Category: 2009

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Goodnights

…..Jude Law

Jude Law: Hey! Thanks to Pearl Jam! Jerry Seinfeld! Julian Casablancas! And thanks to all of you! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Jude Law’s Monologue

…..Jude Law

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, Jude Law!

[audience cheers]

Jude Law: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here! Thank you. It’s great to be back on the stage! You know, last summer I was here, my musical guest was Ashlee Simpson. Hey, and do you know what? I think [sarcastically] she was great.

I’ve actually spent a lot of time in New York lately because I was playing Hamlet on Broadway. [audience cheers] Thank you. I spent the last year of my life performing the role. You know, every actor does Hamlet differently and, uh, since I’m back on stage, I figured I’d share my impression of what it was like for me to play. So, uh, it can be four and half hours long, so I”m going to try to be quick.

Um… we begin in Elsinor Castle. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Hamlet, a troubled yet extremely handsome prince, is coping with his father’s death. Suddenly, his father’s ghost appears and tells him to avenge his murder. So, Hamlet rages against his mother for marrying his uncle, the killer. “Frailty, thy name is woman,” he says, plus many other lines that are less famous and harder to memorize. Then, there’s a long part where one guy in a hat shouts at another guy in a hat, and he’s also…uh, it’s a little bit boring. Anyway, then, everyone in the audience is like “Okay, here it comes. Hamlet’s going to do the famous ‘to be or not to be’ speech.” And I’m nervous, you know, but then I think, well, they paid all this money and they dressed up nice, and I don’t want to get into trouble like Piven. [audience laughs] So, I say “to be or not to be: that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them. Someone’s phone goes off. [there’s a sound of a phone ringing] [in his American accent] Hello? Yeah, I’m in the theater. Eh, he’s okay. [switches back to English accent] To die, to sleep, then more blah blah blah blah. Then, Hamlet kills one of the guys in the hat, and by mistake, he’s sent to England. Now, this is my favorite part of the play because I get to leave the stage and go to my dressing room. Check my e-mail, maybe play on Twitter, read the New York Post. Oh, I’m in it. Then, the stage manager knocks on the door. Three minutes, two. I ask for a biscuit, he brings me a biscuit, I eat the biscuit. And then, I come back out on stage and Ophelia’s dead. I don’t know what happened there; I’ve never watched act four. Then what? Uh….there’s a skull. Alas, poor Yorick. Gertrude dies, uh, Laertes stabs me, I stab him, I stab Claudius, they die, I die, the rest is silence. Then, applause! I bow, there’s more applause! I take another bow, more applause! I put up my arms pretending like, you know, I’m sick of bowing, but that, of course, leads to more applause! So, I give my biggest bow of all and I get into a cab and I go back to my apartment, drink a bottle of wine, turn on the TV, watch MTV Teen Cribs, which is pretty fun actually. It’s like regular Cribs, but with teens…so anyway, that’s my Hamlet!

[audience cheers]

We have a great show, Pearl Jam is here! So stick around, we’ll be back! [audience cheers]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

PGA Tour III

Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis

[ open on PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: And now, the final message from the PGA Tour.

[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, flask in hand and tie wrapped around his head, seated drunkenly at booth ]

Tim Finchem: [ singing ] “It’s the eye of the tiger…” The wandering eye of a JERK!! [ he looks up and smiles ] oh, heeey there! Tim Finchem, suicide watch. Um — the pga tour is back. Huh? Did I mention the golf cart races? [ he sips from his flask, spits, then gets serious ] Okay, look — I want to thank our newest sponsors: the Erie, Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce… the letter “Q”… and, uh — and seltzer! If you’re looking for bubbles, you’re looking for seltzer! It’s great to have you guys on board. All right? Hey. You know that saying — that saying that “Any publicity is good publicity”? Who said that? Seriously! Who said that?! I want his name and his address! Because he’s a LIAR!!

