Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
[ Wife #1 give Husband $1 a wrapped Christmas present. He opens it to discover a small model car, as she takes a Polaroid of the moment. ]
Husband #1: It’s a.. a toy?
Wife #1: You don’t like it.
Husband #1: No, no, it’s great.
Wife #1: As they say, it’s the thought that counts. [ hands him the resulting Polaroid ]
Husband #1: I know.. I know.. [ looks at the Polaroid, which shows a brand new life-sized car complete with huge bow on top. Curious, he looks outside to see the brand new car sitting there. ] Wooooww!!
V/O: When you want to give the perfect gift.
[ cut to Wife #2 surprising Husband #2 with a new car, sans huge bow ]
Wife #2: Happy birthday, honey!
Husband #2: [ disappointed ] It’s great.. thanks.
Wife #2: [ confused ] That’s it? It’s a brand new SUV.
Husband #2: Yeah. But it doesn’t have one of those huge, oversized bows on top. So I hate it.
[ cut to Flenderson’s Spokesman standing amid huge bows ]
Spokesman: When you surprise your spouse with a new car, make sure to top it off with a Flenderson’s high-quality oversized bow. If it isn’t a Flenderson’s, it’s not worth putting on the top of your new car that you give to your spouse for a gift!
[ cut to Husband #3 with his hands covering Wife #3’s eyes so she can’t see her new car with huge bow on top ]
Husband #3: Happy aniversary, honey.
V/O: Flenderson’s.
Wife #3: [ elated ] What a beautiful bow! Oh, my God!
[ cut back to Flenderson’s Spokesman standing amid huge bows ]
Spokesman: Making custom-crafted, high-quality huge bows for the tops of your new gift car since 1925!
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: Not for use on the Ford Focus on the ’98 Geo Metro.
[Carson Daly enters the TRL set before an audience of screaming teenage girls]
Carson Daly: SHUT UP!
[the audience stops screaming]
Carson Daly: Welcome to TRL, Im Carson Daly. Genial, non-threatening, a little doughy, and yet, theres something about me, isnt there? We have a big show for you today, we have a very special guest, one of the most powerful men in the music business, having creating more than 40 pop bands. Please welcome from Orlando, Florida, Lou Pearlstein!
[the audience screams as Lou Pearlstein enters the set and takes a seat]
Lou Pearlstein: Hello-ello KIDS!
Carson Daly: Wow, Lou Pearlstein. For those of us who arent familiar with your history, tell us the names of some of the bands youve created.
Lou Pearlstein: Uh, a lot of bands such as 5.1 The Upgrade, Cool Tune Review, Tykie Town, Brown Town, Color Me Badd
Carson Daly: Amazing. Now how many of those bands are you still managing?
Lou Pearlstein: None. Not one. Not one band he-e-eres the thing I takeem to the big time, I breakem in, and then they leave me.
Carson Daly: Thats not cool. Whats up with that?
Lou Pearlstein: I uhh like to wet the beak, I like to give a taste, I like to double dip.
Carson Daly: I dont understand.
Lou Pearlstein: I embezzle. I take their money.
Carson Daly: Oh, I see.
Lou Pearlstein: And then these kids, they got parents, lawyers, and err police, and child endangerment laws and judges and he-e-eres a tip. If you delete something from your hard drive, its not gone! Its not! The FBI can still find it!!
Carson Daly: Ok, I understand you brought together a new group. Tell us about this one.
Lou Pearlstein: I got to thinking, theres so many talented musicians in the world, what if I went around and knocked them out with a chemical and took their blood and DNA and brought it to a lab in, lets say, Mexico, cause they got no laws down there whatsoever, you know, and then genetically engineered my own boy band?
Carson Daly: You are a crazy man, but its all good. Without further adieu, let s meet the new band, named for the gelatinous protein medium on which they were raised, ladies and gentleman, give it up for, Agar!
Lou Pearlstein: First up Kyle, hes the shy one.
[The audience screams as Kyle enters]
Lou Pearlstein: Next, heres Shadddd, spelled with four ds, hes the cute one.
[The audience screams as Shadddd enters]
Lou Pearlstein: Look out ladies! Here comes Greg! Hes the wild one and hes allergic to light.
[The audience screams as Greg enters. He then holds his hands up, covering his face, and shakes]
Carson Daly: Hes allergic to light?
Lou Pearlstein: Yeah, hes got a defect, a genetic defect. This kids out there with defects too. I mean, they need someone to look up to, lets say out there theres a kid with, I dont know gills and lobster claws for arms, I mean, who do they look up to?
Carson Daly: I dont know.
Lou Pearlstein: Say hello to Jeremy.
[The audience screams as Jeremy enters, wearing a fishlike costume with fins and lobster claw arms.]
Lou Pearlstein: And finally, the sweet little baby of the group, I just made him myself, Ass Face!
[The audience screams as Ass Face [miscellaneous person] appears, with a plastic butt in place of a face]
Carson Daly: Wow. Agar, everybody. You know, Lou, they have I dont really wanna say what they have, I dont want to put a label on it or define it.
Lou Pearlstein: Th-th-theyre freaks, genetic freaks. Mutants is what they are. Yeah! Heres a little tip, if you are putting together a boy band at the molecular level, and you accidentally spill Captain Morgans rum into the petri dish, you should throw that batch away. Well, anyway, theyre here, they dont lip synch, none of that crap from my bands. Th-th-they got TALENT! Lets hear them sing!
Carson Daly: Without further ado, heres the new single from Agar called “Thinkin Bout Love.”
Lou Pearlstein: Yeah!
[Slow music starts as the boys begin to sway boy band style]
[singing]
Kyle: “Girl, when I think about you–“
All: “Im in heaven.”
Shadddd: “Girl, I think about you–“
All: “24-7.
Thinkin bout love Thinkin bout you.”
Greg: “Ohhhhhh .Girl I think about you all the time And every time I do it really blows my mind ”
[Greg is shocked]
AAAHHH!!!! It burns! It burns!
[He covers his face from the light and starts shaking and crying, then he rejoins the group]
All: “Girl youre all I dream about Youre all I dream about.”
[speaking]
Jeremy: Girl, I wanna get with you, even though my penis looks like a thick piece of bacon with a toenail hanging from it! Its hard to explain, girl, you kind of just have to see it. The point is, forget it, girl. Kill me, Ill give you the knife! I dont wanna have to live like this! I have GILLS!!!!
[singing]
Jeremy: “Thinkin bout love.”
All: “Thinkin bout love Thinkin bout you.”
[Ass Face jumps in front of the group and starts to dance wildly]
Jeremy: Ass Face, take it home, bro!
All: Go Ass! Go Ass!
[Liquid pours out of Ass Faces hole]
All: Go, go, go Ass!
[singing]
All: “Cause youre my gi-r-r-rl, ooooh!”
[audience cheers]
Carson Daly: What – what was that?
Lou Pearlstein: Oh, the liquid? I dont know, but I do know this it eats through metal. [laughs] Arent they the best?
Carson Daly: No, theyre not Im Carson Daly, and I have 80 other shows to do. Bye.
[Carson quickly exits, TRL bumper shown as audience screams]
…..Jon Stewart Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond Stone Phillips…..Seth Meyers Ed Bradley…..Dean Edwards Christne Amanpour…..Chris Kattan Greta van Susstren…..Amy Poehler …..Jimmy Fallon Ashleigh Bandfield/herself…..Tina Fey Helen Thomas…..Ana Gasteyer Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond Starr Jones…..Tracy Morgan Lisa Ling…..Maya Rudolph David Letterman…..Jeff Richards
[ open on interior, living room of Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Stone Phillips and Jon Stewart, as Tom organizes a party platter in the middle of the room. Jon rusges through the front door. ]
Jon Stewart: I’m home, I’m home! I’m sorry, guys. I’m sorry I’m late, Tom, really.
Tom Brokaw: Don’t apologize to me. Talk to Rather.
Jon Stewart: Oh.
Dan Rather: This just in: I slaved all day over a hot stove, preapring for tonight’s party, and you show up an hour late. Stone Phillips had to blow up the balloons all by himself.
Jon Stewart: I’m sorry. I was supposed to set up, the taping ran late, it’s my fault –
Dan Rather: So what you’re telling me is, because little Miss Basic Cable can’t read a prompter, I should sit here and pull my own pudding?
Tom Brokaw: Now, Dan, don’t be this way.
Dan Rather: Why don’t you just go jump up your own ass, Brokaw? [ exits to kitchen ]
Jon Stewart: Boy.. hey, how’s Koppel? How’s he handling this whole thing? Is he still in his room?
Tom Brokaw: Does this answer your question? [ holds up empty Snackwells carton ]
Jon Stewart: Oh, my God! Not another Snackwell’s bender!
Tom Brokaw: Yeah. There’s six more boxes just like that in the trash.
Jon Stewart: Oh, Ted..
Tom Brokaw: Rather thought this party might cheer him up.
Jon Stewart: Yeah.. hey, listen. I can’t say this enough. I am so honored that you guys have asked me to live with you. It just makes me feel like I’ve made it. Thank you.
Tom Brokaw: You’re welcome.
[ Stone Phillips enters the living room from the basement ]
Stone Phillips: I am Stone Phillips. I was just in th basement doing laundry.. and what you don’t know about our dryer.. could kill you!
Tom Brokaw: Shut up, Stone!
[ Stone exits ]
[ doorbell rings ]
Jon Stewart: I’ll get that. [ looks through peephole ] Oh! It’s Christine Amanpour and Ed Bradley! [ opens door ] Thanks for coming!
Ed Bradley: Well, we wanted to be here for Ted. We brought the Franjelico. [ hands Jon a bottle ]
Jon Stewart: Listen, Christine, what happened to your face?
Christine Amanpour: [ with bandage on upper lip ] I cut myself shaving!
Jon Stewart: Well, thanks for coming. [ Greta van Susstren enters ] Greta van Susstren! You look great! Let me take your coat!
[ with eyes pointed, Greta removes coat to reveal equally pointed breasts ]
Greta van Susstren: Why stop at the eyes?
Jon Stewart: Wow..
[ dissolve to later in the evening ]
[ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ]
Tom Brokaw: So I was watching “Ally MacBeal” on my Tivo.. Now, if you ask me, Jon Bon Jovi is not an appropriate foil for Ally.
Christine Amanpour: [ as she chews on a chicken bone ] I once lived for three weeks on moss and grubs in the deserts of Somalia.
Tom Brokaw: [ not interested ] Great.
[ Jimmy Fallon and Ashleigh Bandfield enter from stage right ]
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, uh, Brokaw? Great party, man!
Tom Brokaw: Oh, thank you, Jimmy Fallon!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, you know what? I was thinking about doing you on the show, check it out – [ purposely bad Tom Brokaw imitation ] “Good evening, I’m Tom Brokaw. Tonight, the policing of America. Tragic news.”
Tom Brokaw: [ shakes head ] That doesn’t sound anything like me. But hello, Tina. [ growls ]
Tina Fey: No, I’m supposed to be Ashleigh Banfield. You know what, forget it. I shouldn’t be in sketches, anyway. [ runs off of the set ]
Tom Brokaw: No! Tina, come back!
Helen Thomas: [ armed with pen and notepad, Helen Thomas nearly scares Tom with her approach ] Helen Thomas, UPI! Where’s the crapper in this joint?
Tom Brokaw: Through the kitchen, Helen.
Helen Thomas: Thanks.
[ she retreats to the bathroom, passing Jon Stewart trying to coax Ted Koppel out of his bedroom ]
Jon Stewart: Come on, Ted! Come on out!
Ted Koppel: No!
Jon Stewart: Everyone wants to see you, they’re all coming here for you, Ted!
Ted Koppel: I’m ugly!
Jon Stewart: You’re not ugly!
Ted Koppel: Nobody wants to see me on TV!
Jon Stewart: You know that’s not true, Ted!
Tom Brokaw: [ peeved ] Hey! Who invited Shalit?
[ Gene Shalit is shown eating deviled eggs like a pig ]
Gene Shalit: These deviled eggs are eggs-cellent!
Jon Stewart: I just don’t think Ted’s ever coming out of here!
Tom Brokaw: I know how to get him out. It’s time for Plan B.
[ turns on karaoke machine and begins singing ]
“I’ve had the time of my life and I’ve never felt this way before And I swear..”
[ Ted Koppel opens his bedroom door and enters the living room, as Tom hands him a microphone ]
Ted Koppel: [ singing ] “..This is true-ue-ue.”
Tom Brokaw: “That I owe it all to you.”
Together: “‘Cause I’ve had the time of my life!”
Ted Koppel: Brokaw, you old so-and-so, you always knew how to get me! Come on, everybody, let’s get this party started!
[ Ted leads the group as they all dance to the “Nightline” tune ]
[ doorbell rings, as Jon quiets everyone down ]
Jon Stewart: Whoa, whoa, whoa! It’s the cops! No, I’m just kidding! [ looks through the peephole ] Hey, it’s Starr Jones and Lisa Ling, and.. David Letterman..
Ted Koppel: [ moves forward with steely determination in his eyes ] Let him in.
[ Jon opens the door ]
Starr Jones: Hey, everybody! I brought my artichoke dip!
Jon Stewart: Oh, thank you. [ attempt to take the dip from Starr ]
Starr Jones: [ pulls her dip away from Jon ] I said my artichoke dip!
Lisa Ling: And no, I was not in “Charlie’s Angels”, that was Lucy Liu. [ sighs with disgust ]
[ David Letterman enters slowly, as Ted moves closer ]
Ted Koppel: David.
David Letterman: Ted.
[ they both start to say something, then laugh off the tension of the moment ]
David Letterman: Go ahead.
Ted Koppel: No, please, you go first.
David Letterman: Look, Ted, I-I-I-I.. I just want to say, I feel so damn awful! You know, I.. I feel like a damn fool, you know! These network buffoons, they just, they, they, you know –
Ted Koppel: David, please. I mean, I realize that my average median viewer is fifty years old, yours is only forty-seven. It’s clear I just don’t relate to the kids the way you do.
David Letterman: Oh now, come on! That’s just crazy! You’re Ted Koppel, you’re an institution!
Ted Koppel: [ touched ] Thank you, David.. actually.. that means a lot.
David Letterman: Well, Ted.. I’m so sorry.
Ted Koppel: No, David, I’m sorry.
[ the lights turn low, as David and Ted embrace in a hug and begin to slow dance ]
Mayor: ..And, fortunately, nobody was hurt. Questions?
[ hands are raised ]
Reporter #1: Mayor Holden? Uh, Phil Jensen, City Gazette. Did the traffic light malfunction?
Mayor: Uh, we don’t know that yet. [ hands are raised for more questions ] Yes?
Reporter #2: Mr. Mayor, Janet Wilkinson, KCBL-TV. Hasn’t this happened before at this intersection?
Mayor: Uh, yes.. and we’re looking into that. Last question.
[ hands are raised, Russell Putnam squeezes to the front holding out a mini-tape recorder ]
Russell Putnam: Excuse me, sir! But, is it the truth, that the government has a huge field of high potency pot that they grow just for the President and Congress?
Mayor: [ laughing ] What! Who are you?
Russell Putnam: Russell Putnam, investigatve reporter, High Times Magazine.
Mayor: Well, Mr. Putnam, I can assure you there’s no such thing.
[ other reporters laugh with the Mayor ]
Aide: That’s all the time we have, thank you so much.
[ reporters make their exits ]
Mayor: Who was that guy?
Aide: Putnam. He’s a reporter.
Mayor: [ tone changes ] He’s getting too close to the truth!
[ dissolve to title card and opening action montage ]
Announcer: Russell Putnam, Investigative Reporter. Fighting for the decriminalization of hemp. Featuring stories ripped from the pages of High Times magazine. This program is written, directed and produced by the brave men and women of High Times magazine.
[ dissolve back to interior, Mayor’s office ]
[ over SUPER ] Tonight’s episode: “Ring Around The Rosy, Pocketful of Pot”
Mayor: What are, what are we, uh, gonna do about this Putnam fella?
Aide: He knows too much. He already knows about the huge field of pot we have, that’s only for the President and Congress.
Mayor: Mmm-hmm.
Aide: What do we do?
Mayor: Let’s get out our solid gold bongs and smoke some of that kind bud for ourselves! And let’s not be cool and share it with other people!
Aide: Right. Agreed.
[ they exit the office ]
[ a cloud of smoke pours from a cabinet, as Russell climbs out ]
Russell Putnam: Aha! I knew it! [ dials cell phone ] It’s Putnam. The bird is in the cage, No, not a real bird! Dude, that was the code we agreed on. Dude, never mind. Just assemble the staff, and meet me at Headquarters at 5:30.
[ Russell exits the office, then reappears to claim his huge bong from inside the cabinet, then exits again ]
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 7:20 PM, the High Times staff are controlling their munchies and smoking pot ]
Pothead #1: Didn’t Russell say we were supposed to meet him?
Pothead #2: At.. 4:20! [ laughs uproariously ]
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 9:38 PM, situation unchanged ]
[ Russell enters with a Tower Records bag and snacks from KFC ]
Russell Putnam: Hey. What’s up?
Pothead #3: Didn’t you say to meet us here?
Russell Putnam: No.. wait.. yes.. what did you say?
Pothead #3: Didn’t you call us?
Russell Putnam: Oh, yeah! Listen to this! [ places tape recorder on table, then presses a budon ] The Mayor admitted about the giant field of pot. And I’ve got it right here on this tape!
[ no sound comes from the tape ]
Pothead #4: Dude, there’s nothing coming out.
Russell Putnam: Oh, wait a second.. hang on. [ rewinds tape, then presses Play, only to hear the conversation he just accidentally recorded ] Dudes, this doesn’t change the fact that the secret Congressional field of pot exists! Now, listen up, I’ve got a plan..
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 11:44 PM, now covered in pot smoke ]
Pothead #3: Hey, didn’t you have a plan, like, four hours ago?
Russell Putnam: What?
Pothead #3: A plan!
Russell Putnam: Oh! Yeah! Here’s the plan!
[ dissolve to interior, Mayor’s office the next day ]
Mayor: [ on phone ] Of course, Mr. President! I know the whole country’s energy supply can run on hemp! That’s exactly why we can never allow that to happen! Yes. Oh, yes, of course. I’ll put him on the phone. [ hands phone to Aide ]
[ Russell and Pothead #3 sneak into the office ]
Aide: Hello. What’s that you say, Mr. President? You say that JFK was a cool bud-smoking dude who was killed by the CIA because he wanted to legalize hemp?
Mayor: You’re kidding!
[ Russell and Pothead #3 jump up ]
Russell Putnam: Aha! Caught you red-handed!!
Mayor: [ annoyed ] Caught doing what? You think anyone’s gonna believe you?! You’re from High Times magazine! The whole world thinks you’re just a bunch of stoners, so go ahead! Tell the whole world what you heard! [ turns to face camera ] No one’s ever gonna believe ’em. Right, America? [ laughs uproariously ]
[ dissolve to Russell typing at a typewriter ]
Russell Putnam V/O: In my heart, I knew he was right. [ coughs ] Wait, let me start over, I coughed. I’m trying to do this voiceover for the end of the show. No, I.. I don’t want a burrito? Wait, where you going? Gary’s? Okay, get me a chicken, but no beans. Dude, we’re out of time? Well, let’s just go with this voiceover, then..
Announcer: This has been “Russell Putnam: Investigative Reporter”.
A Message From the Vice-President of the United States
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Uhhh… hello, America. Once again, we find ourselves, uh.. at a very important juncture in American history. It is important that we as Americans are not lulled into a false sense of security. For a while it looked like we had this crisis licked, but now we find ourselves once again engaged in a deadly game. And I think you know what I’m talking about: Will David Letterman leave CBS?
[ clears throat ]
Folks, this is serious! I don’t know, maybe I’ve been locked away in a bunker with nothing but cyanide capsules and a TV set – I don’t know!! Maybe they don’t brief me about what’s going on any more, but my gut tells me this is the most important facing this country today. And what about Ted Koppel? Is Koppel done over at ABC? God, I feel sorry for ABC. Yeah, they were such a good network for a while, one of the Big Three. Now, they’re like the Enron of networks. And, believe me, I know a little something about Enron! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah! They were flying high. They had “Millionaire”, they had “Dharma & Greg”, they had Dennis Miller calling football games – oops! What happened? Didn’t work out, better fire someone! That’s how we do it in Washington. About the only thing they really had was Ted Koppel. Now they’ve got him pissed off, and I’ve seen Koppel when he gets pissed off, his head gets bigger. That’s right. It starts to show up in satellite imaging.
Of course, it’s got to hurt, picking up the New York Times, finding out you’re a dead man walking. Well, don’t sweat it, Ted, you’ll make it. I do. With this ticker, every day I’m a dead man walking. The only thing is, I know about it! [ laughs ] I find that so funny! Ah, but then they got that joker over at CBS, right? He’s making $30 million a year and he’s not happy! Why don’t you try sleeping in a hole under the Blue Ridge Mountains, with a couple of rats and a black-and-white TV, boy? As Vice-President of these United States, I’m gonna strongly suggest Letterman stay put. As for ABC, there’s been some talk about Conan, maybe Chris Rock or Jon Stewart. At least they’re not talking about that Craig Kilborn! That yahoo can’t even understand what he’s reading! [ peeved ] How does a guy who can’t read, with nothing but good looks and charm get to such a high position! [ realizes he just answered his own question ]
Look.. they’re throwing millions of dollars around, why don’t they just go with my favorite – the Dell Computer guy? Oh yeah, he’s young, he’s very charming, and I love it when he goes.. [ imitating ] “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” [ laughs ] I think I do that pretty good! Good God.. you know, I gotta get out more, I’ve been watching too much TV. Aren’t there real issues out there? Didn’t a bunch of people get laid off or something recently? Some new trade deal? Isn’t there a war? Won’t somebody please brief me on something?! I’m going nuts! What good am I gonna be then, five heart attacks a day and nuts? Next thing you know, I’ll be saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Female Guest…..Rachel Dratch Roger…..Seth Meyers Guy In Wig…..Will Ferrell Happy Birthday Singer…..Jack Black Druid Choir…..Ana Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph Witch…..Amy Poehler Wizard…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer: The following is a paid advertisement for Music International.
[ open on a birthday party between a few friends ]
Female Guest: Okay, time to blow out your candles.
Guests: [ singing ] Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to you..
Roger: You know what, um, let’s just not do this.
[ Guy In Wig enters scene ]
Guy In Wig: Does this look familiar? I’ll bet it does. There’s no quicker way to kill a party than singing that tired, old happy birthday song. [ disgusting noise ] It’s complicated, long, difficult to sing and impossible to remember. But it’s the only happy birthday song there is, right? Well, not any more. Because we here at Music International have finally come up with a birthday song that’s really something to sing about. It was written by a semi-professional singer/songwriter. Whose father owns our company and who recently spent a little time in the hospital for sniffing glue. Just watch how the new song can liven up even the worst birthday party.
Happy Birthday Singer: (Baroque) Birthday, birthday, birthday for you It’s hard to believe another year is through
(punk rock) Slipping though the leaps of time! Cosmic trav’ler with mirror eyes doth peer from between his mother’s thighs Blood slick and with purple skin The babe doth emerge from her vagina within While the mother screams like a witch Like a bitch! Happy birthday!
(spoken, baroque) Stare into the cold light of life. You will see it again. You WILL see it again
Druid Choir: And what is this cold dark world Upon whose shores I’m so rudely thust Love it. And doth the masked man delivers a smack Unkind! Unjust!?
Happy Birthday Singer: Father, is that you? Though clouds of the dark mill flew It’s a boy. It’s a girl. It’s a soul, or is it? (maniacal laughter) (spoken) Mother is that you? It’s my birthday!
Witch: (evil laughter) I have a secret for your ear, not your eye. The moment you are born you begin to die.
Happy Birthday Singer: Crone, begone!
Witch: Away! Fulfill your destiny. Unwind the clock. Happy Birthday! AAAAHHH!!
Happy Birthday Singer: Thou knowest me not! With this sword, I claim thee into the world Through the stormy deep the babe is hurled! Tretreh Gramerton!!
Happy Birthday Singer: Oh, Braxis. Oh, Braxis I give myself to thee! (baroque) NOOOO! Why this shattered life?! Why was I born a woman?! Hideous vision, what wouldst thou with me?
Wizard: Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Singer: Weary traveller who are you?
Wizard: I’m Eternity!
Happy Birthday Singer: Wiltst thou let me pass on this journey?
Wizard: (punk rock) If you answer me this riddle Than Ascott’s treasure shall be thine In the name of Thor! Who is your father? Who is your father? What is the answer? Mortal, speak! Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Singer: No, can it be? The answer that you seek is.. It’s me! It’s me! It’s me! Happy birthday!
(falcon sceeches, music ends)
Female Guest: Happy Birthday, Roger!
Roger: It sure is!
Guy In Wig: (still in Druid robe) It is now! Thanks to the new birthday song.
Happy Birthday Singer: Order now!
Announcer: (over commercial music) Order Music International’s New Birthday Song, and you will recieve: sheet music, Druids robes, nightmare trees, doctor’s mask, baby dolls, sword, clock of Eternity, witch hat and falcon puppet. Order Today.
Monica… Drew Barrymore Lelani… Maya Rudolph Toby… Will Ferrell Girl 1… Rachel Dratch Girl 2… Ana Gasteyer
Girl 1: That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I mean, the notion that Emma Bovery is in anyway a pre-cursor to ‘Fatal Attraction’ is just nihilistic at best.
Girl 2: Ai. If you would just take the time to read my essay, I think that you would find my point valid. Its entitled ‘Feminism and linguistic theory, a.k.a. That’s what she said’.
Girl 1: Nice, nice
(Girl 1 hands Girl 2 a large, thick hard back book)
Girl 1: Where did you have it bound?
Girl 2: Kinko’s.
Girl 1: Oh, sweet.
Toby: Is anybody sitting here (points to the empty chair next to Girl 2)
Girl 2: Uh, only my entire life, but I’ll move it.
(Girl 2 picks up a large pile of think books and puts them on the table)
Girl 1: (laughing) Good one.
Girl 2: Thanks.
Monica: (from on stage) Welcome to the hall ‘Latte Love’ art space slash coffee house.
Lelani: We are your entertainment for this evening, and we are
Monica and Lelani: Believe. (they begin singing)
I am my own book on women’s studies You should read between my lines And though I’m a book Judge me not by my cover Read between my lines Read me, re-read me, re-read me, re-read me, re-read me
(Toby throws a piece of scrunched up paper at the girls on stage)
Toby: You blow!!
Monica: (ignoring Toby) Thanks a lot everybody. I’m-a Monica.
Lelani: And I am Lelani.
Monica: So, I bet your all wondering how we met
Toby: NO!! (He throws more paper)
Lelani: Yeah, well we met right here at UC Santa Cruz, at a rally to save the silk worm. (Toby continues to throw more paper)
Monica: I’m telling you people, silk is murder.
Toby: (stops throwing) Is this the part where you start making out? I can’t believe you Monica.
Lelani: Ok, for those of you who don’t know, that’s Monica’s ex-boyfriend Toby. He comes to all of our shows.
Monica: He’s also living outside of our house in his dads Pontiac Aztec.
Toby: Monica, I love you. How could you leave me, I hate you!! (Throws more paper)
Girl 2: Tell us how you really feel.
Girl 1: (laughing) Nice.
Girl 2: Thanks.
Lelani: (to Monica) Look into my eyes. Find solace. Find it?
Monica: I do.
Lelani: Rise above it?
Monica: Yes.
(Toby is continually throwing paper and plastic cups at them, Lelani brushes the rubbish off of her guitar)
Lelani: Our next song is called ‘Feminine River’. 2, 3, 4… Lelani and Monica: (singing) You can’t stop this feminine river No man can stop, this red, red river
Monica: (singing) You can’t stop this feminine river Its tied to the moon and soaked up by my tampoon It’s who I am, its total power
Lelani: Oh, oh, ooohhh
Lelani and Monica: You can’t stop this feminine river, It flows and flows, this red, red–
Toby: You two are the crappiest lesbo singers I’ve ever heard. (continues throwing rubbish)
Monica: Thank you. Hey
Lelani: Thank you. Hey what?
Monica: Isn’t it funny how sometimes a great feeling just hits you, and you
Lelani: And you just wanna celebrate life with those you treasure the most.
(Monica and Lelani touch each others faces lovingly)
Toby: God Monica, what is happening to us? I wake up, and not only do you take the cat but you take the space eater, and then I find out your in love with a chick!!
Girl 1: And that’s that Mrs. Lincon, how did you enjoy the play?
Girl 2: (laughing) Nice.
Lelani: You know some people, Toby, can only express themselves with yelling and threats.
Monica: However, we choose to express ourselves
Monica and Lelani: Through music.
Monica: (angry) Stop whipping stuff at us!!
Lelani: Its alright, its ok. Are you alright?
Monica: Yeah, I’m ok. (Toby continues throwing)
Lelani: I’ll tell you what were going to do people. Instead of throwing cups, or watered up napkins, were gonna throw a song at you, and this one is one of our favourites. Lets do this.
Monica and Lelani: (singing) Our love is a loop weaving tapestry.
Lelani: I am the warp
Monica: You are the weft.
Monica and Lelani: Our love is a quilt–
Toby: Monica, I can’t take this anymore!! To quote one of your stupid songs, ‘I’m leaving home and moving back to Fontana’.
Monica: (suddenly shocked) Wait, what?
(Toby stops throwing and approaches Monica)
Toby: I won this thing out of a claw machine at Circle Cove (Hands Monica a teddy bear).
Monica: That’s sweet.
Toby: Have a good life (begins to leave).
Monica: Wait, wait, wait. Toby don’t go. I’d die if you weren’t at our shows.
Toby: You still my sugar bear?
Monica: Yes.
Toby: I love you.
Monica: I love you.
(They begin to make-out in front of a shocked Lelani)
Lelani: What’s happening? Well, I guess we should take a 10 minute break while I begin to piece my life back together.
Girl 1: Boy, I’m a sucker for a good Deus Ex Machina.
Girl 2: Jerry Springer called, he wants his denouement back.
Girl 1: (laughing) Good one (Girl 1 and 2 high five)
(Lelani begins to cry and sing while Toby and Monica continue to make-out in front of her)
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.
This week, Chelsea Clinton was spotted at a Donatella Versace party dancing provocatively with her boyfirend, Iam Clout. Not to be outdone, the Bush daughters have set up a meth lab.
In the current issue of Sports Illustrated, former NBA star Charles Barkley called golf “the most racist sport in the world.” Really, Charles? More racist than Klanball?
When Stevie Wonder took the stage at the Presidential Gala last Sunday, President Bush waved to him. Realizing his faux pas, an embarrassed Bush turned to his wife, Laura, and said, “Oh my God, do you think he saw that?”
It was announced this week that Mike Myers will star in a live version of Dr. Seuss’ “The Cat In The Hat”. While Woody Allen has just agreed to star in the film version of “Hop on Pop”.
A man in Coopville, Washington, this week won $50 for eating 80 steamed mussels in one minute. While another Washington man won $50 for eating 77 smelts in one minute. In a related story, Anna Nicole Smith won $88.6 million for gnawing on a shriveled old hot dog for two years.
Tina Fey: This week, ABC cancelled their game show “The Chair”, hosted by John McEnroe. Here now, weith a Terrible Re-Enactment of McEnroe’s response, is our own Chris Kattan.
[ Chris Kattan enters dressed as McEnroe when he was a tennis player ]
Chris Kattan: [ sighs ] What?! You can’t be serious!! Are you blind?! That shot was perfect!! It was right on the line!! [ he swings his tennis racquet and falls to the floor ]
Tina Fey: Thanks, Chris.
Jimmy Fallon: That’s horrible.
Tina Fey: A terrible re-enactment.
Theresa Castro, one of the co-founders of the Castro Convertible Sofabed Compnay, died this week at the age of 85. Castro would have died in her sleep, had not the hard metal bar from her foldout bed been digging in her back.
According to the National Coalition for the Homeless, the least hospitable cities for the homeless are New York, Atlanta and San Francisco. While the most hospitable city for the homeless is Caldwell, Idaho. Got that, homeless people? You want to start making your way to Caldwell, Idaho!
This weekend, millions of UFO enthusiasts are heading to Nevada for the 11th Annual International UFO Convention. Or as Nevada prostitutes refer to it: The slowest weekend of the year.
A new web site started last year gives married couples in four states the option of divorcing online. For an extra $5, they’ll even send an e-mail to your children telling them it’s not their fault.
Jimmy Fallon: This weekend, a tree frog.. [ buckles over ] Ooh, leg cramp.
Tina Fey: What is it?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I got a leg cramp, I can’t finish the joke.
Tina Fey: Oh, okay. [ looks offscreen ] Stewart, you’re in for Fallon!
[ Jon Stewart runs in excitedly ]
Jon Stewart: Oh man, this is it, I can’t believe this! Tina Fey! Oh, my God! Big time! Little Johnny Stewart, on network! Here we go, big shot. Okay, this ain’t cable, baby. Screw this up, you’re gone. Oh, God! This week! A tree frog –
Jimmy Fallon: [ re-enters ] Hey, I’m back.. I’m feeling a lot better..
Tina Fey: Oh, great. Thanks, Jon, we don’t need you, Jimmy’s alright. We got it.
Jon Stewart: [ heartbroken and stunned ] Can I.. keep the pencil..?
Tina Fey: Yeah, sure.
Jimmy Fallon: [ takes the pencil from Jon as he stands up ] Say, I’m gonna need that.
Jon Stewart: Oh, okay..
[ Jon stands catatonic behind Jimmy and Tina, his eyes on Jimmy’s pencil. Jimmy finally offers the pencil to Jon to get rid of him. Jon grabs the pencil and runs off stage. ]
Edmar Fretok, a Brazilian weight-training instructor broke a world record by doing 111,000 sit-ups in 24 hours. Fretok also set the 24-hour record for most accidental farts.
As an answer to Ken and Barbie, an Iranian dollmaker has created the Middle Eastern equivalent, called Darha and Sara. The dolls are so realistic, that if you remove Sara’s traditional clothing, Darha stones her.
Tina Fey: Spring Break is on the horizon. A time for fun, but possible danger as well. Here now, with tips for a safer Spring Break, is our own Drunk Girl.
Drunk Girl: [ laughing coyingly ] Shut up! [ laughs ] I’m totally going no Spring Break this year! I’ve been going to Spring Break since I was.. twelve. So, I know what guys like, and I know what they want! [ laughs ] And I’ll tell you what, girls.. you can’t wait.. ’cause he doesn’t need you.. He could be able to wait.. ’til midnight! [ laughs ] Guess what! Guess what! I got a tattoo! Do you wanna know where it is?
Tina Fey: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know where it is!
Tina Fey: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanno where it is! Do you wanno whe-i-is!
Tina Fey: No.
Drunk Girl: [ pulls her shirt down to reveal tattoo above breast ] It’s right here! [ laughs ] A ltitle butterfly.. And he’s flying! [ laughing ]
Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, don’t you think you’re setting a bad example?
Drunk Girl: I’m tough, okay! I take cardio-boxing.
Tina Fey: Okay, that’s what I’m talking about, self-defense –
Drunk Girl: Yeah, I’ll show you! Come at me! Come at me like you’re pissed!
Tina Fey: No, I’m not gonna come at you.
Drunk Girl: Come on, come on, come on..
Tina Fey: Okay. [ cautiously, she taps Drunk Girl lightly on the cheek ]
Drunk Girl: Come on!
Tina Fey: I did, I did already, I hit you in the face. [ slaps Drunk Girl lightly in the face ]
Drunk Girl: [ suddenly weeping ] Why did you hit me..?
Tina Fey: [ comforting Drunk Girl ] I’m sorry..
Drunk Girl: I told you to “come at me..”
Tina Fey: I’m sorry, Drunk Girl. I didn’t mean it.
Drunk Girl: I’m okay.. I just got scared.
Tina Fey: Aw, you’ll be okay.. you’ll be okay.
Drunk Girl: You’re so kind and good to me, Tina..
Tina Fey: Oh, well, thank you, Drunk Girl.
Drunk Girl: Have you.. have you ever kissed a girl?
Tina Fey: [ stern ] No. No. No.
Drunk Girl: You thought about it, though, right?
Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, let’s not go into this.. [ Drunk Girl moves in with an open mouth, trying to kiss Tina ] Drunk Girl, no. No! Not like this.
Drunk Girl: What?! Where am I!! What’s going on!! Oh, my God.. [ breathes heavily to collect herself ] Do you wanna see my other tattoo! [ starts to lift up her skirt ]
Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
“I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Before the guard got back, I had to somehow convince the monkey to get the keys and open the cell door, then cut the ropes on my hands, then make me a nice breakfast.
Narrator…..Darrell Hammond
Garkenlot…..Jack Black
Sir Parrish…..Jimmy Fallon
Virgin…..Amy Poehler
…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: It’s time once again for “Tales of Valour”.
[ dissolve to Narrator sitting at a chair with a book in his hand ]
Narrator: Tonight’s Tale of Valour is entitled “The Song of Parrish”, and it deals with a kingdom under the spell of a horrible monster. Once a year, the people were forced to sacrifice a virgin of fair face and noble temperment to this foul beast. This year,however, was different, for the brave knight, Sir Parrish, had set out to rescue his true love, Maid Gwendolyn.
[ dissolve to the monster Gorkenlot salivating over the fresh, young virgin ]
Gorkenlot: Yes! Yeah!
[ Sir Parrish jumps into the scene ]
Sir Parrish: Unhand her, you foul beast!
Gorkenlot: Who dares challenge Garkenlot?
Sir Parrish: I am Parrish the Lionhearted, true love to the Maid Gwendolyn. [ holds up his mighty sword ] Release her at once, or suffer at the steel of my sword, which has been forged by the fires of Mount Thunder, and bequeathed to me by the –
[ Gorkenlot simply punches Sir Parrish in the face, knocking him to the ground ]
Sir Parrish: Dammit! you’re quick for a mosnter.
Gorkenlot: Any last words?
Sir Parrish: I’m sorry I have failed you, Gwendolyn.
Maid Gwendolyn: You have braved, and I will always love thee.
Sir Parrish: Of all the wanton women in the village, you stood above them as the purest.
Gorkenlot: [ sidetracked by this illicit information ] Wait, wait – there’s a lot of women in your village.
Sir Parrish: Yes.
Gorkenlot: Maybe we can strike a little bargain here.
Sir Parrish: I might be willing to listen to something.
Gorkenlot: I’ll let you live, and you can take the virgin with you. But you have to bring me back a slutty girl.
Sir Parrish: [ confused and outraged ] What?!
Gorkenlot: You know, like a bored housewife who’s kind of hot and feels neglected by her husband.
Sir Parrish: But you don’t want a virgin?
Gorkenlot: I’ll be honest with you, buddy – on paper, a virgin sounds great. But in reality, not that good.
Sir Parrish: But I thought even a monster would dsire someone who was pure.
Gorkenlot: I’m just looking for a woman who knows what she’s doing.
Maid Gwendolyn: There’s nothing to be prized above purity.
Sir Parrish: I cherish your purity.
Gorkenlot: Yeah. Come talk to me after your wedding night. Tell me how great it was.
Sir Parrish: So you want a slutty girl?
Gorkenlot: Absolutely! Now, come on, let me think.. I like dark hair, what else? I don’t want a skinny girl, either. I like a little junk in the trunk!
Sir Parrish: So you want a big girl?
Gorkenlot: No, no, no! I don’t want a hog! But, you know, a few extra pounds are okay. Let’s face it – bones are for dogs!
Sir Parrish: Okay!
Gorkenlot: Maybe a lady in her 40’s, who might be a little more sexually adventurous!
Sir Parrish: So virgins aren’t adventurous?
Gorkenlot: Again – talk to me after your wedding night.
Maid Gwendolyn: Listen. I can be adventurous. I-I-I once French-kissed a boy for ten seconds!
Gorkenlot: She’s a real hell cat!
Maid Gwendolyn: After we’re married, I might leave the lights on while we do it!
Sir Parrish: [ alarmed ] Ouch! I see what you mean.
Gorkenlot: And good luck getting her to go down south!
Sir Parrish: Really?
Gorkenlot: And if you do talk them into it, they think it’s a chew toy! Ah!
Sir Parrish: Is that why you let last year’s sacrifice go free?
Gorkenlot: No! She was thirteen! I’m a monster, but that’s sick!
Sir Parrish: I didn’t know it was so tough being a monster.
Gorkenlot: Well, it is! I don’t want to be a monster. I don’t want to hurt your village. All I’ve ever wanted.. is to be loved.
Sir Parrish: I think I understand. A witch turned you into a monster, and you have to get a woman to fall in love with you before you can turn back into a prince.
Gorkenlot: Hey, if that’ll get a nasty broad up here, sure I’ll go with it! So go untie your lady, get out of here!
Maid Gwendolyn: You know, I can be wild – I own a black bra.
Sir Parrish: [ unties Gwendolyn ] Hey, I was thinking.. maybe we should give each other space..
Maid Gwendolyn: [ confused ] What?
Gorkenlot: Hey, hurry back now – with the slutty girl!
Sir Parrish: [ laughing ] I promise, Gorkenlot!
Gorkenlot: Hey! If you’re not back by Friday, I’m gonna kill your whole family!
[ dissolve back to Narrator, his nose buried in his book ]
Narrator: And Sir Parrish kept his word, and brought the monster a slutty older woman. She kind of looked like Melanie Griffith with dark hair. And there’s pictures in this book of them doing it! But, because this is TV, I can’t show them to you. But, take it from me, a conneiseur of porn, they look so great. Daddy like! D-yamn! I gotta show this book to Tracy. [ looks offstage ] Hey, Tracy! Check this out!
[ Tracy Morgan enters stage and looks over Narrator’s shoulder at the book ]
Tracy Morgan: Oh, snap! That monster’s bonin’ that lady! That’s hilarious!
