Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Ask Gloria Allred

Gloria Allred…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: [ over text card ] “The following program is presented by attorney Gloria Allred, and is intended solely for self-promotion.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

Female Announcer: “Ask Gloria Allred”.

[ dissolve to series of still photos ]

Female Announcer: Attorney Gloria Allred is a true legal superstar, recognized the world over for her near round-the-clock television appearances, and is a tireless champion for society’s forgotten victims. From Scott Peterson’s girlfriend, Amber Frey, to Tiger Woods’ mistresses #2, 5, 9, and 11, to a guy in the audience at the Laugh Factory the night Michael Richards used the N-word. Here now, is Gloria Allred.

[ dissolve to Gloria Allred sitting in her office ]

Gloria Allred: Hello, and welcome to this addition of “Ask Gloria Allred”. I’m Gloria Allred. This week, many of you have written or e-mailed to congratulate me on my recent press conference with Nicky Diaz. Nicky is the undocumented worker from Mexico who was employed by Meg Whitman — currently the Republican candidate for governor of California — as a housekeeper. While working for the Whitmans, Nicky suffered continuous emotional abuse and was forced to perform a series of horrendous and degrading tasks, from sorting and washing laundry to vacuuming carpets and dusting venetian blinds, all under the threat that if she did NOT perform these sickening acts they would not pay her. It is a heart-wrenching story, and many of you thanked me for bringing it to the nation’s attention. But some have questions.

For example, Paul from Indianapolis asks: “As her attorney, how could you let Ms. Diaz announce on television that she is in the country illegally? Because of your reckless attention-seeking, won’t she be arrested and deported?”

That’s a good question, Paul. I hadn’t really thought about it. I’m going to recommend that Nicky hire a good immigration lawyer.

Karen from Boston asks: “I saw your latest freak-show press conference with Ms. Diaz, and I have to ask: Is there anything you won’t do to push your butt-ugly mug in front of a camera?”

Another good question, Karen. I have to think about that, but I guess my answer would be “No.”

Steven from New Orleans asks: “Why do you talk so loud? Or does it just seem that way, because your manner is so grating?”

Probably a bit of both, Steven. I’m naturally a very pushy person and find that by talking loudly, people are forced to listen to me, even if they would prefer not to.

Kevin from Fort Collins, Colorado asks: “Tell me, Gloria. Has a more disgusting creature than yourself ever walked the face of the earth?”

Wow! A lot of good questions tonight. I don’t know the answer, Kevin. I suppose, since man in his present form has been around for about 250,000 years, there MUST have been somebody, but I really can’t say for sure.

Denise from Nashville asks: “When you die, Gloria, and you go instantly to Hell, which I think we can all agree will absolutely happen — will you just burn with all the other ambulance-chasers who spent their lives bringing misery into the world, or will there be a special ring or level of Hell just for you?”

Oh my, Denise, that is such a profound question! Who knows? All I can say is I sincerely hope so. That would be nice.

Well, that’s it for tonight’s show! We’ll see you next week. Until then, please pay attention to me, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

The New Boyfriend Talk Show

Zack…..Andy Samberg
Mom…..Jane Lynch
Mike…..Jason Sudeikis
Gene Simmons…..Fred Armisen
Verne Troyer…..Bobby Moynihan
Magic Johnson…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on suburban kitchen beneath title card, Mom cooking in the foreground and Zack seated at the kitchen table ]

Zack: Welcome to “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”! Starring me, Zack, and my sidekick, Mom!

Mom: Hey, Sweetie!

Zack: Hi, Mom! Okay — so, my Mom dates SO many awesome guys! Then, one day I thought, “Hey! Maybe on Sunday when they wake up, I should interview them before they hit the road!” I asked for permission, and she said yes.

Mom: That’s because, no matter who coems out of Mommy’s bedroom, you’re still my Number One Guy! [ she kisses Zack on the head ]

Zack: Awww… awesome! So, Mom, why don’t you tell us about today’s guest?

Mom: Sure. Uh, his name is Mike something… and, uh, he works as a CD organizer at Borders.

Zack: Okay. Very cool! Please welcome Mike!

[ a groggy Mike enters the kitchen, pats Zack on the head and sits ]

Mike: Heeey, little buddy. How you doing?

Zack: Welcome to “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”!

Mike: Yeah… great to be here.

Zack: Okay, first question! I gotta ask — it’s on everybody’s mind: “Are you my new dad?”

Mike: [ stunned ] Whoa! I, uh — you know, uh —

Zack: I know! You can’t comment on that — I HAD to ask! Okay. SO… we have something in common.

Mike: Yeah?

Zack: We’re both huge fans of MOM!!

Mom: Awwwwww!

Mike: No. Yeah, yeah — she’s a cool lady.

Zack: Give me an example!

Mike: Uhhhh — alright, well, uh — on the car ride home, uh — [ he chuckles ] She’s a cool lady.

Zack: Awesome! Okay. Now, Mike, I’m not sure if you’re aware that this is a very special day for us on the show.

Mike: Oh, yeah? Why’s that, Sport?

Zack: Because this is “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”‘s 100th episode!

Mike: [ choking on his coffee ] What..?

Mom: Woooowwww! It just creeps up on ya’, that 100, huh? Congrats, Zackie!

Zack: [ enthusiastically ] Couldn’t have done it wihout YOU, Mom!

Mike: Whoa, wai — 100? I’m the 100th guest?

Zack: No, no, no — this is the 100th episode!

Mike: Oh.

Zack: There’s been about 130 guests! Right, Mom?

Mom: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Sometimes I think you remember these guys better than I do.

Zack: [ proudly ] I’m sure I do. It’s been a great 100 episodes, so let’s take a look back at some of our FAVORITE memories from “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”!

[ Chairman of the Board’s “Gimme Just a Little More Time” plays over screencaps of past guests: a tattooed freak, an elderly man, a Japanese threesome, an animal trainer, and Joaquin Phoenix ]

Mom: [ shaking her head ] So many memories!

Mike: Wait a minute… w-was that Joaquin Phoenix?

Zack: Yeah, that was a weird interview. But it turned out he was faking it.

Mom: [ chuckling ] Yeah! He wasn’t the only one.

Zack: Yeah! Well, we’ve had a lot of fun, but we’ve also dealt with some serious issues. That’s why I’d like to take this time to give a special shout-out to all of my Mom’s boyfriends who are currently serving overseas.

[ a large list of American and Arabic names scrolls upward ]

Mike: Whoa-oa, oh my God!

Mom: Zack, sweetie, I’ve also got a surprise for you, honey. In the four months since —

Mike: Wait! That’s all been FOUR MONTHS?!

Mom: A few big stars have dropped by, and some of them took time out of their busy schedules to send in messages to you.

[ cut to Gene Simmons ]

Gene Simmons: Gene Simmons here. Congrats to everyone at “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”. Keep it real. [ he removes his sunglasses ] And keep it moist. [ he smiles ]

[ cut to Verne Troyer ]

Verne Troyer: This is Mr. Verne Troyer saying, “The New Boyfriend Talk Show” is shagadelic. [ he sticks his pinkie finger in his mouth ]

[ cut to Magic Johnson ]

Magic Johnson: Hey! Magic Johnson here! I had a magic time on “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”! Zack and that lady are a dream team! Go Lakers!

[ return to the kitchen ]

Zack: Yeah, Magic’s a real friend of the show!

Mike: [ worried ] Oh, no… oh, nooooo… ohhhhhhh, no… Oh, boy.

Zack: [ excited ] So, mom! Who’s our next guest today?

Mike: Wait, there’s someone else today?!

Mom: Yeah. We also got two bands coming! Oh, and also, I burned the eggs, so… it’s cookies for breakfast!

[ Mom throws a bag of Chips Ahoy onto the breakfast table ]

Zack: [ arms in the air ] YAAAAYYYYY!!!

[ title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Returns and Exchanges

Returns Manager…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Customer #2…..Jane Lynch
Denzel Washington…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on exterior, shopping mall ]

[ dissolve to interior, Returns & Exchanges ]

Returns Manager: There you go, Ma’am, uh, I hope you enjoy it.

Customer #1: Thank you so much!

Returns Manager: No problem. Thank you.

[ she turns and exits ]

Returns Manager: Next!

Customer #2: Hi. I just want to return this — [ she places a bag on the counter ]

Returns Manager: Uh, Ma’am? Uhhhh — I should first warn you that Denzel Washington is working here.

Customer #2: [ impressed ] Denzel Washington! Here?

Returns Manager: Yes.

Customer #2: Seriously?! That is so awesome! What’s he doing here?

Returns Manager: Uhhh — he’s preparing for a role. I guess, as a process.

Customer #2: So he’s working here for a movie role. That’s amazing!

Returns Manager: Uh, yeah — in his new movie, I guess he’s supposed to play an ordinary retail employee who gets this returned suitcase that has a secret government microchip accidentally left in it, which puts him in a web of international intrigue.

Customer #2: Wow, you know a LOT about this!

Returns Manager: Uh, yeah — he told me about it about a dozen times.

Customer #2: Well, what’s it called? [ she makes quotes signs with her fingers and laughs ] “Point of No Returns”?

Returns Manager: [ laughing loudly ] Yes! That’s what it’s called!

Customer #2: Really?

[ suddenly, Denzel Washington returns from the back room with a box in his hand, and promptly busts out laughing ]

Denzel Washington: Okay! Alright! So I FOUND it, huh? Yeah! I TOLD you it was there. Right? I specifically stated!

Returns Manager: Uh — yes. Yes, you did. Thank you, Denzel.

Denzel Washington: [ laughing with a huge smile on his face ] I knew it, I knew it! [ suddenly, he sees the customer standing before him ] Oh. Now… what can I help you with, Ma’am? Hmm?

Returns Manager: Uhhh — you know what, Denzel? I think I’ve got this one.

Denzel Washington: No! No, no, no, no! Gotta learn, gotta learn, right? So, come on, darling — let’s see whatchoo got?

Customer #2: Okay, I wanted to, uh — I want to return this bag.

Denzel Washington: Oh, okay. Alright. Let’s take a look. Okay, uh — [ he stares at the bag ] Well, look at this here: This is nice! This is very nice!

Customer #2: Yeah. Thank you.

Denzel Washington: You bought this?

Customer #2: I did.

Denzel Washington: Huh?! This handbag right here, that’s what you — t-t-this is yours?

Customer #2: Yes.

Denzel Washington: [ he places the bag on the counter ] Okay. Alright. So, uh — let’s see here. So, uh, you bought this handbag for #340, and now you want your money back! Is that what you’re saying? That’s what you’re telling me!

Customer #2: I, uh — yes. Yes.

Denzel Washington: Okay. $340. That’s a lot of money to be asking for back. I mean, I’ll GIVE it to you. Huh?

Customer #2: Okay! [ she smiles ]

Denzel Washington: [ laughing ] I just want to ask you one question: [ dramatically ] What’s wrong with it? Hmm?

Customer #2: What? W-with the handbag?

Denzel Washington: You did — that’s right!

Customer #2: Uh — it’s the wrong color.

Denzel Washington: The wrong color? [ he laughs and claps his hands ] You said it’s the WRONG color!

Customer #2: Yes.

Denzel Washington: You knew what COLOR it was when you brought it home! Did it change color or something?

Customer #2: No.

[ Returns Manager re-enters the scene ]

Denzel Washington: No, it didn’t! So let me ask you this: What color is this handbag?!

Returns Manager: Y-you know what? I-I-I can just help this —

Denzel Washington: Oh, no you WON’T! [ Returns Manager retreats to the back room ] I asked her a simple question: What color is this handbag?!

Customer #2: [ whispering ] It’s black. [ louder ] It’s black.

Denzel Washington: Ohhh, it’s BLACK, is it? That’s what you’re TELLING me, right, it’s black? And you don’t like the color?!

Customer #2: No, I —

Denzel Washington: Then, excuuuse me, speak up! You’re at Macy’s! Their rules and regulations! If you got a complaint, I want to hear it! [ he laughs loudly ]

Customer #2: It doesn’t match my shoes.

Denzel Washington: It doesn’t match your shoes, huh? So you don’t have any BLACK shoes in your possession at the — [ he shakes his head crazily ] Not any?! That’s what you’re telling me?

Customer #2: No, uh —

Denzel Washington: Huh?!

Customer #2: I have black shoes, just not the kind that —

Denzel Washington: Not the — not the kind what?! What, not the right kind?!

Customer #2: Ohhhh… I didn’t say that.

Denzel Washington: But you said “Wrong color”, didn’t you? So I’m lying?! So you calling me a liar, right?

Customer #2: Oh, no, no… I didn’t call anyone a liar…

Denzel Washington: It sounded like it to ME!! Huh?! Let me TELL you something: Don’t you EVER, in your LIFE, call me a LIAR!!

Customer #2: But I didn’t! I just wanted to —

Denzel Washington: Ohhhhh, YES you DID!!

Customer #2: I want to return the BAG, okay?!

[ Returns Manager re-enters the scene, horrified ]

Denzel Washington: [ smoothly ] Well, then you gotta answer the questions, darling! You gotta —

Customer #2: [ furious ] I AM answering the questions! I TOOK it home, I DON’T like it — it JUST HAPPENS!! And you’re NOT letting me TALK, you jackwad!

[ Returns Manager covers his mouth and gasps ]

[ Denzel smiles wildly, then begins to clap his hands and laugh ]

Returns Manager: Oh, thank God!

Denzel Washington: [ to Customer ] Heeey, I like you! You’re feisty, aren’t you? I like that! I’m gonna go return this bag, stop messing with you! [ he cracks up as he passes BOM ] My man!

Customer #2: Well, that wasn’t too hard, right?

Returns Manager: Of course not! Okay, I’m so glad we got that settled!

[ Denzel quietly peeks out from the back room ]

Returns Manager: Alright, who’s next? Anyone?

[ cut to exterior, mall ]

Denzel Washington V/O: Hey, hey — let ME handle it!!

Returns Manager V/O: No, no! It’s okay, I got it! No! Denzel, don’t —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter

Tom…..Andy Samberg
Roommate…..Taram Killam
Spokesman…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Jane Lynch

[ open on college student Tom Miller using computer in his dorm room, as his roommate leans forward ]

Roommate: [ laughing ] Oh, man! It looks like you have a new Friend Request!

Tom: Oh, my God… this canNOT be happening…

[ Spokesman enters ]

Spokesman: Well, it finally happened — your Mom is on Facebook!

[ reveal Facebook screen: “Friend Request – Susan Miller – IT’S YOUR MOM! I’M ON THE FACEBOOK!!!” ]

Spokesman V/O: Posting things like:

[ Mom types in her kitchen ]

Mom: “October is getting all my Fall motif sweaters down — or maybe I should just “leaf” them up there! Ha ha ha!”

[ Tom reads the rest at his computer ]

Tom: “I am laughing out loud on the floor.”

Spokesman: Sure, she likes posting about her life… but she LOVES getting into yours.

[ reveal posted photo of Andy partying with a drunken girl ]

Mom: [ typing ] “Who’s your new friend? She looks… ill.”

[ Tom is not amused ]

Spokesman: Now you have to watch EVERYTHING you say! Unless you get the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter. [ reveal product on Facebook screen ] It’s the only act that scans your Facebook page for stuff about drugs… alcohol… sex… references to your atheism… and opinions. Go ahead and type something that your Mom would hate.

Tom: [ typing ] “There isn’t enough beer in the world for me to deal with Glenn Beck’s holy roller B.S.”

Spokesman: Now apply the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter.

[ Tom clicks the “Mom Filter” ]

Tom: [ reading the new message ] “Boy, so I need new dungarees.”

Mom: [ typing in her response ] “Hey, I’ve got a five dollar coupon from Kohl’s. I’ll send it to you.”

Spokesman: See, the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter does what you do naturally — [ laughing ] It LIES to your Mom!

Roommate: SWEET!

Spokesman: Even changing your photos to make them more Mom friendly.

[ the picture of the drunken girl at the party morphs into a ventriloquist’s dummy ]

[ a picture of tom smoking from a bong morphs into a saxophone ]

[ a picture of Tom naked morphs into a t-shirt that reads “Moms Rock!” ]

Spokesman: The Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Fulter. For when your Mom discovers Facebook!

[ Mom clicks a “You Like This.” icon ]

Mom: Like.

[ Spokesman, Tom and Tom’s roommate click it right back ]

Spokesman, Tom, Roommate: Like!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Sunday Night Football

Faith Hill…..Jane Lynch
Al Michaels…..Jason Sudeikis
Cris Collinsworth…..Bill Hader

Al Michaels: Tonight the Philadelphia Eagles and the San Francisco 49ers in an east coast – west coast battle. I’m Al Michaels.

Cris Collinsworth: And I’m Cris Collinsworth, and this is Sunday Night Football.

[ Opening sequence for Sunday Night Football plays. ]

V/0: All right, listen up America. It’s Sunday night, and that means football night right here. Heh heh heh. So, let’s hit it!

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“All right, Sunday night, kickin’ back,
Everybody looking at the quarterback.
San Francisco is the place to be,
‘Cause it’s Sunday Night Football on NBC!”

Al Michaels: Okay we’re coming to you live from beautiful Candlestick Park.

Cris Collinsworth: The Eagles won the coin toss, It’s time for kickoff here on Sunday Night Football.

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“Football, Touchdown, Sunday night,
The tough get rough in a primetime fight.
Al and Cris are the best on TV,
And it’s touchdown time on NBC!”

Cris Collinsworth: Gotta love that new theme song.

Al Michaels: Yep, nothing says football like a woman singing on a field. Oh, I guess we’re going back.

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“Sunday Night Football here’s the score,
Niners comin’ at you and they’re 0-4
Eagles lost a quarterback Michael Vick,
He used to fight dogs but tonight he’s sick.”

Al Michaels: Thank you for that informative and long theme song, but moving on, we…

Cris Collinsworth: Oh… oh…

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“NBC, NFL, NBC,
Did you know the Eagles have a rich history?
Founded in the 30s by Commissioner Bell,
And a local businessman named Ludlow Wray.”

[ Al and Cris stare dumbfounded, song continues. ]

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“Salsa olives sour cream dip,
Spread it on a layer of tortilla chips.
You add some guacamole and some melted cheese,
Your mouth just scored a touchdown here on NBC!”

Cris Collinsworth: That was a nacho recipe.

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“Touchdown, touchdown, touchdown time,
Sunday night and we’re all feeling fine.
There will be touchdowns – it’s a guarantee,
‘Cause the game already started and it’s 14-3!”

Al Michaels: Did she say the game already started?!

Cris Collinsworth: What the hell?!

Faith Hill: [ singing ]
“49’ers have 56 active players,
Here they are in no particular order:
Kevin Boss, Jason Hill and Josh Morgan,
53 more to go on NBC!”

Cris Collinsworth: We’ll be right back after this with more theme song on Sunday Night Football.

[ Cue Sunday Night Football logo. ]

[ Fade out ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Goodnights

…..Jane Lynch

Jane Lynch: And thanks to Bruno Mars! It’s been a blast! Good night, everybody! Thank you so much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Coven to Elect Christine O’Donnell

Christine O’Donnell…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Christine O’Donnell ]

Christine O’Donnell: Hi. I’m Christine O’Donnell… and I am not a witch. I’m nothing like you’ve heard. I’m you. And, just like you, I have to constantly deny that I’m a witch. Isn’t that what the people of Delaware deserve? A candidate who promises, first and foremost, that she’s not a witch? That’s the kind of candidate Delaware hasn’t had since 1692. And that’s why, if elected to the Human Senate, I promise to fly straight down to Washington — [ chuckling nervously ] on a plane! And do exactly what you would do: Not spells. Besides, if I were a witch, why wouldn’t I just cast a spell making all of you forget that I’m a witch? It’s certainly not because the spell requires one newt per person and a lack of a sufficient number of newts.

[ she laughs ]

I know the problems facing our nation, because I’ve been living among you ever since I moved to Delaware from the Black Forest of Germany almost 3,000 years ago. So this November 2nd, vote for Christine O’Donnell, AKA: Zoraida the Enchantress. Because I’m not a witch. And, if I am, do you really want to cross me? I didn’t think so.

[ the camera pulls back to reveal O’Donnell dressed in a witch’s skirt and candy-stripe tights, a skeleton playing a piano, and ghosts floating through the air ]

Announcer: Paid for by the Coven to Elect Christine O’Donnell, who is not a witch.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

An SNL Digital Short

William…..Andy Samberg
Therapist…..Jane Lynch

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Therapist’s office ]

Therapist: …and what seems to be the problem?

William: I just feel stressed out all the time. I don’t know what to do

Therapist: Well, let’s try something. Shut your eyes.

William: Okay. [ he shuts his eyes ]

Therapist: Now take a dee-ee-eep breath —

[ William breathes deeply ]

Therapist: And imagine you’re in the middle of a big, peaceful meadow, all alone…

[ dissolves to a peaceful meadow setting, William dressed in white ]

Therapist V/O: A warm breeze floats by, carrying the smell of fresh flowers. The sun caresses your face, as you let go of all your fears and worries. And, also, I’m there.

[ a relaxed William is suddenly disturbed to find his therapist lying next to him, jolting him from his relaxation therapy ]

William: Wait — why are you there?

Therapist: Just relax, William, okay? [ she smiles ] It’s all part of the process. Stay with me, okay?

William: Okay.

Therapist: So, you’re in the field…

[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]

Therapist V/O: And you hear the sounds of some birds playing in the sunshine. You breathe in. And when you exhale, you feel all your troubles just melting away. And, also, I’m there, dressed as an ice cream man, sliding a popsicle down your throat…

[ the disturbing image again jolts William from his relaxation therapy ]

William: What is that?

Therapist: It’s okay — alright — let’s take it a little slow, okay? And, you’re back in the field —

[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]

Therapist V/O: Completely calm… you let go of all the tension in your neck. You lie back, and when you look up, there’s a golf ball on your privates, and I’m there teeing off the 5 wood.

[ the disturbing image once again jolts William from his relaxation therapy ]

William: Okay! Yeah, that’s not cool.

Therapist: Trust, William, trust. Okay? Stay with me. And, we’re in the field —

[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]

Therapist V/O: Cool breezes… a state of relaxation… nothing around you for miles. It smells warm, like fresh bread coming out of an oven. Yeah, and on top of that bread we’ve got smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a little bit of spicy mustard on the top —

[ within the peaceful setting, William is bombarded with these toppings across his chest, jolting him once more from his relaxation therapy ]

[ the Therapist is now on the phone in her office ]

Therapist: And then, I guess a diet Dr. Pepper. Okay, see you in a bit. [ she hangs up the phone ]

[ William just stares at her incredulously ]

Therapist: And… we’re in the field —

[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]

Therapist V/O: Breeze… flowers… relaxed… deep breath… friendly rabbit… a little more popsicle —

[ William hasn’t even bothered to play into this part of the therapy ]

William: Okay, what is going on? Are you even a therapist?

Therapist: Alright, William… I’m gonna level with you. This is a new experimental method that I am developing.

William: Okay.

Therapist: And, if it doesn’t help you, if it’s a complete failure, then I’ll waive my fee. Okay?

William: Fine.

Therapist: GOOD!! Okay. This time we’ll take a slightly difference approach. [ William sighs ] Now, you’re in a perfect white space —

[ dissolve to William walking along a white space ]

Therapist V/O: And all of your stress… just melts away.

William V/O: [ breathes deeply ] Okay. This is nice.

Therapist V/O: An innocent little girl approaches you… and offers you a flower. You warmly accept it. And then she KICKS you in the crotch! And then I walk over and I kick you in the crotch! [ she chuckles ] That’s it! You can open your eyes now.

[ William opens his eyes, mildly shocked ]

William: Huh. You know, I think that actually worked. I, strangely, feel better.

[ the Therapist leans in from William’s side ]

Therapist: And that concludes Phase One.

William: Noooo!

[ reveal full shot — the Therapist is lying naked beside William ]

Therapist: Now, let’s begin Phase Two.

[ cut to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 23rd, 2010

Emma Stone

Kings of Leon

None

None

John Mulaney

Harry Reid For SenateSummary: Hoping to be elected in Nevada, Harry Reid (Paul Brittain) tries to distance his association with President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Harry Reid.

Montage

Emma Stone’s MonologueSummary: Emma Stone detracts attention from her nerd fans in the audience.

BabyspanxSummary: The slimming bodystocking that lets fat babies be the envy of their parents’ friends.

Dream Home ExtremeSummary: Cheryl Bryant (Kristen Wiig) is more excited abut the dream home giveaway than the actual winner (Emma Stone).

Recurring Characters: Cheryl Bryant.

WXPD News Channel 9Summary: Action news reporter Peter DeSantos (Bill Hader) has the scoop on disturbing new teen trends like “souping” and “trampolining”.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: High school girl (Emma Stone) thinks she’s cool because she boke her arm after slipping on some jelly (Andy Samberg).

The ViewSummary: The insipidly gabby talk show hostesses chat with Lindsay Lohan (Emma Stone) during a rare rehab furlough.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Wrangler Open Fly JeansSummary: Brett Favre (Jason Sudeikis) loves to keep himself exposed while playing football in his open fly jeans.

Transcript

Kings of Leon perform “Radioactive”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Jimmy McMillan (Kenan Thompson) promotes his Rent’s Too Damn High political party. John Mulaney comments on current events that earn his “I Love It!” praise. Stefon (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Les Jeunes de ParisSummary: French teens (Emma Stone, Taran Killam) compete in a cafe dance-off.

My Brother Knows EverythingSummary: Morgan (Nasim Pedrad) and best friend Meredith (Emma Stone) gush about how great her brother Erik (Andy Samberg) is on their hand-held camcorder show.

Transcript

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex SymposiumSummary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex.

Transcript

Kings of Leon perform “Pyro”

Googie Rene’s Partially Damaged Halloween Costume Discount BasementSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells Halloween costumes at a discount because his inventory comes complete with stains.

Recurring Characters: Googie Rene.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Steven Seagal: Law ManSummary: Actor Steven Seagal (Bill Hader) stumbles his way as a would-be cop on reality television.

Recurring Characters: Steven Seagal.

BullySummary: A bully (Andy Samberg) is reduced to tears when his would-be victims don’t fall for his tough guy act.

HotchkissSummary: A group of interns debate whether or not co-worker Hotchkiss (Vanessa Bayer) is hot or not.

Strip ClubSummary: Emcee (Jason Sudeikis) hosts his final show at a strip club.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

My Brother Knows Everythings

Morgan…..Nasim Pedrad
Meredith…..Emma Stone
Erik…..Andy Samberg

[ open on snowy TV image ]

[ dissolve to camcorder view of Morgan position the camera in front of her ]

Morgan: Hey! I’m Morgan, I’m 11, and you’re watching another episode of… “My Brother Knows Everything”!

[ cut to show logo and images ]

Jingle:
“My brother knows everything!Oh yeah!He pretty much knows everything!He does neat stuff, and then I tell you that stuff!I’m telling you all the stuff that my brother tells me!My brother knows everything!”

[ cut back to Morgan ]

Morgan: Okay! Welcome to the show! Today, as always, I’ll be celebrating my older brother Erik! He’s basically the coolest fifteen-year old, like, in the world. Let’s meet him in a segment called “Get Away From Me!” Check it out!

[ cut to clip: Erik playing X-Box in his room ]

Morgan: Hey, Erik! Can I watch you play X-Box?

Erik: Get away from me!

[ he thrusts his arm forward and pushes the camcorder view away from him; the video feed turns to snow ]

[ return to Morgan hosting the show ]

Morgan: Okay, my co-host tonight is my best friend and next-door neighbor — Meredith!

[ reveal Meredith seated at Megan’s right ]

Meredith: Hey, Morgan! Great to be here! And can I just say your brother is a total hunk?

Morgan: Ewww! Gross! But… yeah! Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Erik-splanations”! Here’s what Erik explained to me this week!

Meredith: [ grabbing cue cards ] Okay, Question 1: “What is ‘Freaking’?”

Morgan: That just means “grinding”!

Meredith: Question 2: “What is ‘grinding’?”

Morgan: It’s when you freak!

Meredith: Question 3: “How many times do people have to freak before they have a baby?”

Morgan: Seven! Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Let’s Bro to the Movies”!

Meredith: This week, we’re reviewing “Jackass 3D”.

Morgan: Yeah! But we’re not allowed to see “Jackass 3D”, so, as, always — right? — we eavesdropped on my brother Erik talking about it with his friends!

Meredith: Okay, here’s our review: There’s a giant hand…

Morgan: And, apparently, when you least expect it, there’s a butt!

Meredith: [ she laughs moronically for a period ] Uh, and that’s our review of “Jackass 3D”.

Morgan: We give this movie… three-and-a-half Eriks!

[ graphic appears on-screen ]

Morgan: Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Stop Being Weird”. Check it out!

[ cut to clip: Erik reading on his bed, as Morgan pops into the foreground ]

Morgan: Hey, Erik! Watch this!

[ Morgan begins to make bouncing fish faces ]

Erik: [ as he pushes Morgan out of frame ] STOP BEING WEIRD!!

[ the video feed turns to snow ]

[ return to Morgan hosting the show ]

Morgan: Okay.

Meredith: Great.

Morgan: Thanks. Okay, and now it’s time for another segment, called… “Erik’an Idols”! This is where we count down the Top 5 cutest guys from the posters on Erik’s wall! [ she picks up each poster for the reveal ] Number Five: Al Pacino from “Scarface”.

Meredith: Sooooo cute!

Morgan: Yeah! Number Four: Pau Gasol from basketball!

Meredith: He looks like a hot ostrich…

Morgan: Number Three: Hellraiser!

Meredith: Take those nails out, and you got a hunk.

Morgan: Number Two: Mel Brooks as Yogurt in “Spaceballs”.

Meredith: Not my personal style, but I get it.

Morgan: And the Number One cutest guy is:

Together: NICHOLAS CAGE IN “GHOST RIDER”!!

Meredith: Whoo-oo-oo!

Morgan: That was fun!

Meredith: That was fun!

Morgan: Yeah!

[ sound effect: approaching footsteps ]

Morgan: Uh-oh! The sound of Erik coming up the stairs means it’s time for our LAST segment, called… “What Are You Doing in My Room?”

[ Erik appears ]

Erik: What are you doing in my room?!!

Morgan: I’m doing my show! It’s about YOU! You remember Meredith!

Meredith: [ embarrassed ] Hi… What’s “grinding”?

Erik: It’s when you FREAK!! Quit using my camera!!

[ Erik rushes toward the camcorder and turns the picture to snow ]

[ the screen exits onto earlier filmed footage: Erik practicing with nunchuks ]

Erik: Erik’s Nunchuk Demo Reel: Take One! [ he whips the nunchuks around for a minute, then poses ] Ye-eah!

[ screen turns back to snow and returns to fresh footage of Morgan and Meredith smiling ]

Morgan: [ whispering ] Well… that’s our show!

Meredith: [ whispering ] Tune in next week when we finally get to the bottom of… Erik’s underwear drawer!

Morgan: [ whispering ] Yeah!

[ suddenly, Erik rushes back into the scene ]

Erik: I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!

[ the girl run off screaming ]

[ cut to show logo ]

Jingle: “My Brother Knows Everything!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts