Category: 2009

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Vogelchecks

Ronny…..Bobby Moynihan
Shelley…..Jenny Slate
Mrs. Vogelcheck…..Kristen Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck…..Fred Armisen
Dwayne…..Bill Hader
Old Man…..Kenan Thompson
Father Yankovic…..Zach Galifianakis
Old Lady…..Abby Elliott
Great Grand Father Vogelcheck…..Will Forte

[Scenes open to the exterior of a funeral house with 2 black limos and a hurs parked in the front]

Ronny: Ah Shelley Thank you for traveling with me to my Great Grand father’s funeral.

Shelley: Are you kidding? You’re my Guy. I want to be with you… the good times and the bad.

[Ronny laughs]

Ronny: Well i guess one good thing to come out of this is that you’ll get to meet the whole family but i should probably tell you my family is pretty close.

Shelley: Ok.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ronny!

Ronny: Oh hi mom!

Mrs. Vogelcheck: It’s so good to see you!

[Mrs. Vogelcheck walks up to Ronny and extends her arm to give Ronny a kiss on the right cheek.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Look at you all sharp.

[Mrs. Vogelcheck leans in and keeps giving Ronny a kiss after each word she says.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: In your suite (Kiss on the cheek). I’m so glad (Kiss on the cheek). That you can (Kiss on the cheek). Make it to the service.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey There. You look like my son Ronny.

Ronny: Hey Dad

[Both Ronny and Mr. Vogelcheck chuckle]

Ronny: I’m sorry about grand pa Vogelcheck.

Mr. Vogelcheck: That’s ok he lived a full life.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: He’s in a much better place

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: I’m just happy (Kisses Ronny on the cheek). That we can all (Kiss on the cheek). Be together (Kiss on the cheek).

[Camera cuts back to Shelley with a look of disgust on her face. She seems very uncomfortable.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Don’t you forget. Your great grand father loved you.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Loved You

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Do you understand that?

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You’re a man.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: He loved you

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: He loved you

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth twice.]

Ronny: Mom, Dad this is Shelley the girl i told you about.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Miss Shelley, thank You for being here.

[Mr. Vogelcheck takes a bow]

Shelley: I’m… I’m so sorry for your loss.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Ah! I appreciate that but we have a saying in the Volgelcheck family: “Never says you’re sorry and never admit your wrong”

[Everybody nods in agreement.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Ronny we’ll be here for a little bit and then proceed with the service.

Mr. Vogelcheck: My beautiful wife she has handle all the details this week. You know who you are? your my rock.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh Hunny!

Mr. Vogelcheck: you are my rock.

[Mr. Vogelcheck and mother move in and put there lips together and make multiple “nums” sounds]

[Mrs. Vogelcheck sticks out her tongue and Mr. Vogelcheck puts his mouth over her entire tongue]

[Camera cuts to Shelley and Ronny. Shelley is in disgust but Ronny is flattered by the love his parents are showing]

[Dwayne comes threw the doors behind Shelley and Ronny]

Dwayne: Hey! You got Humpty Dumpty in here.

[Dwayne grabs Ronny by the shoulders.]

Ronny: Oh hey Dwayne.

Dwayne: Ah dating a new girlfriend but you used to play with dolls?

Ronny: Oh Come on man.

[Shelley Ronny and Dwaine chuckle]

Dwayne: I’m just trying to light the mood. Hey come here.

[Dwayne leans in and starts to make out with Ronny. Shelley tries to look away from both men kissing. Ronny attempt several times to put his hand on Dwayne’s face while they kiss but Dwayne pulls his hand down. Dwayne puts his hand on Ronny’s breasts.]

Dwayne: Alright!

Ronny: Dwayne!

[Dwayne and Ronny both chuckle]

Dwayne: Hey Pop!

[Dwayne reaches down and grabs Mr. Vogelcheck groin]

Dwayne: Ma!

[Dwayne reaches over and grabs Mrs. Vogelcheck breasts]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Dwayne thank you for picking up all the cold cuts

Dwayne: Ah don’t mention it. It’s just a bunch of turkeys roll up into little shapes. You know?

[An old man enters the room]

Old Man: Excuse me! Is this the service for Arthur Monroe?

Mr. Vogelcheck: I’m… I’m sorry this is the wrong room.

Old Man: Oh! Well.. Thank you kindly

[Old man leans over and kisses Mr. Vogelcheck on the mouth and leaves the room]

[Camera cuts to Shelley and Ronny. Shelley is shocked to see both the old man and Mr. Vogelcheck kissing]

Mrs. Vogelcheck V/O: Come on let’s take a load off.

[Mrs. Vogelcheck leads Shelley and Ronny to take a seat close to the casket.]

[Dwayne stands beside Mr. Vogelcheck]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You look great.

Dwayne: Ah!

Mr. Vogelcheck: you look really great

Dwayne: Thanks

Mr. Vogelcheck: You look really really great

Dwayne: Ya Thanks. Look!

[Father Yankovic enters the room.]

Father Yankovic: Hello Volgelchecks.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Father Yankovic

Father Yankovic: Please know that grand father Volgelcheck is at peace.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Thank You (in a sad tone)

[Father Yankovic grabs Mr. Volgelcheck behind the head and dips him. He starts to make out with Mr. Volgelcheck. After a while Father Yankovic brings Mr. Volgelcheck back to his feet]

Father Yankovic: Dwayne i have not seen you in service in a while

Dwayne: Hey Father i don’t mean disrespect.

Mr. Vogelcheck: You listen to this man he is very religious

Father Yankovic: Thank You

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Father Yankovic: I respect you.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You’re a wise man

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You’re a smart man

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: An a good one.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: It’s ok

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: I don’t mind

[Camera pans out and sees Father Yankovic and Mr. Volgelcheck kissing in the background. Shelley and Mrs. Volgecheck are sitting on chairs just in front of both men kissing. Shelley is repulsed and disturbed by the reaction between both men.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Shelley please feel free to grab something to eat. I’m sure your hungry after that flight.

Shelley: Thanks Mrs. Volgelcheck i think i might… eh…. grab some coffee.

[Father Yankovic and Mr. Volgelcheck are still kissing in the back ground]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh ok. If you need any cream let me know. I’m still lactating after all these years.

[Camera cuts to an old lady walking into the room holding a small Pug]

Old Lady: Is this the service for Arthur Monroe?

Dwayne: Oh sorry wrong room.

Old Lady: Oh Thank You

Dwayne: My pleasure.

[Dwayne leans over and kisses the Old Lady on the mouth. Dwayne bends down and starts to kiss the dog in the Old Lady’s arms. The dog starts to lick Dwayne’s mouth. Dwayne then sticks out his tongue and starts to lick and French kiss the dog’s tongue. The dog continues to lick Dwayne’s tongues. Dwayne raises and pats the old lady on the shoulder. The Old lady then walks out of the room.]

[Camera cuts back Shelley, Father Yankovic, Mr and Mrs Volgelcheck. Mr. Volgelcheck and Father Yankovic have stopped kissing. ]

Shelley: You know what? Ronny! I think i should go outside and let you guys grieve as a family. I

[Camera pans out and we can see the entire family]

Ronny: No babe you don’t have to.

Shelley: No i understand

Mr Vogelcheck: HOLD ON! Hold on! I think I know what’s going on here. I think Shelley here might be a little uncomfortable with all this… affection.

[Mr. Volgelcheck walks over to the open casket where Great Grand Father Volgelcheck is laying.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: I’m going to tell you a little story. See this man here. This is my Grand Father. Grand Popo Volgelcheck. For 90 years he worked in a bakery making sweet little cookies to support his family. Every night he would come home and smootch his family. So we knew we were loved. We’re a close family. What can i say? I guess were all a little…. Volgolchecks.

[Camera cuts to Father Yankovic]

Father Yankovic: That was beautiful.

[Camera cuts back to Mr. Volgelcheck beside the casket.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Good night sweet Prince.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and starts to like the bald head of Great Grand Father Volgelcheck. Mr Volgelcheck continues to lick the top of Great Grand Father Volgelcheck head and starts to move down on Great Grand Father Volgelcheck face till he reaches his mouth. Great Grand Father Volgelcheck opens his mouth and starts to French kiss Mr. Volgelcheck. Great Grand Father Volgelcheck puts his hands on Mr. Volgelcheck’s head.]

[Camera cuts to the entire family watching Mr Volgelcheck make out with Great Grand Father Volgelcheck. The family nods with delight on the affection Mr. Volgelcheck is giving Great Grand Father Volgelcheck.]

Shelley: Ya now this is a family.

[Shelley leans over and kisses Ronny. Shelley then leans over and kisses Mrs. Volgelcheck. Everybody starts to kiss among themselves.]

[Fade to Black]

Transcript by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Zack Galafianakis’ Monologue

…..Zack Galafianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Stop clapping. Stop clapping! [ he claps for himself as well ] It’s, uh — it’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. [ the audience laughs ] Oh. What’s that? I’ve never hosted? [ he scratches his head, thinking ] I hosted something once. I can’t remember.

Anyway, uh — I was in my dressing room tonight before the show, Fabrezing my beard. And I, uh — I also was, uh, you know — [ he mimes smoking a joint ] Putting on chap stick daintily. And the stylist here at “Saturday Night Live”, she said, “Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?” And I said, “Well, just give me the Lighthouse Attendant. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me the Homeless Professor. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me Marijuana santa Claus. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me Vice President of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me someone who looks like they write on Alpaca message boards. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man.”

I live in Brooklyn, and, uh — [ the audience cheers ] I hate it. [ the audience laughs ] I live in a really kind of hip neighborhood, and there’s a lots of too cool for school types. You know, these skinny kids with their skinny jeans? The subway is often late. Everybody is just too cool for school. Everytime I’m on the subway platform, and I finally see the light for the train coming down the tunnel, it takes everything in my body not to yell out: “Hey, everybody! Here comes the choo-choo! Hey, everybody! Here comes the choo-choo!”

Now, um, I’m going to go to the piano and talk about myself. [ he sits in front of the piano ] I really don’t know what I’m doing here! I don’t know what I’m talking aboot. Excuse me — I’ve been in canada, opening up for Miles Davis — [ correcting himself ] Kilometers Davis.

I like dark comedies. That’s why I like the Wayans Brothers.

My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. She’s writing a book about contemporary feminist theory. She let me read the manuscript and I got to say: It’s pretty good for a girl.

I went to my school reunion not too long ago, and it was very weird — because I was home schooled. Just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. Why I rented that limousine, I have no idea.

This woman said to me the other day, “Zach, I like your beard,” and I said, “Look, I’m Greek. This isn’t a beard. This is part of my eyebrow.

[ he turns to the band ] Are you guys just gonna sit there? I thought we were gonna rehearse something. [ the band plays in ] There we go.

Sometimes I’ll do something and I say to myself, “That is so Raven.” And then, other times I’ll do something and I’ll be like, “That was not very Raven.”

If you read my blog, you know I’m a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I’ve been trying to quit drinking. The other day I drank a 12-pack of O’Doul’s, and I went riding around in my car and I got pulled over by a cop. He’s like, “Son, have you been drinking?” And I’m like, “Uh, sort of.” he said, “What have you been drinking?” and I said “O’Doul’s, nonalcoholic beer.” And he wrote me a ticket for being a gaylord.

I was reading on CNN.com today, before the show. You know that kid who had sex with his high school teacher about a year ago? I read online today that that kid died, today. He died of high-fiving. He was in a high-fiving accident.

We have a great show for you tonight. Hoobastank is here! [ he looks off-screen ] No? Who is it? Vampire weekend is here! Stick around!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Health Care Reform

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Harry Reid…..Will Forte
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer…..Jim Downey

FADE IN:

[ CSPAN TITLE CARD – PRESIDENT OBAMA SPEAKS ON HEALTH CARE REFORM ]

Announcer: Next on CSPAN, earlier today, President Obama addressed ameeting of the American Nursing Association, where he spoke about healthcare reform.

[ INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY ]

[ PRESIDENT OBAMA, Senate Majority Leader HARRY REID and House SpeakerNANCY PELOSI stand at a podium. American flags drape the backdrop andseveral cameras flash. ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good afternoon. Nearly 16years ago, in 1993 and 1994, a newly elected Democratic President, BillClinton, working with both Democratic majorities in the House and Senate,attempted to pass the first health care reform in a generation.

Predictably, the forces of the status quo went into action. The bill wasattacked relentlessly. Unfairly distorted and so unfairly popular — itwas finally abandoned. That fall of 1994, the Democratic Speaker of theHouse was defeated in his own district and the Republicans took over bothhouses of Congress.

I am here today joined by House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority LeaderReid to tell the American people, “This is not going to happen again!”Now, polls may show the health care bill currently before Congress issurprisingly unpopular.

Nancy Pelosi: They really don’t like it.

Harry Reid: I thought it would be much more unpopular. I mean, more popular, excuse me.

Nancy Pelosi: I was stumped.

President Barack Obama: All the same. It is not going to be abandoned. It is a goodbill. A good bill, that we have perhaps, have failed to properly explain.Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid have assured me that, unpopular itmay be, in the days ahead, this bill will be passed by both the House andthe Senate and be sent to my desk for its signature.

Finally after decades of effort, we will have real health care reform.Even though I have said it may not be “popular”. Or “viewed favorably byAmericans”. Or “what the people want us to do”. Naturally, the same forcesthat fought reform 16 years ago are back! Trying to convince members ofCongress a vote for this legislation is political suicide.

Now granted this bill is very unpopular, but come on! Does anyoneseriously think Nancy Pelosi could lose in her San Francisco district? Aplace where Republican candidates finish fourth behind professionaldominatrixes. And homeless people! Let’s get real — that’s not gonnahappen.

Now Senator Reid, I’ll admit, is in a different situation. He’s up forre-election this fall in Nevada where health care reform is especiallyunpopular. I’m not sure why, but it is. Really, really unpopular. Angrymob unpopular.

So let’s be frank — Harry Reid could lose this November but let me makesomething clear — I don’t think he will. Or it won’t be because of thisunpopular health care bill. After all, he’s got other problems. Healthcare could poll at 100% and Harry Reid would still have problems.

[ Senator Reid frowns and nods his head out of reluctant unison. ]

President Barack Obama: I think even Harry would agree that he’s not the mosttelegenic or charismatic guy around.

[ The President turns to Speaker Pelosi. ]

President Barack Obama: Am I right about that?

[ Speaker Pelosi nods. ]

President Barack Obama: Plus, he’s been hurt by the other sleazy deals he cut withother senators in order to get health care passed. I mean, you have toadmit, they were sleazy.

Harry Reid: They were, they were…

President Barack Obama: I mean — The Cornhusker Kickback!? It just smelled bad.

Harry Reid: It did, it did…

President Barack Obama: Also, Harry hasn’t been able to spend much time back inNevada campaigning as he’s been working in Washington on this deeplyunpopular health care bill. But that doesn’t help. But I still wouldn’tcount Harry Reid out. He’s a scrapper. Plus, even if he loses, we’ll stillhave enough Democratic senators for a majority. I mean, no offense.

Harry Reid: None taken.

President Barack Obama: I mean, who knows, we might be better off without him! Idon’t know.

Harry Reid: Maybe…

President Barack Obama: But I’ll tell you what! Even with all of Harry’s problems,I’ll bet he makes it. Although you never know — Nevada’s weird. Now Nancyhere, I’m sure of. C’mon! San Francisco!

Nancy Pelosi: I feel pretty good!

President Barack Obama: As for myself, I will unfortunately not be on the ballotthis fall. I wish I could be, because unlike this health care bill, I amreally, really popular.

[ The President chuckles. ]

President Barack Obama: You’ll see what I mean in 2012… Thank you and “Live, fromNew York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Pageant Talk

Gene Shemp….Zack Galafiniakis
Wanda Gail Shemp….Jenny Slate
Lydia Shemp….Kristen Wiig
Leland Lee Lind….Bill Hader

[Opens in a tacky pageant looking talk show. Gene sings with his white tuxedo, puffed up hairdo, mustache. His daughter dressed like a Miss Teen contestant, tiara et cetera]

Caption: Pageant Talk

Gene Shemp: [sings] Catch a star and watch a star here on “Pageant Talk” with Gene.

Wanda Gail Shemp: And Wanda Gail Shee-e-e-emp!

[song ends, they sit]

Gene Shemp:[loud, gay] I wrote that song and thank you so much. Hi, I’m Gene Shemp and this is my beautiful daughter, 3-time winner Miss Teen Gulf Coast, Wanda Gail Shemp!

Wanda Gail Shemp: Hi, I’m Wanda Gail Shemp.

Lydia Shemp: [miserable woman smoking, bag of Cheetos] What the hell? Ain’t nobody gonna introduce me?

Gene Shemp: [not thrilled] Sorry, here’s my wife of thirteen long years, Lydia Shemp.

Lydia Shemp: Pageants are a waste of money.

Gene Shemp: You are the worst!

Lydia Shemp: You are! You old queen!

Gene Shemp: You hooked up with it! You decided to marry it! I told you I wasn’t into it! You said it didn’t matter!

Lydia Shemp: It does matters to me!

Gene Shemp: Oh, why don’t you just smoke more!

[Lydia throws an used ashtray at Gene]

Wanda Gail Shemp: [Gene mimics silently Wanda’s every word] I believe….I believe in life everyone should follow their dreams.

Gene Shemp: Well, I’m chomping at the bits to see who our first guest is! He is a pageant coordinator for most of the pageants on the southeast! Leland Lee Lind!

[Leland comes out and does a swishy little dance, sits next to Lydia]

Leland Lee Lind: Hi y’all. Thanks for having me. I can’t talk a lot today cause I was screaming all last night.

Gene Shemp: [laughing] You’re nasty! And you are wearing the hell outta those acid wash jeans! The hell outta them!

Lydia Shemp: Why don’t you marry those acid wash jeans if you love ’em so much? Hey, don’t worry acid wash jeans, he’ll never touch ya’.

Gene Shemp: I resent that. I resent everything you just said.

Leland Lee Lind: Who is this woman?

Gene Shemp: My wife.

Leland Lee Lind: [supergay] Wha-a-a-at?!

Wanda Gail Shemp: So Leland….[Lydia throws another ashtray at Gene] So Leland, what’s out in pageants this year? Thank you.

Leland Lee Lind: Up do poofs.

Gene Shemp: OH, I’VE SAID IT MYSELF LAST YEAR! IF I SEE ONE MORE UP DO POOF I’LL HAVE TO GET MYSELF DOWN ON A HOT SHOWER!!

Leland Lee Lind: O-M-G! Way too much info, Ge-e-e-ene.

Gene Shemp: Sorry about all the smoke.

Lydia Shemp: I assume you’re talking about me? Just let me smoke. It is my only joy in life.

Gene Shemp: You are the worst! You smell like a bunch of stinky old Bojangles Bah–[Zack starts cracking up] sausage biscuits!

[Everyone holds laughter in the cast]

[Lydia throws ashtray at Gene]

Lydia Shemp: I’m gonna be in the car-truck. I need some fresh air. I’m going to go outside and smoke. [leaves]

Wanda Gail Shemp: [ again Gene mouthing every word Wanda says] Well, thank you so much for joining us on “Pageant Talk”. And remember, keep reaching for the stars because stars don’t have arms to reach for you.

Gene Shemp: I wrote all that beautiful stuff about the stars!

Wanda Gail Shemp: I love you daddy, thank you.

Gene Shemp: You’re welcome and good night!

Pageant Talk logo.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Zach Drops By The Set

…..Brian Williams
…..Zack Galafiankis
…..Dr. Mahmet Oz
…..Jeremy Sisto
…..Anthony Anderson

[ title card: “Zach Drops By The Set”, over cheery piano music ]

[ dissolve to NBC Nightly News montage ]

Announcer: This is “NBC Nightly News” with Brian Williams.

[ dissolve to Brian Williams ]

Brian Williams: Coming up tonight on the broadcast, as we wind down another week, Senator John McCain tries to refire his political hopes in his home state of Arizona. While he was the GOP standard bearer last time around —

[ Zach Galifianakis appears in the window behind Williams ]

Brian Williams: He suddenly finds himself with a viable primary challenge in Arizona —

[ cut to “Showtime at the Apollo” ]

Announcer: “Showtime at the Apollo!”

Comedian: See, real hos still got the slave voice! “I don’t know, Sugar!”

[ reveal Black woman cracking up in the audience, with Zach seated between them, somewhat uncomfortable at having been caught on camera ]

[ cut to “The Dr. Oz Show” ]

Dr. Oz: [ demonstrating ] The deal is to appreciate what happens if you grow more of this fat. Because this is the right amount to have in your belly. Remember: it’s not the fat in your thighs and your ass that hurts you, it’s — [ Zach lifts his shirt ] Yeah, that’s it. That’s the fat.

[ cut to “30 Rock” ]

[ Jane Krakowski as Jenna approaches Jack McBrayer as Kenneth ]

Jane Krakowski: I you need to distract Tracy for the afternoon, so I can read a script.

Jack McBrayer: Oh, I don’t know. I’d love to, but it just doesn’t feel right.

[ Zach appears at the end of the hall, and makes his way toward the two characters while unwrapping a Werther’s Original ]

Zach Galifianakis: Are you guys doing a TV show or something? [ they stare at him ] I was in a Rascal Flatts video once.

[ cut to a birthday party being recorded on a camcorder, SUPER: “Madison’s 11th Birthday – Nov. 8 2002, 3:38 PM” ]

[ the camera pans among the kids in the living room to reveal Zach seated uncomfortably on the couch ]

Zach Galifianakis: Is this a movie?

Voice: Yeah.

[ cut to “Law & Order” ]

[ SUPER: “Apartment of Carmen Yonks, 183 Lexington Avenue, Saturday March 6” ]

[ dissolve to exterior street scene ]

Landlord: Seemed like a nice enough girl. Always paid her rent on time.

Jeremy Sisto: She ran a high class call girl ring. Did you look the other way in exchange for the services?

[ Zach appears in the background carrying groceries ]

Landlord: No, man. That’s crazy. I ain’t that kind of guy.

[ Zach holds up his cell phone and snaps a picture ]

Jeremy Sisto: Really? You know what? She kept better books than you, pal.

[ Zach dials a number on his cell phone ]

Zach Galifianakis: I’m on the set of “Law & Order” right now. Yeah. They’re talking to a bad guy.

[ the actors turn to look at him ]

Zach Galifianakis: How you doing? Is this part of the show? Freeze! [ into his phone ] Yeah, I’m right here. I’m with them right now. Hold on one second. Hold on one second. [ he hands his phone to Anthony Anderson ] It’s my Aunt Louise.

Anthony Anderson: Alright. Take it back — take it from the top.

Zach Galifianakis: Hey, Anthony! [ he squats and mimes firing a gun ]

[ cut to SNL opening montage, 1983-84 ]

Announcer: It’s “Saturday Night Live”!

[ cut to Robin Williams performing his monologue ]

Robin Williams: You know what I’m saying? Not too many people doing some break-skating, like — ow!! Check it out!

[ cut to a family laughing in the audience, with a bearded little boy in the middle ]

[ SUPER: “Zach Galifianakis: On TV For Over 30 Years” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Mo’Nique…..Kenan Thompson
…..Will Forte

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

During his weekly internet address this morning, President Obama said of health care reform, “I know it’s been a hard and long road to this point, and we are not finished with our journey just yet, but we are close, we are very close.” But, then, in an ominous sign the address ended with this: [ the words “HEALTH CARE” swoop down like the “LOST” titles ] So that can’t be good.

Republicans, this week, accused President Obama of trying to jam health care reform down the throats of the American people. Maybe, maybe not. But at least if it passes, you can get your throat looked at.

Democratic congressman Charles Rangel, this week, stepped down as the head of the House Ways and Means Committee amid a probe of his ethics violation. I have to hand it to Rangel: it’s not often you find somebody in Washington willing to pose for their own political cartoon.

A new report suggests that people may be suffering from hay fever for longer because climate change could be extending pollen season. “Oh, that’s a freaking shame,” said a polar bear standing on an ice cube.

Seth Meyers: The Oscars are tomorrow night, and many experts are predicting a lack of surprises in the acting categories, with the favorites expected to sweep. Here, now, one of those favorites: Mo’Nique.

Mo’Nique: Hello there, Seth! Thank you for having me here with you tonight. I am truly blessed.

Seth Meyers: Oh, well, we’re happy to have you. So, Mo’Nique, you were amazing in “Precious.” And this is very exciting. You won the Golden Globe, the BAFTA, and the SAG Award. Um, are you nervous about tomorrow?

Mo’Nique: Oh, hell, yes, I am, Seth! I am nervous, and if I win, I will not be able to fit my speech into the allotted 45 seconds. That’s like trying to squeeze my luscious body into a Zac Posen tube dress.

Seth Meyers: So, what are you going to do?

Mo’Nique: Well, if you will indulge me, seth, I would like to practice my acceptance speech. Please take a stop watch and time me.

Seth Meyers: Oh, okay. Great. Excellent. So, 45 seconds, Mo’Nique. Here… we… go!

Mo’Nique: [ breathing heavily ] Ooh, yes, yes! Tonight! What a night! Ohhh, it’s all good tonight. Oh, yes. We are her. I want to thank —

Seth Meyers: Time!

Mo’Nique: No!

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Mo’Nique: Oh. That’s bad.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, it’s really bad.

Mo’Nique: Did I thank God?

Seth Meyers: No.

Mo’Nique: Oh. Well, that won’t do, Seth.

Seth Meyers: No.

Mo’Nique: Maybe we could try again.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Maybe just get into it a little faster? I think that would help, you know? Start talking faster.

Mo’Nique: Okay.

Seth Meyers: Okay, so here we go. 45 Seconds. Go!

Mo’Nique: [ breathing heavily, but quickly ] Oh, my goodness! Alright! Yes! Tonight! What a night! Oh, it’s all good tonight. Yes. We are her. Ohhh! I want to thank —

Seth Meyers: Oh, you’re slowing down now.

Mo’Nique: SO many people. I want to start at the bottom and work my way to the top.

Seth Meyers: Oh, I’d start at the top.

Mo’Nique: I want to thank Cece Peanut, ReRe Davis, T.T. Malloy — they’re the real deal, Seth. They’re the people that keep it going!

Seth Meyers: Who are they?

Mo’Nique: Well, one is my first cousin, and the other two are very proud black women I met at a party.

Seth Meyers: You do not have time to thank all these people.

Mo’Nique: Well, I want to thank the key grip, the regular grips… I want to thank the entire electrical department involved in this project. You brought a light to this set that was both spiritual and practical. How much time do I have left, Seth?

Seth Meyers: One second.

Mo’Nique: Oh, and God!

Seth Meyers: Done!

Mo’Nique: Ah, I’m still not quite there, Seth.

Seth Meyers: What are you going to do?

Mo’Nique: Probably just talk for three or four minutes.

Seth Meyers: Well, then, what are you going do when the orchestra plays you off?

Mo’Nique: Seth, I am not one of these skinny white bitches who went to Juilliard or Carnegie Mellons who get scares when I heard violin music! I am a stand-up comedienne. I have played the Apollo, Seth. The Sandman himself couldn’t get me to budge. I am a heavy beautiful black woman. It will take more than a conductor’s baton to get me off the stage. Somebody’s gonna have to get up underneath my juicy behind and PUSH!! Based on a novel by Sapphire. God bless us all!

Seth Meyers: Mo’Nique, everyone! Good luck, you deserve it.

In the latest storyline of “Amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker gets fired from his photography job and becomes unemployed. And, more bad news: the Hulk was downsized.

About 5200 naked people posed for a group photo taken on the steps of the Sydney Opera House this week. In the process, breaking the record for most australian men saying, “That’s not a penis, THIS is a penis!”

Lady Gaga said recently that she is currently single and celibate. Like the saying goes: “A good man is hard to find while you’re wearing a scuba suit made of bone that that’s lit on fire by a team of shirtless male dancers.”

Police in a small town in Texas spent thirty minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [ cue “Yakety Sax”, the closing theme from “The Benny Hill Show” ] Harrowing, harrowing stuff!

A man in Vietnam who set the Guinness world record for having the longest hair, at 22 feet, died this week at the age of 79. Tragically, he was going down an escalator when suddenly, and without warning, he died of cancer.

Seth Meyers: March is National Women’s History Month. Here to comment is our own Will Forte.

Will Forte: Thank you, Seth. Hello. I am here because I could not be more excited about Women’s History Month — or, should I say “Women’s Herstory Month”.

Seth Meyers: Oh.

Will Forte: You see how I just changed the word “History” for the word “Herstory”, Seth?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I-I saw that.

Will Forte: So, uh, to celebrate this great occasion, I did a lot of research and wrote a pretty amazing song about Great Women in Herstory. I did it again. Did you see that?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Will Forte: And this song is SO good, that I’ve been trying to get every high school in America to teach it in class. But it’s been a tough sell because, full disclosure, I’ve been asking them for a lot of money to use it. And they’re being real cheapskates about it. Hey, look — I know that $50,000 per school is a lot of money. But I ask you, you stupid high schools of America: How do you put a price on women’s herstory? Did you see what I did there?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. No, I see it every time.

Will Forte: Okay. Anyway, you be the judge. Here’s the song. It is called “Women’s Herstory: Did You See What I Did?” [ he riffs ] I like to start with a little riffing at the beginning.

Seth Meyers: Sure.

Will Forte: So — and one, two, three, four!

[ singing ]

“Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi, government
Emily Dickinson, books.

Good job, women!
Good job, women!
You should have been paid more money than men.
Good job, women!
Terrific job, women!
Your history is now “herstory” — See what I did there?

Sally Ride, space woman
Mary Tyler Moore threw that hat
Diane Keaton wore a tie like a dude
And Helen Keller said “Waaa!”

Good job, women!
Good job, women!
Enjoy the month of March, ’cause that’s all you get.
Good job, women!
And good song, Will Forte!
What good information that should be taught in school.

High schools of America, what are you thiiiinkiiiing?
Kids should learn about the wife of President Lincoln — I do not know her name.
I’m sorry, this section is kind of a digression
But I just wanted everyone to know what dicks the high schools are being.
But back to women now!

Miss Piggy, talking pig
Betty Crocker, cake
The Snapple Lady was a Snapple salesman
Gandhi is a man, he is not on the list.

Good job, women!
Bad job, high schools!
What a great song, I think it’s worth fifty grand.
Cheap, cheap high schools!
Run by a-holes!
I’m going to start my own school and teach only this song!

You dipstick high school!
You brought this on yourself!
Wait ’til I start my own school and take all of your kids!

Will Forte High School!
Where all of the kids ace the Women’s History portion OF THEIR S.A.T’s!”

Suck it American high schools! You guys are freakin’ herstory — Did you see what I did there?

Seth Meyers: I did! Will Forte, everyone! Thank you!

Will Forte: Thank you.

Seth Meyers: It was announced this week that the cast of “Glee” will embark on a seven day live concert tour this Spring. Said your son who never got the hang of a throwing a spiral.

A Chuck E. Cheese in Harlem, New York has posted a new set of rules that prohibits custimers from wearing gang style apparel and from engaging in gang style conduct. Though, if your gang meets at Chuck E. Cheese, chances are it’s not really a gang.

A company in Australia has created a line of men’s underwear made with banana fibers, which is great as long as you’re cool with the occasional monkey rape.

A man in South Carolina was arrested while high on crack driving a stolen go-cart. Though I’m surprised he was arrested, since a guy smokinh crack and driving a stolen go-cart is the South Carolina state flag.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

What up with That

Diondre Cole…..Kenan Thompson
…..Paul Rudd
…..Frank Rich
Lindsey Buckingham…..Bill Hader
80’s break dancer…..Jason Sudeikis
R.J. Sizzle…..Zach Galifianakis
Saxophone player…..Fred Armisen
Baby Jessica…..Abby Elliott
Announcer/Robot dance…..Will Forte

[Opens with the BET channel Logo with a funky background music.]

[Cuts to a set with 2 backup singers and Paul Rudd, Frank Ritch and Lindsey Buckingham sitting in chairs.]

[Logo of the show appears reading “What up with that?”]

Backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee!

Announcer: It’s “What up with that?”, taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight, actor Paul Rudd. New York Times columnist Frank Ritch and from Fleetwood Mac Lindsey Buckingham. And now here is your host Diondre Coles.

[Diondre Coles runs on stage and starts to dance and sing]

Diondre Cole: I woke up this morning and i got out of bed. Had a big ol cup of coffee to clear my head. Telephone rang and you wanna chat.. well sit on down and tell me what up with that.

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that? Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Diondre Cole: He said, she said, we said, me said. What up with that?

[Breaks into a funky dance move]

Diondre Cole: Who knew, you knew, say what, voodoo. What up with that? What uuuuup with thaaaaaat? Yeeeesssaaah!

[Music stops, backup singers walk off stage and Diondre Coles sits down and puts his mic beside him.]

Diondre Cole: Wellll! Welll! Thank you all for joining us on What up with that. Well tonight… we are going to go deep into some issues. We are going to have a conversation.

[Drum beats starts. Diondre Coles feels a song coming on]

Diondre Cole: We gonna get some information.

[Piano joins the beat and Diondre Coles starts to sing]

Diondre Cole: It’s gonna be a sensation. We gonna fell an alation.

[Diondre Coles stands up and grabs his mic and start to move towards the camera.]

Diondre Cole: It’s a celebration. It’s gonna get Funky, Cronky,

[Diondre Coles is a few inches from the camera.]

Diondre Cole: Donkey, Sponkey, Chonkey, Junky, Skonkey ,slap a monkey, HELP a monkey, Kiss It.

[Music starts]

[Diondre Coles starts to walk back to the center stage. 3 male dancers join Diondre Coles dancing back towards the center stage]

[Backup singers come back to the stage]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Camera cuts back to the main stage where a Saxophone player and an 80’s break dancer have appeared]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with this.. and what’s up with that?

[Diondre walk to high five the 80’s break dancer, the Saxophone player, Paul Rudd and Frank Rich. Lindsey Buckingham extends his hand for a high five but Diondre Coles walks right by and not giving him a high five.]

Diondre Cole: What’s uuuuuuuuuup. I said What’s uuuuuuuuupppp What is up with that. You know i saw Avatar last week but that blue lady she needs to put on a braaaaa. Yeeeeeess!

[Music stops. Saxophone player, 80’s break dancer and backup singers walk off stage. Diondre Coles walks back to his seat and puts the mic beside him]

Diondre Cole: Oh welllll. That was very nice. Now let’s get down to business. It is wonderful to have actor Paul Rudd here.

Paul Rudd: Thank you. Thank you for having me Diondre.

Diondre Cole: No no no no! Thank You Paul! Now the Oscars are on tomorrow.

Paul Rudd: Yeah Yeah!

Diondre Cole: Now often we will see the Oscar winners use their thank you speech to make some kind of political statement. Now as a performer. Yourself. Do you think that’s appropriate?

Paul Rudd: Ah that’s a great question.Ummm… I think it’s up to the individual

[Drum beat comes back. Paul Rudd looks confused to why the beat is playing]

Paul Rudd: Ummm… I mean you know giving an Oscar speech is a pretty big platform

Diondre Cole (singing): Humongous platform.

[Piano enters to keep the beat with the drum]

Paul Rudd: Ya! Ya! And you know alot of actors have a genuine passion for certain causes.

Diondre Cole (singing): Passionate Action.

Paul Rudd: Ya that’s right they got a… got a passionate action and I think it’s cool that they are talking about things that are important.

Diondre Cole (singing): Talking Important Yeah!

Paul Rudd: (with an annoying tone) Ya ya you got it.

[Diondre Coles grabs the mic and breaks out in song]

Diondre Cole: Yeah I got it baby. Cause i got’s to say….

[Music starts back up. Backup signings, Saxophone player and 80’s break dancer comes back on stage]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Camera cuts to Paul Rudd with a confused look on his face trying to figure out what’s going on.]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Tempo slows down]

Diondre Cole: Ladies and Gentlemen…. Get ready… Cause you are about to experience the world’s greatest… Ambidextrious… Disco Flute playa. Here he is R. J. Sizzle

[Diondre Coles waves over R. J. Sizzle to come on stage]

[R. J. Sizzle dances to the center stage playing 2 flutes at the same time]

[R.J. Sizzle breaks out in a flute solo while switching his hands from one flute to another.]

Diondre Cole: Oh Yeah!. Oh Yeah! That’s it. Woooo! Yeah! Oh Oh. Woohooo.

[R. J. Sizzle moves to the back of the stage beside Paul Rudd.]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that? Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Camera cuts to Paul Rudd with a look of discuss on his face while R. J. sizzle dances and plays the flute only a few inches away.]

Diondre Cole: Ladies and Gentlemen. She was once stuck in a well.

[A man runs on stage dressed in an 80’s style business suite wearing red futuristic sunglasses and doing the Robot dance. He then runs off the stage]

Diondre Cole: But now… She is all grown up… and she ain’t stuck no more. Please welcome. Baby Jessica.

[A stage prop of a well come rolling to center stage and Jessica pops up from inside the well and starts to dance]

Diondre Cole: Go Jessica! Go Jessica! Go Jessica! All Grown up. All Grown Up. You safe. Not Stuck. Outside.. The well. Dance it out. Go Jessica! Fells good. Don’t it girl. Hey Yeah.Here we go.

[Stage props starts to move off camera with Jessica still in the well.]

Diondre Cole: Bye Jessica. Have Fun.

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that? Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Camera cuts to R. J. Sizzle who has his crotch close to Paul Rudd’s face. Paul Rudd is disgusted by the sight.]

Diondre Cole: What’s uuuuuuup. I say what’s uuuuuup. What is up with thaaaaat? What is up with that? What is up with that? What is up that? What is up with that? You know I went to Ikea… but I couldn’t speak none of the language. Yeees!

[Music stops. Backup singers, 80’s break dancer, the Saxophone player and R. J. Sizzle leave the stage. Diondre Coles sits back down in his chair and puts the mic beside him.]

Diondre Cole: Well. Looks like we out of time! Uh… I want to thank my guest the charming Paul Rudd. The sexy and the sinister Frank Ritch and Oh No not again. Oh No Lindsey Buckingham. Man you have been here like 20 times.

[Camera cuts to Lindsey Buckingham very angry]

Diondre Cole: I feel terrible. Lindsey man I made you a promise and I broke it AGAIN! You got to forgive me.

[Lindsey Buckingham nods in disagreement. He starts to stand up and is about to leave]

Diondre Cole: Don’t no don’t go Lindsey. Don’t go now that’s the last time. This will never happen again. Come on man. Eh! let me know we cool Lindsey. Come on now let me know we cool.

[Camera cuts back to Lindsey who nods happily and agrees with Diondre Coles. Lindsey sits back down in his chair.]

Diondre Cole: Ah there we go Lindsey Buckingham. Man you my best friend. Until next time. This is Diondre Coless saying….

[Music starts back up again. Diondre Colss grabs the mic and heads towards center stage.]

[Backup singers, 80’s break dancer, the Saxophone player, R. J. Sizzle all come back on stage.]

Diondre Cole: Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Yeah!

[Jessica, the 3 backup dancers come back on stage. Confetti starts to rain down.]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with thit? Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Man doing the Robot dance comes back on stage. Two men on stilts come dancing in front of the stage.]

[Logo of the show appears reading “What up with that?”]

[Fade]e

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

March 13th, 2010

Jude Law

Pearl Jam

None

None

None


Massa Exit InterviewSummary: Congressman Eric Massa (Bobby Moynihan) recalls gay “snorkeling” adventures while conducting his exit interview from Congress.

Montage

Jude Law’s MonologueSummary: Jude Law outlines the excitement of portraying Hamlet on Broadway.

Transcript

FordSummary: Ford Hybrid’s brakes are as good as other defective brands.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and Vladmir Kuchev (Jude Law) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

Transcript

Broadview SecuritySummary: Homeowner (Nasim Pedrad) is protected no matter what variety of male predator tries to break through her door.

Transcript

SpainSummary: Lusty Spaniard (Jude Law) wants to wine, dine, and kill two attractive Americans (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad), and, best of all, it’s part of the travel experience!

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Julian Casablancas sing about holding up their “Boombox”.

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “Just Breathe”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Whoopi Goldberg (Kenan Thompson) comments on her endorsement of Poise pads. Seth Meyers and Jerry Seinfeld ask “Really!?!” in response to Congressman Eric Massa’s excuses for having gay sex with his staffers.

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg.

The Twilight ZoneSummary: Airplane passenger (Jude Law) when he sees a Thing (Bobby Moynihan) performing wacky tasks on the wing.

Recurring Characters: Rod Serling.

Transcript

Hamlet AuditionsSummary: Jude Law recalls competing for the lead role in Hamlet against Al Pacino (Bill Hader), Nathan Lane (Bobby Moynihan), Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) and Sam Elliott (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Nathan Lane, Al Pacino, Nicolas Cage, Sam Elliott.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground rock festival that features viruses, pitchforks and the late Ass Dan.

Note: Repeat from 09h.

Pearl Jam performs “Unthought Known”

Court StenographerSummary: Court stenographer ELinda Nade (Fred Armisen) insists on being disruptive and looking for her chapstick in the middle of an important trial.

Recurring Characters: Elinda Nade.

Talk Show with RavishSummary: Child prodigy Ravish (Nasim Pedrad) is forced by his dad (Fred Armisen) to host a talk show in their living room.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mondo ButtsSummary: Two guys (Andy Samberg, Jude Law) hosting a show about big butts are attacked by a gorilla that escapes from the zoo.

Naomi CampbellSummary: Naomi Campbell (Kenan Thompson) throws a fit when her limo driver (Bobby Moynihan) arrives late to pick up her and Michael Caine (Jude Law).

Recurring Characters: Michael Caine.

HairheadsSummary: A shopkeeper’s (Jude Law) glass store is destroyed by hairhead creatures.

Hairheads IISummary: A shopkeeper’s (Jude Law) glass store is destroyed anew by baby hairhead creatures.

Hairheads IIISummary: Years later, a shopkeeper’s (Jude Law) glass store is destroyed again by hairhead creatures and their dog.

GraveyardSummary: Spokesman (Bobby Moynihan) advertises headstones for people with severe health problems.

SNL Transcripts

`

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Broadview Security

Single Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
A.J…..Andy Samberg
Spokesman…..Bill Hader
Operator…..Will Forte
Rabbi…..Fred Armsien
k.d. Lang…..Abby Elliott

[ open on a group of people leaving a single woman’s house party ]

Voice: See ya’!

Single Woman: Hey! Thanks again for dropping by my party, A.J.

A.J.: [ awkwardly ] Well… you have my e-mail — uh, if you want to send me that lemon bar recipe.

Single Woman: Cool. See ya’, A.J.

A.J.: Alright, bye.

Single Woman: Bye!

[ she closes her front door, turns on the alarm, and begins to pick up after the party ]

[ suddenly, the door handle jiggles and A.J. comes bursting through the door ]

[ the alarm goes off, as the woman screams ]

[ A.J. flees the scene, as the phone rings ]

Single Woman: Hello?!

Operator: This is Broadview Security. Is everything okay?

Single Woman: A nice guy who was at my party left, and then he broke in, like, twenty seconds later.

Operator: We’re on our way.

[ Spokesman steps in front of the camera ]

Spokesman: Are you a single woman who lives alone in a large, five-person house? Then you need Broadview Security.

[ show chart ]

Spokesman V/O: Studies show that if you’re a lady, most men want to kill you.

[ show computerized demonstration ]

Spokesman V/O: And with Broadview Security, you can have an alarm that makes loud noises, which will make those men run away through the bushes. At the same time, one of our male security professionals in a button-down shirt will be alerted immediately.

Operator: Don’t worry, Ma’am — help is on the way.

Spokesman: And she’ll need it. Because, like most women, she’s under the threat of constant home invasion, from EVERYONE she meets.

[ cut to single woman kissing her grandfather good night ]

Single Woman: Thanks again, Grandpa! I love these Sundays together.

[ cut to Grandpa bursting through the door, as the woman screams ]

Spokesman: It could happen. And so could any of these terrifying scenarios where men kick down your door. Men like:

Your rabbi!

[ the rabbi bursts through the door ]

k.d. Lang!

[ k.d. Lang bursts through the door ]

Or two boys dressed as a man!

[ two boys dressed like a man burst through the door ]

Spokesman: Luckily, none of these things will ever happen — if you get Broadview Security.

[ the spokesman bursts through the door ]

Spokesman: Get it, or get murdered!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Ford

Girl…..Abby Elliott
Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer…..Bill Hader

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST – DAY

[ The camera’s angle’s from a tree top POV. A GUY and GIRL are strolling together, hand in hand. ]

Announcer (V/O): It’s time to get out. See the world from a tree’s point of view. Time to find Mother Nature and shake her hand, and when you travel, you always make sure it’s in harmony with the environment.

[ The couple’s stroll ends at their parked car. Both enter the vehicle. The camera pans down to focus on the car’s model name – PRIUS. ]

INT. TOYOTA PRIUS

[ Both are screaming as the Prius accelerates out of control. The guy applies pressure to the Prius’ brake. No such luck. ]

Guy: I can’t slow down!

Girl: Step on the brakes!!

Guy: The brakes!?!? YOU DON’T THINK I HAVEN’T TRIED THAT!?!?!? Get the police on the phone.

Girl: Fuck! Oh my God!

[ The girl dials her cell frantically. ]

Guy: What the fuck!?

[ She turns to him. ]

Girl: It’s 911. Did you step on the brakes!?

Guy: Shut up, bitch! Gotta slow this motherfucker down!!

[ The girl cries hard. ]

Girl: We’re gonna die!

[ Both scream loud. ]

[ FORD logo against a white background. ]

[ SUPER: WE MAKE HYBRIDS TOO. ]

Announcer (V/O): Ford… we make hybrids too.

EXT. HIGHWAY – NEAR FOREST – DAY

[ The Prius’ high speed goes into slow motion for a moment to show the girl pressed up against the door’s frame, screaming out the window. The Prius resumes its dangerous speed and rockets off into the unknown. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts