Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
From the Garden with Mr. Produce
Tony Sicilia…..Robert DeNiro
Anthony…..Andy Samberg
[ open on show set, with title graphic on screen ]
Announcer: It’s “From the Garden”, with Mr. Produce himself, Tony Sicilia.
Tony Sicilia: Hi! Hi! Hello, everybody, and welcome to “From the Garden”! I’m Tony Sicilia. It may be December, but my California garden is still teeming with tasty products like these sweet potatoes right here. They’re loaded with Vitamin A, so what do you say we pump up the yams? I’m just gonna cut this yam. [ he slices the yam, revealing a moldy center ] Whoops! It looks like some potato bugs started eating this one already. Uh — [ he tosses the yam scraps over his shoulder ] I’ll cut another one. [ he slices another yam, but it’s also moldy ] Ah, for the love of — Where’s my son? [ he glances off-camera ] ANTHONY! Anthony!
[ Tony’s bored, college-aged son, Anthony, sidles onto camera ]
Tony Sicilia: Did you spray the potatoes last week when I was in New York to do the “Today” show?
Anthony Sicilia: [ angsty ] I don’t know, did I?
Tony Sicilia: It looks as if you did not.
Anthony Sicilia: Is that how it looks?
Tony Sicilia: You should have. [ he tosses the yam scrap over his shoulder ]
Anthony Sicilia: Should I have?
Tony Sicilia: We’ll talk about this later.
Anthony Sicilia: Will we?
Tony Sicilia: [ rubbing Anthony’s head ] Why don’t you skedaddle on out of here so your dad can do his show, okay?
Anthony Sicilia: Is that what I should do? Skedaddle?
[ Anthony squeezes a guava, as Tony shoves him off-camera ]
Tony Sicilia: That, of course, is Anthony, my oldest son who is home from college right now. And he’s been helping me in the garden. [ continuing ] Okay, so another one of my favorite vegetables is the winter squash. This one is a biggie, ’cause you can call it a sas-squash. And the first thing I like to do is to cut these in half, as I am doing. [ he struggles to cut the squash, finally revealing a soggy, moldy center ] Ah, you son of a BITCH! Anthony, you’re killing me! ANTHONY!!
[ Anthony steps forward ]
Tony Sicilia: Did you spray the squash when I asked you to?!
Anthony Sicilia: I don’t know, did I?
Tony Sicilia: Black mealworms have totally invaded this squash!!
Anthony Sicilia: Is that what they’ve totally done? Invaded it?
Tony Sicilia: You need to check your attutide, son.
Anthony Sicilia: Is that what I need to do?
[ Anthony squeezes a roma tomato and exits off-camera ]
Tony Sicilia: [ he tosses the squash scrap over his shoulder ] You know, you miht be racking your brains out at my son who would still be home for Thanksgiving break. It’s a new holiday he invented, called “College is Too Hard That Day”. You know, the way you celebrate it is taking your father’s hard-earned money and wiping your ass with it.
Anthony Sicilia: [ poking in for a moment ] Is that how you celebrate it?
Tony Sicilia: [ throwing vegetables at Anthony off-camera ] I’m gonna… take you on a PLANE… and I’m going to a COUNTRY… where a BEATING… a CHOKING… is ENCOURAGED!!! [ regaining his composure ] You know what else is really delicious? Jerusalem artichokes. And they aren’t really artichokes at all, they’re edible tubers. And these… are like — [ the artichoke crumbles in his hands ] Dry as dust. ANTHONYYY!!!
Anthony Sicilia: What’s up!
Tony Sicilia: I’ll TELL you what’s UP! Did you even water the garden while I was away?!
Anthony Sicilia: I don’t know. Did I do that?
Tony Sicilia: If you answer my questions with a question one more time, I’m gonna shove a TURNIP right up your ying-yang!
Anthony Sicilia: [ shaking his head ] You know what, Dad? You spend all your time nurturing vegetables and running off to the “Today” show… but you NEVER take the time to ask me real questions. Like: “Are you afraid to admit you’re hacing a tough time at college, son?”
Tony Sicilia: [ softening ] Anthony… I didn’t realize!
Anthony Sicilia: Maybe you should ask yourself: “Have you watered your son lately?” “Have you sprayed him so he doesn’t get EATEN ALIVE by the caterpillars of college pressure?”
Tony Sicilia: I’m so sorry!
Anthony Sicilia: [ sobbing ] Is that what you are?
Tony Sicilia: YES!! I am!
[ they hug each other affectionately, then begin to punch and pound each other in the back and practically strangle one another ]
Tony Sicilia: [ to the camera ] Next week, we’ll be talking about CIDER!
Anthony Sicilia: Oh, is that what we’ll be talking about?! Cider?!
Tony Sicilia: Yeah! Come here, you little bastard!!
[ they tumble to the floor to settle the matter ]
[ fade ]
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