Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

October 2nd, 2010

Bryan Cranston

Kanye West

None

Morgan Freeman

Ernest Borgnine

Pusha T

None

C-SpanSummary: After announcing his resignation, Rahm Emanuel (Andy Samberg) tells successor Peter Rouse (Bobby Moynihan) that he’ll have to be tough to survive in Washington, D.C.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Rahm Emanuel.

Transcript

Montage

Bryan Cranston’s MonologueSummary: Bryan Cranston tries to build name recognition with a lavish song-and-dance number with back-up performers who don’t recognize him.

Pepto-Bismol IceSummary: The upset stomach reliever that won’t interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.

Note: This filmed piece was cut from last week’s episode.

Transcript

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) hosts a talk show and interviews Johnny Depp (Paul Brittain).

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Morgan Freeman, Ernest Borgnine, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

Sexy ShanaSummary: Basketball team (Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam) is enamored by Shana (Kristen Wiig) until she goes overboard with her sexy-gross cheering techniques.

Recurring Characters: Shana.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A man’s (Andy Samberg) attempts to dial 911 and thwart a home break-in result in a massive ticket order to see “Rescue Dogs 3D”.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Power”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) delivers erronous secondhand news, Cathy (Andy Samberg) ends her strip’s 34-year run.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Cathy.

Kid SmartzSummary: In a classic game show rebroadcast from 1972, emcee Bobby Poth (Bryan Cranston) enjoys kissing his underaged child contestants (Vanessa Bayer, Abby Elliott, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson).

The Bjelland BrothersSummary: Minnesota brothers Jeffrey (Bryan Cranston) and Dan Bjelland (Fred Armisen) perform their bottom-of-the-chart song “Bottle of Sparkling Apple Juice” over and over in concert to a sparsely-populated local crowd.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Runaway”

HenrySummary: Ex-Green Beret Dad (Bryan Cranston) beats would-be mural artist and fifth-grader Henry (Nasim Pedrad) up in order to teach his weakling son how to fight.

Transcript

I-Sleep ProSummary: Business traveler (Kenan Thompson) is unable to fall asleep unless he can drift off to the sounds of familiar “black noise”.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

CNN’s Got TalentSummary: CNN reporters display their skills in a no-holds-barred talent competition.

GunshotSummary: A director (Jason Sudeikis) is unconvinced by an actor’s (Fred Armisen) death by gunshot while filming a scene.

Frederick from ZurichSummary: Frederick (Paul Brittain) runs over his wife’s (Nasim Pedrad) cat for the third time.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

The Bjelland Brothers

Jeffrey…..Bryan Cranston
Dan…..Fred Armisen

[Opens with an outside shot of the Target Center arena]

[ Caption: “Minneapolis, MN.” ]

[Cuts to the stage with two long-haired old school soft rock singers. The band behind them play a jangly soft rock song]

Dan: Good evening, everybody!

Jeffrey: Hello! Thank you all for coming.

Dan: Wow!

Jeffrey: Are you ready, Dan?

Dan: I’m always ready. Oh, yeah.

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Jeffrey: Oh, remember this song?

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

[soft rock theme continues]

Dan: Thank you all so much for coming here tonight. It means so much to me and my brother Jeffrey.

Jeffrey: It sure does. [to the audience] Can you all see us? Even the people in the back? Is that–

Dan: Turn the house lights up a little. We want to see the crowd. [looks into the audience] Mmm, look at that. There aren’t that many people here tonight.

Jeffrey: It’s what professional singers describe as “lightly attended”.

Dan: There are pockets of people. I see a nice little crowd right over there. [points] Hello!

[Three people wander around the empty arena]

Jeffrey: Still, a few more people would’ve been nice. [pointing to the stands] It seems like whole sections are empty.

Dan: Whole sections… you know what? That’s okay. This is our hometown. And we love you!

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: Hello!

[soft rock theme continues]

Jeffrey: You know, this song hit the Top 200 on the Minnesota charts back in 1979. It’s our only song. How about that?

Dan: It was so nice seeing our name up there. “The Bjelland Brothers”. You know, printed local music magazine. We were shocked.

Jeffrey: Especially since the song itself was written fairly quickly, believe it or not.

Dan: It’s very true. I had sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to a woman I was very interested in…

Jeffrey: Very interested.

Dan: …and I didn’t hear back from her as to whether or not she got it. I was very depressed for about a year. Until one day I walked out into my garage and saw a bottle of sparkling apple juice underneath my table. So, as it turns out, I never sent it.

Jeffrey: He’s very forgetful.

Dan: But you know something? We did get this wonderful song out of it.

Jeffrey: We did.

Dan: What a wonderful thing that is! To write beautiful music.

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: [to the band] Say hello to our band. They’ve been working so hard on this 3-day tour.

Jeffrey: You know, we’ve lost a lot of money on this tour. A lot of money.

Dan: We bought two buses. You know how much a bus costs? We could’ve rented them, but I was just being show-offy in front of my new assistant. So dumb.

Jeffrey: [holding his arms in disbelief] We also hired a chef!

Dan: So stupid. You guys look like a really good crowd.

Jeffrey: They do…they do.

Dan: Do you guys want to sing along? Okay, bring the music down.

[music goes down]

Jeffrey: Bring it down, you guys. Bring the music down just a little.

Dan: [sings] “I sent a—” [holds microphone out into the audience]

Audience: “–bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Jeffrey: Oh!

[Dan and Jeffrey hold their microphones out to the audience]

Audience: “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: Bring it back up! [soft rock theme comes back stronger] This is the only song we’re doing tonight!

[cut to outside of the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN]

Dan and Jeffrey: “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent—”

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

Goodnights

…..Bryan Cranston

Bryan Cranston: Ohhhhh, thanks to Kanye West! Pusha T! Morgan Freeman! Ernest Borgnine! Thank you, Lorne Michaels, this is the greatest cast in the world! I had the BEST week of my life! [ he blows a kiss to the audience ] I love you all!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

Henry

Henry…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Bryan Cranston

[ open on exterior, suburban house, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, basement, as Henry paints a mural on the wall ]

Henry: [ singing ]
“Pegasus, Pegasus, I like your shape
That’s because –”

Dad’s Voice: HENRY!!

Henry: Oh?

[ Dad enters the basement ]

Dad: Pegasus looks GREAT!

Henry: Thanks, Dad!

Dad: Hey, can I talk to you a minute, son?

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry puts his paint supplies down and steps closer to Dad ]

Dad: Now, I-I know the fifth grade can be rough — your mom tells me you’re getting picked on by some bullies.

Henry: Yeah! Today they somehow fit me into my own backpack!

Dad: Well, you’re WAY small.

Henry: Yeah, WAY small! Yeah, definitely the smallest boy. Probably smaller than ALL but a couple of girls!

Dad: That’s okay, because I’m gonna teach you how to defend yourself! You know why?

Henry: ‘Cause you were a Green Beret?

Dad: ‘Cause I was a Green Beret! And because I… love… YOU! Alright, Henry! Now — feet steady, hands up, eyes on the target, and COME AT ME!!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry rushes toward his Dad, only to punched square in the forehead and dropped to the floor ]

Henry: OW!

Dad: Alright.

Henry: Ow, Dad!

Dad: Alright, Champ. Okay. You’re alright. Now, what happened there?

Henry: [ he catches his breath ] Yeah, let’s talk about it! Uhhh — I got my BUTT handed to me, right off the bat!

Dad: Yeah. Yeah. Now, now, what did you think you did wrong?

Henry: Well, I’ll be honest: I went in with LITTLE to NO strategy —

Dad: Ahhh…

Henry: Then, there was the whole punch-in-the-face moment, and it was pretty much just Lights Out from there!

Dad: Yeah, that’s right, Henry. And at what point did you lose the upper hand?

Henry: Ohhh, I’d say from the get-go, and then pretty much steadily throughout!

Dad: And what are you gonna do right now?

Henry: Well… my suggestion is that we both step away from this for about an hour, maybe process this. That way, I can get back to my mural.

Dad: Or: You can come at me EVEN HARDER!

Henry: Okay.

Dad: Now, WHAT are you?!

Henry: Small!

Dad: What do want to BE?!

Henry: Strong!

Dad: HOW are you gonna do that?!

Henry: I’m gonna fight and win!

Dad: NOW!! COME AT ME!!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry rushes forward, but Dad is able to hold him back with one arm stretched outward ]

Henry: OW!! OW!! Dad — Ow!

[ suddenly, Dad knocks Henry to the floor with a suckerpunch ]

Dad: Aw, Henry, dammit! Are you okay?

Henry: Yes. But — ow!

Dad: Oh, now what happened there, Champ, huh?

Henry: Let’s see — Once again, I got ABSOLUTELY dominated —

Dad: Yeah, you got ABSOLUTELY dominated! Now, WHY did you let me DO that?!

Henry: Well, that time I was focused on staing on the balls of my feet —

Dad: Ah!

Henry: So THAT all checked out.

Dad: Uh-huh.

Henry: But that I-was-punched-in-the-face time, and I just have NO answer for that!

Dad: Now, Henry, you gotta keep your arms UP!

Henry: Right! Again, Dad, I feel like everything you’re saying makes perfect sense on paper… but, when I’m actually IN the fight —

Dad: It’s a lot harder.

Henry: It’s a LOT harder, yeah! I get tired, like, almost immediately. If I’m being completely honest, there ARE moments during the fight when I wish I was doing ANYTHING else! And, again, there’s just a WHOLE lot of thinking about my mural!

Dad: Oh, yeah — and it SHOWS! Now, I need to hear it again: What are you?

Henry: Small!

Dad: What do you wanna be?

Henry: A mural artist?

Dad: [ disgusted ] HEN-RYYYY!

Henry: Strong!

Dad: Now, okay! What should you do with FEAR?!

Henry: Have less of it?

Dad: Right! Right! Right! So come on — let’s DO thiS! KNOCK! ME! OUT!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry lunges toward his dad, but is immediately placed in a chokehold ]

Henry: Oh..!

Dad: Now, Henry — why’d you — why’d you let me get you in a chokehold?

Henry: Uhhh — you’re asking me to take myself OUT of the situation —

Dad: Uh-huh?

Henry: But I’m STILL very much IN it! Also, could you let go? ‘Cause I think my face is starting to DIE!

Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Mom’s Voice: Boys! Dinner’s ready!

Henry: Good!

[ Dad releass his grip on Henry ]

Dad: Okay, we’ll be up in a minute! [ to Henry ] Okay. Ready?

[ Dad lays another suckerpunch across Henry’s face and drops him to the floor ]

Henry: Oh!

Dad: Alright, Son. Now, what happened there, Henry?

Henry: I don’t knoooowwww. I mean, looking back, I’m very PROUD of my performance. I did EVERYTHING right. I mean, in the end, it just came down to superior size and strength!

Dad: Well, obviously, this is gonna take some time. But, I gotta say, you are improving crazy-fast!

Henry: Yeah! I’m improving CRAZY-Fast!

Dad: [ chuckling ] And I LOVE you, buddy, but you’re WAY small!

Henry: WAY small!

[ Dad wraps his arm around Henry and peads the boys upstairs ]

[ cut to exterior view of the house ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

The Miley Cyrus Show

Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Bryan Cranston
Johnny Depp…..Paul Brittain
Jeff…..Andy Samberg

[ opening logo ]

Miley Cyrus V/O: Hey, y’all! It’s “The Miley Cyrus Show”! with ME — Miley Cyrus!

Jingle: “I got guests, and a show
And I’m ready to go!
So I guess that’s… pretty cool.
It’s pretty cool!”

[ dissolve to Miley Cyrus standing in place for her monologue ]

Miley Cyrus: Hello, it’s Miley, y’all! This is like my show where I like talk to people who are pretty cool and we’ll like talk about things I think are pretty cool, and yeah, it’s pretty cool! And my Miley Cyrus band over here, we got Billy Ray Cyrus!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Miley, you are an absolute sunshine! It is just nuts how special you are. You are like God’s gift!

Miley Cyrus: Okay dad, thank you. Ok, so now I’m gonna do like, my comedy monologue. So I don’t know if y’all saw, but there’s a study that like, only 5% of French people go to the gym. So, I thought that was pretty funny because like, 5%? That’s a PRETTY small number of people going to the gym! So that’s my monologue. I thought it was pretty funny.

Billy Ray Cyrus: [laughing; the drummer in the background laughs as well] Oh, baby, you are hi-larious! You are like a pretty little George Lopez!

Miley Cyrus: [embarrassed] Okay! So, my guest tonight is a really serious actor and stuff like that, and now I’m a serious actor and stuff like that, so this will be pretty cool. Please give a big “Shellow” to Johnny Depp! [Depp enters, disinterested and barely hugs her] So, Johnny Depp, you play a creepy guy a lot, which I think is pretty cool.

Johnny Depp: Yes, I uh, enjoy exploring some, uh, darker characters.

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, me too! So, I’ve [brief pause for audience laughs], I’ve been a fan of yours going like all the way back to Willy Wonka, and there’s something that I’ve always wanted to ask you: Like, how do you pick out which movies you’re gonna do and like what’s your favorite movie you ever did and like what’s your favorite role you ever did and like who’s your best friend and like how tall are you and like what eyeliner do you wear and like are you American?

Johnny Depp: Well, it’s… kind of a lot to process…

Billy Ray Cyrus: [laughing] Look out, Depp! My baby girl wants some answers, [does a lame gesture with both pointer fingers] she’s coming to get ‘em!

Miley Cyrus: [embarrassed] Dad!

Billy Ray Cyrus: You make me smile!

Miley Cyrus: So, Johnny Depp! Like, what is your next movie that’s coming out?

Johnny Depp: Actually, Tim Burton and I are working on a haunting adaptation of Good Night, Moon.

Miley Cyrus: [nods with slight confusion] Yeah, that’s pretty cool! So like, let’s roll the clip!

Johnny Depp: Oh, I didn’t bring a clip!

Miley Cyrus: No, it’s a clip from my movie. I think you’re gonna like it ‘cause it’s like, really dramatic. Let’s roll that clip!

[Miley and a soldier in uniform stand in the front yard of a house; the movie is titled “Goodbye, Jeff” and dramatic piano music is playing]

Jeff: When you miss me, just think of that old oak tree out in the yard and remember my promise.

Miley Cyrus: This is so sad, because like, you’re my boyfriend and like, we just fell in love and stuff like that, and it’s like so dramatic ‘cause you’re going off to war and stuff like that, [the soldier looks at the camera in confusion] and this is just like, so not cool! [Miley looks at the camera and grins; the clip ends]

Miley Cyrus: So, that was like, pretty cool, right? Okay! Well, that’s our show! I thought it was pretty cool!

Johnny Depp: Is that it? I flew here from the south of France.

Miley Cyrus: Oh my god, I love France! Did you know that like, only 5% of French people go to the gym? Remember that? It’s from my monologue. That’s pretty funny. Well, thanks for watching, y’all! [Theme song starts] Come on dad, let’s hit it! [Billy ray comes with his guitar] I got guests/ and a show / and I’m ready to go / so I guess that’s pretty cool!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Cool!

Miley Cyrus: It’s pretty cool!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Pretty cool!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

Pepto-Bismol Ice

Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Guy…..Andy Samberg
Bartender…..Taran Killam

[ open on club scene, Girl sitting at the bar ]

Girl V/O: I was at the club with some friends. That’s when it happened: [ she clutches her stomach ] This burning sensation.

Voiceover: In-di-ges-tionnnn!

Girl V/O: I was ready to go home. [ Bartender brings a tray toward her ] Then I heard about Pepto-Bismol Ice. [ the thick pink beverage is poured into a glass ] The only antacid that’s also a malt licquor.

Voiceover: Pep-to-Bis-mol Icccccce!

[ diagram of human figure as pink liquid pours down the throat into the stomach, then bounces back toward the brain ]

Girl V/O: Just one sip, and you’ll taste the relief. Pepto-Bismol Ice gives you relief from your stomach pain and fills your brain with a low-grade alcohol.

[ show girl dancing in the club with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol Ice in her hand ]

[ SUPER: “Enjoy Pepto Bismol Ice responsibly.” ]

Girl V/O: Pepto-Bismol ice got me off the toilet… and onto the dance floor!

[ a guy spots her dancing across the floor and crosses toward her ]

Girl V/O: Plus, it’s got that signature pink color that guys love.

[ two bottles of Pepto-Bismol Ice are placed on the counter ]

Voiceover: Pep-to-Bis-mol Icccccce!

[ the girl picks up one bottle to swig, as the guy steps forward and picks up the other bottle and swigs ]

Girl: [ shouting ] It kills the bacteria that causes diarrhea!

Guy: [ shouting ] Nice!

[ they begin to make out ]

[ cut to Bartender pouring a fresh glass of Pepto-Bismol Ice ]

Girl V/O: Pepto-Bismol Ice. Keep the party out of your pants.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

C-Span

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
Peter Rouse…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span “Next” card ]

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN: Yesterday, at a special ceremony, Rahm Emanuel officially stepped down as White House Chief of Staff.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama behind podium, flanked by a confident Rahm Emanuel and timid Peter Rouse ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Uh, good morning. Uh, today my administration says goodbye to a friend… a fighter… a warrior. A man you want in your corner when the going gets rough. A man who won’t take “No” for an answer. A man who has twisted a few arms and, uh, poked a few chests. A man who knows no fear, but knows how to make others afraid. You know him as Rahm Emanuel, but, to me, he will always be Rahmbo.

[ the two men bump fists ]

Uhh, Rahm will be replaced as White House Chief of Staff by Peter Rouse. Uh, Pete hails from Connecticut and is a lover of cats. [ Rouse shies away ] Come on back, Pete. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Uh, but enough about me. Today belongs to Rahm. Rahm?

Rahm Emanuel: Thank you, Mr. President. As the president reminded us just now, I do have a certain reputation amongst my colleagues in the administration and Congress. Now, has my manner sometimes been a bit aggressive? Probably. Could my personality be fairly described as abrasive? Yes, it could. Do I lack even basic social skills? Absolutely. Does a little bit of me go a long way? Indeed, it does. In my job, have I at times used ugly strong-arm methods to get support for this president’s agenda? Guilty as charged. But, remember: there’s a big difference between arguing a point passionately and committing actual physical violence. And that’s a difference I completely lost sight of. Not in every case, but almost. And for that I am truly very sorry. Now, Pete? Come here. Come here, buddy.

[ Rouse reluctantly inches closer ]

If there’s one piece of advice that I can give to you, it’s this: Everyone in Washington is trying to kill you! All! The! Time! And it’s kill or be killed. Are you ready to kill a man, Pete?

[ Rouse shakes his head with fear ]

Are you ready to choke a man over a vote?

Peter Rouse: [ whimpering ] I don’t think so!

Rahm Emanuel: ‘Cause this is prison rules now, baby! Olay? On the first day, you gotta walk up to the biggest congressman you can find and say, ‘Nice to meet you.’ And when he goes to shake your hand, you STAB him in the NECK with a pencil! And then you scream, for everyone to hear: “I am Pete Rouse! But you can call me King f’n Kong! If any of you ladies got a problem with that, I will FIGHT you in the men’s room!” You ready to be King Kong, Pete?

Peter Rouse: [ crying ] No-o-o!

Rahm Emanuel: Are you ready to let the part of you that’s human die?

Peter Rouse: No! I don’t think I want this job any more…

Rahm Emanuel: You can’t cry, buddy. Okay? If you cry, it’s over. If you cry, it’s shawshank! Here. I want you to have this. [ he holds up a razor blade ] It’s a razor blade. Keep it in your mouth. Hopefully, you’ll never have to use it, but it’s still nice to feel the metal against your gums.

Peter Rouse: [ crying, as he removes the blade from his mouth ] I wanna go ho-o-ome!

Rahm Emanuel: [ he puts his finger on Rouse’s lips ] Shhhh, shhhh! [ whispering ] You have no home now. Home is for people. But you? You’re a monster.

[ Emanuel kisses Rouse’s forehead, then shoves him off-screen ]

Today I am leaving the hardest and the best job I’ve ever had. Now, did I make a difference? I hope so. I do know one thing for certain: [ he sniffles ] I made a lot of friends. [ he looks off-screen ] What’s that? I didn’t? Really? No friends at all? Right. Because of my personality. [ he tsks ] Well, there’s not much more else to say. I want once again to thank the president for this opportunity, and to wish him good luck dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in Congress. On that score, I’m sure Pete will do just fine.

[ Rouse continues to cry ]

And, one last thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

An SNL Digital Short

Homeowner…..Andy Samberg
Burglar #1…..Fred Armisen
Burglar #2…..Kenan Thompson
Actress…..Helen Mirren
Pizza Man…..Bobby Moynihan

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to the sounds of a door being kicked in ]

[ Homeowner wakes up in distress to the noise, looks at his clock to see it’s 3:24 in the morning, then looks out the bedroom window to see two burglars scurrying past ]

[ the Homeowner jumps out of bed, grabs his cellphone and quickly dials 9-1-1 ]

[ by now, the burglars are inside the house and closing in, so the Homeowner scoots under his bed ]

Voice: 9-1-1. What’s your emergency?

[ from ground level, the burglars can be seen entering the bedroom ]

Voice: Hello?

[ the Homeowner hangs up his cellphone ]

Burglar #1: Did you hear that?

Burglar #2: What? It’s nothing. Just get the stuff.

Burglar #1: Okay.

[ the burglars exit the bedroom ]

[ trying to keep quiet, the Homeowner pulls up an “Emergency 9-1-1′ app on his cellphone and presses the button ]

[ screen:
“911 Emergency
The Automated Rescue Dispatch Application!
Loading…” ]

Homeowner: [ to himself ] Go, go, go, go, go…

[ screen:
“presented by
RESCUE DOGS 3D
coming soon” ]

Announcer: This summer! Helen Mirren is top dog in… “Rescue Dogs 3D”!

Homeowner: Come on…

Actress: I want your gun and your leash — you’re off the case!

Announcer: “Rescue Dogs 3D”! Sit, stay, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Okay…

Voiceover: What is the nature of your emergency?

[ screen:
“Medical
Robbery/Home Invasion
Car Accident
Other” ]

[ Homeowner presses his selection ]

Voiceover: Roberry/Home Invasion.

[ the burglars continue to pass at the window ]

Voiceover: Where should we send help?

[ screen: “Current GPSEnter address” ]

Voiceover: GPS. Please select your theater for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”

[ Homeowner presses a selection ]

Voiceover: Please pick a showtime for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”

[ Homeowner tries to skip this step, but… ]

[ screen: “You Must Choose a Showtime to Proceed” ]

Voiceover: Thank you for your purchase of 99 child tickets.

[ the app accesses his Address Book ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ names zip by: Doug Abeles, Anthony Ableton, Ken Aymong, Hannibel Burress, Jillian Bell… ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ screen:
“COMPLETE!
All 354 contacts emailed to join you at
RESCUE DOGS 3D” ]

[ Homeowner looks up to see the burglars carrying his big screen TV past the window ]

[ his cellphone flashes an ALERT! ]

Voiceover: Are you having a HUNGER EMERGENCY? Let the Rescue Dogs help, with 2 for 1 pizzas from Pizza Hut!

[ more crashing sounds in the background ]

Voiceover: Thanks for your order! Be patient, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Great… okay.

[ screen:
Anthony Ableton
Hey Dave, just got your email.
CANCEL. REPLY.” ]

[ screen:
“Anthony Ableton
Haven’t heard from U in 5 years.
Rescue Dogs 3D?! Are U 4 real?!
CANCEL. REPLY.” ]

Homeowner: What..? NO!

[ he looks up to see the Pizza Man approach the two burglars ]

Pizza Man: Hey, you guys ordered Pizza Hut? I got your “Rescue Dogs” snack pack.

Burglar #2: [ outraged ] WHAT?! Let’s SHOOT this motherfucker!

Pizza Man: What?!

[ Burglar #1 fires three times and fells the Pizza Man ]

Homeowner: [ gasping at the sight ] Oh, sn– [ he covers his mouth, but it’s too late ]

[ the burglars glance at the sound, spot the Homeowner crouched under his bed, and march inside ]

Burglar #2: Hey! Jim! Hey, Jim!

Homeowner: Wait! Don’t shoot! I didn’t see anything! Just take anything you want!

Burglar #2: Sorry… but no witnesses!

[ suddenly, a loud WOOF echos through the house ]

[ everyone glances as one of the Rescue Dogs steps into the room ]

Homeowner: [ slo-mo ] Rescue Dog?

[ the two burglars stare cautiously, as the Rescue Dog lunges into the air and bites off Burglar #1’s arm ]

[ the Homeowner laughs triumphantly as the burglars rush out of the house ]

[ the Rescue Dog leaps into the air for a high-five ]

Homeowner: Thank you, Rescue Dogs!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

I-Sleep Pro

Businessman…..Kenan Thompson

[Opens with a black businessman entering a hotel room. He puts his bags down, loosens his tie, he’s ready to go to bed in his pajamas]

Announcer: Traveling can be tough. Especially if you find it difficult to sleep in a strange room. You’ve tried white noise machines, but they just don’t work.

[Black businessman tosses and turns in his bed, unable to sleep]

Announcer: That’s why Sharper Image has created the I-Sleep Pro.

[Black businessman holds the little machine up]

Announcer: The I-Sleep Pro not only has a setting for White Noise… but also one for Black Noise.

[Black businessman sets dial on the I-Sleep Pro machine to Black Noise and goes to bed]

Announcer: Now you have the soothing sounds you’re used to. Sounds like muffled Tyler Perry sitcoms.

[ Caption: “Muffled Tyler Perry Sitcoms.” ]

[Black businessman is fast asleep with the muffled sounds]

[2:23 a.m.]

Voice from Sitcom: [muffled] What if he comes in?! What if he comes in?!

Voice: [muffled] I wish tha’ fool wou’ come in!

Announcer: An old lady complaining about foot problems through the wall.

[ Caption: “Old Lady Complaining About Foot Problems.” ]

Voice: [muffled] Lord Jesus! I can’t walk on it no mo’!

Announcer: Bass.

[ Caption: “Bass.” ]

[4:52 a.m.]

[Sounds of muffled rap heavy bass. Thump, thump, thump. Black businessman sleeps like a baby]

Announcer: Domestic arguments.

[ Caption: “Domestic arguments.” ]

Female Voice: [muffled] I told ya’! I don’t know him!

Male Voice: [muffled] You lie!

Announcer: And the movie “Friday”.

Voice of Ice Cube: [muffled] You think he playin’ wit’ you?!

Voice of Chris Tucker: [muffled] Man, that fool ain’t goin’ do nothin’!

Announcer: So you can get the rest you need. And get ready to take on the world.

[Black businessman is all relaxed in his business suit getting ready to leave his hotel room. He smiles.]

Announcer: I-Sleep-Pro. Get the sleep you need.

[I-Sleep-Pro machine next to a wonderful breakfast plate. 7:00 a.m.]

[ Caption: I-Sleep Pro logo. ]

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 9th, 2010

Jane Lynch

Bruno Mars

None

None

None

Ask Gloria AllredSummary: Attorney Gloria Allred (Nasim Pedrad) answers vicious questions critiquing her desperate need to be in the spotlight.

Transcript

Montage

Jane Lynch’s MonologueSummary: Jane Lynch performs her self-written, ego-driven version of a “Glee” theme song.

Damn It, My Mom Is On Facebook FilterSummary: The tool that filters Facebook posts and photos so that moms won’t know what their children are ready up to online.

Transcript

GleeSummary: Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) introduces a new student to the Glee Club — the sadistic prankster Gilly (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Gilly.

The New Boyfriend Talk ShowSummary: Zack (Andy Samberg) interviews skanky mom’s (Jane Lynch) latest boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) over breakfast while celebrating the show’s 100th episode.

Recurring Characters: Gene Simmons.

Transcript

Coven to Elect Christine O’DonnellSummary: Christine O’Donnell (Kristen Wiig) insists that she’s not a witch in her latest campaign ad.

Recurring Characters: Christine O’Donnell.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Gracin (Kristen Wiig) and Peggy Zellers (Jane Lynch) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Gracin.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Therapist (Jane Lynch) keeps inserting herself into patient’s (Andy Samberg) “Relaxation Therapy” session.

Transcript

Returns and ExchangesSummary: To prepare for a movie role, Denzel Washington (Jay Pharoah) works the Returns counter at Macy’s and haggles a customer (Jane Lynch).

Recurring Characters: Denzel Washington.

Transcript

Bruno Mars performs “Just The Way You Are”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mark Zuckerburg (Andy Samberg) admits his impetus for creating Facebook was just to meet girls. Mexican tourism director Miguel Conjeros (Fred Armisen) only wants to talk about the beaches and pretends no to comprehend questions about drugs and border patrols.

The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) is insistent on proving that her old college roommate (Jane Lybch) is still a lesbian.

Recurring Characters: Suze Orman.

Sunday Night FootballSummary: Faith Hill (Jane Lynch) sings a neverending theme song, eventually causing Al Michaels (Jason Sudeikis) and Cris Collinsworth (Bill Hader) to miss the big game.

Recurring Characters: Al Michaels.

Transcript

Bruno Mars performs “Grenade”

Tax MastersSummary: Patrick Cox (Jason Sudeikis) wants to film the company’s commercial from an angle that allows visibility of his tiny twin brother (Fred Armisen) embedded on the side of his head.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Taran Killan) interviews CNN personalities about their channel’s sagging ratings.

Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Larry King.

Man vs. WildSummary: Accident-prone man (Bill Hader) makes a mess while receiving a cooking lesson from a master chef (Jane Lynch).

GrizzliesSummary: A group of moms (Jane Lynch, Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott) raise grizzly bear cubs.

Burl’s PartySummary: Burl (Bobby Moynihan) celebrates losing weight but doesn’t want to get out of his chair.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts