Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Palin Press Conference

Tim Lydecker…..Jason Sudeikis
Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Reporter 1…..Fred Armisen
Reporter 2…..Will Forte
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Gov. Sarah Palin
…..Mark Wahlberg
…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on C-Span logo ]

Announcer: We now take you live to the press confenrece of vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin.

[ dissolve to press conference setting ]

Tim Lydecker: Good evening, I’m Tim Lydecker, Sarah Palin’s spokesman, and we’re very excited to be holding the Governor’s first official press conference. Now, tonight, nothing is off-limits — while, at the same time, I urge you guys to be cool. Seriously, guys, just be cool. And one last thing: no recording devices, and don’t write anything down.

[ the reporters express their opposition to this rule ]

Tim Lydecker: [ in mock surrender ] Okay, alright, alright! It was worth a shot! Can’t blame me for trying. Without further ado, I present Governor Sarah Palin.

[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters and stands behind the podium ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in front of both the liberal elite media, as well as the liberal regular media. I am lookin’ forward to a portion of your questions, so let’s get started. [ points ] Yes, you?

Reporter 1: What were your thoughts on Senator McCain’s debate performance Wednesday?

Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, I just thought he was great. Because the American people are angry. And John McCain is angry, too. And you can tell he’s angry by the way he sighs and grits his teeth, and he’s always goin’ like: [ she makes a growling noise ] And that Barack Obama? Well, if he’s angry, I certainly can’t tell. His voice is smooth, and, when he’s talkin’, it’s like an angel whispering in your ear. He makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill. So, to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great. [ points ] You, guy?

Reporter 2: Yeah, at a rally in North Carolina this week, you said that you like to visit the “pro-America parts of the country”. Are there parts of the country that you consider un-American?

Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, you know, that was just my lame attempt at a joke. But, um, yes — New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware and California. [ she gives a thumbs-down ] But, then, also, too, you have states like Ohio and Pennsylvania and Florida, which could be real, real anti-American or real, real pro-American. It’s up to them. [ she winks ] And now, I’d like to entertain everybody with some fancy pageant walkin’.

[ she begins to strut the stage ]

[ cut to backstage, where Lorne Michaels and the real Sarah Palin stare at Tina Fey’s performance on a monitor ]

Lorne Michaels: I really wish, uh, that that had been you.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, Lorne, you know, I just didn’t think it was a realistic depiction of how one of my press conferences woulda gone.

Lorne Michaels: Yes, but it’s obviously it’s a heightened reality.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Why couldn’t we do the “30 Rock” sketch I wrote?

Lorne Michaels: Honestly, not enough people know that show.

[ Mark Wahlberg enters ]

Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Mark? Mark!

Mark Wahlberg: I’m looking for Andy Samberg. Where is he?

Lorne Michaels: Mark, that was all in good fun.

Mark Wahlberg: Are you gonna make me bust your head open, too? Because I will. Where is he?

Lorne Michaels: [ pointing ] Third dressing room on the left.

Mark Wahlberg: Thank you.

[ he storms off ]

Lorne Michaels: [ to Palin ] He didn’t like the impression we did of him on the show.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Tell me about it.

[ Alec Baldwin enters ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey, Lorne. Hey, Tina. Lorne, I need to talk to you. You can’t let Tina go out there with that woman. She goes against everything we stand for. I mean, good Lord, Lorne, they call her… what’s that name they call her? Cari… Cari… What do they call her again, Tina?

Gov. Sarah Palin: Uh, that’d be Caribou Barbie.

Alec Baldwin: Caribou Barbie! Thank you, Tina. I mean, this is the most important election in our nation’s history. And you want her — our Tina — to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman. What do you have to say for yourself?

Lorne Michaels: Alec, this is Governor Palin.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Hi there.

Alec Baldwin: I see. Uh — forgive me, but I feel I must say this — YOU… are way hotter in person.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you.

Alec Baldwin: I mean, seriously. I can’t believe they let her play you.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Thank you, and I must say that your brother Stephen is my favorite Baldwin brother.

Alec Baldwin: [ he laughs ] You are a delight. Now, come, let me take you for a tour of the studio. You know, I’ve hosted the show… how many times, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: 175 times.

Alec Baldwin: 175 times!

[ Baldwin walks Palin down the hall, as we cut back to the sketch in progress ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: To answer your question — you know, I don’t worry about the polls. Polls are just a fancy way of systematically predicting what’s gonna happen. The only pole I care about is the North Pole, and that is melting. It’s not great.

[ Baldwin walks up to Fey and whispers in her ear ]

Tina Fey: [ startled ] What? The real one?! Bye-ee!

[ Fey rushes past Palin to exit the stage, as Palin takes the podium ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: Thank you. Now, I’m not going to take any of your questions, but I do want to take this opportunity to say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Readitrade.com

Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Casey Wilson
Man with dog…..Bobby Moynihan
Stocky black man…..Kenan Thompson
Executive…..Fred Armisen

[ quick-cut footage of Wall Street localities ]

Spokesman V/O: Wall Street. The financial capitol of the world. It can be a pretty scary place these days.

[ cut to Spokesman standing in front of Wall Street ]

Spokesman: Especially when your portfolio’s in someone else’s hands! That’s why, at Readitrade.com, we put the trading power in your hands.

[ quick-cut footage of various investors living the high-life: drinking lattes, catching cabs, etc. ]

Spokesman V/O: With your Readitrade account, you can manage your portfolio in your own way. so you can enjoy that latte, while you sell your stocks.

[ cut to man playing with his dog as he checks his investments online ]

Spokesman V/O: Or… spend time with an old friend. While you sell all your old stocks.

[ cut to stocky black man talking on the cell phone as he checks his investments online ]

Spokesman V/O: You can even warn friends to sell their stocks, while you sell every one of your stocks.

[ cut to Spokesman standing in front of Wall Street ]

Spokesman: With Readitrade.com, you can do ANYTHING you WANT to do in today’s market!

[ options scroll up the screen ]

Spokesman V/O: Sell stocks. Sell bonds. Sell annuities. Sell your 401(k). Sell your spouse’s 401(k). Sell your parent’s house. Sell your aluminum siding. Sell things you took from church. Sell mutual fund shares. Sell drugs. Or change your password.

[ cut to stocky black man checking the web site from his home ]

Spokesman V/O: Plus, our easy-to-use web site makes trading a snap!

[ cut to Spokesman walking down Wall Street ]

Spokesman: So check us out at Readitrade.com.

[ an executive stumbles out of building carrying boxes, bumps into Spokesman and tumbles to the pavement ]

Spokesman V/O: Now featuring Readitrade mobile. Cell phone alerts that’ll let you know when the entire finally has finally collapsed.

[ executive checks his investments over his cell phone, then screams in horror ]

Executive: Whhhhhyyyyyyyyy????!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Surprise Proposal

Sue….Kristen Wiig
Chris….Josh Brolin
Grace….Amy Poehler
Grace´s husband….Will Forte
Rick….Bill Hader
Kath….Casey Wilson

(Opens with a Japanese restaurant, cut to inside of it. A group of friends are sitting in the dojo looking room. It has a tiny table, everyone sits around it on the floor with the shoes off. A fish tank filled with lobsters is in the back)

Chris: So, thank you guys for coming tonight. I´m sure you´re all probably wondering what´s this dinner all about. And I got some great news! I´m planning on proposing to Kath tonight.

(Sue with her big multicolored sweater is getting excited)

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-od!

Chris: She thinks this is just gonna be a casual dinner just with family and friends. She has no idea that I´m gonna pop the question. Ok?

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-od!

Grace: How romantic.

Grace´s Husband: Yeah, I bet she´s gonna cry.

Sue: Oh, my God! Here?! At Takasowi´s?!

Rick: Yes, Sue. What´s going on with you?

Sue: I love surprises! I love being involved! Oh, God! I´m so FRICKIN´excited!

(Sue rocks back and forth)

Chris: Well, thanks for being here cause I´m happy too. You´re all so special to her and I know its going to mean a lot to her having you here so much.

Sue: When is it happening?

Chris: Soon. But look, before she gets here I want to go over how exactly is gonna work. Because you know, I´m a little nervous myself.

Grace: Oh, I remember when—

Sue:(containing her excitement) I´m sorry! She does not know this is happening! Oh, God! We do! We KNOW!

Chris: Sue, calm down. We know, its fine, its fine. Look, she´s gonna text me when she´s almost here and I just need you guys to act normal. I don´t want her to have any idea that this is happening.

(Sue can´t barely contain herself, she stuffs a handful of butterfly fritters on her mouth)

Rick: Sure. Sue? Sue? Sue? Are you all right?

Sue:(chewing) I get weak and then I got hungry and now my mouth is…(unintelligible mumbling)

Grace´s Husband: Sue, you need to get a hold of yourself.

Sue: Yeah, I´m all right. (drinks water) I´m gonna do it! Oh, God!

Chris: Grace, look, what do you think? I´m trying to decide whether I just present the ring or maybe I should hide it in her food…

Sue: HIDE IT!!! She is gonna come in here! She´s gonna think this is all about sushi but it is not! Oh, God! Her life is gonna change! She is not expecting this!

Grace: Well, I think hiding it in the food is very romantic.

Grace´s Husband: Yes, it is definitely a surprise.

Chris: (checking phone) Oh, my God! Here it is. She just texted me. My gosh, she´s gonna be here any minute. Oh, I´m really nervous, I´m really nervous. (looks over to Sue) What is she doing?

(Sue rolls around the floor, grabbing her mat and folding it around her)

Sue: She texted you!! Guys, she´s gonna be here soon!! What are we doing?! What are we doing?!

Chris: Sue, get up! Don´t ruin this. Oh, shoot. I have to think, I have to think, I have to think…all right. So, real quickly, this is where Kath is gonna be, she´s gonna be eating and then she´ll find the ring…..

Sue: (rocking sideways) Yes…yes…

Chris:….then I´m gonna say a bunch of stuff like mushy stuff, but I won´t do that. I´ll save that stuff for the real thing. And then I´m gonna pop the question and she´ll say….I don´t know. What do you think she´ll say?

Sue: I DO-O-O-O!!! (arms up in the air) That´s what she´s gonna say!!! She´s gonna say yes!!!

Grace: Sue, Sue what is wrong with you?

Chris: Oh, my God, guys! She´s coming, she´s coming. Sue, I think you should just get out of here. Rick, get her out of here.

(Rick takes Sue away)

(Kath enters the restaurant)

Kath: Hi, sweetie.

Chris: Hi, honey.(kiss)

Grace´s Husband: How you doing?

Kath: Hey, I thought Sue was coming.

(Sue is behind the fish tank biting on the collar of her sweater)

Grace´s Husband: She went to wash her hands.

Grace: Yeah, she should be back any minute.

Rick: She´s back.

(Sue has a lobster´s claw clamped in her mouth)

Kath: What is Sue doing?

Chris: Oh, she´s just– she´s just joking around.

Kath: Ok, well….

Sue: Things are gonna change for you tonight!!!

Rick: Sue, don´t.

Sue: There´s a surprise for you!! What?! Oh, God! Question coming…something I can´t talk about!! Who?!! Him and You!!! Tonight!! It is happening!! Oh, my God! Don´t look at your food!!! Oh, stop it!! Who said that?! I´m saying!!! Oh, God here it comes!! Oh, God Here it comes!! I´m gonna say it!! Oh, God! oh, God! Here it comes!!!

Rick: Sue, shut up, shut up!

(Waiter comes with tray)

Waiter: Glass wine?

(Sue takes the wine, splashes it on her own face and smashes the glass on her head, falls unconscious)

Kath: What is happening?!

Chris: This isn´t exactly how I wanted to do it but I don´t want this surprise to get ruined before I have this chance so….

(Chris takes ring out and gets down on one knee)

Kath: Oh, my gosh!

Grace: Oh, he´s getting on one knee.

(Sue gets up all excited)

Sue: ONE KNEE!!! I LOVE TRADITION!!!

(Sue jumps through the paper partition doors of the restaurant)

Chris: Kath, will you marry me?

Kath: Oh, my gosh, Chris! Yes! Yes! (hugs Chris)

Rick: Congratulations.

Kath: We´re getting married.

(Sue jumps back in through the hole, grabs a piece of the door)

Sue: AHH, SHE SAID YES!!! THERE´S GONNA BE A WEDDING!!! AAAHHH!!

(Sue jumps back out of the hole)

Chris: I love you, honey. (kisses Kath)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

The Suze Orman Show

Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig
Michelle (on phone)…..Amy Poehler
Dick Dunkendirk…..Josh Brolin

[ opening graphics ]

Announcer: It’s… “The Suze Orman Show”!

[ dissolve to Orman on her set ]

Suze Orman: Hello, my friends! And welcome to a special episode of “The Suze Orman Show”. As you all know right now, our country’s financial health is, as my sweet rabbi used to say, “sucking wind.” How bad is this crisis? Well, my dear, dear friends, let me answer that question WITH a question. Have you ever left a bowl of broccoli in your microwave while you went out of town for a year? Then came home to a stench so foul it caused your hair to stand on end and then repart itself on the other side? Well… I… have! And I’ll tell you, the smell doesn’t even compare to the hot FUNK that is rising from our country’s economy! One good thing that has come out of this chaos is that I have been everywhere lately. I’ve been on “Oprah”, “Larry King”, “The Today Show”… I’ve been busier than the map of the world fabric that lines my favorite safari vest that I got in a gift bag two years ago when I attended the release party of the new Snapple flavor African Berry Tea Blossom Lemon!

We are going to open the phone lines early tonight, my dear people friends. Because I know you have a lot of questions! So, like I say to my life partner when she’s hugging our glow-in-the-dark constellations quilt that I got from my favorite store in the Phoenix Airport, Dream Spirit Catcher of the Horse Wind”… “Come on, baby, lay it on!” Hello, is this Michelle?

Michelle (on phone): Uh, yes. Hi, Suze, thanks for taking my call.

Suze Orman: How can I help you, Michelle, my belle?

Michelle (on phone): Well, we just bought a house last year, and we have quite a bit of money tied up in stocks…

Suze Orman: Hold it right there, Michelle. I already know what your question is. You were going to ask me, “Suze, where the F did you get that jacket?”

Michelle (on phone): Uh, no. I was actually going to ask…

Suze Orman: Well, here’s the scoop-a-doop doop: I won this jacket at a silent auction in 1999. I had to have it as soon as I heard it was worn in by an extra in an episode of “Suddenly Susan”. And, sorry, Michelle, I will keep this jacket until the day I die! Literally! Because I am going to be buried in it when I take my final dirt nap! Does that answer your question, Michelle?

[ hang-up sound effect ]

Suze Orman: Onward and outward. The next caller is here on the show, via satellite from Colorado. Please welcome Dick Dunkendirk. Hello, boyfriend!

Dick Dunkendirk: Hello, Suze! I love your show!

Suze Orman: And so… do… I! Dick, I understand in the past few weeks, you, like so many, lost everything.

Dick Dunkendirk: I sure have, Suze. The only things I have left in my name are a portable shed and two incomplete decks of Cranium cards. Literally! It’s funny, a couple of years ago I considered it a problem deciding which sushi restaurant to take my Romanian supermodel girlfriend to. Now I have to decide between using my Mr. Coffee filters as toilet paper, or sewing them together to make a fake shirt to wear on job interviews! [ he laughs ] Help me out here, Suze! I really screwed the poodle!

