Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 27th, 2008 Anna Faris Duffy None Tina Fey Chris Parnell None
CBS Evening NewsSummary: Part 4 of Katie Couric’s (Amy Poehler) interview with Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) leaves the anchorman flustered by the governor’s folksy responses. Recurring Characters: Katie Couric, Sarah Palin. Transcript
Montage
Anna Faris’ MonologueSummary: Anna Faris lets the audience in on a secret: she really is a dumb blonde. Transcript
Making New FriendsSummary: After dropping their new friends (Bobby Moynihan, Casey Wilson) home, a couple (Jason Sudeikis, Anna Faris) contemplates the numerous ways they might have offended them over dinner. Transcript
Presidential DebateSummary: Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell) moderates the first Presidential debate between Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and John McCain (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Barack Obama, John McCain, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Rowboat DateSummary: Dimwitted Mary (Anna Faris) is enamored by her new boyfriend (Kenan Thompson) during their musical midnight boat ride, until she realizes he might just be a hit man assigned to kill her. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Former President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) can’t quite bring himself to endorse Barack Obama. Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) still counters her nervousness by constantly kidding around. Transcript
ScoresSummary: A trio of strippers (Anna Faris, Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson) are opposed to closing off the Champagne Room simply because the Wall Street bailout crisis will prevent their regular clients from being able to afford their services.
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to dish on the club music scene with co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg). Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.
Googie Rene’s Slightly Stained Wedding Dress BasementSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells bridal gowns at a discount because his inventory comes complete with stains. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Michael Phelps.
Duffy performs “Standing Stone
My Ex-BoyfriendSummary: Josh (Bill Hader) is proud to show off his new girlfriend, Sarah (Anna Faris), to his friends (Jason Sudeikis, Casey Wilson), except that she won’t stop talking glowingly about her ex-boyfriend. Transcript
Jim Lehrer…..Chris Parnell Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond Sen. Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
[ open on CNN graphic ]
[ dissolve to exterior, University of Mississippi, Gertrude Castellow Ford Center ]
[ dissolve to Jim Lehrer ]
Jim Lehrer: Good evening. And welcome to the Gertrude C. Ford Center at the University of Mississippi, for the first of three Presidential debates, between Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois, and Sen. John McCain of Arizona. I’m Jim Lehrer, and I will be your moderator this evening. Tonight’s debate will primarily focus on foreign policy and national security, which, by definition, includes the current financial crisis. Also, throughout the debate, I will urge you both to look at one another up to and beyond the point it becomes uncomfortable. So let me begin by asking each of you: where do you stand on the financial recovery plan, right now before Congress. Senator Obama?
Sen. Barack Obama: Uh, Jim, look. I think the most important element of any bailout plan… is that it protects Main Street… as well as Wall Street. ‘Cause hardworking middle-class Americans shouldn’t be taxed in order to rescue the nation’s wealthiest one percent.
Jim Lehrer: Senator McCain.
Sen. John McCain: Jim, I would like to take this opportunity to make my opponent a proposal: effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns, and instead hold a series of three pie-eating contests. Next Tuesday, Kansas City, lemon meringue; Saturday, Jacksonville, blueberry; the following week, in Dallas, coconut custard.
Jim Lehrer: Senator Obama?
Sen. Barack Obama: Jim, uhhhhh… I don’t see the value of this. [ a beat ] Maybe the blueberry.
Jim Lehrer: But, Senator McCain, what does this have to do with the issues in this election?
Sen. John McCain: Nothing at all, Jim. It’s what, in my campaign, we call a “stunt” or a “gimmick”. Something to shake up the race.
Jim Lehrer: That’s what it sounds like.
Sen. John McCain: That’s all it is. A little “straight talk” there.
Jim Lehrer: Still, Senator, I would like to hear your position on the bailout plan.
Sen. John McCain: Jim, what the American people need to understand, and what Senator Obama does not,/i> understand, is that the real problem here is excessive government spending, especially Congressional earmarks, and pork-barrel projects. Like this one: $75 million to the Department of Justice, for a program to notify convicted sex offenders when a child moves into their neighborhood. I fought that earmark, and I got the funding reduced to 41 million. And how about this? $8.2 million for something called “Tony Rezko Hush Money”.
Sen. Barack Obama: John, I withdrew that earmark right after he began cooperating with prosecutors. And I think you know that.
Sen. John McCain: Senator, the fact is, to fund all the other programs you’re planning, will require a massive tax increase.
Sen. Barack Obama: John, once again, you’re not being truthful about my proposals. Under my tax plan, not only would every American making less than $250,000 per year get a tax cut; so would most members of the Chicago City Council as well as city Building Inspectors. That’s because my plan would not tax income from bribes, kickbacks, shakedowns, embezzlement of government funds, or extortion.
Sen. John McCain: I just thought of something. Senator Obama, why don’t you and I immediately suspend our campaigns, and instead do three town hall meetings, where we appear nude or semi-nude. I think the American people have a right to know what their President would look like with no clothes on.
Sen. Barack Obama: Look, I’m not comfortable with that, Senator. I have two young daughters.
Sen. John McCain: October 4th, Hartford: completely naked, with optional posing strap. October 9th, Nashville: see-through body stockings. October 17th, Seattle: modified Chippendales-collar and bowtie, with tear-away tuxedo, or fringed leather chaps.
Sen. Barack Obama: Again, I don’t see the point.
Jim Lehrer: I think we’ll let the two of you work that out. But for now let’s turn to the war in Iraq. Senator Obama, what has this war taught us?
Sen. Barack Obama: Look, as you know, Jim, I opposed this war from the very beginning, when it was not the politically popular thing to do.
Sen. John McCain: Yet, Senator, you voted against the “surge”, a strategy that I have been arguing for since 1985. Long before anyone even thought of invading Iraq, I wanted to add more troops, in case we ever did invade.
Sen. Barack Obama: John, think about that for a moment. That doesn’t even make sense.
Sen. John McCain: Perhaps not to you, Senator. That’s because you’re not a “maverick”.
Sen. Barack Obama: John, the fact is, the “surge” was itself a remedy for a series of failed military policies by this Administration, policies you initially supported. As you have supported this President 90 percent of the time.
Sen. John McCain: Jim, my opponent knows that’s not true. I’ve never supported President Bush. I have undermined President Bush. Just ask any Republican: I have always been disloyal to this President, a disloyal, unreliable, untrustworthy renegade, who has abandoned my Party whenever it most needed me. The fact is, you simply can’t count on John McCain. And that’s why, on November 4th, the American people will elect me their next President.
Jim Lehrer: Alright. Now let’s turn to the topic of nuclear proliferation. Senator Obama, you have frequently been critical of this Administration’s efforts to stop Iran and North Korea’s nuclear weapons programs. What would you do differently?
Sen. Barack Obama: First of all, Jim. I would use traditional diplomacy. Something this Administration has consistently refused to do. Should that fail, then, and only then, I would try what I call “playing the race card”.
Jim Lehrer: And how would that work?
Sen. Barack Obama: Take North Korea. I would ask Kim Jong-Il to shut down his country’s nuclear weapons program. If he declined, I would say to him: ‘Alright, I get it. I know why you’re really refusing to stop the program.’ And he would say, ‘No, what are you talking about?’ And I would say, ‘It’s because I don’t look like all the other Presidents you’ve dealt with.’ Then he would say, ‘Wait. That’s not fair. That has nothing to do with it.’ And I would add, ‘That’s cool, I understand. I’m different. I’m not like the other guys on the five and ten dollar bills.’ It’s a long, delicate process. But eventually, he’ll have to give in.
Jim Lehrer: And what if he didn’t?
Sen. Barack Obama: Then I would try the “carrot”: dinner with Scarlett Johansson.
Jim Lehrer: Would she agree to have dinner with Kim Jong-Il?
Sen. Barack Obama: For me she would, yes.
Sen. John McCain: Look, my friends. I have no idea who Scarlett Johansson is. But let me tell you something. No President should ever tell our enemies what we might do in a negotiation.
Sen. Barack Obama: That’s interesting, John. Coming from the guy who sang, “Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.”
Sen. John McCain: Obviously, my opponent doesn’t understand. There was a musical combo called the Beach Boys. Who recorded a song that went “Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann”, which sounds like, “Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.” Evidently, he’s unaware of that.
Jim Lehrer: Okay. I had hoped to explore the candidates’ views of the War on Terror, but we are just about out of time.
Sen. John McCain: Jim, may I throw out one more offer? My opponent and I both suspend our campaigns. We’re airdropped into Waziristan, and neither of us comes back until we’ve found and captured Osama Bin Laden. It’s a ‘maverick’ move, and it could break this race wide open.
Sen. Barack Obama: I can’t. I have a fundraiser at Rob Reiner’s.
Sen. John McCain: I know it’s not the safe thing to do politically. But if there’s any chance of catching Bin Laden, I would rather lose my life than win an election.
Jim Lehrer: Really? You’d rather risk capture by Al Qaeda than possibly become President?
Sen. John McCain: Truthfully, yes. At this point, I don’t really care anymore. I mean it.
Jim Lehrer: And that concludes tonight’s debate. I would like to thank our candidates, our audience and Senator Hillary Clinton who flew down here just in case Senator McCain didn’t show up. [ show Hillary Clinton sitting in wait ] I’m sorry it didn’t work out. From all of us here at the Gertrude C. Ford Center, thank you and good night.
Rob…..Jason Sudeikis Casey…..Casey Wilson Josh…..Bill Hader Sarah…..Anna Faris Waiter…..Will Forte
[ open on exterior, Beer Garden ]
[ dissolve to patio area, where Rob and Casey sit ]
Casey: So… Josh is bringing his new girlfriend?
Rob: Yep, yep! And I… think this one’s a keeper. The way he keeps talking about her, I can tell he’s totally in loooove!
Casey: Ohhh! I am so happy for him! You know, after ALL the trouble Josh has had with women, he deserves it.
Rob: Tell me about it.
[ Josh enters with Sarah ]
Josh: Heeeeeeyy!! [ they all greet one another ] This is Sarah. Sarah, Rob.
Rob: Hmm. Hi.
Casey: It’s really, really great to meet you! We’ve heard so much about you.
Sarah: Aw, thanks! You know, I just — I love this restaurant! I actually came here once with my ex-boyfriend, and we had SUCH an amazing time! [ everyone laughs ] Yeah, that was — that was ne CRAZY night!
Rob: Yeah, I know. It’s really a cool place.
Casey: Yeah.
[ the Waiter steps in ]
Waiter: Guten tag! Uh, can I start you guys off with some beers?
Rob: Yeah. How does four Heffervisens sound?
Josh: Sounds perfect. [ to the waiter ] Do you have those big steins?
Waiter: Yeah. We sure do.
Sarah: Actually, you know what? Just make mine a regular pint. [ to the group ] You know, whenever I drink too much, I get crazy! [ she giggles ]
Josh: Oh, you do?
Sarah: Yeah! Yeah, well… not as much as with you, but I-I used to be a little wild. My ex-boyfriend was a terrible influence… but, you know, terrible in a super-fun way! [ she laughs alone ]
Waiter: I’ll be right back with those beers. [ he exits ]
Rob: Alright… alright, so, uh — how did you two meet?
Josh: At Sarah’s art gallery in Chelsea, uh — I was there for a company party, and we started talking, and we just had an instant connection.
Rob: Oh.
Sarah: Yeah, it was a show with all my ex-boyfriend’s artwork, and, uh — you guys HAVE to come check it out sometime, he is SO incredibly talented. And SO good with his hands!
[ an uncomfortable silence permeates the table ]
Rob: Hey! The drinks are here! Here we go! [ the waiter returns ] Alright! Yum-yum! [ theyall collect their drinks ] Alright, why don’t we Cheers it up here… [ Sarah gulps her drink down ] You’re gonna dive right in? Alright… okay… fine.
Casey: Uh, so, Sarah, I don’t know — I don’t know if Josh told you, but, uh — Rob and I just got back from sunny Costa Rica.
Sarah: Ohhh!
Casey: Really.
Rob: Amazing.
Sarah: My ex-boyfriend took me there for New Year’s!
Rob: Oh, nice — did you go snorkeling?
Sarah: No. We never even left the hotel! [ she laughs loudly ] Oh, my God, he was SUCH a force of nature in the bedroom! I found out later he had dislocated my pelvis, but… I couldn’t separate the pain from the pleasure!
Josh: Okay, can we try not to talk about something that’s related to your ex-boyfriend? [ he laughs uncomfortably ]
Sarah: Okay, what about hurricanes?
Everyone: Sure! Yeah, hurricanes! Yeah! Hurricanes are great!
Sarah: I was caught in a hurricane five years ago.
Rob: Oh, no…
Sarah: I was with my ex-boyfriend at the time, and… [ Josh shrugs ] we were out in the open with NO protection. The eye of the storm headed STRAIGHT for us. Luckily, Julien — that’s my ex-boyfriend — um — was able to dig a trench for me to lay in. And then he laid his chiseled body on top of mine, and shielded me until the storm passed. [ Josh sighs heavily ] And, the whole time, we kept each other warm with the most tender lovemaking. After a few hours, I couldn’t distinguish between the storm and the writing of our naked bodies.
[ Rob chokes on his beer, embarrassed for his friend ]
Rob: Uh — this is a human being we’re talking about, right? [ he forces a chuckle ]
[ the Waiter returns carrying a bratwurst on a plate ]
Waiter: He-eyyy! Just thought I’d start you guys off with a signature bratwurst for the table. And, don’t worry — it’s on the house! [ he exits ]
[ acknowledging the bratwurst ] You know… this reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend!
Josh: Okay, that’s it! Thank you! [ he abruptly leaves the restaurant ]
Sarah: What? You know, I — I just meant that people used to bring my ex-boyfriend free food all the time!
Casey: Ohhhhh…
Rob: Oh, right…
Sarah: And, you know? This actually looks a lot like his penis!
[ Rob and Casey signal for the waiter to bring them the check so they can get away from Sarah as well ]
Cheryl…..Casey Wilson Mark…..Bobby Moynihan Husband…..Jason Sudekis Wife…..Anna Faris
[Exterior shot of car driving in night approaches the screen]
Husband: Beautiful, just a beautiful neighborhood. It’s really nice. You guys are very very lucky. I’m sure you know that. Wow. You know, it was nice to finally get to hang out with you guys.
Wife: Yes, thank you guys again for buying dinner!
Cheryl: Oh, no problem! Thanks for driving.
Wife: You know, we should really do this again some time.
Mark: Yeah, yeah! It was fun! This is us right here!
Husband: Alright, there you go!
Cheryl: See you guys! [The four say their goodbyes; Mark and Cheryl exit the car]
Husband: And there you have it! Wow. Well, that wasn’t too bad.
Wife: No, not at all! I had a blast. Cheryl is so funny.
Husband: Oh my god, she’s hilarious!
Wife: When she was talking about coupons, I was choking on my penne!
Husband: I love her! I literally fell in love with her! And how about that story about Mark saving those kids’ lives?
Wife: Oh! Unbelievable!
Husband: The man is a hero!
Wife: A true American hero!
Husband: He’s a saint!
Wife: His power, his effortlessness, his hand shake…
Husband: Incredibly firm.
Wife: Do you think they liked us?
Husband: No way! No way! They hated us!
Wife: Unfiltered contempt, that’s what I was thinking.
Husband: A disgust usually reserved for that of pedophiles, I’d say.
Wife: How did we let that happen?
Husband: I don’t know. I don’t know where we went wrong. Honestly.
Wife: Am I crazy?
Husband: No!
Wife: We started out fine, right?
Husband: Absolutely! We got here on time…
Wife: I mean I complimented them on their home…
Husband: Yeah, and who doesn’t love compliments?!
Wife: Right!
Husband: I mean, was it rude of me to ask him how much money he makes?
Wife: Don’t be silly! I thought it was rude to make you ask like 20 times!
Husband: I agree!
Wife: If I made that money, I would love to talk about it!
Husband: That’s how I feel!
Wife: Do you think she knew I was joking when I called her a bitch?
Husband: Of course!
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Are you kidding me?!
Wife: I just get, you know, so goofy after three glasses of wine!
Husband: Oh, who doesn’t?!
Wife: Not to mention the four at dinner.
Husband: Yeah…
Wife: And the four at dessert.
Husband: Well…
Wife: I should’ve eaten something tonight.
Husband: Well you’re on a cleanse, you know? Hey, was there a weird moment when I mentioned the wife swap?
Anna Faris: Thank you, thank you very, very much! You guys, Im SO excited to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. A lot of you know me from my movie, “The House Bunny”… (audience applauds) and, uh… Ive played a lot of parts when Ive had to be a blonde, and because of that, a lot of people think I am a dumb blonde, and Im here to tell you its totally true. I am, and I just want you all to know, Im fine with that! Im just enjoying life, having a good time, so what I do care if Im a little bit of an airhead?
(Camera cuts away from audience to side of Anna; she turns and looks)
But can I tell you a secret? Ill be in a conversation sometimes, and not only will I not know what people are talking about, Ill forget who they are. Its like my head is a prison.
(Looks back at audience)
Whoo! But you know, enough about that, I am so psyched to be here! All week, I was like What day is the show happening? And they were like Saturday! And I was like Youre joking! And they were all Why do you think its called Saturday Night Live?
(Camera again turns to sideview of Anna)
But the thing is, I had no idea it was called that. I didnt even know this was a TV show until like an hour ago.
(Looks back at audience)
Whoo! But the important thing is we are gonna have fun tonight, and I know a thing or two about fun! Party!
(Camera again cuts away from audience; Anna pauses)
I… forgot what I was gonna say.
(Looks back at audience)
Whoo! Oh yeah, I remember! We got a great show for you tonight! Duffy is here! I hope thats a person! So stick around, and we will be right back!
I love you but I gotta stay true my morals got me on my knees I’m begging please stop playing games
I don’t know what this is but you got me good just like you knew you would
I don’t know what you do but you do it well I’m under your spell
You got me begging you for mercy why won’t you release me you got me begging you for mercy why won’t you release me I said release me
Now you think that I will be something on the side but you got to understand that I need a man who can take my hand yes I do
I don’t know what this is but you got me good just like you knew you would
I don’t know what you do but you do it well I’m under your spell
You got me begging you for mercy why won’t you release me you got me begging you for mercy why wont you release me I said you’d better release yeah yeah yeah
I’m begging you for mercy yes why won’t you release me I’m begging you for mercy
you got me begging you got me begging you got me begging
Mercy, why won’t you release me I’m begging you for mercy why won’t you release me
you got me begging you for mercy I’m begging you for mercy I’m begging you for mercy I’m begging you for mercy I’m begging you for mercy
Why won’t you release me yeah yeah break it down.”
Announcer: And now, part 4 of Katie Couric’s interview with Alaska governor Sarah Palin.
[ dissolve to Sarah Palin and Katie Couric seated across from one another on interview set ]
Katie Couric: Gov. Palin, thank you for agreeing to talk with me one more time.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, hey… you know… sure!
Katie Couric: [ blinking massively ] Did you enjoy your week in New York City?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, Katie, I did, and I wasn’t sure I would, at first. New York is, of course, home to the Liberal media elite, but Todd and the kids had a great time going to the Central Park and the, and the F.A.O. Schwartz, and that kooky evolution museum!
Katie Couric: So, it sounds like the trip was a success?
Gov. Sarah Palin: There were some funny moments! For instance, I had fifteen or twenty false alarms where I thought I saw Osama bin Laden driving a taxi! And I was embarrassed to be wrong, but, mostly, I was disappointed I wasn’t right! Also, in an area to bone up on foreign policy, I went to the Times Square area to see a film called “The Bush Doctrine” — it was NOT about politics!
Katie Couric: You went to the UN for the first time. How was that experience?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, you know, it was just amazing, so many interesting people, though, I have to say, I was disheartened by how many of them were foreignors! I can promise that, when Sen. McCain and I are elected, we’re gonna get those jobs back in American hands!
Katie Couric: [ stunned into quiet confusion ] How did the world leaders you met… react to you?
Gov. Sarah Palin: They embraced me, Katie! Figuratively and — a couple of those Pakistani guys — literally. [ show footage of Palin shaking hands with various foreign leaders ] But they were all so welcoming. Be it from Hamid Karzai, the President of Afghanistan; Jalal Talabani, the President of Iraq; or Bono, the King of Ireland!
Katie Couric: On foreign policy, I want to give you… one more chance… to explain your claim that you have foreign policy experience, based on Alaska’s proximity to Russia. What did you mean by that?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, Alaska and Russia are only separated by a narrow maritime border. [ she holds up her hands ] You’ve got Alaska here, and this right here is water, and, then, that up there is Russia. So we keep an eye on them.
Katie Couric: And how do you do that, exactly?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Every morning, when Alaskans wake up, one of the first things they do is look outside and see if there are any Russians hanging around. If there are, you gotta go up to them and ask, “What are ya’ doing here?” And if they give you a good reason — they can’t — then, it’s our responsibility to say, you know, “Shoo! Get back over there!”
Katie Couric: Sen. McCain shut down his campaign this week, in order to deal with the economic crisis. What’s your opinion of this potential $700 billion bailout?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Like every American I’m speaking with, we are ill about this! We’re saying, “Hey! Why bail out Fannie and Freddie, and not me?” But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those that are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. To help, um — it’s gotta be about job creation, too. Also, about shoring up our economy, and putting Fannie and Freddie back on the right track. And, so, health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending, ’cause, Barack Obama, you know? You know, we’ve got to accompany tax reduction, and tax relief for Americans. Also, having a dollar value meal at restaurants — that’s gonna help. But, one in five jobs being created today, under the umbrella of job creation. That, you know, also>.
Katie Couric: [ shaking her head ] What lessons have you learned from Iraq, and how, specifically, would you spread democracy abroad?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Specifically, we would make every effort possible to spread democracy abroad to those who want it!
Katie Couric: Yes, but, specifically, what would you do?
Gov. Sarah Palin: We’re gonna promote freedom, usher in democratic values and ideals, and fight terror-loving terrorists.
Katie Couric: But, again — and, not to belabor the point — one specific thing?
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ after an extended silence ] Katie, I’d like to use one of my lifelines!
Katie Couric: I’m sorry?
Gov. Sarah Palin: I want to phone a friend!
Katie Couric: You don’t have any lifelines.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, in that case, I’m just gonna have to get back to ya’!
Forgive me, Mrs. Palin, but it seems to me that, when cornered, you become increasingly adorable. Is that fair to say?
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ in a cutesy-pie manner ] I don’t know, is it? [ she fires her fingers like pistols ]
Katie Couric: Gov. Palin, is there anything else you’d like to say, other than “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Yes — “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight”!
Mike: [ caught off guard again ] Yeah, yeah, yeah — I’m Mike.
Mary: I haven’t been totally honest with you. I didn’t dump my last boyfriend. He was arrested. It turned out he was a lawyer for drug deals.
Mike: [ with mock surprise ] Oh, my good-ness! That’s cra-zy!
Mary: Yes. And, as they dragged him away, the last thing he said was, “Mary, your life is in danger! People are going to be out to get you because of what you know! Don’t trust ANYBODY!” [ she smiles ] So, you can imagine how happy I was when a handsome stranger Facebooked me out of nowhere, and asked me to go out on a date in the middle of a lake!
Mike: Yeah. Life is CRAZY like that!
Mary: Yes! It IS crazy like that!
[ music pots up, as she breaks into song ]
Mary: “How did I meet this guy? How did I get so lucky? Hey, Mr. Perfect Time I swear he’s my knight in shining armour! He makes me smile, he makes me laugh! His arms are so strong, he could break me in half! How did I meet this guy? How did I get so lucky?”
[ on the other side of the boat, Mike breaks into song as well ]
Mike: “I gotta KILL this lady! Ideally, within the NEXT half-hour! Then I can drive back home And catch the end of Monday Night Football I feel kinda bad, ’cause she seems really nice But such is the life of a professional hit man! I gotta KILL this lady! And then catch Monday Night Football.”
[ music fades ]
Mary: Mike? I know it’s only our first date, but… I feel like we’re soul mates.
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah — that’s true. That’s true. We have many similarities.
Mary: “I’m starting to get a bad feeling That this is a man who’s been paid to kill me. I bet his name isn’t Mike Which is why he’s confused when I say Mike. I should have suspected that something was wrong When the boat ws chained up and he shot the lock off. Why did I trust this guy? Why am I such a dum-my?”
[ music fades ]
Mike: You’re right. My name’s not Mike.
Mary: How did you know I was thinking that?
Mike: Well, you’ve been singing out loud.
Mary: So, are — are you gonna kill me?
Mike: No. I-I-I-I can’t do it. I lost my nerve.
Mary: [ smiling ] Is it because we’re soul mates?
Mike: No, no, no. I just gotta get out of this lake. I just remembered I can’t swim.
Mary: I’ll paddle, Mike.
Mike: Well, it’s… Darren.
[ music pots up again, as they break into song together ]
[ simultaneously: ]
Mary: “I’m gonna have sex with this guy!”
Mike: “I’m gonna have sex with this girl!”
Together: “How did I get so lucky?”
[ camera pans out to studio wide shot, and fades ]
…..Seth Meyers …..Amy Poehler Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Judy Grimes…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: Good evening. I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:
With the nation facing a historic financial crisis, President Bush, on Thursday, convened the summit that included John McCain, Barack Obama, and senior members of Congress. Afterwards, their efforts were commemorated with this banner: [ McCain, Bush, Barack stand in front of a “Nothing Accomplished” banner ]
Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street, while it would do virtually nothing to help out Main Street. And, as always, youre on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Seth Meyers: Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion. To give you an idea of how much money that is, I CAN’T give you an idea of how much money that is.
The first Presidential debate took place last night, and, earlier in the week, Barack Obama said that he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not. Marking the first time in history the Black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a White one.
Amy Poehler: Police in West Virginia charged a man with one count of battery, after he passed gas at one of the officers. Meaning the Supreme Court may have to revisit the landmark case of Smelt It v. Dealt It.
Seth Meyers: v. Dealt It?
Amy Poehler: v. Dealt It!
Seth Meyers: As the election approaches, both candidates have been relying more and more on the support of their party leaders. Here to comment on the race is one such leader — the 42nd President of the United States, President Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Seth… and thank you, Amy… and, most especially, thank you, Duffy. [ the audience cheers ] I’m here tonight because our nation is in the midst of a great crisis. People ask me who can propel American out of this economic freefall, and put us back on track. And I tell them… “Brack Obama is the only… Democratic nominee for President.”
Seth Meyers: That — that doesn’t exactly sound like a ringing endorsement.
Bill Clinton: [ scoffs ] I don’t think I can be any more clearer.I belong to the Democratic Party. Barack Obama’s also in the Democratic Party. And I’m not a party wrecker. I love parties! A lot of times, I show up at a party and people say, “Maaaan, this party was BEAT, ’til you got here!” Yesterday, I asked somebody, “Hey? Do you party?” You can see where my support lies.
Seth Meyers: Mmm-hmm. So — [ he laughs ] you support Barack Obama for President of the United States?
Bill Clinton: [ he guffaws ] Let me just lay it out! I… support… Barack… Obama… is something I’ve heard from people all over this country. What this country needs is change. Come January, we cannot… have… the same… president.
Seth Meyers: Well, of course we can’t have the same president. It would be a change whether it’s Obama or McCain.
Bill Clinton: [ grabs his head ] That’s true! I didn’t even THINK about that! That is a GREAT point! John McCain would also be a change! But, look, I’m not here to bash John McCain.
Seth Meyers: Well, you haven’t been…
Bill Clinton: That’s right. I’m not gonna trsh John McCain just because he’s a Republican, or a war hero, or a great friend who’s hilarious and cool. I will not. I will not. I, for one, respect those things. Still, there are many things we disagree on. For instance, Sen. McCain likes the show “C.S.I.” Whereas, I love… “Californication”.
Seth Meyers: Well, there might be qualities about John McCain you respect, but do you honestly believe that Gov. Sarah Palin is prepared to be Vice-President?
Bill Clinton: Look… sometimes women will be uncomfortable doing something at first… [ extended cheers and applause from the audience ] I have found, with enough persuasion… they will come around.
Seth Meyers: I’m sorry… I’m still a little confused. It almost sounds like you’re endorsing the McCain-Palin ticket.
Bill Clinton: Oh, Seth. I’m gonna say this one more time: There is only one man for this job. [ he stops ]
Seth Meyers: And?
Bill Clinton: And… watch “Californication”! The sex scenes are so real, that that guy had to go to sex rehab!
Seth Meyers: President Bill Clinton, everyone!
Amy Poehler: A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works is: you enter the maze, and then suddenly realzie you’re in way over your head.
Seth Meyers: Animal rights group PETA is urging Ben & Jerry’s to replace the milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk. After which, Ben & Jerry’s introduced their new flavor: Chocolate Mint — ’cause they’re NOT gonna use breast milk!
Nearly 300 tow trucks participated Sunday in a parade through New York, in an attempt to break a record. The record? Least Gay Parade.
Amy Poehler: A Japanese artist is creating tree huts in New York’s Madison Square Park, which resemble children’s treehouses and are meant for thinking, dreaming, and remembering… but will be used for sleeping, urinating, and masturbating.
Seth Meyers: Sunday’s 60th Prime Time Emmy Awards were hosted by the five reality show nominees, in an apparent attempt to make us hate television.
Amy Poehler: Now, we all know it’s no secret that recent economic woes have had a serious effect on the travel industry. In order to recoup losses, most airlines are implementing checked bag fees and gasoline surcharges. Here to discuss this trend, once again, is travel writer Judy Grimes.
Judy Grimes: [ in a high-pitched voice ] Hiiiiiiii!! Just kidding, I don’t say “Hi” like that, I say “Hi” like this: [ low-pitched ] Hiii! Just kidding, that was a little more normal than I say it. “Hi!” That’s how I say it, that’s how I say it — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Hi, Judy. Uh — now, Judy, last time you were here, you let your nerves get the best of you. And, I have to say, you still sound pretty nervous. You sure you’re ready to do thid?
Judy Grimes: [ nervously ] Mmm-hmm…
Amy Poehler: Okay! Great! Judy, what do you think about the airlines charging $50 for checked bags? I mean, is there a way a person can travel without spending a fortune?
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] Actually, there’s a few ways — just kidding, there’s only one way — just kidding, I don’t know how many ways there are — just kidding, I do, there’s eight — just kidding, there’s eighteen, I counted them — just kidding, my friend did and she never lies — just kidding, she lied once, but I wasn’t there — just kidding, we’re not really friends, we work together — just kidding, I work by myself — just kidding, I work out by myself — just kidding, I don’t work out, ’cause I kicked out of my gym — just kidding, it closed — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Judy, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say maybe you’re still a little too nervous.
Judy Grimes: Mmm-hmm — just kidding.
Amy Poehler: Well, maybe — you know, you can come back another time.
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] I’m fine. Besides, I… can’t come back another time because I’m too busy — just kidding, I’m not busy — just kidding, I am but I don’t have any time for you — just kidding, I don’t know how to make time — just kidding, but I know how to make pies — just kidding, I don’t — just kidding, I do, and I’ll make one right now — just kidding, I can’t, because I don’t have a pan — just kidding, I do, but I gotta buy sugar — just kidding, I have what I need, but I don’t have a stove — just kidding, there’s a stove under here, it’s hot — ouch! — just kidding, there’s no stove under here, there’s one at my house, let’s go there right now — just kidding, we can’t all go together, it’s hard to travel in a group — just kidding, we can’t do it because my car’s not big enough — just kidding, we’re in right now, this whole studio’s my car — just kidding, it isn’t — just kidding, it is — beep, beep! Get out of my way! — just kidding, we’re not in my car — just kidding, I wrecked my car — just kidding, I ran into a tree — just kidding, it was a bush — just kidding, it was a man, he was very upset — just kidding, he laughed — just kidding, he died — just kidding, it was a dream — just kidding, it wasn’t a dream, it was a movie I rented — just kidding, I bought it, and now I regret it, it wasn’t very good — just kidding, it was okay — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Wow, thank you. Once again, thanks for nothing, Judy.
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] My name’s not Judy, it’s Nudy — just kidding, that’s dumb — just kidding, it’s smart — just kidding, it’s not really anything, but, just for the record, my name is actually Julie, you’ve always said it wrong, I didn’t say anything — just kidding, I did but nobody listened — just kidding, they did — just kidding — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Judy Grimes, everybody. Judy Grimes.
Seth Meyers: Police in Portland, Oregon told a woman who was skating nude to stop after construction workers complained. Which raises the question: What in God’s name has happened to construction workers?
A New Jersey man is suing two men for allegedly using Facebook to organize an attack on him at a bar. By the time police arrived, the man had been super-poked beyond recognition.
Amy Poehler: Scientists reported this week that a newly-discovered chicken-sized dinosaur that lived in North America survived by eating termites. The scientists arrived at this conclusion using a technique they call Guessing.
A man in New York State pleaded guilty to public lewdness this week, after he took his pants off before going into a donut shop. The man said he only did it so he could carry mroe donuts.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers.
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Air Date:
CBS Evening NewsSummary: Part 4 of Katie Couric’s (Amy Poehler) interview with Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) leaves the anchorman flustered by the governor’s folksy responses.
