ice cream, it gives the clerk (Kyle Mooney) too much to think about it.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts