Author: Don Roy King

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Colin Firth’s Monologue

…..Colin Firth
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Colin Firth.

[ Wild applause. Colin Firth arrives center stage and bows, and then bows again due to the applause and shouting from the audience. ]

Colin Firth: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m incredibly honored to be hosting SaturdayNight Live. Thank you. It’s a show that requires talents that I have never inflicted on anyone, until tonight so I’m more than willing to give it a go. So consider yourself fairly warned.

Now some of you may know me from “Bridget Jones’s Diary”, where I play the sensible and sturdy alternative to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the movie “Love Actually”, where I play the sensible and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those of you who watch A&E, you might be familiar with “Pride and Prejudice”, where I play the part of Mr…

Amy Poehler: (rushes in, dressed and acting as Elizabeth Bennett, interrupting Colin) Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any possible way that would induce me to accept you.

Colin Firth: OK, I think I know this one. This is (as Mr. Darcy) Such I was from eight, to eight and twenty, and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.

Amy Poehler: (sighs) Wooh!

Colin Firth: That’s a scene from “Pride and Prejudice”.

Amy Poehler: Yes it is. Wow, Colin we’re all just pretty excited to have a classically trained actor like yourself on the show.

Colin Firth: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: And I wanted to show all the people out here that I, Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.

Colin Firth: Well, good for you. (tries to get away from Amy) So on with the show…

(MAYA RUDOLPH descends from a cherrypicker decorated as a balcony and is dressed as Juliet.)

Maya Rudolph: (screaming out in a very non-Juliet manner) Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Denythy father and refuse thy name.

Colin Firth: (laughing) Oh good, more. Hello Maya.

Maya Rudolph: (loud stage whisper, while thumbing through book) Colin, do your part. Your line is “I’ll take thee at thy word.”

Colin Firth: (playing Romeo for her) Call me but love and I’ll be new baptized.

Maya Rudolph: Ooooh, that was good!

Colin Firth: Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have a British accent doesn’t necessarily exclude the possibility that…

Amy Poehler: But you’re the first real actor we’ve had on the show in a really long time.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and Kylie Minogue.

Colin Firth: (ironically) I’m sure that’s true. Uh, shouldn’t we be moving on? Don’t you have an omelet suit for me to wear or something?

(RACHEL DRATCH enters in period dress.)

Rachel Dratch: (interrupting and highly dramatic) Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait withfurrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!

(RACHEL DRATCH surprises Colin by grabbing him unexpectedly and kissing him.)

Colin Firth: (laughing) Well, that was a treat. What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: (distractedly) What now?

Colin Firth: What play? What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: Play? Oh no. I’ve just always had a fantasy about putting on one of these corset things and going to town on some English dude.

Colin Firth: (laughs) Well, there’s plenty of them where I come from.

(SETH MEYERS enters, as Hugh Grant and interrupts.)

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say anything, about giving out sexual favors to Englishmen?

Colin Firth: Hello.

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these lovely ladies.

Colin Firth: (trying to get on with the show) Well, there’s nothing I’d like more, but if I could justget to the end of the…

Seth Meyers: (interrupting and stammering) No, no, no. But, you see, it’s been my experience that if you do love scenes with these American women, our British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty remover. Oh, dear, what’s this? Something here. (He pats one coat pocket and then pulls out a lacy pink panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bullock and, hello, goodness (pulls out another pair) and, yes, Julia Roberts. Lovely.

Colin Firth: Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.

(AMY POEHLER comes in from behind looking angry and pulls them out of his hand.)

Amy Poehler: Come on, Seth! Those are mine!

Colin Firth: (acting as himself) You’re right. Sorry, it’s me Seth. Truth be told, I just wanted to come out here ’cause you’ve worked with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh Grant impression.

Colin Firth: (interested) Oh really? Let’s see it?

Seth Meyers: (pauses with hands on hips, disappointed) That was it. When I came in.

Colin Firth: (looks mockingly mortified, then overcompensates) Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was marvelous. Really.

Seth Meyers: (slighted and a bit huffy) Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to this week, I take it back. I don’t have a heterosexual man-crush on Colin Firth any more.

Colin Firth: You do not? (places his hand on Seth’s shoulder and in a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.

Seth Meyers: (melting) Oh, it’s totally back. I still like you. (exits)

Colin Firth: (smiling) Good. Let’s begin! We’ve got a great show for you. Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Chappell Hartridge…..Kenan Thompson
Kevin Henson…..Will Forte
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on Nightline animated graphics ]

Announcer: This is ABC News: Nightline. Reporting from Washington – Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel in the Nightline studio ]

Ted Koppel: Good evening. For years, she has told us the right way to fold napkins, and she’s told us how to prune our perennials. But, now, a New York City jury has told her she’ll be going to jail. Of course, I’m referring to Martha Stewart, guilty on four counts yesterday. Joining me tonight from New York City, Stewart case juror Chappell Hartridge.

Chappell Hartridge: Hey, Ted! How you feel?

Ted Koppel: I feel good. Mr. Hartridge, this deliberation, which should have dragged on for weeks, took only two days. How did you reach your decision?

Chappell Hartridge: Well.. with the quality and the quantity of the information we had before us, we were able to quickly able to arrive at the conclusion.. that we wanted to be out of there by the weekend.

Ted Koppel: Do you understand the ramifications of your actions? You’re subjecting a 62-year-old woman to a possible 20-year prison sentence.

Chappell Hartridge: Ah, I mean we did what we thought was best – for whitey.

Ted Koppel: Mr. Hartridge, prison is a dangerous place. I mean, have you ever rented that movie “Cool Hand Luke”?

Chappell Hartridge: Uhh.. no, I have not.

Ted Koppel: Well, it’s rough stuff. In your opinion, could Martha Stewart eat fifty hard-boiled eggs, and survive a night in the box?

Chappell Hartridge: [ without much thought ] I think she could.

Ted Koppel: [ nods ] I think you’re right. Also joining us tonight, is a junior analyst with Merrill-Lynch, the brokerage that represented Ms. Stewart – Kevin Henson Mr. Henson, you’re a young broker – was it a fair verdict?

Kevin Henson: Ted, I think this decision sends a clear and, ultimately, good message to all of us on Wall Street. And that is, uh, simply: Martha Stewart got what she deserved, because she’s a huuuge bitch!

Ted Koppel: [ stunned ] I’m sorry?

Kevin Henson: That’s right. Martha Stewart is a big, giant bitch! And now she’s gonna be a jail bitch! Yep!

Ted Koppel: Okay, Mr. Henson —

Kevin Henson: Wait, wait! Let me finish, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Alright..

Kevin Henson: Okay, I hope this leads to a giant bitch hunt! And we go after Hillary. Yeah! Hillary Clinton is a bitch! A massive bitch! She needs to go to jail! Yeah. And, who else, uh.. Yoko! Yoko is a bitch for breaking up one of the most awesome rock bands of all time. Jane Fonda? Bitch! Dr. Laura? big radio bitch! Oprah? Bitch from way back, I always thought she was a bitch! Susan Luderman? The biggest bitch of all time!

Ted Koppel: Who’s Susan Luderman..? I’m afriad I don’t know any Susan Luderman..

Kevin Henson: She’s my boss, Ted. She is a monster bitch! I hate her!

Ted Koppel: Oh. Is it possible, sir, you may have a problem with powerful women?

Kevin Henson: Don’t be a bitch, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Also joining me, from her home in upstate New York – comedienne/political activist Rosie O’Donnell.

Rosie O’Donnell: I’m very angry, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Ms. O’Donnell.. Ms. O’Donnell, where were you when you heard the verdict?

Rosie O’Donnell: I was in New Mexico officiating a lesbian bris. When Parker came to me and said, “Mommies! Mommies! The cooie lady’s going to jail!” I got right on a plane!

Ted Koppel: And, Rosie, do you think that Martha Stewart has been the victim of a witch hunt, so to speak?

Rosie O’Donnell: Absolutely, Ted! But I’m doing everything I can to rally support for her. I’m writing a Broadway musical called “Marthaaaaa!” And I’m going to shoot these koosh balls at people.. who don’t agree with me! [ fires off a couple of koosh balls ] And, also.. I’m starting a cruise line exclusively for persecuted female billionaires and their same-sex spouses.

Ted Koppel: What does that even mean?

Rosie O’Donnell: It means I bought a boat! And.. I’m also gonna buy a house of pies! For Martha!

Kevin Henson: Ted, uh.. I would like to point out that Ms. O’Donnell is a lezzy and a bitch!

Rosie O’Donnell: [ incensed ] Up yours, pallie! I spend more money on jean jackets in one year than you make in your life!

[ Kevin Henson gives Rosie O’Donnell a “So what kind of accomplishment is that?” shrug ]

Ted Koppel: clearly, this is a divisive issue. Joining us now, in an exclusive interview, the woman at the epicenter of this earthquake – newly-convicted felon Martha Stewart.

Martha Stewart: It’s good to be here, Ted.

Ted Koppel: Martha, what is going through your mind.. at a time like this?

Martha Stewart: Modeled, gray cinder block walls.. rough-hewn tangerine jumpsuits.. a timeworn mid-century commmode, to be shared in plain view of others. I’m Martha Stewart. And I’m on a boatload of anti-anxiety medication right now. It’s a good thing.

Ted Koppel: Martha, have the ramifications of this case hit home yet? You’re probably going to be spending at least 18 months in jail.

Martha Stewart: Ted, I sincerely doubt I’ll do any real time. Also, if I’m in jail, who’s going to teach American women how to store their decorative holiday acorns?

Ted Koppel: Who, indeed, Miss Stewart? you’re headed up the river. The big house. The stony lonesome.Have you made a shiv? Will you join the Aryan brotherhood? Have you ever heard of a Blanket Party?

Martha Stewart: Is that anything like a cookie swap?

Ted Koppel: No. A Blanket Party is a prison term for throwing a blanket over a squealer’s head so he can’t identify you when you beat him with a pipe.

Martha Stewart: Oh. That. I’ve been doing that for years. I didn’t know there was a name for it!

Ted Koppel: Martha.. are you scared?

Martha Stewart: Frankly, Ted.. from the way it’s been described to me, prison life won’t be much different from what I’m used to. I’ll be awakened at 5:20 a.m., lift weights in the yard, work in the kitchen for several hours, make someone my bitch, then sit quietly in a dark room until morning.

Ted Koppel: Final thoughts? Any remorse?

Martha Stewart: Well, generally, Ted.. I think remorse is for wussie-pusses. But, yes.. if I had to do it all over again, if I were back on that plane and I got that message to sell N-Clone.. I think I would definitely pick up the phone, and say, “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!

Ferecito…..Fred Armisen
Mañuel Pantalones…..Horatio Sanz
…..Colin Firth

(Loud mariachi music, followed by two title images: Univision en English and ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion!)

(INT. – TALK SHOW SET OF ¡SHOWBIZ GRANDE EXPLOSION!)

(Camera on MAÑUEL (played by Horatio Sanz), mariachi sidekick to the talk show host.)

Mañuel Pantalones: Chicas and Cucarachas! Welcome to ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion! Here’s your host, straight from the looney bin, Ferecito!

(Audience applauds loudly, while the host FERECITO (played by Fred Armisen) enters accompanied by the show’s theme music set to a salsa beat and begins to play the drums.)

Ferecito: Did you feel it? (wants a better response) I said, did you feel it? (audience responds loudly) Man, we’ve got a great show for you today! I’m gonna start right now with my monologue. OK, here goes.

Did you hear about this guy Kobe Bryant? Boy, he’s in a lot of trouble. I hear he’s been traded to the TorontoRape-tors! (hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

Hey Kobe! It’s called, “keep your plantain in your pants!”

Google!

(Cut to MAÑUEL laughing.)

Mañuel Pantalones: Google, that’s right!

Ferecito: Hey Mañuel, let me ask you a question. Do you know what it means when I say “Google”?

Mañuel Pantalones: Computer?

Ferecito: Computers, huh? Mañuel just got his GED. It stands for: “Gee, he’s a dummy!” (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

(MAÑUEL is not amused; his lip quivers.)

Ferecito: Mañuel…I’m jus keeding!

(MAÑUEL responds in laughter.)

Ferecito: Give it up to Mañuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!

(Wild audience response as Mañuel and his band play music.)

Ferecito: (goes to sit at his desk) OK, so how you doing, Mañuel?

Mañuel Pantalones: Oh, I’m alright, you know. I wish I had more money.

Ferecito: Oh, listen, Mañuel is so poor, even his email address is in a bad neighborhood! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

(MAÑUEL is shown laughing.)

Ferecito: Gracias! Gracias! Thank you very much. Now it’s time for my favorite comedy routine called “Los Headlines!”

(MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” in manner of Paul Shaffer’s intros on Late Night with David Letterman.)

Ferecito: (points to an enlarged newspaper clipping on a board a la Jay Leno on the Tonight Show) Check this out. This is from a real newspaper from Montana. It says, “Seven Killed in Bus Crash.” That’s terrible. Butzoom in closer. Look, where it happened. “Butte, Montana.” Butte, Montana! That’s the name of the city. Can youbelieve? You can’t write this stuff. Butte! It says Butte! You know, I would move there, but I bet it stinks.(Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! That was “Los Headlines!”

(MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” to close out segment.)

Ferecito: OK, good job, Mañuel! That’s great. My first guest is Colin Firth. Get it “Firth.” “First guest?”

Mañuel Pantalones: Good thing he wasn’t your “thecond guest!”

Ferecito: Mañuel! You on fuego tonight!

(MAÑUEL, points to FERECITO smiling broadly.)

Ferecito: Let’s bring out my first guest. From the movie Girl With a Pearl Earring, put your hands together for Colin Firth!

(Wild applause as Colin enters and shakes FERECITO’S hand. He sits down in a chair next to the host’s desk.)

Ferecito: How are you doing? Alright? Sit down. So, Colin Firth, you are from England?

Colin Firth: I am. I am indeed.

Ferecito: And, as a fellow foreigner trying to make it here in this crazy country, let me ask you, “Can you believe how many men circumcise their penises over here?

Colin Firth: I hadn’t noticed.

Ferecito: I mean, the locker room of my gymnasium looks like a mushroom farm! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

Colin Firth: (smiling) That’s very funny. Sounds like your gym…it sounds like it’s full of fun guys. (laughs to himself) Get it, mushrooms, fungi?

(MAÑUEL and FERECITO shake their heads, not amused.)

Mañuel Pantalones: I don’t get it.

Ferecito: Yeah, that’s OK, Mañuel. (back to Colin) So, it says here you do a lot of traveling.

Colin Firth: Yeah, actually I just flew in from London on the Red Eye. The flight was so long that they should have called it the Red Back-SIDE! (smiles broadly, waiting for their response)

Mañuel Pantalones: (still not impressed) Oh, boy.

Ferecito: Oh, Colin, I think you need a little bit of help with your comedy delivery.

Colin Firth: What do you mean?

Ferecito: Your jokes just lay there. You need some excitement. Do as Ferecito would, like this. Pretend you have two imaginary guns, like this…(makes two guns out of his hands) and you shoot them off like this at the end of your joke. (He demonstrates, shooting his finger guns in the air.) “Pow! Pow!” (egging COLIN on) OK, let’s try it. You flew in from London…

Colin Firth: I flew in from London, but the flight was so long, they should have been called the Red Back-SIDE.

Ferecito: Now shoot off your guns like this. (He shoots in the air) Pow! Pow!

Colin Firth: (pointing toward the audience) Pow? Pow?

Ferecito: No, no. What are you doing? Not at the audience! That’s dangerous, man. Up here. (Points his “finger guns” in the air.) Is more playful like this.

(COLIN follows suit, pointing his finger guns into the air.)

Ferecito: OK, then stick out your tongue like this.

(FERECITO cocks his head to the side, bulges his eyes out and sticks his tongue out, looking totally ridiculous. COLIN copies him exactly, making a very silly face.)

Ferecito: How does that feel?

Colin Firth: Better.

Ferecito: See, Colin Firth, it’s more professional. Besides any gimmick like that can really help shine up one of those turd burgers you call a joke.

Colin Firth: What?

Ferecito: I’m jus keeding!!

(Music starts to play. FERECITO perks up.)

Ferecito: Oh, listen! That means it’s time to sing. (to COLIN) Do you want to sing with me?

Colin Firth: Sure.

(Both COLIN and FERECITO get up in front of the host’s desk. FERECITO starts swaying side to side with the music. COLIN watches and starts to follow his movements.)

Ferecito: (singing) I say potato, and you say…

Colin Firth: (still swaying) I don’t know this song.

Ferecito: (still singing) I say tomato, and you say…

Colin Firth: No, I’m serious.

Ferecito: (singing) Tomato…

Colin Firth: I’m sorry.

Ferecito: Potato…

Colin Firth: I never heard of it.

(The music stops.)

Colin Firth: (does the silly face) I’m jus keeding!!!

Ferecito: Oh, that’s great! (continues singing) Let’s call the whole thing…

Colin Firth: (singing) Let’s call the whole thing . . .

Ferecito & Colin Firth: (finishing with a flourish) Let’s call the whole thing off!

Ferecito: All right! We’ll see you later!

(COLIN and FERECITO continue to sway as music plays them off.)

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

The Sopranos

Tony Soprano…..Darrell Hammond
Carmella…..Amy Poehler
Furio…..Seth Meyers
Ralphie…..Will Forte
Janice…..Horation Sanz
Steven Van Zandt…..Jimmy Fallon
Clarence clemmons…..Kenan Thompson
Paulie…..Colin Firth

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. Camera pulls back to reveal show title. ]

Voiceover: The wait is over. This Sunday night, the most anticipated event in the history of time. A TV program that puts nature’s greatest wonders to shame. The season premiere of ‘The Sopranos.’ It’s been almost 15 months since the last episode. Are you ready?

[ EXT. SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY HOME – DAY ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ TONY dressed in an undershirt and open bathrobe, enters the kitchen, where CARMELLA is fixing breakfast.

Tony Soprano: Carm, got any of that leftover pasta fagioli?

Carmella: Get it yourself, Tony. I’m not your maid.

Tony Soprano: Whoa, with the hostility! What I’d do?

Carmella: (angrily) You know damn well what you did.

Tony Soprano: (loudly) Well, tell me already!

Carmella: (yelling) All right, I will. I’ll tell you exactly what you did!

Tony Soprano: What?

Carmella: (looking confused) You, ah, oh God, it’s been so long I can’t even really remember, you know. Do you remember, Tone?

Tony Soprano: Nah, I can’t, maybe…I can’t.

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” For the first time since December 2002.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

Tony Soprano: I know I moved into the garage, but wasn’t there a beach house? Something like that?

[ FURIO enters. ]

Furio: Hey, ah, Tony. I’m here to pick ya up.

Tony Soprano: Furio, do you remember ever driving me to a beach house?

Furio: Ah, I don’t think so.

Carmella: Furio, aren’t you supposed to be in Italy?

Furio: Oh. Snap.

[ Furio quickly exits. ]

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: All your favorite characters are back. Tony, Dr. Melfi, the guy who married the fat lady, and the fat lady.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ RALPHIE and JANICE are standing on the other side of the island counter. ]

Carmella: OK, so we’re all agreed, Ralphie’s horse burned down the beach house.

Tony Soprano: Wait a second. Ralphie’s dead.

Ralphie: I am?

Tony Soprano: Yeah, don’t you remember? My sister Janice killed you with the bowling ball.

Janice: No, I killed my other boyfriend. (playfully) But I did put something up Ralphie’s bee-hind.

All: (laughing and speaking over each other) Oh, yeah…that’s right, I remember that.

[ STEVE VAN ZANDT, dressed as himself and not SILVIO, and another member of The E Street Band CLARENCE CLEMMONS, enter the kitchen, as STEVE slides up and down, swaying against TONY’s back, looking as though he’s jamming onstage.

Steven Van Zandt: Hey Tony, mon ami. Hey, we gonna get to work? Hey we gonna whack a guy or something. Gonna whack a guy, huh?

Tony Soprano: (laughing) What are you wearing?

Steven Van Zandt: Well, hey man. Look, I’ve been on tour with Springsteen. I thought the show had been canceled. I dunno. I gotta be honest, I don’t even remember what my character’s name is.

Carmella: Who is that?

Steven Van Zandt: Clarence Clemmons.

Clarence Clemmons: How do? Hey, is that pasta fagioli (pronounced exactly as spelled, instead of correctly)?

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” The show everyone is talking about, because they’re trying to remember what happened last season.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ TONY and CARMELA are watching TV by the counter. ]

Tony Soprano: Okay, so we watched like eight episodes from last season and all I can figure out is Adriana was working for the FBI. Now, Paulie, what happened in the next one? It’s not that one, that turbo one with Jon Favreau, is it?

[ Cut to PAULIE, who has joined RALPHIE, JANICE, CLARENCE and STEVE on the opposite side of the counter.

Paulie: (reading Sopranos video back) Naw, Tone. This one’s when Silvio and Ralphie’s trying to stop a protest at the Columbus Day parade. Oh, I remember. The one with the Indians and, as I recall, that was a stinkertoo. Let’s just skip it and watch the one where Ralphie gets it in the keister again!

[ Everyone laughs and agrees with Paulie. Over the din, Ralphie’s embarrassed protest “Come on guys.” ]

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: This Sunday, “The Sopranos” on HBO.

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Maya Rudolph
Rioter…..Amy Poehler
Peter Jackson…..Horatio Sanz
Elijah Wood…..Rachel Dratch
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[ shown: Martha Stewart ] Ladies and gentlemen! We got her!

Martha Stewart was convicted on all four counts against her, and, if she receives the maximum penalty, she could serve up to twenty years in prison. But don’t feel too bad for Martha, because she would not,/i> feel too bad for you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Hotel Wilson

Randall…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Collins…..Colin Firth
Larry…..Horatio Sanz
Officer David…Chris Parnell
Man…..Seth Meyers
Bellhop…..Fred Armisen

[open on covered entranceway labeled Hotel Wilson]

[dissolve to interior]

[a man in a business suit, Mr. Collins, enters hotel room, closely followed by a bellhop, Randall, carrying his luggage]

Randall: [sets down bags] All righty, here is your room, Mr. Collins.

Collins: Wow, this is nice.

Randall: You in town for the software convention?

Collins: Yeah, that’s right. I came in from London.

Randall: Hey, that’s great. Well, your mini-bar is right over there [gestures stage right]. Extra towels and blankets are in the closet [gestures behind self].

Collins: Thanks, thanks. [Randall holds hand out for a tip] I’ll…oh. [produces some bills from a pocket and gives them to Randall]

Randall: [puts the money in his pocket] I hope you enjoy your stay with us. And if you need anything, please, my name is Randall; don’t hesitate to call.

Collins: Okay, well, Randall, actually, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, I mean, I’m in town for this convention and my girlfriend isn’t here, so, you, ah, you wouldn’t happen to know, um…?

Randall: Oh, you, you’re looking for some professional company? [raises eyebrows meaningfully]

Collins: Exactly, yes. I have to be discreet, because people I work with are staying here, too.

Randall: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that. How much did you want to spend?

Collins: Oh, I don’t know. A hundred dollars.

Randall: A hundred dollars, yeah, that should be fine. Okay, let’s get those pants off! [lunges towards Collins’ crotch and tries to undo his pants]

Collins: No, no, no! [backs away and pushes Randall off of him]

Randall: Hey, hey, come on man! I’m in a big hurry here. If I’m not back down at that front desk in fifteen minutes, I’m in big trouble. Now let’s go. [reaches for Collins’ pants again]

Collins: Please, don’t do that! Please.

Randall: Oh, you know, I’m sorry. I should have said before. I got condoms. [unfurls a strip of about a dozen wrapped condoms] They’re ribbed for your pleasure.

Collins: Well, I don’t care. I don’t care if they’re “ribbed for my pleasure.”

Randall: Oh, well then fine. I’ll turn them inside-out.

Collins: No, that’s not what I had in mind.

Randall: Oh, you’re right. I misunderstood. Sorry. You want to watch me. That’s cool. [flops onto bed in a sitting position and begins to undo his own pants]

Collins: No, no, that’s not what I meant! No, for God’s sake, just stop it!

Randall: You know what? [stands back up] I think I understand what’s going on here. Mr. Collins, you’re a racist!

Collins: No, no, I’m not a racist.

Randall: What, you don’t like black people?

Collins: No, I like black people.

Randall: Oh, well then good, ’cause you’re getting ready to love one. Randall’s about to rock your world! C’mon! [makes playful, sexy gestures and reaches for Collins’ pants again]

[Collins and Randall grapple over Collins’ crotch ]

Collins: No, no, stop, just leave. I’m not a homosexual! [turns away, breaking Randall’s grip on him]

Randall: What, what are you trying to say? I’m a homosexual?

Collins: Well, no, but…You were trying to take my pants off, and I’d say that’s pretty gay.

Randall: No, it’s not. I was gonna be the man. You’re the one that was gonna be sweet.

Collins: No, no, get out of my room!

Randall: Well, where’s my bread then?

Collins: Well, I’m not going to pay you. I haven’t done anything. We haven’t done anything.

Randall: Well then, get your pants off! [reaches for them again]

Collins: No! I’m calling the manager! [rushes to the bedside phone]

Randall: Oh, wait, I’ll get him. [yelling] Larry! You better get in here!

[Larry enters]

Larry: What the hell’s going on here?

Collins: This man’s trying to molest me.

Larry: Randall?

Randall: Man, this dude was going to pay me a hundred dollars to have sex with him.

Larry: Aren’t you supposed to be at the front desk?

Randall: I’m on a fifteen minute break.

Larry: Fifteen minute break? Hurry up, let’s get this dude’s pants off! [Larry and Randall try to pull down Collins’ pants]

Collins: No! No! I don’t want to! Please! [they desist] Look, if it will get you out of my room. Here. A hundred dollars. [gives money to Larry]

Randall: Well, you know what? You called him in here, and you made this a threesome. So that’s an extra hundred.

Collins: No, I will not give you an extra hundred. I’m calling the police.

Randall: Hey, never mind, I’ll get him. [yelling] Officer David!

[Officer David enters]

David: This guy giving you trouble, Randall?

Randall: Yes.

[David passes Randall and walks up to Collins]

Collins: No, no, I’m not, officer. There was this little misunderstanding.

David: Sir! You have the right to remain…horny!

[Randall turns on the radio. Beyoncé’s “Crazy Right Now” plays. Randall and Larry hip-hop dance while David grinds against Collins from behind.]

Collins: [to David] You’re not even a policeman!

David: No, but I have urges like any other man.

Collins: Stop! Stop! [waves arms in wild desperation] Stop the music! Stop! You win! [music stops] Here, take the money! Take the money. Just take it. Go, please. [gives money to all three men]

Randall: Ah, thank you, Mr. Collins. If there’s anything you need to make your stay a little more comfortable, the name’s Randall.

[Randall, Larry, and David exit the room]

[Collins sits on the bed and picks up the phone]

Collins: We’ve got to get out of here. The staff just tried to roger me.

[dissolve to another hotel room, where a man wearing a white undershirt is sitting in bed]

Man: Oh, my God. That’s, that’s terrible. Um, I’ll meet you downstairs, in about… [a bellhop leans over from out of shot to kiss him seductively on the cheek] …thirty minutes. [puts down phone] [to bellhop] This time, I’ll be the caterer. [picks up a bowl of strawberries and begins feeding them to bellhop]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 13th, 2004

Ben Affleck

N.E.R.D.

Kelly Ripa Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend the wedding of Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck), but are surprised to discover he’s come out of the closet for a gay ceremony.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Donny Bartalotti, Frank.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck beats the media bandwagon by showing off the Bennifer-style t-shirts that will accentuate potential future love matches.

Also Hosted: 99m, 04a.

Transcript

Z105 Morning CrewSummary: Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) discovers that pal Dan the Garbage Man (Ben Affleck) has stolen all his characters for his own show.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

Transcript

GigliSummary: While filming the mental institution scene from “Gigli”, mentally-challenged Frondi (Fred Armisen) cautions Ben Affleck that the film will suck.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Mel Gibson explores the making Of “The Passion Of The Dumpty.”

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

Only Bangkok ISummary: A businessman (Seth Meyers) deals with a dead hooker in hotel room while in Thailand.

Transcript

N.E.R.D. performs “She Wants To Move”Bio: Rock band N.E.R.D. (acronym: No-one Ever Really Dies) is Pharrell Williams, Chad Hugo, and Shae Haley.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Finesse Mitchell asks bill collectors to leave him alone. Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) hasn’t completed 48 consecutive hours in jail. Former president Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) comments on the bickering between George W. Bush and John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Top O’ The MorningSummary: Patrick Fitzwilliam () and William Fitzpatrick () welcome their Bono-obsessed friend, Ronald McDonald (Ben Affleck), to the show.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, William Fitzpatrick.

Only Bangkok IISummary: A woman’s (Amy Poehler) marriage to actor Ben Affleck turns sour during her stay in Thailand.

Transcript

Donnie G. and SidecarSummary: Trooper Donnie G. (Ben Affleck) is oblivious that his sidekick, Sidecar (Fred Armisen), is getting banged into objects on the side of the road.

Transcript

Only Bangkok IIISummary: Ben Affleck and Kelly Ripa wreck a businessman’s (Seth Meyers) room during his stay in Thailand.

Transcript

N.E.R.D. performs “Maybe”

The Full Moon KillerSummary: At the office, an employee (Ben Affleck) jeopardizes his secret identity by defending the Full Moon Killer’s missed hit.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Thrill SeekersSummary: Talk show host (Ben Affleck) only pays attention to one of his thrill seeking guests (Seth Meyers), but ignores the others (Maya Rudolph, Finesse Mitchell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Colin Firth episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Desert IslandSummary: Ben Affleck is stranded on a desert island with an overzealous female fan (Rachel Dratch).

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) visits a pregnant women’s yoga class.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok I

Businessman…..Seth Meyers

[ phone ringing ]

Businessman: [ into the mouthpiece ] Hey! Dude, it’s me. Yeah, I know, you were right – Thailand is crazy. Um.. listen, there’s a, uh.. situation. I took your advice – I got a hooker.. No, Kevin, it was not awesome! She came to my room, and we started drinking this bottle of Vodka with a coiled snake in it.. next thing I know, I woke up in the closet, and she’s not moving. [ sighs ] Look! Just shut up! What is the name of that guy? You know, that, uh.. that Dutch guy.. who helps clean up.. “messes.” [ a beat ] Thank you. That is all I needed to know.

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok II

Woman…..Amy Poehler
…..Ben Affleck

[Open on outside of hotel room where two burly men are standing in the doorway]

Woman: Let me get this straight – you’re selling me to these guys?!

Ben Affleck: What?! No-o! Nobody is selling anybody, okay? I’m.. giving you to these guys, to cover some temporary losses I’ve incurred from gambling on Russian Roulette.

Woman: You’ve been gambling on Russian Roulette?!

Ben Affleck: My guy wasn’t supposed to die! I had a system!

[the burly men drag the woman out of the room]

Woman: You’re high again!

[The woman is kicking and screaming as she’s being taken away]

Ben Affleck: Alright.. I may have socially injected some Komodo dragon venom – just because everyone else is doing it.

[ the Woman is carried away by some Thai gentlemen collecting on their debt ]

Woman: Ow! Let go of me!

Ben Affleck: You’re being selfish! You don’t need both your kidneys!

Woman: This is not my idea of a honeymoon! Ben Affleck! Dammit!!

[Ben Affleck shakes his head as the woman continues screaming down the hall]

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

Ben Affleck V/O: Komodo dragon venom..

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok III

Businessman…..Seth Meyers
…..Ben Affleck
…..Kelly Ripa
Old Man…..Darrell Hammond

Businessman: Hey. It’s me. It, um.. it happened again. Well, this time it’s, uh.. it’s a dude. No! I didn’t kill him! The lizard killed him.. and, then, Ben Affleck killed the lizard.

[ Ben Affleck enters, dressed in drag ]

Ben Affleck: It was self-defense! That thing was making fun of me!

Businessman: Yeah. Ben Affleck. I don’t know why he’s here. He crawled in the window at 6:30 this morning, with a baby Kimodo Drago under one arm, and Kelly Ripa under the other. Yeah. From “Regis & Kelly”.

[ Kelly Ripa runs into the room, screaming ]

Kelly Ripa: We gotta cut this dead guy up, and put ihm in a bag! This is bad, man! Ba-a-ad!!

Businessman: Ripa! Chill! I will handle this! Dude.. stop judging me, and just give me that phone number again. [ a beat ] Because the number’s in my wallet, and the wallet’s in the dead dude.

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

[ an Old Man knocks on the door, and enters the room ]

Businessman: He’s, um.. on the bed.

Ben Affleck: Hey, old man – you know anyone who wants to buy a suitcase full of panda meat?

SNL Transcripts