[ he hoists his flask to his mouth, then falls short and makes a raspberry ]

Tim Finchem: Hey, you know what? On the tour, we’ve got Steve Elkington… and we got a guy named Henrik Stenson… and there’s a dude named Whitey Whiterson… and “Trust Fund” Jones III. You know — just regular dudes dudes can relate to! [ he swallows, then breaks down ] Oh, we’ve literally got nobody, okay? We have NOBODY! [ he starts to weep ] Aw, just stop it! Just stop the commercial! [ he leans back and screams ] TIIIIGERRRR!!

[ return to PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour. P.S.: Yikes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Twilight Debate

Mr. Armstrong…..Bill Hader
Ellie…..Jenny Slate
Mariana…..Taylor Lautner
Female Student…..Nasim Pedrad
Male Student #1……Andy Samberg
Male Student #2……Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior, high school, as the bell rings ]

[ dissolve to interior, science lab ]

Mr. Armstrong: All right, class. I need everyone to pair off in teams for their lab reports.

Ellie: [ wearing a “Team Jacob” t-shirt ] Mr. Armstrong, there’s a problem. I don’t have a lab partner.

Mr. Armstrong: That’s impossible, Ellie. There’s an even number of people in this class.

Ellie: That may very well be, but it should be obvious that I cannot work with Marianna.

Mr. Armstrong: Why not?

Ellie: You know why not.

[ reveal Marianna, wearing a Team Edward t-shirt ]

Mr. Armstrong: Ellie, don’t be ridiculous. Go work with Marianna.

Mariana: Um — I don’t want to work with her either, Mr. Armstrong.

Mr. Armstrong: Why not?

Mariana: How can I ever trust her scientific conclusions if she prefers Jacob to Edward? Jacob smells. He smells like a wet dog.

Ellie: Maybe Jacob smells like a wet dog, but at least he’s loyal and he wouldn’t just leave you and break your heart.

Mariana: Uh, Edward left to protect Bella!

Ellie: Yeah, well, he should have said that instead of lying to her!

Mariana: It KILLED him to lie to her, but he had no choice!

Mr. Armstrong: Enough!! Will anyone switch partners with Marianna or Ellie?

Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Armstrong: Sorry, you’ll have to work together.

Ellie: Well, If we’re going to have to work together, then we’re going to need a truce.

Mariana: Like the truce between the vampires and the werewolves?

Ellie: Oh, duh! What other truces are there?

Mariana: Fine. What’s the truce?

Ellie: If you promise not to disparage my beautiful Jacob, I promise not to mention your moody, overjealous girlfriend.

Mariana: No! Edward is — Edward is a BOY!!

Ellie: Then why does he sparkle like a princess’ tiara?!

Mr. Armstrong: All right! That’s enough! Is anyone willing to switch with Ellie or Marianna?

Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Armstrong: Then I’m left with no choice. You both to come up to the front of the class… and debate Edward vs. Jacob once and for all.

[ Ellie and Marianna relunctantly step forward, as the rest of the class frowns ]

Female Student: Couldn’t you just send them to the principal?

Male Student #1: Yeah. Why would you even want to hear them talk about this nonsense?

Mr. Armstrong: Because I’m a scientist. And, as a scientist, I look for answers. Marianna, you go first.

Mariana: Thank you, Mr. Armstrong. Love. What is it? Can it be planned? Or is it fated? I believe it is. In the moment I heard Edward say: [ he holds up Edward notebook in front of his face ] “i don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore,” I knew we’d be together.

Male Student #2: [ shaking his head ] I’m sorry. Does she think she’s going to end up with the fictional vampire from “Twilight”?

Mariana: Not think. Know! [ he leans down to kiss his notebook ]

[ at this point, Jenny Slate reads the wrong line off of the cue card ]

Ellie: Hey… what have I told you, Marianna..?

Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] What have I told you, Marianna? What are you doing?

Mariana: [ she stops ] I’m sorry. Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing.

Mr. Armstrong: That’s right. Ellie?

Ellie: Thank you. There was a time in my life when I, too, loved Edward Cullen, when Jacob was nearly a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed. Maybe I changed. Maybe I learned the value of a guy who is also my friend. But, more likely, Jacob changed. And when he took off his shirt in “New Moon,” I saw those changes, and I was like, “Yeah! I want bake cookies on your stomach.”

Mariana: No. Those are fake abs!

Ellie: These are not fake abs.

Mariana: They are, too, fake! They’re CGI, just like the wolf.

Ellie: These are real! These abs are real.

Mariana: If those abs are real, then the dude who played jacob deserves an Oscar.

Ellie: Yeah, he does deserve an Oscar! He does deserve an Oscar! He does!

Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] Girls! Stop, stop! What happened to you? You used to be best friends, and then “Twilight” changed everything. I mean, can’t you get past your differences?

Ellie: I wish we could, but I can’t connect with a person who prefers ice cold vampire blood to the hot bodied torso of werewolf man.

Mariana: Yeah! And I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t see that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that doesn’t deserve either one of them.

Ellie: But I do think that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that does not deserve either one of them.

Mariana: You do?

Ellie: Totally!

Mariana: Oh… my… goodness! Do you want to talk about this during recess?

Ellie: I want to talk about this for a thousand recesses.

Mariana: Whoo-ooh-ooh!

[ they return to their lab table ]

Mr. Armstrong: Alright. How about a round of applause for ellie and marianna?

[ no response ]

Mr. Armstrong: Would you think about it, at least? No? Okay. [ he turns to the blackboard ] So — biology!

[ cut to exterior, high school ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9


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09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Mistress Number 15…..Nasim Pedrad
Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Tiger Woods announced on his website yesterday that he is taking an indefinite break from professional golf. Though I’m pretty sure golf wasn’t the problem.

As new reports of his alleged extramarital affairs continue to surface, Gatorade announced this week that it’s dropping its Tiger Woods themed sports drink, while Birds Eye is going forward with its line of Tiger Woods side dishes.

Democrats in the Senate, on Wednesday, reached a tentative compromise on the Health Care bill that would pull out the public option in favor of a private insurance plan. They also pulled out federal funding for abortion coverage, then they pulled out the provision to import drugs from Canada, then they pulled — oh no! Jenga! Health Care Reform Jenga!

Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the UN Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the global warming summit, make sure to cap your emissions.

During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, “I’m the President, but he’s the Boss.” At which point, Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.

Seth Meyers: Earlier today, yet another woman came forward claiming to have had an affair with Tiger Woods, bringing the total number of alleged mistresses to 15. Here with her story, is Mistress Number 15.

Mistress Number 15: Hi, Seth! Hi!

Seth Meyers: Hi, there. So, start at the beginning: How did you get involved with the superstar athlete?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, first of all, Seth, I didn’t even know he was an athlete — I just knew he was super rich. And I didn’t know he was married.

Seth Meyers: But, eventually, you found out he was married?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, sure, sure! But, by then, I also knew he was superfamous, soooo… what was I supposed to do?

Seth Meyers: Not have an affair with him?

Mistress Number 15: Yeahhhhhh, it’s just really hard not to have an affair with someone you’re having sex with. Does that make sense?

Seth Meyers: No… okay…

Mistress Number 15: But, Seth, you also have to understand that it was more than sex.

Seth Meyers: Oh, it was?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, sure, sure! I mean, he would do the most romantic things, Seth. Like, sometimes he would text me. [ she leaves it hanging ]

Seth Meyers: Oh. Is that it? Okay. So, uh, what was your reaction when all those other mistresses were revealed?

Mistress Number 15: Well, at first… I just thought they were me in different outfits and hair. But then I found out they were their own people.

Seth Meyers: Right. And how did you feel when you knew it wasn’t just you?

Mistress Number 15: Uhhhhh, what’s the word for, like, when you’re mad?

Seth Meyers: Mad.

Mistress Number 15: Yeah, that’s it! I was mad! I couldn’t believe he would cheat on me!

Seth Meyers: [ perplexed ] But he was already cheating on his wife with you.

Mistress Number 15: Oh, for sure, sure! But I thought I was special.

Seth Meyers: Why?

Mistress Number 15: Because he was texting me, and — I don’t know — I wear tank tops.

Seth Meyers: You sure do, but why the need to go public?

Mistress Number 15: Well, I just felt like if I waited, I would be known as Mistress 16, or 17 — and, at that point, people would think I was a slut!

Seth Meyers: Mistress Number 15, everyone.

Mistress Number 15: Sure, sure! Sure!

This week, after a performance in England, Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England. “Well, this is weird,” thought both of them.

It was rumored this week that disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is considering a run for state comptroller, though I’m not sure that’s the right job for a guy who obviously can’t “comptroll” himself.

Prosecutors in New York State are trying to block the release from a halfway house of a 100-year-old man who is the state’s oldest registered sex offender. The man was originally sent to jail for molesting a 63-year-old boy.

General Mills announced plans to reduce the amount of sugar in Lucky Charms cereal. They made the decision after Lucky the Leprechaun lost his foot to diabetes.

A company is selling a new device called the Text Hook, which lets parents strap phones to the bars of their strollers so they can text and e-mail while walking their children — into traffic.

Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, the federal government announced it will pay $3.4 billion to settle Indian trust funds back to 1887. Here now with a unique comic take on the agreement, is Native American comedian Billy Smith.

Billy Smith: Greetings. It is good to be in New York City, the land of square mountains.

Seth Meyers: So, Billy, how do you feel about the settlement?

Billy Smith: I am very happy about this $3.4 billion. Once it has been divided amongst the native american nations, we are all to get a check for $1,000. $1,000? These days, it is not even enough to by a kawahugajusi! [ light laughter ] Kawahugajusi is the yellow resin extracted from the great birch tree. Yellow resin… the great birch tree. It’s gone up in price, is the joke there.

Seth Meyers: I see… I see. Very funny.

Billy Smith: So! Is anyone here married? yes, marriage is difficult. My wife, she said I need to lose weight. I say to her, “If you want me to lose my appetite, just keep preparing more of your watakiputihiti!”

Seth Meyers: [ confused ] What?

Billy Smith: Watakiputihiti — it is a meal made with corn mash and rabbit lips. Corn mash and rabbit — not very tasty. What else? Oh, yes! Money is very tight these days on the reservation. Instead of wearing hand-me-downs, my daughter has to wear handpackanayuta! [ he jumps in Seth’s face ] Handpackanayuta — those are snow shoes made from the quills of a porcupine. [ he laughs ] Not comfortable. Porcupine quills. They exist, by the way. By the way, these joke, they kill on the reservation!

Seth Meyers: I’m sure they do.

Billy Smith: They’re on the floor. What else? What else? What else? Oh, yes. I see this new movie, “Avatar”, is coming out. Did you see that, sir?

Seth Meyers: I did! I did do that!

Billy Smith: Is it me, or is the size of soft drinks becoming too large at the concession stand? I mean, what do I look like, a wahatayuiwaha? [ he holds an open-mouthed pose ] You don’t know the reference, do you?

Seth Meyers: No…

Billy Smith: The swollen gullet of a skunk.

Seth Meyers: Ah!

Billy Smith: A play on words. Well, uh — that’s my time, I’m getting the flame.

Seth Meyers: You’re getting the flame!

Billy Smith: On behalf of all my people, I say to you all: Wakatungamakatingagi!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that sounds beautiful. What does that mean?

Billy Smith: That means I will be performing at the Mohegan Sun, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday! Come on down!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s good. Billy Smith, everybody!

An Amish man in Pennsylvania was arrested Friday for driving his buggy while drunk. Police decided to pull him over when they noticed he was weaving. [ image reveals Amish man with quilt ] He’s literally weaving.

A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air.

Researchers, using hidden cameras to study what cats do when they’re home alone, say they spend 22% of their time looking out of windows and 6% sleeping. The rest of the time they’re trying on your clothes and checking your e-mail.

A German man was arrested this week while trying to leave New Zealand with 23 geckos hidden in his underwear. Security guards became suspicious when the man’s underwear told them that ten minutes could save them 10% or more on car insurance.

Gisele Bundchen, on Tuesday, gave birth to a son with husband Tom Brady. And, as always, Randy Moss was there to make the catch.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

December 19th, 2009

James Franco

Muse

None

Mike Tyson

Jack McBrayer

None

The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Rico Garlando (James Franco) enjoys singing and dancing with musical sisters (Abby Elliott, Jenny Slate, Nasim Pedrad), but is grossed out by their tiny-handed sister Judice (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk.

Montage

James Franco’s MonologueSummary: James Franco comments on the backwards direction his acting career has taken.

Transcript

What Up With ThatSummary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Jack McBrayer, Mike Tyson, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole.

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, James Franco) still greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses.

Recurring Characters: Vogelchecks.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal with Taylor Lautner.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Kids (Nasim Pedrad, Andy Samberg, Jenny slate, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) on “The Tizzle Wizzle Show” play with knives and take pills with confused guest star James Franco.

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) walks guest Angie (Jenny Slate) through her boyfriend (James Franco) crisis with endless Spanish dancing.

Transcript

Muse performs “Uprising”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Bobby Moynihan) comments on the shenanigans of M-TV reality show “Jersey Shore”. Unprepared Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) sing Christmas songs as though they were making them up on the spot.

Sigma Lambda OmegaSummary: Upon pledging the Sigma Lambda Omega fraternity, freshman initiate (Andy Samberg) realizes that the house brothers (Jason Sudeikis, James Franco, Bobby Moynihan) are illiterate and lacking in basic educational skills.

Transcript

Variety VaultSummary: Vincent Price (Bill Hader) attempts to play Secret Santa with Katherine Hepburn (Kristen Wiig), James Dean (James Franco) and Liberace (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Liberace, Katherine Hepburn.

Transcript

Christmas TreesSummary: Christmas tree salesman (James Franco) severs the emotional ties with his merchandise upon each sale.

Muse performs “Starlight”

Christmas Gift MeetingSummary: Business executives Carl (Will Forte), Jerry (Bill Hader), and Troy (James Franco) strain their brains to figure out what gift to give their employees other than dildoes.

Recurring Characters: Carl, Jerry.

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Christmas AnimalsSummary: Mark Wahlberg (Andy Samberg) talks to Christmas animals and a snowman.

Recurring Characters: Mark Wahlberg.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Joseph LiebermanSummary: Joseph Lieberman (Fred Armisen) rejects various offers of food.

Recurring Characters: Joseph Lieberman.

Thomas Peepers InsuranceSummary: Insurance representative (Bill Hader) will keep a watchful eye on your family, night and day.

Note: This commercial parody will air in the next episode, hosted by Charles Barkley.

Song MemoriesSummary: Group of buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Will Forte, James Franco) share stories while listening to “Glory Days”.

Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies.

Baby, It’s Cold OutsideSummary: A couple (Kenan Thompson, Kristen Wiig) sing a Christmas ditty to one another.

The FixerSummary: Joseph Lieberman (Fred Armisen) is called upon to remove a dead hooker from a man’s (Will Forte) bed.

Recurring Characters: Joseph Lieberman.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Traveling with P.J.”: P.J. (Kristen Wiig) travels solo to New York City.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

Goodnights

…..James Franco

James Franco: Thanks to Muse! Mike Tyson! Jack McBrayer! LAST SHOW OF THE DECADE!!! It was so much fun! Thanks to Lorne Michaels!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

James Franco’s Monologue

…..James Franco

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — James Franco!

James Franco: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time. Last time I hosted, I’d just moved to New York and enrolled as a student at Columbia University. I went back to school because I wanted to do something that was intelligently stimulating, and, as you can see from this TMZ photo, it’s really working out. [ reveal photo of Franco asleep in a classroom ]

It’s been an exciting year for me. I was lucky enough to be in a little movie called “Hope’s Promise” [ he indicates for the audience to grant him applause ] I’m just kidding — t’s not a real movie! [ he laughs ] Unlike last year, I don’t have a movie to promote. But “SNL” doesn’t have an election this year, so we’re all getting by with a little less. Of course, there was a time when I was in movies, but then I took a break to go to college. And now I’m on the soap opera “General Hospital”. [ the audience cheers wildly ] I’m not kidding this time — I’m actually on “General Hospital”. I’ve been on it for the last month. Let’s see a clip!

[ cut to clip ]

Maxie Jones: Wow, you really know how to charm the pants off of a girl.

Franco: Your pants are already halfway down your thighs.

[ return to Franco, smiling ]

James Franco: That’s real, I might add!

A lot of people say being on “General Hospital” is a major step backwards, career-wise. You know… people like my family, my agent, the other people on “General Hospital”. But there’s a logic to it. You see, every move I make in my career is part of a strategy I have. [ he looks off-stage ] Could you bring out the bin?

[ a raffle bin, filled with slips, is wheeled in ]

This bin is filled with idea slips that people give me throughout the year when I ask them for career advice. Every year I pick a few idea slips, and then do whatever they say. Like last year, they told me to be on “General Hospital”. Now we’re almost at the new year, so let’s see what 2010 has in store for James Franco!

[ he spins the wheel and pulls out a slip ]

Oh! “Play a dead body on Law and Order.” Well, it’s another step backward… but, it’s in the idea bin, so I guess I’m gonna do it. You see how it works? Okay. Next.

[ he reaches in and pulls out another slip ]

Oh! “Do another Spider-man movie.” Ah! You see, sometimes there are good ones.

[ he reaches in yet again ]

Mmm! “Pick a town in the midwest and have sex with every woman in it.” [ he crumples it up ] I did that one last year! Hagensville, Kansas — what’s up?

[ he reaches in one last time ]

Okay, okay, one more. One more BIG one. Here we go. [ he clears his throat ] This is interesting: Make this the best “SNL” christmas show of all time! [ the audience cheers ] Not a chance!

we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Muse is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

The Manuel Ortiz Show

Manuel Ortiz….Fred Armisen
Angie Cruz….Jenny Slate
Lou Gonzalez….James Franco
Leza Dominguez….Kristen Wiig
Ramona Gonzalez….Nasim Pedrad
Lucas Gonzalez….Bobby Moynihan
Miguel….Kenan Thompson

Announcer: You are watching Telecentro TV Dominicana. At 6:00 p.m., a rerun of an old Miss Universe Pageant. Followed by an even older Miss Universe Pageant. But first, The Manuel Ortiz Show.

[Manuel Ortiz Show logo]

[Manuel Ortiz has a blue suit, mustache, sits on a couch in his tv studio]

Manuel Ortiz: Hola and welcome to my show. I am Manuel Ortiz and I am here to help you with whatever it is you’re going through. And if I cannot, I’m very, very sorry. My first guest has concerns about her boyfriend. Please welcome, Angie Cruz.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel gets up and dances with Angie the merengue, couple of steps and whips head to the side for a few seconds. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Welcome to the show.

Angie Cruz: Gracias, Manuel.

Manuel Ortiz: Talk to me. Your boyfriend, what are your concerns?

Angie Cruz: I’m concerned that my boyfriend is cheating on me.

Manuel Ortiz: And do you have proof of your concerns?

Angie Cruz: No. I do not.

Manuel Ortiz: Well, why don’t we bring out your boyfriend, Lou Gonzalez.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie and Lou dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whip head to the side for a few seconds. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Lou Gonzalez, do you know why you are here?

Lou Gonzalez: No, no! Maybe. No.

Manuel Ortiz: Perhaps this will help you understand. Let’s bring out your co-worker, Leza Dominguez.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie, Lou and Leza dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Leza, is there anything you need to say to anyone here?

Leza Dominguez: Yes. Do you remember the night your boyfriend went out for arroz con pollo?

Angie Cruz: Yes.

Leza Dominguez: He was con me.

Angie Cruz: You lied to me! How could you do this?!

Lou Gonzalez: I didn’t lie! I went out for arroz con pollo, I just didn’t tell you what happened after.

Leza Dominguez: This is too much for me. I’ve hurt too many people. I’m sorry Manuel. I have to go.

[Merengue music plays]

[Leza leaves, Manuel, Angie and Lou dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: And Angie, how do you feel?

Angie Cruz: Disappointed. I feel disappointed.

Manuel Ortiz: [to Lou] Do you know who else is disappointed? Your mother and father. Let’s bring them out, Ramona and Lucas Gonzalez.

[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Angie, Lou and his parents Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. Couple of steps , whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: So, what do you think of your son’s behavior?

Ramona Gonzalez: [out of breath] I need…I can’t catch my breath! Ay!

Manuel Ortiz: Ok. What about you?

Lucas Gonzalez: Oh, one second. [puffing] Ay, my side hurts!

Manuel Ortiz: Maybe you need some water. Miguel, get the Gonzales some water please.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie, Lou and Lou’s parents Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. They are joined by Miguel holding two glasses of water. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops]

Miguel: Is the tap water ok?

Lucas Gonzalez: This is from the faucet?

Miguel: Yes.

Lucas Gonzalez: Do you have the bottled water?

Miguel: Do we?

Manuel Ortiz: I think we do.

Miguel: I’ll be right back.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie, Lou, Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. Miguel dances as he goes for bottled water. Couple of steps and whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: I’ve been told that we need to go to commercial. Hopefully when we return Miguel will find the Gonzalez’s some Poland Spring. And we’ll be to help Angie and her boyfriend mend their relationship. If not, I’m very, very sorry.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie, Lou and his parents dance merengue. Miguel appears while dancing merengue with two Poland Springs]

Announcer: Stay tuned. We’ll be right back with more Manuel Ortiz.

[The Manuel Ortiz logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted: by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

Sigma Lambda Omega

James……James Franco
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan

[Intro: a shot of the outside of the Sigma Lambda Omega frat house. Written along the bottom of the screen is “Sigma Lambda Omega – 4:30 PM.”]

[Cut to: inside the frat house, where a pledge is on his knees blindfolded and three frat members are yelling at him.]

Jason: On your knees pledge!

James: Take off that blindfold!

Bobby: Yeah, welcome to hell week!

Andy: Guys, I really gotta go study for a final.

Bobby: Sigmas don’t study, frosh!

Jason: Yeah! Now, what does this sweatshirt say?!

Andy: Sigma Lambda Omega!

[Bobby holds up a paddle.]

Bobby: And what does this paddle say?

Andy: Brotherhood is strength!

[James hands Andy a pamphlet.]

James: And what does this say?

Andy: Uh..this is some kind of menu.

James: Okay! [He hands Andy a piece of paper.] What about this?! What does this say?!

Jason: Read it!

Andy: Uh…this is a water bill.

Bobby: What does it say?!

Andy: Uh…it says you owe the company $42 and you already have 300.

Jason: Put those together!

Bobby: So it becomes one number!

[Andy looks confused]

Andy: You mean add them? It’s $342.

James: All right. Now do this one! [He hands Andy another piece of paper.]

Jason: Do it!

Bobby: What does it say?!

Andy: All right. Uh…it’s a letter from your mom. [Andy stands up.] It says “Dear, Travis. I’m starting to suspect you cannot read. Please come home.”

Jason, James, and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees!

Andy: So wait….what are your guys’ majors?

Bobby: Sigmas don’t have majors. The only class we take is “Kicking Ass 101.”

James: Yeah.

Jason: Yeah! Guess what you get to do ’cause you got such a smart mouth?! You gotta crawl over here and you gotta tie my shoe.

James: But, that’s not all! You can explain what you’re doing as you do it.

Jason: Yeah.

Bobby: Yeah! [Pointing to Jason’s shoe.] Explain how you do it!

Jason: Yeah, do it and explain it at the same time now!

[Andy shuffles over to Jason on his knees.]

Andy: Okay, okay. [He takes Jason’s shoelaces.] So I take this lace and cross it with this lace.

Jason: Yeah, slower freshman! And do it again!

Andy: Alright, so you take the left loop –

James: Left! Oh, so you need to know right and left stuff?

Andy: Oh wow…

Jason, James and Bobby: Get on your knees, pledge! On your knees!

Andy: I’m on my knees.

Jason: Good, ’cause it’s time for a pop quiz!

Bobby: Yeah, get it right [he smacks the paddle] or pay the price!

[All three get real close to Andy.]

James: A baby’s inside a mommy’s tummy –

Jason: That’s right.

James: – and then, all of a sudden, the baby’s at home. Explain that.

[Andy wipes away saliva from the right side of his cheek as the audience laughs.]

Andy: Well, uh, the mommy goes to the hospital and goes into labor, which means she’s dilated, okay?

[The three frat members look confused.]

Andy: You know, uh, a stork brings the baby to mommy.

Jason, James and Bobby: Yeah, yeah.

Bobby: I like that one!

James: Good answer.

Andy: Aww, it must be hard for you guys –

Bobby: [with fist clenched] The only thing that’s hard is this punch I can do.

Andy: Aww.

Jason, James and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees, pledge!

Jason: [grabbing a can] Yeah, you gotta chug this beer now!

[Jason gives the can to Andy.]

Andy: This is not a beer.

[The three frat members look confused.]

James: What does it say?

Andy: [looking at the can] Diet Coke.

James: I thought it said Lite Beer!

Bobby: Yeah! It’s Lite Beer because it’s four letters, a space, and then four letters.

Jason: Yeah, four space four!

Andy: Okay, okay. But there are all different kinds of letters.

Jason: You…you…

[The three are confused yet again.]

Bobby: But…

Jason: How the…

Andy: You know what guys, I’m gonna head out. I don’t really want to pledge this frat anymore.

[The three look annoyed.]

James: There’s only one way to get out of here in one piece. THE GAUNTLET!

Andy: What’s that?

Jason: You gotta answer like a bunch of questions that we have! [He points to his buddies.]

Andy: Okay, go ahead.

James: When the TV stops, where do the tiny people go and are they okay?

Bobby: Yeah, yeah. When thunder happens, who is mad at who?!

James: What’s an Obama?

Jason: What is it?

Andy: All right, that’s a lot of questions, you guys.

Jason: Aww, what’s the matter? Did we scare the little baby?

James: Yeah, you wanna go back to your stork?

Jason: Yeah, from earlier.

[James and Jason high five each other.]

[Andy is smiling and shaking his head.]

Andy: Um…okay, okay. I’ll answer your questions. It might take a little while though.

James: Well, um, should we get on our knees?

Andy: Yes, that’d be great.

[Andy walks over to the couch and sits down as the three frat members kneel down in front of him.]

Andy: Okay, first off, the little TV people are just fine…

Jason, James and Bobby: Ah yeah!

[The outside of the frat house is shown again.]

[Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts