Julia Stiles: It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is actually the 500th original episode of the show.
Tracy Morgan: [ walks onstage ] Hey-ey, Julia! Julia, I saw you in that movie!
Julia Stiles: Oh.. you mean, “Save The Last Dance”?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah! I thought you were wonderful in it.
Julia Stiles: Wow, Tracy, thanks!
Tracy Morgan: And the scene where you kissed that black dude? It was such a tender moment, man, I thought I was gonna cry.
Julia Stiles: That’s real nice.. that’s real nice..
Tracy Morgan: Yeah. So, after the show, I was thinking, if you hungry, we can go over to Twin Donuts, or we can just go over to your place.
Julia Stiles: Aren’t you married?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah. That’s why I said your place. [ looks at audience ] Hey, what are you people staring at! I don’t know what century y’all livin’ in, but a black man gettin’ together wit’ a white lady – this ain’t no show!
Julia Stiles: Tracy, this is a show. That’s the audience. They’re supposed to be staring at you.
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs ] That’s funny! Now, like I was sayin’.. I saw you makin’ out wit’ that black dude, and I just said, “Man, I got to git wit’ you, girl!”
Julia Stiles: Tracy, I was acting. It was a movie.
Tracy Morgan: Whoa, wait a minute! nobody can act that good, Boo! You know what people say: “Once you go black, you don’t never go back!”
Julia Stiles: Come on, Tracy, you’re smarter than that.
Tracy Morgan: No, I’m not! [ singing ] “You got jungle fever! You got jungle fever!”
Julia Stiles: Tracy.. “Jungle Fever”? That’s a horrible stereotype.
Tracy Morgan: I don’t mind that – or the one about us having long dongs.
Julia Stiles: Okay. That’s enough.
Tracy Morgan: [ sullen ] I guess you’re right. I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you save the last dance for me! [ to the band ] Hit it, Lenny! [ starts dancing ]
Julia Stiles: Okay, what are you doing?
Tracy Morgan: I’m gettin’ my dance on! I bet that guy Derek King do it like that, right?
Julia Stiles: Stop. This is never gonna work. I am a 19-year-old college student, and you are a 35-year-old man with five kids.
Tracy Morgan: Aaaaannndd?
Julia Stiles: My parents are watching. [ whispers ] I’ll meet you at Twin Donuts after the show..
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs ] I got it! Hit it, Lenny!
[ they dance together ]
Julia Stiles: We have a great show tonight, Aerosmith is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Announcer: Flight 39 to Minneapolis, now boarding, all passengers.
Tamilla: I can’t believe my giants are goin’ to the Super Bowl!
Jackie: I know baby, but against who? The Baltimore Ravens, puh-leese. I know my boy Jason Seahorn gon’ tear it up!
Tamilla: I’m telling you, and he is so fine!
Jackie: Mmm-hmm.
Tamilla: Mmm-hmm!
Passenger #1: You guys done? Can I go now?
Jackie: Not yet. You know, I hear that storm, they shut it down tonight. (searches Passenger #1 with scanner) A’ight, go. (Passenger #1 exits) Ne’t!
(Passenger #2 steps through metal detector, it beeps)
Tamilla: Excuse me, where do you think you’re going?
Passenger #2: Oh, I’m sorry umm
Jackie: (interrupting) Ma’am, I suggest you empty your pockets of all personal belongin’s into the tray, and then turn back around and walk to where you done came from, and then try comin’ through again.
Passenger #2: Oh, I I’m sure it’s just my watch not a big deal
Tamilla: Ma’m, the decency of your personal things are of no concern to us.
Jackie: Mmm-hmm. So why don’t place your tacky Burger King giveaway jewelry into the aforementioned tray?
Passenger #2: Burger King? This is a Rolex.
Jackie: Ma’m, why don’t you just empty it out, put it in the tray, turn yourself back around, and step on through?
Tamilla: Find it and remove it, step on back and scoot it.
Passenger #2: You know, is this really necessary? My plane is boarding right now.
Tamilla: You know, the FAA requires you to get to the airport at least two hours in advance.
Passenger #2: I did. I’ve been in line for forty five minutes.
(Passenger #2 puts watch in the tray and walks through the detector again, it beeps)
Tamilla: Body search!
Jackie: Mmm-hmm!
(Jackie and Tamilla search Passenger #2 with scanners)
Jackie: A’ight, you done!
Passenger #2: There! Are you happy now?
Jackie: Oh, I’m always happy.
(Passenger #2 exits, Passenger #3 walks through metal detector, it beeps)
Passenger #3: Dammit!
Jackie: Sir, I suggest you watch your language, you in mama’s kitchen now! Okay, here’s my gang plan, why don’t you just turn it back around, and walk to where you done came from?
Passenger #3: Alright, here it it’s just a little bit of change, alright, I’m going to put it in the tray, (puts it in the tray) then I’m going to go back through. Okay?
Jackie: Mmm-hmm.
(goes back through the detector, it beeps)
Passenger #3: Of course! Now what?
Jackie: Sir, perhaps I am speaking too quickly! I’m gon’ need you to empty the con-tents of your pocket into the tray!
Passenger #3: Okay, I did, there is nothing left in my pockets.
Tamilla: Sir, because of your learning disability, let me make this simple find it and remove it, step on back and scoot it!!
Jackie: You are not getting on that plane until you scoot it up and step it on through!!
(Passenger #3 goes back through the detector, it beeps)
Tamilla: Body search!
(Jackie and Tamilla search Passenger #3 with scanners)
Passenger #3: Look the detector is going off on everyone! Obviously there is something wrong with your machine!
Both Guards: Ohh right!
Tamilla: You know, put your feet out and your arms out to the side.
(The guards stop scanning him)
Passenger #3: See? There’s nothing.
Tamilla: You know, we need to step a security in for a more thorough check. Lamont!
Lamont: Come with me, sir.
Passenger #3: Look, I am not going to be searched by this man!
Lamont: That’s right! You’re gon’ be searched by this man!
(Another security guard appears, Passenger #3 exits with him)
(Doug steps through the detector)
Jackie: Uhh..sir, where do you think you are goin’?
Doug: I’m Doug Drabeck from Maintenance. They sent me to fix a broken metal detector, so I’ll just take a look.
Jackie: Sir, I’m gon’ need to ‘splain a lil’ somethin’ to ya. You gon’ need to empty out your pockets, and do the dance, just like everybody else.
Doug: You don’t understand. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just here to fix the detector.
Tamilla: That’s right, you’re not going anywhere!
Doug: Okay, look. I have to fix the panel on the detector, and I’m not going anywhere because I’m an employee.
Jackie: Okay, you want trouble, cuz we give you trouble! Tyrell!
Tyrell: What? What is it? Why is everybody lookin’ so tense?
Tamilla: He’s threatening us.
Doug: I’m the repair technician!
Tyrell: He says he’s a repair technician, y’all. Lemme see that ID. (Doug hands him his card) This ain’t you! This a different man! The man in this picture wearin’ a red shirt!
Doug: Oh, come on! Come on!
(Lenny Kravitz steps through the detector with his band)
Jackie: Excuse me! Excuse me!
Lenny Kravitz: Our flight’s about to leave, we have a concert in three hours.
Tyrell: Ooh, don’t I know you?
Tamilla: Mmm, I know who that is, that’s Lenny Kravitz!
Tyrell: No, no, that’s not it. D’your sister Bernice live in the projects?
Lenny Kravitz: I don’t have a sister named Bernice in any projects.
Jackie: Listen up bell bottoms, cuz here’s the drill. What I’m gon’ have you do, is you gon’ take those cute lil’ pockets, you gon’ empty ’em out, then you gon’ turn yourselves back around!
Pierce Brosnan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you! Now, most of you probably know me from my most famous role as Dr. Angelo from the movie “The Lawnmower Man.” I can’t even walk down the street without somebody saying: “Hey Dr. Angelo! How’s your lawnmower, man?” Well, it’s so annoying. There is of course, one other role for which I am known. (Band plays 007 theme) Ah yes! Ah yes! Music to my ears!
(Enter Sean Connery)
Sean Connery: That music’s not for you, laddie. That music is for me. Bond, James Bond.
Pierce Brosnan: Hi, Sean. How are you.
Sean Connery: Didn’t expect to see me now, laddie?
Pierce Brosnan: Actually, I did. You’ve been following me for three years.
Sean Connery: Well I’m only trying to help. You’re on live TV now, Remington Steele. You’re not on one of you cushy movie sets. There’s no stunt doubles here, none of your pedicures or hummingbird tongue canopies or calf-skin toilet paper. This is danger and you’re neck-deep in it, nancy boy.
Pierce Brosnan: What are you talking about? Are you threatening me somehow?
Sean Connery: Don’t get your panties in a bunch, missy! I just wanted to talk man to man, but apparently we’re missing half the equation.
Pierce Brosnan: Sean, if you have a problem with how I play James Bond, you should just tell me, okay?
Sean Connery: Well, I’ll tell you a story, a parable, if you will. It’s about a man, roughly your height and build, who thought a lot of himself until his teeth were knocked out by a baseball bat held by me. The end. (laughs)
Pierce Brosnan: Ok, now I’ll tell you a story. A fable, if you will. It’s about a man roughly my height and build, who was being annoyed by and 80 year old Scotsman, so he shoved him down a flight of stairs. The end!
Sean Connery: Whoa! Well you’re alright, laddie. I didn’t know you had it in you. From now on we’re a team. Let me put it another way: (Singing) “Wherever we go, Whatever we do…”
Pierce Brosnan: No! No singing.
Sean Connery: Fair enough. How ’bout we just meet after the show and kick the crap out of Timothy Dalton?
Pierce Brosnan: Sounds good to me! We have a great show! Destiny’s Child is here! Sean Connery is here! So stick around!
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
It was reported this week that during a conversation with friends, Bill Clinton complimented President Bush, calling him, “Far shrewder than many think, and a formidable politician.” Clinton then added, “But remember, I’m a liar.”
Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy Fallon: This week, the Pentagon banned the army from using Chinese made berets. In a more failed slap of the Chinese, the Pentagon also banned any alternative form of checkers.
Tina Fey: New York’s Taxi and Limousine Commission is looking to increase the fare from JFK airport into Manhatten from $30 to $35. However, for tourists who don’t speak English, the fare will remain $600.
Jimmy Fallon: The British army has allowed four female soldiers to get breast enlargements paid for by tax payers. It’s all part of the new policy implemented by the new head of the British Armed Forces, General Benjamin Hill.
Tina Fey: While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our Federal Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying, “Trust me, there’s enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life.”
Jimmy Fallon: While on a break taping the final Jeopardy episode of the season, host Alex Trebeck shaved off his trademark mustache, his trademark mustache of twenty years. Trebeck decided to make the change after last week’s Final Jeopardy answer, “This gay-looking know-it-all hosts Jeopardy.”
Tina Fey: Trebeck, he’s always re-inventing himself.
Jimmy Fallon: He’s like the Madonna of game show hosts.
Tina Fey: Yes.
As of Thursday, San Francisco has become the first US city to pay for sex change operations for municipal workers. Which may mean a cross-country move for this man: (show picture of Rudy Giuliani in makeup, blond woman’s wig, and flowered dress)
He loves drag, he loves to be in drag.
Jimmy Fallon: Pope John Paul II appealed to Vice-President Dick Cheney to spare Timothy McVeigh’s life. Reportedly, the Pope asked Cheney, “Is President Bush going ahead with the execution?” to which Cheney replied, “Are you Catholic?”
Tina Fey: The Arab gulf state of Bahrain is preventing single women from entering the country by refusing to give them visas. But I can tell you right now, treating single women like crap, will only make them like Bahrain more.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, we’ve all been very excited this week to have James Bond himself, Pierce Brosnan hosting the show. But no-one, and I mean no-one was more excited than our own Tracey Morgan.
(Enter Tracey Morgan, wearing a tuxedo)
Tracy Morgan: Thank you Jim. When I found out earlier today that James Bond was hosting the show, I had to ask him one question: When are you going to bounce and let a Brother be 007? I mean this is the year 2000, you know?
Jimmy Fallon: 2001, actually.
Tracy Morgan: Whatever. Check this out: Bond Lamont Bond.
Jimmy Fallon: Lamont Bond?
Tracy Morgan: Hey, I’m perfect for this role, man! As you can see, I’m styling like James Bond. I’ve also got a mussy-colored vest for car chases. And a red leather suit with Tweety Bird on the back-that’s for general elegance. I walk into some casino in Saint Monaco and step up to the Baccarat table and be like, “Put the tall on black.” (starts humming the tune to James Bond)
Jimmy Fallon: We get the idea. It’s the song, yeah we get the idea.
Tracy Morgan: I have to have my Bond girls, you know. L’il Kim, the beautiful Miss Beyonce Knowles, and my girl Star Jones, hahaha. You heard me baby! Lamont Bond is gonna be all up in your Lane Bryants! Hey! Dig it! Your Bond girl name’s gonna be “Back Door Galore!”
Jimmy Fallon: They can’t do that, they can’t do that.
Tracy Morgan: You know, I’ve got to have my spy gadgets. I already know a dude named Q, he live on my block, he gonna hook me up. Hey, check this out, Jim. (He takes out a pen) This looks like an ordinary pen right?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah?
Tracy Morgan: (Turns it upside-down) Turn it upside down, and the clothes come off, Jim! The clothes come off! (Starts humming a lewdy tune)
Jimmy Fallon: (Takes the pen away) Thanks a lot. That works.
Tracy Morgan: Now, there’s a couple of things that Lamont Bond is NOT gonna do. I’m not jumping out of no planes, hey, ’cause I’ve got a thing with heights. And I, I repeat, I do not swim! Okay? Hey, and you know what, I’m afraid of dogs! You tell them, no dogs, Jimmy! No dogs, dammit!
Jimmy Fallon: Alright, Lamont Bond everybody! Tracey Morgan!
(Tracey takes back the pen and starts humming a lewdy tune again.)
Tina Fey: Cannot swim. Does not swim.
At the twelfth Annual Glaad Media Awards for positive portrayal of gays and lesbians, Showtime’s Queerest Folk won for Best Drama and Will and Grace won for Best Comedy. So better luck next year to the zero other nominees.
Jimmy Fallon: Researchers have found that bottle-nosed dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out vampire dolphins.
Scientists believe that the dolphins’ ability to use a mirror gives them a distinct advantage over Christina Aguilera. (Show picture of Christina Augilera in her most tacky costume possible)
Tina Fey: Kim Jon Nam, the son of North Korea’s dictator Kim Jon Il, was detained in Japan after he posed as a Dominican Republic citizen in order to sneak into the country. His brilliant plan to pass himself off as Dominican fell apart when customs officials looked at him.
Jimmy Fallon: A study by the World Wildlife Fund reveals that bottled water is not any safer or healthier than tap water, just more expensive. The announcement has triggered residents of Beverly Hills to go out and buy thousands of bottles of tap water.
Marshall Mather, the father of rapper Eminem said this week that he wants to reunite with his son after 25 years. Eminem’s dad said he’s desperate to rebuild their relationship, and has left a checking account number where he can be reached.
Tina Fey: Supermodel Cindy Crawford is furiously denying Shaquille O’Neil’s claim that he and Crawford have had sex. Although it is a bit suspicious that Crawford was recently torn in half.
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Sully: Hey Tommy, got enough light? Focus it…Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, this is my girl here, Denise. I’m here in my basment in Lexington, Mass.
Denise: GO MINUTEMAN! GO MINUTEMAN!
Sully: This tape is our official submission to the producers of Survivor.
Denise: Yeah, please disregard the previous tape we sent to you. That was supposed to be for our own private use.
[they make out]
[Frank enters with an Easy Bake Oven]
Frank: Hey Sully! I found a Easy Bake Oven in a box of your old toys. You mind if I bake a tiny cake with it?
Sully: Knock yourself out, Frank
Frank: Awesome! [walks to table in the back of the room]
Denise: Alright, here’s why we are prime canidates to be on the next Survivor: I have the military knowledge of Rudy, a nicer rack than Colleen.
Sully: And I’m craftier than Richard Hatch.
Denise: You’re queerer
Sully: You are!
[they make out…]
[Bernadette Enters]
Bernadette: Ugh! Call animal control! There are two dogs humping in my room!
Sully: This part of the basement is public domain. Your room is in there with the water heater. [points to door]
Bernadette: Yeah, shut up butt-lick!
Sully: You shut up, ass face. [pushes Bernadette, she pushes back, and they run around the room pusing each other]
Denise: That’s Sully’s sista Bernadette. She’s back home livin in the basement cuz she failed out of cookin school.
Bernadette: I wanted to be a cake maker.
Sully: Yeah, and yet your dreams were crushed by your poor attendence and your inability to spell “Congratulations”.
Bernadette: [pushes Sully] Moron!
Sully: You are!
[Sully and Denise make out]
Bernadette: Hey, hey! Seriously guys, knock it off. I got somebody comin ova.
[Bernadette runs to her room]
Sully: [turning back to camera] You know, if I could live with this half-a-whore for 17 years, surely I could survive the harsh rigors of the Australian wilderness. The only thing I’d miss would be this Louisville Slugga [picks up baseball bat and shows camera] personally signed by Nomar Garciopara. NOMAR!! YEAH!!
Denise: I should be picked to be on Surviver cuz I’m very good at group dynamics. I grew up with NINE brothers and sisters. Donnie, Dorreen, Dotty, Davy Junior, Debbie, Dougie, Dennis, Donna and Jamal.
Sully: Guess which one’s got a different Dad!
Denise: You’re Retahded!
Sully: Prove it! [goes in to kiss her]
Denise: [pushes him away] Alright, in conclusion CBS, pick me! I’m wicked psyched to go down under!
Sully: Not often enough, trust me.
[Denise pushes Sully]
[Bernadette enters wearing short shorts and a leapord-print tube top]
Bernadette: I swear to God Sully, if you don’t get out of here I’ll put my foot so far up your ass you’ll be breathing like you smell like Reebocks!
Sully: Yeah, good comeback
[Frank gets up with his easy-bake oven]
Frank: I need a 15-watt lightbulb and some semi-sweet chocolate chips.
Sully: [annoyed] Upstairs.
Frank: AWESOME!! [goes upstairs]
Denise: Hey Bernedette, that tube top’s wicked nice.
Bernadette: Oh thanks. It’s a kinda tight…it’s supposed to be a headband.
[Tommy zooms in on her boobs, Sully puts hand over camera]
Sully: HEY! Watch it Tommy! Yeah, you are really whored-out. Even for you.
Bernadette: Well yeah cuz this guy’s comin ova. He’s wicked hot. We’re gonna watch Howard Stern and make out.
[someone knocks on the door]
Bernadette: Ooh! [runs upstairs to answer the door]
Sully: God! He’s not even gonna take you out to Papa Gino’s first? Pitiful! This guy must be a top-notch loser.
Denise: Yeah, seriously Bernadette, you gotta learn to respect yourself.
[Sully wiggles his fingers where Denises boobs are]
[Nomar Garciaparra enters]
Nomar: Hey Bernadette you look great!
Bernadette: Hi
Nomar: [waves to Sully and Denise] Hi, kids.
Sully & Denise: NNOOMMAAARR!!! [they make out]
[Sully and Denise jump off the couch]
Sully: NOMAR!! NOMAR!! AHH!!!! [freaks out]
Bernadette: What are you freaks doing?
Denise: Are you retahded? It’s Nomar Garciaparra!!
Sully: I can’t breathe!
Denise: Sully, don’t look directly at him! [Sully turns away] He’s got a heart murmur.
Sully: [turns back] Bernadette, for once, your slutty ways have brought honor to the Sullivan house.
Denise: Oh my Gawd, oh my Gawd! Will you autograph my boob? [pulls down shirt]
Nomar: OK. What’s your name? [gets pen from jacket]
Denise: Just make it out to Zazoo
Nomar: Alright
Denise: No, wait! [reaches down on the table and grabs a sharpie] Use a Sharpie!
[while Normar signs her boob Denise mouths “Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!”]
Sully: I will never pour beer on that boob again!
Nomar: Calm down, calm down! Listen, I’m not a superhero. I’m a person, just like you are. And you two can be as successful as I am, as long as you stay in school and follow your dreams.
Sully & Denise: [in awe] Seriously?
Nomar: Yeah, now get out of here, so I can make out with your sister.
Sully: Absolutely. It’s an honor to have you anywhere near my gene pool.
Bernadette: [To Sully and Denise] Hey, beat it! [to Normar] So, uh, you wanna drink? Beer, peach schnaps, tequiza?
Denise: Bernadette! Bernadette! You should totally try to get pregnant. You’d get a wicked cute baby, and a fat check every month!
Bernadette: All retards remove yourself!
Sully: But Nomar! I’ll have nothing to remember you by.
Nomar: I’ll give your sister a couple souvenier balls.
Sully: Tommy, PLEASE tell me you got that on tape?!?
[Tommy nods yes]
[Denise & Sully make out and Bernadette and Nomar make out]
From the makers of Gatorade comes the Gatorade Love Bucket.
[ show Bride and Groom having their pictures taken after wedding ]
Nothing says “I Love You” like a bucket of Gatorade.
[ Groom grabs a Gatorade Love Bucket and douses his Bride – she laughs ]
The Gatorade Love Bucket is one of the most cherished ways to say “I Love You.”
[ show Eldery Woman with walker approach huge birthday cake lined with candles. Her two Grandsons each pour a Gatorade Love Bucket over her head, smudging the cake. They high-five one another ]
The Gatorade Love Bucket. Go ahead, dunk one on somebody you love!
[ show Parents applauding Son’s play, as Teacher runs onstage and dumps a Gatorade Love Bucket over the kid’s head ]
Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for Wake Up Wakefield: fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.
Megan: It’s 10:55, we are live from the audio/visual department here in room 312, what’s up? I’m your host Megan and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hey.
Megan: Alright, first off, I wanna give a shoutout to Jazz Times Ten from the jazz club for playing our theme song. You guys are awesome!
Sheldon: Yeah, that’s my buddy Mike Dusette on tenor sax. [Mike waves.] You guys sound tight, you rock.
Megan: Yeah. Hey, speaking of rocking, you all should check out Mr. Thomas Eenie’s computer class. We’re doin’ Photoshop this week, and you can do some really awesome stuff.
Sheldon: Yeah, like putting Randy Goldman’s face on everything.
Megan: [Unzips shirt to reveal another shirt with Randy’s head with hearts around it on it] This is just an art project, but if a guy like Randy Goldman saw it, and wanted to make out with me, he totally could.
Alright, now it’s time for our first guest, you can currently see her in our spring production of the musical “Hair”.
Sheldon: People, you really need to see this. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
Megan: Hey Samantha what’s up? So, tell us and the audience about the play that you’re in.
Samantha: It’s all about the sixties, when no one could cut their hair because of Vietnam.
Sheldon: I’ve seen all the rehearsals, it’s really edgy. Edgy stuff.
Megan: Yeah. Oh, I forgot to mention, Sheldon is also the stage manager. Hey Shel, how do you have so much time, on top of all the AV work we do, the math league, and now this?
Sheldon: Things are weird at home.
Megan: Great. Alright, now, Samantha, this is a very controversial play. Can you tell us about that?
Samantha: Yeah. At one point, we pretend that we’re naked.
Megan: Naked, embarrassing. And awesome Randy Goldman what!?! So, okay, please explain the part that you’ll be playing.
Samantha: I play a hippie, asking for spare change, and I play a Vietcong soldier. Mr. Hasney actually had to move me to the back because he said that I’m stealing the show.
Megan: Cool. Well, hopefully we’ll be able to hear a song from that show before first period [Interrupted by Mr. Bangleon] Mr. Bangleon, we’re taping!
Mr. Bangleon: Oh-ho-ho, I didn’t realize. Sorry kids. So-ah, how’s the broadcast going?
Megan: It’s going really good.
Sheldon: As you know, this is Mr. Bangleon, seventh grade guidance counselor, out homie, and a man you can go to with your problems if you think your parents might be getting a divorce.
Mr. Bangleon: Kids, just remember, come by my office and get your new anti-smoking posters. They’re really cool this year, not like the ones that have the old lady with the hole in her neck. This one has the Olsen twins on it. It’s real, it’s real dope. Yeah, it’s real dope, you guys. Alright, I’m Mr. B, I’m fresh out.
[Exits by moonwalking.]
Megan: Later Mr. B
Sheldon: See ya, Mr. B.
Samantha: Bye.
Mr. Bangleon: Little moonwalk for ya, there.
Megan: Awesome
Samantha: Yeah, you’re really cool.
Megan: Wow. Well, I guess that brings us to school announcements. [band plays] Alright. Samantha’s gonna help us out today, it’s gonna be really awesome.
Samantha: Ok, girls, at 1:00, there will be a mandatory showing of the film “What’s Happening To My Body?” in the Cafetorium. Boys will have free play.
Sheldon: And if you wanna play Frisbee-football, sign up with Randy Goldman.
Megan: RANDY GOLDMAN! He’s awesome!
Sheldon: Okay. Um, one more announcement, um, there’s a really big problem of people pushing other people into their lockers when their not looking, um, especially when they really need to get to their bus so they can get over to their accelerated math classes at the high school.
Samantha: Yeah, you guys, that’s really not cool. Leave Sheldon alone, he’s tiny.
Megan: Yeah. Okay, now’s our portion of the show where we just kick back and have mad fun and our guest gets to pick what we do.
Samantha: I wanna play “Who Would You Rather Kiss?”
Megan & Sheldon: NO!
Megan: Okay.
Samantha: Who would you rather kiss Sheldon, or Randy Goldman?
Megan: That’s a no-brainer, my future husband, Randy.
Sheldon: I just saw him in the hall. He said he’s coming by to return the video camera he checked out.
Megan: [panicking] No way when did he say that did he ask about me when’s he coming here, that’s cool, I don’t care.
[Randy enters, Megan stands up.]
Randy Goldman: Hey Sheldon, what’s up? Brought that camera back.
Sheldon: Cool, dude.
Megan: [trying to look cool] Oh, hey Randy. I didn’t even see you there because I wasn’t looking or anything I mean, I don’t even care. You’re awesome!
Randy Goldman: What’s up, Sharon Sharon?
[Randy exits, Megan squeaks, sits down.]
Samantha: Oh my god, did you see that? He was totally checking you out!
Megan: [overwhelmed] Really! Do you think so? He almost got my name right this time I can feel my heart pounding oh my god this is awesome I feel lightheaded!
[Sheldon picks up his lunchbag, takes out the sandwich inside, and hands the bag to Megan, who starts breathing in it.]
Megan: Thanks, Sheldon, I coulda died. Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for tuning in, you guys, thanks to Samantha.
Samantha: Yeah, go see Hair, four nights only. There’s still lots of tickets.
Sheldon: Signing off, I am Sheldon.
Megan: And I am the future Mrs. Randy Goldman. Hey Samantha, why don’t you take us out with a selection from Hair.
Samantha: I’d love to. [Band starts playing, Samantha sings] This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquariuh-hus [Megan and Sheldon get up and start to sway/dance] Aquarius!
Stewardess: Anything I can get you guys before take-off?
Co-Pilot #1: No, I think we’re good. Just waiting for Captain..[ checks log ] ..Kazansky.
Co-Pilot #2: Wait.. not Tom Kazansky?
Co-Pilot #1: Yes. That’s what it says.
Co-Pilot #2: The ex-Navy fighter pilot who always brags about going to the Top Gun school, like, 15 years ago.
Co-Pilot #1: Yes. Is there a problem?
Iceman: [ enters cockpit, wearing cap with “Iceman” stitched in ] Yeah. There is a problem. You.. because you’re dangerous. [ pulls off his shades to revela another pair beneath ] You’re dangerous and foolish – and that makes you dangerous! Now, let’s cut the.. crap. [ removes second pair of shades ] We’ve got a plane to fly. Let’s try to be on time, okay?
Co-Pilot #1: [ stunned ] Okay..
[ show footage of scenes around the airport ]
[ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ]
[ SUPER: “Iceman: The Later Years” ]
[ cut back to cockpit ]
Iceman: Listen to me – you’re out of line! Your ego’s writingchecks your body can’t cash, and that makes you dangerous!
Stewardess: So, is that decaf, or regular coffee?
Iceman: Regular! And it’s “Iceman”!
Stewardess: I, uh.. I can see you wrote that on your hat there, Tom. [ walks away ]
Iceman: [ takes off his cap ] Hell of a bird! I got this baby up to a Mach 3 yesterday!
Co-Pilot #1: You were doing Mach 3 on a 727?
Iceman: I was shaving with a Mach 3! When you shave with a Mach 3, there’s no time to think! If you think, you’re dead!
Co-Pilot #2: What are you talking about?
Iceman: You guys are dangerous. [ looks out window ] Bogey!Repeat: Bogey! Come in, Butter 6, he’s got tone!
Co-Pilot #2: That’s the 9:35 out of Tampa. It’s taxiing!
Iceman: you guys are dangerous!
Co-Pilot #2: Tom, I’m gonna ask you to stop saying that.
[ Iceman gives a disturbed look ]
[ show footage of scenes around the airport ]
[ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ]
[ cut back to cockpit ]
Iceman: [ wearing helmet inscribed “Iceman”, yelling into theloudspeaker ] We’re forging, Negative Eye! It’s too close for missiles! We’re gonna shoot some guns!
Co-Pilot #1: [ translating into loudspeaker ] What Captain Kazansky means to say is that our in-flight movie today is “Duets”, starring Huey Lewis.
[ show footage of scenes around the airport ]
[ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ]
[ cut back to cockpit ]
Co-Pilot #1: [ into loudspeaker ] On behalf of AVA Airlines, welcome to Flagstaff, and have a pleasant day.
Co-Pilot #2: Nice landing, Tom. See you guys tomorrow. [ startsto leave ]
Iceman: What a rush! Hey, why don’t we go to a hotel room, andshower, and dry off, and play some volleyball?
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer Hugh Rodham…..Horatio Sanz Roger Clinton…..Chris Parnell
Bill Clinton: Good evening, America. These past few weeks have been a difficult time for me and my family, as a number of questions have surfaced concerning my conduct in the final days of my presidency. For most of you, the main question is: why did I pardon fugitive billionaire Marc Rich? Or, perhaps, some of you may be asking: Why did I pardon my own brother-in-law? Why did I pardon my own brother Roger?
Roger Clinton: [ waves ] Howdy, folks! [ puts his beer on the table ]
Bill Clinton: Hey, hey, hey! Use a coaster! That table’s from the White House. [ to the nation ] Maybe you’re asking: Why did I pardon convicted felons Carlos Benyali, Almon Glen Braswell, or why did Hillary’s brother Hugh Rodham except $400,000 from the aforementioned drug dealers and swindlers? Say hello, Hugh?
Hugh Rodham: Hey, ho!
Bill Clinton: Or, you might ask why Hillary’s own campaign manager had me spring a couple of tax cheats, who were caught skimming millions from Bonanza Steak House. Because they make good steak! America, you deserve an answer to all these troubling questions, and tonight I’d like to offer one simple explanation which covers them all: I do what I likes, and I likes what I do! [ they all laugh ] Oh, come on, folks, we’re the Clintons! What do you expect? Look at us!
Hillary Clinton: They should expect more! I am very disheartened and disappointed in you and my brothers.
[ they all laugh ]
Bill Clinton: I fall for that each and every time! You folks, you know what we’re talking about. We’re not some fancy high-class gourmet dinner – we’re a Big Mac Extra Value Meal!
Hugh Rodham: Supersized!
[ they all laugh ]
Bill Clinton: Everyone loves a Big Mac. But when you finish your Big Mac, you feel kind of queasy in the stomach, and you say to yourself, “I’m never eating a Big Mac again!” But you can’t help it – it’s tasty! You keep coming back! All I’m saying is, y’all are never gonna get tired of us. We’re like “The Sopranos” in a pick-up truck. We’re an outlaw gang. We’re freakin’ Bonnie & Clyde and the James Gang and “Hee-Haw” all rolled into one!
[ “Deliverance” banjo music plays, as Hugh and Roger hold up their shotguns, and a flash photo is taken of them from offscreen ]
We’re the Clinton Gang! We rob banks!
Hillary Clinton: Admit it! You can’t wait to find out what we’re gonna pull next!
Bill Clinton: Any one of us could be seen on FOX TV, running through backyards, followed by a shaky cam, until we’re caught hiding under a doghouse!
Roger Clinton: Hell, I already been on “COPS”!
Bill Clinton: He’s been on “COPS”! We’ve got scandals and crimes out there y’all don’t even know about yet!
Roger Clinton: Oh, come on, give ’em a little hint, Bro!
Bill Clinton: No.. [ everyone eggs him on ] Oh, alright.. The next thing you’re gonna hear about is a Clinton All-Star Scandal. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Brenda: Wow! Mr. Burt Bacharach! [ laughing nervously ] Can I just say, from all of us at A&M Records, it is a pleasure to meet you!
Burt Bacharach: [ smiling constantly ] Brenda, you flatter me! But when it comes right down to it, we’re all here for one thing – to make beautiful Burt Bacharach music. Because I am Burt Bacharach!
Brenda: [ laughing ] Yes, you are!
Burt Bacharach: I am Burt Bacharach! Not Burt Lancaster – Burt Bacharach!
Brenda: You are! I’m Brenda!
Burt Bacharach: No, I’m Burt Bacharach!
Brenda: Oh, okay!
[ The Tyson Brothers, Tom and Wesley, enter the recording studio ]
Burt Bacharach: And here are the best two session players in the biz! Brenda, let me introduce you to the Tyson Brothers – Tom and Wesley.
Brenda: So, you guys are the horn players, correct?
Wesley Tyson: I play trumpet.
Tom Tyson: I play trumpet and saxophone.
Burt Bacharach: Fantastic! Okay, you guys, you know what we’re doing. [ dispenses the sheet music ] A little Burt Bacharach number called “I Say A Little Prayer”. Yeah. That’s the one that got me the big, fat.. [ digresses ] Well.. are you guys ready?
Wesley Tyson: Burt, do you want any improvisationals?
Burt Bacharach: Uh.. no. Take a look at the charts. I think just a nice.. uh.. a nice straight-ahead thing.
Wesley Tyson: No improvisationals.
Burt Bacharach: No. I think just a nice, straight-ahead Burt Bacharach. Okay, are we ready? Alright. [ he and Brenda enter the booth ] Are you ready, fellas?
Wesley Tyson: Uh, yeah.
Tom Tyson: Ready.
[ muzak version of “I Say A Little Prayer” begins, as Tom and Wesley wet their lips and brace their horns ]
[ Wesley glances at Tom, who licks his lips and plays the first stanza on his trumpet ]
[ between stanzas, the brothers wet their lips again ]
[ both brothers play their trumpets for the second stanza, as Burt snaps his fingers inside the booth. At stanza’s end, both brothers nod congratulatory to one another, then prepare for the finale. ]
[ Tom straps a saxophone around his neck, then attempts to slip an improvisation past Wesley, who immediately notices, and scowls silently ]
Burt Bacharach: [ as the song ends ] Oh, that was perfect! San Diego, here I come!
Wesley Tyson: Burt, I thought you said you didn’t want any improvisationals?
Tom Tyson: [ defensive ] I just played what was on the chart, Wesley.
Wesley Tyson: You played an improvisational!
Tom Tyson: I played what was on the chart!
Wesley Tyson: That was an improvisational!
Tom Tyson: I would never do that!
Wesley Tyson: That’s a LIE!
Tom Tyson: You shut up!
Wesley Tyson: Your whole LIFE’S a LIE!
Tom Tyson: [ shrieking ] SHUT UP!!
Wesley Tyson: YOU WERE ADOPTED!!
Tom Tyson: SHUT UP!!
Wesley Tyson: YOU WERE ADOPTED!!
Tom Tyson: SHUT UP!!
Burt Bacharach: [ interrupting ] Silence! [ the brothers start weeping ] Boys! Boys! Fellas, please. You laid down a perfect Burt Bacharach track – that’s all that matters. Now, get out.
[ the Tyson Brothers pick up their instruments and casually exit the studio. Burt holds his hands over the music stands as he circles around them and picks up the sheet music. ]
Brenda: Wow. Powerful music.. powerful stuff.
Burt Bacharach: Yes, Brenda. That’s what you get with Tyson magic – a volatile beginning.. a volatile ending.
Brenda: Right.
Burt Bacharach: That was perfect, that was brilliant!
Brenda: They are brilliant.
Burt Bacharach: Debbie, they are brilliant!
Brenda: It’s Brenda.
Burt Bacharach: No, it’s Debbie! And I’m Burt Bacharach!
