Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
A Message From the Vice-President of the United States
Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: And now, from a secret location, here is the Vice-President of the United States.
[ dissolve to Dick Cheney standing in front of a secret cave ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Hello, America. I’m Dick Cheney. As you know, for the past few weeks I’ve been off in an undisclosed location. Well, I’m here tonight to disclose that location – Kandahar, Afghanistan. Yep. As I’ve always said, if you want a job done right, you’ve got to do it yourself. And, trust me, people, I’m all over this thing. Called in a favor with the Delta Air Force, and got myself dropped off down here, along with 50,000 peanut butter sandwiches. Now, I’m right in the middle of it! Trust me, old Uncle Dick is gonna make sure you don’t have to worry about opening your mail come Christmas! Im a one-man Afghani wrecking crew. That Northern Alliance they’ve been talking about? Pretty much just me. U.S. Spcial Forces, Commando units? You’re looking at ’em! I’ve been here one week, I personally destroyed ten airports, countless radar installations, and the only Blockbuster video in the whole damn country! Just for fun, I crazy-glued a couple of those Buddha statues back together. And, between you and me, I’ve also shown a few of these women around here exactly what it means to be a gentleman! [ laughs ]
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably owrried because you heard things about me having a weak heart. Well, I got news for you – check it out, suckers. [ tears open his shirt, revealing a metal device attached to his chest ] I got me a bionic ticker! This thing regulates my heartbeat, it gives me night vision and renders me completely invisible on radar! Check this out. [ presses a button and pours himself a cup of coffee ] I brew my own Sanka! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah.. now, that’s good coffee. And, let me tell you, this ain’t over yet. And I’m talking to you here, Osama bin Laden. I already know these caves like the back of my hand. I know where you live! I’ve been there! I’ve been through your stuff! And, Mr. bin Laden, after what I did, I wouldn’t use your toothbrush if I were you. [ laughs ] You can run but you can’t hide! Thanks to this baby, I can achieve a top speed of up to 70 miles an hour. And when I find you, youve got something coming to you, Mr. bin Laden. [ pulls out shaving cream and a razor ] The beards goin!
In conclusion, Osama bin Laden, I’ve got one thing to say – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Security Guard…..Ana Gasteyer Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell Kurt Bloder…..Jon Stewart
[ open on interior, JFK International Airport security chamber ]
Security Guard: Okay, people, please make sure you have your tickets and your photo and your ID.
[ she enters security room where Kip and Wayne Bloder have been detained ]
Security Guard: So I understand you two were trying to go to Scotsdale, and you have no identification?
[ the Bloder Brothers giggle a little bit ]
Wayne Bloder: Uh, you don’t recognize us? I’m Tom Cruise, and this is Brad Pitt! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: Yeah! And this is the pit, so we’re gonna cruise! [ they laugh ]
Security Guard: Can you please state your names?
Kip Bloder: Uh, I’m Kip Bloder, and this is my brother Wayne.
Security Guard: So you two are brothers?
Wayne Bloder: We are?!
[ they hug each other and laugh ]
Kip Bloder: Hey, thank you, Sally Jesse!
Wayne Bloder: Oh, Brother, where art thou!
Kip Bloder: I’m right over here! Oh, Brother, where art thou!
Wayne Bloder: I’m right here! [ they laugh ]
Security Guard: That’s enough, gentlemen, that’s enough! What are your occupations?
Wayne Bloder: Uh, we calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.
Kip Bloder: And in our spare time, we make love to beautiful ladies! [ they laugh ]
Wayne Bloder: And by “spare time”, we mean our dreams! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: Our dreams, their nightmares! [ they laugh ]
Wayne Bloder: Uh.. Nightmare On Bloder Street! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: Wake up and smell the rejection! [ they laugh ]
Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright, can it! Have these bags been in your possession at all times?
Wayne Bloder: Yes, our bags are definitely posessed! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: Welcome to Flight 6-6-6! This is your Flight Captain Damion! [ they laugh ]
Wayne Bloder: Uh.. and to the left side of the plane down there, you can see the raging fires of hell. And on the right, oh I think that’s a Starbuck’s! [ they laugh ]
Security Guard: You know, what? I don’t see what’s so funny here! Can you please remove your shoes and put them on the table!
[ the Bloder Brothers remove their shoes and put them on the table. Their shoes have flashing lights on the heels. ]
Security Guard: Why are your shoes flashing?
Wayne Bloder: They learned it from us! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: We flash all the time! [ they laugh ]
Wayne Bloder: Uh, I can assure you our shoes have no bombs in them.
Kip Bloder: Unless you count stink bombs! [ they laugh ]
Wayne Bloder: Or you might be smelling our armpits! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: We don’t have ID, but we do have BO! [ they laugh ]
[ a couple of the armed guard move in closer to Kip and Wayne ]
Wayne Bloder: Ohh.. nice outfits. Uh.. you guys must suffer from Chronic Fatigues Syndrome! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: Too bad they’re not Cheryl Fatigue! [ they laugh ]
[ they pick up their shoes and motion them into a little dance ]
Kip & Wayne: [ singing ] “A tea for two, and two for tea, a tea for you, a tea for me..!”
Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright! Do you two clowns understand how serious airport security is right now? We are in a high alert situation! There is a war going on out there right now!
Wayne Bloder: War?
Kip Bloder: Huh?
Wayne Bloder: Good God, y’all.
Kip Bloder: What is it good for?
Wayne Bloder: Absolutely nothing.
Kip Bloder: Say it again.
Wayne Bloder: War?
Kip Bloder: Huh?
Wayne Bloder: Good God, y’all.
Kip Bloder: What is it good for?
Wayne Bloder: Absolutely nothing.
Kip Bloder: Say it again.
Wayne Bloder: War.
Security Guard: [ annoyed ] Alright, I get it! I know the song!
[ Kip and Wayne’s Dad enters the security chamber, holding their passports like pizzas ]
Kurt Bloder: Uh.. did anyone order a pizza with extra passport-aroni!
Kip & Wayne: [ laughing ] Dad!!
Kurt Bloder: This would kill your mother, so, uh.. fortunately, I killed her before I came down here! [ they laugh ]
Security Guard: Excuse me? What are you doing in here? This is a secure area.
Kurt Bloder: Well, uh.. this is a highly insecure area! And uh.. somebody needs a little hug! [ he laughs as he attempts to hug one of the armed guards ]
Security Guard: Sir, who are you?
Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I’m a bomb-sniffing dog, and, uh.. you’re the bomb! [ they laugh ] Don’t shoot! I mean.. [ turns to armed guard ] ..don’t shoot! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: Dad, thank God you’re here!
Wayne Bloder: Tell them who we are!
Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I’ve never seen these two before in my life! [ they laugh ] Actually, I’m just kidding. I’m their dad – Kurt bin Laden! [ they laugh ] And, uh.. al-quaida like to know what’s going on around here! [ they laugh ]
Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright! What’s going on is, between the three of you, you’ve managed to break fourteen laws!
Bloders: [ excited ] Hi-ohhhh!!!
Security Guard: And now you’re all going in to get a cavity search!
Bloders: [ sullen ] Hi-oh..
[ the armed guards pick up the three Bloder men and drag them away from the table ]
Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I see. A cavity search. What is this, uh.. Oz? [ they laugh ]
[ singing ] “Somewhere inside my colon!” [ they laugh ]
Wayne Bloder: You’re the scarecrow, you’re the tin man, and you’re the guy with the big rubber glove! [ they laugh ] Hey! Tell me if you find my keys up there! [ they laugh ]
Kurt Bloder: Hey! If you find my keys, let me know! [ they laugh ]
Kip Bloder: If you find their keys, let them know!
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.
In Pakistan this week, anti-American protestors set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restauranbt on fire. The protestors mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders.
Mark Burnett, the producer of “Survivor: Africa”, says he doesn’t expect current events to limit viewers’ appetites for reality TV, saying, “I feel really confident that people will still be in the mood for crap.”
Canada’s defense minister announced Monday they will aid the U.S. by contributing six naval ships, six aircraft and a special forces unit, although when converted into American numbers, that becomes two canoes and a slingshot.
Cher announced this week that she would not be performing with Britney Spears on the young pop stars November 8th special, because, sadly, Cher has to go back to the shop for repairs.
The two stars actually share a special bond, as Britney’s breasts are made of the same material as Cher’s old nose.
Actor Tom Sizemore says that he is very happy living with his girlfriend, Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss. Sizemore says that after a month of dating, his passion still burns for her – as does his urine.
A new book by a German historian asserts that Adolph Hitler was actually a closet homosexual. The claim is based on the discovery of the new Hitler memoir – “Mein Boyfriend”.
Tina Fey: That’s fascinating.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, yeah –
[ suddenly, Gay Hitler walks in front of the Weekend Update desk ]
Gay Hitler: Hi, Tina. Hi, Jimmy. Sprechen sie dick?
Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!
Tina Fey: Get out of here, Gay Hitler! Go!
[ Gay Hitler salutes, then runs off ]
According to statistics released by the American Society of Plastic Surgery, last year surgeons performed over 389,000 nose jobs, 133,000 face lifts, and 112,000 breast augmentations.. [ pictured: Michael Jackson ].. and it still doesnt look right.
Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary at a restaurant in New York City last night. She ate at 7:00, he ate at 10:30.
Tina Fey: And now, here to talk to us about what the hell is going on, is the New Yorkiest New Yorker I know, our good friend Mr. Colin Quinn.
Colin Quinn: Folks, thank you very much! This is the first politically-correct war we’ve ever had. What is it called? “Operation Regrettable Inevibility”? “Operation Uncomfortable Necessity”?
You know, in the old days, they would have a war – like, World War II was just the opposite, it was too unpolitically-correct. FDR would get on the radio and go, “Okay, tomorrow, we start “Operation Jap Attack”.. “Operation Krout Killer”. Alright.
But Bush, you know, he’s being very tentative on this one, he’s like, “Look, we’re gonna attack. It’s nothing personal against the Afghani people. Please don’t take it personally, it’s not about Islam. If you’re an Islamic-Afghani, don’t worry about it. If you’re an Afghani-Islamic, then you’re pushing it a little bit.”
But they fired the Head of Security at Logan Airports, and that must be difficult, bringing the guy in: “What did you do on your last job?” “I started World War III.” Alright, we’ll see you.
Algazeera-TV, which had the bin Landen video, and I dont watch Algazeera-TV – the kids put it on. They had the bin Laden video, and, first of all, all they play is bin Laden. He’s like “Law & Order” over there. At 2 o’clock in the afternoon, 2 o’clock in the morning. Here’s Algazeera, here’s bin Laden, here’s Jerry Orbach, throwing a guy on a chain-link fence. And he was on there with those nerds from the Taliban, you know the three guys with glasses to make him look cool, with four rifles. And, let me tell you something about the Taliban – they all have the wool vests, they never smile, the Granny glasses, they drive 4x4s all the time.. I think the Taliban are lesbians – dammit, I said it!
And also, the FBI warning is starting to bug me. The FBI warning is: There’s a 100% chance of another attack. Guess what? At 100%, you can stop saying the word “chance”. It makes me mad! They say, “Look, in the next three days, there’s gonna be an attack, guaranteed.” So, you know. So what? They want us to pull our ears, to sort of scare us?
And I’m also getting mad, because, first of all, I love the experts. Everyone’s an expert. You understand this, it’s all about oil. Thanks, Professor Chopsky. It’s party about oil, but it’s partly because some people don’t like us having Britney Spears show her stomach at the M-TV Video Awards. That’s part of it, too. Anyway, a lot of celebrities are also doing their part. Dr. Dre gave a millon dollars, and he’s putting out a video attacking bin Laden. Now, I’m not a rapper – and I say that, because people mistake me. But what are the odds that that video rhymes “Osama” and “Yo mama” at some point?
I’m also getting mad because say, “An eye for an eye”. That’s my other thing, all the other people that are well-intentioned, they’re not – they’re self-righteous. And they say an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind. No, it doesn’t. It leaves everyone with one eye.
Tina Fey: Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn.
Police in India have arrested a man for threatening to kill a tiger he believes his lover from a past life. Well, at least he only wants to kill it.
Tina Fey: Finally tonight, this has been a strange month for all of us here at “Weekend Update” and New York, and all across America.
Jimmy Fallon: So we thought we’d leave you with a little bit of inspiration courtesy of.. wait, is this true?
Tina Fey: It’s inspiration, yes.
Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Neil Diamond.
[ Neil Diamond appears in front of the Weekend Update desk ]
Neil Diamond: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Gina. Thank you, Lenny. You’re both beautiful. Let’s do this, guys. 2, 3, 4!
[ spotlight shines over Neil, as “Turn On Your Heartlight” begins to play ]
“Turn on your heartlight! Let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow For all the world to see.”
[ Gay Hitler reappears, and hands Neil a long-stemmed rose ]
“Turn on your heartlight! In the middle of a young boy’s dream. Don’t wake me up too soon.” Dont do it, Gay Hitler! “Gonna take a ride across the moon. You and me.”
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.
Neil Diamond: [ still singing ] “Turn on your heartlight! Let it shine wherever you go..”
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond Secret Service Agent #1…..Jimmy Fallon Secret Service Agent #2…..Seth Meyers
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ SUPER: “The White House, Sunday January 13, 2002” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Secret Service Station, two Secret Service Agents read magazines ]
[ SUPER: “Secret Service Station in the West Wing 5:45 pm ]
[ suddenly, a crash is heard from upstairs ]
Voice of President George W. Bush: HELP ME!!
[ the Secret Service Agents run quickly ]
[ cut to President George W. Bush rising from the floor, a bag of pretzels spilled open across the coffee table. Bush feels a red mark on his left cheek as the Secret Service Agents rush in. ]
Secret Service Agent #1: Mr. President! Are you okay!
President George W. Bush: [ weeping ] Ye-es.. I’m okay..
Secret Service Agent #1: Mr. President, what happened?
President George W. Bush: Nothing. I just fell down.
[ a sound is heard from behind the couch ]
Secret Service Agent #1: Is someone there?
President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] Uh.. um.. well..
[ Vice-President Dick Cheney, dressed only in a “COPS” suspect-style sleeveless t-shirt, rises from behind the couch ]
Secret Service Agent #2: Mr. Cheney, did you see this happen?
Dick Cheney: Uh.. no. When I, uh, heard the President fall down, I ran in from the other room to make sure he was alright, and, luckily, everything’s okay. [ tugs at Bush’s shirt and pulls him up ] He just fell down, he hit his head on the table, right, Mr. President?
President George W. Bush: It’s okay, fellas, I was just.. just watching the game..
Dick Cheney: The game.
President George W. Bush: I just fell down..
Dick Cheney: Fell down.
President George W. Bush: After I ate a pretzel, I choked on it..
Dick Cheney: Choked on it.
President George W. Bush: I fainted..
Dick Cheney: Fainted.
President George W. Bush: ..fell down..
Dick Cheney: Yeah. And then?
President George W. Bush: I hit my head on the table, and that’s what happened?
Secret Service Agent #1: [ not convinced ] Are.. are you sure you’re okay?
President George W. Bush: Yes. This happens all the time.
Dick Cheney: Yeah, you see, everything’s okay?
Secret Service Agent 21: Mr. President, do you want to speak to us alone?
Dick Cheney: What’s the point! He’s given his statement!
Secret Service Agent #1: Well, we’d like the President to tell us –
Dick Cheney: [ angry ] Don’t you understand English?! He said he choked on a pretzel and fell down!
Secret Service Agent #1: I’d like to hear that from him.
President George W. Bush: Like Dick says – I ate a pretzel, I choked on it and fell down.
Dick Cheney: Alright, you heard him. Now, if you’ll excuse eus, I think what the President needs is to lie down. Isn’t that right, Mr. President?
President George W. Bush: [ Cheney’s puppet ] Yes. I would like to lie down.
Dick Cheney: Let’s get you to bed, and no more pretzels for you! [ walks the Secret Service Agents into the hall ] I’m sorry about the false alarm, but as you can see, it was just a matter of the president choking on a pretzel and hitting his head on the table. [ holds out a wad of bills ] Here’s a little something for your troubles.
Secret Service Agent #2: No, Mr. Vice-President, we’re not allowed to accept that.
Dick Cheney: Suit yourselves. Alright, gentlemen, keep up the good work.
[ Cheney exits back into the room with Bush, and can be heard yelling and screaming at him abusively ]
Secret Service Agent #1: I hate to see this night after night, I wish there was something we could do..
Secret Service Agent #2: I know, but without a statement from the President, our hands are tied.
Secret Service Agent #1: Yeah, but I see it in his eyes, he wants to tell us something.
Secret Service Agent #2: Tell us what?
Secret Service Agent #1: Call me crazy, but I think he wants to tell us.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“
Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am so excited to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. But I was so afraid to fly here – so I canceled my trip. And then I saw Guiliani on television saying to be brave. So, the next day I got on an airplane. Then we started rehearsing, and I got calm, I got really excited. And then, yesterday, they discovered anthrax in the building! So, I immediately left. I went back to the hotel, and I thought again about being brave. So I came back, and I’m here, and you’re here, and you’re being brave, too! And I thank you for it! And I want to thank my husband, because he’s here and he’s supporting me – Tom, thank you!
[ Tom Green is seen sitting in the audience, wearing a gas mask over his face ]
It’s okay, you can take off the mask, be brave, it’s okay, go ahead. Take it off, honey!
[ Tom removes the gas mask from his face ]
I love him! I love you guys! We have put together a great show for you – Macy Gray is here, it’s gonna rock! Stick around! Alright!
Tracy Morgan V/O: Welcome to “Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy”.
Rachel Dratch V/O: A show inspired by actual conversations and interactions between Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan.
Rachel Dratch: Hello, and welcome to the show. I’m Rachel!
Tracy Morgan: I’m Tracy.
Rachel Dratch: And today we’ll be talking to a funny man, and talk show host in his own right – Jon Stewart. But first, a segment called Catching Up, where Tracy and I catch up in what’s going on in each other’s life. So, Tracy, what did you do last night?
Tracy Morgan: I just chilled out with the home boys, you know what I’m saying? Busted down a couple bottles of Crystal at the club. Drove around in my baby blue Jaguar. Typical bad boy stuff.
Rachel Dratch: Cool, cool.
Tracy Morgan: What aboutchoo, Dratch! Whatdjyou did last night?
Rachel Dratch: Um.. I went to this Brazilian restaurant on the Upper West side, with a couple Dartmouth friends. Um.. you should go, they have really good flan.
Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I don’t know that is.
Rachel Dratch: Okay. Well, let’s bring out tonight’s guest – Jon Stewart!
[ Jon Stewart enters the set and sits ]
Tracy Morgan: [ laughing ] I see you doin’ your thing on “The Daily Show”, man! Keep doin’ you, Paul!
Jon Stewart: Thank you very much.
Rachel Dratch: Um.. so, Jon. Um.. in addition to hosting “The Daily Show”, which is really funny, you recently hosted the Grammy Awards. What was that like?
Jon Stewart: Uh.. it was great. I didn’t really know what to expect –
Tracy Morgan: Right, man! You hosted the Grammys! You got to see the Marmalade Girls up close!
Jon Stewart: Uh.. yeah. I met some of the artists, you know. So that –
Tracy Morgan: Christina got some new boobies, right!
Jon Stewart: I.. I don’t, really.. uh.. I don’t know..
Tracy Morgan: She spent some of that cheese on that front meat!
Jon Stewart: I.. I don’t, uh..
Rachel Dratch: Um.. he thinks Christina Aguliera got breast implants, and.. and would like to know your thoughts on that.
Jon Stewart: Oh. Oh. I’m not really good at spotting that sort of thing, so it’s.. it’s not really.. yeah.
Rachel Dratch: Alright. Well, hosting an awards show of that caliber must be quite stressful.
Jon Stewart: Uh..
Tracy Morgan: You like to get high, right?
Jon Stewart: [ stunned ] Uh.. n-no.. no.. I don’t.. uh..
Rachel Dratch: Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: What! Get real, Dratch! I been backstage at those awards shows, man! The Source Awards was like Weed City, bra! Come on, tell me – y’all like to get lifted, right!
Jon Stewart: Uh.. uh.. lifted?
Rachel Dratch: Um.. I find if Tracy says a word that I don’t know, it usually means “high”.
Jon Stewart: Oh! Um.. okay. I don’t.. I don’t really get lifted any more, so..
Tracy Morgan: We gotta chill sometime, me and you!
Jon Stewart: I’m.. I’m busy.
Tracy Morgan: With the show?
Jon Stewart: Yes, yes! The show!
Tracy Morgan: You be doin’ all that investigative reportin’ and stuff, goin’ to the White House and Afghanistan?
Jon Stewart: Yeah. You’ve never seen the show, have you, Tracy?
Tracy Morgan: It’s on cable, right?
Jon Stewart: Yes. Yes, it is on cable.
Tracy Morgan: I’m sorry, man, I only cable for one thing, man – hardcore porn!
Rachel Dratch: Sometimes, I watch “Family Ties” reruns on Nick-at-Nite.
Jon Stewart: There’s hardcore porn on cable?
Tracy Morgan: Yep.
Rachel Dratch: Um.. so, Jon.. Jon, do you think you’re going to remain on cable, or might you consider expanding to a wider market?
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs hysterically ] Look at Dratch, pretendin’ to be all interested in TV marketing, when she’s just tryin’ to get her freak on!
Rachel Dratch: [ flabbergasted ] What?!
Tracy Morgan: You don’t care about no “The Daily Show”. You just tryin’ to be his daily ho!
Rachel Dratch: [ embarrassed ] Tracy, that is not true!
Tracy Morgan: [ laughing hysterically ] Look at Dratch turning all red!
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my God.. I’m.. I’m really sorry.. um.. okay, um.. [ fumbling with her cards ] There’s been a lot of talk about, um.. late night comedy sdhows versus news shows. Your show kind of straddles the line.
Jon Stewart: Yes, yes.. uh.. uh..
Tracy Morgan: You’d like to straddle that line!
Rachel Dratch: I am trying to conduct an interview!
Tracy Morgan: No, you ain’t! Jon! Baby girl look cute, right!
Jon Stewart: No, no.. very cute.. she’s charming, and very funny..
Tracy Morgan: Then why don’t you get her pregnant!
Rachel Dratch: [ embarrassingly upset ] TRACY!!
Tracy Morgan: You think he cute, right!
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my.. NO!! I mean.. yes! Yes, he is.. you are cute.. aarrggh!!
Jon Stewart: No, but I.. I’m married.. I’m married.
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my God! Tracy! This is so embarrassing! I was not hitting on you.
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs hysterically ]
Rachel Dratch: That’s all the time we have on “Talking to the Stars with Rachel and Tracy”. That’s all the time we have.
Jon Stewart: Thank you, very much I appreciate it.
Welcome to Saturday Night Live. Thank you.
Now first of all uh, I do, I do want to address some of the some of the late night rumors that are out there. There are some rumors that Davewill leave CBS and people wanta know if I would be interested in taking that spot or maybe Dave doesn’t, or maybe I’ll take the spot at ABC.
I just want to clarify, uh uh about those rumors, uh yes I would do, I’d do that one, I would I would do Dave, Leno, Conan anyone who wants to leave. Willard Scott you tired of waving at old people? I’ll takethat I’ll do whatever ya…
I work on basic cable do you understand what I’m saying? I’d like toget some of those spoiled rich guys over to my neck of the woods whereyou still have to pay for your own sodas and your show comes on afterthree Andrew McCarthy movies. Do you understand what that’s like? Andnot the good ones where the mannequin comes to life – the bad ones!
But I have fun, uh I did the Grammys last week but it left me uh uh with a very interesting question
(In a high pitched voice in response to the applause) Thank you.
It did leave me with an interesting question. Are Justin and Britneythe before and Kid Rock and Pam Anderson the after? Does anyone know?
(applause)
Now I’m back in New York and I’m delighted to be. I’ve lived herefifteen years and I love it here.
(applause)Yea! Hooray for having an apartment!
Uh I still feel safe here ya know, probably because cuz in my apartmentI have that chain that goes from the wall to the door. Cuz you justput that on at night and that just says to the terrorists HEY! You not getting in here unless you … push with your hand ..Pretty hard.
But it’s an exciting time to be in New York Saint Padies Day paradecoming up next week. (lots of obnoxious cheering from audience) Yes,they’re already drunk for it, that’s exciting. The Saint Padies..though it is a little controversial. Gay people are not allowed toMarch in the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade. But let me just explainsomething to you. I know that’s controversial, but gay people are very flamboyant and they can’t march in that parade because you don’t want ANYTHING to distract from the Dignity of that parade. You know what I’m saying?
You don’t want some gay guy checking you out … when you’re whizzing on the side of a building.
I don’t know why people fear the gay agenda. Gay people don’t seem towant all that much. They want to march in the Saint Padies Day Parade,they want to be in the army… Uh they want uh uh march in the SaintPaddies day, be in the army, get married. It’s not that big of deal,why can’t gay people be in the army? What’s that about? What’s thearmy afraid of gonna happen if gay people are in it?
“Private shoot that man!” “uh I can’t sir, he’s adorable”
You know what I think? The army’s afraid of a thousand gay guys withM-16’s going “Who’d you call a faggot?” They can’t be in the boy scouts? I don’t know who the Boy Scouts think they’re kidding. I mean come on! The Boy Scouts is already the gayest organization in America! The Definition of gay isn’t same sex intercourse it’s thousands of young boys in neckerchiefs … eagerly awaiting next years Jamboree.Even The Village People think those outfits are gay.
What are they afraid of? With all the, I mean sexuality is what it is.I mean people can’t convince you to do that. I mean I have a tape of aguy having sex with a piñata! I think or maybe that’s how they get the candy in them. I don’t know.
But it’s no, you can’t talk people in and out of that stuff, you justare what you are, your mind can be changed, your heart can be swayed,your (looks sheepish) penis is very stubborn. I’m telling you!
I mean if you were driving home and you passed a pumpkin field and yougot a little tingling, and then the next night you drove past thepumpkin field again and you got another little tingling… I’ve got bad news for ya! One night, you’re banging a Pumpkin!
And they’re not going to get you to pray it out or do. You know they’ve got that thing “oh, well, put The Ten Commandments up, that will fix everything!” Put The Ten Commandments up, that will stop school violence!”
Oh yeah, kids will come to school, “oh thou shall NOT kill!, oh God!”
If you think putting The Ten Commandments up is gonna stop schoolviolence then you think … “Employees Must Wash Hands” is keeping theurine out of your Happy Meal! (whispers) it’s not!
We got a great show for you tonight! India Arie is going to be here!We’ll be right back!
Voice over: The following is an important announcement from The First Liberty Savings bank.
James Whiteside IV: Hello Im James Whiteside the fourth, President of First Liberty Savings Bank. This week after 85 years of continuous operation, our bank is finally closing its doors. Its a sad event for the First Liberty family, but for our customers, a tremendous opportunity. You see our drawers and vaults are literally stuffed with United States currency and by 5pm Friday, every item must go!
Like these, twenty dollar bills, list price twenty dollars each, now just 17.95. Or these, fifty dollar bills. This week only 37.25. If youre interested in one hundred dollar bills, weve got them too, three for 65 dollars.
As you can imagine this is not easy for me. My Great-Grandfather founded this bank in 1916 and to watch it go out of business is breaking my heart. But there is nothing I can do about it. Weve lost our lease and weve got to be out by Saturday so J-Crew can come in. Now let me ask you a question. Have you ever thought of owning a thousand dollar bill? Well do you have 175 dollars? How bout 17 dollars and 50 cents. You heard me, 10 percent down, pay the rest when you can.
You know, when my father stepped down as bank president I tried to tellhim, Im not the guy! Lets go outside the company. There are morequalified people out there. Im not good at this! But it was like I was speaking another language. Jamie, he said, its what youve always wanted, NO DAD, Its what YOUVE always wanted for me, but Im not you, Im ME and you cant live my life for ME! Only I can live my life, NOT YOU! Maybe now Dad, you understand that!
(looks down sadly, then looks up and continues as if nothing had happened)
This is the 1907 U.S. twenty dollar gold piece, considered by many to be the most beautiful coin ever made. I found a bunch of these down in the basement, three dollars a box. Weve also got forty tons of mintcondition quarters, halves and silver dollars, there in the dumpster out back with the stock certificates. Lets see, what else, uh, plenty of parking, free face painting for the kids. Thats about it.Oh, and Im gay, (sarcastically) sorry Dad.
Voice over: the First liberty Savings Bank Liquidation Sale, doors openMonday 9 am.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Amelie…..Chris Kattan …..Jack Black …..Kyle Gass
Announcer: from Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, its Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Hi. Im Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: Im Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonights top stories:
The British Royal family finally acknowledged that 17 year old Prince Harry has a problem with binge drinking and pot smoking. They knew he had a problem because every time he was referred to as the Royal Highness he giggled.
Larry King has signed a 56 million dollar deal with CNN. The broadcaster is now financially set for the rest of his wives.
This week ABC declined to air a 25th Anniversary special on their ground-breaking mini-series Roots. The decision not to run the special was made by ABC network programming executive, The Man.
For those of you who dont remember, Roots, it follows a saga of Kunta Kinte from young African tribesman, to slavery, to becoming literate, and eventually being the top of his class at Star Fleet Academy.
According to financial reports, the Enron Corporation paid no income taxes for 4 of the last 5 years, because apparently Enron had its taxes done by Willie Nelson.
Tina Fey: You know, Ive been reading about this story all week, and I figured out that Republicans are geniuses, because they keep their scandals so incredibly boring that people will stop paying attention to them. Democratic scandals have words like fondle, intern and murder. Republican scandals have words like Over-sight-subcommittee-chairman and partially-exempted-multi-lateral-platform. Come on, thats so boring!!
Basically, the Enron executives ran off with hundreds of millions of dollars, and their employees lose all their life savings. Basic evil guy stuff. Its like tying a woman to the rail road tracks, or trying to take over the world with a laser beam, like the casadine. Also, Enron had all of these shady, foreign subsidiaries to avoid taxes. , and they have 690 subsidiaries in the Kayman Islands. (in Jamaican voice) What do you do for a job man? I braid the white girls hair by the cruise ship, I sell a little weed, and then on the weekend me a SCEO officer subsidiaries Enron
(Back to normal voice) Now Enrons accounting firm Arthur Anderson is in trouble because they destroyed several months worth of documents. Ok, in this day and age, how can you not possibly know that if you shred documents your going to get in trouble?!? Its like if your girlfriend says Hey, lets go on the Jenny Jones show, I have a surprise for you. How can you not know thats bad? Its not gonna be good.
Then on Friday, Enron fired Arthur Anderson as their accounting firm; thats gonna be a blow right? To be fired by a totally bankrupt company. Its like Tom Green divorcing Drew Barrymore, you know Drew was like (Doing Drew Barrymore impression) So your getting rid of me? Thats amazing. (Back to normal voice) so now the government is investigating the whole thing, alright. But John Ashcroft had to recuse himself, because Enron donated money to his campaign, same with President Bush, Dick Cheney, Joe Lieberman has recused himself now. The commerce secretary, the treasury secretary– basically the only person in the country without any sort of tie to Enron is that kid out of the Dell Computer Commercial. But Im pretty sure Steve will get to the bottom of this because hes a very bright kid. Back to you Jimmy.
Big news in todays New England/ Oakland play off game as President Bush successfully ate a Pringle.
Friends star Jennifer Anniston suffered minor injuries after getting into a car accident on Hollywood. The other driver had his car totalled, but on the upside he gets to tell his friends he rear ended Jennifer Anniston.
Both: Oh snap!! You didnt!! Oh snap!! (continually)
This week in Florida a plaque honouring actor James Earl Jones for an upcoming Martin Luther King day event was mistakenly inscribed James Earl Ray, the man who killed Dr. King, its true. According to the plaque designer, it was an honest mistake (shows a picture of a Kloo Klux Klan member holding a plaque)
A new study shows that the Dead Sea is dropping at a rate of 2.5 inches a year. Also dropping at a rate of 2.5 inches a year: Martin Landaus testicles.
Tina Fey: Interesting science
Jimmy Fallon: Well thats–
(A LOUD KNOCK)
Jimmy Fallon: Did you hear that?
Tina Fey: Yeah, I think theres someone at the Update door. Ill go get it.
(TINA OPENS DOOR AND A SILENT AMELIE WALKS IN)
Tina Fey: Oh Jimmy, look who it is. Its your friend Amelie from the French film of the same title.
(AMELIE WALKS IN NOT MAKING A NOISE)
Tina Fey: Hi Amelie.
Jimmy Fallon: Amelie, its good to see you. How are you?
(AMELIE PUTS HER HAND ON HER MOUTH)
Both: Awwwwwww
Jimmy Fallon: Did you say hi to Tina?
(AMELIE WAVES)
Tina Fey: Hi Amelie.
Jimmy Fallon: What did you bring us? Whats that, a spoon?
(AMELIE WAVES A SPOON AROUND)
Jimmy Fallon: Awwwwwww Is there anything you want to say to the audience?
(AMELIE PUTS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH AND SHAKES HER HEAD FRANTICALLY. SHE RUNS AWAY)
Both: Goodbye Amelie.
Tina Fey: She is adorable.
Jimmy Fallon: Shes so cute.
Tina Fey: Shes very endearing, very cute
Judges at the upcoming Winter Olympics have warned figure skaters to keep their acts clean and have banned costumes that give the appearance of nudity or are too tight. Men, however are still free to quote Take it to Bulge City
Tina Fey: The Red Cross have been reviewing conditions this week at Camp X-Ray, where Al Kyda and Taliban prisoners are being held. Here with an opinion is Jimmy.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks Tina, and no one else. The Red Cross– (looking around) I didnt hear any applause (Audience claps, so Jimmy throws his pencil). I forgot to press the applause button. Theyre just tired of me. (Jimmy laughs). The Red Cross is in Cuba this week and reviewing conditions of a prison camp called Camp X-Ray, and I have an Opinion. (the lights flicker to give an X-Ray effect)
I know as Americans we support human rights, but do we really have to make sure these terrorists arent sad? The Red Cross is saying that these conditions are inhumane because they are exposed to the elements. What elements are they worried about, the Tropical weather, Cuban cigars or cool music? I saw Buena Vista Social Club. By the way, the paper says they are giving them bagels. I know these guys hate Jewish people, but theyre lying in the sun, eating bagels with a smear each day; theyre more Jewish than Alan Sherman. (Begins singing) Hello Moula, hello Ala, here I am at, camp Poulacha-pa-cha-pa (stops singing). They also claim that prisoners are in dually restricted in their movements. Hey, I live in a studio apartment in New York city. I cant even do this (waves hia arms) without knocking something over. I am restricted! Red Cross, if you want to help someone help me. I bet the pubic would rather me have a nicer apartment than have terrorists getting a freaking smoothie! Why are you trying to improve their living conditions? Theyre suicide bombers. They hate living conditions. They dont want to live under any conditions, and if you make them live better, thats inhumane. I have an Opinion on Camp X-ray (lights flicker).
According to officials in South Carolina, cuts in the states education department may hurt gifted children. Also hurting gifted children: all of the other children.
Fox is making a feature film for the comic strip Garfield. Meanwhile a very different Hollywood story going on for Heath-cliff who was last seen on Sunset Boulevard offering sex for tuna.
Jimmy Fallon: Now here with a commentary on the Middle East, the worlds greatest rock and roll band, Tenacious D.
JB: Thank you James. Hello, Im JB, this is KG were the D. Thank you. Now when were not at the crib kicking out the jams, we spend most of our time studying the Middle Easts geo-politics, and this troubled region is the fulcrum of which the Earths delicate balance rests. We piked the brains of the nations foremost collegiate professors in order to better understand these intricate and ancient conflicts, and we think weve finally got it sorted out, right KG?
KG: Yeah.
JB: So wed like to debut this song on which we feel explains exactly whats going on over there. (KG begins to play guitar) Its called Hornets Nest
Hornets, hornets, whatcha gonna do about the hornets?
Hornets, hornets, whatcha gonna do??
Hornets nest, hornets nest, the Middle East is just a crazy hornets nest.
Hornets nest, hornets nest, whatcha gonna do??
KG: Pakistan
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: Taliban
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: East Sedan
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: Mongolia
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: London, England
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: Miami, Florida
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: The whole damn thing
JB: Hornets nest!
JB:
Put on a protective suit.
Dive straight into the hornets nest
Searching for the queen hornet
Sipping the delicious honey
(JB begins to hit imaginary hornets with a flyswat with an American flag stuck to both sides)
AND STOP!
Jimmy Fallon: Sanction, precious, penetrating Tenacious D!!! For Weekend Update, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
