Category: 2001

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Dick Armey…..Will Ferrell
Pat Caddell…..Jimmy Fallon
Paul Begalia…..Chris Kattan

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews. Fighting rages on in the middle East, Yassar Arafat has locked himself in his paic room, Prime Minister Sharon has a boner for bulldozers, and the hottest-selling Spring accessory in the West Bank is a fishing vest that ticks! These people are nuts! They’re Looney Tunes! They say the want peace, they keep blowing things up, and bush’s solution is to head for Crawford, Texas and play with cows! Should the U.S. intervene, or should they let the whole middle East turn into an episode of “Battlebots”! Joining me today, House Majority Leader Dick Armey!

Dick Armey: Nice to be here, Chris. The thing that strikes me is –

Chris Matthews: Whoa! The hell do you think you’re doing! It’s not the Dick Armey Fun-Time Chat Hour? It’s Hardball, zip it! Also joining us, former Democrat pollster Pat Caddell!

Pat Caddell: [ mumbly ] Hello, Chris. Can I say something right off the bat?

Chris Matthews: I don’t know, can you?

Pat Caddell: Okay, may I?

Chris Matthews: No, you may not! Ha! It’s an oldie but a goodie, but it’s still funny! Finally, an old friend of ours, he moved over to CNN, but we love having him back here! Always great to have him on the show, former Clinton advisor Paul Begalia!

Paul Begalia: Thaks, Chris! It’s very nice of you to have me here –

Chris Matthews: Shut your muppet mouth, Begalia! You shut your mouth, or I swear to God, I’ll come over there and beat you so hard your dog will be retarded!

Paul Begalia: Now, Chris, do we have to start things off so negatively?

Chris Matthews: I’m sorry, Begalia, it’s a force of habit! What’s the solution to this mess in the Middle East! We’re gonna start with representative Penis Navy!

[ SUPER on Dick Armey: “Penis Navy” ]

Dick Armey: [ stunned ] It’s Dick Armey, Chris, you know that.

Chris Matthews: Whatever! Just talk!

Dick Armey: The Palestinians and Israelis have lost their moral center. We need to remind the Arab and Jewish worlds of what’s really important – the Bible anf Jesus Christ.

Paul Begalia: Chris, that is ludicrous!

Chris Matthews: Jimmy Neutron, you got a comment!

Paul Begalia: Call me crazy –

Chris Matthews: Okay, you’re a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: I said call me crazy..

Chris Matthews: I know, but I think you’re a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: Hey. Anyway, I don’t think studying the New Testement is gonna solve this problem. It’s exactly that kind of cultural misunderstading that has led to all this trouble.

Chris Matthews: It may be true, Begalia, but take a look at this!

[ show doctored photo of Paul Begalia in compromising position with ]

Paul Begalia: Hey, that’s not real! Where did you get that?!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That’s the Adobe Photoshop! I also have one of Bobo Fett’s head on my body, it’s awesome! Pat Caddell, news polls say that the U.S. supports Israel’s ight ot protect itself, but we also want them to back out of the West Bank! Do you and your irregular beard have a solution that’ll please everyone!

Pat Caddell: Chris, they can’t divide up the West Bank, why don’t they award joint custody? Israel gets it on weekdays, Palestinians get it on weekends. Of course, Palenstinians will probably let the West Bank stay up late and eat junk food, so that the West Bank will think Palenstine is cooler. That’s the way it worked when my parents split up.

Chris Matthews: Why don’t you zip it, you bearded freak! Tell that stuff to your shrink, not to the fifty people who watch this show! It’s time to take an e-mail question! Cam Vincent of Philadelphia writes: “Dear Chris, please stop shouting. I had the TV on mute, but you’re still so loud you woke up my kid.” Cry me a river, Cam! I’ll stop shouting when I wanna stop shouting! And I don’t ever wanna stop shouting! The question remains: Should the U.S. intervene or what! Weiner Air Force!

Dick Armey: [ outraged ] It’s Dick Armey! It’s Dick Armey! Chris, we have to get tough with the Arab world. We have to institute more prayer in their schools. We have to get them saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. And if that doesn’t work, we simply take over the West Bank and name it America II. We can use it for storage.

Chris Matthews: What about that, Pat Caddell! Should we conquer the West Bank and turn it into a huge garage!

Pat Caddell: Chris, these recent polls show that the U.S. people support Israel, but want them to back out. And they support U.S. intervention, but oppose U.S. loss of life. So what they want is a terminally indestructable American cyborgs to patrol an Israel that can do whatever it wants, and an independent Palestine without anyone affecting anyone else.

Chris Matthews: [ sighs ] The people have spoken, and they’re morons! Time for final thoughts. Vagina Coast Guard!

Dick Armey: Come on! It’s Dick Armey! Look! Chris, there’s only one thing I know about this whole situation – once America II is up and running, we can start getting people psyched for America III: The korean Adventure!

Chris Matthews: Paul Begalia, you weird little garden gnome! Do you have anything left to say!

Paul Begalia: Chris, I agreed –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – to come back –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – on this show –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – and you’ve been nothing –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – but hostile –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – ever since I got here –

Chris Matthews: Yeah, shut up, you’re done! If they made a bobble-headed doll out of you, they’d have to make your head smaller! When we come back, I’m gonna call that e-mail guy’s kid on the phone and i’m gonna shout at him! You’re watching “Hardball”!

SNL Transcripts

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hello, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, Enron accountants Arthur Anderson have announced that they will lay off 7,000 employees and that’s not even counting the employees who were secretly shredded.

Earlier today for the first time, Yassa Arafat issued a statement in Arabic condemning terrorism. US officials say it is a step in the right direction except for the last line which translates to ‘wink, wink’.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock got engaged in Las Vegas this week. To celebrate their engagement, Kid Rock gave Pamela a 3 carat diamond ring, and Pamela gave Kid Rock hepatitis.

On his weekly radio show, Al Sharpton is now being introduced as The Honourable Reverend Doctor Al Sharpton. You know what? As long as the last 2 words are Al and Sharpton you are not fooling anyone.

(picture of Elton John and Hilary Clinton very close) You remind me of an old boyfriend………so do you…

It was announced this week that Nicolas Cage will be the first inductee of The Italian-American Hall of Fame. Which I’m guessing means Marlin Brando, Robert DiNiro, Francis Ford Coppola, Al Pacino, Martin Scorsese, Marisa Tomei, James Gandolfini, Susan Lucci, Joe Pesci, Danny DeVito, The Olive Garden, Luigi and Mario, Chef Boyardee, Louis Prima, John Gardie, and Lutha Garci all said NO.

Cage will be president of the ceremony of the Italian-American Hall of Fame when they tape his Polaroid up between the soda machine and the empty pizza boxes.

(shows a picture of Alanis Morrisette) Alanis… Alanis, not everything you write in your journal is a song.

In other news controversial Little League pitcher Danny Almonte celebrated his 13th birthday on Sunday despite the fact that his birth certificate says he is much older. Almonte spent the day eating cake and playing in the park with his nine year old son.

Ed McMahon has filed a 20 million dollar law suit against his insurance company claiming he and his wife were sicked due to toxic mould from a flood in his Beverly Hills home. McMahon sent a letter to his insurance company saying ‘You already may owe me 20 Million Dollars’

A newspaper in India reported that a local woman has been living on a diet of discarded cigarette butts for the past 50 years. Reports said that there is so many filters in her stomach that she pees Brita.

Researchers at Yale University have enrolled cocaine addicts in a clinical trial to test cocaine vaccine. The results of the trial were stolen along with everything else at the clinic.

Jimmy Fallon: Last night, Fox news reported that 2 bears rampaged through Gene Shalit’s home in Stockbrake, Massachusetts, this is a true story. Here now with a review of the bears performance is Gene Shalit everybody.

Gene Shalit: Those bears were unbearable.

Jimmy Fallon: Good, that’s great.

Gene Shalit: It was a grizzly evening.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, that’s good.

Gene Shalit: I barely escaped with my life.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, we got it.

Gene Shalit: Some rampagers through my house were too hot, some rampagers through in my house were too cold, these rampagers through my house–

Jimmy Fallon: Were just right. Yeah, that’s great.

Gene Shalit: Those bears made me poop in my pants!

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t get that one.

Gene Shalit: Oh well, I’ll just have to grin and bear it.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay.

Gene Shalit: I was so frightened I lost me bearings.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Gene Shalit: When… I got more.

Jimmy Fallon: You got more huh? (sarcastically) Good…

Gene Shalit: When they make the movie it should star John Clause Van Damn. Huh? Does a bear crap in the woods? Not when it can crap on my sofa.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright, gene Shalit everybody.

Lets see Robert DeNiro- super cool, guitars- always cool, Robert DeNiro holding a guitar… surprisingly un-cool.

Tina Fey: John Crutchly, known as the Vampire Rapist committed suicide this week at a Florida Prison where he was serving a life term.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh man, that’s terrible.

Tina Fey: What? No, no its not. He raped people and drank their blood.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, I thought he was called the Vampire Rapist because he raped vampires. That would be a good thing, you know?

Tina Fey: No, no. I’m glad we cleared that up.

Jimmy Fallon: Well anyway, we’ll miss you Vampire Rapist.

Tina Fey: No we won’t.

According to new research, it is extremely difficult for women over the age of 40 to have a child. So hello Bea Arthur, goodbye condoms.

(Gene Shalit runs in)

Gene Shalit: Thanks for baring with us.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t know you were here.

Gene Shalit: I had a honey of a time. (‘The Bear Necessities” begins to play, and Gene begins to dance)

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Tina gets up and dances with Gene and Jimmy claps along with the music)

Thanks to Roseanne Sigglekow for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Gabby Connors…..Britney Spears
Doc Ellis…..Dean Edwards

Jingle:
Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, mac, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet…

[Brian Fellows is seen walking in place and pointing at cartoon animals]

Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)

[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! [Salutes] I’m Brian Fellow! Today we gonna be meeting some animals with big ears. [Whispers] I bet they can hear me whisper! I’m very excited to meet some new friends. So let’s get goin’! Our first guest has some very good eyesight cuz he eats carrots. Please welcome a bunny rabbit!

[Gabby Connors enters holding a small white rabbit]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Gabby Connors: I’m Gabby Connors, I work for the City ZooMobile in Santa Barbara.

Brian Fellow: Welcome, Barbara!

Gabby Connors: No, I’m Gabby..I’m from Santa Barbara!

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!!

Gabby Connors: Hi Brian, well today I’ve brought someone for you to meet… [ shows rabbit ] This is Riley..He’s one of our most popular animals on the zoo-mobile. He’s a three-year old short haired rabbit.

Brian Fellow: Why did you cut it’s hair so short?!

Gabby Connors: [ confused ] Um, actually I didn’t cut his hair, this particular rabbit has natural short hair…

Brian Fellow: Rabbits can’t cut they own hair! that’s CRAZY!!

Gabby Connors: [ smiling ] Of course rabbits can’t cut their own hair, no.

Brian Fellow: That’s what I said.

Gabby Connors: [ confused again ]- Well, You’re right, and even thought this rabbit’s coat is short, the coat is thick enough to keep him plenty warm in the winter nights.

Brian Fellow: I bet if he tried to cut his own hair, he might cut one of his ears off!

Gabby Connors: Well…I suppose so…But just like I said, this rabbit didn’t cut his own hair.

Brian Fellow: [ angered ]- Then why did you bring him here?! Get him out of here! [ Gabby leaves ] Next time, make sure he do what you say he do! [ to audience, still angered ] I’m very sorry about that, it’s inexcusable! Someone’s gonna lose they job over that! And I mean this! [ pauses, then smiles ] Our next guest has big ears too cause he likes to carry coffee beans and rocks…Please welcome a donkey! [ Doc Ellis enters pulling a donkey behind him on a rope ]

Doc Ellis: Hi, I’m Doc Ellis, from the Lancaster Children’s Petting Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!

Doc Ellis: Hello Brian! I’d like you to meet Jessie.

Brian Fellow: I already have a friend named Jessie. He fixes my car.

Doc Ellis: [ confused ] That-That’s nice…

Brian Fellow: Does this donkey fix cars?

Doc Ellis: No, he doesn’t…

Brian Fellow: Then they probably aren’t related.

Doc Ellis: [ smiling ] Yeah, you know you’re probably right.

Brian Fellow: Did you see that haircut rabbit? With the short haircut?

Doc Ellis: Yeah I did.

Brian Fellow: That was CRAZY!

Doc Ellis: [ laughing ] It sure was, and although it might look like it, this donkey didn’t give himself a haircut.

Brian Fellow: I know that, I’m not stupid!

Doc Ellis: I- I was just kidding…

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!! Let me ask you a question. Is a donkey and a mule the same thing?

Doc Ellis: You know, thats a very good question..

[ Doc keeps rambling…his voice eventually fades out… A thought bubble appears above Brian’s head showing a rabbit cutting its own hair]

Brian Fellow: [ laughing ] He’s CRAZY!!

Doc Ellis: What? What are you talking about?

Brian Fellow: The haircut rabbit!!

Doc Ellis: What? [ confused ] What haircut rabbit?

Brian Fellow: Just think about it!

Doc Ellis: [ thinks about the rabbit cutting his hair, then laughs ] He is crazy, you’re right!

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow! And thats all the time we have for today! Join me next time when we meet a flying squirrel. That sounds CRAZY!! I’m Brian Fellow!!

[ music plays, fade to dark ]

Thanks to Blake Benham and Joe Cornfield for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 12

01l: Britney Spears

The Leatherman

Leather Man….Jimmy Fallon
Choo-Choo….Horatio Sanz
Hot Blonde….Britney Spears
Judge Lindenwell….Dan Aykroyd
Leather Dad….Will Ferrell
Leather Mom….Ana Gestayer

[Opens with The Leather Man Shop, cuts to the inside.Everything leather in there. A hot blonde walks in,checks out the merchandise. The Leather Man isstanding behind his counter. He is dressed in an allblack leather suit and tie combo, buzzcut haircut,deep,grave voice]

Leather Man: Hello. Welcome to The Leather Man. Can Iget you into some leather?

Hot Blonde: Oh, no. I’m just looking. You have a nice store.

Leather Man: Yes, if you like leather. But I don’tlike leather. I love leather. He, he, he those pantsare 100% beautiful and 100% you and 100% leather. Trust me.

[Comes from behind the counter, his leather outfitcreaks loudly. The blonde picks a pair of leather pants]

Hot Blonde: Um, I like this pants right here. Do youhave this in my size?

Leather Man: Mmmm…[puts hand on chin, thinking,leather creaks]I don’t see them here.[bends over arack of leather clothing, leather creaks]Perhaps inthe back. Choo-Choo!

[Choo-Choo is an overweight dimwitted man in a leatherapron, he comes bopping side to side]

Choo-Choo: Yes, Leather Man?

Leather Man: This very beautiful young woman wouldlike to try some size—[bends, leather creaks]size 6 pants.

Choo-Choo: Size 6?

Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Smack! whips Choo-Choo in the chest]

Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiii!!!, aaaahaaaa! Good whip.[leaves]

[Jimmy tries not to laugh]

Leather Man: These pants will fit you like a glove.They’re made completely out of elephant ear.Sumptuous. [leather creaks]

Hot Blonde: Elephant ear?

Leather Man: Yeah, it’s very breathable. They keep thehot side hot and the cool side cool.[makes dancemoves, leather creaks. Choo-Choo arrives with thepants]Thank you, Choo-Choo. I’ll take it from here.Adios, amigos. Right this way.

[Choo-Choo leaves, his leather creaking too, LeatherMan locks arms with and takes the hot blonde into thefitting rooms stalls. She goes in, Leather Man stands guard]

Leather Man: There’s nothing to hide when you wearleather. It’s like a second skin.

[Choo-Choo is sneaking a peek into the blonde’s stall]

Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Smack! Whips Choo-Choo in the face]

Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiiiii!!!!!aaaaaaayiyiyiyi!!!![leaves]

Leather Man: Eventually you feel like you’re bucknaked, you learn to love it, it makes you feel kindof—[Leather Man’s enthusiastic explanation is with alot of hand movement and moving his torso so theleather creaking drowns out his voice]—-just overhere….right up—-[more creaking, then stops]….ifthat’s what you want.

Hot Blonde: What did you say?

Leather Man: It’s not important. Leather is important.Just try it on.

[A middle-age biker all in leather walks into the shop]

Leather Man: My, my,my Judge Lindenwell!

Judge Lindenwell: Leather Man!

[They hug and the leather creaking is intense]

Leather Man: How did those Edwardian boots work out?

Judge Lindenwell: Oh, they are beautiful. I nevershould have doubted you.

Leather Man: Well, I know my leather. What can I do for you today?

Judge Lindenwell: I’m compelled to buy a weddingpresent for my mother.

Leather Man: Well, is she registered here?

Judge Lindenwell: Of course.

Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Choo-Choo hops back in]TakeJudge Lindenwell to the bridal registry.[Smack!Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the belly]

Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiiii!!!,[Smack! secondwhipping]aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiii!!!![Smack!thirdwhiping]yiyiyiyiyiyyaaaaaaahhhh!!!! Right this way,sir.[takes the judge to the counter. The judge opensleather-bound book and the leather book creaks as it opens]

[The hot blonde walks out of the fitting room stalland walks stiffly in brown leather pants, leather creaks]

Leather Man: Well, am I right? Or am i r-right?

Hot Blonde: Well, you know, actually they’re a littletight and noisy.

Leather Man: That’s leather’s way of letting you knowit likes you. It wants to get closer to you. Don’t beshy. Let it. Walk for me. Walk for the leather.

[The hot blonde walks rigidly in front of a mirror,she checks out her butt]

[A very rapid creaking is heard. Leather Man looksaround for where the noise comes from and he findsChoo-Choo masturbating in the fitting room stallschecking out the blonde]

Leather Man: Choo-Choo!, Choo- Choo!

[Horatio shows his hands and the masturbation leathercreaking sounds keeps going. Jimmy is cracking uphard. Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the face. Smack!]

Choo-Choo: Aaaaaaiiiii!!! aaaaaaaahhhh!!! [bounces ofthe walls of the stall]

[Jimmy comes back biting his lip to keep from laughing]

Hot Blonde: How much are these things? They look a little expensive.

Leather Man: Well, I’ll barter.

Hot Blonde: Barter? Do they still do that?

Leather Man: Well…

[A family walks into the store. They’re all inleather, leather creaks, even the 2 little kids]

Leather Dad:[explains]Back to school.

Kids: Hi, Leather Man!

Leather Man: Hey, kids![to the hot blonde] Hey, I wasthinking maybe we could…..[Between the Judge,Choo-Choo, the leather family and the Leather Manmoving, the leather creaks very, very loud drowningout what the Leather Man is telling the hot blonde inthe ear. The Hot Blonde slaps the Leather Man in theface and leaves the store. Leather creaking stops]

Leather Man: Ow, what’s her prob? That line usually works.

Choo-Choo: Hey, she didn’t pay for those pants.

[Smack!Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the belly]

Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiii!!!!aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

Leather Man: After her everybody!

[Choo-Choo, Leather Man and Judge Lindenwell leave thestore after the hot blonde. The Leather family areleft all alone and start shoplifting, stealing everyleather item they can take]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell
Gay Speedskating Hitler…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.

President Bush delivered his State of the Union address Monday, and he maintains an all-time high 84% approval rating. Bush is thrilled because it’s the first solid “B” he’s ever gotten.

The State of the Union earned a huge TV rating, with 53 million viewers watching. Which is why ABC now wants to put it on five nights a week.

After being denied a boxing license by the Nevada Athletic Commission, Mike Tyson told a reporter that Lennox Lewis was a coward. When the reporter pointed out that Lennox Lewis had nothing to do with the Commission’s decision, Tyson raped him.

Tina Fey: Dick Cheney appeared at his birthday party Wednesday with a bruised lip, after one of his dogs bumped into his mouth while playing. Leading many to ask, “What is up with this administration?!” Cheney’s got a bruised lip, Bush has a huge scrape on his face, Ashcroft has burn marks all over. Tell the truth – do you guys have a Fight Club? I think there’s a White House Fight Club!

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, you know the first rule of White House Fight Club.

Tina Fey: I know – Don’t talk about White House Fight Club.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ punches Tina in the face ]

NBC has ordered a full 22-episode season of “Fear Factor”. Oh, my God, that’s my biggest fear. Am I on “Fear Factor” right now? I give up.

Jimmy Fallon: A porn star named Ciccoline is considering a bid to enter the Hungarian Parliament, while the Hungarian Parliament is considering a bid to enter Ciccoline.

Seth Meyers: Joke Palindrome! Point, Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: Yes!

Tina Fey: Now, here with news on the situation in Somalia, isa Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera.

[ cut to Geraldo Rivera standing outside of war-torn Mogadishu, Somalia ]

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, I’m here in Mogadishu. It’s the second stop on Geraldo Rivera’s Tour of Terror. Some of you may be familiar with this sorry, sorry city, which has been turned into a nightmarish road map to terror. Uh.. early this morning, a Somali sniper started shooting at me. Uh.. after he learned that I was here, apparently familiar with my award-winning work on Geraldo’s Tour of Terror. Uh.. now all the people here in this quaint Somali village are following me around. They’re chanting, “Ger-al-do! Boom-ba-yay! Ger-al-do! Boom-ba-yay!” Which, apparently, is an ancient Somali term meaning “Geraldo, you sexy man!”

Tina Fey: Geraldo, are the Somali terrorists trained by Osama bin Laden?

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, let me answer that. Just moments ago, uh.. the beast of a thousand scales, the prince of dasterdly deeds himself, uh.. Osama bin Laden, was here moments ago.

Tina Fey: Uh.. wait a minute. You actually met with Osama bin Laden?

Geraldo Rivera: Osama was here, I had him in a headlock, uh.. I hit Osama, I kicked him in his dasterdly groin. Then he and I briefly exchanged fisticuffsbefore Osama starting screaming, “Ooh, Geraldo! you sexy man!”

Tina Fey: Come on, Geraldo! That could not have been Osama bin Laden! According to Pentago sources, he’s nowhere near Somalia!

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, if that’s true, I’m truly sorry. Uh.. mistakes are made when you’re on a Tour of Terror.. uh.. I call them Terror Errors. These are errors that are on a Tour of Terror, uh.. [ holds finger to his earpiece ] Hold on, Tina, I’ve just been informed.. hold on.. ohh.. I’ve just been informed that the people of Mogadishu have declared me their king. Apparently, I am now their supreme ruler, uhh.. they’re going to rename Mogadishu, they’re going to call it Geraldo, You Sexy Manville. From Mogadishu, on the Tour of Terror, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.

[ back to Tina at the newsdesk ]

Tina Fey: Geraldo Rovera, everybody. He’s a big, big lair. He lies about stuff.

According to the New York Post, Will Smith is looking for an apartment to sublet in New York City, and is willing to pay $80,000 a month for it. In a related story, DJ Jazzy Jeff wants to know if you’re going to eat the rest of that.

The Justice Department has covered a nude statue that stands behind John Ashcroft during press conferences, because the statue’s exposed breasts made Ashcroft uncomfortable. Ashcroft says, if it were up to him, he’d just replace it with a different statue. [ boobs are replaced with genitals ]

An Italian man claims he has set a world record by creating a 330-gallon cup of cappucino. Sadly, moments after making the drink, the man suffered a massive heart attack. Not from drinking the cappucino, but from trying to dunk a huge viscotti.

Aryan nations leader, Ryan Redfairn, has announced his resignation. Redfairn says he is leaving the hate group so he can spend more time hating his family.

A female version of Viagra is expected to be released next year with the promise of giving women faster arousal and better orgasms. The pill is so strong, doctors warn the increased speed of arousal might cause Christina Aguilera’s vagina to time travel.

Tina Fey: Well, the Winter Olympics start next week, and no one is more excited about this than our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: [ holding guitar ] Thanks, Tina! The 2002 Winter Olympics start next week, and the theme song to the Olympics is “America”, by Neil Diamond. Now, no offense to Neil Diamond – that song’s good, but it’s twenty yars old. So I thought maybe I could change the words to some more recent songs, and see if they want to use those ones instead. You should highlight the evens, you know? Like downhill skiing.

[ singing variant of Five For Fighting’s “Superman” ]

“I can go downhill
on the icy snow
dressed up in my unitard
where else can I go?

I’m only a man
on two skinny red skis
instead of cologne
I’m wearing antifreeze.

Can’t even tell
if I’m winning the race
because snot is frozen on my face.

It’s not easy
to downhill ski.”

And the Winter Olympics, they just happen to be in February, which is also Black History Month. I think that’s just perfect, considering how much black people love Winter sports.

[ singing variant of Ludacris’ “Roll Out” ]

“What in the world was on your mind?
What you got on your mind?
A couple of dudes with nosebleeds
and its hard to breathe at that height
with that hype people
it’s just white people

‘Cause ain’t no homies play hockey.
If it’s below 30 you can bite me.
Turn off my Sony til you stop that.
I’m gonna see a movie
with a hot pack
thaw out!”

But one good reason to tune in this year, is a new event called Skeleton, where an Olympian lays on this tiny metal sled on their stomach, and they go head first down the mountain. It’s insane.

[ singing variant of Nickelback’s “You Remind Me” ]

“Never made it as a luge man
couldn’t hack it on the bobsled
now you don’t have to remind me
of how I will get hurt.
You don’t have to remind me
haven’t done it since the forties
go down a mountain like 50 stories
all the drugs that I’ll be takin’
for all the bones that I’ll be breakin’.
I will cry
I could die
you’ll have to find my body at the bottom
these few words in my head, saying,
“Don’t die
don’t die
Don’t die on this sled.”
Yeah, yeah
please don’t die on this little sled!”

[ Neil Diamond enters the set ]

Neil Diamond: Hey! What’s wrong with my song?

Jimmy Fallon: Neil Diamond?

Tina Fey: Neil Diamond?

Neil Diamond: You bet your balls it’s Neil Diamond! You don’t think my song’s good enough for the Olympics. I’m here to change your mind. Listen to this, geniuses.

[ singing ]

“Everywhere! Around the world!
They’re coming to America!
Every time the flag’s unfurled!
They’re coming to America!
They’re coming to America!
They’re coming to America!”

I’d like to introduce my friend, Gay Speedskating Hitler.

[ Gay Speedskating enters, Neil wraps his arm around him ]

Neil Diamond: “They’re coming to America!”

Come on! Everybody!

[ Geraldo River and Seth Meyers step out and sing along with Neil, Gay Speedskating Hitler, Tina and Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Neil Diamond: [ into the audience ] Take your top off, lady!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Hudson Valley Community Circuit

Dr. Keith Vester…..Dan Aykroyd
Al Gezzera…..Horatio Sanz
Sheila Kyda…..Ana Gasteyer
Al Kyda…..Will Ferrell
Tallulah Bands…..Rachel Dratch
Tony…..Dean Edwards
Ron…..Jimmy Fallon
Samuel L. Freelock…..Darrell Hammond

Dr. Keith Vester: Good evening, and welcome to Hudson Valley Community Circuit. I’m Dr. Keith Vester. Today, we have with us some people from the region who claim they are suffering a serious erosion in their business since the attack on our country. Hello. [ everyone says hello ] So, what town in the valley are you all from?

Al Kyda: Mt. Arab.

Dr. Keith Vester: [ pause ] Alright. And who are you, sir?

Al Gezzera: Al.

Dr. Keith Vester: Al..?

Al Gezzera: My name is Al Gezzera. I’m President of Al Gezzera Dodge-Plymouth Misubishi.

Dr. Keith Vester: You’re an auto dealer?

Al Gezzera: Not after 2 AM tomorrow morning. When the country receiver repossesses my stock of cars.

Dr. Keith Vester: Out of business. You haven’t sold a car all month. And, you folks?

Sheila Kyda: Sheila and Al Kyda.

Al Kyda: Kyda. I’m actually third-generation Czech-American.

Dr. Keith Vester: So, Sheila and Al Kyda. And you do business as?

Sheila Kyda: The Kyda Trading Network.

Dr. Keith Vester: And you’re having trouble selling..?

Al Kyda: Used Persian rugs.

Dr. Keith Vester: [ turns to other side ] And your name?

Tallulah Bands: Tallulah Michelle Bands – my friends call me Tally!

Dr. Keith Vester: Business?

Tallulah Bands: Tally Bands Candy & Cakes!

Dr. Keith Vester: No sale?

Tallulah Bands: Well, uh.. my partner is offering to buy me out.

Dr. Keith Vester: And what’s her name?

Tallulah Bands: Kathy Ann McKenna.

Dr. Keith Vester: She’ll probably do okay. [ looks at young men seated next to her ] And, uh.. you two. What’s the story?

Tony: Yeah, I’m Tony, this is Ron. We’re dealers.

Dr. Keith Vester: [ confused ] In what?

Tony & Ron: Afghan hash!

Dr. Keith Vester: And you’re out of business, too?

Ron: Oh, no, no, no! Actually, we’re doing great, and supply is tight and prices are up. We got a couple bricks from our summer tour to Kabul, so we’re set!

Tony: Yeah, yeah. We just came to help out.

Ron: We gave a ride over here to Al Gezzera, and Sheila and Al Kyda, Tally Bands in our new Lincoln Blackwood.

Dr. Keith Vester: And, over here to my right?

Samuel L. Freelock: Yes, sir! My name is Samuel L. Freelock! But like Charles Durning, I’m only 52, but I look 70, so everyone calls me Old Sammy!

Dr. Keith Vester: Old Sammy?

Samuel L. Freelock: Yes, sir!

Dr. Keith Vester: And, might I inquire, sir, what is the nature of your business?

Samuel L. Freelock: Well, I manufacture custom-made scoops for the bulk retail cereal and confections trade! Yes, I do!

Dr. Keith Vester: And.. the name of your company?

Samuel L. Freelock: Old Sammy’s Bin Ladles! [ chortles ]

Al Gezzera: Uh.. please.. I’d like everyone to know the spelling of my name is G-E-Z-Z, I don’t have the word “gizz” in my last name.

Tallulah Bands: He’s been saying that since high school! [ laughs ]

Dr. Keith Vester: We’ve been talking with some people from Mt. Arab, New York. Up next, we’ll be diping in the valley mailbag. Let’s see.. [ grabs letter ] ..here’s one from Mark Albert Lechman. He writes us from the Pennsylvania region, from the historic coal-mining town of Anthracite. [ opens letter, spilling white powder ]

[ the guests run from the studio ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

9/11 Tribute

…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
…..Paul Simon
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani standing at Home Base surrounded by two dozen members of the New York Fire and Police Department ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening. Since September 11th, many people have called New York a city of heroes. Well, these are the heroes. The brave men and women of the New York Fire Department, the New York Police Department, the Port Authority Police Department, Fire Commissioner Tom Von Essen, and Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik.

On September 11th, more lives were lost than on any other single day in America’s history. More than Pearl Harbor, and more than D-Day. The men, women and children who were in the World Trade Center came from across the country and 80 different nations. They were living their lives and pursuing their dreams, and they, too, are remembered as heroes. On our city’s darkest day, our heroes met the worst of humanity with the best of humanity. Their acts of heroism saved more than 25,000 lives. But even as we grieve for our loved ones, it’s up to us to face our future with renewed determination. Our hearts are broken, but they are beating, and they are beating stronger than ever. New Yorkers are unified. We will not yield to terrorism. We will not let our decisions be made out of fear. We choose to live our lives in freedom.

[ camera pans to the adjacent stage, where Paul Simon is ready on guitar ]

Paul Simon: [ singing “The Boxer” ]
“I am just a poor boy.
Though my story’s seldom told,
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocketful of mumbles,
Such are promises
All lies and jest
Still, a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest.

When I left my home and my family,
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station,
Running scared, laying low,
Seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go,
Looking for the places
Only they would know.

Lie-la-lie …

Asking only workman’s wages
I come looking for a job,
But I get no offers,
Just a come-on from the whores
On Seventh Avenue.
I do declare,
There were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there.

Now the years are rolling by me,
They are rocking evenly.
I am older than I once was,
Younger than I’ll be,
That’s not unusual.
No, it isn’t strange,
After changes upon changes,
We are more or less the same.
After changes we are more or less the same.

Lie-la-lie …

Then I’m laying out my winter clothes
And wishing I was gone
Going home
Where the New York City winters
Aren’t bleeding me,
Leading me,
Going home.

In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev’ry glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
“I am leaving, I am leaving.”
But the fighter still remains.

Lie-la-lie … “

[ camera pans back to Mayor Rudolph Guiliani and company, as Lorne Michaels joins them on stage ]

Lorne Michaels: On behalf of everyone here, I just want to thank you all for being here tonight, especially you, sir.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you, Lorne. Thank you very much. Having our city’s institutions up and running sends a message that New York City is open for business. “Saturday Night Live” is one of our great New York City institutions, and that’s why it’s important for you to do your show tonight.

Lorne Michaels: Can we be funny?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Why start now? “Live, from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

She’s The Girl With No Gaydar!!!

Nicole…..Rachel Dratch
Eliza…..Ana Gasteyer
Julius…..John Goodman
Troy…..Seth Meyers
Man #3…..Jimmy Fallon
Man #4…..Chris Kattan
Man #2…..Tracy Morgan
Nicole’s Father…..Will Ferrell

[open on effeminate men at house party]

[Nicole and Eliza enter]

Nicole: Wow, your friend Troy’s apartment is amazing!

Eliza: I know. He’s an interior designer.

Nicole: And look at all these guys! It’s like, all these guys and we’re the only two women? This ratio’s really in our favor. Boy, I’m glad I shaved my legs all the way up, ’cause this might be my lucky night!

[Troy approaches]

Troy: Eliza!

Eliza: Hey! [Troy and she share friendly kiss] How are you?Troy: How’re ya doin’, girl?

Eliza: Good!

Troy: Good!

Eliza: This is my friend Nicole.

Nicole: [almost mouthing] Hi!

Troy: Look at you, Miss Thang, with your lips all shimmery! Is that MAC lip gloss? [Nicole nods] You-are-precious. Now listen, help yourself. We have fondue, crudités, and Andreas’ famous mintymohitos, so you-better-look-out, okay, guys? [walks away]

Eliza: Thanks.

Nicole: Wow, he is gorgeous. [to camera] Is he single?

[Eliza walks away as men surround Nicole for theme song]

Chorus:
“She likes a guy with washboard abs
And the latest clothes from Milan,
She likes a guy who can cry with a wry sense of humor
Cut her hair at his own salon…
She wants a real pecs-of-steel
Facial peel kind of boyfriend
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar.”

Nicole: I am in HEAVEN!

[men walk away; Nicole approaches Man #2, a man in a rainbow-striped half-shirt]

Nicole: Ooh! I love your shirt. It’s so colorful.

Man #2: Rainbow power, sweetie!

Nicole: Ooh! Hey, where’d you get these moves?

Man #2: [matter-of-factly] I’m a choreographer!

Nicole: Ooh, I like that. [dances with him] Ooh! Uh, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve got some real chemistry going on here.

Man #2: Girl, you trippin’! [walks away]

Nicole: [strikes a pose] Yeah, baby!

[Eliza dances over to her]

Eliza: You having fun?

Nicole: Oh my god, I might not meet Mr. Right, but I will definitely meet Mr. Right Now.

[Eliza looks puzzled; Nicole dances over to Man #3 and Man #4]

Man #3: [to Man #4] I wanna renovate the whole house, and Eric only wants to do the bedroom.

Man #4: [groans] Well of course Eric wants to do the bedroom. All he cares about is sex, sex, sex.

[Man #3 and Man #4 laugh snootily]

Nicole: Ooh! Hey, where do I meet this Eric?

Man #3: Hello?

[Julius walks up holding small dog]

Julius: Bad news, girls. They’re out of Merlot. I’m gonna have to drink up some Cap Saf for the rest of the night.

Man #4: Quel disaster!

Man #3: I need another Cosmo.

Man #4: Let’s go.

[Man #3 and Man #4 walk away]

Nicole: Hi there. Um, I’m Nicole.

Julius: Hello, gorgeous.

Nicole: [flattered] Oh, hi.

Julius: I love this look you’ve got going. It’s like Sex and the City meets Mama Mia with a teense of “Watch out, Katie Couric!”

Nicole: [giggles] Thanks. Hey, what a cute doggy.

Julius: That’s my baby, Trifle.

Nicole: Oh! Hello!

Julius: And I-am-Julius.

Nicole: [giggles] Well, hello Trifle. And hello Julius.

[Eliza walks up with platter]

Eliza: These Vietnamese dumplings are mouthwatering.

Nicole: [whispers to Eliza] So is Julius.

Julius: [looks at platter] Oh, it looks like you got a hold of Christopher’s dumplings. [almost to himself] Wish I could.

Nicole: Oh, why didn’t you say so? Here. [feeds Julius dumpling]

Nicole: [whispers to Eliza] Not one of those rings on his finger is a wedding ring. [crosses fingers]

Julius: Oh, that cilantro really-[looks away] oh my god! They got the British Wall scones. Walter, you big ol’ queen! I’m always the last to know. [walks away] Toodles.

Nicole: He was cute, but you know that type – always carrying a dog around as a chick magnet. [chuckles] Still, I should’ve gotten his number.

Eliza: Nicole, what are you talking about? These guys are all gay!

Nicole: If these guys are all gay, then what is my dad doing here? [calls over to him] Hi, Dad!

[Nicole’s father, dressed in a leather S&M outfit, dances with another man]

Nicole’s Father: Hi, Pumpkin!

[Eliza walks away; men surround Nicole]

Chorus:
“She wants a real pecs-of-steel
Facial peel kind of boyfriend
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar.”

Nicole: [shoots arms out] Take a number, boys!

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Reese Witherspoon’s Monologue

…..Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. I’m so happy and honored to be here tonight, and, most of all, I’m happy that you all are here with me. We’ve never done a show under these circumstances, so we’re still finding our way. But I promise you that we’re gonna give it everything we’ve got. So, this is the part of the show where the host usually say something funny, but I don’t know any jokes. I know one joke, but it has a bad word in it.. so I probably shouldn’t tell it, should I?

[ audience eggs her on to tell the joke anyway ]

Okay.. you asked for it. Here it goes:

There’s this polar bear couple, and they have this beautiful polar bear baby. And they’re so happy, they can’t believe it, he’s just the cutest, sweetest polar bear cub. And he learns to run really fast, and he learns to talk early.. and the first question he asks his mother is, “Mom? Am I a real polar bear?” And his mother says, “Yes, you’re a real polar bear. I’m a polar bear, and your daddy’s a polar bear.. so, of course, you’re a polar bear.”

So the baby polar bear is growing stronger every day, and he learns to fish before any of the other baby polar bears, and his parents are just really proud of him. And after a few months, the baby polar bear comes up to his mom and asks, “Mom, are you sure I’m pure polar bear?” And his mother says, “Yes, honey, we’re polar bears. Your grandma and grandpa are polar bears.. you’re pure polar bear.” And he says, “Okay.”

Then, on the baby polar bear’s first birthday, his parents throw him a huge party, and all the polar bears come, because they love him so much, and as the baby polar bear is about to blow out the candles on his cake, he turns to his mother and he asks, “Mom, are you sure I’m 100% pure polar bear?” “Yes, you are 100% pure polar baer. But why do you keep asking me that?” And the baby polar bear says, “Because I’m freezing my balls off!”

So.. that’s my joke! Alicia Keys is here to help us have a good time. So, stick around and see what happens!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Wake Up, Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Gretchen Doyle…..Reese Witherspoon
Mr. Banglian…..Horatio Sanz
Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”. Fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.

Megan: It’s 7:55, and we are live from the Audio/Visual department here in Room 312. I’m your host Megan and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.

Sheldon: [ nervous ] Hey.

Megan: Well, it’s our first show of the new school year.

Sheldon: As always, we are joined by Jazz Times Ten. Led by the imcomparable Tony Tedusco on tenor sax. [ he demonstrates his musical skills ] Top-notch.

Megan: Yeah. We made some pretty drastic changes to the show this year. We’ve got some special effects. Check this.. [ waves her arms ] whoa! Awesome!

Sheldon: And, we added a window, just like on “The Today Show”.

[ camera pans over to the window, where students are making faces and acting childish ]

Megan: It’s awesome, you guys. Um.. the other main format change in the show, is that I am no longer in love with Randy Goldman.. [ reveals t-shirt with Randy’s face X’d out ] ..so, Randy, if you’re watching.. you don’t have to ignore me any more, because I don’t like you like that. But I do like your new haircut with the long pieces on the side – it’s awesome! Anyway.. our guest is the President of the Spanish Club. Some people say that she’s super stuck-up, but I don’t know, we’ll see.

Sheldon: Please welcome, Gretchen Doyle.

Gretchen Doyle: Hola. Hola coma esta.

Sheldon: Uh.. bien. Thank you. So, I understand there’s a Spanish Club dinner this Friday. Need one be a member to attend?

Gretchen Doyle: No. Todo sambien venudo. But you do have to speak Spanish the whole time. Nos tiennos, tacos y burritos, chips y salsa.

Megan: That’s cool. So you go out with Randy Goldman, huh?

Gretchen Doyle: Si.

Megan: So where’d you guys meet?

Gretchen Doyle: Nos sanchez hooked up a la fiesta de bar mitzvah mi amigo, Beth.

Megan: [ to Sheldon ] What did she say?

Sheldon: Uh.. I take Latin so I only understand the root words.

Megan: That’s cool. Uh, Gretchen, I have a question specifically pertaining to Spanish Club. When you and Randy Goldman kiss.. does it taste like Peach Jolly Ranchers.

Gretchen Doyle: Did you just have me on here to talk about Randy?

Megan: No.. wait.. what?

Sheldon: Uh, okay.. it’s 7:59, time to check in on our viewer window.

[ camera pans over to the window, where one student prepares to moon the camera. Mr. B. covers the glass with his clipboard ]

Mr. Banglian: Watch it! Okay, gang, there you go! Okay, come on! You can flash the moons on your own time! I think it’s pretty cool to, you know, put your thing up on the glass.. but it’s not appropriate for school. Hey kids, I just want to remind you, tomorrow is Juggle For Senior Citizens Day. We’re gonna have about twenty of the school’s best jugglers out by the track, juggling fruit. And.. then when they’re done, we’re gonna give all the bruised fruit to the elderly to eat.. so it’s good and soft. It’s a good cause, hope to see you there. This is Mr. B. saying, “Don’t be a playa hater, be an intramural sports participata!” That’s good, that’s what the kids say! Alright, be good, gang! [ moonwalks out ]

All: Bye, Mr. B..

Megan: So, Gretchen.. in conclusion, what’s it like being unbelievably awesome and perfect?

Gretchen Doyle: Dios mio, I am not perfect. Yo tego problemo, just like anybody else. I mean, my hair’s so naturally blonde, I can only wear pink or purple.

Sheldon: You.. you smell good.

Gretchen Doyle: Oh, thanks. Hey.. are you in my Honors English class.

Sheldon: Uh.. I’m in all your classes.

Gretchen Doyle: Oh.. right.

Randy Goldman: Hey, morning, Gretch.. I brought you some Toaster Strudels.

Gretchen Doyle: Thanks, Randy!

Megan: [ freezing up ] Oh, hey, Randy, I didn’t even see there.. that’s cool.. I was just hosting the show..!

Randy Goldman: Oh, hey, Melanie. how was your summer? [ exits with Gretchen ]

Megan: Oh, my summer was good.. My name’s not Melanie.. Hey, guys, wait up! [ runs over to the window ]

Sheldon: Um.. also.. one final announcement. Um.. lately, there’s been a big problem with certain people pushing certain other people into the second floor girl’s bathroom and holding the door shut, um.. making certain people late for orchestra class.. which happens to be certain people’s favorite class.. so.. let’s just keep that to a minimum. Back to you, Megan.

Megan: I am over here at the viewer window.. where Randy and Gretchen are totally making out..! That’s cool, I don’t even care! But if my heart had a mouth, and it could speak, it would say that I cherish you, Randy Wayne Goldman.. and, though in my life I may take many lovers, you will forever be my brown-eyed SFOC – Super Fox of the Century. [ singing ] “I want to stand with you on the mountains..”

Randy Goldman: I can totally hear you! This is plastic!

Megan: Ohhh.. that’s cool! I was just joshing! I know joshing’s not a word, but.. it’s all good! Well, that’s all the time we have.

Sheldon: Signing off, I’m Sheldon.

Megan: And I am now, and for always, the future Mrs. Randy Goldman. Sheldon, take it home.

[ Sheldon plays “Sunshine of My Love” on cello ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts