Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 9th, 2010

Charles Barkley

Alicia Keys

None

Lorne Michaels

Jessi Klein

John Lutz

Hannibal Buress

The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Jason Sudeikis) calls attention to a disjointed United States-Yemen joint press conference between General David Petraeus (Will Forte) and Ali Abdullah Saleh (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Petraeus.

Montage

Charles Barkley’s MonologueSummary: Charles Barkley tears the audience apart while assuring them that he’s a brutally honest guy who doesn’t hold anything back.

Transcript

Thomas Peepers InsuranceSummary: Insurance representative (Bill Hader) will keep a watchful eye on your family, night and day.

Transcript

Reel QuotesSummary: Game show contestants (Charles Barkley, Kristen Wiig) are unable to complete the world’s most familiar and obvious movie quotes.

Transcript

MacGruber ISummary: MacGruber’s (Will Forte) racist jokes don’t go over well with Darrell (Charles Barkley).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Sexy ShanaSummary: Shana (Kristen Wiig) at a ski lodge.

Recurring Characters: Shana.

Transcript

MacGruber IISummary: After being forced to take racial sensitivity training, MacGruber (Will Forte) tries to avoid using the word “Black” — in any context whatsoever — around Darrell (Charles Barkley).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Inside the NBASummary: Kevin Harlan (Jason Sudeikis) and Charles Barkley are joined in the booth by Danny Hoover (Andy Samberg), the Make-a-Wish recipient who suffers from OCD — Overwhelming Corpse Disease.

Recurring Characters: Danny Hoover.

MacGruber IIISummary: After visiting Africa to get in touch with his inner Negro, MacGruber (Will Forte) smoothes things over with Darrell (Charles Barkley), but still manages to overreact.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Alicia Keys performs “Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) rebuts the Republican response on the Christmas bombing attack. Nicholas Cage (Andy Samberg) rambles while discussing his newly-appointed duties as Goodwill Ambassador on Drugs & Crime. Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen) comments on his angry State on the State address and continues to make fun of New Jersey.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Nicholas Cage, Gov. David Paterson.

The Haney ProjectSummary: Hank Haney (Jason Sudeikis) tries to help Charles Barkley improve his golf swing by examining his humorous ineptitude while performing other normal tasks.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Alicia Keys makes a drunken “Booty Call” to Lionel (Andy Samberg).

Alicia Keys performs “Empire State of Mind”

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmate Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and his father (Charles Barkley) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight via obscure movie references.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Barkley’s BankSummary: Charles Barkley’s investment plan is simple — he’ll apply it to his personal gambling habit to ensure that you’ll either double yout money or lose it altogether.

Note: This sketch ran short on time during the live broadcast.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Devil or AngelSummary: When a sports fan (Jason Sudeikis) bets on a ball game, an Angel (Kenan Thompson) and a Devil (Charles Barkley) appear on his shoulders to offer counsel.

Small TalkSummary: Kristen Chenoweth (Nasim Pedrad) chats about her petite size on her new talk show.

Grief CounselorSummary: Grief counselor (Charles Barkley) tries to cheer up an office staff.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Barkley’s Bank

Announcer…..Bill Hader
…..Charles Barkley
Elderly Husband…..Fred Armisen
Elderly Wife…..Jenny Slate

Announcer: Barclay’s Bank. For over 150 years, Barclay’s Bank has offered services tailored to specifically meet the services of its customers worldwide. With financial strategies that reflect the financial spectrum—

INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE

[ Former Phoenix Suns MVP CHARLES BARKLEY, in a swank suit & tie, is reclined in a large, leather chair. ]

Charle sBarkley: BO-RING! Hi, I’m Charles Barkley. And if you’re looking for a new way to manage your money, perhaps you should try Barkley’s Bank.

EXT. SHOT OF BARKLEY’S BANK AND ITS LOGO IN TURQUOISE GREEN WITH THE FACE OF CHARLES.

Charles Barkley: At Barkley’s Bank, it’s simple — I promise you I’m going to do two things — I’m either going to double it or lose it all. And that’s a promise.

INT. STUDIO

An ELDERLY COUPLE are seated side-by-side, holding hands.

Elderly Husband: We we’re planning on retirement and heard Barkley had doubled the money on some friends of ours.

Elderly Wife: We gave a large sum of money to Barkley’s Bank and the only question he had was “What’s your favorite color?”

Elderly Husband: We said blue, but then he clarified and said “What’s your favorite color between black or red.”

Elderly Wife: We said black, and 10 minutes later he called to say that our life savings was gone.

Elderly Husband: Very nice guy. Very honest.

INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE

Charles Barkley: Hey! You win some you lose some. That’s our motto.

[ The camera pans out to show more of Barkley’s Bank, but due to time constraints, the Barkley’s Bank logo appears then fades to a commercial break. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Goodnights

…..Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley: Hey! I want to give a special thanks to Ms. Alicia Keys! It’s been a great week with you guys. Thank y’all for coming, and thanks again.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
He has a Black employee now!”

[CUT to MacGruber and Darrell in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a chemical weapons steamer. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Chemical Weapons Steamer.” CUT to a sign marked “Steamer Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is magnet shut! We’re trapped!!

Vicky: That’s not our ONLY problem, MacGruber! From the looks of that nitrogen bomb, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, Vicky. Chill, Dar-rell. You’ll have plenty of time to relax — and to chill, Dar-rell — once we get out of here — once we scram, Dar-rell.

Darrell: It’s pronounced Darrell.

MacGruber: [ he chuckles heartily ] Oh, like a White Darrell?

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGyver: Okay! Uh — Vicky — hand me that Allen wrench!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Dar-rell!

Darrell: DARRELL!!

MacGruber: Funk me over that copper wire! Outta sight?

Darrell: [ he hands it over ] It’s Darrell.

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Hand me that stir stick!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Dar-rell!

Darrell: It’s DARRELL!!

MacGruber: Jab me over that fly shoelace! You dig?

Darrell: [ he hands it over ] MacGruber, I don’t know if this is working out…

MacGruber: That reminds me of a good joke. [ Vicky shakes her head No ] What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Black…?

Darrell: MacGruber…

MacGruber: Excuse me — a Black African-American. Mo’ better?

Darrell: Y-yeah. Mo’ better.

MacGruber: Okay. If you cross a Mexican with a Black African-American, and a Jew, and a woman… what do you get?

[ Darrell and Vicky are silent ]

MacGruber: I don’t know! But I sure don’t want that person to move in next door to m–

[CUT to the chemical weapons steamer exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
His haemless little joke really got him into trouble!
MacGruber!
He had to take some [bleep]ing class because of stupid corporate bull[bleep]!
MacGruber!
He makes his jokes in private now!”

[CUT to MacGruber telling a private joke to Vicky as Darrell walks up, against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to insurgent cave system. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Insurgent Cave System.” CUT to a sign marked “Cave Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! By the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang! And, when I say “gang”, I’m not insinuating that anyone here is a Crip or a Blood, or in any other Black gang. Or a White gang — Whites could have gangs, too. Right, Dar-rell?

Darrell: IT’S DARRELL!!!

MacGruber: Sho ’nuff! But, look — If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the sensitivity training classes that I was forced to go to… it’s that, regardless of the color of our skins, we can all… work… together!

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, uhh — Vicky! Hand me that screw!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Dar-rell — respectfully — hand me that pen.

Darrell: [ looking down ] Which pen?

MacGruber: That one! Right there!

[ reveal three pens — yellow, red, and black ]

Darrell: I can’t tell which one you’re pointing at! Be more specific!

MacGruber: That one! The — uh — uh — African-American pen!

Darrell: What?!

MacGruber: I’m sorry! The — uh — Negro pen? [ Darrell frowns ] Uhhh — Begro-American pen?

Darrell: Just call it a BLACK pen!

MacGruber: Oh! So now it’s fly and rap to call it a Black pen? But, earlier, it was square?

Darrell: Here! Just take the pen! [ he forces the black pen over to MacGruber ]

MacGruber: [ panicking ] HE’S GOT A GUN!!!

[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace ]

Vicky: MACGRUBER!!

MacGruber: What?! He — he charged me! He’s obviously on PCP! I mean, look at his eyes, they’re all bloodshot!

Vicky: You MACED him!!

Darrell: You are SUCH a RACIST!!

MacGruber: I am NOT a racist!!

Vicky: Three seconds, MacGruber!!

MacGruber: Okay, okay! Vicky! Hand me that Chinese pen! Uh — uh — that Asian pen — the yellow pen! [ he pauses ] I’m a racist…

[CUT to the cave exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
He took a couple months off and did a lot of soul-searching!
MacGruber!
He spent some time in Africa and learned about their culture!
MacGruber!
He’s Facebook friends with Spike Lee!”

[CUT to MacGyver signing Spike Lee’s Facebook page.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to heroin czar headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Heroin Czar Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Heroin Czar Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door won’t budge!

Vicky: There’s MORE, MacGruber! That ticking time bomb is set to blow in twenty seconds!!

[ reveal MacGruver dressed in an African dashiki ]

MacGruber: Okay, look — before we start here, I’ve got something I want to say. [ Darrell looks on ] THe road towards enlightment takes many turns. Unfortunately, mine took me straight to you, Dar-rell.

Darrell: That’s Darrell.

MacGruber: And it is with GREAT pleasure… that I announce that, in two Mondays, for the FIRST time ever, we will be taking the day off to celebrate the life of a man I consider to be my PERSONAL hero — Dr. Martin Rufus King.

Darrell: That’s Luther.

MacGruber: D’oh! Right! Luther! You’re Rufus.

Darrell: I’m Darrell.

MacGruber: Whatever. Look —

Vicky: Fifteen seconds.

MacGruber: I know I have a ways to go, Dar-rell… but I’m headed in the right direction. So, put ‘er there!

[ MacGruber extends his hand; Darrell looks on, unsure; Vicky smiles ]

[ unfortunately, Darrell goes for it ]

MacGruber: [ panicking ] Agghh!! HE’S GOT A GUN!!

[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace once again ]

[CUT to the heroin czar headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

…..Charles Barkley
…..Lorne Michaels
Male Audience Member #1…..John Lutz
Female Audience Member…..Jessi Klein
Male Audience Member #2…..Hannibal Buress
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Barkley!

Charles Barkley: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hey — it’s great to be hosting “SNL” again. I hosted sixteen years ago. Back then, I was in great shape, I was coming off a MVP season with the Phoenix Suns… Now, I play bad golf, drink, and sometimes I get arrested.

Hey, we’re starting a little late because of the football game. Now, I’m not mad. I’m actually in a better mood — I just won twenty grand on the game. Sorry, pal!

[ cut to Lorne Michaels, grinning ]

Nice job, Cowboys!

But I’m real happy to be here tonight, because, quite frankly, they don’t have too many Black hosts on “Saturday Night Live”. Mostly, they have White hosts — and I checked. In the past year, they’ve had ONE. Two, if you count The Rock — but he’s not Black, he’s Samoan. So that’s ONE out of thirty-two. That’s the same ratio of Black people to White people that went to see “It’s Complicated”.

Hey — I’m just trying to be honest. That’s why people love me: I’m outspoken, I say what’s on my mind — even if people don’t like it. I’ll give you an example. Let’s just take this guy:

[ Barkley acknowledges a man in the audience wearing a loud shirt ]

He’s got the ugliest shirt I’ve EVER seen! [ the man scoffs with a smile ] But, you know what? He came to the show anyway!

And, look at this lady right here. Stand up, darling.

[ the woman in the audience stands ]

Look at you — you’re pretty, in a kind of Jewish way.

Woman in Audience: Thanks!

Charles Barkley: You look like a nice girl, but you’re a freak, aren’t you?

Woman in Audience: No.

Charles Barkley: Come on! You’re a freak! I’ve been in NBA a long time — I know a freaky White girl when I see one.

[ she sits ]

Charles Barkley: Look up there. Hey! What’s your name, my brother?

