Camp X-Ray: U.S. Detainment Facility #240678129934-AH-29J
Hamid al-Sharif…..Horatio Sanz Vice President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: It’s magical. Where miles of white sand beaches are caressed by the warm, Caribbean breezes. Where is this wonderful place, you ask? It’s Camp X-Ray, the U.S. detainment facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Some may call it inhumane, but we call it a tropical incarceration paradise! Just ask Mr. Hamid al-Sharif of Detainment Area 16!
Hamid al-Sharif: Here at Camp X-Ray, we can pray and eat Froot Loops. The Caribbean breezes are intoxicating. Plus, we do not get raped.
Announcer: Enjoy the ocean view from the open-air detainment bungalows. Pamper yourself with a luxurious head and beard shaving and a full body de-lousing. Savor culturally sensitive meals, like cream cheese and bagels. And keep the government issue prayer-rug as our gift!
Dick Cheney: Take it from me, Dick Cheney, if I’m ever convicted of wrongdoings, I’d like to disclose this location as first-rate Caribbean imprisonment.
Announcer: So, why don’t you lay off on the humanitarian trick, world? These crazy bastards have it pretty nice down here, ok? Camp X-Ray: if it wasn’t for the cages, it would be Club Med.
THE PRECEDING WAS A PAID MESSAGE FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT
Jarret: Hey, whats up everybody, its me Jarret, comin to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Its freezing in here right now cause they turned the heat off. Check it out; the inside of my bong froze [holds up his bong, which has ice frozen inside] – a potsicle! We got a great show for you tonight, right now give it up for my man on the wheels of steel DJ Jonathan Finestein!
Jonathan Finestein: [in a British accent] Hello hello hello me warmies! This next mix is from my mate Kelsey Grammer! They just started showing Frasier on BBC 4 and its tops!
[plays Kylie Minogues Cant get you out of my head. then mixes it into the Frasier theme ]
Jonathan Finestein: Thats a blind cruball that one is, yeah!
Jarret: Hey dude, if youre from England, whats the queens name?
Jonathan Finestein: Shes the queen! Of England!
Jarret: No, whats her name?
Jonathan Finestein: Latifah?
Jarret: Thought so. Also joining us is my best friend and roommate, please welcome Gobi!
[Gobi enters, holding his breath, then lets it out]
Gobi: Oh, man! Four and a half minutes, dude! New record! [laughs hysterically]
Jarret: You held your breath for four and a half minutes?
Gobi: Yep, easy!
Jarret: Thats not good for you.
Gobi: Yeah man, I know. Its great!
Jarret: Oh, Gobi, did you get those t-shirts?
Gobi: Yeah, theyre right there.
Jarret: Cool stuff, man. Im so psyched! Last week me and Gobi got this great idea for t-shirts that were gonna sell around campus. Were gonna make a killing, dude!
Gobi: Ooh, check it out, check it out! [brings out one of the shirts and shows Jarret, who appears shocked]
Jarret: Dude, what is this? They were supposed to say Down with Osama bin Laden.
Gobi: Yeah thats what they say
Jarret: Dude, look.
[He reveals the shirt, which says Lets Get Down with Osama bin Laden ]
Jarret: [disappointed] This is terrible!
Gobi: Oh, wait. Dont panic, Ive got a great idea. Maybe Osama bin Laden will become cool and host his own dance party show! It would be GREAT! [laughs]
Jarret: I dont think its gonna happen, man. Anyway, my dads gonna kill me. Our next guest is the only person I know that is more messed up than Gobi, and for that reason, shes the love of his life. Please welcome, Summer!
[Summer enters, holding her breath, accompanied by Kylie Minogue music]
Summer: [exhausted, letting her breath out] Six minutes and ten seconds, man.
Gobi: [amazed] I love you!
Summer: Hey, Gobi.
Gobi: Hey, Summer! I just got Willy Wonka on DVD!
Summer: No way, man! My dads in the navy!
Jarret: For you at home, pay close attention. If you look carefully youll notice that Gobi and Summer can carry on an entire conversation and neither one has any idea what the other one is saying.
Gobi: Well, IT wrote that.
Summer: Well, at least its not red anymore.
Gobi: Hey, check my drivers license! My birthdays in February!
Summer: Okay, Im raking leaves, but thats just my opinion.
Gobi: [laughing] Aww man!
Jarret: Summer, what have you been up to this past semester?
Summer: Man, it was so awesome. Ive been totally following my favourite band, Phish around the country.
Jarret: Phish hasnt toured for over a year.
Summer: [confused] What what do you mean? Im gonna see them tonight!
[She passes Jarret a flyer, which he shows to the camera]
Jarret: This is a flyer from a Harlem Globetrotters game! Youve been following the Harlem Globetrotters around for a year!
Summer: Oh, thats why Phish kept beating the Washington Generals.
Gobi: Yeah, I got a bootlegger hat.
Summer: Course Id love some Count Chocula, yeah!
Gobi: I love you. I really love you.
Summer: I love you too.
Jarret: You are a lucky man, Gobi. A lucky, lucky man.
Gobi: Hey! Tell em bout the Super Bowl! [exits briefly]
Jarret: Oh, yeah! Tomorrow night, instead of watching some big, sweaty dudes grab each other, Gobi and I have created our own Super Bowl.
[Pan over to Gobi, who is making firing noises. He is holding what appears to be a very large bong, made out of a garbage can and pipes. He pretends to fire it as if it were a machine gun, then starts laughing]
Gobi: Look up in the sky! Its a bong! Its a pipe! Its
Jarret & Gobi: SUPER BOOOONG!
Jarret: We made it out of a trash can and some PVC piping. Gobi tested it out last week and passed out for three days.
Gobi: It was worth it, dude! It was worth it!
Jarret: Speaking of the Super Bowl, ever since the Rams were in it, my roommate Jeffs been locked in his room because he thinks hell jinx them if he leaves. Luckily, we still have our hidden camera in there. Lets see whats going on.
[Cut to footage of Jeffs room]
[Jeff stands near a Kurt Warner poster, gazing at him lovingly]
Jeff: Oh, Kurt Warner. Youre gonna do it this week, man, cause youre the best. [strokes the poster suggestively] I love you, man. [moves to Kurts crotch] Oh, I love you
[Cut back to Jarret, Gobi and Summer laughing]
Jarret: Thats all the time we have. DJ Johnathan Finestein, take us out with that mix!
[ open on Tiffany Lane skiing downhill at the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah, as a pair of Mormons slide into view around her ]
Mormon #1: Welcome to Utah!
Tiffany Lane: [ startled and confused ] Huh?
Mormon #2: Have you been to Salt Lake City before?
Tiffany Lane: Uh.. no.. but I-I-I can’t talk now!
Mormon #2: Do you know about the Church of Latter Day Saints?
Tiffany Lane: Uh.. I-I-I’m in a race..
Mormon #1: We’re all in a race, aren’t we! Have you accepted Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints?
Tiffany Lane: Are.. are you guys Mormons?
Mormon #2: Yes, we are! You sound interested! Would you like the Book of Mormon?
Tiffany Lane: No.. no, thanks.. I-I-I don’t want the Book of Mormon.. no thanks..
Mormon #1: The Book of Mormon was revealed to Joseph Smith in the form of two golden plates!
Mormon #2: Only Smith could read them!
Mormon #1: Yeah! Because, you see, he had the reading stones, which allowed him to translate the writing on the plates! [ pause ] What do you think, you in!
Tiffany Lane: What do I think? No!
Mormon #2: Would you like to be a Mormon!
Mormon #1: Would you!
Tiffany Lane: Get out of here!
Mormon #1: I know what you’re thinking – polygamy is over! No one has more than one wife any more! We simply don’t do it!
Mormon #2: I do it.
Mormon #1: A few of us still do it! But.. mainly no!
Mormon #2: When you convert to Mormonism, you can be one of my wives!
Mormon #1: Cool it, Young!
Mormon #2: I know what you mean, Young!
Tiffany Lane: Look.. I’m in a real important race, and I need to concentrate! I respect your religion and everything, but I don’t want to be a Mormon! Thank you!
Mormon #2: [ swallowing the information slowly ] Good luck in Hell.
Tiffany Lane: [ angry ] What?!
Mormon #1: He said, “Give ’em hell!” We’ll see you down at the bottom, now go win that race!
[ he pushes Tiffany down the slope as all three of them disappear from camera view ]
[ wide shot of Tiffany skiing faster down the hill ot the end ]
Announcer: An amazing burst of speed there at the end, and it looks like Tiffany Lane has done it! Lisa Grani is standing by with the winner. Lisa?
[ cut to Lisa Grani reporting, as Tiffany skis to a stop in front of her ]
Lisa Grani: Wow. Coming through the middle there, things looked rough. But somehow you really picked it up at the end.
Tiffany Lane: [ out of breath ] Yeah.. it was a tough race.. it was kind of weird up there..
Mormon Reporter: I heard you had a lot of help from the Church of Latter Day Saints
Tiffany Lane: Uh.. not really.. those Mormon guys kind of messed me up..
Mormon Reporter: Right! So you dedicate the victory to the Church of Latter Day Saints! Another great Mormon victory!
Tiffany Lane: Hey! Wait! I didn’t –
Mormon Reporter: Yes, you did! You said, “Thanks, Mormons!” And then you said, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Bigfoot & Neil Diamond
Bigfoot…The Rock Neil Diamond…Will Ferrell
[Shaky, distant Bigfoot video plays under voiceover]
Announcer (V/O): Bigfoot. One of the most enduring mysteries of thetwentieth century. Is this elusive creature a remnant from aprehistoric past? Could he be the lost link to the origins of allmankind?
[Fade in on Bigfoot, standing with a microphone in one hand]
Bigfoot: Hi! I’m Bigfoot. And that was me way back in 1968. Okaynow, a lot has changed since those days, and I know, I know, I know,Bigfoot has gained a few [he pats his stomach], but one thing thathasn’t changed…is great music.
“Let the sunshine, Let the sunshine, The sunshine in.”
Ah, you remember that one? Well, I sure do. And if there’s one thingthat lurking in the forest has taught me, it’s a love of classicaltunes. You know, the good old stuff! Back when music really meantsomething! That’s why I’m releasing my very special two-CD set ofclassic duets — with my very good friend Mr. Neil Diamond, everybody!
[Neil Diamond enters, and he and Bigfoot embrace]
Bigfoot: Alright, Neil!
Neil Diamond: Hello, everybody!
Bigfoot: Yeah!
Neil Diamond: I’m Neil Diamond. When Bigfoot asked me to record analbum with him, I said, “Name the time and the place, I’ll be thereyesterday.” I tell you, this kid’s got pipes so sweet, it almostmakes you forget the truly astounding amounts of feces matted into hishair. Listen to this little gem. Hit it, Foot!
Bigfoot: “The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,”
Neil Diamond: “Little Boy scabally dabally doo,”
Bigfoot: “When you coming home, Son, I don’t know when,”
Neil Diamond: “Bee skabba dabba then, a boo lalla baba then.” Yeah,the good stuff! And you can hear that and more on:
[Insert shot of album cover]
Neil Diamond: “All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Neil Diamondand Bigfoot.”
[Cut back to Bigfoot and Neil]
Bigfoot: Hey, but watch out! ‘Cause no one gets aboard our freedomtrain without shakin’ that caboose! Isn’t that what they say, Neil!
Neil Diamond: You said it, Bigfoot! You said it!
[Bigfoot begins dancing around as Neil continues]
Neil Diamond: Listen, folks, I’m gonna be honest. I’m not sure if anyof this is real. I am stoned out of my gourd right now. I have beensince that night about two weeks ago when I was hanging out behind theburned-out Shoney’s and I ran into that weird guy. You know the one– looks like a black version of Richard Mulligan. Anyway, long storyshort, that joker slipped me what was supposed to be a harmlessmega-dose of LSD and donkey laxatives.
Bigfoot: Oh, you were always a character, Neil!
Neil Diamond: Ha ha ha! Seriously, I have no idea what’s going onright now. I’m pretty sure I’m in my basement right now, talking tomy water heater. And I know I didn’t record this album. But order itanyway, and you’ll hear Bigfoot and me sing hits like this: “I’ve seenfire and I’ve seen rain,”
Bigfoot: “I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end,”
Neil Diamond: “Oh, I sold a human foot to some Chinese dudes in a van,”
Bigfoot and Neil Diamond: “But I always thought that I’d see you…”
Neil Diamond: “Bigfoot…”
Bigfoot and Neil Diamond: “One more time again.”
[Bigfoot and Neil laugh]
Bigfoot: I only hope you’ve had as much fun listening to these tracksas Neil and I did making them.
Neil Diamond: That’s right, Steve Winwood! [he looks around] Cansomeone confirm if this is real or not? Anyone? No? Never mind!”Monday, Monday!” Go!
Bigfoot: “Monday, Monday,”
Neil Diamond: Yeah!
Bigfoot: “So good to me.”
Neil Diamond: “I swear I’m gonna kill Black Richard Mulligan if I getmy hands on him.”
Neil Diamond: “I’m now eighty percent sure it was a dream when I ate that kid.”
Bigfoot: So take it from me, old Bigfoot!
Neil Diamond: And me, Steve Winwood! Hey, if you ever find me asleepin the back seat of your car, just let me sleep, all right? Maybe buyme an Egg McMuffin on your way into work — I’ll pay you back, youlousy douchebag! I’m good for it, all right? Especially if thisalbum is for real, right, Bigfoot?
Bigfoot: Hey, that’s right, old friend!
Neil Diamond: [suddenly angry] You do not talk to me like that, waterheater! I’m Neil Diamond!
Bigfoot: Hey, can we get this guy a doctor? Can we get this guy a doctor?
[Neil begins yelling incoherently]
[Cut back to a shot of the album cover, with ordering information]
Announcer (V/O): If you want to take a chance that any of this ishappening, order now! Just send $19.95 to Bigfoot, care of NeilDiamond’s water heater, behind the burned-out Shoney’s.
Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan Female Alien…..Britney Spears
Astronaut Jones: This is Astronaut Jones. I’m on the planet Porpula. There seems to be no one around. Over. I’ll keep looking. Over. Maybe there’s.. danger.
Jingle: “Rocket I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket into outer space. Goodbye, human race I’ll be there soon.
Blast off! For fun and adventure. There’s a fair adventure collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way on the ol’ space highway. That’s why they all say “There goes Astronaut Jones!”
Hey!”
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”. Tonight’s episode: Episode 16, The Creature From Porpula.
Astronaut Jones: [ into walkie-talkie ] Hello, Earth? I think I hear someone coming. I’m going to make contact. Over and out, Earth. Bye.
Female Alien: Earthling, my name is Krugella..
Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.
Female Alien: I’m the Queen of Perillians..
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Female Alien: A proud and peace-loving race..
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Female Alien: My people have been awaiting your arrival for some time now.
Astronaut Jones: Stay word.
Female Alien: We’re in desperate need of your help.
Astronaut Jones: Dig it.
Female Alien: The Galaxians have seized our cities and plundered our riches.
Astronaut Jones: What?
Female Alien: They will stop at nothing until our whole cizilization is..
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.
Female Alien: ..blotted from the universe.
Astronaut Jones: Say what.
Female Alien: You’re our only hope.
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Female Alien: You must help us..
Astronaut Jones: Dig.
Female Alien: ..or we will surely perish.
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.
Female Alien: What do you say?
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Female Alien: What do you say to that, Great One?
Astronaut Jones: Well, why don’t you drop out of that green jumpsuit and show me that phat ass!
Jingle: “Rocket I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase Hey, look out, Moon!”
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.
Announcer: Next, on HBO: Go behind the scenes with musical superstars Gemini’s Twin, in their highly-anticipated feature film debut: “Damn My Dixie’s On Fire.” Next, on HBO: First Look.
[ dissolve to Gemini’s Twin sitting on the set of their film ]
Joanette: Yo, yo, yo! Gemini’s Twin makin’ our first movie!
together: First movie, first movie! First movie!
Britanica: Yeah, well basically our reason for writin’ this movie is so we can be in it.
Joanette: Yeah.
Dijonaise: I thought the Civil War was a real historical time in our history.
Britanica; Mmm-hmm.
Joanette: Plus, we wanted to wear these big ol’ skirts! Know what I’m sayin’?
Dijonaise: Yeah.
Britanica: Yeah.
Joanette: Yeah, ‘cuz see, what we was tryin’ to do here was create a new groundbreakin’ genre – the hip-hop epic.
Britanica: Mmm-hmm. The hip-hop-a-pop.
Joanette: Yeah, it’s a new form.
[ dissolve to Spuzz ]
Announcer: Directed by their collaborator, choreographer and friend – Spuzz.
Spuzz: Yeah, I directed the Twins in four videos. Most recently, “Planet of Mens”. And, uh, when they axed me to do dem “My Dixie’s On Fire”, I was all, “Cool! Let’s twist the shizzy up and get all freaky-deaky.” And, uh.. I think you can really see that attitude in the bell tower scenes.
[ dissolve to the belfry scene in the movie, alone in the belfry ]
Dijoanise: Who dat is?
[ Joanette and Britanica enter the belfry ]
Britanica: Ooh. I didn’t expect nobody to be here.
Joanette: Ooh, what are you doin’ up here in dis bel-free?
Together: [ singing ] “I said! B to the E to the L to the F to the R to the Y! Belfry!”
Dijoanise: Just chillin’, what’chy’all doin’?
Joanette: Just chillin’.
Britanica: Chillin’. Mindin’ my own bidness.
Joanette: Yeah.
Dijoanise: Can y’all keep a secret?
Joanette: Mmm-hmm.
Dijonaise: War is hard.
Joanette: Mmm-hmm..
Britanica: Yeah! And it’s boring, too.
Joanette: I can’t wait until the war is over in 1865.
Dijonaise: Y’all I’m hungry! I could go for some chicken-fried steak and biscuits!
Britanica: Are you crazy! It’s wartime!
Joanette: You ain’t gonna git no biscuits!
[ dissolve to Brian Glazer, Producer ]
Brian Glazer: This is what producers do. We put things together. First of all, you’ve got the Civil War, which is awesome! Completely it’s own thing! And I go, “What else is hot?” Gemini’s Twin! Lot of heat, a lot of buzz, my daughter loves them. And you know what? The bet script my assisant has ever read!
[ dissolve to Gemini’s Twin giving an interview on their set ]
Joanette: Okay, like, my character, she a Quaker. We call her Lil’ Q. Mmm-hmm. But what’s complex about her is that she has a eating disorder.
Britanica: Yeah. And I play a nurse who goes crazy, and eventually loses her mind.
Dijonaise: I play a runaway slave whose name is Ungawa.
Britanica: Yeah. ‘Cuz I wasn’t gonna do that.
Dijonaise: No, and the cool thing about her is that, by a certain part of the movie, she turns deaf.
Britanica: Yeah.
Joanette: Mmm-hmm. But, luckily, she can still hear.
Britanica: Yeah. So she does Sign Language, ‘cuz it look good.
Dijonaise: Look, y’all, I can play a rainbow. [ signs for “rainbow” ]
Together: [ singing ] “Rain-bowwwwwww!”
Dijonaise: Ungawa!
[ dissolve to Diane Warren, Songwriter ]
Diane Warren: I had written “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from “Armageddon”, and “For You I Will” from “Space Jam”, and “Get Under the Table, Quick!” from “Twister”. Um.. so, when Brian approached me to work on the music from “Damn, My Dixie”, it was a no-brainer. I mean, to have the opportunity to work with such powerhouses as Gemini’s Twin. I immediately dashed to my drum machine and whipped out “Dance Nation Proclamation”.
[ dissolve to another scene from “Damn, My Dixie’s On Fire”, Ungawa doing sign language ]
Joanette: What is that deaf girl doin’ with her hands?
Britanica: Girl, I think she’s saying her man is cheatin’ on her!
Joanette: Oohh.. and you know what I say when there’s cheatin’.
Dijonaise: Frankly, my girl..
Together: ..we don’t give a damn!!
[ they drop their big skirts and break into dance moves ]
Joanette: [ singing ] “You bin throwin’ orders like you were some boss Now you ain’t gettin’ none of this barbecue sauce!”
Britanica: “You bin actin’ all cruel, you bin mean So you’d better keep your corn out of my baked beans!”
Dijoanise: “Puttin’ on your cheese like you was a yuppie Boy, you better watch out, I’m gonna kick you in the..”
Together: “Hush puppies!
Yeah!
“You bin actin’ like a jerk, what in tarnation My daddy’s gonna throw your butt off of this plantation!
Goin’ down south-south-south-south Goin’ down south-south-south-south Goin’ down south-south-south-south Goin’ down south-south-south-south..”
President George W. Bush: Over the past several weeks, Americans have followed events in the Middle East with a growing sense of alarm. As the violence continues to escalate, many wonder if peace can ever come to that troubled part of the world. But two things are certain. As long as Israel lives with the threat of suicide bombings, it will have the right to defend itself. And as long as these terrorists are encouraged by Arab states pledging money to their families and by misguided religious leaders promising them instant martyrdom, there will be more suicide bombers. That’s why tonight, I’m offering a new proposal. Not to Prime Minister Sharon or to Chairman Arafat, but to the suicide bombers instead. First thing Monday morning, I urge you to stop by any American consulate with your explosives belt and tell us how much the Saudis have promised your family. We will not only beat that offer, but we will also let you trade that explosives belt for a new cell-phone from Nokia or Motorola.
Now, you may ask, what about the 72 virgins I’ve been promised? In all honesty, that is an offer that, for logistical reasons, we are just not able to match. But what if, instead of 72 women, you had your choice of literally hundreds of women? Beautiful, horny women? Eager to talk to you by phone about whatever you want, whenever you want, as long as you want, for the rest of your life? You can talk to “Out of Control College Girls”, “Nasty Housewives”, or “Hot To Trot Dancers.” Perhaps you prefer more demanding women. Some of these girls think that members of Hizbullah are very bad boys who need to be punished. Or, if you’re confused about your sexuality, which, frankly, is often the case with suicide bombers, why not enjoy the best of both worlds by talking to our mind-blowing “Gender Benders?” And female suicide bombers will enjoy sharing their fantasies with the men of the “New York Tool Company,” who coincidently, are willing to take calls from other men, as well.
Now, perhaps you are thinking this sounds great, but are all of these girls really virgins? (looks around nervously) Yes. Yes, they are all virgins. Every single one of them. In addition, they are all fluent in Arabic, all extremely horny, and all favor a Palestinian state. So, it’s a good deal. Best of all, you don’t have to blow yourself up to talk to them. And what does this service cost you, you ask? Absolutely nothing. That’s right. So that, in essence, is the Bush/Cheney/Guccioni peace plan. Some will say it is too ambitious, others will find it morally questionable, still others will object to it on grounds of “trashiness” and “vulgarity.” But to this administration, it is just the kind of bold, new approach; the outside of the box thinking that could jump start the peace process and get it back on track. So I suggest we give it a chance.
Thank you and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Waitress: I work two jobs – I don’t have time to do taxes.
Businessman: Delay? Depreciation? Why does it have to be so complicated?
Spokesman: Problems with your last-minute filings? We understand. We’re Arthur Andersen. And for the first time ever, we’re bringing our years of corporate expertise to you, the individual taxpayer.
Businesswoman: Arthur Andersen helped me build my craft shop into a billion dollar business – on paper. I was able to cash out long before my employee caught on. Right, Consuela?
Housekeeper: [ confused ] Que?
Spokesman: Until now, Andersen made sure many of our corporate clients like Enron paid little or no tax at all – shifting the burdon to you, Joe Taxpayer. [ chuckles ] Sorry about that. Times change, though. And now we’re setting up offices all over the country to help you.
Businesswoman: Arthur Andersen helped me ship my products to the Cayman Islands. Now I don’t pay a penny towards parks, police or schools – just like big corporations.
Businessman: Thanks to Andersen, I get huge credits for drilling and exploration. And that is not a sex joke.
Spokesman: Arthur Andersen is the first tax firm ever indicted for obstruction of justice, and we’re pretty proud of that. And we’re committed to bringing that level of criminal deceit to each and every client.
Waitress: I forgot to report my tips.
Spokesman: Hmm.. well, guess what? [ drops tip sheet into paper shredder ] So did we! [ laughs ]
If saving you money is a crime, we at Arthur Andersen plead guilty.
Voiceover: Arthur Andersen does not plead guilty to fraud, obstruction of justice, or any other pending charges.
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan Bill Callahan…..Jimmy Fallon Denny McClain……The Rock
[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]
Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)
[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]
Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! I’m Brian Fellow! Tonight we are gonna meet some animals that are exciting and enjoy a good time. So let’s get going! Our first guest enjoys singing and being in a cage. Please welcome a parrot!!
(Bill Callahan enters with a parrot in a cage.)
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Bill Callahan: Well I’m Bill Callahan from the Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.
Brian Fellow: The what?
Bill Callahan: The….Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.
Brian Fellow: Is that in Newport?
Bill Callahan: (obviously confused) Yes. Yes it is.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Bill Callahan: Brian, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine. He’s an Amazon Yellow Nape that goes by the name of Baily. What do ya’ say, Baily?
Parrot: Hello!
Brian Fellow: That bird just talked!
Bill Callahan: That’s right, the parrot is able to mimic human speech patterns.
Brian Fellow: That’s crazy!
Parrot: Hello!
Brian Fellow: He just did it again!
Bill Callahan: You know, Baily and I are big fans of the show, and we worked up a special treat for you. Would you like to see it?
Brian Fellow: Would I?
Bill Callahan: (not knowing how to respond)…..Hey pretty bird, hey pretty bird! Who are you?
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: (upset) That bird is a liar!
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: He’s startin’ to make me mad! He better shut up!
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: NO YOU’RE NOT!
Bill Callahan: Hey, I’m- I’m sorry, I taught him how to say that, I thought you would like it.
Brian Fellow: He’s an imposter, cause I’M Brian Fellow!
Parrot: I’M Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: That’s it, take him away! This is my show! That bird is not funny, and I better not see him again! (To camera) Hopefully we will fix this in editing! (He then makes a weird hand motion which receives much laughter from the audience.) Our next guest eats crickets and can be seen in a horror movie. Please welcome a tarantula!
(The Rock walks in with a tarantula in a cage)
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Denny McClain: I’m Denny McClain and I’m from the Exotic Animals Exhibit at the Detroit Zoo.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Oh, howdy Brian. I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is Quinton.
Brian Fellow: That’s one fuzzy bug.
Denny McClain: Well actually he’s an adult Brown Desert tarantula.
Brian Fellow: If I had a bug like that, I’d make a coat out of him!
Denny McClain: (confused) Actually, that wouldn’t be a good idea, because his tiny hairs are irritant to human skin.
Brian Fellow: Did you see that loud mouth bird?
(Denny nods his head)
Brian Fellow: I don’t know what he told you, but he is NOT Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Um, I di-didn’t talk to the bird.
Brian Fellow: No matter what he says, he is not my doppleganger!
Denny McClain: Wh-What’s a doppleganger?
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Yes, and I’m Denny, and we’re here talking about my tarantula, Quinton.
Brian Fellow: Now I understand that in order to grow, a spider must molt. Tell us about that.
Denny McClain: Thats right. That’s right Brian, like a snake a spider has to shed its skin to grow larger. Now what happens-
(The “loud mouth parrot” is seen above Brian Fellow’s head in a thought bubble talking on a phone)
Parrot: I want a new stereo with a tape player and really big speakers sent to my birdhouse! And send me the bill! I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: Hang up that phone!
Denny McClain: Sc-Scuse me?
Brian Fellow: That bird was tryin’ to buy a stereo with my credit card!
Denny McClain: Um, of course he is. Uh, now-now as I was saying, during the molting process the tarantula is extremely vulnerable to prey.
Brian Fellow: That bird better PRAY he don’t screw up my credit!
Denny McClain: What are you talking about?
Brian Fellow: I’m just gonna go get a BB gun and shoot that bird’s eyes out!
Denny McClain: L-L-Look I don’t think you have to worry about that bird impersonating you.
Brian Fellow: Really?
Denny McClain: Yeah, really.
Brian Fellow: I guess you’re right.
(The bird appears above his head again)
Parrot: Hello, QVC? This is Brian Fellow. I want to buy a birdcage with bars made of solid gold! My credit card number is five four eight four-
Brian Fellow: Stop it!!
Denny McClain: Now what?
Brian Fellow: You don’t know anything about birds, mister!…..Well we’re out of time. I want to thank that fuzzy bug for coming by but not the bird! Join me next week when we will meet a pot-bellied pig. That sounds crazy! I’m Brian Fellow!
Parrot: (in background) I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: I’m gonna kill that motha-(and he leaves the set)
