Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Forefathers Of The Game

Billy “The Gun” Van Goff….Steve Martin
Lew Massey….Darrell Hammond
Ray “The Monster” Krupp….Bobby Moynihan
“Crazy” Pete Damashek….Jason Sudeikis
Jack Vernon….Bill Hader
Jack Snaad….Will Forte
Gabe Silverberg….Andy Samberg

Announcer: You´re watching ESPN Classic. (ESPN logo)

(Opens with old football footage in black and white)

Announcer: Professional football didn´t have the glamour that it has today. In the early days there was little pay and no rules. Today we journey back for another episode of “Forefathers of the game”

Caption: Forefathers of the game

(Extremely old man)

Caption: Lew Massey Head Coach Altoona Quarrymen 1929-1937

Lew Massey: The greatest player with the most meteoric rise I´ve ever coached was Billy “The Gun” Van Goff.

(black and white still of Billy holding a football)

Caption: Ray “The Monster” Krupp Linebacker Allegheny Miners 1931-1939

(old man also)

Ray “The Monster” Krupp: The quarterback we most feared? “The Gun”.

Caption: “Crazy” Pete Damashek Middle Linebacker Allegheny Miners 1929-1933

(old man)

“Crazy” Pete Damashek: “The Gun”. We hated playing “The Gun”.

(Newsreel in black and white with Billy holding a football, laughing. Cut to Billy in the present, very old)

Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: They called me “The Gun” for 2 reasons. One, I had the best arm in the league. And the second reason was I always brought a gun on the field.

(Black and white still of Billy holding a gun)

Lew Massey: I remember the first time I coached “The Gun”, he got tackled and he was so mad.( black and white photo of the young couch yelling) And when he came back to the sidelines I yelled: “Well, what are you going to do about it?” And, I´ll never forget, he said: “I´m gonna get my gun”.

(Black and white photo of a young referee blowing his whistle)

(Cut to the now elderly referee)

Caption: Jack Vernon Head Official Pennsylvania Valley Football Assoc.

Jack Vernon: I was the only one official in the league at the time and there was, with good reason I should add, some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm during a game. But technically, there was no rule against it.

Caption: Jack Snaad Commissioner PVFA

(black and white photo of the commissioner sitting at his desk)

(cut to the elderly commissioner)

Jack Snaad: As commissioner of the league I moved quickly to ban firearms but there was one major loophole.

Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: The rule had a grandfather clause. Anyone who had used a gun in a game was allowed to keep it.

(black and white still of Billy pointing gun to terrorized players)

Ray “The Monster” Krupp: Of course we were upset. He had a great arm and a GUN.

“Crazy” Pete Damashek: We just dropped back and he´d stand there pointing the gun at us. Daring us to rush him. I remember a whole quarter went by with him yelling: “Which one of you sons of bitches wants to eat a bullet?” (Black and white still of Billy holding off a bunch of football players at gunpoint) That´s not football.

Caption: Original Radio Broadcast October 27, 1932

Radio: Goff drops back….here comes the defense….(Bang!) The defense is running away! (Bang!) Throws….touchdown Quarrymen! (Bang! Bang!)

(another still of Billy celebrating, shooting his gun up in the air)

Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: We were undefeated going into our championship game and we would´ve won it all if not for….the incident.

Caption: 1932 PVFA Championship Game

(Black and white newsreel of the game, its snowing)

Lew Massey: In the championship game “Gun” was getting a little cocky. He would openly drink on the sidelines (Billy drinks from a flask) and so it made him more intimidating.

Ray “The Monster” Krupp: We could tell he was drunk. We decided this was our chance. Lets all out blitz him. He can´t shoot all of us.

(still of the whole team after Billy “The Gun”)

“Crazy” Pete Damashek: And we surprised him. He threw it as far as he could (Ray “The Monster” Krupp jumps after Billy “The Gun”) and turned at us, took aim….but he was still holding the football yet.(Billy looks at the football dumbfounded) He´d thrown the gun.

(black and white newsreel of a young football player with football in his hands)

Lew Massey: Gabe Silverstein was our star receiver. (still of Gabe about to make a catch) It was snowing so hard that he didn´t realize he was catching a gun until it was too late. (still of Gabe catching a gun pointed at his head)

Jack Vernon: (emotional) Gabe made 2 catches that day. A touchdown. And a bullet.

Jack Snaad: I had no choice but to kick “Gun” out of the league and thus ending one of the greatest football careers I´ve ever seen.

(newsreel of Billy shooting his gun up in the air. Bang! Bang!)

Announcer: This has been ESPN Classic.

(ESPN logo)

(Cheers and applause)

(Fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Introverts

Glenn…..Steve Martin
Neil…..Will Forte
Jean…..Kristen Wiig
Waitress…..Abby Elliott
Patron #1…..Bill Hader
Patron #2…..Kenan Thompson

FADE IN:

EXT. SPORTS BAR – NIGHT

INT. SPORTS BAR – NIGHT

[ Several patrons are watching Super Bowl XLIII. NEIL, JEAN, and GLENN come in. ]

Neil: Well… here we are.

Jean: It’s too bad The Lily Pad Café was closed, but I’m sure the tea & toast here will be good.

Glenn: This place is on my speed walking route, but I never had the nerve to come in.

Jean: What happened? Did you go to the nerve store?

[ Jean giggles. ]

Neil: Jean… good joke.

Glenn: Let’s find some chairs. My dogs are barking.

Neil: Glenn!?

Jean: I didn’t know you had dogs.

Neil: I hope someone’s taking care of them.

Glenn: Neil, Jean… it’s a figure of speech. By “dogs”, I meant feet.

Jean: At my next BBQ, I’m gonna serve hamburgers and hot feet.

[ Jean giggles. ]

Neil: Jean… more tasty wordplay.

Jean: Well, I’ve been reading a lot of “Beetle Bailey”.

Neil: Well, you can really tell.

[ Neil spots a WAITRESS. ]

Neil: Little girl! Little girl! Could you help us muzzle my friend’s feet with a seat? They’re really barking.

Waitress: You’re gonna have a really hard time finding one. The game’s started.

Glenn: Oh dear! How long does the game last?

Waitress: Like four hours…

Jean: Four hours!?

Neil: Heavens to Murgatroyd!

[ Two PATRONS in Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys turn to the three. ]

Patron #1: Shut up! We’re trying to watch the Super Bowl.

Glenn: Ah! The Super Bowl! That explains the proud display of all the numbered shirts!

Neil: I’ve never seen a Super Bowl.

Jean: I thought I did at one time. But all I saw was one team of beer bottles playing another team of beer bottles.

Glenn: I saw a Super Bowl, but not by choice. I was in the hospital with my neighbor’s cat, when he literally caught my tongue. And the man next to me wouldn’t pass the remote control – because he was dead.

Neil: My first Super Bowl. I’m on pins and needles.

Jean: I have to call you out on that. It looks like to me you’re on a mixture of sawdust and peanut shells.

Neil: Oh Jean! You funky-junky-joker monkey!

Jean: Don’t set me up for it if you don’t want me to slam it home.

[ Jean giggles. ]

Patron #1: Guys, can you find another place to stand?

Glenn: Oh great! Here’s a spot…

[ The three of them move to where all the patrons are viewing the high-def TV and stand there. ]

Patron #2: Hey! You’re blocking the TV!

Jean: Excuse me, little girl. Little girl, are you sure there aren’t three seats?

[ The waitress nods. The two patrons stand up. ]

Patron #1: Hey! Why don’t you sit on my face!?

Jean: I guess we only need two seats now.

[ Neil turns to Patron #2. ]

Neil: Excuse me, Sir? Is your face taken?

Patron #2: Yeah… it is!

[ Both patrons sit down. ]

Neil: Well let me know if it opens up.

[ Glenn spots an open area near the bar. ]

Glenn: Oh! Look yonder! I see a clearing big enough for the three of us!

[ The three of them move to the bar. ]

Neil: People seem to really like their spot selection. Kudos Glenn!

Glenn: I never saw such support from what I thought was such an unsupportive group!

Jean: I’m telling you its Barack Obama… he’s changing things.

Glenn: All this moving and talking has made my breath smell like a garbage can at a sushi restaurant.

Jean: I have some mints. I found them in my nephew’s room.

Neil: The same nephew who’s been in jail for selling ecstasy in plastic bags marked “Mints”?

Jean: That’s the one.

[ Jean pulls out a plastic bag out of her purse marked “Mints”. ]

Glenn: Well, I better take 20. My mouth tastes like a shoe bottom.

[ Jean gives both Glenn and Neil a handful. ]

Jean: Here’s a bunch for you… and here’s a bunch for you.

Glenn: Oh, thank you.

Neil: Excellent.

Glenn: I must say, these mints are not the most flavorful mints.

Neil: Suck harder, Glenn. The effectiveness is in the center.

Glenn: I’m sucking as hard as I can! I better take more.

[ Glenn pops more ecstasy in his mouth. The clock behind them shows an hour elapsing. ]

Jean: And then we fill our bathtubs with baby carrots and lettuce and then the bunnies will come. And then we will take the bunnies, stack them one by one until we get to Bunny Heaven. And then I’ll confront Jesus and ask him, “What’s your deal?”

[ The clock again displays another hour elapsing. ]

Glenn: We’ll still call it the Super Bowl. But in our version, it’ll be pants and skins – and by skins, I mean potato skins. And it will be decided by four, impartial judges – Mary Lou Retton, a pile of my dirty laundry, a cut-out of Mary Lou Retton, and a cut-out of my dirty laundry.

[ The clock displays another hour elapsing. ]

Neil: And then Jean will see the construction of a three-story denim vagina. For which then, a helicopter will lower into Times Square. The helicopter, made of a high quality salami, will be fed to some orphans. The orphans will then be fed to the denim vagina.

[ The waitress approaches. ]

Waitress: Seriously guys – we’re closed!

Neil: Little girl – you’re rude.

[ The waitress exits in disgust. ]

Jean: That’s America – it’s a problem.

[ Each of them finishes off the last three pills of ecstasy in their hands. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Issues

Clarence Jernegan…..Kenan Thompson
Sara Stokes…..Casey Wilson
Connor French…..Steve Martin

(Opens with Clarence sitting on his TV panel show writing on his clipboard)

Jingle: Everybody got issues, you and me got issues, he and she got issues, issues with Clarence Jernegan…

(Clarence is a black nerd with buck teeth and glasses)

Clarence Jernegan: Hello. Welcome to Issues. I´m your host Clarence Jernegan. This is s show where we help you with your issues. You know, I was 2 credits away from having my degree on social work from Arizona University, so I guess you could say, this is my passion. (chortles) Well, why don´t we get started and bring out our first guest? Please welcome, Sara Stokes.

(Sara is an attractive young woman but with horrible acne all over her face)

Sara Stokes: Thank you for having me, Clarence. I really need your advice on an issue that is tearing me up inside.

Clarence Jernegan: Yeah, I can see that. Well, the first thing I want to ask you is, have you ever tried “Clearasil”?

Sara Stokes: Um, maybe when I was a teenager.

Clarence Jernegan: Ok, how about “Oxy-10”?

Sara Stokes: No.

Clarence Jernegan: Have you ever thought of using “Proactive”? You know, Puff Daddy uses that.

Sara Stokes: Wh–, why are we talking about this? My issue is with my sister.

Clarence Jernegan: (condescending look) Really?

Sara Stokes: Yes, really. I do so much for my sister and she just does nothing for me in return. She wouldn´t even let me borrow a sweater.

Clarence Jernegan: Well, I wouldn´t either. I wouldn´t want you putting my sweater over all that mess up there.(points to her face)

Sara Stokes: Excuse me?

Clarence Jernegan: You know, if I were you I think my issue would be my pimples.

Sara Stokes: Ok, you know what? I´m ok with my skin.

Clarence Jernegan: Well, you shouldn´t be. Ok, you need to think about someone other than yourself for a change.

Sara Stokes: Ok, you are rude. And by the way, you have buck teeth.

Clarence Jernegan: So-o-o?! You know what? Why don´t you take your pimples home and away from my show?(Sara leaves)

Clarence Jernegan: Bye. Umm, what can we glean from this? When you´re looking in the mirror, you´re not just looking at yourself. You are seeing what everyone else has to look at all day. Ok? Lets move on to my next guest. Please welcome, Connor French.

(Connor is a middle-aged man with a mustache, curly hair and a very noticeable pair of saggy breasts. He sits down)

Connor French: Thank you for having in your show, Clarence. I´m at the end of my rope and I really need some support right now.

Clarence Jernegan: (eyes wide open looking at the boobs) Yeah, I can see that. Have you ever tried wearing a man-bra?

Connor French: What?

Clarence Jernegan: Or you can gain a lot of weight so that it all evens itself out.

Connor French: What are you talking about?

Clarence Jernegan: You ever thought about a poncho?

Connor French: I´m here to talk about my fear of water.

Clarence Jernegan: (condescending look) Really? (stares at the boobs, close-up on boobs) Oh, you know, I see. You don´t like taking your shirt off in public.

Connor French: No. I like my physique.

Clarence Jernegan: You do-o-o?!

Connor French: Yes. I´m just scared to go in the water. You know, undertows, sharks?

Clarence Jernegan: Well, what are you scared of? You got 2 built-in flotation devices.

Connor French: What are you talking about?

Clarence Jernegan: Your man boobs!

Connor French: What man boobs?!

Clarence Jernegan: Man, those big old hussy puppies! Last question: Can I squeeze one of them?

Connor French: (upset, gets up) Listen, bucky-bucky, buck tooth! You know you got buck teeth, right?!

Clarence Jernegan: So-o-o?!

Connor French: So, I don´t have to take this! So, I´m leaving!(adjusts his saggy breasts, leaves)

Clarence Jernegan: You know, I am so blessed that Sara and Connor allowed me to help them with their issues. Well, that´s all the time we have. I will see you next week on “Issues”. Provided that I get a ride here. I´m Clarence Jernegan. This has been “Issues”.

(Jingle plays again)

Jingle: Everybody got issues…..

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Steve and the Ladies

…..Steve Martin
…..Casey Wilson
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Abby Elliott
…..Michaela Watkins
…..Lorne Michaels

[ Casey Wilson taps on Steve Martin’s dresing room door ]

[ Steve opens the door to exit, while looking back and speaking to someone offscreen ]

Steve Martin: You’re wonderful, and you’re fantastic!

Casey Wilson: Oh. I’m sorry. Are you talking to somebody?

Steve Martin: No, there’s a mirror across the room!

[ Steve joins Casey in the hall ]

Casey Wilson: Um — Steve. I just have a question about comedy.

Steve Martin: Oh, Casey, you know I never talk to cast members, unless they’ve been here at least three years.

Casey Wilson: Oh, I understand. It’s just, you know, you’re The Master!

Steve Martin: [ flattered to his satisfaction ] Oh. Well… alright. One question. Go ahead.

Casey Wilson: Um — what is comedy?

Steve Martin: [ he chuckles ] You know, I get that a lot! Comedy = Time + Precision – Hope ÷ puns + wigs.

Casey Wilson: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Now, if you’ll excuse me — I need to go and not talk to you any more.

[ Steve saunters off, as Casey breaks into the opening stanza from “They Long To Be (Close To You)” ]

[ Kristen Wiig enters the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Casey?

Casey Wilson: [ stops abruptly ] What?! Nothing!!

Kristen Wiig: Oh… my… God! You have a huge crush on Steve!

Casey Wilson: No, I don’t — did he, did he say anything?

[ Steve re-enters ]

Steve Martin: Oh! Hi, Kristen! [ he playfully falls into her breasts with both hands positioned ] Oh, whoops! We-e-ell! Somebody doesn’t qualify for a SAG Award!

[ Steve chuckles, then wanders off, as Kristen breaks into the opening stanza from “Unforgettable”, which soon becomes a duet with Casey ]

[ Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins enter the hall ]

Abby Elliott: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Kristen Wiig: [ stops abruptly ] Nothing!!

Michaela Watkins: [ laughing ] You guys are in love with Steve, aren’t you?

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Casey Wilson: Very much so.

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Casey Wilson: He’s just — he’s SO real!

Kristen Wiig: So cool!

[ Steve again saunters past, this time gazing into a newspaper, looking up in time to barely notice Abby and Michaela ]

Steve Martin: Bimbo #1… Bimbo #2!

[ Steve saunters off again, as Abby starts the girls in a chorus of “At Last” ]

[ the camera pans over to find Steve standing with Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Why is it every time you host, the girls are in love with you?

Steve Martin: I don’t know. I don’t get it, either. But, frankly, now that I think about it — I do get it. [ with a sly nod to Lorne ] I’ll take care of this.

[ Steve approaches the girls ]

Steve Martin: Ladies, look — you’re all beautiful and intelligent women, but… I’m married, and I love my wife very much. And that’s why it’s very important… that she doesn’t find out about the orgy we’re about to have. [ the girls nod in understanding ] So, let’s go to Wardrobe, we’ll pick out some costumes!

Girls: Oh, okay!

[ they all turn around and walk down the hall arm in arm, everyone with someone else’s hand on their ass ]

Steve Martin: Yeah! That’s good!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!”

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to an abandoned oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! and from the looks of that dynamite we’ve got about 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room… Vicky, toss me that pen cap!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: New guy! What’s your name again?

MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.

MacGruber: MacGyver? that’s a stupid name… Okay, MacGyver, pass me that tumbtack!

MacGyver: I’d go with the gum wrapper.

MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you’re not MacGruber.

MacGyver: And I’m glad I’m not!

MacGruber: Good!

MacGyver: Good!

MacGruber: Good!

MacGyver: Good!

MacGruber: Good!… By the way, the 80’s called, they want their hair back.

MacGyver: Your hair is way more 80’s!

MacGruber: W-w-were running out of time!

Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky, hand me that Pepsi!

Vicky: Here you go!

MacGruber: [opens the Pepsi can] Get PEPSI BREAK!!!!

MacGyver: You just said we’re running out of time!

MacGruber: There’s always time… [shows the can to the camera] for Pep…

[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

Submitted by: Ramon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
[CUT to MacGruber drinking a Pepsi can]
There’s only one cola he would pour into his mouth hole!
MacGruber!
Pepsi is that cola!”

[CUT to MacGruber holding a bunch of Pepsi cans against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a supply ship. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Illegal Supply Ship.” CUT to a sign marked “Supply Ship Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is sealed shut!

Vicky: And from the looks of that C4 we’ve only got about… 15 seconds!!!

MacGruber: Okay, just take a chill, [opens a Pepsi can] crack a Pepsi, and refresh everything…

MacGyver: What does that even mean?

MacGruber: It’s Pepsi’s new motto, to me it means relax…

MacGyver: Are you sponsored by Pepsi or something?

MacGruber: Wha-a-at??? Maybe!! [Cut to MacGyver standing desperated on the door] but, who cares? I’m 100% my own man! By the way, my name illegally changed to PepSuber so you guys keep that in mind and addressing…

Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky?

Vicky: Fine!… PepSuber!

MacGruber: Okay, I better get to work on this baby… after this [gives a sip to his Pepsi can]

[CUT to the supply ship exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: PEPSUBER-RRR!!!!!

Submitted by: Ramon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Viva la Vida”

…..Jon Hamm
…..Coldplay

Jon Hamm: Ladies and gentlemen — Coldplay.

Coldplay: [ singing ]
“I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy’s eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
“Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!”

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn’t believe what I’d become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
I know Saint Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
I know Saint Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

The Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour

Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Michelle Obama…..Maya Rudolph
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Barney Frank…..Bobby Moynihan
Rahm Emmanuel…..Andy Samberg
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Rev. Jeremiah Wright…..Kenan Thompson
Bill Ayers…..Bill Hader

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Barack and Michelle Obama.

[ dissolve to Barack and michelle Obama standing before a glittery curtain ]

Sen. Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am Barack Obama, and this is my wife, Michelle. This coming Wednesday, our campaign will run a special thirty-minute address on all four major networks.

Michelle Obama: This airtime was initially purchased so that we could speak to you one last time about the issues.

Sen. Barack Obama: However, with poll numbers putting us so far ahead, we decided now’s the time to play it safe.

Michelle Obama: Instead of a conventional address, we’re going to carefully manage our lead and, well, shake things up…

[ wide shot reveals the full stage with lights all around and Obama’s logo across the stage floor ]

Sen. Barack Obama: With the “Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour”! It’s time to have some fun!

Michelle Obama: Because we got a lead in the polls, and we built it up.

Sen. Barack Obama: We built it up.

Michelle Obama: We built it up.

Together: [ to the tune of “Solid (As A Rock)” by Ashford & Simpson ]
“And now it’s solid
Solid as Barack!
That’s what this lead is
That’s what we got-got-got-got-got-got!”

Sen. Barack Obama: All your favorites from the campaign will be stopping by for songs and skits. Including House Democrats: Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, and Rahm Emmanuel.

[ cut to Frank, Pelosi, and Emmanuel ]

Nancy Pelosi: [ to the tune of “Our House” by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young ]
“Our house, is a very, very, very fine house!”

Barney Frank & Rahm Emmanuel: “Fine house!”

Nancy Pelosi: “When the Republicans were in charge”

Barney Frank & Rahm Emmanuel: “Life used to be so hard.

Nancy Pelosi: “Now everything is easy, ’cause of you-ou-ou-ou.”

[ cut to Barack Obama ]

Sen. Barack Obama: [ chuckling heartily ] And, of course, a party is never complete without… Bill Clinton.

[ cut to Clinton surrounded by two dancing girls ]

Bill Clinton: [ to the tune of “Don’t You (Forget About Me” by Simple Minds ]
“Don’t you, forget about me
Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t!”

[ he holds a thumbs-up pose ]

[ cut to Barack Obama ]

Sen. Barack Obama: Yeah! It’s been a long campaign, so let’s have some good old-fashioned fun… with Senator Joe Biden.

Sen. Joe Biden: [ chuckling ] Thanks for inviting me to dinner, Barack!

Sen. Barack Obama: So, Joe, I’m gonna ask: Why did you say that, if I was elected, a foreign power would test me with an international crisis? [ he looks over ] Hey, what are you eating?

Sen. Joe Biden: Oh, this? [ he holds up a rubber foot ] It’s my foot! In my mouth!

[ they both chuckle heartily ]

Sen. Barack Obama: You’ll even see Rev. Jeremiah Wright and University of Illinois at Chicago Professor Bill Ayers.

[ cut to Wright, with Ayers on keyboard ]

Rev. Jeremiah Wright: [ to the tune of “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley ]
“White devils be craaaaaaaaaazy!
White devils be craaaaaaaaaazy!”

[ Wright shrugs ]

[ cut to Michelle Obama ]

Michelle Obama: And some serious moments, like Barack meeting the spirit of John F. Kennedy.

[ cut to Barack Obama sitting with eyes closed, as the spirit of John F. Kennedy moves forward ]

Spirit of John F. Kennedy: Hey, Barack Obama. Over the years, there have been many pretenders in the Democratic Party, but you truly are the heir to my legacy.

Bill Clinton: [ steps forward ] Guys! I’m standing right here!

Sen. Barack Obama: Bill Clinton, everybody!

[ cut to Michelle Obama ]

Michelle Obama: So join us, this Wednesday, for the “Barack Obama Variety Half Hour”. I promise it will be…

[ Barack Obama joins her ]

Together: “Solid!”

Michelle Obama: Yes, it is!

Together: “Solid as Barack!”

[ everyone else joins them on stage ]

Together:
“That’s what this show isThat’s what we got-got-got-got-got-got!”

Barack Obama: Don’t forget to vote — FOR ME!!

Everyone:
“Solid!
Solid as Barack!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Gloria Swanson…..Kristen Wiig
James Mason…..Jon Hamm
Liberace…..Fred Armisen

[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate presents “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Now, please welcome your host, the spawn of Moloch – Vincent Price!

[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. Nefarious laughter is heard as Vincent Price slowly rises into frame on a prop elevator. A stuffed raven is on his shoulder.]

Vincent Price: All Hallow’s Eve. When the minions of Samhain come back… [ elevator stops mid-frame] Guys, I’m not fully up yet. You gotta keep pressing the…the thing. [ continues as elevator starts going back down ] …to reek havoc on the living, and – guys, wrong way. Wrong way! Up, up, up, up! Guys! [ only the top of his head is in the frame now ] Guys, what’s going on? [ pause ] Broken? Seriously?! …Fine, hold on a second. [ climbs up off elevator into frame ] All right. Well, thank you all for – [ elevator starts to rise ] Guys, I’m out. Stop it! [ looks at camera ] Thank you, and welcome to my Halloween special! Tonight, prepare yourself for a night of spooks and scares, as we [ strokes the raven ] have invited over some of our most famous friends for some tricks…and also some treats! They’ve all agreed to wear costumes, so see if you can recognize them.

[ doorbell rings ]

Let’s see who’s at the door. I hope it’s not a pirate and a spooky spaceman! [opens the door ] From the film “Sunset Boulevard,” Miss Gloria Swanson! And from “Lolita,” Mr. James Mason!

[ Gloria Swanson and James Mason enter. Neither one is wearing a costume. ]

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ confused ] Pirate? I don’t really see a lot of effort as far as dressing like a pirate goes. I thought we agreed you would wear a costume.

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate, can’t you tell? It’s about the acting – I’m an actress. That’s what I do, and when I say I’m a pirate, I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

James Mason: She’s a pirate, Price. My Jolly Roger was at full-mast the whole drive over.

[ He and Price watch as Swanson glides towards the camera ]

Gloria Swanson: Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ unamused ] Okay, very nice. No spaceman costume, James?

James Mason: No, didn’t even open the box. [ chuckles ] Too old-fashioned.

Vincent Price: The suit was too old-fashioned?

James Mason: No, I had two old fashions, and I couldn’t open the box. I’ve been drunk since 11 a.m., Price!

Vincent Price: Please, James, family show!

James Mason: Understood. Say, where are the whores?

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Jeezy-creezy, James! [ looks off-camera ] Gloria, what’s going on over there?

[ cut to Gloria Swanson standing near the fireplace holding a knife up to a pumpkin ]

Gloria Swanson: Get off my pirate ship, or the girl dies!

James Mason: Say, Vincent, do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable? I pissed myself on the way over here. [ Price stares at him in horror/disgust ] Pretty numb down there, so I only know it when it hits my ankles. [ heads towards fireplace ] Gloria, another drink?

Vincent Price: No more drinks! No more drinks! Please! [ organ music starts up ] Now, I’d like to introduce our most horrifying songsmith, ladies and gentlemen – the ghost of Liberace!

[ cut to Liberace playing on a white piano ]

Liberace: Thank you! Well, before I start my song, I wanna show y’all something. [ holds up jewel-encrusted bag ] This is a trick-or-treat bag that was given to me by the president of Argentina. Now, as you can see, it’s covered in sapphires and topazs.

[ Price approaches the piano ]

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] Where’s the ghost costume, Liberace?

Liberace: Ghost? I thought we agreed on restoration France by way of Atlantic City.

Vincent Price: Save your sassy asides for your windowless bars! [ approaches camera ] Now, prepare your ears for a truly horrifying performance. I shall recite Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven,” while Liberace provides haunting accompaniment.

[ dramatic piano music starts and a spotlight appears on Price ]

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I ponder weak and weary. [music becomes upbeat ] Over a many quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-” Haunting, Liberace. Haunting! [ annoyed ] “While I nodded nearly-” [ upbeat music continues ] Guys… [ to camera ] Is this music working for you? Because it is not working for me!

Liberace: [ stops playing ] I have some issues with the lyrics.

James Mason: Yes, same here, Vincent. That’s a real downer. Gloria and I could use something a bit more upbeat. Do you know this one? “There once was a girl named Ragina-“

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Stop! Family show!

James Mason: You don’t even know where it’s going!

Vincent Price: All the same…

James Mason: [ pause ] …Vagina.

Vincent Price: [ sarcastic ] Wonderful. [ glares at him ] Let’s move on to our pumpkin-carving contest. Ready, Gloria?

[ cut to Swanson holding a half-eaten pumpkin ]

Vincent Price: And she’s eaten the pumpkin.

Gloria Swanson: Arrrrrrr!

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] That’s great. Just great. Didn’t wanna throw the brakes on that, James?

James Mason: Well, what can I say, Vincent? I’ve never seen anyone put something that big down so fast.

Liberace: I have!

Vincent Price: [ losing his temper ] Cool it, Liberace! [ doorbell rings ] Ah, local children. Children! I’m reminding all of you, children! Especially…all of you. All right, let’s answer the door! [ mutters ] Ooh, yay, yippee…

[ Price opens door to find a young girl dressed as a princess and a young boy dressed as a sailor ]

Boy/Girl: Trick-or-treat!

Vincent Price: Awww! What are you supposed to be, young lady?

Girl: I’m a princess!

Vincent Price: Oh, how adorable!

James Mason: And you, young man. I imagine you’re dressed as some brand of homosexual.

Boy: You’re mean! I want my mom!

James Mason: [ smugly ] That makes two of us. Tell her to bring a lady friend for my friend Liberace over here.

Liberace: Oh, I’m good! [ chuckles ]

[ cut back to the kids running out ]

Vincent Price: Kids, no! Don’t go! [ shuts door ] Thanks, James. Now I’m going to wake up in the morning with a house covered in toilet tissue. [ looks into camera ] Let’s wrap it up! [ organ music starts and the elevator slowly begins to lower ] You have just partaken in a celebration most foul, where phantasms and wraiths… [ Gloria Swanson glides across the frame, blocking Price ] You wanna clear frame there? Just wanna- [ shakes head as she exits ] …wander the earthly plane in search of vengeance upon the living- [elevators stops again mid-frame] Guys, I thought we had this thing fixed! [elevators starts moving up and down] Oh great. Oh great. Oh well, have a happy Halloween everybody! [ yelps as he disappears quickly out of frame ] [ title card comes up overhead ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Thanks for watching!

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Road to the White House

Rep. John Murtha…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Next, on “Road to the White House”: earlier today, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden and congressman John Murtha spoke at a rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where they attempted to blow the election for Senator Obama.

[ dissolve to Murtha and Biden standing together at rally ]

Rep. John Murtha: How’s everybody doin’ today? Now, before we get started, I want to clear the air about something I said last week, when I suggested that the good people here in Western Pennsylvania are racist. That’s not at all what I meant to say. [ a beat ] It’s more that they’re ignorant, and they don’t know any better. Especially your older ones. They’re just bone ignorant. It’s like someone said earlier in the campaign — I don’t remember who — they cling to guns and religion, because they feel threatened. And that’s so true.

Sen. Joe Biden: Alright, Jack…

Rep. John Murtha: I couldn’t say it any better myself. But enough from me, I’m gonna hand this over to a guy you all know, the next Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden!

Sen. Joe Biden: Thanks, Jack! Thank you very much! Congressman Jack Murtha, everybody! [ the crowd cheers ] That’s alright, that’s alright! Let me tell you something, Johnstown! Two weeks from now, with the help of the people of Western Pennsylvania, we’re going to elect a new President. President Barack Obama! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey, look at that! Look at that, I see we’ve got Pete Harrigan here today! Look at that — a great state senator! Give it up for Pete! Stand up, Pete! Alright, Pete!

Let me tell you something else — and listen to me well. As sure as I’m standing here today, during his first few weeks in office, this brilliant young President is going to be tested! Tested by an international crisis, the likes of which this nation has never before seen! A deliberately manufactured crisis, designed to test his mettle! Alright? Now, in this crisis, he will have to make decisions, decisions that may at first, though they may seem, to the casual observer, seem a little ill considered. Our military may invade Pakistan! Or surrender to the Chinese! We may sell Hawaii to Saudi Arabia! Or just destroy it, so it can’t fall into North Korean hands. But just reserve your judgment. We know what we’re doin’! That’s right! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! Mickey Doyle! County Treasurer, everybody, Mickey Doyle! Nice to see you, Mickey?

Rep. John Murtha: If I could say something here. Earlier, what I said about Western Pennsylvania being ignorant — I was misquoted. I meant more, “backward”. Your people out here just don’t understand the modern world. ‘Cause they’re uneducated, and they don’t have radios or that kind of thing. Also, they’re racists!

Sen. Joe Biden: Mark my words! If you take away nothing else from what I say here today, or, indeed, in this entire campaign, remember this: If Barack Obama is elected, we WILL have a crisis! And when this crisis hits — and it will! — in the second week of February, we may do some weird things. We may cede Florida back to Spain! Or Alaska to the Russians! We may blow up every nuclear power plant in the country! We may set fire to Washington D.C.! We may round up all French-Canadians. But don’t lose faith, it’s all part of a plan. [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! There’s Pat Reardon, a great assistant D.A. here in Greene County! Pat, good to see ya, Pat!

Rep. John Murtha: If I could, I want to say one more thing about the people of Western Pennsylvania. Has anyone here ever seen a movie called “Deliverance”? No? [ he looks around awkwardly ] Never mind, then.

Sen. Joe Biden: I’m going to say something else now, and I want you to mark well the words that I say! The words that I say — and remember that I said them here today. In the second year of the Presidency of Barack Obama, a young child shall come from out of the North, from a city of steel! And this child shall rule for a time! But the child shall rule falsely! In deceit! By the trident of Neptune! What I have spoken is the TRUTH!!

Rep. John Murtha: Joe, do you think this “child” could be one of them Palin kids?

Sen. Joe Biden: Alright, be silent, come on! [ to the crowd ] Mark well, as I stand here today, the Time of Trouble shall last one year, one month, one day, one hour and one minute. [ he points into the crowd ] Hey Phil! How ya doin’, Phil? Phil Malloy, head of the Local Workers Steel! But at the appointed hour, the Time of Trouble shall end, and peace shall come to this land for one hundred years! The mouse shall bell the cat, the lamb shall lead the lion, the poor and ignorant shall know wisdom and plenty!

Rep. John Murtha: You hear that, Western Pennsylvania? That’ll be your time! What happens after the one hundred years?

Sen. Joe Biden: Beware the man with ONE sandal! He who is not of woman born! That is all I can reveal — the rest is classified!

Rep. John Murtha: Fair enough. You got that, people? Keep an eye out for a guy with one sandal, who’s maybe a robot, or a test-tube baby, or some kind of deal like that! But, if you spot him, don’t, you know, try to handle it yourself! Call the proper authorities!

Sen. Joe Biden: Gird your loins! By the beard of Jupiter, gird your loins!

Rep. John Murtha: I think my loins are okay. I was just at the doctor.

Sen. Joe Biden: Good, good. [ to the crowd ] As it has been spoken, so shall it come to pass! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! Andy Brennan’s here! Hey, look at that, Andy Brenna! You know Andy Brennan…Andy.

[ dissolve to C-Span card ]

Announcer: We will now leave this event, and go to an Obama/Biden rally in Kansas City, Missouri, where former President Clinton is about to spend two hours recounting the achievements of his administration, before he forgets to mention the Democratic candidate.

[ dissolve back to Biden at the rally ]

Sen. Joe Biden: And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts