TV Funhouse Michael Jackson swears he’s no longer attracted to little boys.
Ryan Adams performs “New York, New York”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Rudolph Guiliani (Darrell Hammond) insists on being Mayor for life. Cartoonist Jasper Hahn draws naughty pictures of Osama bin Laden. Recurring Characters: Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, Jasper Hahn.
Family Dinner Arguments II Three years later, this family’s still arguing over dinner.
Mango Mango recalls dating Patrow, and thwarts Matt Damon’s advances. Recurring Characters: Mango.
Fiesta Politica Donald Rumsfield (Darrell Hammond) wonders why he was asked as guest.
My Big Thick Novel Author dies after endless chase and mauling from lion.
Jonny Moseley’s Monologue Moseley explains why coming in fourth place was more satisfying for him.
Boston Teens Sully (Jimmy Fallon) & Denise (Rachel Dratch) argue on ski lift. Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.
The O’Reilly Factor Bill O’Reilly (Jeff Richards) doesn’t believe facts over his opinions.
Dismissed Goof (Moseley) chooses between slut (Maya Rudolph) and one-legged (Amy Poehler).
Jonny’s Journey Moseley’s dinner roll jump becomes flight around the world.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Canadian skaters (Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler) want to finish hosting the show. Gossiper Hollywood (Chris Kattan) lists celebrity names without rumors. Jimmy Fallon’s clown joke results in premature pie throw.
Outkast performs “The Whole World”
Super Buzzers Game Show Network rerun features huge celebrity panel with no questions.
Typhoid Mary: The Musical Carol Channing replacement (Ana Gasteyer) puts damper on production.
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: April 6th, 2002 Cameron Diaz Jimmy Eat World None
Jimmy Eat World, “”
The Culps Marty (Will Ferrell) & Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing medley at lamaze class. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.
Cameron Diaz’s Monologue Diaz introduces the world to her butt choreographer (Will Ferrell).
The 17th Annual Auto Show Spokeswoman Awards Auto show spokeswomen are honored for their achievements in pointing at cars.
M-TV Spring Break Co-eds (Diaz, Maya Rudolph) only want to dance to “That Don’t Impress Me Much”. Donald Sutherland (Will Ferrell) and Glenn Close (Ana Gasteyer) emcee 530th SNL.
Astronaut Jones Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) runs into Jupiterians. Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.
Celine Dion Special Celine’s (Ana Gasteyer) special showcases her attempts to become normal. Recurring Characters: Celine Dion.
Gorgeous Living with Prunella Watson Prunella (Rachel Dratch) and Portia (Diaz) give eccentric tips for gorgeousness.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Denzel Washington (Dean Edwards) and Halle Berry (Maya Rudolph) are still ecstatic. Robot Tina breaks down during Clinton joke, is replaced by newer model. Geraldo Rivera (Darrell Hammond) outlines Tour of Terror schedule. Jasper Hahn (Horatio Sanz) and Trina (Diaz) introduce dirty fuzzy friends. Recurring Characters: Geraldo Rivera, Jasper Hahn.
Jimmy Eat World performs “The Middle”
Mr. Peepers Anthropologist (Will Ferrell) shows off discovery of Mrs. Peepers (Diaz). Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
M-TV 4 Hip-enough underground music network introduces the Crash Papayas.
Jimmy Eat World performs “Sweetness”
My Big Thick Novel Spying through binoculars as the sun glistens off Lalani’s breasts.
Tony Bennet….Alec Baldwin David Gest….Chris Kattan Liza Minelli….Maya Rudolph
[Opens with THE TONY BENNET LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennet.
[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]
Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! Hello. You know, I’ve sang for kings and queens and one thing is for sure–I love things that are great. [singing] I love things that are great, good things are fantastic…guess what? I also paint…just a hobby, nothing drastic. Cause I dig everything except the things I don’t and I’ll try anything except the things I say I won’t. But one things’s for sure…I love things that are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! [stops singing, sits] Thank you, thank you. Hey everybody! Thank you so much. Today’s show is first rate, really terrific. We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on we’re gonna be mellowing out to the sounds of Tweet. One of the great gals singing out there today. And I’m just so tickled about my first guest. She’s a real classic and she’s also a new bride. Please welcome, a supergal, Liza Minelli. [Liza comes out with her effeminate, shiny faced husband David Gest] Liza, Liza, you look as happy as a clam.
Liza Minelli: It’s so good to see you Tony. I’m sorry you couldn’t come to our wedding.
Tony Bennett: I was stuck in Madrid with Casey Affleck but I heard it was a great, great time.
Liza Minelli: Oh, it was. It was a pip! I felt like Cinderella and still isn’t even midnight.
Tony Bennett: I just wanted to congratulate your hubby here too. I want to congratulate Mr. David Gest. You nabbed yourself a great girl here, David. [No reaction from David, eyes wide open] David?
Liza Minelli: He’s actually asleep right now, Tony. He has eyelids issues due to a tweezing infection. And poor little puppy has to sleep with his eyes open. Here. Do this. [spritzes some water on David’s face, he comes out of his stupor]
David Gest: Oh! Yes, hello.
Tony Bennett: David, you got yourself a beautiful lady.
David Gest: It’s always been my dream to marry Judy–Liza!
Liza Minelli: Ah! He’s such a flirt![hugs him]
Tony Bennett: Now David, I heard you were gay. And I think it is just great that you put aside bangin’ sticks with all those Joe’s long enough to notice this little buttercup. But David, I gotta ask you. Why would you build a house in a cherry orchard when you dig bananas?
Liza Minelli: Tony, I don’t know where the rumor came from. David and I are very much in love.
Tony Bennett: But David, don’t you just look down there and see your little pickle hangin’ and think–“what have I done? I just married a woman and no matter how many stars I wish I may or wish I might on, she will never grow a pocket rocket?”
Liza Minelli: Tony, I can assure you. What David and I have is really special. Isn’t it, honey?[awkward affection between Liza and David]
Tony Bennett: But David, David, you saying you don’t miss deep frying the drumstick?
David Gest: I don’t understand.
Tony Bennett: How about playing the kiwis?
David Gest: I’m sorry?
Tony Bennett: Come on, you like to do the mushroom dance, don’t you?
David Gest: What does that mean?
Tony Bennett: Do you miss having sex with other men?
David Gest: That I do miss.
Tony Bennett: Now David, hold that thought on having sex with men. I gotta mention our sponsor Dr.Scholl’s comfort gel insoles for women. David, do you mind? Solid. Right here. [David holds a packet of Dr.Scholl’s gel insoles next to Tony] You know, women they got delicate feet. I once made love to a lady’s foot for 7 hours. But then the nurse came in and said: “Mr. Bennet, she’s gone”. [Tony continues the talk show banter] Anyway, we’re back with Liza and her husband Gay-vid. What were you chattin’ about, Gay-vid?
Liza Minelli: Tony, we were talking about how cute my new husband is. Isn’t he cute? He’s so cute. I just want to lick his shiny face! [pretends to lick David’s hideous face]
Tony Bennett: Well, I think whatever crazy thing you two got goin’ on is better than two people murdering each other.
Liza Minelli: Amen, Tony! Love is what’s all about!
Tony Bennett: Hey Liza, you fell like singin’ a tune?
Liza Minelli: Oh, more than anything!
Tony Bennett: All right. Here we go.
[Tony and Liza sing and David dances like an idiot behind them]
Liza Minelli:[sings] I love New York in June…how about you?
Tony Bennett: [sings] I love a Liza tune…how about you?
Tony and Liza: [singing together] I love a fire when a storm is due…
Tony Bennett: [sings, points to David] He loves potato chips and having sex with men…how about you? [David waves him off playfully] I want to thank my guests Dr. Scholl, Liza with a Z and David the married fagella! Next up, we’re gonna be making lobster ravioli with Craig Kilborn!
Dale Sturtevant: Hi. I’m Dale Sturtevant. I’ve been raising dogs since I was six. And nothing has brought me more joy, or more sheer frustration, than training a puppy. With a very young pup, correcting problem behavior can be very maddening. And, like you, I’ve probably tried all the tricks – screaming myself hoarse, starving them, locking them in a closet for days on end, or just beating them without mercy. But after my third arrest and court-ordered anger-management counseling, I learned to channel my rage into an effective non-violent puppy training tool. It’s called “Dissing Your Dog: how to train your puppy with mockery and verbal humiliation”.
You see, dogs are much more intuitive than we give them credit for. They know when they’re the butt of ridicule. And when they misbehave, a well-placed sarcastic comment or cutting remark can work wonders wherever a rolled-up newspaper fails. Whatever your puppy’s behavior problem, I guarantee I can help you fix it.
Dale Sturtevant V/O: Problems like jumping on furniture..
Dale Sturtevant: Oh no, no, no, Humphrey, don’t get up. You just stay there, relax. After all, you did put in a long day of work at a demanding high-stress job. Oh no, wait a minute, that’s me! Now I remember! I’m the one with the job. You’re the one who lies around the house all day in a pool of your own slobber!
[ dog jumps off couch ]
Dale Sturtevant V/O: Accidents in the house..
Dale Sturtevant: Hey, Walter! Thanks for your “help” with the new off-white sofa. Everybody agrees that dump you left there was the perfect “accent”. So, good job. Oh, and by the way, Milton Berle called. He wants his bladder back.
[ dog climbs down from sofa and pees properly over a newspaper ]
That’s a good job!
Dale Sturtevant V/O: Fussy eating habits..
Dale Sturtevant: Oh, right, Margaret, you wanted prime rib. Here’s the deal: The Palm wasn’t taking reservations, and I didn’t even try Morton’s because I understand they have a new chef. So for now, let’s just go with the Alpo, okay? I know it’s not your first choice but keep in mind, you’re a f–king dog!
[ dog eats the Alpo ]
Dale Sturtevant: I’m so confident this program works, I’m gonna send you Volume 1 of the five-part series free of charge. Once you’ve seen it, I know you’ll order the rest. [ looks down at dog ] Right, Murphy, you brainless sack of excrement? [ to camera ] She’s being punished.
Announcer: To order “Dissing Your Dog”, dial 1-800-555-0199. Call today.
Dale Sturtevant: Remember: there’s one thing stronger than a dog’s sense of smell – his sense of irony.
Husband…..Will Ferrell Wife…..Maya Rudolph Policewoman…..Rachel Dratch Tow Truck Driver…..Seann William Scott Policeman…..Horatio Sanz Adam Schiff…..Darrell Hammond Assistant…..Amy Poehler Man…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: This fall on NBC, from the creator of “Law & Order”, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”, and “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” comes..
[ Couple spots a parking ticket on their car’s windshield ]
Husband: Honey, look.
Wife: Oh, my God!
Husband: No! This isn’t happening to me!
Policewoman: It just did.
Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”. There’s a new kind of justice on the streets.
[ in second vignette, Policewoman spots a Tow Truck Driver getting ready to tow a vehicle ]
Policewoman: What do you think you’re doing?
Tow Truck Driver: I’m taking in this ’91 Honda.
Policewoman: This car’s got a minute left on the meter.
Tow Truck Driver: Do you see anyone with a shiny quarter in their hand? Nooooo. I’m towing it.
Policewoman: Where does it end, Kurt? Today, a guys got one minute. Tomorrow, what is it, two? Three? Where does it end, Kurt? Where does it end?
Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”
[ next vignette shows Policeman and Policewoman in their squad car ]
Radio: Yeah, 43, we got a double-parked Hyundai blocking a TGIFriday’s.
Policeman: 7-4. We’re on it.
Announcer: Marking the return of Steven Hill as D.A. Adam Schiff.
[ Adam Schiff is seen walking with his Assistant ]
Adam Schiff: They say he was parked 12 inches from the curb, he says it was 6 inches.
Assistant: He’s lying, Adam!
Adam Schiff: The jury’s gonna take one look at this guy, the city’s gonna be out $25 bucks. Let’s cut a deal.
Announcer: In a series critics call “almost better than the second spinoff”, and “not quite as good as the third.”
[ Policewoman spots a guy parking in a handicapped space ]
Policewoman: Sir, this space is reserved for handicapped parking.
Guy: Oh yeah, I know. [ walks away pretending to be limping ]
Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”. It’s time to pay up!
[ open on James Lipton staring out into the crowd stone-faced from behind his glass desk ]
James Lipton: If I had a choice between interviewing my next guest.. or getting in my homemade time machine, going back in time and interviewing William Shakespeare.. I would tell the Bard of Avon to go screw himself! For if a single frame from one of our guest’s movies were placed in an envelope.. wrapped in linen.. and sealed in a lead sarcophagus.. it would still be so powerful it could cure some form of malaria. Ladies and gentlemen.. please welcome.. Billy Bob Thornton.
[ Billy Bob Thornton enters the stage and sits in the chair across from James Lipton ]
James Lipton: William Robert Thornton. Welcome.
Billy Bob Thornton: Thank you. It’s nice to be here.
James Lipton: [ grabs a card from his stack, and reads ] My first question: Between your role as the whining husband in “Zombie Chicks in Chopper Town”.. your role as Dan Truman in “Armageddon”.. and Jonas Salk’s discovery of the polio vaccine.. which do you think was more important to the course of human history?
Billy Bob Thornton: [ laughs ] I think we all know the answer to that one!
James Lipton: Yes. We all do. Dan Truman, “Armageddon”. [ pause ] You grew up in Arkansas..
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah.
James Lipton: When you were six, you skinned your knee playing tetherball with Roger Dale Kennedy.. when you were eleven, you bought a hat. When did you first realize you were a brilliant genius?
Billy Bob Thornton: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t really think of myself that way at all.
James Lipton: [ laughing uproariously ] When Jean Claude van Damme was on the show, he said acting is like a ferocious bag of hope with wide feet and thick, yellow fingernails. Would you say that is “une pa tette jous”? Or would you say “Te es pa ta je”?
Billy Bob Thornton: What are you talking about?!
James Lipton: [ guffaws ] Well played! Dear God, well played! [ composes himself ] When you played Dan Truman in “Armageddon”, did the feeling..?
Billy Bob Thornton: [ disturbed ] Why do you keep bringing up “Armageddon”?! I don’t understand that! I didn’t even want to be in that movie! Why do you keep bringing up movies like that! I’ve told you that before! Now you’re speaking in French and stuff, I don’t even understand you! What’s wrong with you!
James Lipton: Well played, yet again, good friend! [ guffaws ] Good friend!
[ cut to James Lipton watching the broadcast from a control studio, snacking on Pringles ]
James Lipton: That’s unbelievable! Look at the French between us!
Gladys: Mr. Lipton? This came for you.
James Lipton: Oh. Thank you, Gladys. [ laughs as he reads letter: “Lipton, You’re a dead man, Love, Billy Bob Thornton” ]
Jason: What is it?
James Lipton: It is a hilarious joke from my new friend Billy Bobby, in the form of a death threat. Well.. I’m off! [ stands ] Oh, uh.. Jason? Are you going to finish that sandwich?
Jason: No.
James Lipton: [ takes sandwich ] I’m off! [ exits the control booth ]
James Lipton: [ cut to overhead shot of James Lipton walking down a crowded street, as his cell phone rings ] Hello?
Billy Bob Thornton: Did you get my note?
James Lipton: Of course I did, Will Rob! And it was a delight!
Billy Bob Thornton: I’m serious, Lipton, you’re a dead man.
James Lipton: Excellent!
Billy Bob Thornton: You have got ten seconds to live! Do you understand me, you freak?!
[ Billy Bob hangs up the phone and loads his rifle ]
[ James Lipton stops at a hot dog vendor ]
James Lipton: Well played, indeed! Five hot dogs, my good man!
[ upstairs, Billy Bob points his rifle down towards Lipton ]
[ rifle scope hones in as Lipton receives his hot dogs below ]
James Lipton: Let the mustard flow like a yellow river of goodness!
[ the rifle is fired, as hot dogs fly everywhere. James Lipton screams and runs down the street. Annoyed that his shots missed, Billy Bob enters the street and chases after Lipton on foot. In an attempt to escape, Lipton runs in front of a taxi cab, and is hit and knocked to the ground. Satisfied, Billy Bob starts to walk away, then feels pity and turns to help Lipton in the street. ]
Billy Bob Thornton: Somebody call an ambulance! James?
James Lipton: [ coming to, glasses bent out of shape ] Billy Bob..?
Billy Bob Thornton: I’m really sorry, I just got carried away.. I’m truly sorry.. just stay here, stay with me, okay? Just hang on a minute, buddy. I’ll even answer the questions..
James Lipton: [ mumbles the questions in French ]
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah, whatever, yeah.
James Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?
Billy Bob Thornton: I don’t know, man.. sonofa-
James Lipton: We’ll shoot it back at the studio, save it!
Billy Bob Thornton: The studio?
James Lipton: The studio! Yes, it will be glorious! If you will just help me..
[ dissolve back to James Lipton and Billy Bob Thornton in the studio. Lipton now wears a neck brace and a sling around his right arm, making it difficult for him to pick up one of the cards from his stack. ]
James Lipton: Could.. could you help me with me card..? [ Billy Bob reaches over to hand Lipton one of the cards ] “Armageddon”.. was filmed on location in Montana..
Boss…..Seann William Scott Vasquez…..Horatio Sanz Barbara…..Rachel Dratch Amy…..Amy Poehler Seth…..Seth Meyers Dale McGrew…..Will Ferrell
[ open on board meeting ]
Boss: Well.. Dale McGrew isn’t here yet, so why don’t we go ahead and start?
Vasquez: I’m sure he’ll be here any minute.
Boss: Alright, listen up. As you know, profits are way down. And it looks like we’ve got a long road ahead of us. This quarter, we’re gonna focus on earnings.
Dale McGrew: [ enters wearing a half T-shirt and a tight red, white and blue Speedo ] Hey, sorry I’m late, gang, uh.. traffic on the Jesnsen Overchange was just nuts.. so, I apologize. Why don’t you guys finish the meeting.. I’m gonna grab a little coffee.. my bad. [ turns around, revealing Speedo to be crammed up his ass ]
Boss: McGrew?
Dale McGrew: Hold on a sec..
Boss: Dale McGrew.
Dale McGrew: [ sighs ] What?
Boss: What’s with the get-up?
Dale McGrew: Get-up? What do you mean?
Boss: The shorts. The shirt. I thought this week we were wearing items to show patriotism?
Vasquez: Looking good, Dale! You the man!
Boss: Okay, Dale, that attire is not acceptable.
Dale McGrew: Look, the memo said we relaxed the office dress code to allow showings of patriotism, so.. this coffee’s really good.
Boss: McGrew. I know what the memo said, okay? I wrote the memo. you’re wearing shorts and a half-shirt.
Boss: McGrew, it’s bad enough you wore shorts.. but, for the love of God, why are those shorts so short?
Dale McGrew: Why are long pants long? Why are bushes bushy? I mean, you know, if we’re gonna get in that area, we’re gonna be here all day. Am I missing something? Do you not want me to be patriotic?
Boss: No, Dale, it’s just that those shorts don’t even look comfortable. I mean.. we can see your bulge.
Dale McGrew: Okay, first of all, they’re extremely comfortable.. and, second of all, at this point in your life, if you haven’t seen a bulge, then I feel sorry for you.
Boss: Just have a seat, McGrew. [ they sit ] Now.. this fiscal quarter is gonna be a doozy. Unlike anything we’ve seen thus far. Dale, why don’t you go ahead and fill us in.
Dale McGrew: Gladly. Uh.. here’s the situation.. [ leans back in his chair ] Here’s the situation we find ourselves in. Productivity is extremely low for this time of year. Okay? Uh.. now, excluding the South American market, but including Europe and Asia. What I’m afraid is gonna happen is that we’re gonna find ourselves in a scenario where layoffs are gonna be needed in certain areas, but a new round of hiring will be needed in others, you know? That’s my two cents. [ everyone stares at him ] What? What? What?
Boss: Alright, McGrew, that’s enough. This is just too distracting! Look at that!
Dale McGrew: Distracting? What if the founding fathers, you know, found it too distracting to ride their horses to Independence Hall and sign the Declaration of Independence, huh? What about that?
Vasquez: You tell them, Dale!
Boss: Shut up, both of you! Look, McGrew, I appreciate the fact that you want to show your patriotism, but we can’t hold a board meeting while your kibbles and bits are falling out of your short shorts. I’d like for you to excuse yourself.. I think.
Dale McGrew: I see. [ stands, patriotic music plays in background ] Look, I’m sorry if I offended anyone. I mean, you so all know that I’m way proud to be an American, right? [ everyone agrees ] You do know that I absolutely love this country more than anything? [ everyone agrees ] Well, Im sorry you had to see my asscheeks.. and my nuggetpouch.. and my bulge. I guess what it all comes down to is that the.. angle of my dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of my meat. Right? [ music stops ]
Boss: What the hell are you talking about? Get out of here!
Dale McGrew: Okay, that last part was inappropriate, I’ll give you that. [ music plays ] But just remember this: the U.S. of A. is the greatest country on the face of the Earth, and for that I will make no apologies!
[ board members applaud ]
All: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Dale McGrew: Now, if you’ll excuse me.. [ turns to exit, but his shorts rip ] I did not see that coming!
Vasquez: You’re the best in the biz, Dale!
Dale McGrew: True. Still, you gotta admit, this is one fantasticly handsome bulge, right?
Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch Dave…..Jimmy Fallon Barbara Hernandez…..Drew Barrymore
[Camera pans down to Dave in a hot tub with Roger and Virginia Clarvin]
Virginia: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Dave: What? Y-yes?
Roger: We were wondering. Is this your first time at the Welshly Arms Hotel?
Dave: Yeah.
Virginia: Mmm. And-and are you here without a lov-ah?
Dave: Well I am by myself. I’m just staying here on business.
Roger: We frequent the Welshly Arms.
Virginia: Yes.
Roger: We find it a perfect, quaint lov-ah’s getaway. [starts petting Virginia’s face]
Virginia: Yes. Oh, forgive me. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.
[Roger and Virginia extend arms to Dave]
Roger: And your name?
Dave: Uh, Dave. [extends arm and shakes Roger’s hand]
Roger and Virginia: Ah. Mmm.
Roger: Dave, may I share something with you?
Dave: I guess. I’m really just trying to –
Roger: I find when one first enters the scalding waters of the ha-tub, it is not unlike your first encounter with a new lover.
Virginia: I remember the first time Roger and I made love…
Roger: Yes.
Virginia: Yes, we had pulled over after a long Sunday drive. Roger led me to a clearing, laid me down upon a bed of fresh meadow grasses.
Roger: Yes. [starts petting Virginia while she’s talking]
Virginia: He then rubbed my nubile body with fruit linaments and noxema. Then he artfully covered my back with melted butter and cloves. [Roger begins licking her fingers]. And until the flies and ants came, methinks it was the finest love-making that the world have ever known.
[while Roger and Virginia moan, Dave lays back and starts twitching]
Roger: Are you listening, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, I’m just tired, that’s all.
[Barbara Hernandez appears; Roger and Virginia moan some more]
Barbara: Is that the professors Virginia and Roger Clarvin.
Roger and Virginia: Oh, what a surprise!
Virginia: It’s our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez.
Roger: Barbara, what brings you to the prestigious Welshly Arms?
[Jimmy Fallon starts cracking up]
Barbara: The usual: quiet strolls, family-style dining, archery.
Roger: Well, please join us in the ha-tub.
[Barbara takes off coat]
Virginia: Yes, it’s refreshing.
Roger: It simply is divine.
[Fallon begins cracking up as Drew’s character Barbara gets in the hot tub]
Virginia: Uh, Barbara, dare I ask, are you no longer with your lov-ah, Mitchell.
Barbara: Well, as you know, Mitchell was the most-skillful in creative [indistinguishable].
Roger and Virginia: Ah yes.
[Dave clears his throat]
Barbara: However, his love for me was exceeded by his love for sweet wine and dog racing. So now I can turn my attention to my first love: archery.
[from here on in, Fallon is unable to hold his laughter in]
Roger: Dave. Dave. Dave. David.
Dave: [laughs] Yes?
[Drew starts laughing]
Roger: David.
Dave: Right.
Roger: Our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez, is the top female archer in the northeast division.
[Fallon still laughing]
Dave: That’s unbelievable.
[Virginia reaches for a plate of shanks]
Virginia: Uh, does anyone care for spiced lamb shanks.
Dave: What is- What’s that?
Virginia: Well, at this point during the soak, my lov-ah and I usually crave spiced meats. [her and Roger start eating the shanks] We always… [Rachel Dratch starts laughing] We always order them up special for the Welshly Arms… [laughing again, and Will Ferrell cracks up] Kitchen, and keep them here in this igloo cooler.
Barbara: The Welshly Arms is renowned for its shanks.
Virginia: They’re wonderful shanks.
Dave: I’m good. I’m good.
Virginia: [puts back the plate] Well, your missing out on some good shanks.
Roger: We should mention that although the waters above appear calm [Virginia begins feeling up Roger’s face], below the surface there is a frenzy of activity.
[Fallon is confused, cracks up again]
Roger (cont’d): Hands groping, fingers fluttering, thighs twitching in the anticipation of love-making that will take place in this ha-tub [Dratch starts cracking up, Fallon’s laughs can be heard off screen] in less than 12 minutes.
Dave: I’m getting kind of pruny. I’m out.
[Dave tries to get out of the hot tub, but Roger and Virginia pull him back in]
Roger and Virginia: Wait, wait, wait.
[Fallon cracks up again]
Virginia: Barbara, you’re sans lover. Dave, you a weary business traveler. Perhaps Cupid’s arrow is as sharp as Barbara Hernandez’.
Dave: [stammers} I don’t know. I think I just –
Barbara: David, don’t be alarmed by the professors Clarvin. I remember myself when I f-first Roger and Virg at the University. We had taken a camping trip to Grand Canyon.
Roger: Yes.
Barbara: After a supper of jack rabbit honches, we laid out beneath the stars.
Roger: Somewhere in the distance, we heard the pounding of native drums. [for twelve seconds, everyone starts cracking up]. Was it in our minds? We don’t know. [Ferrell starts cracking up]
[At this point, everyone begins laughing, while the audience cheers them on for their effort to keep a straight face]
Barbara: That night, the great eagle spirit himself appeared at our tent and beckoned us to make love. We submitted to his ravenous [Drew Barrymoore cracks up, Fallon follows] desires, as the three of us became one with the great eagle spirit.
[Dave begins playing with Roger’s beard while Virginia speaks]
Virginia: Turns out the great eagle spirit was actually a fugitive trucker by the name of Rich Crenshaw.
Dave: Maybe I’m just road weary, but, uh, that’s a beautiful story.
Barbara: Lov-ah, would you care to see my bed adorn with hibiscus petals and my photo of me [Barrymore cracks up again] and Geena Davis.
Dave: [enthusiastic] Geena Davis? That sound nice.
Roger: Bye, David. Bye
Virginia: Bye, lov-ahs.
[Roger starts feeling up Dave’s rear differential as the two lovers leave]
Roger: Nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lov-ahs take off in a night [Ferrell and Dratch crack up again] like this.
Virginia: Yes. Lov-ah, I think there’s one reward for the job we done.
[Roger and Virginia get close]
Roger: Let the screams of our love-making reverberate off the roof of the Welshley Arms…
Virginia: [crawls up on Roger’s lap] Oh, lov-ah.
Roger: and into the night sky.
Virginia: Oh, lov-ah.
Roger: Ow, ow. My back.
Virginia: What?
Roger: My back.
Virginia: Is it your back? I thought the water might help.
Roger: Well, it DOESN’T help! Get the hell OFF ME!
[Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black]
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Dave Matthews…..Jimmy Fallon Bjork…..Winona Ryder Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Boyd Tinsley…..Dean Edwards …..Real Alex Trebek
Alex Trebek: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy: Rock and Roll Edition, where some of today’s biggest musics are competing for their favorite charities. Let’s meet the contestants: Dave Matthews of Dave Matthews Band. Dave, welcome to the show.
Dave Matthews: [in squeaky voice] I am glad to be here.
Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Next up, Icelandic sensation Bjork.
Bjork: When I look at the veins in my hands, they remind me of these two snakes that laugh.
Alex Trebek: Beautiful. And our final contestant on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy… Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I’d be eligible: “There once was a man named Trebick, who had the most tiniest…”
Alex Trebek: Enough. Let’s just get this over with. Here are the categories, they are: “Potent Potables,” “Countries Between Mexico and Canada,” “Members of Simon and Garfunkel,” “I Have a Chardonnay” – you choose this category, you automatically get the points and I get to have a glass of wine. “Things You Do With a Pencil Sharpener,” “Tie Your Shoe,” and finally, “Toast”. Mr. Connery, you select first.
Sean Connery: That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Why, thank you.
Sean Connery: Is that wool? Must have been expensive.
Alex Trebek: No, actually, it was quite reasonable.
Sean Connery: Really? Where did you get it?
Alex Trebek: At a place called Stern’s, down on 14th.
Sean Connery: Stern’s? I’ll have to check it out.
Alex Trebek: Well, you should. Ask for Gary. Tell him that I sent you.
Sean Connery: I’ll do that. That sure is a nice jacket. Just one more question…
Alex Trebek: What is it, Sean?
Sean Connery: Do they make them for men?
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with “Toast” for $600. And the answer is, “This is the thing that becomes toast”. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?
Dave Matthews: What?
Alex Trebek: Did you ring in?
Dave Matthews: [singing] I did it, guilty as charged.
Alex Trebek: Do you have an answer?
Dave Matthews: No. No, I don’t.
[Bjork buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Bjork, this is the only thing that becomes toast.
Bjork: Everything is music. When I go home, I throw knickers in the oven and it’s music. Crash, boom, bang! (makes indistinct noises) (buzz)
Alex Trebek: Wow. The answer, of course, was bread. Let’s go to “Members of Simon and Garfunkel” for $200. “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.” [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?
Bjork: Sometimes when I’m putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?
Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?
Alex Trebek: “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel”.
Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]
Alex Trebek: Come on. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?
[Boyd Tinsley enters and plays the intro to the Dave Matthews Band’s “Ants Marching”.]
Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth, bite to eat, and he’s rolling…” [buzz]
Alex Trebek: Wrong.
[Boyd Tinsley whispers in Dave Matthews’ ear.]
Dave Matthews: I’m sorry, what is –
[Boyd Tinsley resumes playing “Ants Marching”]
Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning…” [buzz]
[Bjork buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Bjork?
Bjork: This buzzer is musical. Everything is musical. [starts playing with the buzzers and makes indistinct noises]
Alex Trebek: And… shut it! Mr. Connery, still your board.
Sean Connery: I’ll take “I Have a Hard-on” for $600.
[close-up to board, the category “I Have a Chardonnay” is edited to read “I Have a Hardon”.]
Alex Trebek: I don’t believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.
Sean Connery: I didn’t have it in my pocket.
Alex Trebek: That’s disgusting. Please.
Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.
Alex Trebek: All right, that’s enough.
Sean Connery: Because I was keeping it in my butt.
Alex Trebek: Okay. We get it. Loud and clear: we get it. It’s time for Final Jeopardy…
[The real Alex Trebek enters.]
Real Alex Trebek: And so this was Final Jeopardy. And what a ride it has been, from Burt Reynolds to Minnie Driver, but boy, oh boy, those celebrities did not know the right answers to any of your questions.
Alex Trebek: No, they did not. They were very stupid.
Real Alex Trebek: You got that right.
Sean Connery: Well, well, two Trebeks. I feel like I’m in a Raisin Bran commercial: “two scoops of fruit”.
Real Alex Trebek: Back off, Connery. I don’t have to take that from you.
Sean Connery: I guess it’s true, old married couples do start to look alike.
Alex Trebek: Okay, please. From all of us to all of you, good night.
Air Date:
Outkast, “The Whole World”
Jimmy Eat World, “”
