Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 4th, 2003

Jack Black

John Mayer

None

Kyle Gass

Will Ferrell

Californians For Schwarzenegger
Summary: Hoping to be elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) outlines his five-point plan.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Transcript


Montage
Note: The new opening montage, which takes the viewer on a journey through New York City to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, was directed by Dave Meyers, who would later win an MVPA (Music Video Production Association) award for Best Direction of a Female Artist for Missy Elliott's "Pass That Dutch" music video by the end of the season.


Jack Black's Monologue
Summary: Jack Black sings of the perils of fame while wandering the back halls of Studio 8-H.

Also Hosted: 01k.

Note: Garrett Morris is visible in the audience.

Transcript


Huggies Thong
Summary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.

Transcript


Queer Eye For The Straight Gal
Summary: The "Straight Eye For the Queer Guy" knock-off is disturbingly fraught with lesbians.


The Wade Robson Project
Summary: Wode Robson (Seth Meyers) hosts a dance show for people who don't know how to dance.

Transcript


Cooking Class
Summary: The Adult students learn the art of Italian cooking from a long-haired chef (Jack Black).

Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez, Ruth Weinstock.

Transcript


TV Funhouse
Summary: Yankee Superheroes prevent aliens from conquering Earth.


John Mayer performs "Bigger Than My Body"
Bio: John Mayer (1977-) was a regular in the Atlanta club circuit before he recorded his major label debut album.


Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Summary: Rush Limbaugh (Jeff Richards) comments on biased statements and pain pills Finesse Mitchell comments on the weird black girls he saw at the movies. In a clip from the Emmy Awards, Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) punches Wanda Sykes (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Rush Limbaugh, Bill Cosby.

Note: Finesse Mitchell's commentary is later revamped as the Starkeesha character, which he performed at his audition. Lorne Michaels hired him on the spot after viewing the impression.

Transcript


John Mayer performs "Clarity"


Cat's in the Cradle
Summary: An acoustic guitarist (Jack Black) is interrupted by his estranged dad (Horatio Sanz) and new wife Shelley Long (Amy Poehler).

Transcript


Wine Critic
Summary: At a wine tasting, a wine critic (Jack Black) spits putrid wines on his presenter (Seth Meyers).


Telemarketers
Summary: Head telemarketer (Jack Black) mourns the end of his era in song.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript



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