Suze Orman: Okay, I’m going to give it to you straight, boyfriend.

Dick Dunkendirk: Okay!

Suze Orman: I think it’s time for you to bust into your emergency savings account. Sorryyyy!

Dick Dunkendirk: Uh, Suze, I-I don’t think that you heard me right. I have NOTHING! I-I took a sponge bath this morning in a TJ Maxx bathroom. It’s grim, Suze.

Suze Orman: Okay, then I hate to say it, but it’s time for you to take the penalty and cash in a small percentage of your pension. Okay, my dear? All better?

Dick Dunkendirk: Nnnno! Not okay. Not all better. You know, yesterday I caught a roach and I thought about selling it to someone in a nursing home as a pet. So, let me repeat: things are not good! [ he laughs nervously ]

Suze Orman: Okay, then, now I get it. This… is… serious. The very first thing you need to do is combine all your checking and savings accounts, and put them into a Roth IRA immediately!

Dick Dunkendirk: My bed is four opened pizza boxes lined with Pampers! Okay?

Suze Orman: And then take what’s left over and get a small apartment, lease a car, and start over.

Dick Dunkendirk: Hey! Crazy Cakes! You’re not hearing me! Last night, I cooked my own hair over a match and ATE it! Oh, and did I mention I sold my nipples to a medical school? [ he lifts his shirt to reveal bandages where his nipples once were ] Bye! [ he walks away ]

Suze Orman: What a wonderful story! Well, that is it for today. Look, I know a lot of you are feeling hopeless in this current financial crisis, so I suggest, for just a few hours, you turn off the news, put down the paper, and curl up with a good book. This one always brightens my mood — it’s an entire book of cats painted into great works of art, and it’s called “Master Pussies”. [ she holds up the book ]

I hope you enjoyed today’s show as much as I did. I especially had a great time with Dick, and that’s the first time I’ve ever said that phrase! But, before I say goodbye, I want you to remember, friends: it’s people first, then money, then things, then jackets. Bye bye, now!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5


]]>

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson
…..Gov. Sarah Palin
Eskimos…..Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:

Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you’re the richest man on earth.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle has advised vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin to “just be yourself”. Unfortunately, he spelled “yourself” with three l’s and a 6.

Seth Meyers: Newark, New Jersey’s, Catholic Archbishop is upset that part of Bill Maher’s new movie, “Religulous”, was filmed at his parish — but not as upset as he was the day the Lord chose him to be Archbishop of Newark.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, this week, wrote a legal decision that was a parody of a Mickey Spillane novel. Using phrases such as “tough as a three dollar steak” and “just another day at the office.” Not to be outdone, Judge Clarence Thomas wrote a decision as a letter to Penthouse.

Amy Poehler: According to a new survey, black people in America save and invest less money than white people. A decision, I’m guessing, black people are feeling pretty good about right now.

In a new memoir, “Brady Bunch” star Maureen McCormick admits that she was a cocaine fiend, who swapped sex for drugs, partied at the Playboy Mansion, and slept with co-star Barry Williams. This comes on the heels of last summer’s hot memoir, “Tiger: Anybody’s Bitch”.

Seth Meyers: Sex offenders in Maryland are now required to post signs on their doors that read: “No candy at this residence,” on Halloween or face a possible parole violation. They are also being required to take down the signs that read: “Knock if you can keep a special secret.”

Amy Poehler: In Wednesday night’s debate, the major party candidates sparred over issues ranging from health care to the economy to Roe v. Wade. Missing from that debate were several minor party candidates who could have a profound effect on the election. Here, representing the Write-In Party, Tim Calhoun.

Tim Calhoun: [ gripping the microphone nervously, then motions his hands throughout his speech ] I am Tim Calhoun, and I’m running for the office of President of… [ consults his note cards ] America.

[ he flips to his next note card ]

I think I would make a real good president, ’cause I’m hockey dad… soccer uncle… football cousin… ping-pong brother… and Donkey Kong best friend.

[ he flips to his next note card ]

My opponents have been using my full name to scare people. Is it my fault that my middle name is “Boo!”?

[ he flips to his next note card ]

According to ne blind poll, I’m a real good lover. [ he nods ] The blind Pole’s name is Masha. And I think it also helps that she has no sense of smell.

[ he flips to his next note card ]

I’m going to take a moment to draw attention to my flag pin. [ he glances down at both lapels, but sees no flag pin ] Where’d it go..? Oh, yeah. [ he turns around to reveal a giant flag pin on his back, then turns back around in his seat ]

[ he flips to his next note card ]

Here’s where I stand on issues: The economy is looking real ugly… but I’ve been there. So I propose we take the economy, put a bag over its face, shotgun a few beers, and then just get it over with.

[ he flips to his next note card ]

“Drill, baby, drill.” No way! Not on my teeth! I hate baby dentists!

[ he flips to his next note card ]

Sometimes sirens are just too loud. I propose we make a quieter siren, for library fires.

[ he flips to his next note card ]

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun. Isn’t it about time America had a president with two extra toes and webbed feet?

Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everyone!

Seth Meyers: It is rumored that Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce has been caused by Madonna’s relationship with Yankee Alex Rodriguez. This, after Rodriguez announced he was separating from his wife of six years, Derek Jeter.

Amy Poehler: Belgian Luc Costermans, this, week broke the world blind driver speed record, reaching a top speed of 192 mph. That’s what they told him, anyway. [ photo: Luc Costermans sitting in front of a giant fan while using a frisbee as a steering wheel ]

A woman in California, who took her twelve-year-old daughter to a park to fight another girl, has been arrested after allegedly joining in the fight. [ feigning tears ] I, for one, can only imagine what it’s like to have a mother who loves you that much.

Seth Meyers: Retired surgeon Gary Michelson is offering $75 million to the first person or group who can come up with new ways to sterilize cats and dogs. Meanwhile, cats and dogs are offering $80 million to anyone who can assassinate Gary Michelson.

Amy Poehler: America’s financial crisis has spilled over into Europe, with European markets plunginging 22% last week. Here, with a firsthand perspective on the situation, is the top Def Jam comedian in Europe, France’s own Jean K. Jean.

Jean K. Jean: Well, whoo! Alright! Bonjour, Amy! Bon to the jour, Seth!

Amy Poehler: Hey, Jean! Now, do you see evidence of financial collapse in your country?

Jean K. Jean: Oh, absolutely, Amy! People are BROKE up in France! Brothers be eatin’ pan au chocolate without the chocolate! Just PAN!! You know, I saw a mon the other day — he didn’t even have a ROOF on his imaginary HOUSE!! I’m telling you! Last week, I went to the supermarchet, to get a bottle of Perrier. Man, all I could afford was a glass of TAP WATER and a straw to blow my own bubbles!

[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]

In-cre-able! It’s gettin’ cold out by my house. I live up in Marsay. It’s so cold up in Marsay, brothers aren’t wearin’ berets. They’re wearin’ brrrrrrr-ets! If it gets any colder, I’m gonna have to go to the beach wearin’ TWO speedos!

[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]

In-cre-able! France got a new First Lady, y’all! That’s right! Carla Bruni is up in the maison! She is FINE!! Whoo, she’s fine! Gave me a baguette in my pants! And y’all know the other European leaders be jealous, right? If Angela Myrtle look at her, it be like, “Hmm! I bet she thinks she’s all that and a bag of palm fries!” Carla Bruni’s so fine, she goes to the GA Summit, they’ll have to rename it the “GA That Bitch FINE Summit!”

[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]

Tout et lourdes! Okay, I love you!

Amy Poehler: Jean K. Jean, everyone!

Seth Meyers: Two Indonesian men believe they were put into a trance by a mystic, causing them to get tattoos of dragons on their faces after being promised jobs as government intelligence officers. The mystic’s name? Captain Morgan.

A second teenager has been left at an area hospital under Nebraska’s new safe-haven law, which allows parents to abandon their children without fear of prosecution. Or, what is known in Manhattan, as boarding school.

Amy Poehler: After two weeks of cancelled shows on her “Rock Witchu” tour, Janet Jackson revealed that she has been suffering from “migraine-associated vertigo”. So, while she may not be able to “rock witchu”, she could still “sit witchu” or “lean against something really stable witchu”.

Seth Meyers: And now, here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

Gov Sarah Palin: Thank you, Seth. Thanks, Amy. And thanks for the chance to come out here tonight. But I’ve been thinking it over, and… I’m not going to do the piece we rehearsed.

Seth Meyers: But you were so good at it.

Gov Sarah Palin: Oh, I know. It was really fun, too. But my gut is telling me it might be a bad idea for the campaign.

Seth Meyers: Are you sure?

Gov Sarah Palin: Yeah. After a lot of thought, I think it might just cross the line.

Seth Meyers: Okay, well… in that case, Amy, do you want to do Governor Palin’s part instead?

Amy Poehler: I-I guess I could give it a try.

Seth Meyers: Do you remember it?

Amy Poehler: I kind of remember it… [ in hardcore rap demeanor ] 1. 2. 3…

[ a beat kicks in ]

“My name is Sarah Palin, you all know me!
Vice-prezzy nominee of the G.O.P.!
Gonna need your vote, in the next election!
Can I get a what-what, from the senior section?
McCain got experience
McCain got style!
But don’t let him freak you out
when he tries to smile!
‘Cuz that smile be creepy
But when I’m V.P.
All the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me!”

[ two Eskimos enter and stand behind amy ]

Amy Poehler: “How’s it go, Eskimos?”

Eskimos: “Eskimos!”

Amy Poehler: “Tell, tell me what you know, Eskimos!”

Eskimos: “Eskimos!”

Amy Poehler: “How ya’ feel, Eskimos?”

Eskimos: “Ice cold!”

Amy Poehler: “Tell, tell me what you feel, Eskimos!”

Eskimos: “Super cold!”

Amy Poehler:
“I’m Jeremiah Wright, ‘cuz tonight I’m the preacher,
I got a bookish look, and you’re all hot for teacher.”

[ reveal Seth Meyers and Gov. Sarah Palin enjoying Amy’s rap, as Todd Palin joins the performance ]

Amy Poehler:
“Todd looking fine, on his snow machine
So hot for each other, need a go-between
In Wasilla, we just chill, baby, chilla
But when I see oil, it’s…”

All: “Drill, baby, drilla!!”

Amy Poehler:
“My country tis of thee
From my porch, I can see
Russ-ia and such.

All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up!
All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up!
All the plumberss in the house, pull your pants up!
All the plumberss in the house, pull your pants up!”

[ reveal Gov. Sarah Palin raising the roof ]

Amy Poehler:
“When I say Obama, you say Ayers!Obama!”

Eskimos: Ayers!

Amy Poehler: Obama!

Eskimos: Ayers!

Amy Poehler:
“I built me a bridge, and it ain’t going nowhere!
Ooooohhhhhhhh!

McCain/Palin
Gonna put the nail in
The coffin, of the media elite!”

Eskimos: “She likes red meat!”

[ an extra in a moose costume crosses the set ]

Amy Poehler:
“Shoot a mutha humpin’ moose, eight days of the week!”

[ a shotgun blast fells the moose ]

Amy Poehler:
“Now you’re dead!
Now you’re dead!
‘Cuz I’m an animal, and I’m bigger than you!
Holdin’ a shotgun, workin’ the pump!
Everybody party, we goin’ on a hunt!”

All: “La la la la la la la la!!”

[ shotgun blasts ]

Amy Poehler:
“Yo, I’m Palin! I’m out!”

[ Amy and her entourage exit, as snow begins to fall ]

Seth Meyers: [ to Palin ] I think, uh — I think you made the right decision not to do that.

Gov Sarah Palin: You betcha!

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Gov Sarah Palin: I’m Sarah Palin! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

October 25th, 2008

Jon Hamm

Coldplay

None

Elisabeth Moss

John Slattery

Maya Rudolph

None


Road to the White HouseSummary: Sen. Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) and Rep. John Murtha (Darrell Hammond) make crazy statements while speaking at a rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania.

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Transcript

Montage

Jon Hamm’s MonologueSummary: Jon Hamm uses an amalgam of gimmicky reality-based programming to fool new viewers into tuning into “Mad Men” on AMC.

Transcript

Trick or TreatSummary: A registered sex offender (Will Forte) makes a clumsy introduction while trick-or-treating at his neighbor’s (Jon Hamm) house.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s episode hosted by Brian Williams.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Rasta Man”, Andy Samberg performs a rastafarian rap.

Transcript

Mad Men/Two A-Holes at an Ad Agency in the 1960sSummary: Don Draper (Jon Hamm) and the ad executives at Sterling Cooper strain to come up with a serious campaign for a suspendered hula hoop invented by a couple of A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

The Barack Obama Variety Half-HourSummary: In lieu of a serious message this Wednesday night, Barack (Fred Armisen) and Michelle Obama (Maya Rudolph) will host and sing their praises in a star-studded variety program.

Recurring Characters: Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank, Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, John F. Kennedy.

Transcript

Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up WomenSummary: Don Draper (Jon Hamm) demonstrates the keys to success in picking up women by making the least effort possible.

Transcript

Coldplay performs “Viva la Vida”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers anchors solo after announcing that co-anchor Amy Poehler gave birth earlier in the day. Robo-Call (Will Forte). Ralph Nader (Bill Hader). Political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events. Maya Rudolph and Kenan Thompson perform a brief duet as tribute to Amy Poehler giving birth.

Recurring Characters: Ralph Nader, Nicholas Fehn.

Transcript

Variety VaultSummary: From 1959, it’s “Vincent Price’s (Bill Hader) Halloween Special”, featuring a lack of cooperation from Gloria Swanson (Kristen Wiig), James Mason (Jon Hamm), Liberace (Fred Armisen), and a prop elevator.

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, James Mason, Liberace.

Transcript

Jon Hamm’s John HamSummary: Jon Hamm promotes the perishable delight that allows businessmen to have lunch and use the bathroom without going over company time.

Transcript

Coldplay performs “Lost”

Pat FingerSummary: Pat Finger (Jon Hamm) is running for office in Butts.

Transcript

Coldplay performs “Yellow”

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Mad Men/Two A-Holes At An Ad Agency in the 1960s

Pete Campbell…..Will Forte
Peggy Olson…..Elisabeth Moss
Harry Crane…..Bobby Moynihan
Don Draper…..Jon Hamm
Roger Sterling…..John Slattery
Salvatore Romano…..Bill Hader
Joan Holloway…..Casey Wilson
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on animated “Mad Men” title card ]

[ dissolve to Sterling Cooper conference room, cigarette smoke wafting throughout the room ]

Pete Campbell: Where are these clients? Peggy, what time is it?

Peggy Olson: Don’t ask me. I’m just a woman; I’m not allowed to own a watch.

Pete Campbell: With good reason! I’m starving. I’m just going to eat something.

Harry Crane: Oh, I wouldn’t, until Don gets here.

Pete Campbell: He won’t care. Trust me.

[ Campbell reaches for a sandwich, as Don Draper bursts into the room ]

Don Draper: Campbell, put the sandwich down! They’re for clients!

Pete Campbell: Come on, Doooonn!

Don Draper: Fine! Do whatever you want!

[ Don Draper takes his seat, as Roger Sterling bursts into the room ]

Roger Sterling: Campbell! Put the sandwich down!

Pete Campbell: [ defeated ] Yes, sir…

Salvatore Romano: [ effeminately ] Who calls in the morning, and expects an ad pitch on the same day?

Don Draper: Clients!

Roger Sterling: Rich clients!

[ Joan Holloway saunters into the room ]

Joan Holloway: Mr. Sterling? Mr. Draper? Your clients have arrived.

Don Draper: Send them in, Miss Holloway.

Joan Holloway: I’m leaving. Wanna watch?

[ she saunters out of the room, as all the men stare with intense passion, except for Romano ]

[ Male and Female A-Hole suddenly enter the room, dressed in period wardrobe ]

Male A-Hole: Ready to hear some pitches, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ smacking her gum ] Yeah.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: And now… “Two A-Holes At An Ad Agency in the 1960s.”

[ dissolve back to conference room ]

Welcome. My name’s Don Draper. [ shakes Male A-Hole’s hand ]

Male A-Hole: Your hair looks hard!

Don Draper: Yeah. [ he chuckles, then shakes Female A-Hole’s hand ] And you look lovely.

Female A-Hole: I’m sick.

Don Draper: Oh. [ he pulls back his hand ] Great…

Roger Sterling: Well, uh, please — have a seat.

Male A-Hole: Sure.

[ they sit ]

Don Draper: Would you like something to drink.

Male A-Hole: Want a drink, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: She wants something to drink!

Don Draper: Yeah… I heard her. What would you like?

Male A-Hole: What do you want, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ as she plays with her hair ] Guess!

Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess!

Don Draper: I heard her! [ thinking ] Uhhh — Gimlet?

Roger Sterling: Martini?

Harry Crane: Harvey Wallbanger?

Salvatore Romano: Grasshopper?

Pete Campbell: Oh, I know! She probably wants an egg cream.

Female A-Hole: I want a sandwich with lettuce!

Male A-Hole: Yeah. She’s hungry now.

Don Draper: Oh. Well, uh — [ acknowledges the sandwich tray ] All this food is for you. Help yourself.

Male A-Hole: They got us food, babe!

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaaayyyyy…

Male A-Hole: [ as he touches each sandwich with licked hands ] That’s ours… that’s ours now… that’s ours… that’s ours… you can have that.

Don Draper: Okay, great! Should we move on?

Male A-Hole: You want to move on, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ she holds up a cigarette ] I need a light for my cigarette.

Male A-Hole: I got it. [ he pulls out a lighter ] Here you go, babe. Yuo want me to spark it? [ he flicks the lighter ] You want me to spark it, babe? [ he flicks the lighter ] You want me to spark your cigarette? [ he flicks the lighter ] Cigarette, bave? [ he flicks the lighter ] Spark it? [ he flicks the lighter ] Spark-a-rette? [ he flicks the lighter ]

Don Draper: Okay, here — allow me.

[ Don Draper lights her cigarette, but she quickly extinguishes it and drops the cigarette ]

Female A-Hole: Smoking’s queer.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she doesn’t smoke.

Don Draper: Alright, uhhh — before we get started, uh — [ he flicks his cigarette ] I gotta be honest, uh, we received the prototype for your product, and we’re a bit confused. Uh — [ he picks up a weird-looking hula hoop ] What is this?

Male A-Hole: It’s a hula hoop with a strap on it! Show him how it works, babe. [ he places it over her head ] Look at this. Put it on like that. Check it! [ as the hula hoop dangles around her waist, she barely moves a muscle ] Look at how much fun she’s having! Look at her face!

Don Draper: I have to say… I am at a loss for words.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, it’s brilliant, right?

Don Draper: No. Because I don’t know how to sell it.

Male A-Hole: I know how to sell it. Celebrity endorsements. Like Marilyn Monroe. You guys know who Marilyn Monroe is?

Don Draper: Yes. Of course.

Male A-Hole: Babe! Do your Marilyn Monroe impression.

Female A-Hole: [ she raises her hand ] Happy Birthday.

Male A-Hole: [ smiling ] You guys get it? Huh? [ to Peggy ] You get it, Bangs?

Peggy Olson: Yes! It’s funny!

Male A-Hole: Marilyn Monroe? [ to Sterling ] Silver Fox? You get it?

Roger Sterling: It’s a good one.

Male A-Hole: [ to Romano ] What about you, gay guy?

Salvatore Romano: Who, meeeeeee??

Roger Sterling: Well, uh — I’m sorry, I guess we need a little more time.

Don Draper: No, wait… wait. [ he stands, as dramatic music plays ] The truth is, this hula hoop with suspenders doesn’t do anything. But, nowadays, we are expected to maintain our jobs, our families, our bodies, and our mortality. Isn’t doing nothing the ultimate luxury? We spend our lives jumping through hoops. Isn’t it time we… relaxed, inside one? [ Peggy nods ] ‘Cause none of us are angels… but we all occasionally deserve a halo. Gentlemen… these suspenders aren’t holding up some plastic ring… they’re suspending reality! They’re suspending our childhood! This isn’t just a hula hoop. It’s the circle of life!

[ Harry Crane fights a tear and runs out of the room, as the other executives applaud ]

Roger Sterling: So! What do you say?

Male A-Hole: No.

Female A-Hole: It’s stupid.

Roger Sterling: Alrighty, then. I’ll see you out. It’s, uh, noon — I’m on my way to the bar, anyway.

Female A-Hole: Wait. Your pocket square looks like a rabbit.

Roger Sterling: [ he glances downward and smiles ] So it does!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women

Don Draper…..Jon Hamm
Jessica…..Kristen Wiig
Second Woman…..Casey Wilson
Nathaniel Snerpus…..Fred Armisen
Third Woman…..Amy Poehler

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.

[ dissolve to Don Draper standing in his office ]

Don Draper: Hello, I’m Don Draper, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have affairs with many women.

[ show clips of affair scenes from “Mad Men” ]

Don Draper V/O: Some say, “Boy, Don, how do you do it?”

[ cut back to Don Draper in his office ]

Don Draper: Well, it’s simple. And you can do it, too, if you follow my four easy steps.

Step 1: When in doubt, remain absolutely silent.

[ cue sultry music, as a woman enters Don’s office ]

Jessica: Hi, I’m Jessica.

[ Don remains silent, staring at her intently ]

Jessica: We’re shy, aren’t we?

[ Don remains silent ]

Jessica: [ desperately ] Marry me! I want to have your children!

[ Don stares over Jessica’s shoulder and into the camera with a smirk ]

Don Draper: See?

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: Step 2: When asked about your past, give vague, open-ended answers.

[ cut to Don seated in the executive boardroom, as a second woman approaches him ]

Second Woman: So, Don… tell me about your family. Any brothers and sisters?

[ Don stops what he’s doing, and turns his gaze away from her ]

Don Draper: There… was a man. Bright… shiny shoes. [ he half-smiles ] I saw him dancing… until the accident.

Second Woman: [ she sighs seductively ] Oh, how mysterious!

[ cut to close-up of Don, as he winks at the camera ]

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: Step 3: Have a great name.

Don Draper: [ cut to group of women giggling in the office, as a male co-worker stands over their cubicle ]

Nathaniel Snerpus: Hi! I’m Nathaniel Snerpus.

[ the women roll their eyes, then rise to get away from him ]

[ one of the women passes Don Draper upon her exit, and stops to introduce herself ]

Third Woman: Well, hello!

Don Draper: Don Draper.

Third Woman: [ swooning ] Let’s get me out of this skirt.

Don Draper: [ Don turns to give a look toward the camera ]

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: And finally, Step 4:

Look fantastic in a suit.

Look fantastic in casual wear.

Look fantastic in anything.

Sound good.

Smell good.

Kiss good.

Strut around with supreme confidence.

Be uncannily successful at your job.

Blow people away every time you say anything.

Take six-hour lunches.

Disappear for weeks at a time.

Lie to everyone about everything.

Drink and smoke constantly.

Basically… be Don Draper.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Pat Finger

Pat Finger…..Jon Hamm

[FADE IN, The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: Just because we’re small, doesn’t mean our ideas have to be… Don’t you think it’s time to elect someone with big ideas?

[Dissolve to a map showing the location of Butts, NY]

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I’m running for City Council right here in beautiful Butts, New York… You know I grew up here in Butts, so I’m very familar with the sights, the sounds and the smells of Butts Valley. In other words… I’m deeply concerned of what’s going on inside Butts; I promise to improve our bridges and roads with a special focus on repairing potholes. I will do everything in my power to plug up each and every Butts hole… There’s one thing I know it’s this: to get this things done, you’re gonna need a Finger in Butts… [remains in silence thinking of what he just said]

[Cut to a photo of Pat Finger along with his logo.]

Jingle: Cast your vote and put a Finger in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Finger for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN, The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: What do you think is more important? Politics or people? we think… People.

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I’m running for City Council in Butts, New York… I’m still not so sure what’s the darn funny about my last campaign spot but… I want you to know that my passion for Butts is no laughing matter… Loving Butts is a tradition in my family. In 1869, my great grandfather E.T. Finger fell in love with Butts and well, there’s been a whole mess of Fingers in Butts ever since. But things don’t always go smoothly in Butts, in fact we have a pretty serious crack problem, and I want you drug dealers to hear me loud and clear… when I’m elected I can’t wait to lick the crack in Butts! [remains again in silence thinking of what he just said]

[Cut to a photo of Pat Finger along with his logo.]

Jingle: Vote Pat Finger, he’s gonna lick crack in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Finger for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: Isn’t Butts ready for a change?

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I get it now, I know why you’ve been forwarding all my ads to your friends with a header that says “LOL” ha ha, Finger and Butts yeah very funny… Because I’m so serious about protecting the integrity of my campaign, I’ve decided to legally change my name, I know it’s maybe a confusing move in the middle of an election, but I felt the change was for the best. I will probably be taking my mother’s middle name… her family was french canadian but they’ve lived happily in Butts… the town, for over 150 years. So in November 6th, vote for me, Pat Deldeaux [pronounced dildo]… Oh, wait!!!!

[Cut to a photo of Pat Deldeaux along with his logo.]

Jingle: Cast your vote and put a Deldeaux in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Deldeaux for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

Submitted by: Ramon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Goodnights

…..Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm: Ohhh, my God! Thank you so much to Coldplay! Maya Rudolph! John Slattery! Elizabeth Moss! Thank you all so much, it’s amazing! Once again — Coldplay!

[ the camera pans back over to Coldplay ]

SNL Transcripts