Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Goodnights

…..James Franco

James Franco: Thank to Kings of Leon, Cameron Diaz, and Blake Lively! Great cast!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

The Looker

The Looker/Penny Marshall….Fred Armisen
The Closer/Kyra Sedgwick….Kristen Wiig
Juliette Lewis….Andy Samberg
Suspect 1….Will Forte
Suspect 2….James Franco
Suspect 3….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with TNT’s logo]

Caption: TNT. We know drama.

Announcer: Coming soon to TNT. If you liked Kyra Sedgwick in “The Closer”.

[Kyra poses]

Caption: The Closer.

[Cut to an interrogation room. She is handling a suspect]

The Closer: Confess! Confe-e-e-ess!

Announcer: Then get ready for TNT’s newest crime drama. This fall Penny Marshall is “The Looker”

Caption: The Looker

[Penny Marshall has a bored to death look on her face. She wears small glasses]

Announcer: She’s a tough lady cop. And she’s looking for justice. She’s The Looker.

[The Looker is in a interrogation room. She looks at the suspect with a bored look on her face.]

Suspect 2: Forget it, lady. You can’t prove a thing. [The Looker just looks at him] Look at me all you want. I’m not talking. [Bored looks continue] Those are some tiny glasses. [More bored looks] Ok! You win! I’ll sign the confession! [signs confession] Why are your glasses so small?!

Announcer: Look out, bad guys. Justice has a new face, and it looks like Penny Marshall.

[Penny waves someone off camera bored]

[Another suspect in the interrogation room]

Suspect 3: Ok, Looker. Do your worst. [The Looker puts on an even more tiny glasses on the bridge of her nose. Suspect signs confession] Son of a bitch. [Laughs]

Announcer: This fall drama’s got an attitude and a freaky small pair of glasses. And coming soon, has The Looker finally met her match? Featuring special guest star Juliette Lewis.

[The Looker and Juliette stare at each other in an almost catatonic state]

Announcer: Whoa! Look out everybody, here comes “The Looker”!

Caption: The Looker

The Looker: Only on TNT.

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

McCain Approves

Written by: Seth Meyers, with Al Franken

Executive 1…..Kristen Wiig
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Executive 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Ken Lewis…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Washington, D.C. ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Aquarius Sound Recording studio ]

Executive 1 V/O: Sen. McCain, thanks for stopping by.

[ dissolve to interior, recording studio, where Sen. John McCain stands between two executives ]

Sen. John McCain: My friends, I wouldn’t miss it. Recording TV ads is an essential part of the campaign.

Executive 2: As we explained, Senator, we already have a recording of you approving ads.

Sen. John McCain: Well, I know. But we’ve been using it on so many ads, I was worried the tape spools might be scratched, or warped.

Executive 1: Oh. Well, we actually recorded that digitally, Senator.

Sen. John McCain: [ confused ] Digitally? With your fingers?

Executive 2: [ scoffs lightly ] No, sir, it’s a new technology.

Sen. John McCain: [ still confused ] You mean, like 8-track?

Executive 1: [ a beat ] You know what? Let’s just record some.

Executive 2: [ points to Voiceover guy ] Uh, this is Ken Lewis.

Sen. John McCain: Hi, friend. [ they shake hands ]

Executive 2: Uh, he’ll be reading the main body of the ad text. He’s a little bit of a legend around here, for having the most sarcastic voice in the world of campaign ads.

Ken Lewis: [ sarcastically ] Thanks, Doug! That means… the worrrld… to me!

Executive 2: [ chuckles ] Wow! I can’t even tell if he means that!

Executive 1: Are you ready to go?

Sen. John McCain: I’m ready to go, yes, but, let me stress, the goal of these ads are not olny to support my campaign, but also to raise the level of the integrity and the political discourse, my friends. THAT was my promise to America!

Executive 1: Well, that’s so great to hear! Let’s do it!

[ music sting ]

Ken Lewis: Barack Obama says he wants universal health care. Is that so? Health care for the entiiiire universe? Including Osama bin Laden? I think we’ll passss No way. No how. No-bama!

Sen. John McCain: My friends, can I ask a question?

Executive 1: Of course.

Sen. John McCain: Is this ad true?

Executive 1: Well, “universal” has more than one meaning. We’ve taken it to mean “the entire universe”.

Sen. John McCain: Works for me. [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.

Executive 2: Great! Let’s do the next one!

[ music sting ]

Ken Lewis: Barack Obama plays basketball. Charles Barkley plays basketball. Is Charles Barkely qualified to run our economy? He gambled millions away in Las Vegas. Don’t let Barack Obama gamble with our economy. No way. No how. No-Charack-Obarkley!

Sen. John McCain: Excuse me?

Executive 1: Yes?

Sen. John McCain: Are those facts accurate?

Executive 1: Yes. The senator does play basketball… Charles Barkley also plays basketball… Charles Barkley lost money in Vegas.

Sen. John McCain: I can’t argue with facts. [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.

Executive 1: You’re doing great, Senator!

Sen. John McCain: It’s exciting!

Executive 1: It is ! And can I just say how excited I am about Sarah Palin?

Sen. John McCain: Oh, yeah. She’s something, isn’t she?

Executive 2: Yeah, she’s brought so much energy into the campaign! Ken loves her! Isn’t that right, Ken?

Ken Lewis: You bet I do! She has sooo much experrrience!

Executive 2: So, now, we’re gonna do some, you know, quick, five-second radio spots. One after the other.

Sen. John McCain: Sounds good.

Ken Lewis: Obama supports tax cuts for pedophiles.

Sen. John McCain: Does he?

Executive 1: Well… there’s no way to identify ALL pedophiles, but chances are, if you cut taxes, it’s gonna benefit at least a couple of them.

Sen. John McCain: [ into the microphone, somewhat relunctantly ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.

Ken Lewis: Barack Obama has fathered TWO black children IN WEDLOCK!

Sen. John McCain: My friends, I must say, that reminds me of an attack George Bush made on me in, uh, 2000.

Executive 1: He won that election, right?

Sen. John McCain: [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.

Executive 2: And then, this last TV ad has no dialogue. It’s just a hip-hop track with fast cuts back and forth between Obama, Pac Man Jones, Ludacris, Michael Vick, Marion Berry, Al Sharpton, O.J. Simpson, ex-Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, five minutes of that, uh, Check Berry video, a bunch of blonde strippers, the monster from “Predator”, and, then, Mohamed Atta!

Sen. John McCain: [ confused ] What is that one trying to say?

Executive 2: Ah, you know, it’s not really trying to say anything. people make of it what they will.

Sen. John McCain: [ to Executive 1 ] Do you think it’s fair?

Executive 1: I do.

Sen. John McCain: And what about you, Ken?

Ken Lewis: That’s the fairest thing I’ve ever heard!

Sen. John McCain: In that case: [ into the camera ] I’m John McCain… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Of Mice and Men

George…..James Franco
Lennie…..Bobby Moynihan
Curly…..Bill Hader
Hunter 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Hunter 2…..Will Forte

[ open on a copy of John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men” ]

Announcer: [ over scroll: ] “…for decades, John Steinbeck’s timeless tale of friendship has been considered an American classic. Now, nearly 60 years after tis publication, the author’s original manuscript has been unearthed, revealing an alternate ending to the novel. Here, for the first time, the lost ending to John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”…”

[ dissolve to Lennie and George alone the edge of the forest; Lennie stands, as George kneels to his side ]

George: Well, you got us into a real jam, Lennie!

Lennie: Is it — is it strawberry jam?! I LOVE strawberry jam!

George: [ he stands ] No! This is a BAD kind of jam! You KILLED a lady! I know you didn’t mean to, Lennie, but… they’re coming after us!!

Lennie: Uh-ohhhh..! So tell me again what “kill” is, George?

George: Oh. “Kill” is when you put folks to sleep for… a long, long time!

Lennie: And then, after, they have orange juice and pancakes?!

George: Yeah, that’s right, Lennie. They go to the biggest pancake house that you ever saw! [ motions Lennie to look off to the side ] Alright, now — just look over there for a piece, and you won’t have no more troubles!

[ as Lennie turns to look, George stands behind him and points a pistol at his head ]

George: Sorry, old pal!

[ Lennie turns back to see George pointing the pistol ]

Lennie: Hey! [ excitedly ] Heeeeeeyyyy!! That’s a metal candy cane! Remember, George! You said I couldn’t touch it, or I could get bit by the bees that are inside!

George: [ lowers the pistol in defeat ] Yeah… that’s right…

[ the sound of approaching hunters and dogs can be heard ]

George: God! We don’t have much time! They’re going to kill you!

Lennie: [ he raises his arms cheerfully ] KILL me?? Hooray!! All the pancakes and orange juice I want!!

George: Dammit, Lennie!! They’re gonna HURT you, until you’re DEAD!! THAT’S what “kill” is!

Lennie: [ confused ] What?! Why — why did you tell me it was sleeping and then having pancakes?

George: To protect you, Lennie. For as long as we’ve been together, I’ve just tried to make the bad things sound… nice and sweet.

Lennie: [ outraged ] Nice and sweet?! I’ve been REPEATING that stuff! People must think I’m an IDIOT! Do people think I’m an IDIOT?!!

George: [ he shrugs ] Well… folks think you see things kind of simple…

Lennie: Well, of COURSE they do!! I’ve been told nothing but LIES!! So — so, wait! If I killed Curly’s wife, then she’s dead! But I just did to her what I dod to that mouse — [ panicking ] Oh, my God, I killed that mouse!!

George: Yes. You did.

Lennie: You GOTTA tell me these things!! I was planning on doing that AGAIN!!

Voice: There they are, beyond the creek!!

George: Okay, Lennie! I’m sorry, but we don’t have a lot of time! We have to do this NOW!! [ he points the pistol at Lennie ]

Lennie: WAIT A MINUTE!!! Hold the phone!! [ George lowers the pistol ] Because of the lies YOU told ME… you’re going to release the bees from your candy cane — which I’m now realizing is probably a gun —

George: It’s what’s BEST for you, Lennie!! You wouldn’t understand!!

Lennie: [ mocking ] Ohhh!! I wouldn’t understand! Of course! Because I’m not SMART like the Nobel Prize winner! Oh, wait — you’re a ranch hand!

George: [ confused ] Nobel Prize?

Lennie: Yeah. It’s a prize given in Sweden — NEVER MIND!! [ tapping his head frantically ] Oh, boy! You really do know how to PICK ‘EM!

Voice: There they are!!

Lennie: Well, look: you shouldn’t’ve — you shouldn’t’ve lied to me, but… I did what I did, and I have to bear that responsibility.

George: [ pats Lennie’s shoulder ] You’re a good man, Lennie.

Lennie: Oh, I know!

[ the posses enters the scene ]

Curly: Which one of you is the sonofabitch that KILLED me wife?!!

Lennie: Um — [ points to George ] He did it! He killed the lady!

Hunter 1: He’s got a gun!!

[ the posse and their dogs chase after George and fire shots ]

Lennie: [ waving offscreen ] Enjoy your pancakes!!

[ cut to the book closing ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

James Franco’s Monologue

…..James Franco
Ken Wo…..?
Craig the R.A……Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — James Franco!

James Franco: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. It’s great to be hosting “SNL”, here in New York City. I actually live here now. [ the audience cheers ] Some of you may have read, I just enrolled as a student at Columbia University. And… well, I wanted a break from Hollywood, and… just, you know, have the regular college experience. So, for now, I’m not movie star James Franco; I’m just new Columbia student James Franco… the movie star. I’m like any other kid on campus. See, here’s my I.D. — everyone looks bad in these pictures.

[ cut to Franco’s I.D., in which he’s posed as though on the cover of a gossip magazine ]

James Franco: I got a great roommate, named Ken Wo. He’s a Bio-chem major. He’s here tonight.

[ cut to Ken Wo seated in the audience; he waves shyly ]

James Franco: You know, we have our arguments… he, you know, prints out homework while I’m trying to sleep, and I threw away his bed so my publicist could have a desk. But my semester’s off to a great start.

[ Franco’s R.A. runs up on stage ]

Craig the R.A.: Hey, James! Man, I’ve been looking all over the quad for ya’!

James Franco: Oh… hey. Craig. My R.A.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! [ he waves to the audience ] What’s up? Hey, listen, my man, I don’t mean to blow up your spot, but why weren’t you at Orientation this morning?

James Franco: Aw, I’m so sorry, Craig, uh, I had to rehearse for the show! What did I miss?

Craig the R.A.: Oh, a lot! A LOT, man! We watched a great video about Diversity, called “Choices”.

James Franco: Oh.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! Then people asked me questions, you know, like: “Where’s the cafeteria?” “Are hotplates allowed?” “Why is James Franco on campus?” One that I got was, “Hey, Craig, why is James Franco talking to your girlfriend Colleen so much?”

James Franco: Ohhh. Is Colleen your girlfriend?

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! Yeah.

James Franco: Oh. She came by my room, late last night, and said she was lost.

Craig the R.A.: [ stunned ] Well, that’s weird. Yeah, she’s a… campus tour guide.

James Franco: Oh.

Craig the R.A.: Well, look, man — hey, look — I know what it’s like to be the cool dude on campus.

James Franco: Yeah.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah, I can’t step fot in Java the Cup without people saying, “Hey, man! There’s that guy who beatboxes for the Funktones!” [ he gives himself a thumbs-up ]

James Franco: Who? Who are the Funktones?

Craig the R.A.: We’re the school’s most popular, no tryout, non-lesbian, a capella group!

James Franco: Sounds great.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah, don’t patronize me, James!

James Franco: Okay.

Craig the R.A.: Come on, man! Until you moved into Livingston Hall, I was Top Dog! It was just ME and a bunch of dorks like Ken Wo!

[ cut to Ken Wo in the audience, looking perturbed ]

Craig the R.A.: My bad. My bad, K-Wo. That’s my bad. [ turns back to Franco ] Seriously, man, how long do I have until you have sex with my girlfriend? [ Franco silently looks to the floor ] AW, COME ON!!

James Franco: Look, Craig, I — I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I mean, is there anything I can do to smooth things over?

Craig the R.A.: [ whispering ] Let me — let me plug my gig, Franco.

James Franco: Okay.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah?

James Franco: Yeah.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah? Alright! [ to the audience ] Hey, the Funktones are having their Fall jam tomorrow night at Cafe 2-1-2! Yeah! Spoken-word poet, Tolerance, will be there. Tickets are still available — every single one of them.

James Franco: And we also have a great show coming up — Kings of Leon are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

O.J. Simpson Jury Selection

Judge Jackie Glass…..Casey Wilson
O.J. Simpson…..Kenan Thompson
Gabriel Grasso…..Bill Hader
Juror #1…..Will Forte
Juror #2…..James Franco
Juror #3…..Fred Armisen
Juror #4…..Kristen Wiig
Professor Davenport…..Bobby Moynihan
Juror $5…..Andy Samberg
Juror #6…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, courthouse ]

[ SUPER: “Jury Selection, O.J. Simpson Robbery Trial, September 12, 2008” ]

[ sound effect: gavel banging ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

Judge Jackie Glass: Now, Counselor! It — it wasn’t easy, but after a three-month search and thousands of interviews, we were finally able to collect twelve unbiased jurors. These men and women have NO knowledge of O.J. Simpson or the past events of his life.

Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor, I find that hard to believe. I’d like to question these potential jurors one last time.

[ O.J. pats him on the back as he rises ]

Judge Jackie Glass: Very well, Counselor.

Gabriel Grasso: Juror #1: how is it possible that you’ve “never” heard of O.J. Simpson?

Juror #1: Well, as I explained… I just awoke from a 22-year coma, and… was driven directly from the hospital to this courthouse.

Gabriel Grasso: [ smiles ] Very well! He’s acceptable, Your Honor. [ she nods ]

Juror #1: Is there any way I can see my family?

Gabriel Grasso: After the trial. Juror #2: please state your name.

Juror #2: Uhhh… I can’t remember… they told me I was in an accident…

Gabriel Grasso: Do you remember anything?

Juror #2: Yeah. I remember thinking… “Hey, it’s hot out here… I’d better take off this hardhat to cool off…” And then there was a whooshing sound… like a box of wrenches falling through the air. Then, blackness… and when I woke up I was in this jury box.

Gabriel Grasso: So, you have no knowledge of O.J. Simpson?

Juror #2: [ alarmed ] Oh, my God!! Am I O.J. Simpson?!! Am I that horrible murderer?!!

Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor!!

Judge Jackie Glass: Juror #2, you’re dismissed!

Juror #2: Seriously, though: AM I?!!!

Gabriel Grasso: [ annoyed ] NO! Juror #3: it says here that you were locked inside a bomb shelter from 1967 until this morning.

Juror #3: [ still dressed in 1967-era fashions ] That’s correct.

Gabriel Grasso: Great! Now… have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

Juror #3: O.J. Simpson… wait! Yes, isn’t he that running back from USC who won the Heisman Trophy?

[ O.J. waves a thumbs-up ]

Gabriel Grasso: He sure is!

Juror #3: [ cheerfully ] And he murdered that lady, right?

[ O.J. shrugs disappointedly ]

Gabriel Grasso: Come on!!! I thought you were in a bomb shelter?!

Juror #3: Well, yeah, but he’s O.J.!

Judge Jackie Glass: Dismissed!

Gabriel Grasso: Alright. Juror #4?

[a woman with wild, frizzy hair responds by making weird grunting noises ]

Gabriel Grasso: [ confused ] Your Honor…?

[ a man seated behind Juror #4 rises. He brandishes a pipe in one hand. ]

Professor Davenport: Perhaps I can explain. My name is Professor Davenport, and I just discovered this woman in the Arctic tundra. She was raised by wolves and has no knowledge of human language or culture.

Gabriel Grasso: [ he smiles ] Excellent!

[ Juror #4 barks ferociously ]

Gabriel Grasso: Wait… what does that barking mean?

Professor Davenport: It means she smells a murderer.

O.J. Simpson: Ohhhh, man!

Judge Jackie Glass: Dismissed.

Gabriel Grasso: Juror #5, uh, where are you from, originally?

Juror #5: [ a space alien ] Zorbanos. It’s a gaseous planet near the Hexadron Galaxy.

Gabriel Grasso: Have you ever visited Earth before?

Juror #5: No.

Gabriel Grasso: So, twenty minutes ago, you landed on the steps of this courthouse, and you entered the building without speaking to anyone?

Juror #5: Yes.

Gabriel Grasso: Perfect! Now, out of curiosity, why did you come to Earth?

Juror #5: I was sent here to stop O.J. Simpson from murdering those people. I’m not too late, am I?

Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor!

[ the man seated next to him, with long white hair, turns to face him ]

Juror #6: Hey, Space Dude, you’re WAY too late! He did it, like, TEN years ago!

Gabriel Grasso: Hey! I — I thought you were stranded on a desert island?

Juror #6: I was! But this book washed up on shore. [ he holds up a copy of “If I Did It” ]

O.J. Simpson: [ chuckling ] Hey, man! That’s my book: “I Did It”!

Juror #6: [ looks at the cover ] Don’t you mean, “IF I Did It”?

O.J. Simpson: Yeahhh, something like that.

Judge Jackie Glass: Alright, Counselor. We’re adjourned. We’ll try this again tomorrow.

[ she slams her gavel and closes the session ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

An SNL Digital Short

Sean…..James Franco
Sarah…..Kristen Wiig
Second Woman…..Blake Lively

[open on title screen: “An SNL Digital Short”]

[ open mid-broadcast of WB drama “Murray Hill”, complete with “You’re Watching…” graphic ]

[ Sean stands outdoors during an evening party and stares blankly at the stars ]

[ Sarah watches from the party, then walks away to approach Sean ]

Sarah: Hey.

Sean: [ he turns to acknowledge her ] Hey.

Sarah: Not really in a party mood?

Sean: Not really my scene.

Sarah: Me, neither. [ she sits ] You’re not from around here, huh?

Sean: Used to be. A long time ago.

Sarah: I’m Sarah. [ she extends her hand ]

Sean: [ a beat ] Sean. [ he sits ]

Sarah: Soooo… Sean with the mysterious past. What brings you out here tonight?

Sean: I’m not sure yet. Maybe it’s the wind… maybe I’m sick of running. [ a beat ] Maybe it’s my little ding-dong.

Sarah: [ stunned ] What?

Sean: You ever feel like a phony, Sarah?

Sarah: Yeah… I guess… sometimes.

Sean: Most people do. Some more than others. [ he sips from a bottle of beer ]

Sarah: Are you okay, Sean?

Sean: Depends on your definition of “okay”.

Sarah: Right.

Sean: Some people think money makes them okay… some people need a family to feel okay. Some people just have tiny ding-dongs.

Sarah: [ she raises her eyes ] Okaaay, I’m just gonna go… inside.

Sean: You know what really pisses me off, though?

Sarah: No, I don’t… know, I —

Sean: It’s the look on all their faces when I walked into the party. It’s like they’d just seen a ghost.

Sarah: People can be cruel…

Sean: A ghost with a really small ding-dong. [ a beat ] You want to see it?

Sarah: Nooo… I…

Sean: It’s really small.

Sarah: Yeah, um — listen, I’m gonna go. Um, not — not because of your problem, but because you’re really weird… and creepy. Goodbye.

[ she makes her exit ]

Sean: Oh, that’s it! [ he stands ] That’s it, Sarah! Run away! Run away like al the REST!!

[ Sean turns away from the party again, only to be approached moments later by a second woman ]

Second Woman: Hey.

Sean: [ he turns to acknowledge her ] Hey.

Second Woman: [ cheerily ] I hear you have a really small penis.

Sean: Damn right, I do.

Second Woman: [ deep voice ] So do I.

Sean: [ intrigued ] Let’s get out of here.

[ they hold hands and walk away ]

[ dissolve to title graphic ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

The New York Times

Written by: Jim Downey

Peter Connolly, Assignment Editor…..James Franco
Tandalaya…..Kristen Wiig
Steven…..Bobby Moynihan
James…..Kenan Thompson
Queens Gillespie…..Darrell Hammond
Ted Boucher…..Jason Sudeikis
Ari Schenckman…..Andy Samberg
Indian Guy…..Kumail Nanjiani
Karl Marx…..Fred Armisen
Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo…..Casey Wilson
Eric Nyman…..Will Forte
Howland Gwathmey Moss V…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, The New York Times, September 8, 2008, reporters looking busy, some on conference calls, some typing, most talking ]

Alright, alright, everybody!

[ dissolve to interior office during staff meeting with Peter Connolly, who stands at podium ]

Assignment Editor: I’d like to begin. In case some of us haven’t met, I’m Peter Connolly, the assignment editor of the New York Times. Now… you all know why you’re here. Yuo are, quite simply, the fifty BEST investigative reporters in journalism today. And with the selection of Governor Sarah Palin, we’ve got a Vice-Presidential candidate who needs a LOT of investigating!

Tandalaya: [ raising her hand ] I’d like to know if she’s ever been a member of a golf club that doesn’t admit women… oh, wait, that doesn’t make sense.

Assignment Editor: That’s quite all right, Tandalaya. [ sees Steven raise his hand ] Uh, yes — Steven.

Steven: Uhhh — what about the husband? You KNOW he’s doing those daughters! [ he chuckles ignorantly ] I mean, come on! It’s Alaska!

Assignment Editor: He very well could be. Admittedly, there is no evidence of that, but, on the other hand, there is no convincing evidence to the contrary. And these are just some of the lingering questions about Governor Palin. That’s why, in a few days, ALL fifty of you are going to Alaska!

[ the group of reporters clap, except for James, who raises his hand ]

James: Yeah. Do you need me for this? I mean, I’m kind of still working on that sub-prime mortgage piece.

Assignment Editor: James, that piece can wait. Trust me, Lehman Brothers isn’t going anywhere! [ he continues ] Now… I know that none of you have ever BEEN to Alaska. In place, most of you have never been ANY place except Manhattan Island, Los Angeles, and Sag Harbor.

Queens Gillespie: I fell asleep on the A train once. Ended up in Queens.

Assignment Editor: Uh, yes. I’ve heard that story —

Queens Gillespie: That’s why everyone here calls me “Queens”. “Queens” Gillespie.

Assignment Editor: Indeed. Indeed. Now… if we’re gonna operate in alaska, under the radar — incognito, so to speak — you’ll have to become familiar with its culture and customs. [ acknowledges Ted Boucher at his side ] Now, this is Ted Boucher. In 1988, he spent the summer as a reporter with the Anchorage Daily News. So he knows more about Alaska than ANYONE at the Times has ever HEARD of! Over the next five days, he’ll teach you ALL you need to know to pass… as a local! Ted?

Ted Boucher: Thank you, Peter. Why don’t we go around the room really quick, and you can all tell me your names.

Ari Schenckman: Ari Schenckman.

Ted Boucher: Mmm-hmm.

Indian Guy: ???

Ted Boucher: Okay.

Karl Marx: Karl Marx.

Ted Boucher: Really? [ he laughs ] Alright.

Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo.

Ted Boucher: Wow! That’s a mouthful! [ he laughs ] In Alaska, I would go with… Vicky D’Angelo.

Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: [ smugly ] In New York, I would sue you for sexual harrassment.

Assignment Editor: Ah, she’s not kidding. She sued me… [ silent whisper ] three times.

Ted Boucher: Okay. Alright, alright, uhhh — okay, we’ll, I’m sure you’ll all blend right in! Now, uh, let’s talk about the state itself, alright? The first thing you need to know is that Alaska is very, very big. [ Queens Gillespie raises his hand ] Yes?

Queens Gillespie: Bigger than Queens?

Ted Boucher: Yes. It is.

[ everyone murmers ]

Ted Boucher: Yes, the transportation is really important. Now, is there anyone here who canNOT drive a stickshift?

[ everyone raises their hand ]

Ted Boucher: Okay, okay — alright, alright, that’s not a problem — okay, now does anyone here NOT have a driver’s license?

[ everyone raises their hand ]

Ted Boucher: Really? Oh boy, okay! I’m, uh — I’m curious. How did you all plan on getting around?

[ everyone raises their hand ]

Ted Boucher: ‘Cause if it was by taxi… there aren’t any.

[ everyone lowers their hand ]

Ted Boucher: Alright, I see. Okay… that makes sense. [ Eric Nyman raises his hand ] Yes?

Eric Nyman: Yeah. I noticed you haven’t yet said anything polar bear attacks? Uh, is there a certain time of day when such attacks are most frequent? And, how do ordinary alaskans deal with polar bear attacks in their daily lives?

Ted Boucher: Okay, uh — well, you don’t have to worry about polar bears, they’re all the way on the Arctic slope. So the only place you’ll see one is the zoo! [ he laughs ] Now, can anyone tell me what this is? [ he holds up a picture of a shotgun, as Victorine raises her hand ] Yes?

Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: A… revolver?

Ted Boucher: Uh — no… no.

Ari Schenckman: Uh — a semi-authomatic assault weapon.

Ted Boucher: No.

Howland Gwathmey Moss V: I believe the precise technical term would be a .357 Magnum — more commonly, a “zip” gun, or a Derringer!

Ted Boucher: [ incredulous ] No! No, it isn’t.

Howland Gwathmey Moss V: [ arrogantly ] Really?

Ted Boucher: [ he nods ] It’s a shotgun!

Howland Gwathmey Moss V: I’m not altogether certain that’s correct!

Ted Boucher: Yes, it is.

Eric Nyman: Question!

Ted Boucher: Yes?

Eric Nyman: Exactly how secure are Alaskan zoos? Uh, specifically with regard to polar bear escapes? And, does the state of Alaska maintain a special hotline number for this type of situation?

Ted Boucher: Alright, you’re NOT going to be attacked by a ploar bear, okay? I mean, you’re, uh — you’re more likely to get struck by lightning! [ he laughs ] Yes?

Karl Marx: Yeah. Neither of my therapists allow me to call them at home after midnight. So, because of the four-hour time difference, I’m gonna need a referral for at least TWO local psychiatrists in Alaska — maybe more.

Ted Boucher: Uh — uh — alright, well, that might not be possible. As I understand it, there’s only one licensed psychoanalyst in the entire state.

Karl Marx: [ freaking out ] WHAT?!

Ted Boucher: Yeah, I believe that’s — that’s the case.

[ Karl Marx hyperventilates ]

Assignment Editor: Everyone! In light of this situation, if there is any reporter here who feels they cannot commit to six weeks in Alaska, I would certainly understand.

[ a great majority of the reporters exit the room ]

Assignment Editor: Uh —

Ted Boucher: Oh, boy…

Assignment Editor: Uh — uh — I — I — I didn’t know.

Ted Boucher: Okay. Alright. Okay. Hey! Uh, who can tell me what this is? [ holds up a picture of a snowmobile ] Anybody know?

Ari Schenckman: Is it some kind of baptizing machine?

Ted Boucher: [ alarmed by this guess ] No! [ he nods to Victorine ]

Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: Could it… be… a crucifix?

Ted Boucher: Nooo.

Indian Guy: Is it a… semi-automatic assault weapon?

Ted Boucher: No.

Howland Gwathmey Moss V: I believe what we’re looking at is a “Nordic Track”. Possibly a prototype of an early-generation model, such as the A-5!

Ted Boucher: [ he shakes his head ] No, it’s not. It’s what’s called a SNOWMOBILE! But, in Alaska, it’s called a snowmachine.

Howland Gwathmey Moss V: [ he nods thoughtfully ] It’s possible. You could be right.

Ted Boucher: [ he crinkles his eyebrows, then nods to Steven ] Yes?

Steven: Uh — as a person whose gender is currently in transition, I was wondering… wondering if Alaska has any public facilities catering to pre-op transsexuals?

Ted Boucher: Uhhh — boy, I, uh — you know, no, I can’t say for sure, uhhh — but, if I had to guess, I would guess that it… does NOT! Okay…

Assignment Editor: Uh — uh — and, again: if you, or any other reporter feels this might present an undue hardship, we would, of course, understand.

[ a great majority of the remaining reporters exit the room ]

Ted Boucher: Uhhhh — that’s a shocker.

Assignment Editor: [ as an exiting reporters motions to him ] Uh, no — no apologies necessary.

[ Eric Nyman raises his hand ]

Ted Boucher: Uhhh — you have a question?

Eric Nyman: I do.

Ted Boucher: Is it about polar bears?

Eric Nyman: In an indirect way, yes.

Ted Boucher: Go ahead.

Eric Nyman: Let’s suppose, for the sake of argument, a polar bear were to make its way from the wild to downtown Anchorage and into my room at the EconoLodge.

Ted Boucher: Hmm… and why would it do this?

Eric Nyman: Well, you know, what if it followed the scent of my Thai delivery food?

Ted Boucher: Okay! Alright! Well, you’ll be relieved to know that, in Alaska, there IS no Thai delivery.

[ Ari Schenckman and James look at each other, then casually exit the room, leaving only WIF, Victorine, and BIH ]

Assignment Editor: That is alright. [ to the remaining three ] Okay, uh — how about you three? Are you still on board?

Howland Gwathmey Moss V: [ as they all nod yes ] We are if you are, Boss!

[ cut to graphic card of Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: ]

Narrator: [ with SUPER ] Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo successfully sued the town of Denali, Alaska for seventy million dollars, when in the course of her investigation into Governor Palin’s childhood membership in 4-H, a local school board member called her “Sweetie.”

[ cut to graphic card of Eric Nyman: ]

Narrator: [ with SUPER ] On his second day in Alaska, Eric Nyman was attacked and killed by a polar bear. Moments later, his mangled remains were struck by lightning.

[ cut to graphic card of Howland Gwathmey Moss V: ]

Narrator: [ with SUPER ] In 2009, Howland Gwathmey Moss V was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his Times series on unproven, yet un-disproven incest in the Palin family. Sadly, he was to die 3 months later, run over by a snow machine, driven by a polar bear.

[ dissolve to page from the New York Times, with large headline: “In a Small Alaska Town, Doubts Still Linger”, and smaller headline: “While No Direct Evidence of Incest in Palin Family Emerges, Counter Evidence Remains Agonizingly Elusive” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2


]]>

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Richard Fuld…..Jason Sudeikis
Dov Charney…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Hey, guess what! It turns out, the free market… not so free!

Wall Street was hit hard Monday, when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically: if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you’re done!

Seth Meyers: Monday was one of the worst days in the history of the Stock Market, with the Dow dropping over 500 points. They should really be more careful about who they get to ring the opening bell. [ image: Grim Reaper ]

Pope Benedict delivered an anti-euthanasia speech this week, saying that people must accept death at the hour chosen by God. And then he rode away in a heavily-armoured, bulletproof car.

Amy Poehler: A top McCain policy adviser claimed, this week, that McCain’s work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, “You’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.” He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it.

Seth Meyers: It’s been a terrible week for Wall Street, with several major companies in financial crisis. On Monday, Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy — the largest bankruptcy filing in U.S. history. Here to comment on the week, is Lehman Brothers CEO Richard Fuld.

[ Fuld steps over draped in a barrel ]

Richard Fuld: Hey, Seth! Amy! Wow, what a week, huh?

Seth Meyers: Hey, uh — hey, Mr. Fuld, I’m really sorry about Lehman Brothers.

Richard Fuld: Awww, that’s okay! Life’s a crazy ride, huh? A lot of ups and downs! One week, you’re tucking in to a $60 steak at Del Monico’s… the next, you find yourself in a Greyhound bus station wrestling a TODDLER for his Lunchables!

Seth Meyers: Well, I’m sorry to hear that.

Richard Fuld: Ahhh, well, I gotta be frank with you, Seth — I’m going a little NUTS here!! [ he laughs maniacally ] A little nuts! Oh, it’s getting so bad all over, huh? I just… awwwww! I mean, we were the first to go, but I don’t know what these other companies are gonna do!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, how do you feel about the bailout?

Richard Fuld: [ perplexed ] What, now?

Seth Meyers: You know, the government plan to bail out companies like AIG, so they won’t face a similar situation like yours.

Richard Fuld: [ stunned ] Really? A bailout?!

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I guess they’re giving out something like $700 billion in federal aid.

Richard Fuld: Nope! No, haven’t heard about that! Oh, wow! Wow! [ he laughs ] Yeah, I guess I haven’t been watching the news lately, because I’ve been BUSY rebottling New York City tapwater and selling it on the street!

Seth Meyers: Didn’t you save, like, any of your money..?

Richard Fuld: Nooooo!! No, no, no, heavens no! No, that’s the ONE thing I did not do, actually! No, I’ve gotta say I’ve made some pretty stupid purchases in my life, you know? NOBODY needs more than ONE hot air balloon! You know? I mean, you THINK you’re gonna get your buddies together to race, but, you know, it just never happens! It doesn’t pan out! Oh, man! Well, when did they announce this bailout thing? When was that?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, they announced it Friday…

Richard Fuld: [ flabbergasted ] FRIDAY?!! I mean, alright. So, if I would have waited four days, I wouldn’t be in THIS mess?

Seth Meyers: Yeah…

Richard Fuld: ‘Cause, I don’t know if you noticed this, Seth, but, uh — I’M WEARING A BARREL!! I’m in a BARELL, big guy!!

Seth Meyers: No, I noticed because you didn’t sit down when you came out!

Richard Fuld: Yeah! Yeah, chairs won’t take me!

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Richard Fuld: Nope! FOUR DAYS!! Oh, man! You know what I did last night, Seth?

Seth Meyers: No, I —

Richard Fuld: No, I french-kissed a HOMELESS MAN for an Egg McMuffin! Yeah, where’s MY bailout?!

Seth Meyers: Wow. Alright, Richard Fuld, everyone!

Richard Fuld: FOUR DAYS!!

Seth Meyers: Four days.

Amy Poehler: Big trouble. He’s wearing a barrel.

NBC Universal, this week, bought the Weather Channel for $3.5 billion. NBC executives wanted to reach the elusive “Let’s leave the TV on for the dog” demographic.

Seth Meyers: Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000.

“Star Trek”‘s George Takai, and his long-time partner, Brad Ullman, were married this past Sunday. Set your phasers on stunninnnnnngggg!!

The couple vowed to boldly go where no man has gone before — except the both of them with each other many, many times.

[ Seth chuckles ]

Seth Meyers: Stunninnnnnngggg!!

Amy Poehler: [ joining in ] Stunning!! [ she bursts out laughing ]

A cat in England has adopted a baby chicken, after it became the sole survivor of a fox attack. Or: a baby chicken laid down kinda near a cat, and a farmer wanted to be on the news!

A new study showed that social networking sites have become more popular than internet pornography sites. So, mixed feelings for the staff over at sit-on-my-facebook.com.

Seth Meyers: The new season of “Dora the Explorer” kicks off next week, and, for the first time since the show’s inception, the character of Dora will have a new voice. Oddly, it’s Rosie Perez’s:

[ cut to animated scene from Dora the Explorer ]

Rosie Perez V/O as Dora: We need to find the Kobe River! Oh my God, I’m tired! I’m done exploring, I want a cwoo-kie!

[ cut back to the news desk ]

Seth Meyers: That seems remarkably less educational!

[ Amy chuckles ]

Seth Meyers: A man in Michigan stole nearly 250 empty beer cans from a 7-11 store, and then told police that his crack cocaine habit drove him to do it. So they had you on stealing empty cans, and you gave them a major drug charge? That’s like saying: “Sorry about the litter, Officer, I’ve been so distracted ever since I killed my wife!”

Amy Poehler: Dov Charney, CEO of the clothing company American Apparel, is being sued for sexual harrassment for the fifth time. Details of the lawsuit include Mr. Charney using offensive language and parading around in his underwear. Here to talk about that is — oh, boy — Dov Charney. Here we go.

[ Dov Charney ambles across the set in skimpy clothing and sits next to Amy ]

Dov Charney: So what?! So what?! What’d I say?

Amy Poehler: Alright, Mr. Charney. Okay. I have to say, Mr. Charney, the details of this suit are incredible. [ Charney stretches his legs over the desk ] Alright…

Dov Charney: Yeah? Such as what, Amy?

Amy Poehler: Okay.

Dov Charney: Go ahead, you can tell me — what’d I do so wrong?

Amy Poehler: Well, um — I’ll tell you. [ she turns her head ] A former employee of yours is claiming that you used offensive language in the workplace.

Dov Charney: Well — who said that? Yuo tell me right now, who said something like that. [ he angles his legs closer to Amy ]

Amy Poehler: Um — someone, uh — someone named Tiffany Freedman.

Dov Charney: Oh, Asspants? Yeah, she’s a slut! [ he hangs his tongue out and bounces in his seat ]

Amy Poehler: Alright, Mr. Charney! It’s probably that kind of language that got you in trouble.

Dov Charney: What’d I say?! Alright, look — give me one, one example of something that’s sexual harrassment.

Amy Poehler: Okay, you put a woman’s size, extra small tank top on your penis, and then referred to your penis as “The Wife Beater”.

Dov Charney: [ proudly ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That sounds like me! [he hangs his tongue out ]

Amy Poehler: Okay. Okay. Alright, Mr. Charney… [ Charney gets his legs caught on the desk, causing Amy to laugh ] Alright, come on, don’t do that! Don’t do that!

Dov Charney: What’s the matter? You sluts don’t like that?

Seth Meyers: Hey, stop calling us “sluts”! Alright? Mr. Charney, it’s further alleged that, during a lunch break, you spread your buttocks and told one of your employees: “Hey, it’s for you!” as though your buttocks were a phone.

Dov Charney: Look, hey — look! Hold on! Hold on a minute! [ he stands ] Look. Look. [ he steps over to Seth ] I’m beautiful. Alright? Sex is beautiful. Sluts are beautiful. [ he props one leg on the desk ] And, in order for me to run an effective company, I have to open up a line of physical communication. That’s just the way it is. And you guys think about things like thighs… and butts… and body hair… and boobs… and, you know — no, no, on a serious note —

Seth Meyers: On a serious note?

Dov Charney: No, no, honestly — tank tops, you know… panties, you know… t-shirts, and they got headbands, belts… you know? And if my employees don’t like it, you know what? SUE ME!!

Amy Poehler: Well, they — they don’t like it, and they are suing you.

Dov Charney: Alright, well, you know what? I learned a little something, so I want to thank you very much. It’s very sweet of you to say. Alright, I’m gonna call my lawyers right away.

Amy Poehler: Great.

Dov Charney: Alright?

Amy Poehler: Thank you.

[ Charney places his hand on Amy’s breast, and she doesn’t resist ]

Seth Meyers: Amy?

Amy Poehler: Oh. Hey! Stop! Get outta here! Dov Charney, everyone!

Seth Meyers: A dog in France is believed to be the first animal to appear as a witness in a murder inquiry, when he barked furiously at a potential susect during a preliminary hearing. Yet another setback for defendant Paul “Catface” Edwards.

Amy Poehler: You know, Seth, I’m really looking forward to seeing that story on “Paw & Order”.

[ Amy motions her finger for a combined sound effect of a dog barking and the “Law & Order” thump ]

[ Seth muffles his laughter, then motions his finger to hear the sound effect ]

[ Amy again motions her finger to hear the sound effect ]

Amy Poehler: That was fine! [ she motions her finger again for the sound effect, but nothing happens ] Nope. Push it. [ she motions her finger again; nothing, but then comes the sound effect and she laughs ] Better late than never!

To mark Europe’s day of languages, a radio station in Berlin will broadcast its morning show next week entirely in Latin. Which should be fun to listen to for about XV minutes. That’s fifteen minutes.

“Sex in the City” author, Candace Bushnell, is writing a pair of prequel teen novels called “The Carrie Diaries”, that explore Carrie Bradshaw’s formative years in high school. Including how she ditched schol one day and befriended a 40-year old drifter named Samantha.

Seth Meyers: A tailor in Serbia is planning to make a pair of pants that are large enough to fit one hundred men. The story is detailed in the new movie: “The Brotherhood of the Jostling Weiners”.

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Yankee Stadium Stories

Martin Scorsese….Fred Armisen
Rosie Perez….Amy Poehler

Caption: Yankee Stadium Stories

[ Opens with black and white images of Yankee Stadium. Yankees baseball team logo on the field. Acclaimed filmmaker Martin Scorsese in a suit and tie, thick glasses is joined by Puerto Rican actress/dancer Rosie Perez ]

Martin Scorsese: [rapid fire delivery] Yankee Stadium. Look at this place. Beautiful. Huge stadium. They’re gonna tear it down. A piece of New York history. Unbelievable. Who could fathom that? Mickey Mantle, my favorite player of all time. My favorite Yankee.

Rosie Perez: [thick, nasal Spanish accent] I can’t believe they’re gonna tear it down because I have so many memories here cause I used to come here with my uncle Rico when I was little and we would come on roller skates.

[Martin Scorsese pushes Rosie down the stadium aisles on her roller skates]

Martin Scorsese: It’s a true story. We used to play baseball in our backyard. But we couldn’t afford bats and balls so we used loaves of bread [Martin getting ready to bat with a loaf of bread] and meatballs. [Martin shows a meatball in his baseball glove] That’s a true story.

[Rosie throws a meatball at Martin. Martin whacks the ball with the loaf of bread. He runs while Rosie fields.]

Rosie Perez: Oh, no! Throw me the meatball!

Martin Scorsese: And now they’re gonna move Yankee Stadium.

Rosie Perez: How are they going to move Yankee Stadium, Martin Scorsese?

Martin Scorsese: Terrible. What are they going to move next? The Empire State Building?

Rosie Perez: One time there was a breakdancing contest here and I was a judge. Yankee Stadium, I love you.

Martin Scorsese: Yankee Stadium. Bye.

Caption: Yankee Stadium Stories.

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts