Ian McKellen: Thank you, thank you very much indeed! Well, here we all are. And here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Why, you might ask. And all through these rehearsals, I’ve been asking myself the same thing, actually. You know, A classical actor, used to doing Stremberg and Chekhov and Skakespeare – plays that have been around for centuries – and here I am performing work that’s only been around since yesterday afternoon. Now, honestly, they’re still writing some of the scripts right now! I guess so it’s not too obvious.
People are always telling me I should do more comedy. Well, this show will show them – they’ll never ask that again! To think I could be sunning myself in Los Angeles waiting for the Oscars; or be at home in London seeing my 95-year old stepmother, who I don’t get to see often enough; or I could be on holiday with my boyfriend in New Zealand, there’s a thought. But, now, I’m here. Here in New York doing “Saturday Night Live”. Basically, it’s just vanity, I suppose. But I love this troupe of players, this company, the regulars on “Saturday Night Live”. Especially that Jimmy Fallon, isn’t he cute! most hosts get around to thanking the cast at the end of the show, I think it’s worth thanking them right now, because I need them on my side.
I’m not sure they realize they’re part of a very old theater tradition – it’s called Review. Did you know Maggie Smith – Dame Maggie – started off in review when she was a kid. She’s still brilliant at one-liners – if you’ve seen her in “Gosford Park”, you know what I mean. And when Maggie and I were starting out, she dragged my hero, Laurence Olivier, to come and see me act in London. And subsequently put me into his national theater company, along with a young actor called Anthony Hopkins. And who would have thought that after all those years in the classics, Dame Maggie would end up being best known as the Harry Potter Lady, Tony Hopkins best known for eating people’s faces, and they’d make me into an action figure! I love my action figures, I play with them all day long.
Anyway! It’s really, really fun and great to be here, I feel really welcomed. Unlike the St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York City, where they don’t exactly encourage openly gay men. They don’t seem to mind the priests, though, do they? Hey, look, forget the parade, we’ve got a great show, and I’m gonna have a ball, and so are you, because my fave disco diva is here – Kylie Minogue! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Thanks! Thank you so much! It’s so great to be here! I’m having so much fun this week! I hosted once before, but this week has been really extra-special to me because one of my best friends is on the show now, and I’m so proud of her. We’ve known each other since we were seven years old, and she’s super-funny and talented, and I’m so glad she’s in the cast. Her name is Maya Rudolph! Maya, come out here!
Maya Rudolph: [ appears onstage ] Hey!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Isn’t this crazy!
Maya Rudolph: I know, this is so crazy! But it’s great, it’s great!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Here’s our class picture in 5th grade – this is real. [ picture is shown onscreen ] There’s Maya, and I’m the one on the right.
Maya Rudolph: Look, there’s Mary!
Gwyneth Paltrow: And there’s our friend Mary – she’s here tonight, too – she’s in the middle.
Maya Rudolph: Oh, look at our hair! Our dads are also best friends from college, and they’re watching us together tonight. Hi, Dad!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Hi, Daddy! The last time, actually, our dads saw us on stage together was in 5th grade, when we were in the class play “The Nightengale”.
Maya Rudolph: That’s right! You played the beautiful nightengale, and I played the maid. That was fun!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah! Gosh, and now here we are.
Maya Rudolph: I know, this is unbelievable! It’s almost like I’m hosting with you.
Gwyneth Paltrow: [ hesitates ] Yeah..
Maya Rudolph: I’m sorry, should I go?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, no, no.. totally, stay up here!
Maya Rudolph: Are you sure?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah.. yeah..
[ awkward pause ]
Maya Rudolph: So, we sure had a lot of fun back then, huh?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah. But then, when we 11, I had to move here to New York.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah. And then, later, your career just took off, and I went to school in Santa Cruz. So, that worked out for both of us.
Gwyneth Paltrow: But now you’re doing so great! And we get to be in a sketch together!
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, that’s right!
Gwyneth Paltrow: I play Britney Spears.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, you are hysterical in that!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, youre in the scene, too!
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I play the maid. It’s pretty cool. Hey! Remember when you won the Oscar for “Shakespeare In Love”, and I called you and I told you how proud I was of you?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh yes, that was so sweet. Oh, remember when you had that little part on that black doctors show?
Maya Rudolph: “City of Angels”.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, yeah! And you called me and asked me if I was proud of you!
Maya Rudolph: [ pause ] Hey. You know what, don’t we have another picture of us that we can look at? [ another picture is shown ] Oh, my God!
Gwyneth Paltrow: There’s our friend Mary again, in the middle!
Maya Rudolph: Look at us! Look at the way we’re dressed! What were we thinking? I have purple acid-wash jeans on. We were really jacked pu that day because we had just seen “Flashdance”.
Gwyneth Paltrow: [ laughing ] Oh, my God! Remember how really into that movie we were?
Maya Rudolph: Yep.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Remember how we sang that song for our 6th grade talent show, and totally bombed?
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we did. You want to take another shot at it?
Together: [ singing ] “First when there’s nothing But a slow glowing dream That your fear seems to hide Deep inside your mind.
All alone I have cried Silent tears full of pride In a world made of steel, Made of stone.
What a feeling. Bein’s believin’. I can have it all, now I’m dancing for my life..”
Gwyneth Paltrow: We have a great show for you tonight! Ryan Adams is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hello, how you doing? Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. And here are tonights top stories.
Actor Robert Blake was arrested Thursday night for the murder of his wife, Bonnie Lee Bakely, who was shot 11 months ago outside of a Los Angeles restaurant. Blake started his career as Mickey in The Little Rascals and now will end it in prison as Spanky.
Erica Green, a 20 year old woman from Tegular, Georgia was one of the 3 winners in this weeks 320 million dollar lottery jackpot. Green says she doesnt know what she will do with the money but something tells me world’s biggest jello-shot is on the list.
Jimmy Fallon: Sidenote: Erica is 20 years old, cute as a button, this is the first time in her life that she every purchased a lottery ticket, and she only bought one ticket, and she won 58 million dollars (long pause). If your still watching right about now it means you havent kicked in your television set. Congratulations, you have passed the Weekend Update Anger Management test.
This past weekend Al Gore delivered a fiery speech criticizing President Bushs economic policies. Unfortunately he gave the speech into a hairbrush in front of his hallway mirror.
The Fox network announced that it is cancelling Ally McBeal after this season. Star Calista Flockhart says that the end of the show leaves her to try something risky, like a bagel.
Tina Fey: Fox executives said that they decided to cancel the show–
(Ally McBeal runs onto the stage)
Ally McBeal: Hi Jimmy, Hi Tina.
Jimmy Fallon: How are you?
Ally McBeal: How do you think I am? I cant believe I am getting dumped by America. You used to love my short skirts and imperatively skinny little body, but now youve have enough? Well A-a-a-America (makes face expressions), you re not breaking up with me, I am breaking up with you! I-I-I-I am a successful woman, no, no, no, a successful person, and just trying to do whats right, and yes maybe sometime along the way finding someone I can fall i-i-in love with, and maybe, yes maybe occasionally have hot sex with a regular, successful, attractive man whose not going to go crazy (shakes head frantically) on me! (Ally grabs Jimmy and kisses him, slaps him on the face then walks off)
Jimmy Fallon: Ally McBeal everyone.
The Al Jazeera network have obtained yet another tape from Osama Bin Laden that they aired on Thursday. Oh yeah? Well NBC had back to back “Frasier”s. Welcome to the big leagues guys!
Researches at Johns Hopkins University have evidence that links red meat consumption to prostate cancer. They made the discovery after noticing that John Madden is 95% tumour.
Jenny Wood-Allen, a 90 year old Scottish woman completed the London marathon Sunday. Allen said she remembers leaving her house in the morning to get some milk and then getting very lost.
500 students at a college in Georgia signed a petition protesting nudity in a school production of The Grapes of Wrath which includes a scene where a woman breast-feeds a starving man. However all 500 signatures on the petition are from guys who unsuccessfully auditioned for starving man.
Tina Fey: Spiderman one of the most anticipated movies of the year will be hitting theatres May 3rd. Producers raised eyebrows with their casting if Tobey Maguire as the famed web-slinger. Here now with a preview of the movie is Tobey Maguire.
Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Thanks Tina. I am happy to report that Spiderman is an action packed, adrenaline rush. I just saw final edit and my heart cant stop pounding. While some question if Im the right casting for an action film I think anybody who has seen my work in Wonderboys or the Ice Storm or Cider House Rules would agree that the name Tobey Maguire is anonymous with high acting thrills. Now to psych you up even more Id like to sing the Spiderman theme song.
(even slower) Spiderman, Spiderman (he begins mouthing words without talking)
Tina Fey: Tobey. Tobey if your saying something we cant hear you.
Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Sorry Tina. Sometimes I lack the energy to expel words from my mouth. (he pulls a mirror out and stares at it)
Tina Fey: Tobey Tobey what is that?
Tobey Maguire: (puts the mirror down and talks slowly) Its a mirror. My doctor told me to hold it to my face every 10 minutes to make sure Im still breathing.
Tina Fey: And? Are you?
Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Nope Spiderman May 3rd Cath the excite ment.
Tina Fey: Tobey Maguire everyone.
Just one day after opening the new London musical Chitty, chitty bang, bang they had to cancel a performance due to mechanical difficulties. When asked how he felt when having to cancel a performance, the director said Chitty.
Joy Behar from “The View” is participating in an 8 week get fit plan to be chronicled on the show. Now I considered doing a Star Jones joke here but I got worried shed bust through this map wall like the Kool-Aid man and kick my ass.
Abercrombie and Fitch pulled the line of T-shirts featuring Asian stereotypes because of a protest staged by Asian-Americans. The protest was non-violent and orderly but the same can not be said about the parking lot when they all went to drive home.
A 1.6 million dollar stratus bury violin was stolen from a musician in New York City. The thief is said to be armed and extremely classy.
Tina Fey: Next week is take your child to work week so tonight I have brought my daughter to work. Please welcome, Savannah Dakota Fey.
Savannah: Yo, how long do I have to stay here?
Tina Fey: Okay, I just thought youd like to see where mommy works.
Savannah: This place is weak, yo.
Tina Fey: How is your boyfriend, Marcus?
Savannah: You’re such a racist mom!
Tina Fey: Savannah thats not why I dislike him, okay Savannah, he stole my microwave!!
Savannah: He needed it for his band. God, seriously mom, dont start with me today.
Tina Fey: Im not starting with you. Savannah I–
Savannah: Nobody calls me Savannah. I go by S-Dog yo.
Tina Fey: Okay, S-Dog then.
Savannah: Oh, god, dont you use it!
Tina Fey: Fine, well do you wanna read a joke?
Savannah: Fine. Last week in the news a politician said something boring and then you were like What? Blah, blah, blah.
Tina Fey: Savannah, why do you do that? Your perfectly capable of reading that joke. Charlie Grandee wrote you a perfectly good joke.
Savannah: Im not funny! Im not like you okay, Ill never be like you!!
Tina Fey: Do you take ecstasy?
Savannah: What do you care? You aint never home.
Tina Fey: Mommy works 2 jobs!!
Savannah: Oh, you always embarrass me, you told the guys from P.O.D. we were going bra shopping? I will never forgive you! I cant believe you!
Tina Fey: So you can have your graver sneakers and your I-Pods so you can go to your Tony Hawk Skateboard parties, just because I am never with you doesnt not mean I am a bad mother.
(they argue those things, talking at the same time, but Tina stops)
Savannah: WHY WONT YOU TELL ME WHO MY FATHER IS?
Tina Fey: For the last time, you father is a married network executive.
Jimmy Fallon: Hey Savannah. You wanna know a secret? I wear jeans under here, I dont even have a whole suit, isnt that weird?
Savannah: Save it. Im not into white dudes, yo.
Jimmy Fallon: Tina I wasnt hitting on her, I swear.
Tina Fey: You know, you cant win Jimmy, dont worry about it. Savannah Fey everybody.
Savannah: I HATE YOU ALL! (Tina hits her on the arm before Savannah leaves)
Finally tonight, former Van Halen singers David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar announced that they will be teaming up for a 21 city concert tour this Summer. In order to make the most money as possible in this tour, admission will be free, but it will cost $500 to leave early.
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Jimmy throws his pencil into the audience and then someone throws it back to him)
Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.
President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I’m very happy to be back in this country, after my very successful trip in the Pacific Rim. I’m heartened to hear that, for the most part, the people of this country show strong support for my agenda. However, lately, there are some who are beginning to criticize this administration. Maybe these people don’t understand – America is presently at war. Not just a war on terrorism; but we are engaged in a deadly stand-off with an Axis of Evil. You know who I’m talking about – Iran, Iraq, and one of the Koreas.
But my Axis of Evil doesn’t seem to interest the people out there. Some people just want to talk about the economy, and budgets, and Enron. I bet most of you out there don’t even understand Enron. I sure as heck don’t! It hurts my head to think about it. So, from now on, Enron will be part of my Axis of Evil. I don’t want to hear anything else about Enron, unless our military has pounded it into submission. So, look out, Enron – you’re now part of the
So is the Economy. I don’t like the way this economy is acting; not very American, it’s evil! The economy is now a part of my Axis of Evil.
Also, I don’t like Sen. Tom Daschle. You know why? He’s very critical. You know where that leads him? You got it. He’s now part of the Axis of Evil.
So, a quick recap – that’s Iran, Iraq, Enron, the Economy, and Daschle, and one of those Koreas. They all form a terrible Axis of Evil, standing in the way of all that we as Americans value.
And don’t forget France. The French don’t like me saying “Axis of Evil”, so guess what? They’re now a part of the very same Axis of Evil that they don’t like me saying. How do you like them apples, France? Next time, you keep your mouth shut. You mess with Texas, and it’s straight to the Axis of Evil, got it?
Germany, Italy, Japan – they were the original Axis of Evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn’t. They’re back in!
Here’s one you probably didn’t expect – Dick Cheney. Now, he’s up to something, and I don’t like it! He’s never around. If I’m in the White House, he’s not. If I’m on a plane, nowhere in sight. He’s very sneaky; not to mention, scary. I’m putting him in the Axis of Evil – for now.
Evil Knievel’s going in the Axis of Evil – but that’s a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil? No; he makes me laugh, so he’s out.
So, you see, America? There’s nothing to fear. Everything’s fine. You go out and buy your new cars, fly on airplanes, and invest in K-Mart. Don’t listen to what the economists say. Why? Because they like math, and math is very much a part of the Axis of Evil.
And you know what else is part of the Axis of Evil? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ dissolve to Officers entering Gator’s white trash kitchen ]
Officer: Police. We got a call about a domestic disturbance.
Gator: Come on in. She won’t come out of the stove.
Officer: Ma’am, why are you in the stove?
Gator’s Wife: Why don’t you ask him. Why don’t you ask him why I’m in the stove.
Gator: She got mad at me ’cause I wanted to do an experiment on her. She been in there for like four hours.
Officer: Ma’am, you ready to come out here and talk this out?
Gator’s Wife: …yeah.
Officer: Do you want to step out of the stove, please?
Gator’s Wife: Okay, I’ll get out of the stove. I’m sorry about this, Officer. Baby, c’mere, honey. I love you… I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SON OF A WHORE! I’M GONNA KILL YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!
Officer: Calm down. Calm down. Alright. Now what’s the story here?
Gator’s Wife: He come home drunk again trying to do some experiment. Some fool at work told him you could rub a balloon on somebody’s head and stick it to the wall.
Gator: It’s called static electricity!
Gator’s Wife: THAT AIN’T REAL!
Officer: Ma’am, static electricity IS real. It’s as real as toothpaste. You should learn about them both.
Gator’s Wife: All I know is, he started searching around lookin’ fer a balloon fer his experiment. Starts going through my boudoirsorie, finds an old condom of mine from like ten years ago and starts going nuts!
Gator: YOU WAS HAVIN’ SEX WITH JESSE AGAIN!
Gator’s Wife: YOU’RE SO STUPID! JESSE HATES CONDOMS! C’mon!
Gator: Officer. Officer. I apologize on behalf of the lady. The truth of the matter is, she’s jealous of my experiments. ‘Cause I’m always thinking about science. I love science. And outer space….and rockets. I believe man is destined to evolve.
Officer: Well, some men are.
Gator’s Wife: I’ll tell you something, I want a big ole strong man like this, I’m gonna git in. I’m gonna drive it. Love it.
Officer: Ma’am, Ma’am please. Let’s keep this personal. I’ve got a beautiful wife and I can’t go home smelling like Jack Daniels and Easy-Off.
Gator: YOU QUIT TOUCHIN’ HIM!
Gator’s Wife: I CAN TOUCH WHOEVER I WANT!!
Gator: YOU’LL TOUCH MY FIST WITH YOUR FEMUR!!
Gator’s Wife: NO!! NO!! C’MON! YOU GIT!
Gator: Officer. Officer. Please. Let me talk to my woman. I’m a peaceful man. I like winter. I like fountains. I don’t wanna cause no trouble. Just let me talk to my woman if I might.
OFFICER 2: Alright, but no fighting.
Gator: No, sir. I love you so much…
Gator’s Wife: I HATE YOU!
GATOR spits in WIFE’s face
Officer: Aww, no spitting. Hey. Hey. Hey. Aww. No spitting.
[Light flute music plays as we fade in on a shot of a pink and purple dollhouse in a girls room]
Announcer: And now we go inside Barbies Dreamhouse!
[ open on Barbie, wearing a green nightgown with clear high heels, trying on one of her hair gems and looking at herself in the mirror ]
Barbie: Skipper, do you think this hair gem makes me look old?
[Skipper enters the room, wearing a pink, see-through negligee]
Skipper: [ cheerfully ] No, Barbie, don’t be silly!
Barbie: Skipper, I’m 43. At some point, a glow-in-the-dark, dark crystal, bejeweled butterfly tiara is.. is just a little ridiculous.
Skipper: [changes the subject] Can I have the keys to the ‘Vette? I’m going out.
Barbie: [ stern ] Not like that, you’re not.
Skipper: It’s a post-pajama fun party!
Barbie: Mmm-hmm.. [points to Skippers bare feet] Youre not even wearing shoes!
Skipper: [ looks down ] I lost all my shoes.
Barbie: Who’s gonna be at this “pajama fun party”?
Skipper: Everybody!
Barbie: Who’s “everybody”?
Skipper: Well, Jam ‘N Glam Theresa, and Ski Sensation [hesitates] Kira, and Glitter Fun Kristy, and Ethnic Kristy.
Barbie: Are there gonna be boys there? Action guys?
Skipper: [ naive ] I don’t know..
Barbie: Who’s gonna be there? X-Men? Rescue Heroes? Ultimate Soldier?
Skipper: I don’t know.. there might be some collectible Hobbits.
Barbie: [puts her foot down] No way! You’re not going!
Skipper: What are you talking about?
Barbie: You’re staying here, and you’re staying out of trouble!
Skipper: Barbie, you’re not the boss of me!
Barbie: I don’t want you making the same mistakes I made!
Skipper: Barbie, I’m nothing like you!
Barbie: You are just like me, Skipper! You’re my daughter!
Skipper: [stands up, stunned over the news] What did you say?
Barbie: Skipper, Skipper.. [ they both walk behind the Barbie couch ] I’m your mother. [holds Skipper by the upper arms]
Skipper: No, you’re not! [shoves Barbies hands away from her] You’re my sophisticated older sister, Barbie!
Barbie: Honey, I know it’s always been “Skipper! She’s Barbie’s little sister!” “Barbie’s kid sis, Skipper!” But you’re old enough to know nowI’m your mother. Haven’t you ever wondered why we look so much alike? Or why we’re both double-jointed?
[ they each lift a leg clear past their head ]
Skipper: Oh, my God! You told me mom died in an Easy-Bake Oven accident.
Barbie: Sit down, sweetheart..
[ they drop their legs back into place, then walk around to sit on the couch ]
Barbie: I’m sorry I told you those thinga. I was young.. I was alone.. G.I. Joe was in Vietnam.. Ken was in Canada.
Skipper: So, so, does this mean Ken’s my father?
Barbie: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. [laughs] Kens not your father. The 70’s were a crazy time! I experimented a lot. Your father is a Han Solo action figure.
Skipper: [horrified by the revelation] He’s not even our scale! What kind of slutare you?!
[ Barbie gasps and slaps Skipper across the face. Skipper falls over with a dazed stare on her face ]
Barbie: How dare you talk to me like that! I have given my whole life to getting you the best of everything! Don’t you have a Sparkle Fantast Unicorn! Don’t you live in a Dream House!
Skipper: It’s not my dream! It’s your dream!
[ Barbie runs across the room and cries rapidly while Skipper cries on the couch ]
[ A moody Ken enters and slams the door behind him]
Ken: Hello.
Barbie: What, Ken?
Ken: I need my tux.
Barbie: Fine!
Ken: Where?
Barbie: Upstairs.
Ken: You.. look tired.
Barbie: Ken, please..
[ Ken turns and exits upstairs ]
[ Barbie strolls back over to Skipper ]
Barbie: Did you know how many jobs I took to take care of you? I was a teacher, a ballerina, an astronaut, a princess, a competitive skater. [sits down next to Skipper] Don’t you remember that time I was a business lady? I had a suit and a briefcase! I raised those Lhasa Apsos for a whilethat was a bust. It was all for you, because I love you. [ extends a stiff arm to stroke Skipper’s hair ]
Skipper: I’m gonna need some time to process this.
[ Ken returns downstairs carrying a suit in a pink dry-cleaning bag]
Ken: Don’t call me. I’ll be in Malibu.
Barbie: Ken! What have you got in there? Is that one of my Bob Mackies?
Ken: [quickly] No. [ runs ]
Barbie: Sneaky little queen!
Ken: Plastic bitch! [ exits quickly ]
Barbie: [ grabs Skipper’s hands ] Sweetheart.. go to your party, okay? Have a good time, and we’ll talk when you get back.
Skipper: [ shakes head] No. I want to stay here with you.. Mom.
Barbie: [ elated ] Mom?
Skipper: We could brush each other’s hair!
Barbie: I’d really like that!
[ they stand up and retrieve the Barbie hairbrush from the coffee table ]
Skipper: Hey, Mom? Kelly and [flubs saying Baby Chrissy] Baby ReallyChrissy, they’re not really your sisters, though, are they?
Barbie: [ as she combs Skipper’s hair ] No. Kelly and Baby Chrissy aren’t my sisters. I-I had a threeway with some Power Rangers.
[Skipper shakes her head as Barbie brushes her hair]
Josh…..Seann William Scott Sara…..Amy Poehler Waiter…..Seth Meyers Kitchen Staffer…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on couple talking in a restaurant ]
Josh: So I said, “I thought this was a faculty meeting, not Operation: Jerk Me Around!”
[ they both laugh at Josh’s story ]
Sara: You really said that?
Josh: Well.. no. But, uh — yeah, at least I thought it..
Sara: That’s great! I’m having a wonderful time, Josh.
Josh: Yeah. These last three months have been great. You know, you’re really beautiful.
Sara: Thank you. Hey, can I ask you a question?
Josh: You can ask me anything? You know that.
Sara: [ relunctantly ] When do you think.. it’s a good time to mention in a relationship.. that you’ve done some porn?
Josh: What?
Sara: Just — like, like — how long do you think, like, in a relationship you should wait before you tell somebody that you did a little porn?
Josh: Like porn movies?
Sara: No, like porn cartoons! [ laughs ] Forget it. [ opens her menu ] Anyway, did you see “West Wing”?
Josh: Wait —
Sara: It was so preachy!
Josh: Back up a second. Do you have something to tell me?
Sara: I don’t know, do I?
Josh: Sara –
Sara: Okay, fine.. I did some porn! I did a porn movie! There, I said it! God, what a relief! Whoo!
Josh: [ stunned ] Wow..
Sara: Are you okay?
Josh: Yeah.. I mean, it’s a little shocking, but.. I’m glad you were honest with me. I mean, I respect you no matter.. what decisions you made in the past.
Sara: Well.. I guess, technically, this afternoon was the past.
Josh: [ shocked ] Wait! Youre doing porn movies now?!
Sara: No, not now. I mean, not right now, not this second! Were eating, thank you! [ laughs ]
Josh: Let me understand you here, okay? You’re still making films where you have sex with actors?
Sara: Oh, honey, they’re not actors. They couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag! They’re just, like, hustlers and transients with huge dongs, it’s not a big deal.
Waiter: Are you guys ready to order?
Sara: Oh, yeah. I think I’m gonna have the beef steaka..
Waiter: Wait. Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Josh: What?
Sara: I don’t know.. um.. [ thinking ] Are you in charge of the Cheerleader Audition?
Waiter: Yeah! “American Hair Pie 2”! Oh, my God! I knew that was you! You are great! Oh, my God, I can’t wait to tell the guys in the kitchen! [ runs out of scene ]
Josh: This is embarrassing.
Sara: I’m not embarrassed you teach kindergarten!
Josh: Why would you, Sara? My job doesn’t consist of having sex with strangers and videotaping it!
Sara: Josh, you fell in love with me, not the character I play in dozens and dozens of adult movies.
Josh: God, how many have you done?!
Sara: I don’t know.. about 71 in one film. [ he groans ] I’m sorry, you meant movies? Um.. this is upsetting you. Let’s just drop it, okay?
Josh: No, wait. I don’t want a relationship with a porn star!
Sara: I am not a porn star.. [ crosses fingers ] ..yet.
Josh: You know what? I always thought it would be kind of cool to date a porn star, but now that I am, it sucks!
Sara: Josh, I love you! When we have times together, it’s making love! With all those other guys, they’re just giving it to me hard, over and over! And they only do that so other people can get off on it! Think about it!
Josh: [ thinks about it ] You’re right, I guess..
Kitchen Staffer: Excuse me? Could you sign my copy of “Mandongo”?
Sara: Sure. What’s your name?
Kitchen Staffer: Mandongo! No, I’m just playing, it’s Terry!
Sara: [ signs the video box ] Here you go.
Kitchen Staffer: [ to Josh ] Could you please take a picture of me and her, please?
Sara: Honey, please?
Josh: [ sighs ] I guess not..
Kitchen Staffer: Thank you.
[ Sara bends over to pose as Terry touches her ass. The image is freeze-framed until the sketch fades ]
Announcer: And now, A Message From Martha Stewart.
[ dissolve to Martha Stewart sitting in her office ]
Martha Stewart: Good evening. I’m Martha Stewart. You probably know me as the hostess of “Martha Stewart Living”, or as the preeminent arbitor of good taste in America, or even as a prominent figure in your recurring stress dreams.
But today, I am speaking to you as a captain of industry. On January 22nd, my partners, the K-Mart Corporation, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Until now, I’ve enjoyed great success with my own line of Martha Stewart products at K-Mart, which are easily identifiable because of their high-quality craftsmanship, and because they’re the only items in the store without pictures of NASCAR drivers on them. To be frank, I should have known there would be trouble, when I hitched my wagon to the corndog-eating dolts that run K-Mart. But I remain dedicated to my vision of bringing quality bedding and apothacarry jars to the underprivileged.
And I want to take this time to publicly state my support of the K-Mart Corporation, and to squelch any rumors that I will be taking my products to other retailers. I would never move my product line to Sears, because I have no softer side. I could never take my products to Wal-Mart, because Wal-Mart have a history of censorship and has refused to stock the record albums of my dear, dear friend, Ghostface Killa. And, of course, I would never go into business with Target Stores, unless they were to contact me here in my office, at..
[ SUPER appears ]
..Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia at 212-555-0199. I’m in every day, from 5am until midnight.
In conclusion, to my friends and associates at K-Mart, I say be strong. Wew will get through this together. Within six months. Or you can kiss my big pink rump goodbye. Read my lips, K-Mart: I do not tolerate failure. And if I had wanted to spend my life dragging a wounded, impotent beast around on my back, I would have stayed married. So wipe the Hawaiian Punch off your mouth, pick the chaw out of your teeth, and get back to work!
Chris Kattan: Are you not that Innocent? Cause I am. (starts dancing to Britneys Innocent).
Britney Spears: Chris, look at me okay. Listen to me. Youre not Britney Spears. Okay?
Chris Kattan: Uh, hello. I have boobs. Im dating Justin Timberlake.
Britney Spears: youre dating Justin Timberlake? What did you two do last night?
Chris Kattan: Well. I think I can announce, that Im no longer a virgin. And uh then we just worked out on our dance move.
Britney Spears: Oh, I wanna see your move. Come on
Chris Kattan: you wanna see my moves?
Britney Spears: Yes please, I wanna see
Chris Kattan: You wanna se MY moves? (points at himself).
Britney Spears: Yes Please.
Chris Kattan: Okay. (starts dancing)
Britney Spears: That was That was pretty good Chris.
Chris Kattan: Thanks.
Britney Spears: Uhm..tjeck this out. (Britney starts dancing).
Chris Kattan: Okay, I dont know what that was.
Britney Spears: Alright you know what. I know how to settle this. Justin can you come out here for a second.
(Justin Timberlake enters the stage).
Justin Timberlake: Whats up. Hello Kattan. Listen uh..(to Britney) I just wanna say I had a really great time last night.
Britney Spears: Justin, that wasnt me. I wasnt that was not me.
(Chris raises his hand)
Justin Timberlake: (feeling sick) Kattan, You gotta stop doing that man.
Britney Spears: Chris what made you think you could get away with this?
Chris Kattan: I dont know. Im sorry, my personal life is falling apart, okay. “Corky Romano” didnt do as well, as I thought, you know. Im keeping my fingers cross for the video, so
Britney Spears: This isnt cool, Chris, seriously, its not cool.
Chris Kattan: Right.
(Justin Timberlake still feeling sick)
Chris Kattan: I uh I do Mango though, thats kind of cool (in Mango voice)..No you cant have me. (Cheers from audience)
Britney Spears: Thats not cool
Chris Kattan: Okay..alright..well Im gonna..go take a shower for like a couple a days okay
Britney Spears: yeah
(Chris leaves the stage applause)
Britney Spears: Im sorry about that folks, but we have a great show.
Justin Timberlake: Britney Spears is here (applause).
Britney Spears: Stick around, well be right back.
