Gemini’s Twin

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Gemini’s Twin

Sway…..Dean Edwards
Britannica…..Maya Rudolph
Joanette…..Ana Gasteyer
Chanterell…..Gwyneth Paltrow


Sway: Welcome to the Gemini’s Twin Weekend! I’m Sway! It’s all Gemini, all the time, all weekend, 24-2! Now, from their latest CD, America the Bootyful, which drops today, the spankin’ new video from the ladies of Gemini’s Twin – Red, White, and Not You!

(cut to video)

(The twins are dressed as patriotic runway models and walk down a runway aisle)

All members: (singing)
Red is the color of my heart
White is the color of your lies
Blue is what you’re gonna be
If you keep on messin’ with me

Comin’ home late at night
Smelling like aroma spirits
Actin’ like you’re outta sight
With your nasty overbite (oh-ohh)

You be actin’ all robotic
When I’m tryin to get erotic
So why you goin’ all psychotic
That ain’t very patriot-ic!
Oh, no no no

All you wanna do is bone
Like a caveman, Fred Flintstone
Play you like a saxophone
Pass you like a kidney sto-o-o-ne

There ain’t no more you and me
GT-3, we out!

(clip ends, cut to MTV set)

Sway: Yo, now let’s give it up for Gemini’s Twin!

(the members enter)

Sway: Yo, the video was mad patriotic! So Gemini’s Twin, there’s a lotta serious business goin’ on in the world today. How y’all crackin’ lately?

Britannica: Well, this has been a real reflectionary period of time for us as individuals and as members of America.

Joanette: Mmm-hmm. We’ve been in a real stressful conditionality in regards to our poker capacity.

Britannica: Which resulted in us eatin’ a lotta Popeye’s. And Taco Bell.

Joanette: Basically we was getting chunky sweet.

Britannica: Word, our manager put us on a weight loss pruz-o-gram!

All members: (singing a capella) Americans diet, high pro-ty-ine!

Sway: Cool, cool. Yo, I’ve gotta question for the new girl – who are you?

Chanterell: I’m the new member, they call me Chanterell.

Britannica: Yeah, we call her that cause her real name is Bridget.

Chanterelle: Word. And Bridget sounds mad white, yo.

Joanette: But it’s all good cause she make me look ethnic.

Chanterelle: Word, see they both white…you know what I’m sayin’?

Sway: Yeah, word on that. And I hear you guys met by accident. So give us the 411!

Britannica: Okay, see here’s what happened, Sway. We was on our tour bus and we was tryin’ to decide where to eat. See, I wanted them salty biscuits from Red Lobster with the cheese up them…

Joanette: Mmm-hmm…and I wanted Bob Evans for the beef and noodles.

Britannica: Yeah, things got crazy, then my dad got all cranked up and started yellin’ out when we realized no one was at the wheel.

Joanette: Yeah, and then we ran into her. I was like, “I’m gonna sue!” and they was like, “Hold up, you wanna be in the group?” I was like, “What group?”, and they was like, “Gemini’s Twin!” and I was like, “I ain’t never heard of them, but a’ight!”

Britannica: Yeah, we glad she didn’t sue cause we wanna steer clear of issues involving law and order…chung-chung!

Chantrelle: Mmm-hmm. Drama dismissed!

All members: (cheering) No drama! No drama! No-no-no drama!

Sway: No doubt, no doubt. So what can you tell us about the new album?

Britannica: Well, we just felt it was real important to get an album out right away…so we could sell it.

Sway: So, are any of the proceeds goin’ to charity?

Britannica: Well, we discussed that and decided it didn’t fit into our world right now.

Joanette: But we do encourage anyone who is sufferin’ to go out and buy our album.

Britannica: Word, ‘cause the people who buy our album are the real heroes.

(singing a capella) Hee-roooo-oes!

Chanterelle: Sam Goody!

Sway: That’s deep, yo! But seriously, we gotta give our props to the U.S.A. I love you U.S.A., you’re beautiful. Yo, how come y’all don’t call me no more, U.S.A? Naw, I’m just playin’ wit you. I be pretending the U.S.A. was a real person, y’all!

All members: That’s aight, you’re funnin’, you real cool!

Sway: A’ight y’all, that about wraps it up for the Gemini’s Twin Weekend. Ladies, why don’t you take us out with a little bit of America the Bootyful?

All Members: A’ight, a’ight! Yeah, let’s do it!

(singing a capella)

And…and…and
And crown thy good with bo-o-otyhood
From me to shining…
meeeee-ugh–whoo-whoo…yeah!

Sway: This is Sway wrapping it up with Gemini’s Twin and they gon’ pay!

(fade)

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey and CaliStarDust for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01: Liberty Medical Insurance



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4



01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Liberty Medical Insurance

Wilford Brimley…..John Goodman

[ open on Wilford Brimley sitting atop a horse next to a wooden fence on his farm ]

Wilford Brimley: Hi. I’m Wilford Brimley, and I’ve had diabetes for about 20 years. I stay active and I feel pretty good most of the time. See, I do things differently now. I’m not perfect, but I try to watch my diet and exercise. And I check my blood sugar, and I get all my diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Mutual.

Like I said, I’m not perfect. I guess.. some of the things I told you just now are downright fibs. Like the diet and exercise thing. When I said I watch my diet, I guess I mean I watch the minivan from Buddy’s Barbecue pull up and unload about $200 worth of pork ribs onto my driveway. While I stand in the doorway hiding my food boner in my Bermuda shorts.

When it comes to exercise, well that’s just a boldfaced lie. I’ve never moved fast enough to sweat , except when I was making a baby. Even then, I took some much-needed breaks. My doctor isn’t even sure I’ve got diabetes. He just says I look like somebody who would have it. I do check my blood-sugar every day, though, just in case. And Liberty Medical brings all the teting supplies right to my door, so it’s easy to track my health.

[ sprays whipped cream into his mouth ]

Who am I kidding? That’s bull hockey! I don’t keep track of my health at all! People just assume I eat a lot of quaker Oats, so I must be okay. Hell, I wouldn’t eat oatmeal if it was the filling in a Dove bar. I can’t stand that gobbledlygook! It always seems like somebody else ate it first. Sorry, Quaker, but I’m Wilford Brimley, I say it how I feel it.

You know what I do like, are them S’Mores. And old-fashioned wedding cake frosting – the kind that’s still got lard in it. And merangue made out of egg yolks instead of egg whites. Some people call it cholestoral, I just call it good.

If you have diabetes, you check your blood sugar, and you check it often. There’s no reason not to. Call Liberty. They can help you have a better life.

Now, I’m gonna go get off my horse by getting onto a smaller horse, and then onto a large dog, until I’m near enough to the ground to roll off.

You take care now.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts