Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

TSA

Girl #1…..Kristen Wiig
Girl #2…..Abby Elliott
Girl #3…..Nasim Pedrad
TSA Agent #1…..Kenan Thompson
TSA Agent #2…..Bill Hader
TSA Agent #3…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “The following is a paid advertisement.”

[ dissolve to hazy, soft-porn images of various girls ]

Girl #1: Feeling lonely this holiday season?

Girl #2: Looking for a little human interaction?

Girl #3: Do you want to feel contact in certain… “special” places?

[ dissolve to three TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #1: Then why not go through security at an airport?

[ dissolve to title card: “Transportation Security Administration” ]

V/O: The TSA.

[ dissolve back to the TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #2: TSA agents are ready and standing by to give you a little something extra to feel thankful about this holiday season.

[ the letters “T S A” scroll slowly across a black screen ]

V/O: T-S-A!

[ dissolve to another TSA agent ]

TSA Agent #3: What are you waiting for? [ he snaps a rubber glove onto his hand ] I want to check under your testicles!

[ the letters “T S A” scroll slowly across a black screen ]

V/O: T-S-A!

[ dissolve to seductive angle scrolls of the TSA agents ]

Announcer: Spending time with a TSA agent couldn’t be easier. Simply book a flight departing from any American airport. When selected for a full body scanning, say “No.” You’ll be pulled aside by a TSA agent, and that’s when the fun begins. And you never know who your agent will be.

[ dissolve to tight shots of the girls ]

Girl #3: It could be me.

Girl #2: Or me.

Girl #1: Or even me.

[ cut to the three TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #1: But it’s probably gonna be US! Now TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN SHOE!!!

[ dissolve to title card: “Transportation Security Administration” ]

Announcer: The TSA. It’s our business to touch yours.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

WXPD News

Anchor, Jack…..Jason Sudeikis
Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Maria DeSalvo…..Anne Hathaway
Ricky…..Paul Brittain
Sister…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Anchor: Morning, everyone. Our top story today: Shots were fired last night outside a midtown convenience store, and residents of a 50th Street apartment bilding saw the entire incident. Our own veteran reporter, Herb Welch, is on the scene. And, today he’s celebrating his 60th year in broadcasting.

[ dissolve to Herb Welch on the scene ]

Herb Welch: [ barely conscious ] …Hello, Jack.

Anchor: Hello, Herb — and congratulations! Now, tell us — what’s happening down there?

Herb Welch: I’m here with Maria De — De — Sylvia.

Maria DeSalvo: DeSalvo!

Herb Welch: What?

Maria DeSalvo: Maria De. Salv. O.

Herb Welch: [ he sighs ] Well, I don’t know. Why — why don’t you tell me what happened? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Uh — well, I heard some shooting outside, and, uh, the kids were looking out the windows, so I told them, you know, “Get down!”

Herb Welch: Do you have any, uh, fun plans for, uh, for Turkey Day? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Uh — what?!

Herb Welch: You gonna cook a bird, or, I don’t know, some yams or something?

Maria DeSalvo: Well — [ she flinches in prepration for Herb’s microphone whack ] We go to my Mother’s.

Herb Welch: So there you have it. Back to YOU, Jack!

Anchor: Okay, now, now, now wait a minute, Herb. Why don’t we ask her a little more about the robbery? Like, what time was it?

Herb Welch: What’s that?

Anchor: What TIME was it?

Herb Welch: Oh. Uh — uh — uh — What time is it? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Oh! It’s, like… 10 a.m.

Herb Welch: 10 a.m., Jack. You ought to wear a WATCH! When I was an anchor, I always wore a watch!

Anchor: No, Herb — ask her what time she heard the shots!

Herb Welch: Alright. Well, uh, what time did you hear the shots?

[ he thrusts the microphone toward her nose, but she ducks out of the way ]

Maria DeSalvo: I think it was around 8:30, but — [ Herb thrusts the microphone upward to hit her in the nose, then thumps it on her nose a few times ] No. [ thump ] My — [ thump ] kid — [ thump ] my kid saw everything! Everything!

Herb Welch: Thank you. Take it awaaaaaay, Jack!

Anchor: No, Herb! Herb! It sounds — it sounds like the children may have seen the shooting. Okay? Why don’t we talk to one of them Herb?

Herb Welch: [ shaking his fingers at the camera ] You call me “Mr. Welch!”

Anchor: [ incredulous ] Alright. Alright, Mr. Welch. Ask who SAW the SHOOTING!

Herb Welch: Alright, now. Uh — uh — uh — uh, who saw the shooting?

[ he psyche-thumps the microphone at her a few times ]

Maria DeSalvo: My boy — Ricky! Ricky. [ she points off-screen ]

Herb Welch: Uh — [ he turns around ] Come here. [ he pulls Ricky into frame ] I got him. Now — now — now, what do you want me to do?

Anchor: [ shaking his head ] Ask him what he saw.

Herb Welch: Alright. What did you see? [ he thrusts the microphone against Ricky’s nose ]

Ricky: I saw two guys come runnin’ out of the store, and they jumped into a red car.

Herb Welch: Who’s your favorite baseball player?

Ricky: Uh — what? [ Herb whacks Ricky in the nose with his microphone ] What are you talking — ?

[ Ricky’s sister steps forward ]

Sister: They didn’t jump in a car — they jumped in a van?

Herb Welch: Who are you? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Sister: I’m his sister.

[ Herb repeatedly thumps each kid as they argue during their turn ]

Ricky: Stupid! It was a CAR!

Sister: It was a VAN! You don’t remember!

Ricky: Yeah, I DO!

Sister: No — Ow! Hey!

[ Herb begins to manaically whack each kid with the microphone as their argument escalates ]

Anchor: Herb! Herb! HERB!! Herb, quit hitting them with the microphone!! [ Herb doesn’t stop ] Herb, this is ridiculous!! STOP IT!!!

Herb Welch: What, what?

Anchor: STOP IT!!!

Herb Welch: Hey! I’m not gonna take reporting lessons from some haircut!

Anchor: Oh? Well, maybe you should, because you’re a lousy reporter.

[ Maria runs into frame ]

Maria DeSalvo: Hey… hey! Excuse me, Jack! With all due respect, uh, I don’t think you should yell at Mr. Welch so much. He’s just a little confused, alright?

Herb Welch: That’s right…

Maria DeSalvo: There’s a lot of different apartments before we found him in the hall, but, considering how old he is… he’s doing a pretty good job.

Herb Welch: This broadcast, by the way, is brought to you by Kale’s Brill Creme!

Anchor: [ shaking his head ] No, it’s NOT!

Herb Welch: Son of a bitch!

[ Herb begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]

Anchor: Okay. Okay. Okay, Herb! Alright, this was a BIG mistake! Alright, we apologize to you at home. We’ll follow up on that story later. Coming up: Some local residents are up in arms about asbestos found in their building. [ a paper is handed to him ] Oh, and some… sad news — we’ve jsut received word that veteran reporter, Herb Welch… died five seconds ago.

[ cut to Herb sitting dead on a couch with Maria DeSalvo, with SUPER: “HERB WELCH, 1920-2010” ]

[ suddenly, Herb rises and begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]

Herb Welch: I’m not dead, you bastards!

[ cut to news logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:





Guest Writer:

December 4th, 2010

Robert DeNiro

Diddy Dirty Money

None

Robin Williams

Ben Stiller

Swizz Beatz

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Rob Klein

Paula Pell

Lewis Friedman

WikiLeaks: TMZSummary: Julian Assange (Bill Hader) interrupts a message from President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) to display footage of politicians caught in compromising positions.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Joseph Biden, Muammer Kaddafi.

Transcript

Montage

Robert DeNiro’s MonologueSummary: Although he was born in New York, Robert DeNiro gets all the facts about his hometown confused with other cities.

Transcript

The Abacus ConundrumSummary: Quick-published author Harlan Kane (Robert DeNiro) announces his latest tome — get it now before his next wave of titles are released.

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts Hollywood guests Robert DeNiro, Robin Williams, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

From the Garden with Mr. ProduceSummary: Mr. Produce, Tony Sicilia (Robert DeNiro), is riddled with bug-infested produce because his angst-ridden college son (Andy Samberg) forgot to water the vegetables while he was out-of-town to appear on “The Today Show”.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Harebrained junior executives (Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) arrive at a “Party at Mr. Bernard’s” (Robert DeNiro) to find their host deceased, only to be called out on their stunt to pretend he’s alive so they can score with bodacious babes.

Diddy Dirty Money performs “Coming Home”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Kim (Nasim Pedrad), Khloe (Abby Elliott) and Kourtney Kardashian (Vanessa Bayer) apologize for a failed attempt at issuing their own credit card. “Spider-man: The Musical” actor Ryan Christopher (Andy Samberg) hangs upside-down to relate tales of accidents inflicted upon his predecessors. 1982 aerobics instructor Janet Judy Tran (Kristen Wiig) performs while providing obesity weight-loss tips.

Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian.

Little FockersSummary: Little boy Keith (Bobby Moynhian) is amazed by all the behind-the-scenes personnel working on “Little Fockers”, but is unimpressed by actor Robert DeNiro.

Recurring Characters: Keith.

Transcript

Blizzard ManSummary: Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) and his mother (Robert DeNiro) lay down a track on Diddy’s new album.

Recurring Characters: Blizzard Man.

Transcript

La Rivista Della TelevisioneSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) tries to get guest Robert DeNiro to say the famous line from “Taxi Driver”.

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, Vinny Vedecci’s son, crew members.

Bosley Hair RestorationSummary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.

Note: Repeat from 10a.

Diddy Dirty Money and Swizz Beatz perform “Ass on the Floor”

It’s a LivingSummary: After a stressful day at the office, Calvin (Andy Samberg) wonders who he has to screw to get a drink at the bar, and is surprised to meet the two long-haired drifters (Robert DeNiro, Ben Stiller) who maintain that responsibility.

Transcript

Greetings from American America: I, HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a hippie (Dana Carvey) talks about the good old days while working at McDonald’s.

Note: This cartoon finally airs after being cut from several dress rehearsals this past season.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Don’t Ask, Don’t TellSummary: Sen. John McCain (Bill Hader) and Joseph Lieberman (Fred Armisen) comment on the lifting of the Army’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Recurring Characters: John McCain, Joseph Lieberman.

Feline Culinary CreationsSummary: Succulent gourmet dishes are used as the inspiration for the wet square glop that ends up in finicky cats’ dinner bowls.

Note: This ad parody will air on next week’s episode hosted by Paul Rudd.

Lewis & ClarkSummary: High school history class features a presentation on the story of Lewis & Clark.

TrinaSummary: Trina (Kristen Wiig) yells “Thomas!”

Recurring Characters: Trina.

ChoreographerSummary: A choreography teacher (Robert DeNiro) can’t resist his urge for steak.

Greetings from American America: Girls on a DodgeSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, two girls chat on the back of a Dodge pick-up.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

The Abacus Conundrum

Harlan Kane…..Robert DeNiro

[ open on images of various book covers ]

Announcer: From best selling novelist Harlan Kane, author of “The Medici Codex”, “The Perseus Enigma”, and “The Genghis Rubicon”… comes an all-new thriller that you won’t be able to put down:

[ dissolve to new book cover ]

Announcer: “The Abacus Conundrum”.

[ dissolve to Harlan Kane proudly holding up his new book ]

Harlan Kane: I wrote another book. Buckle up!

[ dissolve to more book covers ]

Announcer: He had you on the edge of your seat, with “The Harlequin Protocol”, “The Ichabod Formula”, and “The Pinochet Sudoku”.

[ dissolve to new book cover ]

Announcer: He’ll blow you over the edge… with “The Abacus Conundrum”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Harlan Kane ]

Harlan Kane: Did you buckle up yet?

[ dissolve to more book covers ]

Announcer: “The Nostradamus Mechanism”, “The Godiva Gyroscope”, “The Pokemon Directive”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Harlan Kane smirking ]

Announcer: And now, Harlan Kane has crafted his most brilliant adventure yet!

[ cut to Harlan Kane jumping from the excitement of reading his own book ]

Harlan Kane: Whoa-oa! [ laughing ] Didn’t see that coming! [ he holds his composure and smirks ]

[ dissolve to more book covers ]

Announcer: The acclaimed visionary behind “The Vespucci Containment”, “The Grimmelman Mosaic”, and “The Marmaduke Betrayal”.

[ dissolve to new book cover ]

Announcer: And now… “The Abacus Conundrum”.

[ cut to Harlan Kane still reading his own book ]

Harlan Kane: A lot of good words in this book.

[ dissolve to more book covers ]

Announcer: AND… in January 2011… get ready for: “The Picasso Imbroglio”, “The Brenda Effect”, “The Fuddruckers Ultimatum”, AND “Mac for Dummies”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Harlan Kane smirking and moving his head around ]

Announcer: ALL from visionary author Harlan Kane!

[ dissolve to new book cover ]

Announcer: “The Abacus Conundrum”.

[ dissolve to Harlan Kane shrugging his shoulders ]

Harlan Kane: I don’t know. People keep reading them!

[ dissolve to new book cover, with “$8.99 at Rite-Aid” tag ]

Announcer: Available EVERYWHERE!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Greetings from American America: I, Hippie

Voice of Hippie…..Dana Carvey

[ SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE & BEYOND THE COMICS presents… ]

[ intercut images within postcard entitled “Greetings from American America” ]

[ psychedelic shapes form into the image of an aged hippie ]

[ title: “I, Hippie” — with Dana Carvey ]

Hippie: I remember getting onboard Ken Kesey’s bus, and we’d drive on down to Big Sur and listen to the music of our time, man! Or some of the latest beat poetry laid down by Jack Kerouac or Ginsberg. We were changing the way it all worked, man! And thumbing our noses at the powers-that-be. And it was beautiful!

[ pull back to reveal that the hippie is standing behind a fast food counter ]

Hippie: Anyhow — Welcome to Burger King. May I take your order, please?

[ credits ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Blizzard Man

Female Studio Exec……Kristen Wiig
Male Studio Exec…..Jason Sudeikis
Himself…..Sean “Diddy” Combs
Studio Engineer…..Kenan Thompson
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Blizzard…..Robert DeNiro

[FADE IN on the exterior of Superhits Studios. FADE inside to the recording studio, where Sean “Diddy” Combs stands behind the engineer and two execs stand across the room.]

Female Studio Exec: Alright Diddy, you’re a week past deadline on this album. I hope you have some good stuff to show us.

Diddy: Don’t worry about it. I got this guy that’s comin’ in that’s crazy; he’s the hottest hook guy in the business.

Male Studio Exec: Oh yeah? Who’s that, Trey Songz?

Diddy: Better.

Female Studio Exec: Bruno Mars?

Diddy: No. Blizzard Man.

Studio Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man. Yeah, I’ve heard of him; legend has it he’s a hip hop hermit.

[The door buzzer goes off]

Diddy: That must be him right there.

[He walks to the door as it opens up. Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a multicolored jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake and hug.]

Blizzard Man: Yo.

Diddy: Blizzy Blaze, my man!

Blizzard Man: What it do?

Diddy: You ready to do this?

Blizzard Man: Wiggity word!

[Blizzard Man removes his jacket, drops it on the floor, and enters the recording booth.]

Diddy: Okay, let’s go

Studio Engineer: [looking a bit confused] So, uh, that’s the Blizzard Man?

Diddy: Yeah, it’s the Blizzard Man. Check this, man; don’t judge a book by its cover. My man is like R. Kelly, Erykah Badu, Kate Hudson all rolled into one.

[Both studio execs nod their heads.]

Male Studio Exec: Mmm-hmm. [smiling] Now you’re speakin my language, Diddy.

Diddy: [bends over toward the microphone] Aight, Blizz; I’m gonna let the beat rock, and you just do your thing baby. Let’s go!

Blizzard Man: Holla back.

[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man starts rocking to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yo, I’m ‘bout to set it! It’s your boy Young Blizz! I’m a just do me! Check my style out!

[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song, rap is the fad that the kids all dig! Fancy duds are what we sport, and when the ladies shake the leg we peek at their buns! Yo, where Brooklyn at? [crosses his arms with a smug look on his face]

Diddy: Woooo! [pumps his fist in the air.] Black class, black fire! Brooklyn’s in the house! I told y’all, that’s my man! He’s crazy!

Studio Engineer: [confused, disgusted look on his face] What? That was awful!

Male Studio Exec: Yeah, yeah.

Female Studio Exec: Yeah that was…that sucked.

Male Studio Exec: It was bad. It sucked bad.

Diddy: Y’all just hatin’. That kid in there, he’s the truth.

[The door buzzer goes off again]

Studio Engineer: Well, who is that?

Blizzard Man: Yo, that’s my Momz.

[The door opens. Enter Mrs. Blizzard – an older woman with a horrendous multicolored shirt, stretch pants, pink shades, and a large gold chain around her neck.]

Mrs. Blizzard: What’s up, snitches?

Diddy: [checking her out] It’s indeed a pleasure to meet you. [kisses her hand and continues to admire her]

Mrs. Blizzard: Oh Diddis, you know a bitch gotta stay dipped!

Diddy: Indeed.

Studio Engineer: [looking very confused] Whaaaat?!

Diddy: Alright, let’s get back to makin’ this smash. [bends over toward the microphone] Hey Blizzy Rock, let’s hit it one more time baby!

[The hip-hop track starts playing once again as Blizzard Man moves to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yo! Uh! Streets want it! Another bad creation! You crazy for this one, MC Scat Cat? Check my style out!

[The beat keeps going, and Blizzard Man once again launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: The city is spooky, but we’re not scared. We hang on the stoop and razz the cops. Then we stuff socks down the front of our jeans, and the gals see the bulge and they think it’s our wang! Yo! No homo. [crosses his arms with a smug look on his face]

Diddy: Woooo!

Studio Engineer: [looking thoroughly agitated] NO!

Diddy: What you talking ‘bout? My boy just killed it in there!

Mrs. Blizzard: Yeah, don’t front on Blitz. He’s…he’s spittin’ hot fire!

Diddy: [turns to Mrs. Blizzard and checks her out once again] No, girl, you the one that’s hot fire. You wasn’t my man’s mom, I’d tear that ass up.

Mrs. Blizzard: Thank you! [turns around and grinds against Diddy with her rear-end]

[The male studio exec can’t believe what he’s hearing / seeing.]

Female Studio Exec: Ummm, you must be really proud of your son?

Mrs. Blizzard: Oh yes indeed. He’s a roughneck who gets his thug on, and he looks like a young Denzel.

[CUT to Blizzard Man in the booth; he has a moronic, blank stare on his face and his mouth hangs open.]

Studio Engineer: Man, he looks like he’s going to the bathroom!

Diddy: Alright alright, one more time. [bends towards the microphone] Blizz Nasty, come on, I want you to really put it on ‘em this time. Let’s go!

[Hip-hop track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo! Bad boy is in the buildin’! We run New York! Diddy and Blizzy! Nineteen ninety FORK!

Studio Engineer: [to Diddy] Ninety fork?

Blizzard Man: Yo, parents don’t understand! Hungry like the wolf! Check my style out!

[Blizzard Man once again launches into his terrible, off-beat / off-key rap. As he raps, the camera CUTS to the studio execs and the engineer – all with horrified looks on their faces.]

Blizzard Man: New York is a heck of a town. We all talk funny ‘cuz we’re from the streets. We shoot the crud and drink malted beers, and wear novelty chains of enormous size. This song needed pizzazz; I’m makin’ it cook with my velvety pipes.

[Diddy and Mrs. Blizzard begin dancing; bumping and grinding to the music.]

Blizzard Man: The glare from our diamonds are so dang bright that I lose my stomach and barf on the stool. Doop doop doobidy doop boop a doop…

Male Studio Exec: Well congratulations, Diddy. I think you got yourself another hit.

Diddy: As I told y’all, we going straight to the top with this one baby. Yeeah!

[FADE to a Daily Press newspaper headline which reads, “NEW DIDDY SONGS HITS #1: BLIZZARD MAN’S MOM TO APPEAR ON THE COVER OF ‘KING’ MAGAZINE.” HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Nick F.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Little Fockers

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Denise…..Nasim Pedrad
Keith…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Robert DeNiro
Schedule Boy…..Paul Brittan
Pat…..Bill Hader
…..Ben Stiller

[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ]

[ dissolve to interior stage ]

Director: Well, that’s a wrap for the day. Nice work, everyone. “Little Fockers” is going to be great.

[ the crew disperses ]

Denise: Hey, James.

Director: Hey, Denise. How you doing?

Denise: Well, remember when I told you about my thirteen-year old nephew Keith?

Director: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s a big fan, right?

Denise: He LOVED “Meet the Parents”, he LOVED “Meet the Fockers” — he’s OBSESSED! [ she laughs ] Would it be okay if I showed him around?

Director: Yeah, of course! Where is he?

Denise: Oh…

[ she looks around to see Keith shyly peeking out from behind a side wall ]

Denise: He’s a little shy! Come on!

Director: Hey, it’s okay, buddy. Come on out.

Keith: It’s okay?

Director: Yeah.

Keith: It’s okay?

Denise: It’s okay, Sweetie. Come on!

[ Keith shyly steps further onto the stage ]

Keith: Wow! [ he laughs ] This is where they’re making “Little Fockers”!

Director: Yeah, that’s right, kiddo. Hey, check it out! This right here? This is the camera.

Keith: WHAT?!! [ he laughs ] The REAL one?!

Director: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead — look through it.

Keith: [ peeking through the lens ] WOOOWWW!!

Director: Pretty cool, huh?

Keith: Wow!

[ Charles the Caterer enters ]

Director: And, hey — Charles! This is Charles right here. [ Charles steps forward ] Charles runs craft services for us. Charles is in charge of all the food on the set.

Keith: [ amazed ] REALLY?!! On the REAL “Fockers” set?!

Charles: Yeah, that’s right. Here — help yourself to some candy, little man.

Keith: WHAT?!! HA HA HA HA!! NO WAY!! [ he digs in ]

[ Charles high-fives Keith ]

Keith: Wow!

[ Robert DeNiro enters ]

Robert DeNiro: Ah! I hear we have a special visitor on the set.

Denise: Oooooh! Honey! Honey, you really lucked out! Look who’s here! It’s Robert DeNiro!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, kid!

Keith: [ calmly, uninterested ] Hello.

Robert DeNiro: I hear — I hear you’re a big “Fockers” fan!

Keith: [ nodding silently ] Yeah… yeah, I am.

Robert DeNiro: [ taken aback ] Well, you don’t seem…

Keith: [ shaking his head ] What? I-I don’t seem what?

Robert DeNiro: Nothing. Forget it.

Keith: [ shrugs ] Okay.

[ the Schedule Boy enters ]

Schedule Boy: Hey, everyone. I’ve got tomorrow’s schedule.

Keith: [ excited ] WHAT?!! The REAL one?!!

Schedule Boy: Yeah. You want a copy?

Keith: Oh, to KEEP?!!

Schedule Boy: Yeah.

Keith: OH!! It’s okay?!!

Denise: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keith, calm down, Sweetie. [ to DeNiro ] I’m sorry — he’s just really into movies and movie culture.

Robert DeNiro: Oh, is that so?

Keith: [ calmly ] Yes, it is.

[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously ]

[ Pat enters ]

Denise: Oh! And, honey, look — it’s Pat! He takes care of all the make-up!

Keith: WHAAATT?!! ALL OF IT?!!

Pat: [ feyly ] Actually, I just take it off!

Keith: [ laughing excitedly ] But, STILL!!

Robert DeNiro: Come on! You’re impressed by Pat?!

Pat: HEY!!

Robert DeNiro: His whole job is to make ME look good.

Keith: Well… where was he when you made “Analyze That”?

[ crew members stand silent, hoping the moment will pass ]

[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously again ]

Denise: I’m… so sorry, Mr. DeNiro. He’s a HUGE movie fan. He’s just not really interested in actors.

[ suddenly, Ben Stiller enters ]

Ben Stiller: Hey! Who’s this?

Keith: OH, MY GOD!! BEN STILLER!! AAGGGHHH!! [ he runs up to Stiller, pushing DeNiro aside ] Get out of the way! [ hugging Stiller ] I LOVE your movies!

Ben Stiller: Oh, thanks, man!

Robert DeNiro: Alright. Okay, okay, okay. ‘Cause of all our kids’ movies, yeah.

Ben Stiller: Which one’s your favorite?

Keith: “Permanent Midnight”. [ to DeNiro ] Now, THAT’S how you do Drama.

[ Stiller smiles smugly as DeNiro fumes ]

Denise: Well, we should go!

Robert DeNiro: Wait, wait! Don’t leave. I’ll do some lines from the movie for you. I’ll even do some of Ben’s lines!

Director: No, hey, come on, dude. [ DeNiro resists ] You’re an icon, you don’t need to do this.

Robert DeNiro: What? Give me a chance. Come on!

Ben Stiller: Let it go, man. Seriously, let it go.

Denise: Sweetie, let’s take a picture with everyone!

Keith: [ excited ] It’s okay?! Wowwww! [ he wraps his arm around Stiller, then pushes his copy of the schedule in front of DeNiro’s face ]

Denise: Cheese!

Keith: Cheeeeeese!

[ the picture is snapped and revealed as a still image ]

[ pull back on the stage shot, then pan over to the SNL House Band ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Goodnights

…..Robert DeNiro

[ dissolve to the Home Base stage ]

[ Robin Williams, behind DeNiro, yells out, prompting most of the others onstage to yell along with him ]

Robert DeNiro: My thanks… to Diddy Dirty Money, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller! [ Diddy leans in to kiss DeNiro on the cheek ] Lorne, Steve, the cast and crew! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

It’s a Living

Calvin…..Andy Samberg
Tristan…..Jason Sudeikis
Bartender…..Taran Killan
Drifter #1…..Robert DeNiro
Drifter #2…..Ben Stiller

[ open on exterior, Mullins Bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Calvin and Tristan step up to the bar ]

Calvin: Agh! That was the most stressful day of my life, man!

Tristan: Yeah. It sounds like it. Well, uh, the first one’s on me, alright?

Calvin: Alright. [ to the bartender ] Excuse me? Bartender?

[ the Bartender extends a passing glance, then completely rebuffs him ]

Tristan: Oh! The bartenders here are the WORST.

Calvin: Yeah. This always happens, you know? Like, who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?

[ Drifter #1 ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Me.

Calvin: I’m sorry… what?

Drifter #1: You asked: “Who do I have to screw to get a drink?” The answer is ME!

Tristan: Yeah, but — [ he laughs ] That’s just a figure of speech! Right?

Drifter #1: No! It’s not.

Calvin: [ he shrugs ] Man… this is gonna SUCK!

Tristan: Wait — no! Calvin! You’re not actually considering doing this?

Calvin: I really want a drink, man!

Tristan: WHAT?! Will you LOOK at him?!

Calvin: What? He’s not all that bad. I mean… he kind of looks like Gandolf.

Tristan: Yeah — no! I-I-I can SEE that, but you can NOT do this!

Calvin: Hey, Tristan? You’re acting like a real SQUARE! Now, SAVE my spot, ’cause I’m about to go score a drink!

[ Calvin takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]

[ SUPER: “7 HOURS LATER” ]

[ Calvin emerges weak-kneed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a beer ]

Tristan: Well?

Calvin: NOT worth it!

Tristan: Yeah. Alright.

[ the Drifter ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Hey, sport, look — sorry it took so long in there.

Calvin: Yeah…

Drifter #1: It’s just, uh, that I find you SO unattractive. It took me while to, you know, “get” there. But, you gotta admit, when I got there… I really GOT there!

Calvin: Yeah. Thank you.

Drifter #1: [ he looks at Tristan ] Hey, there. Sport! You thirsty?

Tristan: No. I’m good. Thank you, though.

Drifter #1: You sure? How about just a shot of something?

Tristan: [ trying to resist ] Aw, dammit! …DAMMIT! It HAS been a stressful day. Just a shot?

Drifter #1: Just a shot.

Tristan: Alright, let’s go.

[ the Drifter offers his hand ]

Tristan: Aw, that’s nice!

[ Tristan takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]

[ SUPER: “6 1/2 HOURS LATER” ]

[ Tristan emerges dazed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a shot ]

Calvin: So?

Tristan: [ chugs his shot ] It was BAD! Not a fun time. No, it was HORRIBLE!

[ the Drifter ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Hey, Sport.

Tristan: Ah, hey.

Drifter #1: I — I-I — I gotta apologize. I took forever in there. Both of you guys are just CRAP ugly!

Tristan: Okay, yeah! I’d rather not talk about it.

Drifter #1: Hey, what’s with the attitude? I’m just doing my thing.

Calvin: No, buddy, it’s not even really you.

Tristan: Yeah. No, the real problem is your friend back there.

[ a second drifter emerges from the broom closet ]

Drifter #2: Hey, guys. Ready for Round Two?

Calvin: The guy’s INSATIABLE!

Drifter #2: That was a nice little rehearsal, but I think we need to bump it UP a notch. [ he rubs his goatee ] I’m gonna need WAY more eye contact!

[ Calvin and Tristan think it over ]

Calvin: Well… he does have really nice eyes.

Tristan: He has GORGEOUS eyes!

Calvin: Yeah.

Drifter #1: One more round?

Calvin: Was there ever a doubt?

[ the Drifter extends his hand ]

Drifter #1: This one’s on me!

[ Drifter #2 extends both of his hands and flexes his fingers ]

Calvin: Eeeuuggh!! What are you doing!

[ they all exit into the broom closet together ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Robert DeNiro’s Monologue

…..Robert DeNiro
Audience Member #1…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member #3…..Rob Klein

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Robert DeNiro!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Robert DeNiro: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank — okay, okay, okay, SHUT UP! [ the audience laughs and quiets down ] It’s GREAT to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m hoping this will really kickstart my movie career. And it’s a real thrill to be with all of you here tonight — in NEW YORK CITY!! [ wild applause ] There are millions of tourists, this time of year. But they don’t get to see the REAL New York — the New York I know. Because this is MY town. No one knows the city better than ME. New York, New York. The City of Angels. Home of the Golden Gate Bridge! I love grabbing some famous New York ribs and catching a show at Epcot Center. It’s New York, baby! Just think — 1,000 people in one city. From all foreignicities. I mean, it’s truly a melting basket. And that’s why we have neighborhoods like Chinatown, Frenchworld, and Amish Paradise. Because it’s New York, U.S.A.!

Audience Member #1: Uh, excuse me? Yeah, I think you might have a couple of your facts wrong.

[ DeNiro stares him down ]

Audience Member #1: I’m so sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: New York City. Land of a Thousand Lakes! And, as they say here in New York: “Forget about… this!” And in New York, we don’t do anything halfway. That’s why we have the tallest building in the world — the Taj Mahal!

Audience Member #2: Hey, excuse me? Have you even been to New York before?

Robert DeNiro: Sal, could you please..?

[ a couple of bodyguards remove Audience Member #2 from the audience ]

Audience Member #2: Hey!

Robert DeNiro: This is New York, baby! Land of the Free, Home of the Atlanta Braves! You know, I still go back to my old neighborhood sometimes — 500 Street. And I visit my old performing arts school where it all began — Hogwart’s.

Audience Member #3: Alright, Mr. DeNiro — I think we’ve all heard enough!

Robert DeNiro: Oh, really? Have we? Are you sure? Sal? Give him that thing.

[ DeNiro’s bodyguards hand the audience member a blood-soaked cloth, then unwrap it to reveal a severed horse’s head ]

Audience Member #3: I’m sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: Obviously… I’m just messing with you guys. It’s what New Yorkers do. The truth is, I love New York City and it’s great to be here hosting the BEST show in New York — “Friday Night Lights”! We got a great show for you tonight. Diddy Dirty Money is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts