Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Jack Black: This has been a dream of mine for a long time, people. And I’ve been watching this show since I was about twelve years old, and.. God, I can’t even explain it in words, it’s just like.. I don’t know. Some of you may know that I’m sort of a music dude. And I’ve prepared a song that I think best expresses my feelings about this unbelievable experience.
[ grabs his guitar and sits at op a stool ]
“Feels like a dream like some delicious fantasy. Seems to me it can’t be real, but it is.
A beam of light shining down and engulfing me on the stage. For the first time in my life, I can see that the lucky one is not me, but you because you get to see me!
The most talented man that the world has ever seen! It’s me! Like a cross between a lightning bolt and James Dean! I only wish that I was you looking at me!“
[ soliquey ] I mean, wow! This is where Eddie Murphy worked. This is where John Belushi and Gilda Radner stood – right up here. And now I’m here!
“And I’m-a blowing them off the stage with my intensity! Erasing their memory from the annals of history! Changing the way that historians think about comedy! Come on now, Cage, twin tin flute solo, come on!”
[ comes out for his twin tin flute solo ]
We’ve got a really grat show tonight – The Strokes are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ open on hands holding the “Wake Up Wakefield” sign ]
Megan V/O: Welcome to “Wake Up Wakefield”, taped in front of a live audience at Jenna Jenaya’s slumber party.
[ sign is lowered, revealing Megan, Sheldon and other girls at slubmer party, in pajamas and sleeping bags ]
Megan: Well, it’s 10:55 P.M., and if you are watching this, it means that you stole the tape from this slumber party. Give it back. I’m your host, Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hey.
Megan: Well, we’re on location tonight, in Jenna Jenaya’s basement, because: 1. I know her from church; and 2. she lives next door to one Mr. Randy Goldman. And although I have not seen him this evening, I did get my picture taken with his dog.
Sheldon: Uh.. as you can see, we’re doing a kind of town meeting quorum tonight. Um.. let’s open it up with some questions.
Amy: Yeah, I have a question. Why is Jenna acting like she’s asleep? She’s so snotty!
Tina: She is so snotty!
Megan: Hey, come on, you guys..
Amy: She thinks she’s the only person who has ever had a broken wrist, like she invented it!
Emily: I heard Jenna was supposed to get her caps off already, but she kept it on because she’s milking it. [ laughs ]
Tina: She thinks she’s so cool!
Jenna: I can hear you guys, I’m not asleep! Thanks a lot, and for your information, I don’t think I’m cool, I just think I’m an interesting person!
Sheldon: You guys.. um.. sometimes people seem snotty, but they’re really just shy.
Amy: Uh.. shut up, Sheldon! Why is Sheldon ever here?! He’s a boy!
Tina: Yeah, is Sheldon staying all night?
Megan: Um.. Sheldon’s parents asked if he could stay overnight with me.. because they said they needed to “talk some stuff out.”
Sheldon: Yeah, it’s.. um.. it’s nothing to worry about..
Megan: Yeah.
Sheldon: So.. um.. five girls and one guy. [ laughs ] I’ve heard these situations can get.. pretty crazy! [ laughs ]
Amy: Oh, my God, you guys! Jenna’s sleeping bag smells like B.O.!
Jenna: I’m not asleep!!
Emily: You guys, I saw her take ecstasy in the bathroom.
Megan: Who needs ecstasy, when you live right next door to.. [ quiver in her voice ] ..Randy Goldman.
Tina: Only a slut would take ecstasy at her own sleepover.
Jenna: [ crying ] I can HEAR you!! It was Claritan!! I took a Claritan for my allergies!! Thanks a LOT, you guys!!
Sheldon: [ awkwardly ] Claritan is the poor man’s Zurtec.
Megan: Well.. now it’s time, again, for everyone’s favorite slubmer party game – Call Randy Goldman and Hang Up!
Emily: God.. all night..
[ Megan dials the phone; it rings; the girls shake ]
Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?
[ the girls try to stifle their excitement ]
Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?!
[ Megan quickly hangs up ]
Megan: That was awesome!
Sheldon: Um.. the next part of our show is the Daily Poll. Today’s poll question was submitted by Wmily. Oh, man.. okay. “Who at Wakefield Middle School would you like to make out with?”
Megan: I’ll go first. I would like to make out.. with Randy Goldman. I would kiss him, on his juicy lips, and smell his clean-boy smell. And he would be like, “Megan.. your eyes are so pretty!” I’d be like, “Wha-a-at? Awesome!” Then he would take me by the hand, and lead me gently into the A/V closet..
Amy: Oh, this is so boring! Let’s get back to lip-syncing!
[ puts music on ]
Jenna: You guys!! My dad’s gonna kill us!! Turn that off!!
[ music is turned off ]
Amy: Hey, you guys, I have a poll! How many people heard that Jenna put a frozen hot dog in her nooners!
Tina: I totally heard that, too!
Megan: I never heard that..
Emily: I heard that’s what she does when she’s on ecstasy!
Jenna: Oh, my God, you guys! That’s a lie! I did not put a hot dog in my nooners! [ cries ]
Sheldon: Uh.. uh.. I’m gonna go up to the kitchen and do my.. do my German homework.. I think.
Amy: Good, Sheldon! Why don’t you?!
[ the girls are startled when someone is heard knocking on the basement door ]
Voice of Randy Goldman: [ muffled ] It’s Randy Goldman!
[ the girls become ecstatic at the illicit late-night visit ]
Girls: Oh, my God!!
[ Randy is let inside the basement ]
Randy Goldman: Hey. you guys keep calling me? I have Caller I.D., you know.
[ Megan stands ]
Megan: Oh, my God! Hey, Randy, I didn’t even know you lived around here. Gosh.. well, I don’t care or anything, it’s just.. these pajamas are from Victoria’s Secrets, ’cause.. I don’t know.. I’m pretty grown up.
Jenna: Randy! What are you doing here?! This party is for girls only – and Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hey.
Amy: Hey, Randy! I have a dare for you! I dare you to tell us who you like!
Randy Goldman: Okay, that’s easy. There’s a special girl in this room who I’ve had a crush on for a very long time. I don’t give a crap any more, I’m just gonna tell her!
Megan: [ excited by the prospect ] Oh, my God..!
Randy Goldman: [ looks at Megan ] Megan?
Megan: [ perking up ] Yeah?
Randy Goldman: Move. [ Megan moves aside, Randy approaches Jenna ] Jenna? Will you be my girlfriend?
Jenna: Okay. Whatever.
[ Randy and Jenna make out ]
Megan: Well, that’s cool. Randy Goldman got my name right, for the first time ever. This is.. a pretty good party..
Tina: Hey, guys! Let’s all tickle Sheldon!
[ the girls all crowd around and tickle Sheldon ferociously ]
Megan: That’s all the time we have. I’d like to thank Jenna’s grandma for the fine camerawork.
Sheldon: [ trying to fend off the tickling ] Signing off, I am Sheldon.
Megan: [ whispering ] And I am still the future Mrs. Randy Goldman! Hold on to your dreams!
Kirsten Dunst: Thank you very very much! I am so happy to be here! I was actually here once before. When I was 6 I played one of George Bush’s granddaughters in a sketch with Dana Carvey, take a look.
(fades to the sketch)
President George Bush: Ya, ya like that. God bless everybody, I will see you in January. But until then from all of us…LIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!
(fades back to monologue)
Kirsten Dunst: Thank you, but that was a long time ago, Bush was president.
(Spiderman theme plays & Horatio Sanz is lowered from ceiling)
Horatio Sanz: It’s me the Amazing Spiderman. It sounded like you were having trouble with the monologue.
Kirsten Dunst: Actually, it was going good.
Horatio Sanz: Oh, I thought I smelled trouble.
Kirsten Dunst: Nope, it was goin’ good.
Horatio Sanz: Oh, ok sorry about that. Alright guys can you bring me back up? No? Ok, then can you lower me gently? No!? Ok, I guess I am here then.
Kirsten Dunst: Hey Spiderman, you look different.
Horatio Sanz: Uh yea, I was stung by a thousand bees, that’s why I’m all puffy. Not my thin handsome self.
Kirsten Dunst: Um Where in Manhattan do you get stung by a thousand bees?
Horatio Sanz: Uh, I was fighting “Bee Man!”
Kirsten Dunst: I’ve never even heard of “Bee Man.”
Horatio Sanz: Luckily you never will because I beat him up bad. Hey guess what!?
Kirsten Dunst: What?
Horatio Sanz: I saved you again! I guess I deserve a kiss.
Kirsten Dunst: Yea, I guess so.
(Horatio makes moaning noises)
Kirsten Dunst: Are you spider senses tingling?
Horatio Sanz: Ugh, I am getting nauseous. All right, I am gonna need some help! I think I am going to puke! Help me down!
Kirsten Dunst: Spiderman are you ok?
Horatio Sanz: Yea, that was close.
Kirsten Dunst: I know.
Horatio Sanz: I feel a lot better (leans in to try to kiss Kirsten). Uh no I don’t! I am gonna blow chunks! Guys hurry up!
(Making vomiting noises into trashcan)
Horatio Sanz: Ok, I’m better. Hey kiss me I’m Spiderman!
Kirsten Dunst: Eeww! No you just puked!
Horatio Sanz: Aww, C’mon I’m Spiderman! I saved your life!
Kirsten Dunst: No you’re not Spiderman.
Horatio Sanz: You’re right I’m not. It’s me Horatio. I was just pretending to be Spiderman. I’m sorry. I feel like an idiot. I bought this outfit in Times Square, I got some guys from the crew to hook me up with these wires, because I wanted to impress you. All I did was end up making a fool out of myself.
Kirsten Dunst: Wait! You did all of that for me? That’s very sweet.
(Kisses Horatio on the cheek)
Horatio Sanz: Hey Maybe we can hang out after the show.
Kirsten Dunst: Meh, don’t even think about it. Ok we’ve got a great show for you tonight, Eminem is here so stick around a
Jarret: Whats up everybody! Its me, Jarret, coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Well, I know that the school years almost over, and I know a lot of people thought I couldnt do it, but after four years of hard work, Im finally gonna be a sophomore next year! Anyway, its time for me to introduce our house band. Hes kind of bummed right now because he already packed up all his records, but hes doing the best he can. Give it up for DJ Jonathan Finestein!
Jonathan Feinstein: Selector! (He plays Peter Sataras I Am the Man, and fiddles with the tape machine, making it sound like a scratching record)
Jarret: Dude, is that Peter Satara?
Jonathan Feinstein: (in a British accent) Yeah, me parents already boxed up me decks in their motorcar for the drive back to me home in Elizabeth.
Jarret: And wheres that?
Jonathan Feinstein: New Jersey.
Jarret: Right. Dude, that song is so lame!
Jonathan Feinstein: (Talking in his original voice) Yeah, well its the only cassette I have Karate Kid 2 Soundtrack. (Switching back to his fake accent) But listen, ear this!
(Plays the tape again)
Jarret: Also joining us is my best friend and roommate, please welcome Gobi!
(Gobi enters with a bong, singing in tune to Star Wars music)
Gobi: Bong bong bong bong-ba bong bong-ba bong! Bong bong bong bong-ba bong bong bong! Episode Dope Attack of the Bones! (He laughs, then hurls his bong around like a Light Sabre and makes sound effects)
Jarret: Whats up Gob? Hey, you ready for your last final?
Gobi: I dont think so, man! Believe it or not, I had this dream that I woke up late for my exam. And when I got there, I didnt know any of the answers, and I thought I was naked!
Jarret: Dude, you gotta know that wasnt a dream.
Gobi: What are you talkin about?
Jarret: You were naked! You stuck your rod in one of Mike Yangs test tubes and then passed out on the floor!
Gobi: (laughing hysterically) Yeah Right! Ha Ha ha! Whoa .oh boy! (reaches in his pants)
Jarret: Wait what are you doing, man?
Gobi: (pulling out a test tube) Dude! (laughs)
Jarret: Thats a skinny test tube! (laughs)
Gobi: Pretty long though, eh?
Jarret: Alright, you may know our next guest as a poser and a rip off artist. She has her own web cam show which Id like to point out started off only ten months and six days after mine did. Im not saying shes coping me, but hey, Ill let you be the judge. Check it out. (types on his keyboard)
(Cut to Janets Room footage)
Janet: Whats up everybody, its me Janet, coming to you live from Lima Hall at Hampshire College! Weve got a great show for you today, please welcome by best friend and room mate, Mav.
(Mav enters)
Mav: E T smoke Weed! (both begin laughing hysterically)
(Clip ends)
Jarret: I dont get it.
Gobi: That wasnt funny.
Jarret: Who would watch that? Anyway, here she is, please welcome my arch enemy, my nemesis, the Khan to my Kirk, Janet.
(Janet and Mav enter, accompanied by the sounds of Jonathans tape)
Janet: Hey Jarret.
Jarret: Hey Janet. So, why are you coping me?
Janet: Whatever, Jarret! Like, you invented the idea of having your own web show!
Jarret: Whatever? You stole our whole format! You even stole Gobi!
Gobi: (looking at Mav) Dude, this is freaking me out! Its like Im looking in a mirror! (Gobi and Mav gaze at each other with their palms touching) Whoa!!! (Both characters laugh) Thats weird!
Janet: Look, the only reason Im coming on your stupid show is to preview a segment were going to be doing on our next show next week. Its called Best Excuses for Missing a Final Exam!
Jarret: Thats funny, cause thats the same bit we were going to do!
Janet: Whatever.
Jarret: Yeah. Reason number one The Old Fake Grandmother bit, it never fails. By my count Ive had eight grandmothers and ten grandfathers.
Janet: Number Two – A sure-fire way to get yourself out of any exam is to stand up in front of the class and loudly ask if the professor meant it when he said he had a guaranteed A in his pants. That ones for the ladies (Mav and Janet laugh)
Gobi: Yeah!
Jarret: Actually, that one works for dudes, too.
Gobi: Hey man, Im sorry about your eight grandmas they were some cool ladies.
Jarret: Reason number three Convince them youve gone completely insane. One time I wrote one of my papers in fake blood on a Burger King place mat. Not only did I get to miss the exam, but I got to spend a whole month in the hospital!
Janet: Oh my god, that ones my favorite! One time, I wore a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on my head for a week, and they let me miss all my exams!
Jarret: A Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on your head? Thats brilliant (He gazes into her eyes)
Janet: So elegant (She returns his gaze)
Jarret: So pure
Jarret & Janet: Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket
(They begin to make out, but Jarret stops her)
Jarret: Oh my god! When I graduated high school, I said Id make out with a girl by the end of my freshman year. Well, it took me four years, but I did it! (to Janet) Hey, you wanna go listen to the new Phish record and make out?
Janet: Okay!
Jarret: Gobi, end the show. So long! (he exits with Janet)
Gobi: Yeah, more like so bong!
(Gobi and Mav begin laughing hysterically)
Mav: Oh my god! Oh my god! You like to take things people say and change the words to make them about drugs!
Gobi: Yeah, yeah!
(they lean towards each other and are about to kiss, but Gobi stops them)
Announcer: You are watching channel 114, Turkish State Supported Television.
[A fat TV host with gold chains, uni brow, smoking in a crappy polyester suit appears]
Ferey Mühtar: Hello! I’m Ferey Mühtar! I am resident of Ankara Turkey! We’re going to talk about what is up in the world and the politics on the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Hey man! Welcome to my show!
[Montage of Ferey smoking and laughing on the streets of Turkey]
Tarik Ozekial: Hey! Come on! It’s the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Tonight Ferey’s guests, from Krasko Street, is Halash! And musical guest, Kron! And me, Tarik Ozekial. Hey, listen up! Here he is. The only man in Turkey who is jive-turkey! Its Ferey Mühtar!
[Ferey comes out happy as hell]
Ferey Mühtar: All right! Ok! Hey, how’s everybody doing, eh?! Ahh, that’s good by me! Everybody! Ok, come on! Let’s see what’s in the news. Lots of crazy stuff. Uh-oh! Britney and Justin breaking up! Oooh, that is a bad scene! Bad scene! That is bull-jive! I tell you what Britney, “you’re not a girl, not yet a Halaka shakaika! [laughs hard] Am I right or what?! Anyway, what else? Oh, the middle east. Woo! Crazy man!
Tarik Ozekial: Crazy.
Ferey Mühtar: Crazy down there.
Tarik Ozekial: Crazy.
Ferey Mühtar: Everybody down there should do me a favor. Take a chill pill bro-bro! Take it down a notch! Uh, ok! Everybody! Be cool! Ok! Say hello to my main man, my bro-bro and now for the main man, Tarik Ozekial! Come on!
[Turkish music plays]
[Tarik wears a white crappy suit, big mustache, smoking]
Tarik Ozekial: Hey! No way Jose! Keep on trucking!
Ferey Mühtar: Keep on trucking! Jive turkey! I love you! Let’s get down to business bro! Yes! Yes! Yallah!
Tarik Ozekial: Yallah!!!
Ferey Mühtar: My first guest will never jive me bro! Everybody knows this guy, man! He is famous for running the nightclub Krasko Street. It is the hottest discoteque in western Turkey. Give it up everybody! Come on! Come on! Halash!!!
[Halash is a sleazy looking, gold chain wearing dude, button shirt open, grabs his crotch a couple of times. Shakes hands with Ferey and Tarik and sits down]
Tarik Ozekial: Boy! This guy is number one by me! Believe me! He is dynamite!
[Halash clears throat and spits disgustingly in an ashtray]
Ferey Mühtar: So good to have you here, brother. Halash! Tell me, man. Krasko Street. Obviously hot club! Hot club! Club is the bomb! Bomb! So, what is up my bro-bro? My sugar friend, what are people talking about?
[Darrell’s mustache is coming off]
Halash: I tell you, I got my club, everybody is talking about this malakania. You’ve been to my club, have you Tarik?
Tarik Ozekial: Me come to your club? Don’t give me that sock job, man! No, no, no ,no, no, no. [Ian pastes the mustache on Darrell’s upper lip, Darrell is about to crack up laughing] Don’t jive me, you know how it was.
Halash: What is this bull?
Tarik Ozekial: Well, last night I go to Krasko Street with friends. Being treated like king Harald. I am outside left holding cards. [cracks up laughing] I’m holding cards.
Halash: Carts?
Tarik Ozekial: Don’t you see how you make me feel like an Arab?
Halash: But come on! You know you get into my club anytime you want. You just say “Hey Halash! Eh? Let me into your club” But this time you’re all messed up. You have too much raki.
Tarik Ozekial: No! No! I have two drinks Ferey! Ferey! I have two raki!
Ferey Mühtar: Come on, mook! Don’t bull jive me, man! We all know you have drinking problem. Come on, look at that, look- you got the fake ‘stache man! You can’t even grow the ‘stache, man![Darrell cracks up laughing, fights hard to contain the laughs] He goes to Halash to get the fake ‘stache man! That’s bull-jive! Bull-jive, man!
Tarik Ozekial: All right, all right, all right.
Ferey Mühtar: We got a job to do, bro! Let’s do this show! [kisses his ring, pumps fist up]
Tarik Ozekial: Ok.
Ferey Mühtar: Come on!
Tarik Ozekial: Ok, ok, ok. We cool. I’m sorry.
Ferey Mühtar: Good, holy moly! Ok.
Halash: On with the show.
Ferey Mühtar: Before we get into politics, yes my friend, tell the people about Krasko Street. You got, what? Three dance floors in that mo-fo?!
Halash: Oh, my God, its like crazy man. We got 3 dance floors, we got 2 bars and all the girls, girls everywhere you know, I’m telling you, they’re beautiful, man. They got yellow hair, they’re clean, they wear Jordache jeans, their children wait outside. The whole thing is happening. This is not no bull-club.
Tarik Ozekial: I wish I could go to Krasko Street.
Ferey Mühtar: Oh, man.
Tarik Ozekial: I wish I could go inside there.
Halash: Ok, let me just say this. I always let you in my club. But you were wasted. You were throwing up on yourself. And you pulled a swordon my doorman. How is that a guy who is being cool? You come back you’re my main man. But you’re going to the bathroom on my face? I’m a professional.
Tarik Ozekial: Hey! Get off my bone with that already! You didn’t let me in the club, man! What more is there to say?
Ferey Mühtar: Hey! What more is there to say? I tell you what there is to say! I have a hackmakril! I don’t need to to drink more raki!!!! Lay off the hard stuff, man!
Tarik Ozekial: I try…
Ferey Mühtar: Chill out! Come on!
Tarik Ozekial: I’m trying to chill. Sometimes is very, very hard. [Darrell’s mustache has completely fallen off, hides his laughs]
Halash: Anyway, here is what is going on in politics….
[Turkish music]
Ferey Mühtar: Oh, no! What are you-oh my god! You are pulling my chain! Hey, man! I’m sorry Halash! This is jive! We are out of time. I apologize to Kron. We got to bump Kron. A great band. This is junk, man. Ok.
Tarik Ozekial: Bull-jive.
Ferey Mühtar: Very bull-jive, my friend. Pleasure to have you Halash. Ok, Halash! Everyone please go to Krasko Street hottest club in western Turkey. Later, my dudes!
[Turkish TV logo]
Announcer: This has been a Ferey Mühtar production.
Partygoer #6: Everyone! Turn off the music! Everyone! Please!
[ music is turned off ]
Partygoer #2: What is it, Pete?
Partygoer #7: The Northern Alliance! They’ve taken Kandahar!
[ crowd cheers ]
Partygoer #2: Wait! This is amazing! What about Tarin Kowt and Lashkar Gah?
Partygoer #6: No report. But who cares? Kandahar is taken!
Partygoer #5: Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! The Northern Alliance is made up of rough-fighting newsmen and tax chiefs! I mean, they’ve got them on the run now!
Partygoer #4: [ singing ] “That’s happy news No more bearded dudes Kandahar!”
Crowd: “Kandahar!”
Partygoer #5: [ singing ] “I’m telling you That’s no pretty suit Kandahar!”
Crowd: “Kandahar!”
Partygoer #5: Take a solo, Chet!
[ Chet gives a trumpet solo ]
Partygoer #7: [ singing ] “Forget my bike I’m gonna ride a trike Kandahar!”
Crowd: “Kandahar!”
Partygoer #1: [ singing ] “Who needs a suit I’m skinny dipping in Kandahar!”
Crowd: “Kandahar!”
Partygoer #8: [ singing ] “I’ve got a date With my future mate Kandahar!”
Crowd: “Kandahar!”
[ Black Man rushes into room, alarmed by the noise ]
Black Man: Guys, guys! Cool it! What’s going on here?
Partygoer #3: Didn’t you hear? We got Kandahar.
Black Man: Kandahar? Huh? [ music pots up, lights go low ] What’s that? A bag of beans. An old sock. Sand.. sifting through our hands. Oh, you foolish people, when will you learn? You cannot temper hot steel with lilacs and lilies. For you, the flames of war are but a magpie of sullen tar. But nay.. this war.. this festering agon which threatens the ages will not be won in Afghan cities. But in the very bosom of all man’s all too fettered being. So, rejoice not. ‘Tis but a pauper’s doorknob. This Kandahar.
[ music stops, lights go up ]
Partygoer #2: Wow. Wow. Hey, guys, I’ve gotta tell you, even though a lot of the words this wise man used are not real, he’s right. Just because some cities have been taken in Afghanistan, it doesn’t mean the war on terrorism is over. We can’t forget now is not the time to celebrate. We’ve got to show some patience.
Partygoer #6: [ rushes back in ] They’ve taken Jalalabad!
[ crowd cheers ]
Partygoer #2: [ singing ] “It’s over now I’m gonna have a cow Jalalabad!”
“I tried to explain to little Betsy how when horses get old, you have to take them out and shoot them. But then I thought, ‘Why not wait until she gets a horse?'”
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
In a dramatic turn of events, forces of the Northern Alliance this week took control of the Afghan cities of Mazar-i-Sharif, Kabul, Kunduz, Talakan and Herat. By the end of next week, the Pentagon expects the Taliban to have lost control of Jalalabad, Kandahar and their own bowels.
Now that the Taliban is gone, Afghani men are lining up at barber shops and shaving their beards off as a sign of freedom. Unfortunately, most of them are saying, “Make me look like A.J.”
A slew of Harry Potter tie-in merchandise arrives in stores this week. One popular item is a laboratory set which lets kids create magic potions which mystically transforms any carpet into a stained carpet.
Britney Spears’ Nov. 18 live HBO concert will also air on the AmericanForces Network where she will interact with the soldiers via satellite.The soldiers will in turn interact with Britney, via masturbation.
Jimmy Fallon: Speaking of Britney, she’s on the cover of Rolling Stone this week. Can we look at this thing. [ show magazine cover ] Ga-ga-ga-goin! Holy God! Hey, that’s nice. You know, something looks weird there, I think that photo’s doctored. That’s not her cleavage. That’s my ass! [ picture is transformed ] A lot of peopel ask me, and, yes, I do have implants in my ass.
Tina Fey: The highly-anticipated “Harry Potter” opened last night, in a record number of theaters. We are lucky to be joined now, direct from Hogwart’s Academy, by the very famous wizard himself, Mr. Harry Potter!
Harry Potter: Hello, Tina. Hello, Jimmy.
Tina Fey: Hello, Harry. Now, Hogwart’s, as I understand, is a school for wizards and witches. So, would you mind showing us some of your magic and wizardry?
Harry Potter: Oh, not at all! This is a trick I learned from the esteemed Mrs. McGonigle. It’s called The Mummy’s Finger. [ holds up box with his thumb sticking through a hole ] Look! It’s alive! Only those who have mastered the dark arts can perform this feat of sorcery!
Tina Fey: Yeah, uh.. I think I saw my nephew do that at a birthday party once. Do you have anything else?
Harry Potter: Oh, yes! This is a feat I learned from the dasterdly Severous Snake! [ holds up pencil ] Now.. this appears to be an ordinary pencil, but in the hands of a Gryffindor Wizard.. [ shakes pencil to make it look like rubber ] ..it becomes a rubber pencil!
Tina Fey: That’s how you fought a three-headed dog? By going like this? [ shakes her pencil to make it look like rubber ]
Harry Potter: Oh, Tina! You are a wizard, too!
Tina Fey: No! I’m not a wizard! There’s got to be something else. How about something from the School of Clairvoyance?
Harry Potter: Oh, I’m glad you asked, Tina! Pick a number between 1 and 3.
Tina Fey: [ puzzled ] 2?
Harry Potter: Oh! I knew you would pick 2, Tina! Not bad, huh?
Tina Fey: It’s stupid! There’s only one number between 1 and 3! It’s terrible! Harry, these tricks are lame, are you okay?
Harry Potter: [ crying ] It shows, doesn’t it? I’m so tired, I can’t take it any more! I can’t hide it!
Tina Fey: Did he who cannot be named zap your energy?
Harry Potter: No! I’ve been on a press junket for 73 days! All I do is make appearances! Last week, I was supposed to study with Hermionie, but my agent made me go with Andy Dick to the Shakira record release party! My cellphone’s ringing off the hook, those quags at Warner Bros. are riding my ass, and I’m supposed to catch the Golden Snitch?!
Tina Fey: Harry, I’m sorry. We didn’t realize you were under so much pressure.
Harry Potter: Well, I am! 125 million kids have read my book! If the movie isn’t good, they’re going to rip me a new one that no magic wand can repair!
Tina Fey: Good luck. You want to do one more trick before you go?
Harry Potter: Yeah, here’s a trick! I’ll make myself disappear! Whoosh! Whoosh! Happy now, you bloodsuckers! Whoosh! Whoosh! [ exits desk area ]
Tina Fey: Harry Potter, everyone.
Researchers say that men with short legs have an increased risk of heart disease and a condition that could lead to diabetes. Will Charlie Brown never win? You blocked artery head!
After the Northern Alliance freed cities formerly under Taliban control, for the first time in more than two years, women took off their veils and walked freely in the streets. Those whores.
A man named Harley Utz died Monday at the age of 103, ending his 83-year-long marriage, the longest on record. On the upside, at last we can be together, Mrs. Utz!
An all-white fraternity at the University of Alabama has admitted a back member, becoming the first Greek organization to break the school’s color barrier. To the fraternity, we say kudos; and to the new African-American frat brother, we say.. [ whispering ] ..”Be careful. It might be a trap.”
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was televised Thursday night on ABC. Among the celebrities in attendance was billionaire Donald Trump checking out the new fall line of girlfriends.
The fashion show featured the heavenly star bra, which cost $2.5 million, with matching diamond-encrusted thong panties for $750,000. Thanks, Victoria’s Secret, but the only way I’m putting $750,000 worth of diamonds in my ass is if the Nazis are coming.
Finally tonight, in a small town in Germany this week, a man who was so drunk he couldn’t walk, was stopped by polie after borrowing his father’s electric wheelchair to go buy more liquor. He may be under arrest, but he still gets our “Winners Never Quit” award.
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