Man in Audience #2: [ he stands ] Michael.

Charles Barkley: How does it feel to be the only other brother in the room, with 500 people?

Man in Audience #2: Uh — it’s okay, I guess…

Charles Barkley: Look at us: A handsome Hall of Fame millionaire, and a Black nerd!

[ the man sits ]

Charles Barkley: There’s nothing sadder than a Black nerd. What’s your name?

Man in Audience #2: Michael.

Charles Barkley: Look more like an Urkel. Hey — where in the Hell is Kenan Thompson at?

[ Kenan ambles forward ]

Kenan Thompson: Heey, you’re looking for me?

Charles Barkley: Yeah. DO it!

Kenan Thompson: Do… what?

Charles Barkley: Do ME!! I’ve been WATCHING! Do ME!!

Kenan Thompson: [ petrified ] You’re Charles Barkley… [ he clears his throat and begins ] “Hey — can somebody give me some Krispy Kremes? I wanna share them with my Black, nerdy friend!”

[ the audience cheers ]

Charles Barkley: Hey! That’s funny!

Kenan Thompson: [ stoked ] That WAS funny, wasn’t it? [ he reaches out to Barkley for a high-five ]

Charles Barkley: Uh, no, no — it’s not that funny.

[ Kenan makes his exit ]

Charles Barkley: Hey — we’ve got a great show tonight. Some of it is great. Actually, some of it we’re gonna do anyway. But Alicia Keys is here, and she’s DEFINITELY great. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Thomas Peepers Insurance

Insurance Representative…..Bill Hader
Dad…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughters…..Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad

[ open on old film footage of a young couple holding their newborn baby beneath the Christmas tree ]

Insurance Representative V/O: We’re there for the beginnings…

[ cut to old film footage of a young child’s birthday ]

Insurance Representative V/O: We’re there when your cake is frosted, and when the face is frosted.

[ cut to more recent film footage of two sisters before their high school graduation ]

Insurance Representative V/O: We’re an insurance company that’s there for all the special days.

[ cut to more recent footage of the two sisters sprawled in bed reading a magazine together ]

Insurance Representative V/O: And for all the nights in between.

[ pull back to reveal an insurance representative peeking through the window, as he turns to address the camera ]

Insurance Representative: We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance. And we know that you’re okay, because we’re watching you. If you need us, we’ll be there for you — even in the middle of the night. [ he peeks back inside the girls’ bedroom ] Especially in the middle of the night. How does an insurance com–

[ suddenly, a floodlight fills the exterior, and a dog begins to bark. The insurance representative makes a run for it, cursing ]

[ the girls look up from their bedroom ]

[ the insurance company manages to evade the dog and stops along the back porch to continue his pitch for the camera ]

Insurance Representative: How does an insurance company like Thomas Peepers work? We get that a lot. Unlike other insurance companies, there’s no premiums. YOU pay NOTHING! But WE’RE still THERE!

[ reveal young couple kissing, as the insurance representative looks on from behind the window ]

Insurance Representative V/O: — for that first kiss —

[ reveal Thomas looking through the window on a ladder as the teenaged girl steps out of the shower ]

Insurance Representative V/O: — when you’re getting in the shower —

[ the insurance representative raises an eyebrow ]

[ cut to Mom unclogging the kitchen drain ]

Insurance Representative V/O: — when you’re unclogging that especially clogged drain.

[ return to insurance representative standing at the back of the house ]

Insurance Representative: We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance. And we’re keeping an eye… on you.

[ a police siren flashes ]

[ the insurance representative makes another run for it across the lawn, in the path of a vicious dog ]

Insurance Representative: Dammit!

[ title slide ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Reel Quotes

Reg Barnaby…..Bill Hader
Sam Jefferson…..Charles Barkley
Rebecca Lumpin…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on game show set, with title card superimposed on screen ]

Announcer: It’s time for “Reel Quotes”!

Reg Barnaby: Alright, welcome to “Reel Quotes”, the game show that tests your knowledge of famous lines of movie dialogue. I’m your host, Reg Barnaby. Let’s meet our contestants. He manages a Blockbuster in Baltimore, Maryland — Sam Jefferson!

Sam Jefferson: It’s good to be here! [ he waves to the cheering audience ]

Reg Barnaby: So, you manage a Blockbuster? I bet that’s gonna come in handy.

Sam Jefferson: If you say so, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: [ chuckling ] And, from Tacoma, Washington — she’s a schoolteacher — Rebecca Lumpin!

Rebecca Lumpin: It’s so great to be somewhere, Reg!

Reg Barnaby: [ mulling that over ] O-kay. Well, let’s play the game “Reel Quotes”. I will read the beginning of a famous movie quote. First one to buzz in and complete it, wins the points. First quote. From the film “Cool Hand Luke”: “What we have here, is a failure to…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Reg Barnaby: Sam!

Sam Jefferson: “Launch!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: Incorrect.

Sam Jefferson: But that’s a movie!

Reg Barnaby: Well, “Failure to Launch” is a movie, but it does not complete the quote.

Sam Jefferson: Seems like a grey area, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: Well, it’s… it’s not. Rebecca! “What we have here, is a failure to…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “A failure to get along. But that doesn’t mean we won’t see eye to eye. one of these days, so let’s not burn any bridges, and just agree to disagree. I bid you adieu, God free!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ momentarily speechless ] That’s incorrect. The right answer was “a failure to communicate.

Rebecca Lumpin: Oh, right! From “Spartacus”.

Reg Barnaby: No. No, no. From “Cool Hand…”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Luke!”

Reg Barnaby: That wasn’t one of our questions.

Sam Jefferson: [ beaten ] Again, Reg… that’s a grey area.

Reg Barnaby: The next famous line is from the film “A Few Good Men”. It was famously delivered by Jack Nicholson, and the line is: “You can’t handle…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “My privates!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: Incorrect.

Sam Jefferson: Be that as it may — you cannot handle them, so keep your hands to yourself!

Reg Barnaby: No one was asking!

Sam Jefferson: You can never be too safe, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: Rebecca? “You can’t handle…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “You can’t handle your licquor… and, if you don’t leave me and my girlfriends alone, I’m gonna have a word with the management, Buster Brown!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ he sighs ] Incorrect. You thought that was a famous line from the military courtroom drama “A Few Good Men”?

Rebecca Lumpin: Yes, I did. And I still do.

Reg Barnaby: I was looking for “the truth.”

Sam Jefferson: I TOLD you the truth! “You can’t handle my privates!”

Reg Barnaby: Okay! Alright, very funny. Very good, very good. Alright. Next up: The 1975 film, “Jaws”. Upno seeing the shark for the first time, Roy Scheider uttered the unforgettable line: “We’re gonna need a bigger…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Shark!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: No! You see, he saw the shark. It was so big, he thought they were gonna need a bigger…?

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Shark bag!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ disgusted ] Think “water”.

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Ocean!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: “We’re gonna need a bigger ocean“?

Sam Jefferson: Yeah! If you get a bigger ocean, it’s gonna make the shark seem smaller. THen, the joke would be on the shark!

Reg Barnaby: No! Rebecca. “We’re gonna need a bigger…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “We’re gonna need a bigger house… if we intend to start a family, and intend to start a family, we do! With three girls, three boys, and an adoptive child of sex yet to be determined. Oh, no! All this talk about family made me forget to return my library books!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ fuming ] I was looking for “boat”.

Sam Jefferson: Then, YOU should go to a marina!

Reg Barnaby: I’M not looking for a boat!

Sam Jefferson: Reg, you gotta stop talking in riddles.

Reg Barnaby: The quote was “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”, because the shark was so big, that the original boat wasn’t big e-nough!

Sam Jefferson: Hey, that sounds like a good movie! I’m gonna have to see that one one day!

Reg Barnaby: You manage a Blockbuster, and you haven’t seen “Jaws”?

Sam Jefferson: No! I manage Block Busters. We’re a demolition company that specializes in restoring entire city blocks.

[ Reg starts breathing heavily ]

Reg Barnaby: In the 1989 film “Field of Dreams”, Kevin Costner utters the line: “If you build it…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “We will knock it down!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: What?

Sam Jefferson: That’s the slogan for “Block Busters”! “If You Build It, We Will Knock It Down”! Look. [ he turns around to reveal the slogan on his back ]

Reg Barnaby: Very good. [ a siren goes off ] Alright, that noise means it’s the end of the round. You each have… zero points. But Sam advances because it seems he has a slightly better sense of what QUOTES are. Sorry, Rebecca.

Rebecca Lumpin: [ pleasantly ] Sorry for what?

Reg Barnaby: [ he whistles ] Come on down, Sam. Come on. [ Sam steps over ] Alright. Okay, it’s time for the Speed Round. Completely as many quotes as possible as fast as you can. And, here we go. “Houston, we have a…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Arby’s”!

Reg Barnaby: No! “I see [blank] people.”

Sam Jefferson: “TWO people! You and Rebecca!”

Reg Barnaby: NO! “Life is like a box of…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Dead people!”

Reg Barnaby: “May the force be…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Equal to Mass times Acceleration!”

Reg Barnaby: How do you know that?

Sam Jefferson: I’m not a dummy, I just haven’t seen a lot of movies.

Reg Barnaby: Then, why’d you come on a show called “Reel Quotes”?

Sam Jefferson: I actually thought it was about fishing.

Reg Barnaby: Fishing quotes?

Sam Jefferson: Yeah! Like “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”?

Reg Barnaby: Alright, that’s it — we’re done! [ he attempts to tear his cards in half, but is unsuccessful ] Alright, let’s just stand here and wait for the buzzer. [ the buzzer sounds ] Alright! And that’s all the time we have on “Reel Quotes”. Until next time, “Here’s looking at you, kid!”

Sam Jefferson: You shouldn’t be looking at kids, Reg…

Reg Barnaby: That is a quote from a movie! That is a quote from a movie!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Shana

Shana….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Jergs….Charles Barkley
Gretchen….Jenny Slate
Kid 1….Kenan Thompson
Kid 2….Will Forte
Kid 3….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a top view of a ski lodge, snow all around. Cut to inside a cabin. Three guys sit and drink in a couch. Gretchen, the only girl in the room is there]

Kid 3: Man, this is the best retreat yet. I can’t believe Mr. Jergs took us all skiing.

Kid 1: Yes. And to have this private party for us in the lodge? Man, he went all out.

Kid 2: Hey Gretchen. Where is that sassy girl Shana?

Gretchen: Ugh, is that all you guys ever talk about? Shana?

Kid 3: I saw her from behind on the bunny slopes today. I tell you, it was a sight to see.

Kid 1: I hope she’s coming to this thing.

Kid 2: Me too. If you know what I mean.

Kid 1: I do know what you mean!

Kid 3: I know what you mean as well.

Gretchen:[fed up] God! She’ll be here!

[Mr. Jergs enters the room]

Mr. Jergs: Hey guys. How is everybody doing?

Gretchen: Look Mr. Jergs. [a tray] I made your favorite. Chocolate covered strawberries from scratch.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, thanks. Where’s Shana?

Gretchen: She’s coming.

Mr. Jergs: Terrific. Wonderful.

[Sexy hard body Shana enters the room, the kids all get up]

Shana: [sexy voice] Hey, everyone. I’m sorry I’m late for this little get-together.

Mr. Jergs: Shana. I am so happy to see you.

Shana: By the way Mr. Jergs, that looks like a very cozy, cushy, mushy sweater.

Mr. Jergs: It is cozy. I mean, cushy, soft, whatever. Thick, you just got me all flustered.

[Gretchen has a sourpuss face]

Kid 1: That is one hot piece of fruit.

Kid 2: She is fantastic.

Kid 3: Damn right, double sexy y’all.

Shana: Is it warm in here? Or is it because I’m wearing a jacket inside?

Gretchen: It is because you’re wearing a jacket inside.

Shana: Oh, then guess I better take it off. [pulls zipper down playfully and takes jacket off in a sexy manner] Ooooohhh.

Mr. Jergs: Hubba-hubba.

Kid 1: I want her to do that again.

Kid 2: I wish she had a second jacket under that jacket that she could take off for us.

Kid 3: Me too as well.

Gretchen: You know, why don’t one of you go fix the fire? It looks like its about to go out.

Shana: Ooohh wee, I’m jealous. I want to do it. Its so funny how you don’t want fire in your house but when its in your fireplace its ok.

[Gretchen hard looks, kids horny looks]

Mr. Jergs: That is true. Well, go fix it if you want to.

Shana: Can I? Oooohhh, ooohhh, ooohhh, ooohhh,. Sorry, guess I got a little excited there. Ok. Here I go.

Kid 1: Oh, this is gonna be good.

[Shana blows on the fire like a monkey, legs bending and grunts while she does it]

Kid 1: [turned off] Man, that was not what I thought it was gonna be.

Kid 2: No, it was not.

Kid 3: That was not sexy.

Mr. Jergs: You guys wouldn’t know sexy if it sat on your face and say “where’s my butt”?

Shana:[sexy voice] Oooohhh, hot chocolate. Well, there’s too much whipped cream to take a sip.

Kid 1: [excited] Lick it off. You can just lick it off.

Kid 2: Lick it off.

Shana: I better suck a little off the top.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, that’s it.

[Shana takes the hot chocolate and slurps disgustingly, gags, clears throat, sips loud, spits it back in the cup]

Shana: Oh, I did it.

Mr. Jergs: Yes, you did.

Kid 1: [disturbed] Did she now?

Gretchen: My strawberries are being passed around if anyone wants them. [Gretchen passes the tray of strawberries, the kids pay no attention to it] Would you like a strawberry Mr. Jergs?

Mr. Jergs: Yes I do. For Shana. [gives strawberry to Shana]

Shana: Oh, I can’t. And I won’t tell you why. But if I did, its a big fun happening story.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, we love happening stories.

Kid 1: We sure do.[Kids agree]

Shana:[sexier voice] Well listen to this. My doctor says I can’t eat strawberries cause of all the little seeds. See, they get stuck in my intestine wall cause I got pockets in there. And then they fill up and form clumps that go rotten and get real hard and stinky.

[Kids got disgusted faces]

Kid 1: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Mr. Jergs: Hey man. She’s a human being. I love her open sexiness.

Shana: Oh, look. A place to dance and a stereo. I think I’m gonna turn it on. Rock my body.

[Hot dance music plays]

Mr. Jergs: What a great… what a great idea. I love watching people solo-dance.

Kid 1: All right. Now, this is more like it.

Shana: Oh, I wish this pole wouldn’t have a garland on it. I could show you what I learned in my skip and sweat pants.

Mr. Jergs: Let me help you with that. [Mr. Jergs takes off garland from pole]

[Shana dances like an ape. She grunts and rubs her butt on the pole like a chimp in heat. She grabs the pole and grunts intensely]

[Kids are extremely turned off]

Mr. Jergs: That was superior.

Kid 2: Ok. I’m gonna go sit outside in the snow.

Kid 1: I’m gonna go with you.

Kid 3: Me too as well. Thanks a lot, Gretchen.

[Kids leave, Gretchen follows, Mr. Jergs gives her that tray of strawberries]

Mr. Jergs: Hey, take this with you. Shana, I think I’m gonna rent a snowmobile. Would you like to travel around the lodge in circles with me?

Shana: Ooohh, I don’t know what to say. And when I don’t know what to say I giggle. [little giggle] Excuse me, its not my real laugh. [grotesque laugh] Argh, arrrgghh, arghhh, arrrghh!!!!

Mr. Jergs: You are a polished diamond.

Shana: So are you. Ooops, its funny. I just realized a bunch of tiny little turds squeezed out when I did that last dance. Oooh, I pooped my ski pants. I turded all inside my ski pants. [leaves]

Mr. Jergs: That is a woman that can hold my interest for a long time.

[Mr. Jergs follows Shana]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts