Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

The Big Three Automakers

C-SPAN announcer…..Jim Downey
Barney Frank…..Fred Armisen
Rick Wagoner…..Will Forte
Robert Nardelli…..Darrell Hammond
Alan Mulally…..Jason Sudeikis
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins
Blond Female Panelist…..Kristen Wiig
Carolyn Maloney…..Casey Wilson
Walter Jones…..Bill Hader
Gregory Meeks…..Kenan Thompson
Peter King…..Bobby Moynihan

[Open on C-SPAN bumper that reads: “NEXT: HOUSE FINANCIAL SERVICES COMMITTEE. Hearings on Proposed Bailout for Big Three Automakers]

C-SPAN Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, live coverage of the House Financial Services Committee, where hearings on the proposed bailout for the Big Three auto companies are about to begin.

[Fade in on Barney Frank banging his gavel as the hearing starts]

Barney Frank: Good evening. As you know, these hearings on the proposed financial aid package for the Big Three automakers had been set to resume December 2nd. But when Mr. Wagoner, Mr. Nardelli, and Mr. Mulally asked if they could come back from Detroit and meet today – ten days early – I considered that an impressive sign of good faith and granted their request. Now, you’ll recall this committee had asked these gentlemen to come up with a specific, detailed proposal regarding the aid package by December 2nd. But now, I understand we’ll hear that proposal today. Gentlemen, welcome.

[Cut to Rick Wagoner, Robert Nardelli, and Alan Mulally sitting at a long table across from Barney Frank and the other members of the House Financial Services Committee, each with their own glass of water and microphone]

Rick Wagoner: Uh, thank you, Mr. Chairman. Uh, before we begin, I’d like to apologize to the committee for the fact that we arrived here in Washington so late. Uh, as many of you know, instead of flying, the three of us decided, uh, to drive…[over the studio audience laughter]: here from Detroit, but we had car trouble. Uh, I was going to drive my 2009 Cadillac XL RV—a model we at GM are very proud of—but every time I tried to start it, I just got a powerful electric shock, and the upholstery would catch on fire. Uh [turns his head to Robert Nardelli], Bob here wanted to come in his new Chrysler 300, but the brakes, steering, transmission, and engine all went out. Also, I believe…the windshield came off? [turns to Nardelli to see if he’s correct]

Robert Nardelli: Yeah. [Wagoner quickly nods before turning his attention back to the committee]

Rick Wagoner: Uh, so we all piled in Alan’s brand new Ford Fiesta [Alan nods], which worked out, uh, pretty well, except that when you turned on the lights, the heater and car alarm would come on. Plus, the GPS system wasn’t working too well, and we were just outside of St. Louis when we figured that out. Uh, but, long story short, we found a Radio Shack, got a new GPS, and we are here.

[Cut back to Barney Frank and the rest of the members of the House Financial Services Committee, consisting of a blond, unnamed representative, Representative Walter Jones, Chairman Frank, Representative Carolyn Maloney, and Representative Gregory Meeks]

Barney Frank: Well, Mr. Wagoner, we’re just glad you arrived safely. Now, please tell us your proposal regarding the aid package.

Rick Wagoner: Sure, of course. [Turns to signal his assistant to come in. Wagoner’s assistant props a table that has the logos for Chrysler, GM, and Ford and reads, “Big Three Automakers Financial Aid Proposal,” listing fifteen dates from January 1st 2009 to July 15th, 2013, each with their own dollar amount. Wagoner directs his attention to the committee]: Uh, as you can see, Mr. Chairman, this proposal is specific, it is detailed, and it is both short- and long-ranged. Now, assuming we receive the $25 billion in aid sometime this weekend, uh, on January 1st, 2009, we will request another $25 billion. Uh, then on June 15th, uh, we will ask for $50 billion. On September 30th, another $50 billion. Then, provided there’s a rebound in new car sales, on December 15th, $100 billion. Uh, you know, I don’t want to bore you with the rest. It’s all there in – in the handouts that you’ve received. I welcome your questions.

Barney Frank: Uh, now, Mr. Wagoner, as I look over your proposal, it seems like just a list of dates covering the next five years and the amount of federal money you’ll be asking for on those dates.

Rick Wagoner: Exactly. [unsure] Is this…not what you had in mind?

Barney Frank: [as he’s shaking his head] No. No, it isn’t.

Robert Nardelli: Mr. Chairman, we worked really hard on this.

[Cut to a two shot of Chairman Frank and Representative Carolyn Maloney]

Barney Frank: The chair recognizes the gentle lady from New York.

Carolyn Maloney: Thank you, uh, Mr. Chairman. As I discussed a few days ago, my constituents and I are very concerned about our nation’s dependence on foreign oil. Now, a few years ago, this Congress passed legislation mandating 200 miles per gallon cars by 2015. So…we’ve done our part. And my question is – and I’ll ask you, Mr. Nardelli – what is Chrysler doing about making more feul-efficient cars?

Robert Nardelli: [as he’s shaking his head] I don’t know. [some laughter and applause from the studio audience]: But, it’s interesting you mentioned that. Have you noticed how expensive gas is these days? On the drive here from Detroit, we couldn’t believe it. It was more than $2.50 a gallon.

Alan Mulally: One place, we saw $3.00 a gallon. I kid you not.

Carolyn Maloney: Actually, actually, about six months ago, it—it was more than $4.00.

Alan Mulally: [amazed] Get outta here!

Barney Frank: Uh, the chair recognizes the gentleman from North Carolina, Mr. Jones.

Walter Jones: [speaks with a fast, Southern drawl] Uh, now, thank you, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Wagoner, uh, accordin’ to your testimony early in the week, for every, uh, car General Motors sells, it loses $2500. Now, if that’s the case, just how are you goin’ to turn your company around?

Rick Wagoner: Well, I guess we’ll just have to sell more cars. Uh, no, wait. Forget that. I don’t know.

Walter Jones: [partially muffled by studio audience laughter] Mr. Wagoner, now listen. The average family for my district lives on less than $40,000 a year, now that’s just – you know, that’s just – how do I get back to my constituents and explain to them that we’re taking $25 billion of their tax money to bail out an industry so badly mismanaged?

Rick Wagoner: Well, can’t you just lie to ‘em?

Walter Jones: What?

Rick Wagoner: Tell them you didn’t give us the money. They’re not going to find out.

[cut to a wide shot of Robert Nardelli and Alan Mulally shaking their heads and agreeing with Wagoner’s suggestion]

Walter Jones: [offended by the suggestion] Okay, first—first of all, listen, I don’t lie to my constituents, and second of all [pointing to the cameras]: right now, we’re on television.

Rick Wagoner: Congressman, no one watches C-SPAN.

Robert Nardelli: I’d like to second my colleague’s idea about lying to your constituents. No one watches C-SPAN.

Alan Mulally: You could run a snuff film on C-SPAN. Nobody would notice.

Rick Wagoner: [as Wagoner’s assistant props a line chart that reads, “C-SPAN VIEWERSHIP SHOWS STEADY DECLINE” with three different-colored lines showing a drop-off in viewership between June 2008 and November 2008] Yeah, i-if I could, uh, direct your attention to this chart…[goes to point to the chart]

Walter Jones: All right, now look, look, I—okay, I’m not interested in any chart, all right. I don’t care who’s watchin’, and I’m not going to lie to my constituents, and I’m deeply disappointed by your performance here today.

Alan Mulally: Well, I’m just telling you: No one watches CSPAN.

Walter Jones: [annoyed] Stop sayin’ that!

[cut to Robert Nardelli looking ashamed, then cut to a wide shot of the House Financial Services Committee panel]

Barney Frank: The chair recognizes the gentleman from New York.

Gregory Meeks: Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman. Unlike my friend from North Carolina, I’m sympathetic to your problem, but first I need some answers. Two months ago, I bought a Chevy Avalanche, and whenever I try to start it, the battery’s dead, so I have to get it jumped. But even after driving around all day, if I turn off the car, it won’t start again, so I have to leave it running 24 hours a day. I-I’ve been told it’s because when I turn off the car, the air conditioner starts up and drains the battery.

Alan Mulally: Uh, Congressman, let me interrupt, if I may. I think I know your problem here. Your car is, what we at Ford call, a lemon. And, believe me, there’s nothing you can do about it.

Gregory Meeks: Uh-huh.

Alan Mulally: But, if it’s any comfort, you are not alone. Just at Ford, we got millions and millions of lemons on the road.

Rick Wagoner: Yeah, at GM, we got a whole plant that produces nothing but lemons.

Robert Nardelli: So do we.

Gregory Meeks: I really appreciate your honesty. I’m gonna vote for the bailout, ‘cuz I’m a union man!

Barney Frank: Uh, the chair is happy to recognize our friend from New York, Mr. King.

Peter King: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Gentlemen, I would really like to help you – I think we all would, but your testimony here today does not inspire confidence, and I don’t see how we can justify this bailout by taxpayers.

Rick Wagoner: Congressman, with all due respect, were are not talking about a gift or a subsidy. We are talking about a loan.

Peter King: A loan on which you will mostly certainly default?

[Rick Wagoner and Alan Mulally cover their microphones as they briefly lean over to quietly converse with Robert Nardelli. They soon break from the huddle with the answer to Representative King’s question]

Rick Wagoner: Yes.

Barney Frank: I-I believe that concludes these hearings. I have nothing more to add, except to stress what I’ve already said many times: Detroit not only needs to build safer cars, and more fuel-efficient cars, but gayer cars. You know, like the Mini Cooper [asides to one of the representatives]: I think they’re adorable. [turns back to the camera]: Anyway…Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Blizzard Man

Blizzard Man….Andy Samberg
….Ludacris
….T-Pain
Music engineer….Kenan Thompson
Ted Jankaloff….Tim McGraw

[Opens with a shot of Megahits Studios building, cut into a recording room with rap superstars Ludacris and T-Pain]

Ludacris: Hey man, you know, I got to thank you for coming in today, my dawg.

T-Pain: I appreciate it man. You already know its no problem. You want to go ahead and lay this thing on down?

Ludacris: Yeah, about that, um…I decided to replace you on this song.

T-Pain: Replace me?

Ludacris: Yeah.

T-Pain: T-Pain?

Ludacris: Yes.

T-Pain: With who?

Ludacris: The Blizzard Man.

T-Pain: The Blizzard Man?

Ludacris: Oh, yeah.

Music Engineer: Oh, yeah. The Blizzard Man, I heard he ripped it at Common’s show.

Ludacris: Yep, yep.

T-Pain: I never heard of him.

Ludacris: Well, get ready. Because you’re about to right now. [doorbell sounds] That’s him man! [opens the door and in comes white rapper The Blizzard Man with his early 90’s shirt, glasses and 90’s hair] Blizzy B! What’s up boy?! [handshakes and hugs] What’s going on, man?! Blizzy B, T-Pain, T-Pain, Blizzy B!

The Blizzard Man: What it do?

T-Pain: [confused] What it do?

Ludacris: All right, man. You ready to get in there?

The Blizzard Man: Oh, indeed.[gets into the recording booth]

Ludacris: Come on, man. Let’s go! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

T-Pain: Did you replace me with dude in there?

Ludacris: Yeah, I know. He has kind of a fresher style, right?

Music Engineer: No!

T-Pain: No.

Ludacris: Man, whatever, man. All right, Blizz. Man, just let it ride. Do what you feel.

The Blizzard Man: All right. [heavy rap beat plays, Blizzard Man has headphones on and raps hard] Yo’! I’m about to set it! Another number one hit! Turn up my snare! Yeah, check my style out! [raps like an idiot, arms flailing] Rap song, rap song! We come from the South and our teeth are gold! We drink lots of codeine and sit around, a jam comes on and we all do the crunk! Yo’! [crosses arms]

Ludacris:[ecstatic] Whooo! That’s what I’m talking about! My man still got it! I love it! He’s still got it!

T-Pain: Still got what?! That was terrible!

Music Engineer: Damn man! He sound like Al Jolson.

Ludacris: What?! Man, ya’ll trippin’! That’s a hit! Come on now.

[doorbell sounds]

Music Engineer: Who is that?

The Blizzard Man: That’s probably the head of my label.

[a white guy dressed in the same 90’s style shirts and a bad perm enters the studio]

Ted Jankaloff: What the dilly?! I’m Ted Jankaloff, the head of Jim Jam Records. And before Blizz records any more songs, he gets half the publishing.

T-Pain:[incredulous laugh] What?! I don’t even get that! He’s not getting that!

Ludacris: Hell yeah man! Deal! He’s worth every penny of it! Blizz, are you ready for another take?

The Blizzard Man: Word is bond. [heavy rap beat plays] Yo’! Make it clap! Ludacris, Blizzard Man. Way better than T-Pain! [T-Pain looks uncomfortable] Check my style out! [raps like an idiot, arms flailing] We’re at the strip club spending cash! $1’s and $5’s and even $2’s! We make it rain cause this is a song and I throw a silver dollar and a lady gets hurt. Yo’! Stop snitchin’! [crosses arms]

Ludacris: Oh, are you for real?! Come on, man! I gotta be dreaming right now! Is this heaven? Is this heaven?

Music Engineer: No!

T-Pain: Yo’, this dude is gar-bage in french terms.

Ted Jankaloff: Man, you must be sippin’ that purp! My dude is putting it down for the streets!

Music engineer: Man, what streets?

Ted Jankaloff: You know, cul-de-sacs mostly.

Ludacris: Man, come on man. Ya’ll got to keep it down now. Blizz, he’s very sensitive. Oh, look. See! [Blizzard Man moronic look, tongue out] You made him upset.

T-Pain:[offended] Man, how can you even compare me to this dude? I’m T-Pain, man! He looks like Vanilla Ice stunt double, dawg!

The Blizzard Man: Man, I can do it T-Pain style. Man, turn up that auto-tuner!

Ludacris: Oh, you see?! You see what you just did?! You done unleashed the beast! Now we’re about to enter into a whole new realm of music. We’re talking Beethoven, Bach, Bob Marley, Men at Work territory! Man, hey Blizz, you ready?!

The Blizzard Man: [wears a top-hat like T-Pain] Believe that! [rap beat sounds, voice appears robotic] Oh, shorty! It’s Blizzard Man! Come on, come on, you done set me off. Check my style out! [throws hat away, raps like an idiot, arms flailing] Robot voice, robot voice! All the kids love the robot voice! My dookie chain cost lots of clams [T-Pain serious look] Snoop Doggy Dog is on my nards! I wear very nice duds. Pierre Cardin and Jordache jeans! [music engineer troubled look] My hypercolor shirts changes when it’s warm but usually that’s confined to my pits [Ted and Ludacris pump their fists to the beat] I dig smooching babes, I squeeze their butts, if they give their consent, later on if they don’t object I’ll move to their boobies and give them a honk! Do, do, dooodoly, do, do, do doodoly, do, do, do, doodily do, do….

T-Pain: You know what man? Ya’ll boys might be right. I think I’m gonna do a song with him too.

Ludacris: I told you! Did I not tell you?!

Ted Jankaloff: All right. He gets all the publishing?

T-Pain: That’s all right. We good.

Ted Jankaloff: Yeah!!

[New York Times headline newspaper. T-Pain unveils new song. Gets beat up by fans.]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Live Another Death

Dealer…..Will Forte
Dwayne Bodine…..Tim McGraw
Le Chiffre…..Fred Armisen
James Bond…..Bill Hader
Waiter…..Andy Samberg
Pussy Galore…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: You’re watching the James Bond Movie Marathon on TBS. We now return to: “Live Another Death”.

[ dissolve to film-in-progress ]

[ exterior, Casino Du Palais, Monte Carlo ]

[ dissolve to interior, casino, where James Bond sits opposite Le Chiffre ]

Dealer: Alright, gentlemen. We’re down to three players: Mr. Bond… Mr. Le Chiffre… and Mr. Bodine.

Dwayne Bodine: I told ya — call me Dwayne!

Dealer: Okay. Dwayne. The bet has been raised to $500,000.

Le Chiffre: You haven’t played many hands, Mr. Bond. What’s the matter, run out of luck?

James Bond: The night is young, Le Chiffre. I believe cards, like women, should be handled with care.

Dwayne Bodine: Oh, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!! Oh, you know he practiced that in the mirror! You know somethin’? I like you guys! I wasn’t even gonna come down here — my wife wanted to go take pictures of some church. Then I found out this Poker tournament was goin’ on, and I’m, like, “Forget that, honey! I’m playin’ some cards!!”

Le Chiffre: Charming.

Dwayne Bodine: Hey! What’s with your face? That scar. You try to make out with a weed whacker, or somethin’?

James Bond: [ snippy ] Yes, Le Chiffre! Looks awfully painful!

Le Chiffre: It’s nothing compared to the pain you’ll experience… Mr. Bond.

Dwayne Bodine: [ chortling ] You guys, get a room! Are we gonna play cards, or what? I can’t ditch the ol’ lady forever. You know, I took her to Monte Carlo ’cause, first time we ever had sex was in the BACK of a Monte Carlo!! But don’t ya’ tell her that, a’ight? [ he laughs loudly ]

[ the waiter steps forward ]

Waiter: May I offer anyone a drink?

Le Chiffre: Nothing for me.

James Bond: Dry martini. Shaken, not stirred.

Dwayne Bodine: I’m good. [ he pops open a can of beer ] I snuck in a couple of Coors Lights. You can’t beat the silver bullet! Right, Le Cheef? [ he wraps his arm around Le Chiffre’s neck and gives him a chokehold ]

Le Chiffre: It’s Le Chiffre. And may I ask how exactly you were able to buy into this game?

Dwayne Bodine: Oh, that’s a great story! You see, I tripped crossing the street, and some rich guy ran over my legs. Now I’m livin’ LARGE!! [ he looks offscreen ] Whoop! Hot babe alert! Three o’clock!

[ he makes wild sound effects as she passes, then quiets down when she stops at the table and wraps an arm around Le Chiffre ]

Dwayne Bodine: Man!

Pussy Galore: [ coolly ] Hello, James.

James Bond: Hello, Pussy.

Dwayne Bodine: WHA-AT??!!

Le Chiffre: I see you two already know each other. Eh, Mr. Bond?

Pussy Galore: I’m sorry, James.

Dwayne Bodine: Whoa, hold on! Can we throw this in reverse for a second? [ to Pussy ] What’d you say your name was?!

Pussy Galore: Pussy. Pussy Galore.

Dwayne Bodine: [ ecstatic ] Are you KIDDIN’ me?! Is anybody hearin’ this?! I mean, COOL!!

James Bond: So, Pussy, I see you’ve switched sides.

Pussy Galore: Sorry, James. They have my brother. If I don’t do it, Le Chiffre says they’re going to kill him.

Dwayne Bodine: [ as he whips out his cell phone and holds it up ] I’m sorry! I gotta get this on video! Could you look in the phone and say that name ONE more time?!

Pussy Galore: [ annoyed ] It’s… Pussy Galore.

Dwayne Bodine: [ laughing heartily ] WHOO!! Can you believe that, boys?! Monte Carlo, baby!!

[ Pussy walks away, as Dwayne extends his cell phone out so he can catch it all on video ]

Dealer: Gentlemen. Let’s try to — let’s try to focus on the game, please. The action is to Mr. Bond.

James Bond: I’m all in. [ he pushes his chips forward ]

Dwayne Bodine: [ to Le Chiffre ] Hoo, he’s bluff-in’! Look at that bluff! [ in Bond’s face ] Bluff! Bluffer! Blufferrrrrr!!!

[ the waiter steps forward again ]

Waiter: Your martini, Mr. Bond.

Le Chiffre: You were so sure of victory. Why don’t you enjoy yourself to a… cocktail? [ he nods at the waiter ]

[ the waiter complies by slipping poison into Bond’s martini ]

Dwayne Bodine: HEY!! [ to Bond ] I think that dude just roofied your drink!

[ Bond rises and punches the drink out of the waiter’s hand, then points his Walther PPK at Le Chiffre ]

James Bond: You fold.

Dwayne Bodine: Uh-oh! That’s my cue to get the hell out of here! I’ll let you boys figure this out. I’m gonna try out that fancy French toilet that shoots water up my butt.

James Bond: Thanks for the heads-up, Mr…?

Dwayne Bodine: Bodine.

[ close-up of Dwayne with the gunbarrel pointed at him ]

Dwayne Bodine: Dwayne Bodine.

[ he pops another can of beer, and foam pours down the gunbarrel ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Clear-Rite

Karen/Beth…..Kristen Wiig
Tyler…..Fred Armisen
Shannon…..Michaela Watkins
Boyfriend…..Tim McGraw

[ open on woman standing in her bathroom, brushing her hair. She stops to address the camera” ]

Karen: [ with a lisp ] Oh, hi! My name’s Karen Segal, and I’m gonna bet you $100 you can’t tell I have something on my teeth! [ she smiles, making it obvious that she is wearing some sort of greyish retainer ] How am I so sure? [ she holds up the product box ] Because I’m wearing Clear Rite, the world’s first adult retainer that’s completely unnoticable!

[ she smacks her lips in an effort to adjust the retainer in her mouth ]

Karen: I’m like you — I want beautiful, straight teeth, but I don’t want metal in my mouth for everyone to see, or those so-called clear braces that are… [ she smacks her lips once more ] totally noticeable! Hey! Here comes my friend Tyler, who recently got those invisible braces!

[ Tyler enters, wearing invisible braces ]

Tyler: Hey, Karen!

Karen: Hey, Tyler! How are you liking those clear braces?

Tyler: Oh, what a waste of money! Everyone notices them right away!

Karen: I see what you mean! You should have gotten… [ she smacks her lips once more ] Clear-Rite!

Tyler: What?

Karen: Clear-Rite! [ she smacks her lips once more ]

[ Tyler stares at her in disbelief ]

Karen: Bye, Tyler!

Tyler: Bye!

[ Tyler exits ]

Karen: Poor guy! Spent thousands of dollars to have an orthodontist put those in his teeth. Clear-Rite is affordable and absolutely undetectable! I promise you: if you want to fix your smile, you can do it without anyone… [ she smacks her lips once more ] I mean, ANYONE noticing! I can prove it! Here comes my friend Shannon — if she doesn’t notice Clear-Rite, nobody will!

[ Karen enters, brimming a wide, white smile ]

Shannon: Hey, Karen!

Karen: Hey, Shannon! Do you notice anything… [ she smacks her lips once more ] different about me?

Shannon: I’ve known you and seen you every day since we were three, and I don’t see anything different! What are you even talking about?!

Karen: Oh, nothing! [ she smacks her lips once more and gulps awkwardly as Shannon continues to smile brightly at her ] Bye, Shannon!

Shannon: Bye!

[ Shannon exits ]

Karen: Well, I better get going — my boyfriend’s gonna be here ANY minute!

Boyfriend V/O: Honey?

Karen: [ excited ] That’s him! Shhhh!! I won’t tell if you don’t!

[ Boyfriend enters ]

Boyfriend: Wow, honey! You look great!

Karen: Thanks!

Boyfriend: [ bluntly ] What’s that on your teeth? [ she cowers ] Seriously, what is that?

Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more, then holds the box up ] Clear-Rite! Try it today, and you’ll receive —

Boyfriend: Who are you talking to?

Karen: [ she puts the box down ] No one.

Boyfriend: [ he picks up the box ] Did you make this box? What’s Clear-Rite?

Karen: I invented it… and I was practicing to make a commercial.

Boyfriend: What’s it do?

Karen: Nothing, I guess. [ she smacks her lips once more ]

Boyfriend: What’s going on with you, Beth?

Karen: Karen. For the commercial.

Boyfriend: Who’s Karen?

Karen: Me. Beth.

Boyfriend: Okay. Maybe we should cancel our picnic.

Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite. Order now!

Boyfriend: [ he swats the box with his hand ] Okay, stop it!

Karen: It’s Karen. [ to the audience ] Call the number on your screen —

Boyfriend: There’s no number down there.

Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more ] Is it bad that I see one?

Boyfriend: It’s not good.

Karen: It’s okay to put… [ she smacks her lips once more ] super glue in your mouth, right?

Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Oh, no… did you?

Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite!

[ she smiles awkwardly, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Dateline

Keith Morrison….Bill Hader
Sara Hellerman….Kristen Wiig
Jeff Bishop….Jason Sudeikis
Lily Bishop….Casey Wilson
Kurt Bird….Tim McGraw

Caption: Dateline Investigation NBC Logo.

Announcer: Tonight at 10. On Dateline NBC. A Keith Morrison Special Investigation. Real life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations.

(cut to investigative reporter Keith Morrison)

Keith Morrison: Sara Hellerman´s boyfriend was into drugs, getting mixed up with some gang bangers but one night he just didn´t come home.

(cut to Sara with Keith in her living room)

Sara Hellerman: I looked for him for weeks and weeks. Finally the police called me and, (disturbed) they found his car.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smirk on his face) And what did they find when they opened up the trunk of that car?

Sara Hellerman: It was my boyfriend´s body.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh, my. Was he all right?

Sara Hellerman: No, he was dead.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Oh, no-o-o-o.

(cut to Keith on the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: Then later, the all too real story of Jeff and Lily Bishop. When their boat capsized they found themselves alone at sea. But were they really alone?

(cut to Keith in the Bishop´s living room)

Jeff Bishop: So it was day two and we were surrounded by sharks.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh. What was that like?

Jeff Bishop: It was terrible.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) A-a-a-ah.

Lily Bishop: We both just passed out.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Ee-e-e-eh.

Jeff Bishop: And when I came to, my leg was gone.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) O-o-oh. Did you find it?

Jeff Bishop: No. It had been eaten.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Oh, no-o-o-o.

Lily Bishop: I´m sorry, are you smiling?

Keith Morrison: (still with the creepy smile) No-o-o-o. I´m horrified.

(cut to Keith in the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: Then stay tuned for the most heart wrenching story I´ve ever reported on. Kurt Bird. He thought he knew his wife. But did he?

(cut to Keith in Kurt Bird´s kitchen)

Kurt Bird: (disturbed) I´ve been away for business for about a week.

Keith Morrison: (seedy grin) Ah.

Kurt Bird: And I found my wife holding a knife, covered in blood.

Keith Morrison: (still grinning) Aa-a-ah.

Kurt Bird: She had murdered our neighbors.

Keith Morrison: (again with a creepy smile on) O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ohhh, yeah, oh no, a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah, e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ehh.

Kurt Bird: Do you get some sort of strange delight from all this?

Keith Morrison: I do.

(cut to Keith at the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: All that and an old lady on fire. Tonight on Dateline.

(Dateline Investigation logo)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Goodnights

…..Tim McGraw

Tim McGraw: Thanks to Ludacris and T-Pain! And thanks to Lorne, the cast, the crew! I had a great time! Good night, New Yorrrrrrrrkkk!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

A Holiday Message From Jeff Montgomery

Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Bob….Tim McGraw
Kathy….Kristen Wiig
Guest 1….Casey Wilson
Guest 2….Fred Armisen
Guest 3….Abby Elliott
Guest 4….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a house at night. Cut to a group of people at the dinner table on Thanksgiving day)

Bob: ….and most of all, we like to thank you for the gift of family and friends because that´s truly the gift that keeps on giving. Amen.

All: Amen.

Kathy: All right. Anybody hungry?

(Crazy ass Jeff Montgomery is at this table.)

Jeff Montgomery: Try yes. Please, pass the stuffing, the gravy, the peas and throw some turkey in there too. Hey, don´t call me turkey! You´re the turkey, turkey! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, I´m starving.

Bob: So, uh, white meat or dark?

Jeff Montgomery: Uh, white meat or dark? Well, if you´re talking women, I´ll go dark. If we´re talking turkey, I´ll go Asian. Oh, oh, Asian bird flu! “Agent Bird flew where?” Flew to the hospital I hope. Wha-a-at?! Ha, ha, ha. Seriously though, I´ll have a bunch of both.

Bob: Ok, so uh, how do you know Kathy?

Jeff Montgomery: Who´s Kathy?

Kathy: I´m Kathy.

Jeff Montgomery: Well, its a pleasure to meet you.

Bob: Wait. I thought that you were here with Kathy.

Kathy: Wait. I thought he was your friend from work.

Jeff Montgomery: Ha! You´re both wrong! I´m not here with Kathy and I certainly don´t have a job.

(Jeff stuffs food down the front of his sweatshirt)

Bob: So, who exactly are you?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m Jeff Montgomery.

Bob: And Jeff, who are you here with?

Jeff Montgomery: Who am I not here with?!

Guest 1: Me.

Guest 2: Me.

Guest 3: Me.

Guest 4: Me.

Kathy: Me.

Bob: And you´re not here with me. So it sounds like you´re really not here with anyone.

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Thanksgiving isn´t about questioning why people you don´t know are at your dinner table! You know, its about giving thanks. And I would like to say thank you for inviting me into your home.

Bob: See, that´s the thing, cause I don´t think anyone here invited you so I´m still unclear about how did you get in here.

Jeff Montgomery: Oh, come on, Bob! I mean, how did any of us get in here?

Kathy: Door.

Guest 4: Door.

Guest 3: Door.

Guest 2: Door.

Guest 1: Door.

Jeff Montgomery: Window! See? We´re all in the same boat here! Now, let´s eat.

Bob: (dialing his cell) Ok, so I´m gonna call the cops. You just keep doing your thing and I´ll be right back.

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, Bob, Bob! Look, I´m sure there´s a very good explanation for why I´m here.

Bob: And that is?

Jeff Montgomery: Well, you know, I was going door to door, you know, trick or turkeying…

Kathy: Wait. Trick or turkeying?

Jeff Montgomery: Wait, you guys have never heard of trick or turkeying?

Guest 1: No.

Guest 2: No.

Guest 3: No.

Guest 4: No.

Kathy: No.

Jeff Montgomery: Yes, so about half of us have heard of it. So, ok, for those who haven´t, trick or turkeying is when you put on a costume and you go begging for scraps of turkey. You know, “trick or turkey”?

Bob: And what exactly is your costume?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a man who recently escaped a mental institution.

Bob: Excuse me?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m an escaped mental patient. For Thanksgiving! And, you´ll love this, as part of my costume I had the police put out an APB that a Jeff Montgomery escaped from a mental institution and is considered extremely dangerous. That pretty great, huh? Anyway, where I´m from trick or turkeying is sort of a tradition.

Bob: And where are you from?

Jeff Montgomery: The Clarksville Mental Institution.

Bob: (into his cell) Ok, 911, I´d like to report an escaped mental patient.

Jeff Montgomery: Look, Bob, you´re missing the point here! The point is Thanksgiving spirit! That point is trick or turkey! The point is can I crash in your doghouse for a couple of months?

Kathy: And where is our dog supposed to live?

Jeff Montgomery: The same he´s been living for the past 8 hours. My stomach. (stunned silence at the table) This is gonna sound like a terrible segue but can I use your bathroom? This dog is racing through me like a greyhound. Happy Thanksgiving! Wha-a-a-t?!

(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy face)

Announcer: This has been a holiday message from Jeff Montgomery.

Caption: From Jeff Montgomery. Happy Thanksgiving.

(fade)

(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Tim McGraw’s Monologue

…..Tim McGraw

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tim McGraw!

Tim McGraw: Wow! Thank you very much! Thank you! I never thought I’d be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. But it’s great to be here during such an exciting time in America. Change is sweeping the nation, and there’s a feeling that anything is possible. Fro example: a country singer is hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and the musical guests are Ludacris and T-Pain! [ audience cheers ] Well, you may not know this, but this is actually the very first time the three of us have worked together. It’s crazy, right? I know! And I’m sure many hip-hop fans are tuning in tonight, and, if I may, I’d like to take a moment to speak directly to them:

[ close-up ]

Hi! I’m Tim McGraw… and you have never heard of me. I write songs and perform them in a genre known as Country. Now, I know it’s not the same as Hip-Hop, but you might enjoy the wholesome world that is Country music. We sing about things like family, friendship, and, well, hope. Now, of course, sometimes we sing about things like drinking, or drinking and fighting. But, mainly it is about family, or about your wife, or… cheating on your wife. Or your wife cheating on you with another man, and you killing that man. Or killing your wife. Or shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die. That actually is, kind of, like, our big song. But, the point is: you know, give it a shot! You might even like it. Here — here’s an example:

[ he picks up a microphone and begins to sing ]

“Girl, you’ve never known no one like me
Up there in your high society.
They might tell you I’m no good
Girl, they need to understand — come on!
Just who I am
I may be a real bad boy
But, baby, I’m a real good man.”

We have a FANTASTIC show tonight! We got Ludacris! And T-Pain up in here! Y’all hang around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

A Message From Rahm Emanuel

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Rep. Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: And now a message from White House Chief of Staff-Designate — Rahm Emanuel.

(Congressman RAHM EMANUEL sits on his desk with his hands folded.)

Rahm Emanuel: Hello, I’m Rahm Emanuel… one-time congressman of IllinoisFifth District and now White House Chief of Staff-Designate forPresident-Elect Barack Obama. I believe we are at the dawn of a great, newage in American politics and I am proud and excited to be apart of it. Atthe same time, I understand our country is facing great challenges.Challenges that are going to require both parties come together to findsolutions.

Now some on the right, such as Minority Leader John Boehner, havecriticized my appointment as being “hyper-partisan”. And have accused meof being prone to “bare-knuckle tactics” and “profanity-laced tirades” inthe past. Well, it is true my nickname is “Rahm-bo”, and it is also truemy brother Ari is the basis for Jeremy Piven’s character on “Entourage”, Iwant to assure you that I took this job for one reason only – to supportBarack Obama’s message of hope and change…

Although I should say, to anyone thinking about crossing me — I willF—ING end you! You will never even see it coming! One day you will behere and the next day you will be f—ing disappear.

And John Boehner!? You seriously want to f— with me!? You’re losingseats in Congress like it’s a game of f—ing musical chairs and you issuea press release about me!? You f—ing idiot! About me!? You pull thats–t to my face, Boehner, and I’ll send you back to Ohio in a f—ing box!

And that goes for Democrats as well as Republicans. You will get inf—ing line or I will personally stamp your ticket! None of your f—ingbulls— on my watch, Joe Lieberman! If it was up to me, we wouldn’t juststrip you of your chairmanship, we would strip you naked and make you WALKYOUR McCAIN LOVING ASS back to Connecticut. YOU F—KING TURNCOAT!

Don’t believe me… ask Howard F—ING Dean if I’m for real. He s—shimself when he hears me on the radio.

(Emanuel turns to his right to face the CAMERA and points his left hands.)

Rahm Emanuel: I’m sorry did you say something!?

(The CAMERA shakes back and forth.)

Rahm Emanuel: Are you f—ing sure!?

(The CAMERA nods.)

Rahm Emanuel: Yeah. You better be f—ing sure.

(Emanuel returns to face the MASTER CAMERA.)

Rahm Emanuel: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to address you tonight.And I look forward in the coming months to setting out on what I promiseto be an incredible journey. Seriously, it’s going to be f—ing amazing.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9


]]>

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Arianna Huffington…..Michaela Watkins
Zell Miller…..Will Forte

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. Amy Poehler is still on assignment. Here are tonight’s top stories:

The heads of Detroit’s Big Three automakers went to Washington on Tuesday to beg Congress for a $25 billion bailout. While heads of Japan’s automakers had sex with beautiful women and then slept like babies.

It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes. [ image: Palin’s book, titled “Jus’ Tellin’ My Story” ]

Health groups are demanding that Phillip Morris withdraw their new product, Virginia Slims Superslim Lights, which come in a lipstick sized pack of 20 cigarettes, that they say are “clearly designed to appeal to teen girls.” Plus, while you smoke one, it talks to you about “Twilight”.

The Disney Channel group, Cheetah Girls, was removed from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade after semi-nude photos of one of its members appeared online. Although, I don’t know why they’re holding the Cheetah Girls to a higher standard than Snoopy. [ image: black-barred photo of Snoopy ]

In recent days, Barack Obama has started to fill out his cabinet positions, inclusing Secretary of State. Here now, to discuss these choices, former President of the United States, Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Seth. Where’s Blondie?

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh — Amy’s not here.

Bill Clinton: [ adjusting his tie ] You have to give me a heads-up when there are gonna be changes like that.

Seth Meyers: I-I’m sorry.

Bill Clinton: And, Amy, wherever you are, I just want to say: [ he mimes a telephone with his fingers and mouths “Call Me” ]

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, anyways — the cabinet.

Bill Clinton: Yes, the cabinet. Uh, Seth, I am here tonight to make a very exciting announcement. And, even though I’m not supposed to say anything, I — I can’t help myself! After the holiday, Barack Obama will officially appoint ME… Husband to the Secretary of State.

Seth Meyers: You mean, he will appoint Hillary Secretary of State?

Bill Clinton: Say it however you want to say it, Seth. The point is, I am honored. Now, it’s true that this move will make Hillary the Secretary of State, and it is gonna be great. But I just want to say to all of those world leaders out there who thought they were gonna be dealing with a cool operator like Barack Obama: SUR-PRIIIISE!! You got Hillary! [ he chuckles heartily, then bites his lip ] Best of luck to ya’! Whatever excuses you despots and tyrants are gonna use to explain your bad behavior, just throw those right out the window — she sees through ALL of them! There are only three you’re gonna need when Hillary shows up: I… am… sorry! [ he smiles ] It don’t work all the time, but sometimes it’s a good place to start.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Now, uh — one of the hold-ups to Hillary’s appointment were your finances, but reports are you’ve agreed to turn everything over to the Obama transition team.

Bill Clinton: You know, Seth, I was just hoping for someone to ask me about my finances. If I TOLD you how much I made for a speaking engagement without you asking me, it would sound like bragging! Because it is a SICK number! I mean, you can’t believe what people pay me for talking. Talking! My second all-time favorite activity! [ he smiles ]

Seth Meyers: So what will this appointment mean for Bill Clinton?

Bill Clinton: Well, now, the position of Husband to the Secretary of State is a position that requires a lot of international traveling. I’ll be honest — I’m looking forward to spreading American goodwill. I’m gonna spread it from the snow-topped peaks of the Himalayas, to the topless beaches of Rio… to the bottomless beaches of Abisa. Yeah. So, in conclusion, I will take my show on the road. I will support Barack Obama. And I will not allow my finances to screw this up for Hillary, because, if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: the LAST thing I want to do… is screw Hillary.

Seth Meyers: Ladies and gentlemen — Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: [ mimes telephone again, then exits the news desk ]

Seth Meyers: It’s been confirmed that the government is developing tiny, insect-like robots which would be used to spy on enemies and possibly attack them. So, sorry for ever doubting you, Gary Busey.

A new report shows that a large number of Americans are “alarmingly uninformed” about the history of the U.S. and its founding principles. Experts say the number could be as high as 1 in 4. [ image: John McCain, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama, Joe Biden ]

Suri Cruise, the 2 year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, tops the Forbes.com second annual list of “Hollywood’s 10 Hottest Tots”. Which begs the question: What the hell is going on at Forbes.com?

President Bush, this week, said he will do all he can to help Barack Obama with his transition into the White House. Here to comment, political pundit, and creator of the Huffington Post — Arianna Huffington.

Arianna Huffington: Oh! Hello! Hi, Seth! Hi! I’m Arianna Huffington. You know… this George Bush, he’s done it again. He says he wants to help Barack Obama with his transition. Listen! George! You hae done e-nough! Don’t do anything else! Don’t! Don’t even water a plant.

Seth Meyers: So I take it you’re not a huge fan of George Bush?

Arianna Huffington: Oh, listen, Seth, please! It’s like this country was a brand new BMW, and George Bush smashed it into a tree. And now, he’s tossing the keys to Barack Obama and he says, “Enjoy! It’s all yours!” You know?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I see… yeah…

Arianna Huffington: Listen! Listen! Two nights ago, I was having drinks with Madeliea Albright and Chuck from the “Gossip Girl”… and, you know, they agree with me: George Bush helping out Barack Obama is like the Skeletor helping the He-Man. You know? It’s crazy. It’s like an arsonist who burns down your house and then asks, “Do you need help moving?”

Seth Meyers: Okay, um — well, uh — [ he chuckles ] Maybe we should just focus on some of the positives.

Arianna Huffington: Okay. Good! Okay. Uh, let’s see… the good news is that politics is sexy again — and I should know, I had sexy for breakfast, so… I mean, the only thing sexual about the Bush administration is the war in Iraq. Really! I mean, it’s pornographic, this war. We went into a foreign place — totally unprotected — there’s a big surge, we don’t pull out — it’s disgusting! You know — you know what I am talking about — ’cause I sure don’t. Okay, good night!

Seth Meyers: Arianna Huffington, everyone! Thank you.

Ron Howard, this week, praised Angelina Jolie’s efforts as a working actress and mother of six, and complimented her for coping with such “huge undertakings”. I have to agree, though this is the first time I’ve heard them referred to as “undertakings”.

Debby, the oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a zoo at the age of 42. Debby is survived by her two daughters, Cindy, Crystal, and her stepson, Kareem. [ image: black bear cub ]

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz gave birth, Thursday, to a boy named Bronx Mowgli. As in: “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wentz. Bronx Mowgli got beat up at school again.”

On December 2nd, the state of Georgia will hold a special run-off election between Republican Saxby Chambliss, and Democrat Jim Martin. Here to comment, is former Georgia senator Zell Miller.

Zell Miller: It’s good to be here, Seth!

Seth Meyers: So… you’re a registered Democrat, yet you’ve been campaigning pretty hard for the Republican candidate, Saxby Chambliss.

Zell Miller: Seth, I would sooner drink hemlock than vote for that namby-pamby Jim Martin! I mean, what kind of name is that — Jim Martin?! You know, back in my day, a guy named Jim Martin comes up to you and says he’s runnin’ for the Senate, you put him in a BARREL and send him over a WATERFALL!! I want a man up there with a name I can TRUST! A man with a name like the guys I grew up with! A man with a name like Saxby Chambliss! Or Zackamore Hooberry! Goolsby Scroggins! Mortimer Fapp! Derval Mackinaw! Ebenezer Yakbain! Jasper Quazzeltoot! I used to work in a saloon with a guy named Peabody Tilcutt! Now, I don’t know a thing about his politics, but I would vote for that man for President of the United States! Unless his running mate had a name like Jim Martin! That’s why I’m voting for Saxby Chambliss!

Seth Meyers: So, that’s the only reason you’re voting for him?

Zell Miller: What, just think of what will happen to this country if a man like Jim Martin is elected to the Senate! You know, next thing you know some guy named Mark Smith gets in there! And then John Brown! And then Mike Black! And then, soon the entire country is being run by Browns and Blacks!

Seth Meyers: You know, out of context, umm — that could sound pretty bad, so maybe you want to retract that last statement?

Zell Miller: ZELL MILLER RETRACTS NOTHING, SETH!!! ow, trust me, you do not want a guy like Jim Martin in the Senate!! Okay? You’d be much better off with a man named Bernhart Barnthistle!! Or Templeton Thappletrap! Fitzner Blout! Beezleton Kernwinkle! Kip Joggletog! You know, I’m kinda runnin’ out of names here — but you get the point! Oh, thought of another one: Clementine Dimplethippy!

Seth Meyers: So, this really is just about the name?

Zell Miller: [ outraged ] Oh, okay! It looks like we got a Jim Martin supporter here!! You’re lucky I left my scabbard in my hot air balloon!! Oh, got another one! Foster Macadoodledoodiedoo!!

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Is that even a real name?

Zell Miller: [ stands and runs ] Oh, where’s that scabbard?! Where’s the scabbard?!

Seth Meyers: Alright, Zell Miller, everybody!

[ image: Madonna ] This week, a British court released a cougar back into the wild.

In an interview in “The New Yorker”, Prince reveals that, since he joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses two years ago, he has started leaving his gated community to knock on doors and preach the word of his Christian denomination. Finally creating an occasion to say, “Oh, my god, hide, Prince is coming.”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts