Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 21st, 2004

Christina Aguilera

Maroon 5

None HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) rants against same-sex marriage.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Rosie O’Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Note: The graphic for “Rosie O’Donnell” pops up when the camera cuts to Gary Bauer.

Montage

Christina Aguilera’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon presents a clip from Weekend Update, in which he makes fun of Christina Aguilera’s skank appeal. Meanwhile, Lorne Michaels and the male cast members want her to “whore up” her wholesome appearance. Aguilera ultimately sings her song “Beautiful.”

Also Appeared: 99p, 02o.

Sex And The CitySummary: The final episode reveals that Samantha (Christina Aguilera) is really a man.

Transcript

Do You Know Who My Father Is?Summary: Contestants use their parental clout to win on the game show.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio”, Pat O’Brien can’t stop wondering “What was Britney thinking?!”

History Channel’s Celebration of WomenSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) profiles the first woman (Christina Aguilera) to stand up to her husband.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Maroon 5 performs “This Love”Bio: Maroon 5’s vocalist/guitarist Adam Levine, keyboardist Jesse Carmichael, bassist Mickey Madden and drummer Ryan Dusick started the band as Kara’s Flowers while attending Brentwood High School together. They changed their name in 2001 after adding guitarist James Valentine to the lineup.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: White guy Will Forte comments on Black History Month.

Transcript

You Got Served!Summary: Venice beachgoers face a dance-off with their rivals.

Aguilera Concert BackstageSummary: Various celebrities vist Christina Aguilera backstage after her concert.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne.

Transcript

Besos Y LagrimasSummary: Contorted facial expressions dominate infidelity on a Spanish soap opera.

Note: The title translates as “Kisses and Hugs.”

Note: This sketch was cut from last season’s Salma Hayek episode.

Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.

Note: Repeat from 10/04/03.

You’re FiredSummary: The boss’s (Chris Parnell) sandwich is stolen after he fires Sandy, the belligerant slacker employee (Will Forte).

Transcript

Maroon 5 performs “Harder To Breathe”

Don’s ApothecarySummary: Don (Horatio Sanz) embarrasses customers who are shopping for personal care items.

Recurring Characters: Don.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Aguilera Concert Backstage

…..Christina Aguilera
Assistant…Fred Armisen
Star Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Al…..Finesse Mitchell
Patti LaBelle…..Maya Rudolph
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Kelly Osbourne…..Rachel Dratch

[open on stock footage of Christina Aguilera concert with final lines of “Dirrty”]

[dissolve to Christina and her assistant in dressing room]

Assistant: Oh, I love you Christina honey, you’re really going for it! You okay?

Christina: [out of breath] Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just tired.

Assistant: Okay. Listen, a couple of celebrities want to say hi. Do you want to change first?

[assistant turns and his pink shirt can be seen to read, “I DID JUSTIN THREE TIMES”]

Christina: No, no, no, I’m good. I’m going to sit down and towel off. [sits with a towel]

Assistant: Okay, you just towel down, okay. Here is Star Jones.

[assistant opens door, Star and Al enter]

Star: Oh! How is my baby?!

Christina: How you doing?

[Christina and Star hug]

Star: Oh, my lord, have you met my fiance, Al?

Christina: I haven’t; congratulations!

[Al and Christina shake hands]

Al: Hey, thanks a lot. That was amazing.

Christina: Thanks, thanks a lot.

Star: Listen, you go for it, girlfriend. I don’t care what they say. With that voice, you can skank up the whole house if you want to!

Christina: [clears throat] Thank you.

Star: Yeah, you can sang, girl! That’s what matters. You gonna work that nasty stank box any way you want to. [Christina’s posture becomes less receptive] I mean, wave it, shave it, whatever. ‘Cause you got the voice of a angel.

Al: Straight up, an angel.

Christina: Thanks, but, ah, I really don’t see myself as a skank.

Assistant: [opening door] Christina, here’s Patti LaBelle.

[Patti enters]

Patti: Waaaaa-wooooo! What a night! Where’s my sweet, skanky ho?!

Christina: Hey, Patti, how you doing?

[Christina and Patti hug]

Patti: Oh, baby!

Star: Patti LaBelle! Have you met my fiance?

Patti: Hey, how you doing, Stedman? [Al shrugs nonplussedly] Waaaaa-wooooo! Little girl! Let me tell you, your pipes as good as mine!

Christina: Oh, my–G–th–Coming from you, Patti, that–

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! To hell with them critics, baby. If you want to spread that dripping honeypot, go ahead! ‘Cause y’all got something them other trick bitches don’t; you got a voice! Y’all can do the Washington Redskins up and down for all I care. Go ahead, girl!

Star: That is what I am saying. Christina, girl, you can get it backdoor from the Harlem Boys Choir if you want to. You can sing!

Christina: Um, thanks, but, honestly, you guys, I like to express my sexuality on stage, but because I’m a woman, people call me a…a “whore” for it.

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! Whatever, whatever! Work that nasty fuzzy cup, baby! [pelvic thrusts] See, Janet, dropping her booby, out like that [gestures with hand], but she don’t have your pipes, girl! Y’all can bang Rocky and Bullwinkle for all I care, ’cause you can back it up!

[Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne enter]

Sharon: Hello, everybody! Hello! Yay!

Patti: Yeah!

Sharon: Hello! Hello, Patti! [hugs her]

Patti: Oh!

Sharon: And hello, Star! Congratulations, Stedman!

Al: It’s Alan.

Sharon: Oh, oh, oh, my God. There she is, our little songbird.

Christina: Hi, Sharon.

Ozzy: [unintelligible]

Christina: Thank you, thanks, thanks a lot.

Sharon: Christina, I’ve got to tell you, that was so gorgeous! Who cares if you grind your filthy bum [pumps her arms and gyrates] and shake your man-hungry poon trap? Your voice is like a velvet embrace!

Ozzy: [with unintelligible mumbling] I don’t care if I can smell your muff…voice is…shaft of pure light…live in it just like a f***ing…

Sharon: I agree, Ozzy! I agree! Kelly, Kelly, come in here. Come in here, Kelly. [Kelly Osbourne enters] Apologize to Christina.

Kelly: I’m sorry. You’re so much more than a worn out spunk barge.

Sharon: And? And?

Kelly: And, if I had your voice and body, I’d probably be secure enough to be a nob-gobbling road whore, too.

Sharon: Yay! Time for a hug, everybody, a hug!

Christina: Uh-uh, no. Okay, first of all, you guys don’t get it. You’re buying into the same double standard about men and women that I sing about on my records. Weren’t you listening to any of the lyrics I was singing about on stage: “The guys get all the glory the more they can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore?” I’m just expressing myself and being open and comfortable in my female sexuality and being, you know, strong and secure in my artistic ability.

[Ozzy screams and falls onto a table, breaking it]

Christina: Oh, my God, what just happened?

Sharon: Oh, my God! You made Ozzy think! Somebody get some warm milk and some Vicoden.

Kelly: Dad, don’t die again!

Sharon: Ozzy!

Star: [to Al] Stedman, do something! [smacks him]

[Al kneels to try to help Ozzy]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

You’re Fired

Linda…..Amy Poehler
Mr. Williams…..Chris Parnell
Sandy…..Will Forte

[ Linda enters Mr. Williams’ office ]

Linda: I was going to order lunch, sir.

Mr. Williams: Uh, goodie! Let’s see.. get me a turkey sandwich – rye toast. And, Linda, make sure it has lots of mustard on it. I don’t want to be able to taste the turkey.

Linda: Should I just get it without the turkey, sir?

Mr. Williams: No, no! Keep the turkey, I like its slippery texture. Just make sure there’s a buttload of mustard.

Linda: Yes, Mr. Williams. Would you like me to send in Sandy, now?

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] Sure. Might as well get this over with. Toughest part of my job, Linda – firing people, that is.

Linda: Yes, sir.

[ Linda exits, as belligerant employee Sandy enters ]

Mr. Williams: [ sighs again ] Go ahead and.. take a seat, Sandy.

Sandy: Whatever!

Mr. Williams: Sandman! How long you been with us now?

Sandy: [ sneering ] I don’t know!

Mr. Williams: Ah, it’s probably been close to a month now.. is that about right?

Sandy: I guess so. It feels longer.

Mr. Williams: Well, Sandy, I really don’t see how that can be possible, seeing that you’re barely here.

Sandy: I get sick a lot!

Mr. Williams: Well.. a lot is a bit of an understatement, m’man. It says here, in the month you’ve been with us, you’ve called in sick 18 times. For reasons ranging from “hysterical blindness” to.. “The Elephant Man’s disease.” I don’t think you have the Elephant Man’s disease.

Sandy: Not any more! I pounded some Vitamin C, slept it off!

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] Do you know what time the work day starts around here?

Sandy: Nine!

Mr. Williams: And.. when do you get in?

Sandy: Eleven, usually; sometimes two!

Mr. Williams: Doesn’t that strike you as odd?

Sandy: No way, Jose! I work from home!

Mr. Williams: No, you don’t.

Sandy: So?!

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] So, I’m gonna have to let you go..

Sandy: What?!!

Mr. Williams: You’re fired, Sandy.

Sandy: [ outraged ] What?!! no way, Jose!

Mr. Williams: I’m afraid so.

Sandy: Oh, fine! Fire me! I’ll call my uncle! The law-yer!

Mr. Williams: What for?

Sandy: To sue your butt right out of those fancy pants you’re wearing! This is RACISM!!

Mr. Williams: [ nearly speechless ] We’re noth WHITE!!

Sandy: I mean, this is SEXISM!!

Mr. Williams: This has nothing to do with SEX!!

Sandy: It has everything to do with SEX!! [ a beat ] I got what you want, and it drives you crazy, knowing you’ll never get it!

Mr. Williams: What are you TALKING about?!

Sandy: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve seen the way you look at my body – the knowing glances, the haunting stares.

Mr. Williams: [ confused and appalled ] WHAT?!

Sandy: I’ve felt your hot breath on the back of my neck while you look over me as I sleep at my desk!

Mr. Williams: That is a DAMN LIE!!

Sandy: OR IS IT THE DAMN TRUTH!!!

Mr. Williams: IT’S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT!! NOW, SHUT UP!!

Sandy: NO WAY, JOSE!!

Mr. Williams: STOP USING MY FIRST NAME, IT’S DISRESPECTFUL!!!

[ Linda rushes into the room ]

Linda: Is everything okay in here?!

Sandy: Ah, not unless you consider sexual harrassment o-kay!

Mr. Williams: Linda, he’s lying!!

Sandy: Ohhh.. give me that sandwich! [ seizes Mr. Williams’ sandwich from Linda’s hand ] FREEDOM!!! [ throws himself at the huge office window, landing on the ground directly outside the window ]

Mr. Williams: You know we’re on the first floor?!!

Sandy: I know! But I got your sandwich! Ha ha!!

[ a passing jogger grabs the sandwich and keeps running ]

Sandy: Come back with my stolen sandwich!!

[ Mr. Williams laughs at the irony of the stolen sandwich ]

Linda: [ sits down in front of Mr. Williams’ desk ] Oh, my God! How horrible! I can’t believe he accused you of sexual harrassment!

Mr. Williams: There, there.. it’s okay, Linda. [ massages her shoulders ] There’s a lot of creeps out there. [ lowers his hands to touch her breasts ]

Linda: Hey!!

[ Mr. Williams’ raises his hands in surrender, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Goodnights

…..Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera: [ pulls gum out of her mouth and hides it ] Thanks so much, everybody! And thanks to Maroon 5 for coming.Thanks for making my first time here a special one. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Sex And The City

Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Charlotte…..Maya Rudolph
Miranda…..Rachel Dratch
Samantha…..Christina Aguilera

Voiceover: And now the final episode of “Sex and the City.”

[Sex and the City theme]

Carrie: [voiceover] The worst thing about going abroad was that I missed the other broads, and my brood of broads was broadly brooding, over me.

[The girls are in a bar sitting at a table]

Miranda: [holding a baby] You guys, I miss Carrie.

Charlotte: I miss her face. I miss her cute puns.

Samantha: I miss telling her all the guys that I’m screwing.

Carrie: [coming] You guys! I’m back!

Charlotte: Carrie, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Paris.

Carrie: I came back early because I’ve made a very big decision. I’m gonna marry Big!

Charlotte, Samantha, Miranda: Ohh!!

Charlotte: You made a big, big decision.

Miranda: What about the Russian?

Carrie: Oh! The Russian and I broke up. I have Stalingraduated from that relationship. He was a red square. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: God, Carrie, I missed your hilarious puns so much! [to Samantha] Hey, do more!

Samantha: Your Kremlin turned out to be a Gremlin.

Carrie: Ahahaha. He said I wore too much Moskaula. He’s back in the USSR and I do know how lucky I R.

Charlotte: YAY! I’ve got an announcement too. Harry and I have decided to adopt a baby.

Carrie: Ohh!

Miranda: [holds up her baby] You want this one. I hate it!

Charlotte: OK.

Miranda: Here. [hands her baby over]

Charlotte: Look! I’m a mommy.

Carrie: That’s a pretty good trade. Who’s your storkbroker. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: Yay, puns! I love puns!

Samantha: Well, as long as we’re on the topic of big announcements, I have something to tell you all! I’m a dude!

Charlotte: Well, you certainly date like one.

Samantha: I’m not joking. I’m a dude! I’ve been hiding my candy from you for the last six years!

Carrie: Waaiit a minute! A-a-are you saying that you-you’re a –

Samantha: A tranny –

Miranda: Wait, you’re a –

Samantha: A drag queen, a shanghai surprise, a plum smuggler –

Charlotte: You are a –

Samantha: A private dick.

Miranda: Ok, ok we get it.

Samantha: A weenie in a bottle.

Carrie: Ah-ah, how could I not have known this?

Miranda: I thought you had breast cancer?

Samantha: Well, I did have a lump, but it turns out it was a third testicle. I’m fine.

Carrie: This whole time we thought you were dying, you were having a ball! Ahaha haha haha haha haha haha!

Charlotte: So, you really are a guy?

Samantha: My name is Sa-man-tha and I do live in the Meat packing district, hello!

Charlotte: Well, you’re still my friend and I love you.

Carrie: Here’s to all the Sex we’ve had in this City.

Samantha: Sweet lady New York, you are the fifth whore at this table.

[Carrie’s home]

Carrie: [voiceover] Later that night I got to thinking about Samantha and what kind of puns I can make about her. Maybe something like “You got she-mail” or “Tranny get your gun” and then I wondered, did it matter? Samantha had lied about having a penis, but were we lying about having ha-penis. O-o! Computer Mail Pun-ction. O-o-o well, Bye, everybody, enjoy “The Sopranos.”

[end]

Submitted by: John-Patrick Penano

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Will Forte

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon —

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: [ slight awkward silence from goofing up the intro ] Here are tonight’s top stories.

Howard Dean announced an end to his Democratic presidential bid on Wednesday. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich is dropping out so that he can appear on the next episode of “The Littlest Groom”.

A new line of t-shirts for women has been introduced, based on “Sex And The City”, that features the words “I’m A Carrie”, “I’m a Miranda”, “I’m A Charlotte”, and “I’m A Samantha”. Women who purchase all four will get a free fifth shirt: “I’m A Moron”.

Tina Fey: According to a new study, walking 45 minutes, three times a week, can help aging adults think more clearly and improve decision-making. Whgile jogging five times a week cannot. [ shows picture of President Bush jogging ]

On tomorrow’s “Meet The Press”, Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election, or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by 3 votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, “Stay home, Nerd! You’re the reason we’re in this K-hole to begin with!”

Jimmy Fallon: Sources say that when Mattel decided to give Barbie a new boyfriend, they originally wanted to make him non-white. Sadly, the plan was nixed by KKK Ken. [ show image of Ken with KKK hood ]

Tina Fey: Starting Martch 29th, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly, because the Irish are known for their easy-going tempers and their respect for authority.

Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the part of the Outkast song “Hey Ya” that tells people to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”, because that could actually ruin the pictures. While, in a related story, Bacardi is warning shorties to be responsible and not sip Bacardi like it’s “Dey birfday.”

Jimmy Fallon: The New York Yankees outbid the Boston Red Sox to obtain baseball superstar Alex Rodriguiz. In the end, the Yankees were able to offer him something the Red Sox couldn’t – a boyfriend.

With the help of two friends and $30,000, a Vietnamese farmer fufilled a dream he had of making his own helicopter from scratch. He then immediately fulfilled his other dream: dying in a fiery helicopter crash.

Tina Fey: February is Black History Month. Here onw, with some personal thoughts on the subject, our very own Kenan Thompson.

Will Forte: Hi, everyone! Happy Black History Month! Wow!

Tina Fey: Will! Will, where’s Kenan? Kenan is supposed to be doing this.

Will Forte: Uh, yeah, Tina, uh.. Kenan overslept.

Tina Fey: Well, then.. okay, then, Finesse should be out here.

Will Forte: Finesse, I believe, is entertaining a lady in his dressing room.

Tina Fey: Okay.. then, how about Maya?

Will Forte: Tina! [ chuckles ] ..it’s not Half-Black History Month.

Jimmy Fallon: Just let him do the Black History Month piece, Tina.

Will Forte: Yeah, thank you, Dawg!

Jimmy Fallon: No problem, dude.

Will Forte: Okay, first of all, let me start by wishing all the black people here in our audience a happy Black History Month. [ looks around ] Okay.. let’s see.. Right there! You! [ points into the audience ] Happy Black History Month! Okay.. where else..? Right there! [ points to another part of the audience ] No? My mistake. Okay.. anywhere else? [ looks around some more ] You! Definitely! Okay. So.. Happy Black History Month, to you, and you – and, sorry again, to you.

O-kay. What do I know about black history? Michael Jordan! He’s certainly black. Uh.. and I’m proud of him. Not just for what he did on the basketball court, but also for the Michael Jordan steakhouse. Excellent steaks.. from an excellent black.

Okay.. let’s see.. what else about Black History Month..? [ thinking ] Oh! Rap! I love rap! P. Diddy.. Eminem.. Luther Vandross..

Tina Fey: Will! Will! Do you know anything about black history? You want to talk about.. Martin Luther King, or civil rights?

Will Forte: Look, those are great ideas, Dawg!

Tina Fey: Okay.. I-I’d really like it if you didn’t call me “Dawg”.

Will Forte: Oh, I’m sorry, Boo.

Tina Fey: Yeeeah.. “Boo” is not cool, either.. and you’re running out of time.

Will Forte: Okay. Well, then, I’ll cut right to the chase, Tizzlezina Fizzlezey. Okay! Martin Luther King? Yea! Slavery? Boo-oo-oo! End of slavery? Yea! Michael Jordan? Yes! Eminem? Double Yes! and that’s Black History Month. Goooooooo, blacks! [ points to audience ] You! And you! Gimme a B! [ no response ] No? Okay! Happy Black History Month, everybody!

Tina Fey: Will Forte, everybody. Will Forte.

Jimmy Fallon: This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word “Evolution” when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called “Jesus Horses.”

Tina Fey: A controversial new discipline policy at Lawrence middle School in New Jersey, is limiting students to just 15 bathroom breaks a month. Plus one additional bathroom break if you need to give birth to your baby.

PETA has invited 500 students to participate in a giant nude protest in Harvard Square, under the banner “Fur out, love in.” Although, with 500 PETA girls there, I bet there will still be a fair amount of fur.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon. Good luck at the Oscars, Bill, we’re rootin’ for you!

Tina Fey: Yeah! I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Amazon.com Widgets
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 6th, 2004

Colin Firth

Norah Jones

Ana Gasteyer NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) and his guests discuss Martha Stewart’s (Ana Gasteyer) prison sentencing.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Rosie O’Donnell, Martha Stewart.

Note: During rehearsal, Amy Poehler played the role of Martha Stewart. Ana Gasteyer made the guest appearance for the live show as a personal favor to Lorne Michaels, as she was in town starring in the Broadway play “Roulette.”

Transcript

Montage

Colin Firth’s MonologueSummary: Cast members don fake Shakespearean accents in order to impress Colin Firth.

Bio: English actor Colin Firth’s (1960-) career took off after appearing in the 1995 BBC dramatisation of “Pride and Prejudice.”

Transcript

Bad AccentsSummary: An English actor (Colin Firth) can’t seem to master a Southern accent for his movie scene.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Colin Firth how to tell a joke.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Classic cartoon characters are presented as they would appear if censored by the FCC.

Tim Calhoun On TrialSummary: Politician Tim Calhoun (Will forte) stands trial on drug charges.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Norah Jones performs “Sunrise”Also Appeared: 02g.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Maya Rudolph reports from the streets of New Hampshire, where middle-aged white women are rioting in the wake of Martha Stewart’s prison sentence. Director Peter Jackson (Horatio Sanz) awards a stick of gum to his star, Elijah Wood (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Hotel WilsonSummary: A horny bellhop (Kenan Thompson) misinterprets the signals given by an English businessman (Colin Firth).

Transcript

Meet The PressSummary: Ass-kisser John Edwards (Will Forte) refuses to speak negatively of John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, John Edwards.

Transcript

The SopranosSummary: “The Sopranos” has been on hiatus for so long that even the characters can’t remember their storylines for the new season.

Transcript

Norah Jones performs “What Am I To You?”

Jesus: Hollywood vs. HistorySummary: To counter Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ”, actor Liam Neeson (Colin Firth) presents some never-before-seen footage of Benny Hill (Will Forte) as Jesus.

Recurring Characters: Liam Neeson.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

BackstageSummary: Billy Bush (Jimmy Fallon) talks with Amy Poehler and Colin Firth backstage.

Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Colin Firth), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch sees the light next season on the episode hosted by Jude Law.

KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) annoys a musician (Colin Firth) nursing a hangover while he waits for her mom (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.

Note: Kaitlin would begin her run as a recurring character later in the season. Her mom is never seen on a live episode, though Horatio Sanz assumes the role of recurring boyfriend, Rick.

Gay MarriageSummary: A pair of lawyers (Chris Parnell, Will Forte) advertise the divorce rate of gay marriages.

Friendly DebateSummary: Two guys Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers) debate about voting, but agree on beating up a mime (Chris Parnell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch is also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Ben Affleck episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Discovery TimesSummary: Seth Meyers uncovers the History of Douchebags.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Goodnights

…..Colin Firth

Colin Firth: Thanks to Norah Jones.. Ana Gasteyer! Thanks to all of you, I hope you enjoyed the show!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Jesus: Hollywood vs. History

Liam Neeson…..Colin Firth
Benny Hill…..Will Forte

Announcer: You’re watching “Jesus: Hollywood vs. History”, with Liam Neeson, on The History Channel.

[ dissolve to Liam Neeson ]

Liam Neeson: Good evening. I’m Liam Neeson. “The Last Temptation of Christ.” “The Passion of the Christ.” “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Films that tell the story of the carpenter from Nazareth, AKA: Jesus. To varying degrees of historical accuracy. Perhaps, the most controversial film about the life of Christ, is probably one you’ve never heard of. Because it was never released. Shot in 1974, “J.C. Godson & Co.” was directed by – and starred – one Benjamin Alfred Hill. Better known.. as Benny Hill.

[ dissolve to photo of Will Forte disguised as Benny Hill, posed as his Fred Scuttle character, with hand to head in playful mock salute ]

Primarily known for his naughty slapstick routine, Hill hoped the film would prove to critics that he could act. Here now, a never-before-seen clip from Hill’s epic, “J.C. Godson & Co.”

[ dissolve to clip ]

[ holy hymnal music as we see Jesus crucified on the cross atop rock, with a pair of woman flanked in robes bowing before him ]

[ close-up of Jesus’ face – Benny Hill in glasses giving the characteristic woe-is-me face as he hangs on the cross ]

[ cut back to wide shot, as the robes fall off the women, revealing bawdy bikini tops ]

[ cue “Yakkity Sax” and sound effects of girls laughing, as Jesus – still tied to cross – hops off the rock and begins to chase the bikini-clad girls ]

[ Jesus chases the girl across a field of grass and rocks ]

[ camera jump as the girls rise from behind the rocks, and Jesus continues the chase offscreen ]

[ Jesus runs back into frame, now being chased offscreen by the girls ]

[ return to frame as Jesus – separated from cross – chases after the girls, one of whom is tied to the cross instead ]

[ chase sequence is encircled and dissolved, as the music drowns out and we dissolve back to Liam Neeson ]

Liam Neeson: Needless to say, the film was a disaster. Paramount called it “Unwatchable” and “Not good.” Beny Hill was emotionally crushed, dying just 18 years later. As for Jesus, though he died on the cross, he will always live forever on.. in film. For The History Channel, I’m Liam Neeson.

Announcer: Coming up next on The History Channel, “The History of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Meet The Press

Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. John Edwards…..Will Forte

Announcer: For NBC News in Washington, this is “Meet The Press” with Tim Russert.

[ show images of John Edwards posing – tossing his hair back, blow-drying his hair, etc. ]

Tim Russert V/O: Our issue this week: Sen. John Edwards. Until his withdrawal three days ago, his centrist positions, positive campaign style, and youthful good looks made him a serious to John Kerry for the Demmocratic nomination. Now, he’s a solid bet for the Vice-Presidential slot. But was that his plan all along?

[ dissolve to Meet The Press studio ]

Tim Russert: And here in our studio now, the senior senator from North Carolina – John Edwards. Senator, welcome.

John Edwards: Thank you, Tim. It’s mah pleasure!

Tim Russert: Senator, yes or no – has Sen. Kerry asked you to be his running-mate?

John Edwards: [ chuckles ] Tim.. I think it’s awfully soon to be talking about that. Three days ago, Sen. Kerry and I were in a bitter contest for the nomination.

Tim Russert: And yet, Senator, to most observers, one of the msot striking things about your campaign against John Kerry.. was your apparent relunctancy to criticize him – even slightly. With the vice-presidency at stake.. were you afraid.. to offend Sen. Kerry?

John Edwards: [ chuckles ] Tim.. if anyone thinks ah was pulling my punches against John Kerry because ah wanted to be his running-mate, well.. [ chuckles ] ..they were watching a different campaign than ah was. Ah was plenty critical of John.

Tim Russert: Alright. Here’s the most negative ad you ran against Sen. Kerry, during the campaign. Let’s take a look.