Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

Goodnights

…..Emma Stone

Emma Stone: Thank you to Kings of Leon! The cast and crew! Lorne! My family and friends! This is the BEST week of my LIFE — thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium

Ed Vincent…..Paul Brittain
Girl…..Emma Stone

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following is a paid advertisement for Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium” ]

[ cut to close-up of Ed Vincent ]

Ed Vincent: Hello! My name is Ed Vincent, I’m a sex education educator. So you can call me “Sex” Ed — that’s me. “Sex” Ed — that’s me!

[ SUPER: “The following is required by NYSBSH” ]

Ed Vincent: Now, the New York Board of Sexual Health requires me to read the following disclaimer: “Ed Vincent is an amateur sex education enthusiast, whose presentations are for novelty purposes only.” They’re entitled to their opinion —

[ cut to Symposium graphics ]

Ed Vincent V/O: But at Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium — “A frank, no nonsense talk about sex” — you’ll get MY opinion!

[ show footage of the 3 Day Seminar ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Over the course of three days, you’ll be treated to lectures covering a WIDE variety of topics — including Gender Roles, Anatomical Limits, Cyber Sex, and Taboos.

[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]

Ed Vincent: What is abnormal? Right? What is… abnormal sexual behavior? Who decides, you know? [ a woman in the audience jots that information in her notepad ] Uh, who gets to determine, you know, what’s okay, you know, and then what’s weird?

[ cut to another part of the lecture ]

Ed Vincent: Take this fellow right here! What if, uh, you know, he has somebody, you know, pee into a cardboard birthday hat — right? Uh, and then he has them, you know, pour that right down his back… collect that in a second birthday hat — this fellow CLIMAXES because of that. [ the man nods ] Is that weird? Is that… ABNORMAL? Who’s to say?

[ cut to “Day 2” graphic ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Day 2 focuses on Health and Safety, with lectures on: Measuring Consent, Avoiding STD’s: Hetereosexual, and Avoiding STD’S: Homosexual.

[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]

Ed Vincent: We’ve got a couple of fellows — right? — and they’re looking for a safer sex option. Okay, everybody see that? [ he holds two fingers together at a perpendicular angle ] That’s the front of a penis… into the side of a penis. This fellow right here, you’re pushing the front of your penis into a nice… side of a penis! VERY pleasurable. No risks of contracting a gosh-darn thing! Uhhh — this one here, I call the Infinite Swirl. [ he twirls two fingers around one another ] Okay? See that, when you get a side of penis, a side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis! Side of penis, side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis — and on and on and on and on, into INFINITY!

[ cut to “Day 3” graphic ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Day 3 is devoted to Fantasy Role Play Scenarios, including: Sexy Hospital, Sexy Insurance Scam, AND Sexy Robbery.

[ zoom in on the fantasy role play in progress, girl playing robber as Ed Vincent in housecoat portrays the victim ]

Girl: — I said on the floor, lady!

Ed Vincent: [ squatting ] Oh, great! Well, do whatever you want with me — just don’t shoot my brains out.

[ the Girl pauses ]

Ed Vincent: [ to the group ] You see? Now, what’s she gonna do? She starts thinking of something. [ to the girl ] Now what are you gonna do?

Girl: [ thinking ] We could… polish that apple between our butt cheeks…?

Ed Vincent: Without letting it hit the floor?

Girl: Yeah, I don’t know — is that kinky, or is that weird?

Ed Vincent: You tell me — is it?

Girl: Who’s to say.

Ed Vincent: EXACTLY!

Everyone: WHO’S… TO SAY??

[ cut to Ed Vincent passing out star balloons to his group ]

Ed Vincent V/O: So don’t miss “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium, a three-day lecture series coming to the La Quinta Inn in Rochester, New York —

[ cut to Ed Vincent holding his fingers together at a perpendicular angle ]

Ed Vincent: Right at the intersection of Sheridan and Bryan! [ smiling ] This is Sheridan… and that’s Bryan!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

Wrangler Open Fly Jeans

Brett Favre…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Brett Favre staring at the camera ]

Announcer: Brett Favre: football legend.

Brett Favre: I’ve tried all kinds of jeans: button fly, zipper fly — you name it. But, for me, nothing works better than the all new open fly jeans from Wrangler.

[ intercut shots of Favre with a pixelated crotch playing football with a group of guys ]

Announcer: Introducing the first open fly jeans from Wrangler. The first jeans with no fly whatsoever.

Brett Favre: Wrangler open fly jeans feature an ultra-relaxed fit, right where you need it most — the fly. Why let zippers and buttons slow you down? With open fly jeans, it’s always out and camera-ready.

[ Favre takes a cellphone picture fo his exposed crotch and sgows the results to a disgusted teammate ]

[ cut to Favre leaning out of a truck with his pixelated crotch exposed ]

Brett Favre: I’m ready for my close-up.

[ reveal a row of jeans hanging from a rack ]

Brett Favre: They’re the perfect marriage of comfort and style. And that’s a marriage I can respect.

[ cut to Favre leaning behind a teammate for a play; the teammate jumps forward when he feels Favre’s exposed crotch at his backside ]

Brett Favre: Look, I put my pants on just like anyone else — one leg at a time. Then, I pull my penis out. Sometimes I take a picture of it.

[ reveal the row of jeans hanging from a rack ]

Announcer: Real. Open fly. Jeans. Wrangler.

[ cut to Favre standing with his teammates ]

Brett Favre: Take it from me, Brett Favre. I give ’em a thumbs up.

[ Favre shoves his fist through his open fly and gives a slightly pixelated thumbs-up ]

[ the other guys jump to their feet and make a hasty exit ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

WXPD Channel 9 News

Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Peter DeSantos…..Bill Hader
Teenager…..Emma Stone
Panicked Mother…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on news graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD Channel 9 News.

[ dissolve to Wanda Ramirez seated in the news studio ]

Wanda Ramirez: Good evening. I’m Wanda Ramirez, and we begin tonight’s progrm as we do always do — with a story designed to frighten parents.

[ graphic reads: “Dangerous Teenage Fad” ]

Wanda Ramirez: We told you about “sexting”, “huffing”, and “robotripping”, and now there’s yet another dangerous teenage fad. Our own Peter DeSantos has the story.

[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school ]

Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “souping” — teenagers are drinking expired soup cans to get high! Every teenager is doing it, and it WILL kill them!

[ stock footage of teenagers, soup cans, etc. ]

Peter DeSantos V/O: Parents are powerless to protect their teens because, shockingly, soup is legal. We interviewed this teen to get the scoop… on soup!

[ cut to Teenager being interviewed in front of school fence ]

Peter DeSantos: Are you… “souping”?

Teenager: Am I what?

Peter DeSantos: Teenagers are drinking expired soup… to get HIGH!

Teenager: But that wouldn’t get you high. There’s NO way teenagers are doing that.

[ show stock footage ]

Peter DeSantos V/O: But they are! They’re getting whacked out on old soup! And they’re gonna end up… m’mm m’mm, DEAD! Just ask this panicked mother, who we woke up in the middle of the night.

[ cut to panicked mother on her doorstep ]

Panicked Mother: My God! They’re “souping”?! PHIL!! Flush all the Progresso, they’re gonna SOUP it!!

Peter DeSantos: [ with a shit-eating grin ] For WXPD, I’m Peter DeSantos!

[ return to news desk ]

Wanda Ramirez: A VERY informative report about a VERY real thing. For more information about “souping”, go to our web site… and no others. Next up: a story that EVERYONE’S talking about. No, not the midterm elections. But another TERRIFYING teenage trend. Peter DeSantos has the story.

[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school ]

Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “trampolining”! A teen boy sits on the roof of a one-story house, receiving oral sex from a girl jumping up and down on a large backyard trampoline!

[ stock footage of teenagers, trampolines, etc. ]

Peter DeSantos V/O: Sources say that if a girl “trampolines” ten boys, she receives a bracelet… and that’s what silly bands are.

[ cut to Teenager being interviewed in front of school fence ]

Teenager: I’ve NEVER done this. What did you say this was called?

Peter DeSantos: They call it… “trampolining”!

Teenager: I don’t think that’s even physically possible.

Peter DeSantos: But it IS. In fact, WXPD were able to obtain this horrifying photograph.

[ reveal stick drawings of a girl and a boy and a trampoline and a roof ]

[ cut to panicked mother on her doorstep ]

Panicked Mother: My God!! That’s a photograph of my DAUGHTER, and she’s TRAMPOLINING!!

Peter DeSantos: [ with a shit-eating grin ] For WXPD, I’m Peter DeSantos!

[ return to news desk ]

Wanda Ramirez: Thank you, Peter. Before we move on, I’m getting word we have a BREAKING story. We go now to Breaking News correspondent Peter DeSantos!

[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school woth the teenager ]

Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “Skyping”. Two teens jumping out of airplane, attached by their genitals!

Teenager: Oh, man… that is WAY off! Can I please go back to class?

Peter DeSantos: To do “souping”?

Teenager: Wow… wow.

[ the Panicked Mother enters frame ]

Panicked Mother: Young lady! I KNOW what you’ve been doing on that trampoline!

Teenager: Oh. Good. Now I get to deal with this. [ sarcastically ] THANKS, News!

Peter DeSantos: You’re welcome! I’m Peter DeSantos… Jr.!

[ return to news desk ]

Wanda Ramirez: Next up: Are teens taking turns hiding Osama bin Laden… so they can give him oral sex in exchange for lip gloss? The answer… right now. YES! Yes, they are!

[ cut to news graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 30th, 2010

Jon Hamm

Rihanna

None

None

None

A Message from the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) compares the plight of the Chilean miners to the problems facing President Obama.

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Transcript

Montage

Jon Hamm’s MonologueSummary: Jon Hamm proves his worth as an actor portraying n advertising executive on television by creating on-the-fly slogans for random objects chosen by audience members.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Rihanna and Shy Ronnie (Andy Samberg) rob a bank as “Ronnie & Clyde”.

Recurring Characters: Shy Ronnie.

Vincent Price’s Halloween SpecialSummary: Vincent Price’s (Bill Hader) 1960 Halloween special is ruined by Judy Garland’s (Kristen Wiig) drug dependency and sexual innuendos courtesy of Sen. John F. Kennedy (Jon Hamm) and Liberace (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Judy Garland, John F. Kennedy, Liberace.

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray box set features audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino, Eddie Murphy, Jennifer Tilly, Robin Williams.

Transcript

AuditionSummary: While auditioning for a role, Lizette Barnes (Kristen Wiig) lays down her list of ridiculous standards to the production’s director (Jason Sudeikis).

Transcript

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD IISummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray box set features more audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage, Bill Cosby, Gilbert Gottfried, Prince, Pee Wee Herman, Alan Alda, Joan Cusack.

Transcript

Rihanna performs “What’s My Name?”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) gives his crazed thoughts on the upcoming mid-term elections. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are, as usual, unprepared to promote their new Halloween CD.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Garth & Kat.

I Didn’t Ask For ThisSummary: Roger Sims (Bobby Moynihan) interviews others like himself who have gained unintentional fame thanks to embarrassing online clips of themselves.

Transcript

Highway CopsSummary: Highway cops Cutter (Jason Sudeikis) and Randy (Jon Hamm) share one motorcycle and miss their assignments while frolicking in the outdoors.

Transcript

Darleek and BarneySummary: Lounge act Darleek (Kristen Wiig) and Barney (Jon Hamm) have pretend fights and make bad jokes to one’s amusement.

Rihanna performs “Only Girl (In The World)”

Greetings from American America: Dog in PurseSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a male dog (David Spade) in a celebrity’s purse muses about his lot in life.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Essentials with Robert OsborneSummary: TCM host Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents deleted scenes from “The Wizard of Oz” featuring a talking weather vane (Fred Armisen).

Note: This sketch will air during next month’s episode hosted by Anne Hathaway.

Jon Hamm’s CB Hamm RadiosSummary: Jon Hamm promotes the archaic mobile communications devise that almost shares his last name.

CBS PromoSummary: Coming attractions for a week filled with hospital gurneys on CBS’ prime-time dramas.

YelpSummary: Diners (Andy Samberg, Vanessa Baye, Jon Hamm) use cellphone technology to find something to eat that’s already right in front of them.

Greetings from American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a hippie (Danan Carvey) talks further about the good old days.

Trick or Treat IISummary: A registered sex offender (Will Forte) makes a clumsy re-introduction while trick-or-treating at his neighbor’s (Jon Hamm) house.

SNL Transcripts