Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
[ guitar music plays, as Jack Black and Kyle Gass appear on stage right ]
Jack Black: [ singing ] “Spelling bee, spelling bee
A test of wit and wordlary! The ancient sport of kings and queens! To make it on the spelling bee scene You got to be the cream!
Spelling bee, spelling bee
Daniels dream goes up in smoke He had his chance, but then he choked And this, my friends, is not a joke It’s a friggin tragedy!
Spelling bee, spelling bee
Daniel lived in misery But Daniel’s not his name, you see For this tid-bit I hid from thee That little boy was me! That little boy was me! That little boy was me!”
[ Jack Black and Kyle Gass surround Daniel, who stares unblinking into the camera ]
A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United States
Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond Girl #1…..Rachel Dratch Boy…..Andy Samberg Girl #2…..Amy Poehler President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
[ open on exterior of White House, surrounded by a holly border to give the impression of a postcard ]
Announcer: And now, a holiday message from the Vice-President of the United States.
[ dissolve to interior, Dick Cheney’s office. Cheney is dressed like Santa Claus. He tugs the fake beard down to reveal his hard-gritting smile. ]
Dick Cheney: Good evening, America. Well, once again, it’s Christmas, my favorite time of the year – ho, ho ho! Every Christmas, I like to meet with local children and see what presents they want. So, without further ado, let’s hear what they have to say for themselves.
Girl #1: Hi, Santa!
Dick Cheney: Hello, little girl. What do you want for Christmas?
Girl #1: I want an American Girl doll, and a Barbie Primp & Polish head with manicured hands. But what I really want for Christmas, is the safety and well-being of my family.
Dick Cheney: Uh, Santa can’t guarantee that.
Girl #1: [ now obviously reading from offscreen cue cards ] Well, I was just thinking that if the Patriot Act were extended, I can sleep easy knowing that the American government has the tools it needs in its global fight against terror.
Dick Cheney: Well, aren’t you a sweet young lady. Gosh, isn’t it funny how the mind of a child can grasp smething that seems so confusing to Santa’s friends across the isle. Your spontaneous opinion is appreciated. Next? [ Girl #1 gets off Cheney’s lap and exits scene, as Boy enters and sits on Cheney’s lap ] Hello, little boy.
Boy: Hi, Santa!
Dick Cheney: And, uh, what do you want for Christmas?
Boy: I just want to see my Grandma.
Dick Cheney: Well, I don’t see why that would be a problem.
Boy: Well – she lies in California, and usually she woul drive to see us. But with gas prices being what they are, she can’t afford to come. So I was wondering if – nawww, never mind.
Dick Cheney: Oh no, no, no. Come on, just say it. Say it. It’s me, Santa.
Boy: Well – [ also reading directly off unseen cue cards, and, thus, reads quickly ] Do you think you can open drilling in the Alaskan wildlife preserve, in order to lessen our dependence on foreign oil?
Dick Cheney: [ smiles sadistically ] You know, if you put it like that, it’s the least I can do to help a boy see his grandma.
Boy: Wow! Thanks, Santa!
Dick Cheney: Alright, son. [ Boy jumps off Cheney’s lap and exits scene ] moving on – [ Girl #2 sits on Cheney’s lap ] Alright. what can I do for you, little girl?
Girl #2: My Daddy is a soldier fighting in Iraq, and I only want one thing for Christmas.
Dick Cheney: What’s that?
Girl #2: For you to not let him come home until freedom and democracy has spread all through the Middle East.
Dick Cheney: From the mouthes of babes! It seems to me if an eight-year old girl has the guts to stay the course, maybe everyone else should do a gut check.
Girl #2: Yay! [ jumps off Cheney’s lap and exits scene ]
Dick Cheney: [ chuckles ] Alright, let’s wrap this thing up.
Voice: Excuse me, excuse me – sorry, kid, President coming through!
[ President George W. Bush emerges and takes his seat on Cheney’s lap ]
President George W. Bush: Hey, Dick! What’s up?
Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President. I thought we agreed to do this in private, like we do every year.
President George W. Bush: Well, I couldn’t wait, Dick. You know, I’m just so excited for Christmas.
Dick Cheney: Okay. Well, what would you like for Christmas?
President George W. Bush: I would like X-Box-360.
Dick Cheney: What, uh.. what about extending the Patriot Act, Mr. President?
President George W. Bush: You know, I like the Patriot Act, Dick, I do. But I want that 360.
Dick Cheney: You know, some of those X-Boxes are defective, they may be recalled.
President George W. Bush: Well, our policy in Iraq is defective, and we’re not recalling anyone, so –
Dick Cheney: [ defeated ] Okay, you can have the X-Box.
President George W. Bush: Yay!
Dick Cheney: Now, wasn’t there something else you wanted to say?
President George W. Bush: Oh, right. Uh.. Thank you, Santa.
Dick Cheney: No. Something else.
President George W. Bush: Oh. Right. Okay. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Santa Claus…..Jack Black Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
[open on exterior of suburban home, decorated with Christmas lights, with title: “Christmas Eve 1978”]
[dissolve to interior, with Santa coming down the chimney]
Santa Claus: [stands] Ho-ho-ho!
Debbie: [gasps] Santy Claus!
Santa Claus: Ho-ho-ho! I see one little girl who is not snuggled into bed.
Debbie: It’s hard to sleep knowing that you’re sharing your bed with thousands of hungry dust mites. Thanks, Hugh Downs. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
[dissolve to cartoon sequence, showing Debbie Downer with green skin and a Santa hat, charicatured as The Grinch, surrounded by Whos]
Narrator: [sung to the tune of “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch,” in a similar deep voice, with titles] You’re a downer, Debbie D. You really are a heel. You can’t avoid a story if it’s sad or grim or gory, Debbie Downer. Given the choice between having a conversation with you or having my face shredded by an eel, I’d pick the eel! [title: “A Very Downer Christmas”]
[dissolve to living room]
Debbie: Santa, we left you milk and cookies.
Santa Claus: Oh, delicious!
Debbie: I wouldn’t drink unrefrigerated dairy if I were you. Unless diarrhea is on your Christmas list. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with higher pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: [slightly put off] Well, aren’t you a sweet little girl? What’s your name?
Debbie: Debbie.
Santa Claus: Why, that’s a beautiful name.
Debbie: I’m named after my father’s sister. She’s estranged. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: Usually, when I come to houses, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.
Debbie: You should check those houses for carbon monoxide. It’s an odorless killer. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: [cautiously] Ho-ho-ho, well I hadn’t thought of that.
Debbie: That’s the thing. So few do. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wahhhhh] Can I still tell you what I want for Christmas, or have I missed the window?
Santa Claus: Oh, of course you can! You sit right up on Santa’s lap.
Debbie: Okay, but it might take a sec. [pats her hip] Juvenile sciatica.
Santa Claus: Is that even a thing? [she sits on his lap] Now, what would make you happy this Christmas? How about My Pretty Pony. [he pulls one from his sack]
Debbie: Hmmm, not so pretty to the Taiwanese youth who are forced to assemble them under dire conditions. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with faster paced, very high pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: All right [he tosses the doll over his shoulder], how about this? Ah! An Easy-Bake Oven. [he pulls one from his sack]
Debbie: Mmm, I’d better pass. My Barbie doll might try to put her head in it. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with faster paced, very high pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. [he drops the oven onto the couch next to the doll] Ah! How about a shiny new pair of roller skates? [he pulls a pair from his sack]
Debbie: [sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”] Three broken fingers, two shattered kneecaps, and a haematoma of the scalp. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: [drops the skates onto the couch] Okay, look, Deb, here’s the thing. [stands, sending Debbie tumbling] I got about a kajillion houses to hit tonight, so think about what you want while I get a little refreshment. Do your parents have anything in the liquor cabinet?
Debbie: Can do. The Downers have a long history of self-medicating. [she goes through a doorway]
Santa Claus: Okay, well, what say you hook me up with some of that, in lieu of milk?
Debbie: [returns with a decanter of Scotch and a poured glass] Here you are. [she gives him the glass]
Santa Claus: Thank you. Ho-ho-ho. [he dips a cookie in the Scotch, then tosses the cookie over his shoulder and drinks]
Debbie: Hey, hey, I think I know what I want now.
Santa Claus: Oh, well, why don’t you tell Santa?
Debbie: Okay. [counts off 1 on her fingers] Dr. Scholl’s ventilated insoles–the ones with the charcoal layer. [camera zooms in slightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah] [counts off 2 on her fingers] Soap on a rope–unscented [camera zooms in further on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah ] [counts off 3 on her fingers] And a cure for my cat’s chronic mange. [camera zooms in tightly on Debbie’s face with sound effect: meow meooow]
Santa Claus: Oh, Debbie, my dear. You shouldn’t worry your head about those gloomy things. Little ones should think about lollipops and rainbows, and giving Santa just one more kiss of Scotch. [he extends his glass]
Debbie: Here you go. [she pours him some more]
Santa Claus: Yes, thank you. Mmm. Mmm! Wait a minute, I think I have just the perfect gift for you. [Debbie bounces excitedly] There were are, let’s see, that’s it. Merry Christmas, Debbie. [hands her a large, flat object with a bow on it]
Debbie: [gasps] It’s a calendar of medical oddities. Wow! [opens it and gasps] Look at that goiter! This is the best Christmas ever!
Santa Claus: Well, I’m glad I could bring joy to your heart. You were really starting to bring on my Seasonal Affective Disorder. Ho-ho-ho, I gotta get out of here. [he climbs into the chimney]
Debbie: But, Santa, it’s so cold outside. “This just in. Santa overcome by hypothermia. Millions go giftless.” [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
[title: “A Very Downer Christmas,” with theme music]
(A music video done in stop-motion animation to a “Phil Spector Christmas” style song. A caricature of Darlene Love [the singer] is shown sitting atop a Christmas tree with two children, narrating … )
Darlene Love: (speaking) “On Christmas Eve the Gentiles gather ‘Round the Christmas tree They stay at home and party with Their Goyishe family They disappear one day each year And pass the egg nog ’round But it’s all right, ’cause that’s the night The Jews control the town.”
(cue the song — the activity corresponds to the lyrics)
[ singing ] “Well it happens every year on Christmas Eve All the happy Christian people take their leave Yeah, the streets are deserted, and that’s big news It’s Christmastime for the Jews.
Yeah, the holiday party starts ’bout 6 PM Ain’t nobody recreating Bethlehem Yeah, the Three Wise Men, that’s a big ol’ snooze Christmastime for the Jews.”
(a crowd changes a front-yard scene of the Three Wise Men to the cast of Seinfeld)
“They can finally see King Kong without waiting in line They can eat in Chinatown and drink their sweet-ass wine They can crank Barbara Streisand on the streets they cruise Christmastime for the Jews.”
(their cars bounce up and down)
“They can gang up on the Quakers, Play for the Lakers, They can do what they wanna, Even blow off Madonna Get a chance to drive a tractor, Win on Fear Factor, See Fiddler on the Roof with actual Jewish actors …
Now they really get the party going after dark Circumcising grateful squirrels in the city park Picking fights in the bar knowing they can’t lose Christmastime for the Jews.”
(tempo slows down)
“Now it’s nearly 10:30, yes it’s time for bed “Daily Show” reruns dancing in their head.”
(back to Darlene and the kids on the tree as the camera slowly zooms out)
“Maybe next year they’ll learn to hold their booze.”
(tempo resumes)
“Christmastime for the Jews Christmastime for the Jews (Don’t ya see now …) Christmastime for the Jews.”
[ return from the final commercial break to Jack Black and the cast standing on the ice skating rink in front of 30 Rockefeller Plaza ]
Jack Black: [ laughing as he yells at someone offscreen ] Well, don’t hurt yourself!
[ notices the shows back from commercial ]
Hey! Thanks to Neil Young!
[ cut Neil Young and his band waving to the audience in Studio 8-H, as fake snow begins to fall on them ]
[ cut back to Jack and company on the ice ]
Jack Black: Johnny Knoxville! Tracy Morgan! And my main man, Kyle Gass! [ Kyle skates into frame to blaance himself next to Jack ] My parents, all four of you guys – I love you. Happy Haukkah! [ almost as an afterthought ] And a Merry Christmas.
[ Jack and the group begin to skate around the rink, interspersed with cutaways to Neil Young and his band waving at the audience in Studio 8-H ]
Jack Black: Thank you! Thank you very much! You guys, oh my God. Well, listen – I don’t know if you know, I’m in a little movie called “King Kong.” [ audience cheers ] You know, it was a loy of fun making it, but here’s the thing. I had an idea for a song, and I figured, you know, Will Smith wrote a song for his movie – “Hitch” – and Eminem did a song for “8 Mile”, so why shouldn’t I give it a shot? So I recorded the “King Kong Jam”, and I gave it to Peter Jackson and I said, you know, “It’s nothing. Just listen to it, I wrote it on a lark, you might get a laugh out of it.” But, secretly.. I was hoping, you know, he would say, “Wait a minute. This is really good. I’m gonna put this in the movie.”
So, you know, I gave it to him, and I heard nothing from him. They didn’t put it in the movie. But, you know what? I heard the song, and I think it’s pretty damn good. Uh.. let’s do this thing!
[ the house band begins to play behind Jack Black ]
Jack Black: [ singing ] “KOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG-ah!!!!!
There’s a little place I know Where a bunch of funky people live. They were looking for a sacrifice One that they had to give.
To King Kong. Where did he go wrong? King Kong. That’s why I wrote this song King Kong. They took him to a world Where he don’t belong.
Had to find a lady to give to Kong To keep that chunky monkey tame. He fell in love with Naomi Watts’ character I forget her name.Okay, I have to admit I didn’t read the script ‘Cause I find that it gets in the way. Of my acting pro-cess which I’ve carefully honed And also I don’t know how to read.
King Kong Pass the Grey Poupon King Kong Fighting the Viet Kong King Kong Everybody bang a gong ‘Cause he don’t belong.”
[ the band slows down for a minute ]
Jack Black: Alright, this is where the song gets really personal, so listen up.
[ the band pop right back into action again ]
Jack Black: [ singing ] “I show up to the set at a quarter to noon And then I pretend to get a nasty cramp. So I can go back to my sweet-ass trailer And take myself a tasty nap. Then the director dude come and pound on my door And say, “Jack this has got to STOP!” But then the next day I had my sweet revenge By urinating in his coffee pot.
On the set of King Kong Wears a massive thong King Kong He got it going on King Kong Jack Black wrote this song So do yourself a favor Please clap along Everybody now Clap with me But do not sing The singing’s my job You’ll only mess up the song, trust me.
1, 2, 3 – King Kong! Opening in Hong Kong King Kong He listens to Cheech and Chong King Kong This is his theme song He’s a crazy old gorilla And he guarantee a thrilla’ And once you see the movie You’ll be feeling pretty groovy And a rooby dooby da ba do ba ba bo oh KING KONG!”
[ audience cheers ]
Jack Black: That’s the song. They didn’t want it in the movie, I don’t know why.
We’ve got a great show – Neil Young is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
Neil Young: [ singing ] “The last time I saw Elvis He was shooting at a colour TV The phones were ringing in the pink motel And the rest is history He was the King.
The last time I saw Elvis He was singing a gospel song You could tell that he had the feeling And the whole world sang along He was the King (He was the King).
The last time I saw Elvis He was up on the silver screen Pushing a plough in a black-and-white movie And everybody started to scream Yes, he was the King (He was the King).
The last time I saw Elvis It was some kind of Vegas dream Spotlights flashed on a sequined cape And a blue-haired lady screamed He was the King.
[ break ]
The last time I saw Elvis He was fronting a three-piece band Rocking on the back of a flatbed truck With an old guitar in his hand He was the King (He was the King).
Hey!
[ break ]
The last time I saw Elvis He was riding in a pink Cadillac Wind was blowing through his hair And he never did look back He was the King (He was the King).
The last time I saw Elvis, hey!
[ spoken ] Thank you very much
The last time I saw Elvis He was singing that gospel song You could tell that he had the feeling And the whole world sang along He was the King (He was the King).
Percy…..Darrell Hammond Netti…..Amy Poheler Receptionist…..Seth Meyers Druggy Son…..Neil Young Otis Peaks…..Jason Sudeikis Tiny Nations…..Bill Hader Tyler…..Chris Parnell Sandy Joey Juggerson…..Jack Black Johnny Knoxville…..Johnny Knoxville
(banjo music starts playing)
Announcer: and now another episode of Appalachian Emergency Room Christmastime.
(setting takes place in the hospital waiting room)
Receptionist: Percy and Netti Bo Dance
(banjo music starts playing)
(Percy and Netti get out of their chairs and walk up to the receptionist)
Percy: Well, since it’s Christmas Eve we were doin’ like we always do – puttin twinkle lightson all the wheelchais in our backyard.
Netti: Yeah, wheelchairs is better than lawnchairs cause they got wheels on ’em.
Percy: I was drillin’ a hole in an electric outlet so I could fit a electric pronger in there and don’t you know I slipped on our baby pool.
Netti: Yeah, our baby pool always freeze over around Christmastime.
Percy: Turns out it asn’t a baby pool that was froze over, it was the satellite dish we keep down in that baby pool.
Netti: You Know, I keep tellin’ our druggy son to take the satellite dish to his house but he don’t have a hause.
Percy: Well, that’s none of their business. Anyway, long story long, I got electrocuted and I smell like burnt popcorn.
Receptionist: Room 2
(Percy and Netti’s druggy son walks into the waiting room holding a big gulp)
Druggy son: Hey ma, could you try and score me some of those prescription pads.
Netti: You got it
Percy: That’s our Druggy son
(the druggy son walks out of the waiting room)
Netti: Yeah, he’s our druggy son and I tell you what i gonna steal, I’m gonna steal one of them kidney – shaped spit- up dishes so I could put my christmas nuts in it
(Percy and Netti leave the waiting room and went to room 2)
Receptionist: Otis Peaks and Tiny Nations
(Otis and Tiny walk into the waiting room, Otis is wearing a santa hat and Tiny has a jart shoved through his hand)
Otis: All right now. How you doing? Here’s this. My cousin and me right here we was throwing jarts at each other cause the ring you throw en into was stuck up on the roof.
Tiny: Yeah here’s the thing I was running away from a jart that was coming at me and I woul have outrun it, but I crashed in my ferret condo I was building with my new wife’s ex-husband.
Receptionist: Now are you feeling any pain in your hand?
Tiny: No, this here’s a prosthetic hand I carved out of some foam rubber.
Otis: Uh-huh. That’s right bur here’s this (Otis takes his santa hat off to show the receptionist the jart shoved right threw his head)
Tiny: That there’s a jart.
Otis: There’s a jart up there, right there there you are, right in this general area over here somewhere
Tiny: That area right there
Otis: Right here
Receptionist: Yeah that’s room 4
Otis: Room 4 all right we got it
(Otis and Tiny walk out of the waiting room and head to room 4)
(Tyler walks into the waiting room holding a watermelon with a red bow on it)
Receptionist: Oh Tyler you got me a gift now that is sweet of you.
Tyler: It was sweet and then – hold on
(Tyler lets go of the watermelonbut it’s stuck on to his groin)
Tyler: Give me a second while I think this over.
Receptionist: You take your time Tyler take your time.
(Tyler thinks)
Tyler: Okay I got it
(Tyler grabs the watermelon)
Tyler: I was wrestling this watermelon in the snow and my wife was playing with a mousetrap on the front porch. Well, that trap went off and it startled me so much that my belt undid, my pants flew off, and then I slipped groin – forward onto this here watermelon. You can have it if you can get it off.
Receptionist: No that’s okay Tyler you go ahead and keep it it’s better to give than receive
Tyler: That’s good ’cause I sure gave it to this watermelon.
(Tyler leaves the waiting room and goes to another room)
Receptionist: That’s inappropriate Tyler. It’s an inapropriate thing to say.
Receptionist: Sandy Joey Juggerson
(Sandy walks into the aiting room dressed as a shepherd)
Sandy: Okay everybody, listen up. Here’s the timeline as follows, we was doin’ a profesional live nativity scene over by the lake’s picnic area. And since no one showed up. The girl who was playing Mary and I found ourselves ingesting a lot of bers. Now I;m not gonna lie to you, I was and I still am highly intoxicated. Now you stay with me. Now what happens when you’ve doin’ a live nativity that no one shows up to ? Correct – turns into a fartin’ contest. The good news – I won. The bad news – I think I pushed a good deal of my pooty pucker out, and it went and ripped. I’m your medical ball of clay. Mold me.
Receptionist: Room 10
Sandy: Now can you ensure that nobody steals that baby Jesus off the back of my bike? That there’s a cabbagepatch collectible
(Sandy leaves the waiting room and goes to Room 10)
Receptionist: Mr. Johnny Knoxville
(Johnny walks into the waiting room with a piece of wood shoved in the middle of his pants)
Johnny: Hey, How you doing man? I got a little situation, I kinda on purpose nailed this two – by – four to my ABC.
Receptionist: What’s an ABC?
Johnny: My ass-ball connection. Anyway, that’s two weeks ago andit’s really startin’ to smart, so…
Receptionist: OK you want to go straight down to the ICU—
Johnny: Oh I know where it is.
(Johnny leaves the waiting room and goes to the other room)
Announcer: We’ll be right back with more Appalachian emergency room Christmastime.
Man: Ah! Come over here! Over here! Mee-mah, jackpot! We got a table!
[Mee-mah, an elderly woman, approaches with a large shopping bag, and she sits with the man as they put down paper plates]
Mee-mah: Oh, jackpot! Woo, the holidays! I didn’t think we’d be able to get a table; it’s so crowded. You think there’s enough room for all of us?
Man: Totally. Man, I need this pizza. We’ve been walking around for hours in the cold.
Mee-mah: Oh, all this Christmas shopping. I’m just so tired.
[a bell rings, the door opens, and a powerful wind sweeps through the restaurant, blowing away one of their paper plates]
Mee-mah: Should we move? The wind is just ripping through that front door there.
[they set to righting things on the table]
Man: I don’t think there’s anywhere to move to. Don’t worry. It’s not that bad.
[Mee-mah stands to retrieve her shopping bag, which has also blown a ways away]
Woman: [approaches with a baby stroller] Oh, honey, great, you got a seat. Oh, and there’s room for the stroller. This is so great. It’s so busy in here. [sits] Oh, I am exhausted.
[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows more powerfully than before, bowling everyone over slightly]
Woman: The baby! The baby! Close the door! Close it! [wind stops] Woo! Oh, oh, my God! Should we sit somewhere else?
Man: No, there’s nowhere else. It’s okay. The door’s closed and it’ll just, you know, we’ll weigh everything down. That’s how you do it. [places napkin holder on a paper plate]
Mee-mah: So, what do you guys want to do next?
Woman: You know, I wouldn’t mind looking at the tree again.
[man stands to get some more paper plates, which he places on the table]
Man: I’d like to go ice skating if we can get a reservation.
[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows even powerfully than before, sending scraps of newspaper and other debris flying about]
Woman: Oh, no! Aaaaah!
Mee-mah: Goodness gracious! Get the door! I can’t get out of my seat!
[the man stands and pushes the door closed]
Man: That’s right!
Woman: Oo-ee!
Mee-mah: I could not get out of my seat!
Woman: That wind is something. It is something.
Mee-mah: You know what? It’s brisk, is what it is.
Woman: It sure is.
Man: It’s beyond brisk.
[some other customers stand]
Woman: That wind is–
Man: Oh, look! They’re getting up over there.
Woman: Oh, oh, honey, go grab that table. Grab the table!
[as the man gets up to get the table, a second man rushes over and sits at it]
Man: Excuse me, we saw this table first.
Homeless Man: [hisses]
Man: [backing away] I see.
Woman: Okay, I guess we’re not moving tables.
Man: [sits back down] It’s okay. It’s not so bad. Oh, look. It’s snowing. It’s beautiful.
Mee-mah: You know, snow reminds me of the Christmas you were born.
Woman: Oh!
Mee-mah: Your grandfather was still alive.
Woman: Oh, man.
Mee-mah: Yes, he would have really enjoyed–
[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows as powerfully as before, sending drifts of snow blowing through the restaurant]
Woman: Oh, no!
Mee-mah: Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!
[wind stops]
Woman: Oh, God!
Man: Is everyone okay?!
Woman: Oh! Oh! As soon as we get this pizza, let’s go!
Waiter: [arriving with pizza on a tray] All right, here we go, folks, here we go. Wow, you guys are brave sitting over here by this door.
Mee-mah: Yeah, it’s a little breezy, yeah.
Waiter: Uh-oh, everybody brace yourselves!
Woman: What?
Man: Oh, no!
[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows still more powerfully than before, sending first all of the napkins flying, and then the woman’s scarf, and finally the pizza tray up into the waiter’s face as he falls back and away, before finally stopping]
Woman: Where did our server go?
Man: I think the wind took him.
Mee-mah: This damn, damn wind!
Waiter: [returns] Woo! Uh, sorry about that. Here’s your pizza. [places badly mangled pizza on the table] Yeah, I apologize for the face print. You know, I’m going to the doctor now. [limps away]
Man: God, get me a slice.
Woman: God, honey, okay, here you go. Here you go, sweety. [hands him a slice]
Man: Let’s eat this before the portal to Hoth opens again. [he takes a bite]
Mee-mah: Uh-oh, there’s someone at the door.
[a potential customer stands at the door, looking uncertainly at the menu]
Man: No! Uh-uh! No way! This is not happening again.
[the man stands and rushes to the door, holding it closed, while the customer tries to push it open and is ultimately successful after about ten seconds]
[the bell rings and the wind blows yet more powerfully than before, blowing off the customer’s toupee and sending Mee-mah flying up into the air, while the man and woman succeed in briefly keeping her just above the table but ultimately lose their grip, allowing her to fly completely out of sight]
Man: [struggles to door and finally closes it] I got it! I got the door!
Woman: Oh, Mee-mah!
Man: Mee-mah!
Woman: Mee-mah!
Man: Mee-mah, are you okay?!
Mee-mah: [struggles across the floor and finally into her chair] I’m all right! I’m all right!
Man: Are we all here? Thank God we’re safe! Let’s leave this wretched Sbarro before the wind from this door rips us apart!
Woman: Come on, Mee-mah, let’s go.
Man: Let’s go, Mee-mah.
[the man and woman open the door]
Woman: Woo!
[Mee-mah follows after taking a quick bite of pizza]
[dissolve to exterior, where tiny action figure versions of the characters are blown completely away, and the Sbarro sign is blown off the building as well]
