Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Summer Nights
..written by: Amy Poehler

…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open on studio backstage area, a line of lockers belonging to cast members ]

[ Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch sit on a bench, as Seth Meyers and Chris Parnell close their lockers; Darrell Hammond leans placidly against a locker, smoking a cigarette ]

Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s the last sketch of the show.

Darrell Hammond: And the last show of the season.

Amy Poehler: [ enters ] I’m sad, you guys. I don’t want the season to be over. I hope we keep in touch.

Fred Armisen: [ enters ] Hey, you guys – there’s a huge party at Rachel’s house!

Rachel Dratch: [ hearing this for the first time ] There is?

Maya Rudolph: Everybody’s gonna be there!

Rachel Dratch: They are?

[school bell rings ]

Fred Armisen: That’s it! Summer’s here! It’s summertime!

[ Chris Parnell, Seth Meyers, Kenan Thompson and Finesse Mitchell snap their fingers and break into the harmony from “Summertime” by The Jamies ]

All: [ harmonizing ]
“Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summerti-i-ime!”

Maya Rudolph: “No more cameras, no more lights.”

Rachel Dratch: “No more sketches, left to write.”

Amy Poehler: “No more orgies, Thursday night.”

[ everyone stops in their tracks, looks at a now-coyish Amy ]

Rachel Dratch: What orgies?

Amy Poehler: What? Huh?

All: “It’s Summerti-i-i-ime!”

Horatio Sanz: [ enters ] Hey, guys – I’m going on vacation!

Rachel Dratch: Well, where are you going, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]

Horatio Sanz: To the greatest city on Earth!

Maya Rudolph: Where’s that, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]

Horatio Sanz: Right here! In New York City!

[ everyone – except Darrell, who leans against the lockers in the background, smoking a cigarette and tapping it against a coffee cap as he stares blankly – ducks offscreen ]

Horatio Sanz: [ singing “Summer In The City” by The Lovin’ Spoonful ]
“Hot town, summer in the city!
Back of my neck gettin’ dirt and gritty!”

Fred Armmisen: [ singing ]
“Cool cat, lookin’ for a kitty!
Gonna look in every corner of the city!”

Together: [ singing ]
“All around, people lookin’ half-dead
Walkin’ on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head!”

[ they stop singing, as horatio bends over hacking, coughing and wheezing from overexertion ]

Fred ArmisenYou alright, Horatio?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m cool. [ places inhaler in his mouth ]

Will Forte: [ enters ] You sure you okay, buddy?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m just —

Will Forte: You alright?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah..

Amy Poehler: Wow.. you alright, Horatio? [ to Will ] It looks like he’s out of breath.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, what he needs is a nice summer breeze.

[ Horatio and Fred step offscreen, as Will and Amy look into one another’s eyes and break into “Summer Breeze” by Seals & Croft ]

Will & Amy: [ singing ]
“Summer Breeze!
Makes me feel fine!
Blowin’ through the jasmine in my mi-ind!”

[ Maya re-enters, making the song’s electric guitar sound effects with her mouth ]

Fred Armisen: [ rushes back in, holding a strip of paper triumphantly ] Hey, guys! I just got Jimmy’s phone number!

[ everyone crowds around Fred to see; even Darrell Hammond suddenly changes position to remain in background of the camera angle ]

Finesse Mitchell: Let me see that.

Fred Armisen: It’s 5-5, 5-5-5!

Chris Parnell: Whoa!

Fred Armisen: We’re totally gonna hang out!

[ Tina Fey, dressed much like Sandy in “Grease”, enters scene clutching her Weekend Update notes, and sits on the bench. The girls excitedly crowd around her, leaving the boys alone off to the side ]

Girls: Hey! Hi, Tina! Hi!

Amy Poehler: So.. have you talked to Jimmy?

Tina Fey: [ glumly ] No. I haven’t seen him since Update.

Amy Poehler: Ohhh. Well, where have you been?

Tina Fey: In the cafeteria, eating my feelings.

[ cut to the guys, as Jimmy Fallon, clad in a leather jacket much like Danny Zuckow, enters acting all cool and makes his presence known ]

Jimmy Fallon: Heyyyy, guys!

[ the guys are as excited as a flock of teenage girls to see Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, what am I, like, at a dog convention?

[ the familiar chords of “Summer Lovin'” pot up, as the girls become excitedly to see Jimmy nearby, and the guys goad Jimmy into making his way toward Tina ]

Jimmy Fallon: “Summer lovin’, had me a bla-ast!”

Tina Fey: “Summer lovin’, happened so fa-ast!”

Jimmy Fallon: “I met a girl, crazy for me-ee!”

Tina Fey: “I met a boy, cute as can be-ee!”

[ cut to split-screen of Jimmy and Tina, even though they’re only inches apart ]

Together:
“Summer day, driftin’ away
To uh oh, those summer nights!”

All: “Well uh, well uh, well uh..”

Girls:
“Tell me more, tell me more!
Was it love at first sight!”

Guys:
“Tell me more, tell me more!
Did she put up a fight!“

Jimmy Fallon:
“It turned colder, that’s where it ends
So I told her, we’d still be friends.”

Tina Fey: “Then we made, our true love vow.”

[ full shot of locker room, as Jimmy walks over to Tina ]

Together: “Wonder what, he/she’s doing now.”

[ Jimmy reaches his hand to Tina’s face, nearly knocking the glasses off her face ]

Together:
“Summer dreams, ripped at the seams
Bu-ut..”

[ Jimmy moves his hand down Tina’s jacket, grazing her breast to her great surprise ]

Together: “Those Sat-ur-day ni-i-i-ights!”

All:
“Tell me more..
Tell me more..
Tell me mo-o-o-ore!”

[ zoom out to wide shot of the cast, and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

The Swan

Amanda Byram…..Maya Rudolph
Vicki…..Mary-Kate Olsen
Dr. Lance Haggart…..Chris Parnell
Amber…..Amy Poehler
Reporter…..Rachel Dratch
Jasmine Ranseed…..Tina Fay
Dr. Simone…..Seth Meyers
Vicki’s Reflection…Ashley Olsen

[open on title and logo: “The Swan”]

Voice Over: In the most unique competition ever, two ordinary women compete for the ultimate prize. [dissolve to “before” pictures of Vicki and Amber] Who will go to the pageant? Who will go home? [dissolve to “The Swan” logo] Tonight on The Swan!

[dissolve to mansion with Amanda Byram entering through double doors, opened by men in tuxedos]

Amanda: Good evening. I’m Amanda Byram. I have an English accent. Tonight, we meet two women who are ready to change their lives. They have handed themsevles over to a team of plastic surgeons and gone through a brutal three month makeover, all for the chance to become beauty queens. Let’s see their before videos.

[dissolve to Vicki, who has very heavy eyebrows, a large nose, and other notably unattractive features, in a nondescript domestic setting]

[title: “Vicki, 29 years old”]

Vicki: I was never a classic beauty. People always told me I was beautiful on the inside. But then I had some X-rays done, and my insides are butt ugly, too.

[dissolve to Dr. Lance Haggart in an office setting]

[title: “Dr. Lance Haggart, Plastic Surgeon”]

Dr. Haggart: Vicki is what we doctors call, “fugly.” But I’m optimistic, and I have a plan. Basically, we’re gonna take some skin from her butt, and do some stuff.

[dissolve to blue screen where images of Vicki and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Vicki’s Swan plan included an eyebrow shift, cheek flush, lip segmentation, tongue shave, finger wax, ear tuck, bobby pin removal, and seven inch femur implants. She was put on a diet of broth and diet coke, and underwent weekly training sessions where she was chased by a pack of dogs. Good luck, Vicki. Now, on to our next competitor.

[dissolve to Amber, who has one leg, standing in front of a wall]

[title: “Amber, 29 years old”]

Amber: Yo, check me out. My name is Amber, and here’s how I do. I got nonstop hotness, hardcore learning disabilities, constant horniness, and I’m rockin’ one leg. Whoo! Yeah! I don’t know what they can do to me, ’cause this bird is already Swanned out! All I want is some medicine for my ringworm, and a cool-ass face tattoo. What-what?! [raises the roof]

[dissolve to blue screen where images of Amber and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Amber’s recommended Swan plan was leg augmentation, complete nasal rejuvenation, neck fat displacement, gum dying, removal of third nipple, nail fungus treatment, attitude adjustment, general cleaning, and a full head transplant.

[dissolve to Dr. Haggart]

Dr. Haggart: Amber was a very difficult patient to treat. She refused to do any cosmetic or dental surgery. Attempts were made to put her on a stricter diet, but we were limited because she suffers from Lyme Disease, hypoglycemia, and a flatulence problem that I suspect she can control.

[dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Will Vicki and Amber be pleased with their new selves? Which one will continue on to the pageant? Am I made of wax? We’ll find out, right after this.

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”]

[dissolve to reporter in news room]

Reporter: Nine area schoolchildren are molested to death while their teachers buy drugs from your dentist! HAAAAARGH! Toxic mold!

[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”]

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

[dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Before we let Amber and Vicki see themselves for the first time in three months, Dr. Haggart, any final thoughts?

Dr. Haggart: I think you’ll find Vicki and Amber are more confident now. They’re independent women, standing on their own two feet, except for Amber, who refused any kind of prosthetic because she didn’t want to, quote, “slow down access to her lady parts.”

Amanda: Our fashion stylist, Jasmine Ranseed.

Jasmine Ranseed: I think they look beautiful.

Amanda: And our resident therapist, Dr. Simone. Any thoughts?

Dr. Simone: This is a…t-t-terrible, why am I here? This is a terrible, reprehensible show!

Amanda: Indeed. It has been three long months since these women have seen themselves in a mir-ror. Now it is the moment of truth. Please welcome the new Vicki.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Vicki, who is now beautiful and is wearing a glamorous red dress with evening gloves]

[Vicki walks to the full-length mirror

Vicki: [gasps] Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! [touches her nose] Look at my nose! [grasps her breasts, turns to the side, lunges to the side, jumps up and down, falls forward sobbing, raises up and falls forward sobbing again, while all of this is mimicked by her reflection]

[Vicki’s reflection produces a tissue from the bosom of her dress and gives it to Vicki]

Vicki: Thank you. [returns the tissue to her reflection, who tucks it away]

Amanda: And now, Amber. Amber, come on out.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Amber, who looks exactly like she did before except that she has a black spiderweb tattoo on her face]

Amber: Damn, I’m looking good. Who needs a swan? I’m a flamingo! [hops over to the mirror] Oooooh! This tattoo makes me horny! [she tongues the corner of her mouth]

Amanda: Amber, Vicki, you know only one of you can go on to the final Swan pageant.

Amber: You goin’ down, mon chi chi!

Amanda: Here, give me a hug. [she woodenly places her arms over Amber’s chest and Vicki’s face] Are you nervous?

Vicki: No, I know that whatever happens, I still get to keep these boobs.

Amanda: The judges have voted.

Amber: Good. I hope they did vote!

Amanda: And the winner is.

Amber: Good. I hope there is a winner!

Amanda: Please shut up.

Amber: Yeah, I will shut up.

Amanda: The winner is…Vicki.

Vicki: Oh, my God! I’m still so unhappy inside.

Amber: Who cares? I didn’t want to win, anyway. [hops and farts] Yeah, I farted. Jealous? [hops and farts]

Dr. Haggart: [to other specialists] I told you she could control it.

[Amanda and Vicki wave air away from their noses]

Amber: I’m audi, nerds! I’m going to go on Howard Stern and have a midget throw balogna at my ass! Suck it! [hops away, farting]

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Costas Popakanstantis…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Pentagon officials said Friday the US military will no longer usecertain prisoner interrogation techniques in Iraq following the Abugrab prison scandal. Among the banned tactics are sleep depravation, keeping prisoners in stressful positions, and of course … free-styling.

In an interview, army private Lyndie England says that her superiors gave her specific instructions on how to pose in the pictures with the Iraqi prisoners. But who added the drugged-out, inbred Peppermint Patty look, that was all Lyndie, baby.

Jimmy Fallon: Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq Thursday and said “if anybody thinks that I’m here to throw water on a fire, there wrong.” So more bad news for the Iraqi prisoners on fire.

Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university. The governor said “it’s my dream that every child has enough money to attend college for 8 days.”

Tina Fey: As California’s wildfire season got underway, a 4.5 earthquake hit Santa Barbara, California on Sunday. Said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger “These earthquakes are fantastic! I promised you more action and excitement. We’re got wildfires. Soon we’re going to have a super-mega tornado, giant sinkholes, locusts are going to be there – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”

Jimmy Fallon: Locusts are going to be there. According to a new study on the best and worst cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas. And the worst city for dating for the 7th year in a row, Date-rape-ville, Maine.

Tina Fey: More bad news out of Iraq as new pictures from Abugrad prison has surfaced. Take a look at these. [pisture of Star War soldiers holding up producers] What is going on over there??

Barbara Streisand will auction off more than 400 of her gowns and other items on June 5th. The auction will take place on E-gay.

Here with a review of the movie “Troy” is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much. Thank you Tina. I went to see “Troy” tonight, and it was awesome. Finally, an epic adventure for guys. It’s a real guy movie. It’s got action, great story, and then you see Brad Pitt and you go “oh..my..god.” I could not take my eyes off of him. [gay voice] It’s as if Michangelo’s David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked off his pedestal, and sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Brad Pitt. Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together? I promise I won’t eat all your popcorn.”

Tina Fey: Jimmy, TV voice.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry. This is a movie every guy would love. The battle scenes are fantastic, there’s hitting and punching [gay voice again] and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men, one behind the other, crotchless skirts and like —

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you got to pull it together – Were there any women in the movie?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure, there’s gotta be, but the men [gay voice] were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords. Swords hitting each other with the –

[Tina slaps Jimmy on the face]

Jimmy Fallon: Bitch!

Tina Fey: Wrap it up, alright. Wrap it up.

Jimmy Fallon: [normal voice] Okay. Go see “Troy,” it will turn every man into a huge Homer –

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: – fan. Homer fan.

Tina Fey: Thank you, it was a very good review.

After viewing more photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse at the Pentagon Tuesday, President Bush again defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying “You are doing a superb job. Our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.” And this time even Rumsfeld was like “You’re screwing with me, right?”

The publisher of Bill Clinton’s upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long – and rock hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money. Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.

Tina Fey: It was reported that the CIA has used a secret set of rules for the interrogation of high-level Al Queda detainees —

Jimmy Fallon: Secret rule number one, there is no fight club.

[Jimmy punches Tina on the face]

Tina Fey: Aw, Jimmy, that might be that last time you hit me.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, it’s kind of sad. How about one more for old times sake.

Tina Fey: I’d like that.

[Jimmy prepares to punch Tina, but Tina throws a fast punch at Jimmy in the face]

Tina Fey: Ha! Idiot!

Madonna has gone to court to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England. She should try playing Madonna music, that would keeps people away.

Jimmy Fallon: With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympics facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic supervising contractor, Costas Popakanstantis.

Costas Popakanstantis: Hello Jimmy. Tina. [speaks Greek] Its so good to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Well it sounds like there’s still a lot of work to do. From what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium.

Costas Popakanstantis: What? Relax Jimmy. Endaxi, endaxi. Okay! The games don’t start for like six months.

Jimmy Fallon: Three months actually.

Costas Popakanstantis: Three months? [surprised] Jimmy! [acts worried] All right, here.

Jimmy Fallon: What is this?

[holds up model of Olympic Stadium]

Costas Popakanstantis: I brought this model of Olympic Stadium, to show everybody that it’s ok. Its cool like menthol cigarettes, my man.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks great. That looks great, there. So its almost finished?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well you know, I thought I’d re-glue this section right here. Maybe put some little dudes in here, “Hey im running around!” You know …

Jimmy Fallon: I’m not talking about this model, I’m talking about the actual thing in Greece. The stadium?

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, there’s nothing like this in Greece, friend. I’m telling you right now. If there was, my job would be a lot easier.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, well I like this tower here. That’s nice.

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, that’s — that’s my coffee cup. It’s not part of the deal. Sorry about that.

Jimmy Fallon: You put it on your model?

Costas Popakanstantis: Where am I gonna put it? On my head? I’m gonna go talk about this. You know.

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t set your head on fire, Costas. Umm.. So how much IS done?

Costas Popakanstantis: Uh, I’ll show you. Umm. Pretty much …well this isn’t done. [starts tearing off parts of the model] These two roof pieces aren’t done. This is … no this isn’t done either. There’s too many bushes here. This part’s gone. Here. [he leaves a pole from the side of the model] We got this up.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Costas Popakanstantis: Yeah … wow. Pretty nice, right? You can fly through there, you can run up here. One, two, three, who’s there? Hiding over there in the bush!

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Silver medal!

[both laughing hysterically]

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Come on, take it easy. Get your panties out of your butt crack!

Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me?!

Costas Popakanstantis: We got plans. We got all these plans, okay. We got backup plans.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack! Yeah. I’ll put it in your coffee. Anyways…

Costas Popakanstantis: You know what, between you and me, I don’t like your ‘tude bro-bro.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t say anything!

Costas Popakanstantis: Okay look. Maybe they could change some of the events, you know. To correspond with our situation. You know, get rid of some of the old events. Add some new ones.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, so you want some new events?

Costas Popakanstantis: Yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Like what?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.

Jimmy Fallon: They’re, uh – They’re not going to do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: Jimmy, listen to me, okay bro. I don’t want to go back there, my bro. It’s rough over there, okay. I can stay here right?

Jimmy Fallon: Where?

Costas Popakanstantis: Here … in the studio.

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Costas Popakanstantis: I can sleep underneath here.

Jimmy Fallon: No. You can’t do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: I’m a funny guy, I’m Greek! I know how they do it here. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.0

Jimmy Fallon: No, They don’t do that anymore.

Costas Popakanstantis: You like-a the juice?

Jimmy Fallon: The juice is good, Costas Popakanstantis, everybody.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Come Here. [motions camera to close up on him] I’m Jimmy Fallon. Might as well say thanks. This is my last show. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[The pencil that Jimmy throws at the end of every Update, he places it in his coat pocket]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: 2003-2004


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Starring:

Rachel Dratch

Jimmy Fallon

Tina Fey

Will Forte

Darrell Hammond

Seth Meyers

Chris Parnell

Amy Poehler

Jeff Richards

Maya Rudolph

Featuring:

Fred Armisen

Finesse Mitchell

Episodes

10/04/03: Jack Black / John Mayer

10/11/03: Justin Timberlake

10/18/03: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

11/01/03: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

11/08/03: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

11/15/03: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

12/06/03: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

12/13/03: Elijah Wood / Jet

01/10/04: Jennifer Aniston / Black-Eyed Peas

01/17/04: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

02/07/04: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

02/14/04: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

02/21/04: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

03/06/04: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

03/13/04: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

04/03/04: Donald Trump / Toots & The Maytals

04/10/04: Janet Jackson

05/01/04: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

05/08/04: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Summary   “Saturday Night Live” began its 29th season on October 4th, 2003. Cast members Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan left the long-running series and their long-running tenures, leaving long-running performer Darrell Hammond to begin his 9th season with “Saturday Night Live”. Though both Kattan and Morgan left the show, they would make enough cameo appearances thoughout the season to qualify as honorary featured performers. Other changes include a new opening sequence, a brand new host and musical guest stages modeled after Grand Central Station, and an impression of President George W. Bush that changes hands twice during the season. The season tailored itself for the M-TV crowd, infiltrating a host line-up that included stars of the day like Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and Christina Aguilera. The season was also marred by continued (and one might wonder forced) on-air crack-ups between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz, Weekend Update’s focus on entertainment news and personal opinion taking preference over current events humor, and the mysterious disappearance of Jeff Richards mid-season. The best sketches of the season belonged to Will Forte, though they sometimes had a tendancy to become buried in mediocre episodes (Halle Berry, anyone?). Elsewhere, Jimmy Fallon’s decision to leave SNL hit some fans harder than the news of Will Ferrell’s departure, while leaving other fans wondering if Tina Fey would seek a replacement for Fallon on Weekend Update, anchor the segment alone, or resign the desk to new talent altogether. All in all, SNL was again falling on weak knees by the time it reached the end of the season prepared for its upcoming 30th anniversary.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Jarret’s Room

Jarret….Jimmy Fallon
Gobi….Horatio Sanz
Deejay Johnathan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Gobi’s sister….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with some computer bleeps on a computer screen. Jarret’s Room show is being set up. Dreadlocked, hippie college student, Jarret, is fixing a camera on himself. He sits at the edge of his bed in his dorm room.]

Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Its Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air. Young lovers thoughts turn to romance and tomorrow morning thousands of college students everywhere will wake up next to a person who’s name they can’t remember, covered in their own puke. Its beautiful. Anyway, we have an awesome show for you tonight. So give it up for my house band Deejay Johnathan Feinstein!

[Camera turns to Deejay Johnathan Feinstein. He’s in a green suit, dark sunglasses and with two black chicks in green shaking it up singing Outkast’s hit “Hey, Ya'”]

Deejay Jonathan Feinstein: 1! 2! 3! 4! My baby don’t ask around because I love her so….and then I’ll know for sure….

[Jarret turns his music off]

Jarret: You’re an idiot.

: Schtanke you. Schtanke you very much.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
E.T…..Will Forte
C3PO…..Seth Meyers
Zelda Rubinstein…..Rachel Dratch
Darth Vader…..Darrell Hammond

Drew Barrymore: Thank you, everybody, it’s great to be back! [ audience can’t stop applauding ] Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, you guys! Hey, it’s great to be back here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, the first time I hosted the show I was seven years old – it was way back in the early 80’s, right after I did “E.T.”. Now, that seems like a lifetime ago, and I’ve made a bunch of movies since then —

[ E.T. enters stage ]

E.T.: Drew-ewww. Drew-ewww!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! E.T.!

E.T.: It’s been so long!

Drew Barrymore: I know! What are you doing here? I thought you went.. home.

E.T.: Well, I came back to do a spot on “I Love the 80’s”, on VH1.

Drew Barrymore: Right, right.. well.. gosh. We should, uh, sit around and.. catch up and talk.. and.. you know – later, I’ll get you some Reese’s Pieces.

E.T.: Noooo. I’m on Atkins.

Drew Barrymore: Right. Isn’t everybody now..?

[ 3CPO enters stage ]

C3PO: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: C3PO?

C3PO: I haven’t you since we were together in “Star Wars”!

Drew Barrymore: I wasn’t.. I wasn’t even in “Star Wars”..

C3PO: Wasn’t in “Star Wars”? But of course you were!

Drew Barrymore: No. I mean.. I was pretty messed up at certain points back then, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I was in “Star Wars”!

[ Zelda Rubenstein, the midget lady from “Poltergeist” enters stage ]

Zelda Rubinstein: Do not go in-to the light!

Drew Barrymore: Okay —

Zelda Rubinstein: Run a-way from the liiiight.

Drew Barrymore: Okay, who are you?

Zelda Rubinstein: It’s me, you co-star from “Pol-ter-geist” – Mid-get La-dyyyy!

Drew Barrymore: Wait a minute.. I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”.

Zelda Rubinstein: Are you su-urrrrre? I re-mem-ber a lit-tle gir-liiiiie..

Drew Barrymore: Yes. No. I’m.. positive, I’m sure. No.

Zelda Rubinstein: You can’t tell me you did-n’t au-dit-ion for it..

Drew Barrymore: Actually, I did, funny enough. But.. no. That was a long time ago —

[ Darth Vader enters stage ]

Darth Vader: Young Barrymore. I am your father.

Drew Barrymore: Wait. You guys! I wasn’t in “Star Wars”, I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”, and you’re definitely not my father!

Darth Vader: Well.. guess I’ll just.. throw this damn thing away. [ holds out a paper Valentine ]

[ the cache of non-co-stars awwws ]

Drew Barrymore: Wait, no, no. That’s really sweet, actually. Why don’t you read it to me?

Darth Vader: [ relunctantly ] Oh, alright. [ reads ]
“I held you, when you skinned your knee.
My heart soared on your graduation day.
And, although I’m known by many other names:
Lord of the Sith.. Vader.. Anakin the Skywalker..
Whatever.
The one I’m most proud of..
Is “Dad”.”
And, then, I wrote something about.. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Daddy.”

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. Thank you. Happy Valentine’s Day. I think that was so sweet. I wish all of you were my Valentine.

E.T.: Not me. E.T. holding out for Kelis. I like milkshakes!

Drew Barrymore: Excellent. Well, I’ll see what I can do to help you there. And, we’ve got a great show – Kelis is here. So, stick around and we.. we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Prince Show

Prince…..Fred Armisen
Beyonce…..Maya Rudolph
Pink…..Drew Barrymore
George Clinton….Kenan Thompson

[Open to a stage with a purple-lighted background and fog, “Prince Show” title showing. Prince steps out in a purple suit, guitar slung behind him, arms raised. He walks towards the microphone, slowly lowering his arms.]

Prince: [echo] Dearly Beloved… We are gathered here to get through this thing called… [raises and lowers his arms again] my talk show. So dig, if you will, my co-host… Miss Beyonce Knowles!

[Grabs his guitar and begins playing the opening theme]

[Beyonce struts out in a pink dress]

Beyonce: Whoo!

[Sways seductively back and forth]

Beyonce: [sings] Prince Shoooow!

Prince: [sings] Everybody wants to be free…

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince Shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] In the back of my limosine!

Beyonce: [steps to the other side of Prince, singing] It’s Prince’s own shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] Come and take a ride with me…

Both: [singing] Join me under the waterfall and climb the rainbow tree!

Prince: Yeah!

Beyonce: It’s the Prince Show, ya’ll!

[Prince whispers in Beyonce’s ear]

Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to relax and enjoy his show.

[Prince whispers in her ear again, afterwards slyly smoothing his hair]

Beyonce: He’s really excited about it, but not sure how long he wants to stay.

[“Prince Show” title shows with a dove flying]

Female Announcer: It’s the Prince Talk Show, with co-host, Beyonce Knowles.

[Both sit on the same seat, with lighted candles all around them]

Prince: Thank you. My first guest is a magical diva. Please welcome… Pink.

[Pink runs out wearing a punk, black outfit, ecstatic]

Pink: Heeey, ya’ll! Let’s get this party started! Rock and roll! This is like a dream!

[She sits on a lush, white sofa]

[Prince quickly whispers to Beyonce]

Beyonce: Pink, I have a message for you from Prince. Please don’t make any direct eye contact with him.

Pink: Yo, I’m sorry, that’s just the street in me!

Prince: So Pink, I wonder… What makes you mad?

Pink: Posers, fakes, jerks and turds. Oh yeah… and those people who illegally download music from the internet? You SUUUUUCK!

[Prince looks up at Beyonce with a “hush” finger over his mouth, shaking his head]

Beyonce: Uh… Prince wants you to calm down a little.

Pink: Yo, OK, I mean, I’m just unpredictable. I mean, I can do this…

[Sticks her tongue out to the camera with a one-handed Devil’s Horns sign]

Pink: …and I can do this…

[Stands up and does a pose, sticking her tongue out, grabbing her crotch and flashing a Devil’s Horns sign]

Pink: …you know, and if you push me real hard, I might do THIS in your face!

[Kicks at the camera]

Pink: You know, I like to make… bold statements.

[Sits down again]

Prince: Yo, Pink… Do you live a life… deluxe? [Smirks at the camera]

Pink: Yo, my life is hard-CORE deluxe! I mean, I got a lot going on, you know, with producing, and hanging out with my girlfriends, and working on my stomach muscles…

[Pink looks up and Prince suddenly disappears]

Pink: Hello! Did he just get up and walk out of here while I was talkin’?

[Beyonce raises a hand]

Beyonce: Prince needs to light some candles now.

[Camera pans to Prince holding a lighter to a candle, smirking]

Pink: …well, what’s up? I’m I through? Should I stay?

Beyonce: Prince wants you to get into the bubble bath.

Pink: Yo… that’s freaky. But I’m all about getting freaky, I mean, that’s just Pink.

Beyonce: Yeah, Prince really wants you to take a bath now and be quiet.

Pink: A’ight!

[Pink gets up and goes to the back to get into the bath tub, water splashing]

[Prince returns to his seat]

Prince: My next guest is the Grandfather of Funk. Please welcome… Mr. George Clinton.

[Funky music plays and George Clinton comes out and sits, moving his dreads out from his face]

Prince: George, I wonder… What colors do you see when you turn out the lights?

George Clinton: Oh, I don’t see colors. I see planets. [starts to sing, funky music playing] Interplanetary groove, a-get on up, a-get on up. Inter-gotta-get-on-the-planetary groove, a-get on up. [falsetto] Get on UP! [music ends]

Prince: George, you are legendary. I’ve always wanted to ask you, I wonder… Would you ever wear… a cape? [slyly smooths his hair]

George Clinton: Why, I would wear a nation of capes! One on top of the other. And then I would peel each one of them back to reveal another, until I was left wearin’ nothin’ but a intergalactic, plasmatic, electromagnetic, lunar moon suit.

[Prince chuckles, amused]

Prince: I dig that. [voice suddenly goes low] Now, dig this.

[Puts a yellow stick mask over his face]

Beyonce: Uh-oh, George. Prince has put on his Wonder Mask!

[George stares, eyes wide, stunned]

Beyonce: Prince, what do you see?

[Organ starts to play]

Prince: [echo] I see Reggie, and I see Wanda! I see Simone and I see Electra. [sings, falsetto] I see Andre hiding in the snow! I see Marcus making love… I see Alexa tickling Camille with a rose. [voice low] I see Francine having sex with herself…

George Clinton: Man, well, let me take a look through that Wonder Mask!

Pink: Yo, how long I gotta stay in this bath tub? I’m straight up prunin’!

[Prince puts the mask down]

Prince: Until Pink becomes purple. I’m finished with this!

[Prince whispers in Beyonce’s ear]

Beyonce: OK.

[Beyonce gets up and vocalizes in different ranges, holding one arm out straight and a dove landing in her palm. Prince spins around doing weird arm movements.]

Beyonce: Whoo!

[Dove disappears]

[Theme music starts. Prince, Beyonce, and George dance with Prince doing swift arm movements. Pink is in the background doing rock poses.]

Beyonce: [sings] Prince Shooooow!

Prince: [sings] Everybody wants to be free…

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince Shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] In the back of my limosine!

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince’s Prince Shooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] Come and take a ride with me…

Both: [singing] Join me under the waterfall… climb the rainbow tree!

Prince: YEAH!

[“Prince Show” title shows. Everyone continues dancing.]

[Scene fades]

Submitted by: Tiara Cameron

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

The White Stripes

Police Officer…Kenan Thompson
Commissioner…Chris Parnell
Jack White…Jimmy Fallon
Meg White…Drew Barrymore

[Opens up to the Police Commissioner’s office]

Police Officer: Commissioner! The First National Bank is being robbed. You gotta do something! Fast!

Commissioner: Great Caesar’s ghost! The First National! Well, there’s only two people we can call.

Police Officer: You don’t mean…

Commissioner: I do!

[Reaches for telephone]

Commissioner: Get me The White Stripes!

[changes scene to The White Stripes’ home]

[phone rings]

[Meg picks up the phone]

Meg White: [mutters some words] Hello? Commissioner.

Jack White: What is it Meg?

Meg White: [mutters some words]

Jack White: A robbery? The First National Bank? Let’s go!

[Music: The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army (normal tempo)]

Jack White: [sings and plays guitar]
“We’re gonna fight some crime,
we’re gonna go down by the robbery,
They’re gonna do some time,
cause me and Meg are the calvary.

When the commissioner and policemen call,
we gotta save the day.

As soon as we finish this song,
we’ll do it right away.

Cause whenever you’re in trouble,
you know you gotta call The White Stripes.”

[Jack plays guitar solo]

[phone rings]

Jack White: Wait Meg, wait Meg. Hold on, hold on.

[picks up telephone]

Jack White: Hello?

Commissioner: The White Stripes?

Jack White: Yeah.

Commissioner: Yeah, don’t bother coming by the bank. You’re too late, the bank’s been robbed, the crooks got away.

Jack White: Oh.

Commissioner: You know, you don’t always have to sing your theme song before you go fight crime. It really ends up taking a long time.

Jack White: Sorry about that.

Meg White: [mutters in low voice to Jack] Is there anyway we can make it up?

Jack White: Great idea Meg! Hey, is there any way we can make it up to you?

Commissioner: Well, the City Museum of Art is being robbed right now, can you be there in five minutes?

Jack White: Sure we can!

[hangs up phone]

Jack White: Let’s go Meg! One, Two, Three

[Music: The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army (faster tempo)]

[fades out of scene]

[Newspaper title: WHITE STRIPES ROCK HARDER THAN EVER. ART MUSEUM ROBBED IN GREATEST ART THEFT IN HISTORY.]

Submitted by: CaberrorXE

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
Roberta…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Tina Fey: On Friday, the White House released 400 pages of President Bush’s military records. Yet, it is still not yet clear whether Bush was AWOL for almost a year from the Texas National Guard. Nor does it explain, the President’s eight-month tour of duty on the Kiss Army.
[ photo of Bush in Kiss make-up ]

Cartoon character Cathy finally got engaged to her boyfriend, in today’s Valentine edition of her strip. Meanwhile, Marcie and Peppermint Patty are moving to Massachusetts.

Jimmy Fallon: An internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, “Close, but no cigar.”

A researcher in Seattle has produced a mathematical formula to predict the outcome of any marriage. And, here it is: X + Jennifer Lopez = 0.

Tina Fey: A U.S. born panda, named Hua Mei, will soon be returned to her ancestral homeland of China, where she is expected to be delicious.

Jimmy Fallon: The head of the Philly Phanatic, the mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies, has gone missing. Police want to question this man.
[ photo of thief wearing the Phanatic head ]

Tina Fey: Because of friction between the U.S. and Brazil, it was announced that a float at this year’s Carnivale will be a 12-foot sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down, and his genitals in plain sight – or, as Bill Clinton calls it: “business casual.”

According to a report by the New York City Council, not enough pharmacies are stocking the Morning After birth-control pill, despite a law requiring them to carry it. And, at the pharmacies that do carry it, I’d appreciate a little less attitude.

Jimmy Fallon: A suprising new survey shows that women over 40 spend the greatest amount of time playing online games.

Tina Fey: [ smoking a cigarette ] Yeah, well, I’ll tell ya.. it’s beats drinking alone.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael McGuire —

Tina Fey: It really does.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, I know – I heard you the first time. Yeah, yeah – good for you. Good luck!

Michael McGuire, a prisoner in Nebraska, escaped from a hospital by using a fake gun he had made out of toilet paper. The plan turned tragic, however, when he used a real gun to wipe himself.

Tina Fey: This week, soul diva Diana Ross was sentenced to two days in jail for her drunk driving arrest in Tucson last year. Here now, via satellite from a women’s prison in Los Angeles, is Diana Ross.

[ cut to Diana Ross behind bars in prison ]

Diana Ross: Oooooooh! Hello, Tina! Ow!

Tina Fey: Hi, Diana. How’s it going?

Diana Ross: Not good, Tina! I’m in jail! and, let me tell you something – in jail, they do not call me “Miss Ross.” They call me “Inmate #54899-B.” Ow!

Tina Fey: Wow. So, how are they treating you in there?

Diana Ross: Jail is not a spa, Tina. I realized that, once I got here and looked around for the sauna and the bowl of fresh, green apples. All I found was a tiny rom with a stinky little terlet with no lid, and a very grumpy bunkmate named Roberta.

[ Roberta the bunkmate paces the cell behind Diana, making her nervous and scared ]

Tina Fey: Well, since we’ve got you here on live TV, is there anything you want to say to your fans?

Diana Ross: Yessssss! Tina-na-naaa! What I would like to say is: Remember that scene in “Mahogony”, those fantastic photos of me looking glamorous in Rome! Jail is not like that, Tina. Although, really, there is someone that’s a dead-ringer for Billy Dee Williams – except her name is Roberta! [ Roberta paces behind Diana ] I mean, she got a moustache and everything!

Tina Fey: How long have you been in there so far, Miss Ross?

Diana Ross: About twenty minutes! I’m not gonna make it, Tina!

Tina Fey: It’s okay, it’s okay, Diana. You’ll be okay.

Diana Ross: No, it’s not! They took away my Emory board and my hot comb! I’m freakin’ out, Tina!

Tina Fey: Ohhhh, I am so sorry —

Diana Ross: Hey, Tinaaaaaaaa!! Remember in the 1960’s, when I was in the fabulous girl-group The Supremes?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Diana Ross: And I had twelve #1 songs and eighten Top 10 hits?

Tina Fey: Yes. Of course. We all remember that, yeah.

Diana Ross: Jail is not like that either, Tina! It’s quite the opposite! One minute, you’re returning your copy of “V.I. Warshawski” to a Blockbuster in Tucson; and, the next thing you know, you’re in the hoosegow! I’m in the pokie, Tina! I’m in the joint! The slammer! The clink! The can! [ Roberta moves close on Diana ] Uh-oh, I gotta go.. Roberta needs to go to sleep, and she says if I make any noise she’s gonna shank me! Tina-na-naaa!

Tina Fey: Diana Ross! Diana Ross, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

A Very Special Valentine’s Versace

Donatella Versace….Maya Rudolph
Elton John….Horatio Sanz
Courtney Love….Drew Barrymore
Madonna….Amy Poehler

Caption: A Very Special Valentine’s Versace.

[Opens with a mansion’s living room where the always worn and tired Donatella Versace is singing “The Love Boat” theme song into a microphone and smoking. Four beefed-up man servants shirtless and in tight shorts dance and vogue around her.]

Donatella Versace: [sings in a hoarse voice] Love exciting and new, come aboard we’re expecting you….the love boat.[stops singing, man servants stand aside] Hello peoples. I’m Donatella Versace and this is my Valentine’s Day Special. Tickling the ivories among other things, and by that I mean dude’s testicles, is Sir Elton John.

[Elton sits at his piano, white angel wings on the back of his white tuxedo.]

Elton John: Donatella, you mysterious creature. You sing as good as you look.

Donatella Versace: And you look like the Pillsbury Doughboy in a bad rug. I love you Elton. Now shut up and sing with me, you fruit cocktail.

Elton John: [plays piano, sings] Don’t go breaking my heart….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice] I couldn’t if I tried….

Elton John: [sings] Oh, honey if I get restless….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice]Baby, you’re not the kind….

Elton and Donatella: [sing]Whoo-hoo! Nobody knows it…[Donatella throws a champagne glass against the wall, it shatters and the music stops]

Donatella Versace: Thanks for that treat, Elton. That was great. Ok, my first guest used to be interesting but now she’s kind of a boring jerk. Please welcome, Madonna.

[Madonna enters with a very conservative suit on and a book on her hands]

Madonna: [fake British accent] Hello Donatella. Happy Valentine’s Day. I brought you something.

Donatella Versace: [excited]Oh, Madonna! Its a present for me? Give it to me, give it to me, faster, hand it over![takes the book] What the hell is this?

Madonna: Its my new children’s book. Its the story of one little girl’s discovery of the Kabbalah.

Donatella Versace: Kabbalah? That sounds Ka-boring. Madonna, let’s smoke and have some champagne.

Madonna: No, thank you, Donatella. I don’t pollute my body with those things. I like to be present and in control.

Donatella Versace: Oh, were you in control when you let Dennis Rodman bone you sideways? Now, do me a favor and GET OUT!!!![Madonna leaves] Oh, Madonna. I love her so much. Hey, Elton make up a Valentine’s Day song while I sink 50 cigarettes to calm myself down.[Donatella lights up a fat stack of ciggies]

Elton John: How about this Donatella? [sings]Oh Valentine you’ll never know…anything about my home….

Donatella Versace: Somebody please wake me from this nightmare.[Sound of car crashing]Uh-oh, I’d recognize that car crash anywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Courtney Love.

Courtney Love: [from outside the room] Donatella! Let me in YOU BITCH![a drugged out Courtney flies through the glass door into the floor, gets up]I accidentally drove over 4 of your birdbaths on my way in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, thanks a million Courtney. I hate birds. Hey, look. I made you a dress.[gives Courtney a hanger with little strips of cloth on it]

Courtney Love: Oh, I love it.[throws hanger away, points to Elton]Hey, I know you! I slept with you!

[Elton laughs at the silly notion]

Elton John: Ha,ha,ha. No.

Donatella Versace: That’s Elton John, you dummy.

Courtney Love: Oh, sorry. I thought it was Rosie O’Donnell. This party sucks! I’m gonna trash the place.

Donatella Versace: Knock yourself out. This place is a rental anyway. Just whatever you do don’t trash that curio cabinet over there filled with my precious moments figurines.

[Courtney goes over to the curio cabinet]

Courtney Love: Oh, yeah? Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Not those. I’ve collected those for 16 years. They’re precious to me. Do not touch.

Courtney Love: So you saying you don’t want me to trash these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Correct. Do not trash those. You can trash anything else in the house your heart desires. Just not those.

Courtney Love: Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Nope. Not those.

Courtney Love: Ok. Cause I wanted to be sure.

Donatella Versace: Okey-dokey, smokey.

Courtney Love: Can I start trashing the place now?

Donatella Versace: Yeah, go for it.

[Courtney takes the figurines and starts throwing them, smashing them to pieces]

Courtney Love: Take that! YEAH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Face to face]

Donatella Versace: YOU BITCH!

Courtney Love: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Donatella Versace: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Courtney Love: YOU ARE THE BITCHIEST BITCH OF THE EAST!

Donatella Versace: YOU ARE THE BITCH MASTER!

Courtney Love: If you owned an airline it would be called JET BITCH!

Donatella Versace: If you had cat food it would be called FANCY BITCH! Or perhaps Tender Bitches?

Courtney Love: If you owned a chain of cheap Mexican restaurants it would be TACO BITCH!

Donatella Versace: What do you cook your Japanese steaks on? A Hi-Bitchy!

[Elton comes between them]

Elton John: Girls, girls, girls. You’re both terrible dried-up bitches. It seems to me you’re forgetting the true meaning of Valentine’s day. Getting loaded and having bathroom sex with whoever walks in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, you magical, magical wiener smoker. You’re right. Hey, who wants to spin the bottle?

Courtney Love: I do.

[Courtney grabs a champagne bottle, swings it, Elton ducks and it smashes on Donatella’s head. It barely moves her]

Donatella Versace: That was fantastic.

Caption: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts