Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
]]>
11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
…..Gov. Jon Huntsman
…..Kermit the Frog
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Two new polls show that Newt Gingrich has gained ground in recent days, and has now passed Mitt Romney. It’s surprising, because if there’s one thing I assumed Gingrich would be bad at… it’s catching up with people.
It was reported this week that Newt Gingrich received consulting fees between $1.6 and $1.8 million from mortgage lenders Freddie Mac, who many conservatives blame for the crash of the economy. C’mon, Newt, a Republican who supported Freddie Mac has as much chance of getting elected as a Democrat who extended the Bush tax cuts, kept Guantanamo open, or took money from Wall Street, or… [ he sees President Barack Obama’s photo ] You know what, Newt? I dont know, Im not gonna count you out yet.
Herman Cain, this week, became the first Republican Presidential candidate to receive Secret Service protection, after he filed a request with the Department of Homeland Security. Because it’s dangerous out there for Cain: you never know when some lunatic might walk right up out of the crowd and ask him a question.
During an interview this week, Herman Cain froze for nearly a minute when he was asked a question about Libya. Apparently, he couldn’t remember if Libya was the blonde or the brunette.
This week, police and protestors clashed after Mayor Bloomberg ordered that Zuccotti Park be cleared. And for those of you who have it TIVO’d, I won’t spoil who won the fight between the guys armed with riot shields and batons and the guys armed with bongos and trail mix.
Seth Meyers: Election season is heating up, with the first of the nation’s New Hampshire primary only eight weeks away. One candidate focusing on New Hampshire is former Utah governor Jon Huntsman, who, this week, made his 100th appearance in the state. Here to comment on how his campaign is going — Gov. Jon Huntsman. [ the audience cheers him on ] Uh — it’s great to have you, Governor.
Jon Huntsman: Thanks for having me, Seth.
Seth Meyers: You know, I’d like to start with something you never get to hear in the debates: Gov. Huntsman, the first question is for you. Isn’t it true that, nationally, you’re currently polling in the low single digits?
Jon Huntsman: It is true, Seth. But only a few months ago, I was polling at “margin of error”. So to have any digital — at all — is a pretty big deal.
Seth Meyers: Alright. I’d say that’s a pretty positive attitude.
Jon Huntsman: I’m a positive guy, Seth, and I feel really positive about the future of this country.
Seth Meyers: Now, you seem to be putting all of your eggs in one basket in New Hampshire. Are you worried you might alienate the rest of the country?
Jon Huntsman: Seth… I love all of America. From Dallas, Texas… to Manchester, New Hampshire. From the majestic Rocky Mountains to New Hampshire’s scenic Lake Winnipesaukee. From the innovation of Silicon Valley to the affordable outlet malls in North Conway, New Hampshire.
Seth Meyers: Yeahhhh. I can’t help but notice you keep mentioning places from New Hampshire.
Jon Huntsman: Well… it’s not on purpose, Seth. I would never tie myself to one state. I like to spread my wings and fly, like the purple finch.
Seth Meyers: Which is, of course, the state bird of New Hampshire?
Jon Huntsman: You know a lot about New Hampshire, Seth.
Seth Meyers: I’m from New Hampshire!
Jon Huntsman: Well… that makes sense. Because you’re kind and good-looking — classic New Hampshire!
Seth Meyers: Governor Huntsman, as a product of New Hampshire, I can tell you that we do not fall for easy compliments.
Jon Huntsman: That’s because you are as wise as a Dartmouth professor.
Seth Meyers: Alright! You know, you can’t just Wikipedia your way to the White House, okay?
Jon Huntsman: Fair enough, Seth. In that case, I just hope that the good people of yours and every state will listen to what I say in the upcoming debates. I think they’ll like it.
Seth Meyers: Well, thank you so much for coming.
Jon Huntsman: [ coolly ] Are your parents registered voters?
Seth Meyers: Uh — my Mom’s a Democrat, and my father’s an Independent.
Jon Huntsman: Say “Hi” to your dad for me.
Seth Meyers: Alright. Gov. Jon Huntsman, everyone!
The National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute is recommending that children be tested for high cholesterol before they reach puberty. The test is simple: You just ask the child their name and if they can’t answer because their mouth is full of bacon, they have high cholesterol.
Religious leaders in Saudi Arabia are warning women with “tempting eyes” that they must cover them up or face punishment — a warning that doesn’t really concern Salimah. [ reveal phot of Saudi women with one eye larger than the other ]
In hopes of finding a new source of revenue, North Korea, this week, opened its borders to limited tour groups. However, tourists cannot bring mobile devices, they must restrict their movement, and have to avoid even the most casual contact with daily life. Also, you gotta be cool with getting kidnapped forever. You gotta be cool with that!
A man in New York State, who was wearing a T-shirt reading “I’m a Drunk”, was arrested for driving while intoxicated after he crashed into a police car. So score one for judging books by their cover!
A school in Canada has banned all game balls, including soccer balls and baseballs, because the principal thinks they’re causing too many injuries. The safety-minded principal also asked that the custodian install a hinge in the see-saw.
A man in New Hampshire was charged with reckless conduct, after his gun went off while he was cleaning it and the bullet struck his wife. Whether he’s convicted or not, he will be sentenced to a lifetime of being reminded about that time you shot me! Do you remember that? So, yeah, I dont think I spent too much for that purse… because of the time you shot me.
According to a new report, male spiders sometimes “pay” for mating, with bits of flower, cotton, and ant husks. However, a sizeable chunk of those payments end up going to Ramon. [ reveal photo of pimped-out spider ]
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Congress rejected new USDA guidelines for school lunches, that would have increased the amount of fresh vegetables and fruit in cafeterias, and instead declared that the tomato paste on pizza qualified it as a vegetable. These new nutritional standards bring us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Kermit”.
Kermit the Frog: Thank you! Thank you, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Are you ready? I am ready!
Seth Meyers: Really? Yes!
Seth Meyers: Really, Congress? Now cafeteria pizza qualifies as a vegetable? Cafeteria pizza barely qualifies as a pizza! It has the same nutritional value as the tray it’s served on. And if pizza’s a vegetable now, what’s broccoli — penicillin? I mean, REALLY!?! If pizza is a vegetable, what’s a fruit salad — Twizzlers and a grape soda? Really!?!
Seth Meyers: Really!?! And just wait — it won’t be long before eating French fries will count as taking French! Really! You know, maybe we should just change the National Anthem to the Hot Pockets jingle. I mean, Really!?!
Seth Meyers: Really!?! And, really, for what it’s worth, tomato paste makes up only 31% of the tomato sauce. The other ingredients include: potassium sorbate, citric acid, and tri-calcium phosphate. That’s not a vegetable, that’s a Chemistry quiz! I mean… REALLY!?!
Seth Meyers: Really! And, Congress: Do you not think childhood obesity is a problem? 1 out of 5 four-year olds in this country are obese! On Halloween, a kid came to my door dressed as a pirate — I thought he as supposed to be Dom DeLuise! Really! Kids are FAT! If you don’t believe me, go down to your local playground and count the number of broken swings! Oh, yeah…
Seth Meyers: Those puppies are going down left and right! Yes, and have you been down to the town pool? Those aren’t swimsuits, those are SAUSAGE CASINGS! Really? I’m really gonna be in trouble for that one later…
Seth Meyers: Why? [ it hits him ] Oh! Right! And really, Congress? I mean, it’s your JOB to look out for children, you know?
Seth Meyers: But you didn’t. No.
Seth Meyers: Worst of all, food companies spent over $5 million lobbying against tighter nutritional restrictions, which means, in this case, Congress was nothing more than a PUPPET to the food industry! [ to Kermit ] No offense. Oh, that’s okay — I’m not a puppet, I’m a Muppet!
Seth Meyers: Oh? What’s the difference? Uh, well, a puppet is actually controlled by a person, whereas I am an actual talking frog.
Seth Meyers: Oh. Yeah.
Seth Meyers: Really? Really!
Seth Meyers: Huh!
Announcer: [ over title card ] This has been Really!?! with Seth and Kermit”.
Warner Brothers has announced that it is starting production on a Legos movie — but good luck finishing it without this. [ he holds up a long Lego block ]
IHOP, this week, opened a new version of their restaurant called IHOP Express, that is now self-service and an interactive syrup bar. This is great news for anyone who loves eating at IHOP, but hates putting up with all the pageantry.
A man in California, who was high on crystal meth, was arrested after he killed and ate a wild bobcat. Which is a shame, because, up to that point, it had been a lovely bar-mitzvah.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night! [ he throws the Lego block at the camera ]
Air Date:
Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) lists all the people and institutions who are actually more powerful than he is.
Summary: Steve Buscemi tackles questions from audience members who work as stereotypical character actors but would like to evolve their craft into lead roles.
Summary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.
Summary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) welcomes fellow pothead Jeff (Steve Buscemi) to the show, until Billy Ray Cyrus (Jason Sudeikis) brings in Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) to perform an intervention.
Summary: Commissioner Jim Gordon (Steve Buscemi) is repeatedly flustered by Batman’s (Andy Samberg) unannounced appearances in his personal affairs.
Summary: Keith Morrison (Bill Hader) revels in the misery of the Mystery of the Chopped Up Guy.
Summary: Central University’s Head Coach (Jason Sudeikis) makes it clear that basketball coach Bert (Steve Buscemi) is not a pedophile, but it’s hardly a ringing endorsement.
Summary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) announces that he’s suspending his presidential campaign and makes excuses for his marital indiscretions. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) gives advice on how to deal with family members during the holidays.
Summary: Playskool manager (Steve Buscemi) wants to surprise Sandra (Vanessa Bayer) with a promotion, but can co-worker Sue (Kristen Wiig) hold herself together without spoiling the surprise?
Summary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex to help couples spice up their marriage in the bedroom and in the kitchen.
Summary: A man (Steve Buscemi) shows off his favorite Christmas ornaments, while ditZy Sheila (Kristen Wiig) decorates the tree.
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.
Summary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) speaks with Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond), who’s disappointed that only Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg) and Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) are interested in participating in a Republican debate to be moderated by him.
Summary: Katy Perry admits that her weird wardrobe choices are based on people she knew growing up, like hair salon/bakery owner Janet Frankel (Kristen Wiig), ugly model Kathy-Beth Kerry (Andy Samberg), and fireworks victim Tom (Bill Hader), and they all want to kiss her.
Summary: Japan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with Hello Kitty-obsessed Kirstie Davenport (Katy Perry).
Summary: In a spoof of “Valentine’s Day” and “New Year’s Eve”, thousands of celebrities participate in a romantic-comedy set during the Apocalypse.
Summary: Finland talk show host Kalle Jakkolla (Kristen Wiig) interviews Katy Perry, but flusters the pop singer with an extensive use of clips provided by her show’s crack research team.
Summary: Andy Samberg sings about being “Best Friends” with Katy Perry, a drug addict (Matt Damon), a brilliant lunatic (Val Kilmer), and a host of famous people from the past.
Summary: Assorted musical acts perform various tracks from the soundtrack to “Doggie Duty”.
Summary: Flirting expert Rebecca Larue (Kristen Wiig) sluts herself out to land a piece of Seth Meyers. Captain Steve Rogers (Alec Baldwin) makes a clumsy apology for having actor Alec Baldwin kicked off an American Airlines flight for playing a game of his cell phone earlier in the week. Stefon (Bill Hader) outlines the hottest nightclubs for families seeking the ultimate New York experience at Christmastime.
Summary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) beleaguer Kate Middleton (Abby Elliott) for not yet being pregnant with Prince William’s (Andy Samberg) child, but take a liking to the hooligan nature of her sister Pippa Middleton (Katy Perry).
Summary: Amateur television personality Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) misses all his cues while talking politics with Kelly O’Donnell (Katy Perry) and Jim VandeHei (Taran Killam).
Summary: Becky (Katy Perry) enters a piano bar in search of a soulmate and finds Mike (Bobby Moynihan), with whom she has absolutely everything in common with, and decides to marry him immediately.
Summary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Kate Olsen (Katy Perry), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Bjork (Kristen Wiig).
Summary: Tommy Palmese (Fred Armisen) alienates his audience with his personal in-your-face one-man off-off-Broadway show.