Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Mrs. Bartalotti…..Amy Poehler
Donny Bartalotti…..Ben Affleck
Priest…..Chris Parnell
Smithy…..Seth Meyers
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

Sully: Tommy! Is that thing on?

[ camera nods Yes ]

Sully: Alright. Hey! This is Pat Sullivan – we’re gathered here at the Knights of Columbus, to honor the nuptials of one of the biggest heartbreakers of all time – our dear friend, Mr. Donny Bartalotti! This is the worst thing to happen to the women of the greater Boston area, since Nomar started scrubbin’ Mia Hamm.

Denise: Best wishes, Donny! I’m glad you finally found a woman who will support you – both financially, and financially.

Sully: Denise, you’re looking radiant.

Denise: Oh, thank you – it’s a loaner. On loan from Dress Barn, to be returned tomorrow, applying a bit of Febreze to my hot spots!

Sully: You ah gross.

Denise: You ah!

[ a drunken Mrs. Bartalotti enters ]

Mrs. Bartalotti: Oh, my god.. this wedding is an abomination!

Sully: Hey, Mrs. Bartalotti!

Denise: You must be wicked proud!

Mrs. Bartalotti: Ohhh, God. Get me another whiskey sour, sweetheart..

Sully: No problem. [ removes bottle of whiskey from his pocket, and pours for Mrs. Bartalotti ]

Mrs. Bartalotti: Ohhh, beautiful.. God love ya.. [ turns ] Eileen! Ain’t this a shockah!

[ Donny Bartalotti enters the scene ]

Sully: Bartalotti!

Donny Bartalotti: He likes to party!

Sully: He don’t date fuglies!

Donny Bartalotti: He’s after all the hawties! What’s up, bro!

Sully: I haven’t seen this idiot in two years! The last I heard, he got fired from the Army.

Donny Bartalotti: Yes! Apparently, I was too awesome for the Armed Forces! It’s good to see youse guys – Sully, Denise – you’re the best! Thanks for showin’ up!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd, what are you talkin’ about? All we had to hear was Donny’s gettin’ married, and open bar!

Donny Bartalotti: [ laughs ] Well.. [ piano music begins to play ] Uh-oh.. looks like we’re startin’ up! Next time you see me, this finger will be covered in Zale!

[ Donny exits to front, where he takes his place at the alter next to another man. A Priest begins to officiate the ceremony. ]

Priest: We are gathered here today to join Donny and Smithy.. two souls brought together by their fobidden love.

[ Tommy pans the camera back to Sully and Denise, whose faces express extreme shock ]

Priest: A marriage is a new beginning.

Sully: Denise.. how many beers have I had?

Denise: [ unsure ] ..Maybe a sixer?

Sully: And how many grooms do you see before you?

Denise: There appeahs.. to be two.

Sully: Do you see a bride?

Denise: I see not a bride.

Priest: — For they have found in each other.. companionship.

Sully: Are we bearing witness to a same-sex matrimony?

Denise: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We were not given fair warning!!

Sully: This cannot be! Donny Bartalotti cannot be gay! He’s my hero! I haven’t felt this betrayed since the Yankees stole A-Rod.

Denise: Wait a minute.. wait a minute, wait a minute.. here it is. [ reads from invitation ] “You are cordially invited to a committment ceremony for Donny Bartalotti and Michael Smith!”

Sully: I thought it said Michelle!

Denise: Oce again, we suffah the repurcussions of our poor reading comprehension.

Priest: And now.. Donny and Smithy will read their vows.

Donny Bartalotti: [ clears throat, reading from a sheet he pulls out ] “My dearest Smithy.. from the moment I seen you in line, standin’ there lookin’ all gorgeous at Kelly’s Roast Beef.. teasin’ me, with your tight pants on.. I knew you were meant to be my life partnah! your love has opened up parts of my heart.. that I did not know existed – especially the queeh part! There are so many things – [ begins to tear up ] sorry this is hot – you are wicked good at. Wiffleball.. X-Box.. candlepins. And that’s just for startahs. You are everything to me. You combine the tenacity of Bobby Orr, the grace and class of Larry Byrd, and the heart, soul and spirit.. of Nomar.”

Smithy: Nomar!!

[ camera pans back to a stunned Sully and Denise ]

Sully: [ still one with Nomar, though relunctant ] Nomar..

Donny Bartalotti: Nomar!

Smithy: You’re.. so queeh.

Donny Bartalotti: You are.

[ they kiss ]

Sully: Stop, stop, stop!

Donny Bartalotti: What are you doin’, bro?!

Denise: Donny! Donny! You are not gay! Okay? What about the time we did it in the Little Pete’s parking lot?

Sully: Wait, wait, what? Where was I?

Denise: Oh, you were inside tryin’ to buy rubbers.

Sully: The irony.

Donny Bartalotti: Denise, Denise.. while my pahts do respond equally to administrations from either gender.. my heart belongs only to Smithy.

Smithy: You got me right here, bro.. you got me right here!

Donny Bartalotti: You’re my other half, you gay bird, you! Come here!

[ they kiss again ]

Sully: Hey, alright, none of it! I was raised to believe that a marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.. and another mysterious woman that shows up at his funeral.

Donny Bartalotti: Listen.. bro. Don’t start with me, alright? You don’t want to fight with me, at my gay wedding! ‘Cause I’ll get down with ya!

Smithy: Do NOT make my lover and I F you up on OUR special day!!

Mrs. Bartalotti: Oh, my Gawd, Donny.. why couldn’t you be a priest?!

Denise: Alright.. settle down, settle down, everybody, settle! I apologize for the interruption. You know what, Sully? You should be ashamed of yourself, okay? Everyone should have the same kind of love.. that Donny and Smitty have.

Sully: Denise, I’ve been begging you for the kind of love that Donny and Smitty have, and you never let me do it! Not even once!

Denise: You are so perverted!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out, as Frank enters ]

Frank: Hey, Denise. You promised you’d set me up with some bridesmaids.

Denise: Oh. Yeah.. uh.. big problem, Frank – they’re all gentlemen.

Frank: I don’t care. A pronise is a promise.

Sully: Forget it, Frank. We’re leaving.

[ Frank silently turns away ]

Donny Bartalotti: No, no, no.. what are you talkin’ about? You guys stay. Of all my friends, you guys are the only ones that showed up! Not Waddy.. Champy.. Tags.. Digby.. Squeezebox.. Ooey or Casper.

Sully: Not even Weebs?

Donny Bartalotti: [ solemn ] Not even Weebs.

Sully: Well.. Suly and Zazoo are here! And, where we go..

Sully & Denise: So goes the pahty!

Smithy: Alright, then! Let’s move to the reception portion of the evenin’! There’s a bar in the front.. and, if you’re ready to eat, line up in the rear!

Sully: Tommy! Please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy shakes the camera Yes ]

Sully: Good! ‘Cause..

Sully, Denise, Donny: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Donnie G. and Sidecar

Donnie G…..Ben Affleck
Sidecar…..Fred Amisen
Housewife…..Amy Poehler
Italian…..Horatio Sanz
Bank Teller…..Maya Rudolph

[ presented in black and white ]

[ show Tab Masterson as Donnie G. on police motorbike remove his sunglasses and wink at the camera ]

[ SUPER: “Tab Masterson” ]

[ show Quentin Miller as Sidecar in the motorbike sidecar remove his goggles and smile at the camera ]

[ SUPER: “Quentin Miller” ]

Announcer: “Donnie G. and Sidecar”.

[ show Donnie G. and Sidecar in the motorbike and sidecar riding up the street ]

[ title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Brought to you by Palmolive.

[ show Palmolive product card ]

Announcer: Episode 1: Killer on the Roof.

[ SUPER: “Episode 1: Killer on the Roof” ]

[ dissolve to Housewife standing on the sidewalk, as Donnie G. and Sidecar rush into the scene ]

Housewife: I’m glad you’re here! I’m so scared! I think he’s on the roof!

Donnie G.: Relax, little lady. Donnie G. is here! When I’m around, nobody gets hurt. ‘Cause that’s the way Donnie G. does things.

Housewife: Just get him off the roof!

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. hey, Donnie, before we do anything, uh.. can I just talk to you for a second?

Donnie G.: Sure, buddy, what’s on your mind?

Sidecar: Hey, you know how I ride in the sidecar?

Donnie G.: [ smiling ] Of course I do, Sidecar! That’s why I call you Sidecar!

Sidecar: Yeah, well, uh.. you put me on the curb a couple of times there. Just try to be careful.

Donnie G.: [ chuckling ] Oh, did I? I’m sorry, brother! I didn’t mean to surf the curb, I just got a lot on my mind! [ rubs Sidecar’s helmet, knocking his goggles to the pavement; Affleck smiles in surprise but doesn’t crack up ] You okay?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, it just hurts my back a little biy.. it doesn’t have great shocks, and.. you know what I’m saying, right?

Donnie G.: [ bends down to retrieve Sidecar’s goggles ] Hang on to these, pal. You got it. Me and you, we’re a team!

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie and Sidecar – you have a 10-20 in progress – over.

Donnie G.: 10-20? That’s disturbing the peace. We gotta go! I know a shortcut!

Sidecar: Alright, man, let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Housewife: But what about the killer on the roof?

[ shots ring out, as Housewife scatters along the sidewalk ]

Housewife: Oh! Oh! Oh!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar fidgets as Donnie G. drones on to himself ]

Sidecar: Hey!

Donnie G.: It sounds like it’s gang-related —

Sidecar: Donnie, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: Boy, those gangs today —

Sidecar: Turn, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: — will be sorry when they see me riding —

Sidecar: Mailbox!

Donnie G.: — my new motorcycle —

Sidecar: Mailbox! Mailbox, mailbox, mailbox!

[ a mailbox comes flying at Sidecar, knocking him unconcious ]

[ dissolve to Italian standing in front of his restaurant, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Italian: These boys are-a making-a too much noise! I hope those cycle cops show up soon! [ looks over ] Oh! Thank God you’re here! Hey! They only buy some stuff.. and they-a in here making too much noise!

Donnie G.: Noisemakers, huh? Sidecar, you go around back.

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, his goggles askew ]

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. Donnie..

Donnie G.: What happened to you?

Sidecar: Remember how I kept saying.. “Mailbox” back there, all the time?

Donnie G.: Yeah, that was funny, what was that about?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, I was saying that because you were about to slam into one of those gigantic, industrial mailboxes.

Donnie G.: Oh. Did I hit it?

Sidecar: You did. you did, very hard, and I think I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Donnie G.: Well, what do you want me to do?

Sidecar: Well.. I want you to calculate an extra five feet of space – on your right – for the sidecar, which I’m sitting in. That’s all you need to do.

Donnie G.: No problemo! I just got a lot on my mind these days!

Sidecar: Okay. Just try to remember that I’m sticking out on the side, and I don’t have any control —

Donnie G.: Right, right.

Sidecar: — It’s really scary for me.

Donnie G.: Yeah! No, I got it, I got it!

Cycle Radio Voice: There’s a 320 in progress, at the First National Bank.

Donnie G.: I know a shortcut through the park.

Sidecar: Alright. Let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Italian: Wait a minute! You didn’t do anything about the noisy people in here! [ looks at camera and smiles ] Oh, by the way.. I’m Italian!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar grips tightly to the back of the sidecar as Donnie G. fails to pay attention to him ]

Donnie G.: Boy, I’m glad I thought of this shortcut..

Sidecar: Donnie! There’s a huge family picnic!

Donnie G.: I’m gonna clean this city up —

Sidecar: Donnie! Try to turn!

Donnie G.: — or my name’s not —

Sidecar: There’s a kid, Donnie! There’s a kid!

[ a child bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Watch out! There’s a dog! A dog, dude!

[ a dog bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Please, please! Trash can! Trash can!

[ a trash can smacks Sidecar in the head ]

Sidecar: Buffet! Food!

[ pieces of food are scattered across Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Turn, please! There’s a grill! It’s a grill, Donnie!

[ Sidecar is knocked unconcious by the full force of a grill ]

Donnie G.: — I’ve gotta tell you, I sure love being Donnie G..

[ dissolve to Bank Teller standing outside thebank, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Bank Teller: Robbery! Robbery! Somebody call the cycle cops! There are bank robbers in the bank where I work!

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, ma’am, help is here, in the form of me and Donnie G.’s sidekick – Sidecar! [ laughs ] You hear that one, Sidecar!

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, the grill attached to his stomach ]

Sidecar: It’s very funny. Great. Uh.. you see this, uh.. you see this grill around my neck?

Donnie G.: I see that. Why are you wearing that crazy thing! [ smiles ]

Sidecar: Well, uh.. you drove me through a. through a family picnic.

Donnie G.: No, I didn’t. I drove past a family picnic.

Sidecar: Yeah, but uh.. but the part I was in went right through it.

Donnie G.: That’s impossible! I left plenty of room on the left!

Sidecar: I’m on the right, Donnie.

Donnie G.: Oh. You’re right, my left.

Sidecar: No, it’s the same right, Donnie! [ aggravated ] Look, let’s do this – why don’t we switch, alright?

Donnie G.: Switch? Tell me how that’s gonna work? Your name is Sidecar! I mean.. if Sidecar isn’t in the sidecar, well.. that’s just too damn confusing!

Sidecar: Right. I can’t argue with that, but, uh.. do me a favor – just try to watch out for that space on the right. A little leewayt, that’d be great, I’d really appreicate it.

Donnie G.: No problem.

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie G., Sidecar – there’s a 520 in progress at the malt shop.

Donnie G.: Uh-oh. I know a shortcut.

Sidecar: [ pleading ] Okay. How about this? What if we don’t take a shortcut, we just take Main Street right down the middle.

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, Sidecar, it’ll save time – it’s through the sword museum!

[ Donnie G. rushes out the scene as Sidecar relunctantly follows ]

[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Donnie G. and Sidecar”..

[ dissolve to Donnie G. speaking at Sidecar’s funeral, at a podium in front of a framed photo titled: “Sidecar: 1925 – 1955” ]

Donnie G.: He was the best. I’ll always remember my little Sidecar, right there on my left.. I mean, my right.

[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: That’s next week! On “Donnie G. and Sidecar”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Gigli

Director…..Amy Poehler
…..Ben Affleck
Justin…..Chris Parnell
Frondi…..Fred Armisen

[ open on interior movie studio, as “Gigli” is being filmed ]

Director: Okay, Ben. This is Justin – he’s playing Brian, the mentally-challenged guy that you’re kidnapping.

[ Ben and Justin exchange their pleasantries ]

Director: So, Ben – your mark’s right over here, have a seat.

Ben Affleck: Okay, great.

Director: And, um.. just so you’re aware – a lot of these extras are really mentally-challenged people. So.. please try to be sensitive.

Ben Affleck: Oh, yeah. Sure. [ turns to the mentally-challenged people ] Hi, guys! Hi, everyboy!

Mentally-Challenged People: Huh-hiii!

Ben Affleck: [ to Justin ] Alright, uh.. you want to run lines?

Justin: Uh.. sure. [ recites his line ] “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch.”

Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.” Okay, we got it!

Director: Okay, everybody, then.. we’re making just a little lighting adjustment, so if you could bare with us..

Justin: Okay.

Ben Affleck: No problem.

[ mentally-challenged Frondi, leans over from the next table ]

Frondi: Ben! Ben!

Ben Affleck: [ turns to face the guy ] Yeah, what’s up?

Frondi: I’m your faaaaan.

Ben Affleck: Great.. great. thanks, man, what’s your name?

Frondi: Frondi!

Ben Affleck: Okay.. Hi, Frondi.

Frondi: Hiii!

Director: Okay, everybody. We’re ready. We’re ready to try one. Everybody ready, feeling good? Okay, great! “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 1.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

[ Frondi leans into the frame each time, appearing lost and wayward ]

Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Brian? Okay?”

Justin: “Are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”

Off-Camera Voice: Cut!

Director: Okay, cutting, everybody – cutting. I’m sorry, Justin, I think they want you to chage your shirt, okay?

Justin: Oh.

[ Justin exits the scene to change his shirt ]

Director: We’ll just be a minute, then.

Frondi: Ben! Ben!

Ben Affleck: Yeah, Frondi.

Frondi: I don’t think this movie’s gonna worrrk.

Ben Affleck: What?

Frondi: Well, the script has a lot of hoooles in it.

Ben Affleck: That’s not a very nice thing to say, Frondi..

Frondi: Be-e-e-ennn.. it’s got lo-gic prob-lems.. and it’s too talky.

Ben Affleck: Well.. that’s your opinion.

[ Justin returns to the scene, wearing a different colored shirt ]

Director: Okay, everybody, let’s go again. Everybody, ready? Quiet, plese – we’re going again. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 2.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

Ben Affleck: “Brian. You gotta come with me. Okay?”

Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “What? No – yeah. Yeah, we’re going to go to the Baywatch.”

Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!

Director: Cutting, everybody – we’re cutting. Could we please get a touch-up for Ben, please? Touch-up over here? Thank you.

Frondi: Ben! Be-e-en!

Ben Affleck: Yes, Frondi?

Frondi: Audiences don’t like to see real-life couples on the scree-eennn.

Ben Affleck: Really, Frondi?

Frondi: They find it off-putting!

Ben Affleck: And, how do you know all this stuff, Frondi?

Frondi: Well.. “Eyes Wide Shut”.. “The Marrying Man”.. “Shanghai Surprise”..

Ben Affleck: Well.. “Gigli”‘s gonna break the mold, alright?

Frondi: “Gigli”‘s a terrible title.

Ben Affleck: [ aggravated ] You know what?! I don’t think it is! I think you’re wrong! I think people are going to say, “Hey! That sounds interesting! How do you pronounce that – is it “Jiggly”, is it “Gigli”? It’s an interactive title! It’s a water cooler’s topic of conversation! I think it’s great!

Frondi: Yeah, yeah – no!

Ben Affleck: Uh.. no offense, Frondi, but I think I know a little mroe about this stuff than you do. And I think “Gigli” is going to be a big, big hit!

Frondi: I don’t think so.

Director: Okay, everybody – quiet. We’re going again. And.. “Gigli”, Scene 7, take 3.

Off-Camera Voice: Action!

Ben Affleck: [ distracted ] “Brian.. you gotta come with me to the Baywatch..”

Justin: “Ar-are we going to the Baywatch?”

Ben Affleck: “Yeah, no, what, we’re going to the Baywatch..”

Off-Camera Voice: And.. cut!

Ben Affleck: [ turns to Frondi ] You know something, Frondi?! You epitomize the kind of fear-based Hollywood thinking I’m trying to get away from with this picture!!

Frondi: Yeah.. well.. it’s your funeral, Ben.

Ben Affleck: Yeah, it is, Frondi.. yes, it is my funeral.

Frondi: And then you’re falling in love with the lesbian again? Oh, brother.. I didn’t like it the first time, when it was called “Chasing Amy”.

Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Why don’t you SHUT UP, you ASS!!

[ the room grows silent ]

Director: Oh, my God.. Ben Affleck just yelled at that mentally-challenged guy!

Ben Affleck: [ desperately ] No, I didn’t! I was kidding!

[ cut to spinning edition of The National Enquirer, with headlines: “Affleck Mean To The Mentally Challenged” and “Frondi vs. William Hung” ]

[ edition of a spinning People: Mentally Challenged lands, with Frondi giving thumbs-up thumbs-down on the cover with headlines: “Gigli Reviewed Inside” ]

[ edition of a spinning Us lands, with headine: “Bennifer Split Over Frondi?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Goodnights

…..Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck: Alright! Thanks to N.E.R.D.! Thank you, Kelly Ripa![ looks at N.E.R.D. band members ] I think their album drops March 23rd, March 23rd is the album. [ looks around him ] Thank you very much, cast and crew. Go see “Jersey Girl” – why not? Thank you all very much, thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Ben Affleck’s Monologue

…..Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck: Thank you! Thannk you, thank you! [ clears his throat ] It’s great ot be back here, this is my second time hosting “Saturday Night Live” — [ audience erupts into cheers ] Very exciting. A lot of you know I have a new movie coming out – “Jersey Girl” – I’m very excited about that. It’s great to be back here on the East Coast – a lot of people know I’m from Boston, but what you may not know about me is that I was actually born in California. Yes. My family moved to Boston when I was about three.

Here’s another thing, you may not know about me – at one time.. I dated Jennifer Lopez. [ audience cheers ] I-it’s true. You may not have been aware of that, because, maybe, you’ve been, say.. trapped in a mine shaft for the last eighteen months. Or, maybe you just don’t enjoy watching TV. Or.. reading magazines. Listening to the radio. Or talking to people. Or walking down the street, say! Honestly, I was pretty shocked at, uh.. all the attention we received. There was only one thing tht really bothered me, though. and that was, being referred to as — [ audience member yells “Bennifer!” ] Bennifer. Thank you, sir. [ audience cheers ] I mean – Bennifer. How hard is that? How hard is it to say two names, instead of one? Ben and Jennifer – Bennifer! You’re not saving that much time! It was on the cover of every magazine in America, and they were selling a lot of magazines. But I did not see Dime One!

That is why.. I’m selling these babies right here. [ pulls out a t-shirt that reads “Bennifer” ] I had the name trademarked, printed up about 50,000 units – all sizes, 100% Egyptian cotton – beefy T’s. This is a quality product, folks. However, it turns out, that, when you make a product of this quality, you ned about eight months lead-time. So, uh.. they all came in last week! All 50,000 of them! Yeah. Long story short – I’m pricing them to move! $10 a piece; $15, if I sign them; for $20, I’ll sign them “Bennifer”! Okay? Now.. my timing was a bit off, I’m not going to get caught in a buy like that again. I’m thinking ahead – I got my bases covered for the next time. You ready?

[ pulls out a second t-shirt that reads: ]

Benyonce!

It could happen. I mean.. nobody saw the J-Lo thing coming.. Or.. or.. how about..[ pulls out a third t-shirt that reads: ]

Boprah.

What, be honest – she’s looking very good these days! A very attractive woman.

[ clears throat ] I guess this is, maybe, a kind of a long shot, but..

[ pulls out a fourth t-shirt that reads: ]

Mary-Kate and Ashfleck

Now, this one is for the off-chance that I get together with Marcia Gay-Harden: [ pulls out a fifth t-shirt that reads “Ben-Gay” ]

Or.. or.. or, or.. in the unlikely, but.. wonderful event – hope, hope – that Matt finally comes around.

Alright! We’ve got a great show! We’ve got 2-for-1 t-shirts in the back! N.E.R.D. is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

The Full Moon Killer

Alan…Ben Affleck
Glenn…Chris Parnell
Female Coworker…Amy Poehler
Steve…Will Forte

[open on an office break room]

Glenn: You know about that serial killer the papers are calling “The Full Moon Killer?”

Alan: [very cultured voice] I know of him. I know he takes his victims each month on the full moon. I know he’s a brilliant psychopath who has struck fear into the heart of the city. I know he has those bumbling police running in circles. [chuckles] Yes, circles as perfect and round as the moon itself. [sips coffee]

Female: Well, then you must have heard the good news, then.

Alan: Good news? Can’t be that they caught him. Because I think I would know if the Full Moon Killer was finished with his bloody but delicate work. At any rate, we’ll soon know, as this month’s full moon fast approaches. [sips coffee]

Glenn: Well, that’s just the thing. This month’s full moon was last night, and he didn’t kill anyone.

Alan: [spits coffee] What’s that now?

Female: Yeah, last night the full moon came and went and there was no murder.

Alan: No, that’s not possible. I happen to follow astronomy, and the full moon is tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Glenn: Well… [lifts newspaper from table and reads] “For the first time in a year, the full moon came and went without a victim.

Alan: This is inconceivable.

Female: Well, it’s true. That pervert may finally be done with his killing spree.

Alan: First of all, [forcefully puts down coffee mug] I doubt he’s a pervert. He’s probably a refined gentleman: rakish, devilishly handsome, cunning. Cunning as the wind. Second of all, it’s not a “kiling spree.” It’s the glorious will of my master! I mean his master, not my master. And third, the full moon is tomorrow night. Tomorrow!

Female: Wow, you’re really invested in what night the full moon is, Alan.

Alan: Ah, no. No. It’s just, from what I read about the Full Moon Killer–who, by the way, would prefer to be called “Lunarius, disciple of Vorp”–he’s a pretty together guy, and if his refrigerator tells him to kill someone every full moon until his mommy comes back to life, well, then, by Jove he’s gonna do it!

Steve: Hey, did you guys hear about how that moon weirdo forgot to kill anyone this month?

Female: Yeah, what a jerk.

Alan: You know what? Maybe the jerk is Janice from accounting, who went on maternity leave and dumped all of her work in the Full Moon Killer’s lap! I mean, he didn’t even have time to think straight, let alone kill anybody. [Glenn and female coworker begin chuckling] Boy, when his refrigerator hears about this… [notices laughter] What’s so funny? Don’t you laugh at me! Don’t you laugh at me!

Female: Alan, we’re messing with you! The full moon’s not until tomorrow.

Glenn: Dude, this is the sports section. [lifts paper again] I was totally BSing you.

Alan: Wait a minute. Does that mean you guys know?

Glenn: That you’re the Full Moon Killer–oh, sorry, [air quotes] “Lunarius?” We had an idea.

Steve: I mean, you left your manifesto on your desk the other week. By the way, “sex zombie” ends “ie,” not “y.”

Alan: [jovially] Oh, man, you read that?! That’s private, Steve. I mean, I am so embarrassed. I’m so one of those guys who wants to get caught, you know? I never thought I would be, but I am.

Female: You totally are. You totally, totally are!

Alan: I can’t believe this! Not funny, you guys! [waggles admonishing finger] Not funny, Glenn!

Female: Oh, man, the look on your face was classic.

Glenn: [mimicks Alan] Oh, ah, there’s just no way that he would forget to, ah, kill someone, ah, er…

Alan: I am never gonna hear the end of this, you pranksters.

Steve: Well, to be fair, it was mostly Glenn’s idea. [points at Glenn]

[Glenn holds up his hands and nods acknowledgingly]

Alan: Well, then the joke’s on him, because he’s gonna be my next victim!

Glenn: Oooooh.

[scene freezes]

[narrator and title: AND HE WAS!]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Finesse Mitchell
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

The California Supreme Court on Thursday halted gay marriages and then announced that it would decide in May or June whether same-sex marriages are legal. A spokesman for the court said, “DRAMA!”

The 25 members of Iraq’s governing council signed a landmark interim Constitution Monday. Officials say it’s the first Constitution in history to end with the words, “Here goes nothing.”

Jimmy Fallon: Singer David Crosby was arrested in New York when hotel workers found an ounce of pot, a knife, and a .45-caliber handgun in his room after he checked out. Man, what did he remember to take with him?

The first same-sex couple in New Jersey was married Monday in Asbury Park. Really, in all of New Jersey, the gay dudes had to get married in a place called Ass-bury Park? Really? C’mon.

Tina Fey: President Bush’s victories in the Southern primaries have given him enough delegates to seal the Republican nomination for a second term. While Bush had no real opposition, Republicans did get to choose between Cowboy Bush, Action Guy Bush, Martha Stewart Bush, and Bush Regular.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, with tax season upon us, here with a little tax advice is our very own financial guru Finesse Mitchell, ladies and gentleman. [polite applause, Tina cheers; pan to Finesse]

Finesse Mitchell: Thank you, thank you. Thanks Jimmy. You know, I didn’t always tell jokes. I am a graduate from the University of Miami, and they have some of the best college professors Cuba has to offer. However, I don’t know crap about taxes, I’m gonna be honest with you all, because this is my first year with a real job. But I do know a lot about bill collectors, so right now, I’m speaking on behalf of all the people who ever took out a student loan for college when I say, “Back up off me, Citibank! Back up! Because I know I’m late on my payments, but stop calling me, and stop shouting at me in those nasty letters-

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, wait, wait, wait- they shout at you in the letters?

Finesse Mitchell: Oh, oh, Jimmy- my letter will start out real nice, in black ink. “Dear Finesse: We notice you are 60 days late on your student loan payment.” And then it’ll switch to the red, bold ink. “If you do not pay back your student loan, we will make it so that you will never be able to buy a house. If you do not pay back your student loan, we will make it so that you will never be able to buy a car. We will ruin your credit. You will never get financed. We will have you deported. You will never be an American citizen,” and I’m like, what? How much power does Citibank have?

But now I’m mad, and since I’m a college graduate, that means I have to sit down and take time out of my day and write them back, with my black pen, and my red pen. And I start out real nice in black ink. “Dear Student Loan: Thank you for making me aware of my lateness.” And then I switch to my red pen. “But I don’t want no damn house, and I don’t want no damn car. I can make a million dollars, and live in my momma’s house, and drive my momma’s car, for the rest of my life, just to tick y’all off. [applause]

“So listen. Please stop calling my house between the hours of one and two, because that’s when Days of Our Lives come on and you keep interrupting my soap opera. Now Marlena is the Salem Serial Killer, and she’s killing about two people a day, so how can I send you money when people are just dying all around me? ‘Cause you’re being selfish.” And then I get my black pen, and I sign it: “Sincerely, Finesse Mitchell.” And then I mail that back off to them Jimmy, that’s what I do.

So on behalf of anyone who owes money, I say, listen up banks. Put away those red pens, and back up off us!

Jimmy Fallon: Finesse Mitchell, everybody! [applause]

Tina Fey: On Monday, Viacom pulled Martha Stewart’s TV show from stations around the country. Martha’s only been off the air one week already, and look how my meatloaf turned out! [Tina lifts up a pan with a dead cat covered in tomato sauce] I need you, Martha! [pan is placed back underneath the desk]

Despite the fact that Stewart had disgraced herself too much to hold an official position at OmniMedia, the company may still use her name and images to sell their products. You know, sort of like Clinton and the Democrats.

DirectTV has filed suit against OJ Simpson, accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, DirectTV has been stabbed to death. [applause]

Jimmy Fallon: According to a new report, half of all young Americans will get a sexually transmitted disease by the age of 25. [Addressing a different camera, zoomed in on his face] You’re welcome.

[applause] I get all embarrassed–

Starting this month, all employees at Starbucks’ North American stores will be required to complete four hours of new training. The course is called, “How Not to Talk to Your Friend When There are 20 People Waiting in Line, Dammit.” [applause]

Tina Fey: This week, singer Diana Ross was ordered to serve additional jail time in Tuscon, Arizona after Ross failed to serve her original sentence in a Connecticut jail. Here to defend herself is Diana Ross.

[polite applause; pan to Diana]

[SUPER: “Diana Ross / Singer, Convict”]

Diana Ross: Wooo! Hey hey! All right! [plays with her large hair] Hi everybody! Hi Tina-na-naaa!

Tina Fey: Hi! Hi, Ms. Ross. Now- now I’m a little confused here. Why do you have to go back to jail?

Diana Ross: Oh, they’re sayin’ I didn’t serve enough time. But let me tell you something, Tina-na-naa, I was at that jail! I was at that jail a lot. I spent a lot of time at, and around, and near that jail! [gives herself a hug]

Tina Fey: Now as I understand it, you were allowed to ss- [cracks up] they let you self-schedule your time. Did you serve the whole 48 hours?

Diana Ross: Oh sure I did, Ticki-Tina! I mean, I only left once when I ran out to the 7-11 for some turkey jerky! Oh, you know how that is, Tina, when you gotsta have your turkey jerky!

Tina Fey: No, no, I don’t.

Diana Ross: But that was one of the only times I was not at, or around that jail! I swear it! Oh, except for those couple of times when I left jail to meet a friend for drinks. And then the one other time I went to the grand opening of a Wendy’s, and they paid me 500 dollars and all the hamburgers I could eat! But other than that, I was almost always at, around, next to or inside of that jail! [plays with her hair some more]

Tina Fey: So, how much of the 48 hours did you actually serve?

Diana Ross: About 45 minutes. But it felt like an hour! Ooh, cut me some slack, Teeny-tootsie-tiny-Tina! [rubs Tina’s chest]

Tina Fey: Diana Ross, everybody! [applause] Thank you, Ms. Ross. Thank you.

Pier One Imports has replaced spokesperson Kirstie Alley with Tom Filicia of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” Fortunately, Alley was able to find a new job over at Pier 6. [photo of Alley driving a truck at a real pier] She’s working.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s nice.

Here’s a nice story from Holland. A cocker spaniel hunted down a rabbit, but instead of killing it, the spaniel has adopted the animal as his friend. Hey, that’s kinda like how we met, Tina.

Tina Fey: Yes, but I still plan to kill you. [both pause for a moment]

Jimmy Fallon: A 52-year-old man in Kenya said to have gone ten years without taking a bath was grabbed by villagers, tied up, and forcibly washed down. The question is, what was Mickey Rourke doing in Kenya in the first place? [applause]

Tina Fey: With sweeping wins in last Tuesday’s primaries, it comes as no surprise that John Kerry has clinched the Democratic nomination. What has surprised some is how quickly the Bush camp has moved into attack mode against its presumptive adversary. Here to comment is Weekend Update exclusive campaign correspondent President Bill Clinton. [polite applause; pan to President Clinton]

[President Clinton smiles and nods; some laughter]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, Tina. And may I say once again how very lovely you look.

Tina Fey: Well, thank you Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: No, no, no, I mean it. I don’t usually go for the smart, well-informed, freethinking types. I tried it once many years ago, and- [shakes his head] good God, it didn’t work out. But you’ve got me rethinking that position. And imagining a whole bunch of new ones.

Tina Fey: All right. Please, just get to your piece.

[President Clinton grins]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you for that line. [Once he composes himself, he waves to Jimmy]

Jimmy Fallon: How you doing, man?

President Bill Clinton: Hi Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: How you doing? Good to see you!

President Bill Clinton: It’s only March, and already President Bush has started airing attack ads against John Kerry. To that I can only say, brother, you gotsta chill. You’re the president, man. You got to live it up! When Bob Dole first came around I barely noticed. I had my wife in charge of Medicare; I was out chasing tail. [grins, nods; applause] I was in the middle of a reelection campaign, and I…did…not…care…at all.

Meanwhile John Kerry has a lot of people up in arms over his remark that Bush’s people are a bunch of liars and crooks. Word of advice, my friend: that may not be the best angle. I got called a liar and the next thing you know I’m making deals with DreamWorks, my wife’s a senator, and I’m the first white dude in the black hall of fame. [laughs, then suddenly becomes serious]

This is not war, folks. This is a couple of Ivy League nerds slap-fighting over the last cucumber sandwich. Wake me up when the real stuff gets going. I mean, seriously, has there even been one impeachment in this presidency? [shakes his head] Get off your asses, fellas! You have a lot to work to do. Jimmy, Tina?

Tina Fey: President Clinton, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Z105

Joey Mack…..Jimmy Fallon
Dirty Dan…..Ben Affleck

Joey Mack: Good morning, Saugerties. Joey Mack and the Fuzz here. We got Man in the Box we got Andrea with traffic.

Andrea: Pretty hairy on the 9W guys.

Man in the Box: Maybe she got a bikini wax..

Joey Mack: Oh Man in the Box, get BACK in the Box! All that and more when the morning mix returns.

Jingle: Z105!

Joey Mack: So anyways to get back to my story, I had like two of those 7 layer burritos, lets just say they didn’t schedule and bathroom breaks in the middle of my neice’s christening.

Andrea: THAT’S GROSS YOU GUYS!

Joey Mack: Long story short, I end up christening my DVD’s with a load of chocolate pudding. 5:44 in the AM, well be right back.

Jingle: Z105!

(Enter Dirty Dan)

Joey Mack: Dirty dan the garbage man! Together again dude!

Dirty Dan: Yeah its great.

Joey Mack: Well, Welcome to Z105. It’s gonna be great to have you here, man.

Dirty Dan: Thanks, thanks.

Joey Mack: You’re gonna love this place. I’ll tell you what, you’re comin’ on in a couple minutes right?

Dirty Dan: Yeah!

Joey Mack: Why don’t I introduce you during the show and it’ll be a lot smoother transition.

Dirty Dan: Oh, hey, great I appreciate that.

Joey Mack: Yeah? It’s gonna be awesome man.

Dirty Dan: I’ll just jump right in.

Joey Mack: You know how to put on the headphones right?

Dirty Dan: Right, right on.

Jingle: Z105!

Joey Mack: AND WERE BACK! Folks, real special guest here this morning: Dirty Dan the Garbage Man, Z105’s newest DJ is here.

Dirty Dan: HEY SAUGERTIES WHATSUPPP!!

Joey Mack: Hey! Haha, whats up? Nice.

Man in the Box: Classic.

Andrea: You’re hilarious, Dirty Dan.

Joey Mack: Whoa calm down Andrea! Looks like someone’s trying to get some moudaki.

Man in the Box: Looks like she’s givin’ out free moudaki coupons!

Andrea: Man in the Box! C’mon you guys!

Joey Mack: All right settle down. Dirty Dan and I started together at a college station over at Rutgers… Piskatawnee. And, uh, he went down to Tampa-St. Pete, and he’s been tearin’ that place up. Now, Dirty Dan, I understand the FCC kicked you off the air for something you said down there?

Dirty Dan: That’s right! I had this character the Notorious HIV.

Joey Mack: Yeah?

Dirty Dan: They didn’t dig on it… I’m not really allowed to talk about ’till the lawsuits over, but, uh, what it is it it’s goin’ straight on my Easter album. Here comes peter chasin’ Tail, CAN U DIG IT!

Joey Mack: Oh that’s funny.

Sanji: odiididididodo

Joey Mack: Oh our intern Sanji just joined us. Sanji, what’s goin’ on, buddy?

Sanji: rodidididi Dirty Dan is hilarious! I am a huge fan of Dirty Dan!

Joey Mack: So Dirty Dan, what’s your new show gonna be like, buddy?

Dirty Dan: Well, it’s called Dirty Dan the Garbage Man and the Morning Wood, and you gotta look out, its MAY-HEM! Alright, hey-uh you mind if I bring my crew in here?

Joey Mack: Naw, sure, go right ahead, come on in.

Dirty Dan: Alright, okay, come on in you guys. Alright, lets see, that guy right there is Sherlock Homo.

Sherlock: Elementary my queer Watson!

Dirty Dan: Whoa. This guy right here is our favorite half-Vulcan half-gangster rapper, 2spock!

2spock: Yo, I just wanna say live large and prosper biatch!

Dirty Dan: That guy right there is Man in the Can

Man in the Can: What’s up Joey Mack?

Dirty Dan: And this sexy lady over here is Andrea with the traffic

DD’s Andrea: Hey everybody, hey Man in the Can!

Man in the Can: I’d like to get in your can!

Dirty Dan: Man in the Can get BACK in that can!

Joey Mack: Okay, that’s uh, that’s really great. 5:50 in the AM we’ll be right back.

Jingle: Z105!

(Off air)

Joey Mack: Hey, uh, what was that about?

Dirty Dan: What?

Joey Mack: What? You totally stole my characters, dude.

Dirty Dan: No, dude. No I didn’t, I mean I, uh..

Joey Mack: Oh, well, I don’t know: Man in the Box/ Man in the Can?!?

Dirty Dan: (pause) Yeah, I don’t see how that’s similar.

Joey Mack: You have Andrea doin’ the traffic!?

Dirty Dan: Hey, she works for the station, man.

Joey Mack: What!

Dirty Dan: You know what, hey u know what bro, we go back. If this bothers you, we’ll just squash it right now.

Joey Mack: Okay, no I’m cool.

Dirty Dan: I’ll throw it away

Joey Mack: Yea?

Dirty Dan: No, yeah. Forget it.

Joey Mack: No I’m cool. Alright. It’s alright.

Jingle: Z105!

Joey Mack: And were Back! Joey Mack here with Dirty Dan the Garbage Man. We got Man in the box, Andrea, Sanji the intern

Sanji: ridodidodido

Dirty Dan: Hey! And we got MY intern, Rajnij!

Rajnij: Dododidido, hello! Oh my goodness, how are you doing Joey Mack?

Joey Mack: Alright, 5:52 in the AM we’ll be right back.

Jingle: Z105!

Joey Mack: What was that?

Dirty Dan: What, dude? Sanji and Rajnij are from different villages!

Joey Mack: Alright, alright. I see how this is gonna be alright. (quickly) And were back! Folks, Dirty Dan the Garbage Man just pooped his pants. We’ll be right back.

Jingle: Z105!

Dirty Dan: And we’re BACK! Joey Mack just tried to grab my wiener, no kidding! I think he’s into me!

Joey Mack: And were back! Folks, Dirty Dan just pooped on his own weiner. Hes got a poop wiener!

2Spock: Yo, whatup. This is 2spock. It’s illogical but Joey Mack pooped his pants!

Sanji: RODIDIDODDIO Dirty Dan just took out his purri and his tandurries, eww!

Andrea (JM): That’s gross you guys!

Joey Mack: (ghetto voice) Yo, that’s straight up disgusting man!

Dirty Dan: Uh oh, Joey Mack’s got a major league woody. OH!

Sherlock: I’m Sherlock Homo and I love it!

Man in the Box: Looks like he’s got a, he’s got a melted fudgesicle in his pants.

(Sanji and Rajnij at same time)

Sanji: You’ve got a poop wiener! I saw your wiener! Its all curved and poopy and I don’t like that. I’ll never talk to u again

Rajnij: What did u do. You do NOT say that I have a fudgesickle in my pants. I can see your weiner! You have gangly wiener!

Andrea: (together) OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!

Joey Mack: Oh my god you guys, Andreas right, cmon

Dirty Dan: We don’t have to fight, bro.

Joey Mack: I mean, after all we’ve been through.

Dirty Dan: You know what, bro, what do you say we bring out old bit out.

Joey Mack: Yeah I didn’t even think you had remembered it.

Dirty Dan: Come on bro, course I remember it, let’s bring out, let’s bring em back.

Joey Mack: You mean the one and only?

Dirty Dan: Yes! The gay 3 stooges bro!

Together: HELLO HELLO HELLO, HI!

AND WERE BACK!!

Submitted by: Pbiava

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 3rd, 2004

Donald Trump

Toots and the Maytals

None

Carolyn Kepcher

George Ross

Ben Harper

Jack Johnson

The Roots

Daniel Bedingfield The ApprenticeSummary: In a parody of “The Apprentice”, Donald Trump must choose to fire Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon or Finesse Mitchell. Lorne Michaels wants in on the fun, too.

Note: Donald Trump wanted to deliver the opening line, but it was given to Carolyn Kepcher instead because “he’s already a billionaire.”

Transcript

MontageNote: Lindsay Lohan was originally slated to host this episode, but was pushed back in order to coincide with the theatrical release of “Mean Girls.”

Donald Trump’s MonologueSummary: After stroking his ego, Donald Trump authorizes his back-up Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) to fire Jeff Zucker (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Jeff Zucker.

Bio: Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump (1946-) joined the reality TV craze with the advent of “The Apprentice.”

Transcript

Fear Factor JuniorSummary: Joe Rogan (Fred Armisen) puts grade schoolers to the test.

Note: The dad is played by Rob Riggle, who will join the cast of SNL next season as a featured performer.

Transcript

Live! with Regis & KellySummary: Regis Philbin’s (Darrell Hammond) close, personal friend Donald Trump controls his own ratings during an interview.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa.

Star JonesSummary: As he walks away from the “Live!” set, Donald Trump runs into Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) in the audience.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones.

Donald Trump’s House of WingsSummary: Following the styles of Derek Jeter and Rev. Al Sharpton, Donald Trump opens his own corny theme restaurant.

Transcript

Toots and the Maytals with Ben Harper and Jack Johnson perform “Love Gonna Walk Out on Me”Bio: Frederick “Toots” Hibbert, Raleigh Gordon and Jerry Matthias formed reggae/ska group Toots and the Maytals in the late 1960’s. They disbanded in the early 1980’s, but reformed during the following decade.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Tina Fey doesn’t want to go through with revamped “Weekend Trump Date” format. Odd things fall on an irate Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth’s (Maya Rudolph) head during her guest commentary.

Note: Cut segments include: Chris Parnell as a movie critic, and a Boston Red Sox commentary by Seth Meyers.

Transcript

The Prince and the PauperSummary: A bored Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) trades places with a janitor (Donald Trump).

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Transcript

Fathers and SonsSummary: Peter Fleck (Seth Meyers) tries to connect with his tough-love dad (Donald Trump).

Transcript

9/11 HearingsSummary: Richard Clarke (Darrell Hammond) proclaims his advanced knowledge of 9/11.

Transcript

Toots and the Maytals with Bootsy Collins & The Roots perform “Funky Kingston”

The Apprentice BandSummary: Donald Trump, George Ross (Fred Armisen) and Carolyn Kepcher (Amy Poehler) practice their band with a performance of “She’s Got Class.”

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Star Jones IISummary: Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) stops Donald Trump once again, to discuss “American Idol” with him.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents a cartoon about Donald Trump.

A Private MomentSummary: Donald Trump shares a private moment with his money, then shreds it.

Trump’s BookSummary: Donald Trump writes a love story but releases it on audio.

Meet The PressSummary: A song braks out as Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) interviews Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Condoleeza Rice.

Star Jones IIISummary: Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) follows Donald Trump through the studio, then breaks up with her fiance, Al Reynolds (Finesse Mitchell).

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds.

Jayson WilliamsSummary: Jayson Williams (Finesse Mitchell) discusses his recent scandal with his lawyer (Donald Trump).

Note: This sketch is also cut from next week’s episode with Janet Jackson.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

9/11 Hearings

Commissioner Richard Ben-Veniste…..Fred Armisen
Richard Clarke…..Darrell Hammond
Jamie S. Gorelick…..Rachel Dratch
John F. Lehman…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: We now resume our live coverage of the hearings by the committee investigating the September 11 terrorist attacks already in progress.

Commissioner: Mr. Clark you have told this committee that despite repeated request you were not granted a private meeting with the President to discuss the terrorist threat until the 15th of August 2001 is that correct?

Richard Clarke: That’s Correct.

Commissioner: Can you describe to the committee what went on at that meeting?

Richard Clark: I told the president that in my opinion Al-Qaida represented an absolutely urgent threat to our national security but that no one in the administration would listen to me.

Commissioner: And what was his response?

Richard Clark: He said that he didn’t see how addressing the Al-Qaida threat would benefit the wealthy then he offered me a beer.

Commissioner: Did you accept?

Richard Clark: No. I told the president that it was a little early in the day for me to be drinking and that frankly he ought not be drinking either.

Commissioner: What happened next?

Richard Clark: The President opened a bottle of beer and started to drink it and for the next hour or so I just watched him drink beer after beer.

Commissioner: What did you and the president talk about?

Richard Clark: Mostly the president wanted to talk about …beer. About how much he enjoyed drinking it, and how he liked to drink as much beer as he could whenever he could.

Commissioner: Did you ever return to the subject of terrorism?

Richard Clark: Yes after the president had finished drinking all the beer on hand…which was alot. He told me that because of the enormous quantity of beer he drank he couldn’t remember what we were meeting about. So once again I brought up the urgency of dealing with Al-Qaida.

Commissioner: And do you recall his response?

Richard Clark: Vividly. He said Al-Qaida, Al shmata. And then passed out on his desk.

Commissioner: Did you attempt to revive the president in order to continue urging him to take the threat from Al-Qaida seriously?

Richard Clark: I was about to but the door opened and Karl Rove came in.

Commissioner: And what was his reaction?

Richard Clark: He sourda of laughed and said not to worry about it. This sourda think happened all the time.

Commissioner: And since the president was unconscious did you raise with Mr. Rove your concerns about the terrorist threat.

Richard Clark: Yes I did.

Commissioner: And did he listen?

Richard Clark: No, he simply said, “Terrorist threat, shmerrorist shmeat.” Then warned me that if I told anyone what I had seen in the room I would end up “like the others.”

Commissioner: So Mr. Rove was in the habit of having members of the White House staff murdered.

Richard Clark: Yes, it was a regular practice.

Commissioner: That’s something that certainly bears further investigation but unfortunately I see my time is up.

Chairman of the Commission: Mrs. Gorelick.

Jamie S. Gorelick: Now Mr. Clark after this incident you were never again allowed a private meeting with the president. Is that correct?

Richard Clark: Correct.

Jamie S. Gorelick: But about 10 days later on the 25th of August 2001 you did meet privately with Vice-President Cheney.

Richard Clark: Yes.

Jamie S. Gorelick: What happened at that meeting?

Richard Clark: I told the vice-president that no one in the administration was taking me seriously. But, I was convinced that some kind of Al-Qaida attack was imminent.

Jamie S. Gorelick: And your warning turned out to be eerily prophetic didn’t they.

Richard Clark: Yes. Yes they did.

Jamie S. Gorelick: And did the vice-president say anything in response?

Richard Clark: He told me that I worried too much…that I had a very handsome face. And that when I looked…I looked more handsome when I smiled. And then he…touched me in what I considered an inappropriate manner.

(Jamie S. Gorelick looks dazzled and shocked)

Jamie S. Gorelick: Mr. Clark I can see this is difficult for you but I must ask you why wasn’t the incident with the vice-president not mentioned in your book?

Richard Clark: I felt that under the circumstances it was more appropriate to withhold that information for my next book.

(Jamie S. Gorelick nods her head)

Jamie S. Gorelick: Mr. Clark I thank you for your testimony.

Chairman of the Commission: Mr. Lehman.

John F. Lehman: Mr. Clark apart from the matter of terrorism, where there any other issues where you felt the White House failed to listen to your warnings.

Richard Clark: Yes, although not as important as the Al-Qaida threat.

John F. Lehman: Could you elaborate?

Richard Clark: Well, last October during the 7th game of the playoffs between the Yankees and the Red Sox I became convinced that Pedro Martinez needed to be pulled after the sixth inning. I felt strongly that he was losing his stuff and that without pressure from the White House the Red Sox manager would leave him in and the consequences would be disastrous. But I couldn’t get through to the president.

John F. Lehman: And I guess you’d say that once again your warnings turned out to be prophetic didn’t they.

Richard Clark: Yes, yes they did.

John F. Lehman: Anything else.

Richard Clark: Well, when I learned that Janet Jackson was going to do the Super Bowl Halftime Show I tried desperately to get the White House to intervene. I just had a bad feeling about that one. And I was right.

(John F. Lehman nods his head)

John F. Lehman: Uh huh.

Richard Clark: Also I tried for years to get somebody to clean the White House gutters, they’re absolutely filled with leaves. That it’s an accident waiting to happen. But, don’t get me started on the White House maintenance department.

John F. Lehman: Alright, very good. Well I have no further questions and unless Mr. Clark you have anything to add.

Richard Clark: No, those are the main points.

John F. Lehman: Alright, in that case I suggest this committee adjourn.

(camera shows actual footage of 9/11 hearings as announcer begins to speak)

Announcer: This concludes our coverage of to fays hearings of the committee investigating the September 11th terrorist attacks we know return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Submitted by: Roman R. Silva

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