Category: 2013

SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 03/29/14: Chris for President



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 16














13p: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

Chris for President

Chris Fitzpatrick…..Kyle Mooney

[ open to choppy video of Chris Fitzpatrick at high school ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: What’s up, everybody? I’m Chris Fitzpatrick, and I’m running for ASB Class President.

[ cut to animated title card ]

[ random shot of Chris jumping ]

[ random shot of car crash ]

[ random shot of Chris lunging toward the camera ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: One thing I want to change is the music they play at lunch. All I ever hear is rap music and that bubblegum boy-band crap like Christina Crapulera. If I’m elected President, I’m gonna play good-ass music: Subverted Consciousness, Temporary Flawed, One Last Breath, all those bands. Plus, I know some of those guys in the band, so I can probably get them to play our school.

[ random shot of soldiers marching ]

[ random shot of riot fire ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: Just because you get good grades doesn’t mean you’re smart. I’m actually really smart, but I don’t do good at tests and pop quizzes ’cause I have concentration issues.

[ over graphics ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: When I was in middle school, I wrote 28 poems. But now, since I’m in high school, I’ve written over 60. I want to put together a collection of my poems, and then I want to sell them to everybody. But if you vote for me, you get a discount.

[ random shot of guy in death mask ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: We need more clubs. Maybe a movie club, where we watch actually good movies like “Lock, Stock and Kids”, stuff like that. Or maybe a guitar based drum club, or a CD club where you make CDs and stickers.

[ random Getty Images footage of police chase ]

[ randm shot of Chris sticking his tongue out ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: My girlfriend Allie doesn’t go to our school, ’cause she lives in a different zoning area than Kentwood. But if you elect me President, Allie’s allowed to go to our school.

[ random shots of Chris jumping a railing and trying to climb a fence ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: Vending machines. We need MORE of ’em! Hell, if I’m President, I’ll even spke the water fountain with vodka.

[ random Gettys Image of a police arrest ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: A little bit about me: I have a dog at home — He’s a part GErman shephard, and his name is Sammy. I don’t like extra stuff on my hamburgers, just plain, no vegetables or pickles. I’m a simple guy. I also lost my virginity at 16, but had done other stuff before that. I’m friends with Blacks, Asians and Mexicans. I don’t see color when I look at a person, but no offense, whites make the best music.

[ random shot of Chris hopping down stadium steps ]

[ random shot of Chris smoking a cigarette ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: So vote for me as ASB Class President. And don’t vote Daniel Nguyen, ’cause he’s never even smoked a cigarette.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 03/29/14: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 16




13p: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

Goodnights

…..Louis C.K.

Louis C.K.: How good was Sam Smith, everybody? I want to thank Lorne for bringing me back. I had a wonderful week. I want to thank everybody on the floor here — Jenna and Wally and everybody — Phil, who lights this place this place so beautifully. This is a great group, and how about this cast? What a great cast! The writers — They’re working hard, and they made a great show and I’m very grateful to be here. Uh — Thank you very much, everybody, for being here, also. Good night, thank you.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 03/29/14: Louis C.K.’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 16






13p: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

Louis C.K.’s Monologue

…..Louis C.K.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.!

[ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ]

Louis C.K.: Well, thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow! Wow, thank you! Thanks! That’s very nice, I hope somebody does that for you some day. That was a very nice thing. I hope you had a nice day. All I can do about it is hope. I had a pretty good day — I went out shopping for some things I needed… and now I on’t need them, ’cause I’ve got them. I got a white noise machine. Do you know what those are, a white noise machine? That’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night. Because, uh, you should be able to.

I’m a little hungry. I mean, I feel hungry. I think that’s what… Americans shouldn’t say “I’m hungry,” they should say “I feel hungry.” If you ate today, you shouldn’t say “I’m hungry.” Hunger’s a real thing. I don’t have “third world” hunger. I have “first” world hunger. I would like a donut. Some people say “I’m starving.” That’s offensive! [ mimicking ] “I’m STARVING! I haven’t eaten since TWO, I’m STARVING!” Don’t say that! Because some people ARE starving, and THEY don’t say it! You never see a little kid in Africa with his ribs showing, he’s like, “I’m STARVING right now! I’m like literally starving TO DEATH! It’s, like, ANNOYING!”

I have two kids. I went to my daughter’s play the other day. I don’t know if you have a kid, but there’s no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child’s play… is over. It’s just… nothing feels that good, when you can say “I’m not watching that ANY LONGER!” Now, every second my daughter’s on stage, I can’t breathe because I’m so proud of her… but this is a bad show. They worked really hard and it didn’t make it good.

I’m glad I’m raising a girl, though, because boys are, uh… uh… I don’t like boys! That’s probably a good thing, you’d say! I don’t like boys! I don’t! I mean, I don’t think women are better than men, uh… but I do think that men are worse than women. Like, I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, “What happened?” He goes: “Well, I guess I, uh… I guess I said something, and, uh… and then she got her FEELINGS HURT!” That’s a weird way to phrase it: “She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then sheeee…” Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? “She got her feelings hurt.” It’s like saying, “Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don’t know what happened. He leaned into it.”

I’ve never been murdered. I’m gonna die someday, I accept that. I don’t know what happens afterward. Some people say that they;re going to Heaven: “I’m totally going to Heaven!” By the way this is the only voice that I’m gonna do. It’s the only voice I have. I can’t, like, do impressions. For instance, this is my impression of the President: “I’m the first Black president!. I’m literally the first Black president.” I don’t know, do you guys think there’s a Heaven? Clap your hands if you think you’re going to Heaven. [ the audience claps wildly ] You think you’re to Heaven?

Girl: Yes.

Louis C.K.: Really? How old are you?

Girl: 21.

Louis C.K.: 21… and you’re a LOCK for Heaven already? You’ve been a grown-up for three years and you couldn’t possibly make a mistake. Well, good luck!

Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God… but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey, God!” And he’s like, “Yeah?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a whole universe, and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy DICKS down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this ROOM with me now!” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it, I’ve been here since 1983!” Or whenever… I don’t know when God started, but…

I’m not religious! I don’t know if there’s a God, but that’s all I can say, honestly, is I don’t know! Some people think that they know that there isn’t. That’s a weird thing to think you can know. “Yeah, there’s no God!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah — No, there’s no God!” “How do you know?” “Because I didn’t see him!” “How do you –? There’s a VAST universe! You can see for about a hundred yards when there’s not a building in the way! How could you possibly –? Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom, where he goes sometimes?” “I haven’t seen him!” “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen “Twelve Years a Slave” yet, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! I’m just gonna wait until it comes on cable!”

I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story if he’s our father and we’re his children. That’s it. “Our Father who art in Heaven.” Where’s our Mother? What happened to our Mom? What did he do to our Mom? Something happened. Somewhere in Heaven, there’s a porch with a dead lady under it and I want this story! Somebody’s gotta check the trum of God’s car… for bleach and rope and fibers. How can we not have a Mother?! At least, maybe God’s divorced. Maybe he has an ex-wife. God’s a single dad and he’s raising us alone… and we’re prsying, and he’s like, “I’M TRYING!! It’s just ME up here!!” Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe your life is your time — This is our weekend with Dad. That’s what life is… is your weekend… and then when you die, you go to Mom’s house.

It makes sense that God would be a woman, doesn’t it? Because you’re raised by your mom. I think the reason we made God a man in our culture is because we want to make sense of the fact that men are in charge. ‘Cause otherwise it doesn’t really make any sense, because women — you start with a woman. It’s that thing people like to ask me: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Of course it’s the egg! Because you can’t just make a chicken. You can’t just go: “CHICKEN!” You gotta start with an egg and then grow a chicken. But then, people say, “Well, where did the egg come from?” From a chicken, you idiot!

The point is: Women birthed us, women raised us. So why aren’t they running things? I think I know why. I think it’s because, millions of years ago, women were in charge, and they were mean, they were horrible! They made us walk around naked, and then they’d laugh at you and flick your penis when you walk by… They were AWFUL! But what could you do? It’s your Mom and her friends, like what could you possibly do about it? And then one guy punched his mom, and we’re like: “We can hit them!” And then we did the whole thing.

But that’s why men are mean to women today, because we’re TERRIFIED of them. That’s why we didn’t give women the right to vote until 1920. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building who are older than American democracy. That’s how… women had to have a rough time. It was SO okay to beat your wife until so recently, that today we have a kind of shirt named after it! There’s a piece of clothing in our country, affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife! And, for some reason, this is offensive to NOBODY! I saw a woman on “Good Morning, America!”, and she was saying, “So I was walking around my house in a wifebeater…” I’m like, “Stop SAYING that!! It’s HORRIBLE!! “I’m wearing a wifebeater and child murder shorts…” Che-e-e-eck!!

We have a GREAT show — Sam Smith is here! Stick around! WE’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


April 5th, 2014

Anna Kendrick

Pharrell Williams

None

Lorne Michaels

Icona Pop

Hans Zimmer

None
GM HearingsSummary: General Motors CEO Mary Barra (Kate McKinnon) remains vague about her company’s recent ignition switch recall.

Montage

Anna Kendrick’s MonologueSummary: Anna Kendrick and the cast perform a Broadway-style medley about how excited she is to host “SNL”.

Transcript

Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocey (Taran Killam), Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) and Elizabeth Hasselback (Vanessa Bayer) discuss the Obamacare deadline disaster with survivor Bethany Ravenal (Anna Kendrick), as well as global warming with science guy Neil deGrasse Tyson (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocey, Brian Kilmeade, Elizabeth Hasselback.

Dongs All Over the World Summary: Group of girls have the nasty idea to travel the globe in search of “Dongs All Over the World.”

The Little MermaidSummary: Ursula (Aidy Bryant) wants Ariel’s (Anna Kendrick) voice, until she discovers the little mermaid is tone-deaf when it comes to singing.

FlirtySummary: Evan (Kyle Mooney) shies his way around asking his neighbor Sara (Vanessa Bayer) for a date.

Transcript

Pharrell Williams performs “Happy”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: German chancellor Angela Merkel (Kate McKinnon) recalls her recent dealings with Russian president Vladmir Putin. To help explain the importance of drinking responsibly, Brooks Wheelan tells an anecdote about the time he got drunk and his friends put butter in his pants. George R.R. Martin (Bobby Moynihan) admits he’s out of good ideas for his “Game of Thrones” books.

Recurring Characters: Angela Merkel.

Les Jeunes de ParisSummary:

Principal FryeSummary: Principal Frye (Jay Pharoah) and the Vice-Principal (Vanessa Bayer) address students during a field trip to the Norfolk Zoo.

Pharrell Williams performs “Marilyn Monroe”

Big JoeSummary: Big Joe (Taran Killam) wants to save Miss Sara’s (Anna Kendrick) brother (Bobby Moynihan) but is unable to lift the huge rocks.

Transcript

AuditionSummary: Layla Burke (Anna Kendrick) and her tone-deaf sister Cammy (Vanessa Bayer) audition to appear in Pharrell Williams’ next music video.

NCAA Tourney: Best of the White GuysSummary: Mundane basketball clips showcase white player in action.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Big Joe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17


















13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Big Joe

Brother…..Bobby Moynihan
Sara…..Anna Kendrick
Big Joe…..Taran Killam
Black Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Red…..Kyle Mooney
Boy…..John Milhiser
Little Girl…..Noel Wells
Dutch…..Beck Bennett

[ open on explosion behind the hills ]

Brother: Helllllp! Help! Somebody, hellllp!

Sara: Dear Lord, Daniel! What happened here?!

Brother: Oh, the mine! It came down on me! Ooh, it hurts something awful!

Sara: Oh, we need to get you to a doctor! Can you get up?

Brother: Ain’t no good! These rocks done pinned my legs!

Sara: Ohhh…! Help! Someone, help! Anyone! My brother’s trapped! [ townspeople run forward ] Oh, well, don’t just stand there! Someone, please! Can anyone lift thiese rocks?!

[ Big Joe lurches forward ]

Big Joe: [ deep-voiced ] I’lllll do it!

Sara: Big Joe? Are you sure? Have you ever picked up something this heavy?

Big Joe: From time to tiiiiiime!

Sara: If you save my brother, I’ll be FOREVER in your debt!

Big Joe: I’d do anything for you, Miss Sara.

Sara: Oh, Big Joe! Hang in their, Daniel — Joe’s gonna save ya’!

Big Joe: Alright, now! Everybody stand baaaaack! [ he slaps his hands together ] Here goooooes! [ he squats and attempts to pick up a large rock, then stands back up ] I can’t do it!

Sara: What?! Are you sure?

Big Joe: It can’t be doooooone!

Sara: You didn’t try for very long!

Big Joe: He gonna diiiie!

Brother: Well, I don’t WANNA die!

Red: We won’t let you, Daniel! Let ME give a try!

Big Joe: It ain’t no use! If Big Joe can’t do it —

[ Red lifts one of the rocks ]

Red: I got it!

Big Joe: Alright, well… That’s good, he got a little rock!

Brother: Come on! Keep on going, Red!

Big Joe: No, no, Red! Uh, Big Joe! I’ll do it! [ he squats to lift a large rock grunts, then stands ] No, I can’t! I can’t do it!

Sara: Joe, why don’t you sit back and give Red another try?

Big Joe: No, Miss Sara, it won’t do no good. Your brother’s DOOMED! I’ll crush his skull. [ he raises one leg ]

Sara: NO! That’s my brother! I’m gonna get you out of there, Daniel!

Big Joe: Careful, Miss Sara…!

Brother: [ she grabs a rock and lifts it aside ]

Sara: Oh! That was easy!

Big Joe: Uhhhh… I loosened that one — I get credit!

Sara: Line up, everybody! Just grab a rock, and let’s get Daniel out of here!

Big Joe: The rest of these rocks are STUCK! Ain’t going NOWHERE!

Black Guy: [ lifting rock ] I got this one!

Big Joe: Okay, go ahead! That wasn’t anything —

Boy: [ lifting rock ] I’ll get this one!

Big Joe: Okay, well, he’s skinny, okay…

Little Girl: [ grabbing largest rock ] I want to help!

Big Joe: Careful, little girl! Ohhhh, wowwww…

Brother: Hey, Big Joe? Maybe you can’t lift the rock because you’ve got some kind of bone disease!

Big Joe: Bone disease? Like what took my Pop?

Brother: Oh boy…

[ Dutch enters ]

Dutch: Hey there, Big Joe. Why don’t you have a seat. [ he removes his hat ] I’ll get the rest, Miss Sara.

Sara: The rest look pretty heavy, Dutch. You sure you can handle it?

Dutch: As sure as I am that you’re a vision.

Big Joe: I’ll do it!!

Sara: No, Joe — You’re tired.

Big Joe: No, I got a second wind!

Dutch: You’re looking mighty weak, Joe!

[ music sting ]

Big Joe: What did you say?

Dutch: Don’t mean no offense. You just looking very, very, very weak.

Big Joe: DON’T… NO-BODY… CALL… ME… WEEEEEEAAAKKKK!!

[ Big Joe squats down to the lift the rock, then remains in place as a series of sunsets and sunrises elapse ]

Sara: Joe?

Big Joe: [ standing ] I just can’t do it!

Sara: We know, Joe. Uh — Dutch and I are getting married today!

Big Joe: What about your brother?

Sara: He got out a while ago, Joe.

Big Joe: Oh.

Sara: He’s marrying us.

Brother: I got ordained!

Sara: Joe? Would you be our ring bearer?

Big Joe: Wellll… it’s not my first choice… but it would be my honor. [ Sara hands him the ring pillow, as he topples to the ground ] CAN’T DO IT!!

[ cut to all three men ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Well, his heart was big and his bones are brittle
But there ain’t nobody better on a fiddle!”

[ Big Joe lurches forward with a fiddle and squeaks out a tune ]

Big Joe: I can’t do it!

Together: [ singing ] “Big Joooooooooe!!”

[ iris out on Big Joe ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Flirty



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17














13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Flirty

Evan…..Kyle Mooney
Sara…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy…..Beck Bennett

[ open on Sara walking with groceries down apartment hallway ]

[ Evan steps out of his apartment ]

Evan: Oh… hey! Sara!

Sara: Heyyyy!

Evan: Nice to see you!

Sara: It’s so great to see you, too!

Evan: You look, um… AMAZING! As always!

Sara: Thank you!

Evan: I mean, I’m sorry… maybe I’m being too…

Sara: No, no, no! You look like maybe you’re going to the gym…

Evan: Oh… yeah! I gotta go… work out…

Sara: That’s not a surprise! It totally looks like you… work out! [ he laughs ] And you’ve got a great personality!

Evan: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah — Look who I’m talking to, huh! Miss Perfect. [ they laugh ] This might sound weird… uh… Would you ever want to maybe, like… I don’t know… get… you know… [ awkward pause ] more groceries…? Uh, uh… for you…

Sara: Uh… yeah…!

Evan: …’cause maybe you want to… go get some more…?

Sara: Oh…

Evan: …in case you run out…?

Sara: Yeah! O-of course! Um… you know what they say, um… “More food… more, uh… attitude.”

Evan: Yeah! I think I read that… on a… bumper… sticker… or something?

Sara: Okay.

Evan: I should go!

Sara: Uh… yeah. Of course.

Evan: See you, Sara.

Sara: Yeah. Yeah.

[ Evan shirks away, as Sara regrets the missed opportunity ]

[ dissolve to Evan washing his clothes at the laundromat, as Sara enters ]

Sara: Oh.

Evan: Oh… hey. Sara!

Sara: Hey!

Evan: [ holding his dirty underwear ] Oh. No! My… I got poop on my underwear!

Sara: Oh…

Evan: No, no, no! I’m not gonna lie to you!

Sara: [ laughing ] I feel like I always have… poop… on my underwear!

Evan: No!

Sara: Unavoidable!

Evan: Two… poos in a pod! [ they laugh ] Listen, Sara, uh… gosh, this is dumb! Uhhh… I… I just wanted you to know that… I really, really, really… REALLY… like… you… uuuuuth soccer…?

Sara: Oh! Oh… uh… me, too! Um… good for the kids, you know, to, uh…

Evan: Yeah!

Sara: …be out in the fresh air.

Evan: Yeah! Getting exercise, and, uh…

[ Sara leans in, as though closing in for a kiss, and then: ]

Sara: Sorry, uh… just have to get to this machine.

Evan: Yeah! I needed to, uh…

Sara: Yeah.

Evan: You know what? I think I left, uh… my… walllll… phone. My wall and my cell phone! I sound like an idiot!

Sara: And I… should go do laundry!

Evan: Yeah!

Sara: So… um…

Evan: I’ll see ya’!

[ dissolve to next day, as Sara walks down the hall ]

Evan: Sara! Wait! [ she turns ] Hey. I-I-I just gotta say this: Do you wanna go…?

[ suddenly, another Guy enters the hall ]

Guy: Hey, Sara! Do you wanna have sex with me right now?

Sara: Sure!

Guy: Awesome! I guess I’ll just go get set up and… give myself a boner.

Sara: Okay! Great! [ he exits ] Um… Evan? What were you… gonna ask me?

Evan: [ he shrugs ] Do you want to go on a date with me?

Sara: I… would LOVE to! Um… and, and… I don’t know, would you want to go on that date, um… tonight?

Evan: YES!! I mean… Yes. That would be awesome.

[ the guy reappears in the hallway ]

Guy: I’m ready NOW!!

Sara: Okay.

Guy: Come on! [ he exits into his apartment ]

Sara: Okay, well, uh… I’m just gonna go fuck this guy, and then… we’ll go on our date!

[ she follows into the other guy’s apartment ]

Evan: See ya’! [ to himself ] Yes! She’s going on a date… with me!

[ he jumps into the air ]

[ freeze-frame ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17




13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Goodnights

…..Anna Kendrick

Anna Kendrick: Thank you to Pharrell Williams, Hans Zimmer, Ikona Pop! Thank you, Lorne Michaels, and thanks to the cast! And Happy Birthday to Pharrell Williams!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Anna Kendrick’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17






















13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Anna Kendrick’s Monologue

…..Anna Kendrick
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Anna Kendrick!

Anna Kendrick: Thank you! Thank you SO much! It is SO exciting to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve done a lot of movies lately, but… actually, um, I got my start in the musical theater. When I was 10, my dad took me to see “Beauty and the Beast” on Broadway… and I just KNEW I wanted to be up there, so… to be here on this New York stage is so incredibly exciting. It just feels like something out of a storybook.

[ music pots up ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“SNL.
Can’t believe I’m hosting!
It’s a show
I’ve always adored..

SNL!
Full of lovely people
Coming up… to say:”

Taran Killam: Bonjour!

Kenan Thompson: Bonjour!

Kyle Mooney: Bonjour!

Sasheer Zamata: Bonjour!

Kate McKinnon: [ walking past ] Hello, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“There go the writers and the cast, like always
Rewriting scripts until the end.
Everyone must do their part!
For the show’s about to start!
And tonight will be so magical.”

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, hey, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: Hi, Bobby! Don’t you just LOVE being on stage?

Bobby Moynihan: I mean… it’s more of a TV show…

Anna Kendrick: But it’s LIVE and it’s WONDERFUL, and YOU’RE wonderful!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay, you’ve got to pace yourself, girl!

Anna Kendrick: Okay, Bobby! Bye!

[ Kendrick walks past Vanessa Bayer and Kate McKinnon having their hair combed ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Look, there goes Anna and she’ll be great, no question!
She’s talented beyond compare!”

Kate McKinnon: [ with an Irish lilt ] “She can do an Irish lilt!”

Vanessa Bayer: [ with a Scottish brogue ] “She can do a Scottish brogue!”

Kate McKinnon: “Was that supposed to be a Scottish brogue?”

[ cut to Kendrick with Beck Bennett ]

Anna Kendrick: Bonjour!

Beck Bennett: Hello!

Anna Kendrick: “I love your costume!” [ she runs over to Cecily Strong ] “Bonjour!”

Cecily Strong: Hi there!

Anna Kendrick: “I love your face!” [ she runs to Aidy Bryant ]

Aidy Bryant: “My wig! My wig! My wig is missing!

Anna Kendrick: Have you checked the top of your own head?

[ Aidy nods and runs, as Taran Killam runs forward ]

Taran Killam: Ahhhh, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: Good evening, Taran! I wanted to tell you how much I like your part in that restaurant sketch!

Taran Killam: The one where I’m a waiter with no lines?

Anna Kendrick: Is that the one? It’s my FAVORITE part of the whole entire show!

Taran Killam: But I don’t say ANYTHING!

Anna Kendrick: That’s what makes you so great!

Taran Killam: [ chuckling ] Oh, well, thank you!

Anna Kendrick: No, thank YOU! Thank you SO much!

[ Kendrick runs off, as Aidy, Cecily and Kate join Taran ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Oh, there she goes, she’s full of wide-eyed wonder!
It’s her first time at SNL!
She’s a Tony nominee
and an Oscar nominee
I just hope she knows that we don’t pay that well!!”

[ Kendrick is worked over by make-up artists ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“Ohhhhhhhhhh, isn’t this amazing?
Who’d have ever thought that this could beeeeee?”

[ she stands behind Lorne Michaels, as he watches the cast on a monitor ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“I’m herrrrrrrrrrre!
With Lorne Michaels watching…”

[ Lorne turns to reveal that he’s really on his cellphone ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“I can tell that he’s really liking this and liking meeeeeee!”

[ she leans against Lorne’s back as he walks away ]

Cast: [ singing ]
“Look! Here she comes, it’s lovely Anna Kendrick!
And she is hosting SNL!
The rumor is a fact!
She’s singing and that’s that!
It’s gonna be a real good show!
A funny and an awesome show
A magical, exciting showwwwwwwww
Toniiiiiiiiiight!!”

Anna Kendrick: We have a great show for you tonight! Pharrell Williams is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Animal Hospital



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7














13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Animal Hospital

Vet Nurse 1…..Cecily Strong
Vet Nurse 2…..Josh Hutcherson
Vet Nurse 3…..Kate McKinnon
Ms. Suitor…..Aidy Bryant
Anthony Denvers…..Kenan Thompson
Black Horse Owner…..Brooks Wheelan
Chesnut Horse Owner…..Noël Wells

[ exterior of an animal hospital, then fade to the interior office at the desk of some veterinary nurses ]

Vet Nurse 1: [ in a think southern accent ] Oh Lord. This is the longest day of my life, so far. Right?

Vet Nurse 2: [ in a flamboyant southern accent ] I know, y’all. I have got to get inserts for my shoes ‘cus my arches are just gonna collaaapse.

Vet Nurse 3: [in a low-key southern accent ] My arches have done so already.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, we have better get to work, y’all! [ snaps fingers ]

[ The vet nurses get out from behind the desk, carrying a clipboard ]

Vet Nurse 2: Alright. Let’s see here. Ms. Suitor? Ms. Suitor?

[ Ms. Suitor gets up from her chair to see them ]

Ms. Suitor: Yes, that’s me.

Vet Nurse 3: Now, you’re waitin’ on your pet turtle?

Ms. Suitor: Yes. Captain Whatnot.

Vet Nurse 1: Oh, your turtle’s so dang funny!

Ms. Suitor: Oh, he is the best.

Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, yesterday, he ate a piece of lettuce for like two hours. [ chuckles ]

Vet Nurse 2: That was so funny. Now, listen I’m gonna need you to fill out some forms here because your turtle is dead.

Ms. Suitor: Oh my God. Captain Whatnot is dead?

[ she takes a clipboard of forms ]

Vet Nurse 1: I’m so sorry. He died in the night. And doctor did everythin’ he could. We shot some pumps and stuff. He was on a machine for a little while. But then they had to turn that machine off.

Ms. Suitor: Wait but why did they turn it off?

Vet Nurse 2: Because they needed it for another turtle that was in worse shape than him.

Ms. Suitor: But my turtle died.

Vet Nurse 3: Yes, I do know. I’m so sorry. And if it makes you feel any better the other turtle did die as well.

Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we are beginning to think that we have something wrong with our turtle machine.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so we just need you to sign those papers.

Ms. Suitor: Okay but what are these papers for?

Vet Nurse 2: Basically just says that your turtle is dead and that you know that.

Vet Nurse 1: Right. So where it says “yeah, I know”, you just sign that.

Ms. Suitor: Okay, okay. Can I see my turtle?

Vet Nurse 1: Well dang, I wish you’d said somethin’ earlier ‘cus they already threw it away!

Ms. Suitor: What!?

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah. I guess you could just go out into the parking lot and scrounge around, see what you come up with.

Vet Nurse 3: We’re so sorry for your loss.

[ Ms. Suitor hands over the clipboard and rushes outside ]

Vet Nurse 1: Poor little thing.

Vet Nurse 2: Poor thing. Okay, now who is waiting on the bunny rabbit?

Anthony Denvers: [ rising from his chair ] Oh, uh, I was. That’s me.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so are you Anthony Denvers?

Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.

Vet Nurse 3: And you’re waiting on your pet bunny rabbit, Tiffany Denvers?

Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.

Vet Nurse 1: Well, Tiffany’s such a cute name! Good for you!

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, it is.

Anthony Denvers: Thank you. I thought it up.

Vet Nurse 3: She has such cute floppy ears.

Anthony Denvers: She does. I almost named her floppy.

Vet Nurse 2: Aww, that is cute. As of 10am this morning she has been dead.

Anthony Denvers: What?! [ looks at his watch ] Wha- It’s almost four! I’ve been sitting here for six hours! I just brought her in to have her teeth cleaned!

Vet Nurse 1: Oh, we know but she had a reaction to the cleaning paste.

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, but don’t you worry she went very peacefully after she screamed for about an hour.

Anthony Denvers: [ extremely upset ] My Tiffany…

Vet Nurse 1: I know. It’s very sad.

Vet Nurse 3: Tiffany just kept having more and more reactions to things.

Vet Nurse 1: And they were just all negative in nature.

Vet Nurse 2: Mm hmm. Now, I just need you to sign this form for us, please.

[ he hands Mr. Denvers the clipboard ]

Anthony Denvers: What is this?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, that”s just a form that says your rabbit is dead and you know it.

Vet Nurse 2: Now, where it says “pet status”, I’m gonna need you to write the word “dead”.

Vet Nurse 1: And then just right next to that “dead” where it says “Do you know this?” You’re gonna fill in the bubble under the “yes”.

Anthony Denvers: Well, where is she now?

Vet Nurse 3: She is either on top of or below a dead turtle.

Anthony Denvers: Oooh, my Tiffany!

[ Mr. Denvers quickly leaves after handing back the clipboard ]

Vet Nurses: Thank you, sir. Thank you. Poor thing. Oh my God.

Vet Nurse 2: Okay, now who is waiting on a big horse?

Black Horse Owner: [ getting up from his seat ] Hi. I am.

Vet Nurse 3: Okay, well there is two. There’s a one’s a great, big black one. And the other is a smaller, chestnut one.

Vet Nurse 1: And the smaller one is dead.

[ a girl in the waiting room looks up from her magazine ]

Chesnut Horse Owner: Scott is dead?! Oh!

[ she runs out of the room crying ]

Vet Nurse 2: Wha… Well, she didn’t sign our form.

Vet Nurse 1: Yeah, I think you can do it online anyway.

Vet Nurse 2: Okay.

Black Horse Owner: So, my big, black horse is okay?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay well, hang on. Let me look at the notes. [ grabs the clipboard ] Okay it says “he is responding to the medicine and doin’ well” so…

Vet Nurse 2: That’s good but there is that big orange sticker that says “dead”.

Vet Nurse 1: Oh yes.

Vet Nurse 3: Well, which one do we go by?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay so the sticker always overrides the note, so he is dead.

Vet Nurse 3: He is dead. Okay, if it makes you feel any better he had a real peaceful look on his face right before he exploded.

Black Horse Owner: This is the worst animal hospital in town!

[ he storms out ]

Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we know that. Our Yelps are terrible.

Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, we got somethin’ like zero stars.

[ Mr. Denvers and Ms. Suitor walk in with their pets ]

Ms. Suitor: My turtle is alive!

Anthony Denvers: And so is my Tiffany!

Vet Nurse 1: Oh my gosh.

Vet Nurse 2: Well… call me a dead uncle’s monkey.

Vet Nurse 3: Just so you know, we do still have to cremate them.

Vet Nurse 1: That’s true, ‘cus you filled out the form.

Anthony Denvers: We’re getting out of here!

Vet Nurse 3: Okay but please do not Yelp about this.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay. you know what, let’s go on break. I am tired of havin’ people bitch about everythin’. Let’s just get on out of here.

Vet Nurse 2: Where y’all wanna go? You wanna hit that new potato bar?

Vet Nurse 3: Ooh! I could not say yes fast enough.

Vet Nurse 1: I am gettin’ a set potato and a vodka.

Vet Nurse 2: Oh, gurl…

[ the veterinary nurses all walk off-screen ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Best Buy Firing



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7






























13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Best Buy Firing

Todd…..Josh Hutcherson
Dana…..Cecily Strong
Niff…..Bobby Moynihan
Dylan…..Jay Pharoah
Rosie…..Kate McKinnon
Beth…..Aidy Bryant
Drew…..Beck Bennett
Jessica…..Vanesa Bayer
Grace…..Nasim Pedrad
Edward…..Mike O’Brien
Mandrew…..Taran Killam
Randy…..Kenan Thompson
Ben…..Brooks Wheelan

[ shot of a Best Buy store, then fade to the interior of a Best Buy back room ]

Todd: Okay everybody, team meeting please! Quick team meeting! I, uh, I have some bad news. We were a little overzealous in our Black Friday hiring and we’re overstaffed this season so unfortunately-

Niff: Oh, yeah right!

Dana: Oh please! You overstaffed?! Let me guess, by two?

Niff: Yeah we know you firin’ us! ‘Cus all these ugly-ass mugs keep complainin’!

Dana: Planet of the apes-lookin’ bitches!

[ cut to a large group of Best Buy staff ]

Niff: You stupid-ass apes!

Todd: I, uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d love to really just really get through this, really quickly if I-

Niff: Not listening, Todd! Because if we goin’ out, then we goin’ out on top like Breaking Bad!

Dana: So, please direct your attention over to Dylan!

[ cut to an annoyed and confused looking Dylan ]

Niff: Ooh! Dylan! Why is your phone so damn big?! I mean the dummy got a 96 inch flat screen on his belt!

Dana: What you need that phone for?! Are you trying to take a picture of Rosie’s big-ass neck tattoo?

[ cut to Rosie who who has a dark-purple splotch on her neck ]

Rosie: It’s a birthmark.

Niff: Uhh, no. It’s a *bitch* mark!

Dana: Because you were put on this earth to be a bitch.

[ Dana and Niff do a little dance to that insult ]

Niff: Oooooh! You a bitch.

Todd: Guys, please stop doing the butterfly. It’s not helping anybody.

Niff: Oh, speaking of not helping, look at these jacked up fools!

[ cut to three black-shirted employees of Best Buy’s “Geek Squad” ]

Niff: The Geek Squad? Woof! More like… the Geek Squad!

Dana: And he didn’t have to change that one!

Niff: No and can’t you see that no one needs you anymore? Or is you blind?

[ Dana pulls out a plastic recorder and plays ‘Three Blind Mice’ ]

Niff: [ singing to the tune of ‘Three Blind Mice’ ] Three blind bitches! Three blind bitches! See how they suck! See how they suck! One is a bitch with dirty hair! And one is a bitch who doesn’t care!

Dana: [ finishes the lyric ] And one has bad skin.

Todd: Dana, Niff, please stop.

Dana: Ooh, but how can we stop when it’s time to play the Pyramid!

Niff: Ooh! That’s my favorite! [ plays some game show music from his phone ]

Dana: [ giving hints ] Okay, stupid face.

Niff: Pass!

Dana: Can’t read.

Niff: Pass!

Dana: Uh, stank breath.

Niff: Oh, that’s that trash pile, Beth.

[ cut to Beth ]

Beth: Okay, that hurt but thanks for not bringing up my adult braces.

Niff: Oh come on, Beth. I mean, we’re not monsters!

Dana: Yeah, we have a heart!

Todd: Guys this is getting a little weird for everyone.

Dana: Oh, no. Speaking of weird. Drew! Have you eaten Cheetos today?

[ cut to Drew who has some orange smudging around his mouth ]

Drew: Mm… no.

Niff: What about Doritos?

Drew: No.

Niff: Then why on earth is your mouth so orange?!

Dana: You look like you were face-deep in Garfield’s butt!

Niff: I mean, leave that cat alone!

Dana: It’s a Monday!

Todd: It is a little strange, Drew.

Dana: No, no. no. Which brings us to this motor mouth.

Niff: [ makes a blub sound with his fingers on his lips ] Jessica! We are sick and tired of hearing about how you was that baby Jessica that fell down that well!

[ cut to Jessica ]

Jessica: I am baby Jessica.

Dana: Well, now you work at Best Buy!

Niff: Yeah! You was better off in the well!

Todd: [ trying not to laugh ] That’s enough! Really, it’s not-

Niff: Oh, enough? Well you obviously talkin’ to Grace!

Dana: Yeah, we all know you wear butt pads to make your butt look good!

[ Cut to Grace sitting down ]

Grace: Actually, I don’t.

Niff: Oh. Well, damn girl.

Dana: Good on you.

Niff: Nice!

Todd: Well, that’s, that’s very nice.

Dana: No! Now, where’s that freak bitch, Edward?

Niff: Yeah, where he?

[ cut to Edward who has stringy hair and long nails ]

Dana: Cut ya nails! Nobody cares if you’re a classical guitarist! We work at Best Buy! To us, you’re just like Edward Scissorhands.

Niff: Yeah!

[ Niff climbs onto a stool and starts sprinkling confetti under a spinning Dana, presumably re-enacting an Edward Scissorhands scene ]

Niff: Sorry, I got weird fingers, Winona Ryder!

Edward: Okay, you had that snow in your pocket. You clearly planned this.

Niff: Oh, and by the way, Mandrew, why do you always look like you just freshly murdered someone?

[ cut to Mandrew with his bowl haircut and creepy smile ]

Niff: I mean, you follow us from job to job! I guess we just have to accept the fact that you will kill us one day.

Dana: Yeah, what are you gonna kill, one of us? Both of us? What’s the plan?

[ Mandrew simply shrugs and continues to smile creepily ]

Todd: That was unsettling.

Dana: No. What’s unsettling is Randy’s hair color!

Niff: Yeah. I mean, you look like Ronald McDonald!

[ cut to Randy with a bright red afro ]

Randy: Who’s Ronald McDonald?

[ Niff just shakes his head in exasperation ]

Dana: Hey, Ben. you’re stupid. You like magic?

[ cut to Ben who nods and sounds a bit stoned ]

Ben: Huh. Yeah, yeah. How did you know?

Dana: You wanna watch us turn one bitch into three bitches?

Niff: Ooohhh [ he aims a camcorder at Ben ] Look at that!

[ Ben’s face appears on the three monitors beside them and Ben laughs, sounding impressed ]

Niff: It’s magic, bitch.

Ben: I can’t believe that. That was great!

[ Niff turns off the camcorder and rolls his eyes, groaning ]

Todd: Guys, look, I know that Dylan is a bitch, that Rosie sucks, and Drew loves Garfield’s butt. I get it. Everybody knows that. It’s a fact. But you’re not getting fired. Mandrew is, okay?

[ Mandrew suddenly pops up behind Todd ]

Todd: Where is Mandrew? [ after a pause ] He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?

Niff: Ooh. Well, so long, Todd. You was a great manager and you wadn’t even big a’bitch.

Dana: Good meeting, y’all. I’ll catch you on the flip.

[ Niff and Dana start to dance while Mandrew drags Todd’s chloroformed body away ]

Niff: Yo, sorry guys, you all gettin’ fired. Yo, rest in peace, Todd!

[ fade out on Best Buy store ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts