SNL Transcripts: Ellen Degeneres: 12/15/01

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

December 15th, 2001

Ellen Degeneres

No Doubt

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

  • CBS Terrorist Update

    Osama bin Laden (Will Ferrell) video reveals contest of ideas.

    Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

  • Ellen Degeneres’ Monologue

    Degeneres admits that lesbianism was just for one-upmanship.

  • The Culps

    Culps (Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer) sing at mall pageant.

    Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

  • Kitty Singleton, Federal Agent

    Federal Agent (Degeneres) gets beaten during undercover case.

  • TV Funhouse

    “The Narrator That Ruined Christmas” blames 9/11 attacks.

  • No Doubt performs “Hey, Baby”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Tracy Morgan provides selfish romantic gift ideas.

    Tina and Jimmy sing tribute to Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.

  • Mango

    Degeneres turns back on lesbianism for romance with Mango (Chris Kattan).

    Recurring Characters: Mango.

  • Family Vacation

    Traveling family leave home vulnerable to self-disaster.

  • My Big Thick Novel

    Sigh in front of aliens covers for unnoticed flatulence.

  • Christmas Stepmother

    Grown kids (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) hate substitute mom (Degeneres).

  • Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe

    Cheney (Darrell Hammond) reflects whole shaking snowglobe.

    Snowglobed Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan Christmas ditty.

    Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

  • No Doubt performs “Hella Good”

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 01/19/02

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    January 19th, 2002

    Jack Black

    The Strokes

    Kyle Gass

    The Strokes, “Last Night”

  • Bush Eats Pretzel

    President Bush (Will Ferrell) pretzel choke is cover-up.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

  • Jack Black’s Monologue

    Black sings about exciting experience hosting SNL.

  • Flenderson’s

    Gift cars are meaningless without a huge bow from Flenderson’s.

  • Russell Putnam: Private Investigator

    Pothead reporter Russell Putnam (Black) solves a mystery pot cover-up.

  • Tales of Valour

    Monster (Black) prefers slutty girl over virgin (Amy Poehler) sacrifice.

  • Love-ahs

    Lovers Roger (Will Ferrell) and Virginia (Rachel Dratch) vacation at ski lodge.

    Recurring Characters: Roger Klarvin, Virginia Klarvin.

  • Friends Promo

    Sibling romance explored on the next episode of “Friends”.

  • Now That’s What Actors Call Singing!: Volume 1

    Celebrities sing awful versions of well-known pop tunes on new album.

  • Bass-Off

    Rivaling guitarists (Black, Will Ferrell) compete in a Bass-Off.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Jimmy Fallon has an Opinion on..

    Amelie (Chris Kattan) visits the desk without saying a word.

    Tenacious D (Black, Kyle Gass) sing about the Hornet’s Nest.

  • The Strokes perform “Last Night”

  • America Undercover

    White trash couple (Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler) face argument over extramarital affair.

  • Happy Birthday Song

    Mental giant (Black) composes new, complex “Happy Birthday” song.

  • My Big Thick Novel

    Monkey aids prisoner in escape and prepares breakfast.

  • The Strokes perform “Hard to Explain”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Jon Stewart: 03/09/02

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 9th, 2002

    Jon Stewart


    George Plimpton

    India.Arie, “Video”

  • A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

    Vice-President Cheney (Darrell Hammond) addresses Letterman issue.

    Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

  • Jon Stewart’s Monologue

    Stewart jokes about cable television and gays in the military.

  • The Cheese Game

    Game helps kids learn to appreciate the value of cheese.

  • TRL

    Lou Perlstein (Stewart) shows off genetically-mutated boy band.

  • The Bloder Brothers

    Kip (Jimmy Fallon) & Wayne (Chris Parnell) get detained at the airport.

    Recurring Characters: Kip Bloder, Wayne Bloder.

  • TV Funhouse

    Fun With Real Audio mocks Colin Powell’s M-TV chat with teenagers.

  • Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy

    Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan interview Stewart.

  • Newscaster Party

    David Letterman (Jeff Richards) appears at Ted Koppel’s (Darrell Hammond) party.

    Recurring Characters: Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Ted Koppel, Helen Thomas,

    Starr Jones, David Letterman.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Chris Kattan gives a Terrible Re-Enactment of John McEnroe firing.

    Jon Stewart jumps in when Jimmy Fallon is incapacitated.

    Drunk Girl gives tips for a safe Spring Break.

    Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

  • India.Arie performs “Video”

  • BET Jazz: Jazzvisions

    Spoon instrumentalist Lonny Bartz (Stewart) discusses his music career.

  • We Were Soldiers That Knew What Women Want

    Mel Gibson (Stewart) movie combo poorly addresses two subjects.

  • India.Arie performs “Ready For Love”

  • My Big Thick Novel

    Author debates whether or not he should jump from party.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Billy Bob Thornton: 11/17/01

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 27: Episode 6

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    November 17th, 2001

    Billy Bob Thornton



    Steve Higgins

    Ashton Kutcher
    Donald Rumsfeld Press BriefingSummary: Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) takes questions from the press corps.

    Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld.



    Billy Bob Thornton’s MonologueSummary: Billy Bob Thornton endures questions from audience members imitating his character from “Sling Blade.”


    Gay ThanksgivingSummary: The flamboyant antics of a gay Indian (Billy Bob Thornton) ruin the first Thanksgiving for the Pilgrims.


    EPT Home Pregnancy TestSummary: Strangers (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) check to see if they’re pregnant.

    Note: Repeat from 11/03/01.

    Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Nick Burns’ (Jimmy Fallon) dad (Billy Bob Thornton) helps him insult the office flunkies when their father-son lunch is interrupted.

    Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.


    Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: More animal mayhem and stupidity with Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan).

    Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.


    Inside the Actor’s StudioSummary: Following an excruciating interview session, Billy Bob Thornton conducts a personal manhunt of James Lipton (Will Ferrell).

    Recurring Characters: James Lipton.


    Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) offers patriotic Thanksgiving tips to her viewers.

    Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.


    War PartySummary: Partygoers celebrate the latest U.S. victory in Afghanistan.


    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Harry Potter (Rachel Dratch) is exhausted during his movie press junket.

    Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.


    Creed performs “My Sacrifice”

    Fenced-In AreaSummary: A complacent farmer (Billy Bob Thornton) hasn’t decided on what to do with the fenced-in-area of his yard.


    Creed performs “Bullets”

    My Big Thick NovelSummary: Author Jack Handey expresses his irk with hooligans and shenanigans.



    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kirsten Dunst: 05/11/02

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 11th, 2002

    Kirsten Dunst



    Eminem, “Without Me”

  • White House Cabinet Meeting

    President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) fakes political knowledge with Cabinet.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice.

  • Kirsten Dunst’s Monologue

    Horatio Sanz tries to convince Dunst that he’s Spider-Man.

  • Clear Results

    Obviously pregnant woman (Ana Gasteyer) waits for results to be sure.

  • Last Call with Carson Daly

    Carson Daly (Jimmy Fallon) hits on sample pianist Alexis Yarlsburg (Dunst).

    Recurring Characters: Carson Daly.

  • TV Funhouse

    Digital technology of “Bambi 2002” is no match for discontinued “Bambi”.

  • Demilon

    Keeps Alzheimer’s patients in the dark.

  • Rehearsal Scene

    Background actors ruin the scene for headline performers.

  • Jarrett’s Room

    Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) accuses webcam co-ed (Dunst) of mimicry.

    Recurring Characters: Jarret, Gobi.

  • Eminem performs “Without Me”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    The Hilton Sisters (Dunst, Maya Rudolph) make a surprise visit.

    Chris Kattan’s Terrible Re-Enactment of Queen Elizabeth streaker.

    Chris Parnell raps about pretend girlfriend Dunst.

  • Court TV

    Anna Kournikova (Dunst) Penthouse lawsuit turns into “Laugh-In”-style gogo.

  • Wake Up Wakefield

    The show goes on location for slumber party at Jenna’s (Dunst) house.

    Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman.

  • The DeMarco Family

    Kyle (Chris Kattan), Sean (Chris Parnell), Tamara Demarco (Dunst) dance for Eminem.

    Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

  • My Big Thick Novel

    Author explains to young daughter what to do with old horses.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Ian McKellen: 03/16/02

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 16th, 2002

    Ian McKellen

    Kylie Minogue


    Kylie Minogue, “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”

  • A Message From Tom Ridge

    Tom Ridge (Darrell Hammond) unveils new color-coded alert system.

  • Ian McKellen’s Monologue

    McKellen explains why he loves the cast of “Saturday Night Live”.

  • Kotex Classics

    Kotex Classics bring back the thrill of the pads of yesteryear.

  • Versace Oscar Party

    Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) makes her Oscar picks.

    Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace.

  • Delicious Dish

    Liam Shannessy (McKellen) discusses Irish cuisine.

    Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Lynn.

  • TV Funhouse

    Fun With Real Audio explores Bjork’s swan outfit at the 2001 Oscars.

  • Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theatre

    Killer (Chris Parnell) can’t escape detective (McKellen) on small balloon.

  • Kylie Minogue performs “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Dame Maggie Smith (McKellen) reems Oscar nominees, kisses Jimmy Fallon.

    Paula Jones (Rachel Dratch) regrets boxing match with Tonya Harding (Amy Poehler).

    Jimmy Fallon’s Scottish joke magically summons Louie Anderson (Jeff Richards).

    Recurring Characters: Paula Jones, Tonya Harding.

  • The Ferey Muhtar Talk Show

    Turkish talk show bombs except for Darrell Hammond’s loose fake moustache.

    Recurring Characters: Ferey Muhtar, Tariq Uzekiel.

  • One-Man Show

    Edmund McGrave (McKellen) presents the life and times of Charles Dickens via wigs.

  • Kylie Minogue performs “In Your Eyes”.

  • Kevin and Richie’s Comic Book Zone

    Kevin (Seth Meyers) and Richie (Horatio Sanz) share a love for comic books.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/20/02

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    April 20th, 2002

    Alec Baldwin



    P.O.D., “Youth of the Nation”

  • Fox News: Blake Murder Mystery

    News anchors are excited about the hype surrounding Robert Blake case.

    Recurring Characters: Geralso Rivera.

  • Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

    Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) tries to stop Baldwin from saying anything crazy.

    Recurring Characters: Al Gore.

  • Kotex Classics

    (Repeat) See: 03/16/01.

  • Voice Mail

    Larry (Baldwin) discovers his voice sounds gay to other people.

  • White Men & Black Woman

    Rich white men dump their wives for older black women.

  • Ozzy Osbourne

    Osbourne family interrupts Ozzy’s (Horatio Sanz) recording session.

    Recurring Characters: Ozzy Osbourne.

  • The Cardinals

    The Pope (Baldwin) requests that priests keep privates to themselves.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Ally McBeal (Rachel Dratch) objects to concellation of her show.
    Tobey Maguire (Seth Meyers) is non-energetic choice for Spiderman role.
    Tina Fey’s daughter Savannah (Amy Poehler) is embarrassed by Mom’s work.

    Recurring Characters: Ally McBeal.

  • P.O.D. performs “Youth of the Nation”

  • Love-ahs

    Surprise birthday party for Roger Clarvin (Will Ferrell).

    Recurring Characters: Roger Clarvin, Virginia Clarvin.

  • Anti-France Ad

    Let’s resume hating the French.

  • The Tony Bennett Show

    Bennett (Baldwin) makes fun of Liza Manelli’s (Maya Rudolph) husband.

    Recurring Characters: Liza Manelli.

  • TV Funhouse

    Anatominals embarrass Lorne Michaels in front of visiting Senate officials.

  • P.O.D. performs “Alive”

  • My Big Thick Novel

    Sight of knife-weilding clown elicits laugh from author.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Derek Jeter: 12/01/01

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    December 1st, 2001

    Derek Jeter


    Bubba Sparxxx

    David Wells

    David Cone

  • A Message From the Attorney-General of the United States

    John Ashcroft lists signs that someone might be a terrorist.

    Recurring Characters: John Ashcroft, President George W. Bush.

  • Derek Jeter’s Monologue

    Jeter injures audience members by hitting baseballs into the studio.

  • Preparation H

    (Repeat) See: 09/29/01.

  • The Iglesias Brothers

    Older, uglier Iglesius brother (Jeter) joins in on album.

  • Baseball Wives

    Wives of Yankee ballplayers gab in the stands.

  • The Masseuse

    Jeter is too tense to enjoy session with masseuse (Chris Kattan).

  • Dissing Your Dog

    Dogs learn who’s master of the house with new video help series.

  • Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole

    During off-season, Jeter sells tacos.

  • Dealing With Mom & Dad

    Jeter helps family’s son (Chris Kattan) play better baseball through violence.

  • Shakira performs “Whenever, Wherever”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Jeter in Point/Counterpoint with Red Sox fan Seth Meyers.

  • Osama Pep Talk

    Taliban wants the $25 million for Osama bin Laden’s (Will Ferrell) head.

  • The Perm

    Everyone laughs at Glen’s (Jeter) outdated, unstylish perm.

  • Bubba Sparxxx performs “Ugly” & “Lovely”

  • Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

    Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan update Christmas ditty.

  • My Big Thick Novel

    Author acknowledges bizarre breeding for reproductive purposes.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Seann William Scott: 10/06/01

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 27: Episode 2

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    October 6th, 2001

    Seann William Scott



    Chevy Chase
    A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Regarding the 9/11 attacks, President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) advises Osama bin Laden: “You screwed up big time.”

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.


    MontageNote: Ben Stiller was originally scheduled months in advance to host this episode, but his publicists tried to get Marci Klein to move him up to the season premiere so he could promote an earlier release for “Zoolander.” Presuming Stiller was trying to cancel his hosting gig because he didn’t think he could be funny so soon after the 9/11 attacks, Klein disinvited him altogether.

    Note: Seann William Scott was originally scheduled to host the next episode.

    Seann William Scott’s MonologueSummary: Seann William Scott presents footage of semen scenes in classic Hollywood films his ancestors starred in.


    Law & Order: Parking Violations UnitSummary: The latest incarnation of “Law & Order” focuses on some of the lesser crimes of the suburban area.


    Jeffrey’sSummary: More customer insults from the stuck-up clothing emporium clerks (Jimmy Fallon, Seann William Scott).

    Recurring Characters: Clerk, Burly Customer, Supervisor.


    Emmy Awards Pre-ShowSummary: Joan Rivers (Ana Gasteyer) speaks out at the dressed-down festivities.

    Recurring Characters: Steve Kmetko, Joan Rivers, Calista Flockhart, Della Reese, Garry Shandling, Camryn Manheim, Walter Cronkite.

    Note: This sketch appeared as the cold opening in dress rehearsal.


    Jarret’s RoomSummary: Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Gobi (Horatio Sanz) return for a new semester of college hijinks by showing off some bad yearbook photos.

    Recurring Characters: Jarret, Gobi, Jeff, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.


    Sum41 performs “Fat Lip”

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Tina Fey delivers a Visceral Editorial about Israel. Tracy Morgan says that he’s in favor of racial profiling. Tina Fey is attacked by the infamous Land Shark (Chevy Chase).

    Recurring Characters: Land Shark.


    Patriotic ShortsSummary: Office workers are allowed to wear flag-themed clothing as a display of patriotism, but Dale McGrew (Will Ferrell) takes it too far when he shows up wearing a tiny pair of flag speedos.

    Recurring Characters: Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez.


    The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan) tries to use his wily charms on Paula Zahn (Amy Poehler).

    Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Senor Guadalupe Ramirez, Paula Zahn.

    Note: This sketch was last from last week’s dress rehearsal with Reese Witherspoon playing Paula Zahn.


    My Big Thick NovelSummary: Jack Handey reads from a chapter in which his character is hit with a blowdart.


    Sum41 performs “In Too Deep”

    The Approval CenterSummary: Deadbeats are approved for anything and everything, without even fully understanding the circumstances.


    My Girlfriend the Porn StarSummary: Sara (Amy Poehler) comes clean to her boyfriend (Seann William Scott) and admits that she makes porn movies for a living.



    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Hugh Jackman: 12/08/01

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 27: Episode 8

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    December 8th, 2001

    Hugh Jackman

    Mick Jagger


    White House MeetingSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) phones the White House during a crucial meeting.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Vice-President Dick Cheney, Al Gore, Donald Rumsfeld.



    Hugh Jackman’s MonologueSummary: Hugh Jackman sings “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.”


    Loose BearSummary: Loose Bear scares the crap out of you when you’re constipated.


    Jarret’s RoomSummary: Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Gobey (Horatio Sanz) crack up over their suitemate’s (Jeff Richards) embarrassing home videos.

    Recurring Characters: Jarret, Gobey, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.


    The Robert Goulet All-Holiday SpecialRecurring Characters: Robert Goulet.


    Family Christmas PortraitSummary: Messed-up photographers (Hugh Jackman, Seth Meyers) wreck havoc for a family posing for a portrait at Sear’s.

    Mick Jagger performs “God Give Me Everything I Want”Also Appeared: 92l

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Chris Kattan’s gives a Terrible Re-Enactment of Geraldo Rivera’s fall in Afghanistan. Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) hits on Jimmy Fallon during her commentary.

    Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.


    Hello, DollySummary: More grotesque – yet, cute – dolls are put on display.

    Recurring Characters: Deanna Nolen Gray.

    Mick Jagger’s Dressing RoomSummary: Mick Jagger talks to his reflection (Jimmy Fallon) in his dressing room mirror.


    Superman’s Fortress of SolitudeSummary: Superman’s (Hugh Jackman) parents (Will Ferrell, Maya Rudolph) make awkward small talk with their son.

    Recurring Characters: Superman.


    Mick Jagger performs “Vision Of Paradise”

    The Donatella Versace ShowSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) interviews fashion experts.

    Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace.

    The Christmas KangarooSummary: Hugh Jackman recalls his dad (Will Ferrell) fighting with the Christmas Kangaroo, and subsequently getting anal-raped.




    Dress Rehearsal Cuts

    Little SleuthsSummary: Little sleuths Bookie Newton (Seth Meyers) and kid sister Sam (Amy Poehler) help early 1900’s British detective Alistair Chesterfield (Hugh Jackman) deduce who killed Lady Worthington.

    Recurring Characters: Bookie Newton, Sam.

    Note: This sketch appears as a bonus feature on SNL’s Best of Amy Poehler DVD.


    SNL Transcripts